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Sad Jokes

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

What do you call a sad cup of coffee?

Depresso..

Sadly, I've lost 20% of my sight

Sigh

My girlfriend told me she’s sad because she’s put on a bit of weight

I told her to keep her chins up

I went to a sad wedding

Even the cake was in tiers.

A blind woman got on a bus. Sadly, all the seats were taken.

A man noticed that no one else on the bus was willing to give up their seat for the blind woman, so he kindly guided her to his seat and took a standing spot. As the bus started up, the man frowned at the others for their selfishness.

Later that day, the man came home in tears, covered in bru...

How do you comfort a sad non binary person ?

They’re/Their

Whenever my artist girlfriend is sad I let her draw things on my body.

I gave her a shoulder to crayon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A penis has a sad life..

A penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess; his family is nuts; his next-door neighbor is an asshole; his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A: Why are you so sad?

B: I was watching porn and all of a sudden my wife opened the door.

A: Ok I see, but is that really such a big deal?

B: I mean, she opened the door in the movie

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When my wife left, I was sad, upset and lonely

Since then I've got a dog, I bought a new motorbike, shagged two women and blown a grand on drugs and drink. She'll go fucking mental when she gets home from work.

I used to get sad remembering the day Mitch Hedberg died….

I still do, but I used to, too.

RIP

An old joke from my childhood that is sadly relevant again.

**Bert and Ernie had worked together as radio hosts for twenty years.**

They traded jokes, played pop music and generally made people's lives a touch brighter as they trundled to work.

In one of the breaks they received a Fax. Ernie picked up the page and was in shock. Ernie silentl...

A mobius strip walks into a bar looking pretty sad

Bartender asks what's wrong

Mobius strip: Where do I start?

Sad news. I broke up with my girlfriend Lorraine because I was seeing another girl named Claire Lee…

But the good news is that I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone

Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window...

If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in...

As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore.

I just bought this new TV and it says “Built-in Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is.

This past year has been a sad one. It would have been my Mother's 60th Birthday, which we would have celebrated with the whole family. But thanks to drugs, alcohol, and a whole lot of bad decisions...

We all forgot to show up.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three men met on a nude beach. Two of the three men were happy, but the third was sad.

The three men broke into a conversation. The topic eventually reached the men's jobs, and why they were at the beach.

"I'm a construction worker," said the first man. "All year long I toil in the sun in very heavy clothes, so this seemed like the perfect vacation for me. If I can relax and do...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband tells his wife: "I bet you can't say something that makes me happy and sad at the same time"

She told him: "you have the biggest dick in the whole town"

I went to the doctors because I was sad I couldn't complete the crossword..

He told me not to get 2 down

Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

The doorbell rings. A very sad woman opens the door. A man with a huge drum is standing on the platform.

\- Is the funeral here? - The man asks.

\- Yes, but the doctor said there are three more days - Sorry.

The man leaves. A minute later the bell rings again - the same man is standing there.

\-???

\- Can I leave the drum here for now?

Today a friend said to me: "Marco, aren't you sad to see your friends getting married and you being single at 43?"

I replied:

"Yes, I am, but I don't know how to help them."

I asked old Maud how she lost her husband. She told me her sad story…

"Well, he needed a blood transfusion, but his blood type was not on record, so the doctors asked me if I knew what it was, as they urgently needed to know, in order to save my Norman's life.

Tragically, I've never known his blood type, so I only had time to sit and say goodbye.
I'll never ...

I was feeling really sad while crushing cans today...

It was soda pressing.

Did you hear the sad story about the blond couple that died at the drive-in movie?

They'd gone to see "Closed for Winter".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday I was nothing more than a sad, teenage virgin

But today I turned 20

I am sad. My friend said Cheer up, things could be worse. You could be stuck in a hole in the ground underwater...

I knew he meant well.

Why was the JPEG sad?

Because it had compression.

My Girlfriend is sad that her dog died, so I went out and got her an identical dog

and she said "What the hell am I going to do with two dead dogs?"

Sad news, my obese parrot died today.

Mind you, it's a huge weight off my shoulders.

I went to clairvoyant today and she told me in 12 years time I will be very sad and heartbroken.

So to cheer myself up I bought a puppy.

When I'm sad I cut myself

A slice of cake.

Why did the Proud Boy check on his sad friend?

To make sure his friend was feeling... alt-right.

Feel free to downvote me to reddit hell...

I was so excited to show my teacher my Reddit joke, but sadly she wasn't in today, so...

...the subreddit.

A sad first attempt at a joke

(It’s my first time posting here. Don’t blame me for the terrible joke lol)

A lawyer just lost a career making/breaking case so Satan sees this as an opportunity to approach him and make him an offer.

Satan: I will make you the most successful lawyer in history. You will never lose a c...

Why is it so sad to be an egg?

Because you get smashed once, laid once and the only bird to sit on your face is your mother.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sadly I think my family are a bunch of racists.

I started dating a black girl recently, so I decided to bring her home to meet the family.

The kids wouldn't talk to her and my wife told me to pack my bags and leave.

Why did the math book look sad?

Because it had too many problems!

Why was the linguist sad?

Because the past was imperfect!

Guy is drinking alone at the bar, visibly sad.

The bartender comes up to him and says: "Hey man, you seem down. What's up?"

The guy replies: "We buried my dad two days ago".

The bartender says: "I'm so sorry man. When did he die?".

The guy replies: "I don't know, probably yesterday".

Sometimes when people are sad, I let them color in my tattoos.

Sometimes people just need a shoulder to crayon.

Why was the cheese so sad?

It was provolonely

A very sad day today...

After 7 yrs of medical training & hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion.
He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession. What a waste of time, effort, training and money.

A genuinely nice guy and a brilli...

Adam felt sad and lonely in the Garden of Eden

"What is wrong, my child?" asked God.

"Lord, I am lonely," relplied Adam, "I wish I had a companion."

"Well, I've got just the one for you," said God. "She's perfect! She is lithe and youthful, and shall always remain so. She utters beauty when she speaks, and she listens with attentio...

Why was Mr. Information sad?

Because everyone was spreading Ms. Information

Why are ghosts always sad?

Because they’re going through things

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sad guy walks into a bar and asks for a whole bottle of vodka

The bartender sits the bottle in front of him and asks "oh boy, you look like shit, what happened?". The man answers "I just found out my brother is gay".

The next day, the same guy walks into the same bar and asks for two bottles of vodka. The bartender asks "ok, what happened this time?", t...

Just read a really sad story about how blind people get used to their new surroundings....

Touching stuff.

It’s a little sad that Islam, Christianity, and Judaism have been fighting each other for centuries…

..Hindus, on the other hand, never had any beef.

Girlfriend: "One day I will marry and a lot of men will be sad that day."

Boyfriend: "Wow, how many men do you plan to marry?"

Why are people in New York always so sad?

Because the light at the end of the tunnel is *New Jersey*

Sad Joke

What is the difference between Paul Walker and Angela Lansbury?





Paul Walker hit 100 before he died.

Why do archaeologist lead sad lives?

Because their career lies in ruins.

It’s really sad how my friend lost his medical license for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet

I watched a sad movie last night;

it was a moving picture.

What do you call a sad vegetable?

Melan Cauliflower

Why was the noble gas so sad?

all of his friends argon

My cat passed away but I am not sad

She will live on forever in my online passwords.

Why was the JavaScript developer sad?

Because he didn't Node how to Express himself

Why does Jesus Look so sad?

Because he high-fived with both hands and his disciples left him hanging.

Caught an STI and felt sad.

Got the sympathy clap.

Why is the Gulf of Mexico sad?

Because it has 2 forms of tropical depression.

I thought Friday was a sad day...

Turns out the next day was a sadder day.

What do you call a sad community of melons?

A melancholy melon colony.

Sadly that shop didn’t have any small shiny discs either.

“Sorry”, said the cashier, “we don’t have any in stock.”

A lady went into an embroidery shop to buy some fancy beads for her dress.

So she tried another shop down the road.

Like this joke, the shops were all out of sequins.

WHEN CATS ARE SAD

Bartender: What'll ya have?

Cat: Shot of rum

[Bartender pours it]

[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]

Cat: Another.

What do you call a sad dog ?

A Melan-Collie.

What do you call a sadder dog ?

A Chi-Waah-Waah.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sad story

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $489,000 and your mother just lost her job.

I’m sorry but there’s no way we can afford it.”

The next day the father saw little Johnny headin...

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity,

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's my cake day! I present you with one of my favorite jokes. Sadly, it's not about cake

On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse s...

I’m really sad my pet wildebeest died:(

I had to get a Gnu one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks up to his friend looking sad.

“Somebody stole my thesaurus!” He groans.
“And my dictionary to boot!”

His friend put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and gives him a soft smile.

“How sorrowful my dear companion that such a lamentable circumstance has befallen you. I will pray that the perpetrator be swiftly a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A stomach was sad...

... because everything it tried to make turned out to be *shit*.

Why was 6.9 sad?

It’s a good time interrupted by a period.

Whenever I’m sad I just read my blood donor ID.

It always says “B positive”.

Why was princess Zelda sad after watching a bunch of YouTube videos?

She couldn't find the link in the description.

What's the similarity between Hellen Keller and a sad pirate?

Neither of them got to sea!

very sad news

after caring for my cat for years, i had to put her down

she was getting heavy

If a plant is sad,

Do other plants photosymphathise with it?

It was a sad and disappointing day

when I discovered my universal remote control did not in fact control the universe.
Not even remotely.

Whenever I'm sad my friend always says "cheer up man, it could be worse. You could be stuck underground in a hole that is full of water"

I know he means well...

What bounces and makes children sad?

The checks I write to the Make-A-Wish foundation.

Why are french people always so sad?

Because they eat Pain for breakfast

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist told me to take all my rage and sadness and shove it down and away...

and save it for Thanksgiving.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend is incredibly sad since her cat has been disappeared.

I am quite sure now that I misunderstood something when she asked me to eat her pussy - and I am beginning to think that I did not get the "fuck her doggy" part either.

Whenever I get sad I just put vodka in an elevator.

It really lifts my spirits.

I'm sad to say that my cat Whiskers doesn't have long to live… he's got curiosity.

Stage 9.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was the smurf sad?

He’d had blue balls his whole life.

Sad news...

N V B K I T H E K L O P F

I N V E N T O R Z S F O F

T H E E F G H J I O L P L

Y Q W O R D S E A R C H

H A S J P O D I E D G W

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a sad whale?

Mopy dick

What's the sad thing about man-caves?

It's where all your cool stuff is, and where you can do whatever you want. Before Marriage we used to call it life, but then it became a room.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a sad porno?

A tear jerker

What makes sad people jump?

Bridges.

I find it creepy when my wife gives me those sad puppy dog eyes

It makes me wonder what she did the rest of the dog.

A sad story

The day after his mother-in-law disappeared in a kayaking accident, a Twillingate, Newfoundland
man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP officers.

"We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your mother-in-law," said one of the officers.

"Tell me! Did you fin...

A sad story of duty, conviction and love

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applican...

I'm feeling sad because I went to the supermarket today for the sale they had on ginger ale but they were dumping all their stock into a hydraulic crusher out back.

It was soda pressing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sad But True

A 37 yr old virgin, exiting a bus, passes the grand opening of a new pet store, on her way to work. Out in front of the pet store on a perch is a parrot. Now there's a reason why this lady is a virgin and it is not by choice. So as she's passing the parrot, it says, "Hey lady" A little amused, she r...

Sad news for music lovers today....

Justin Bieber was found in his hotel room, alive.

Sunday was kinda sad

but day before sunday was a sadder-day...

What do you get when you cross a sad fruit with a sad vegetable?

A meloncauliflower.

Whenever you feel sad...



It helps to picture that somewhere in this world, there’s a fool pulling on a door that says “PUSH”!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe.

Not even remotely.

(I stole this joke from fb and it made my drunk ass laugh out loud so I wanted to share but I'm sorry if it's a repost)

I watched such a sad movie in the cinema today

Even the seats were in tiers

How do you make a computer keyboard sad?

You make the key "D" pressed

A man walks into a bar looking sad

He says to the bar tender quick pour me 3 shots of bourbon. The bar tender gives him the shots and he drinks them as fast as he can. The bar tender looks at the man and asks are you ok you drank those drinks really fast. The man reply’s no I’m not ok and if you had what I have you would drink as fas...

Did you hear about the guy who decided to explore his sadness fetish?

A decision he would come to regret

When someone calls me ugly, I get sad and hug them

I know life can be difficult for those with weak vision.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Don't be sad...

Don’t be sad when a bird craps on your head. Be happy that dogs can’t fly.

What do you call a group of sad pitbulls?

A pittie party

Sad news.

About Meghan Markles car crash next month...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m sad to announce that my pet parrot died today.

His last words were “Shit, I think my parrot is about to die”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - Sad and lonely fruit

What is the feeling people get when they are missing their significant other's boobs?

Melon-choly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you ever hear the story about the guy who was both sad and horny?

It's a real tearjerker.

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a 3 bedroom suite on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but all the elevators are broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sa...

What did the tomato say to the sad pickle?

"What's the big dill?"

Why is Santa sad 364 days a year

Because Santa comes but once a year

What does Jesus do when he is sad?

Jesus Cries

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