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Awkward Jokes

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Gosh, hell must be really awkward.

I mean there's Hitler, and all the Jews.

Really awkward pick-up line.

Me: You look like my first wife.

Her: (surprised) How many wives have you had?

Me: None

*wedding music starts playing*

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That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"

Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?

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I hate shower sex.

It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom and my girlfriend said, “This is a bit awkward.”

I said, “Just ignore them.”

My 9 year old son has started asking awkward questions about the human body...

I suppose the freezer wasn't the best place to hide it.

awkward situation growing up

when he was 15 years old, his friend gave him condoms, just as a prank but he put the condoms aside, because he was only 15.

him and his friends were learning karate from a friend Mike, Mike was a black belt in Karate the rest of them learning from him were beginner yellow belts.

his ...

What's the difference between awkward and awful?

Awkward is finding your mom on Tinder, awful is matching with her

What does a socially awkward and depressed frog say?

Reddit.!

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It's so awkward getting a boner during a prostate exam.

Especially when they realize you're not a doctor.

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My wife reckons that recently I have become an awkward, arrogant cunt, and she just can't understand me.

Seems like my French classes are going really well.

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Watching a sex scene with my parents is so awkward.

My mom is such a bad actress.

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I had sex with my second cousin, and now it's really awkward

I should have learnt my lesson with the first one.

I wish I could be socially awkward for a day

Because being it every day is getting kinda old

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My friend asked, "What's the most awkward thing you've said during an orgasm?"

I thought for a second and said, "Probably...You're better than my girlfriend."

"Wow," he laughed, "What did she say?"

I said, "Nothing, dead people don't talk."

I want a cartoon about puppies saving humans from making situations socially awkward

We can call it Faux Pas Patrol

I got into an awkward situation by having an erection at the office.

I was hard at work.

How do you make a Dinner party awkward?

Change the “i” into an “o.”

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

Now we call him Dr. Awkward.

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

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Awkward Dinner Party

A young child was enjoying a cool drink in his room when he heard noises coming from his parents room. He proceeded to the room, wherein he found his parents arguing. His father called his mother a bitch and his mother called his father a bastard. Later on that day he asked his mother, "mummy what d...

Awkward phone call:

"You put it down!"

"No, *you* put it down!"

"No, really, you put it down!"

"I can't, you put it down!"

"No, you put it down!"

"You put it down."

"No, you!"

"No, you put it down."

"For goodness sake, it's an old dog and you're a trained vet!"

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What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bisexual hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie and tie dye watching sci-fi on wifi.

Credits: my bud

What happens when you get a 100 socially awkward people together in a room?

Nothing.

That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction.

I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.

That awkward movement when you...

read movement as moment.

What makes redneck family reunions so awkward?

Seeing all of my ex's there.

That awkward moment when

That awkward moment when the woman you’re dancing behind bends over so you can grind it. But it turns out she just dropped an earring, and no one else in Mcdonalds can hear the music on your iPod.

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hot dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything."

After a brief chuckle, the vendor makes the hot dog and gives it to the monk, saying "That will be $4 please". After the monk hands over a $10 bill, he finds himself waiting uncomfortably while the vendor does nothing except stare back at him.

Awkwardly the monk asks "What about my change?" ...

It's awkward touching hands with a woman in a popcorn bag.

Especially if you don't know her and she doesn't know that you're eating her popcorn.

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An ugly man walks into a bar and a beautiful woman approaches him...

... the woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?" and the man is stunned. He never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees. They both get into his car and drive really far. He stops at a cliff with the view of the whole city. Within seconds they start taking ...

This new software developer is so socially awkward …

… he failed the Turing Test.

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My window cleaner caught me masturbating today. It was awkward.

Maybe I shouldn't have been standing in his garden.

I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward

Man being a teacher is hard

All I wanted to do was donate organs, but the hospital were being awkward about it.

They kept asking me where I got them and threatened to call the police.

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Awkward moments

The way the joke is supposed to go:

>A man went to Alaska a 129 lb weakling and he came back a husky fucker.

My friend, who just started working at a new place, said it like this to a group of his new co-workers:

>A man went to Alaska a 129 lb weakling and he came back fuc...

When small talk with the neighbors gets awkward.

I live in the Bible Belt and took a stroll around the neighborhood earlier in the week. At the turnaround an old man with a walker was getting the mail. He asked me my name and we engaged in some small talk.

 

I was about to leave, but his wife came outside so I stayed and sai...

What's the difference between awkward and uncomfortable?

Underwear can be uncomfortable, but when you involve other people in the problem it gets awkward.

I could always tell who is feeling awkward at a party.

It's usually within 30 seconds of talking to them.

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Watched 50 Shades of Grey with my parents and Christ if all the sex didn't make the whole thing awkward.

I could barely see the screen with my mom bent over like that.

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Elevator Awkwardness

Elevators are a lot like urinals.

Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

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It‘s so awkward!

My sister and my new girlfriend have the same name. That‘s so awkward... now every time we have sex I gotta think about my new girlfriend.

awkward moment in shop for 2 old ladies...

A pair of old ladies are waiting in line at the checkout, with a cucumber each.


When they reach the checkout the young man says to them they can have both cucumbers for 80c or a store special of 3 cucumbers for a $1.


One lady turns to the other & says:


'Wel...

If you think buying condoms is awkward,

Try returning them. I haven't been laid in forever :(

Awkward college reunions

At the 40th college reunion, Peter met his classmate he hadn't seen since graduation. "John," he said, "you look just like you did in college. You really haven't changed a bit."

"I know," said John. " It was terrible going through college looking like a 61- year old."

- Congratulations ! You’ve just won the most-awkward-situations award

-really?!!

-not you , the dude on your right

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You know that awkward moment when you're cumming and your mom starts calling you?

Me neither, when I masturbate I normally am the one who calls out her name.

"Do you know how awkward you are?"

"Good, you?"

Why are Titanic themed parties so awkward?

They lack good icebreakers!

I met my wife on tinder.

Well, that was awkward.

A pirate awkwardly stumbles into a bar.

Bartender: What's wrong?

Pirate: Aye, a scallywag shoved me boat's steering wheel down me pants and it's stuck there in me crotch!

Bartender: That sounds painful.

Pirate: Aye, it's a driving me nuts.

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A young guy goes into a drug store owned by two spinster sisters.

He awkwardly says to the one lady at the pharmacy counter, "Um, this is embarrassing but I have this condition where about once a day I become incredibly aroused and overcome by the desire to have sex with any woman at all. It's overwhelming! What can you give me for it?"

"Hmm," replied the l...

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A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'N...

Why did the social awkward man never go to the second storey of his house ?

He couldn't handle the stairs.

Giving prostate exams is one of the more awkward parts of being a doctor.

I just hope my patients don't realize im a dentist.

I find it really awkward that my Grandparents named my Dad's sister "Vaccine"...

I'm embarrassed to tell people that she's Auntie Vax.

That Awkward moment when you pay $2 for Evian water

and notice if spelled backwards your Naive

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Did you remember how awkward it was

the talk your parents give you about sex.
Like so fucking awkward dude.
"Did you already cum".
Like yeah mom... Damn!!

All my jokes are greeted with an awkward silence.

You could hear a pun drop.

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Three prostitutes are sitting at a bar

Over a well deserved the drink the 3 discuss their skills and attributes.

The first explains that she is so accommodating she can fit a whole fist inside of her and proceeds to give a demonstration.

The second unimpressed states that she can fit two fists, elbow deep. After some stretc...

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My wedding night with my wife was awkward...

When we undressed I told her she was beautiful and looked like a goddess in the moonlight. She told me it looked like my hard on was trying to ask my butt a question.

Why is Thanksgiving so awkward in Hollywood?

So many of the producers want to sit at the kids table.

How does a tree handle an awkward situation?

It leaves.

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A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date...

Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two

At the dance, Wood-Eye Pete stood awkwardly to the side

Deciding there wasn't much to lose he decided to ask Pudgie Peggy to dance.
"Would you care to dance?" He asked her, gamely.
With enthusiasm Pudgie Peggy eagerly expressed her delight almost yelling, “ Would I??!!“
Pete blushed with shame and quickly defended himself yelling “Well you're ...

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

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That awkward moment when you're about to hug

That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.

My sister Mary has an abusive husband. Their BBQs are awkward...

We watch him eat, drink and beat Mary.

Why was it awkward to talk to the mountaineer?

He liked to tell everyone when he was climb-axing.

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Adam Sandler told the funniest joke I've ever heard. It's about Shaq.

So Sandler relays the story below:

I was playing basketball and got the opportunity to play with Shaq. It was great. Afterward it just so happens that I'm in the showers and it's just him and me in adjoining showers. So I think to myself, I've got to see his penis. This is my one chance. I've...

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

A lot of people call # a Hashtag but back in my day it was the pound sign

which makes the movement #MeToo a bit awkward

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Prince Harry’s bachelor party had to be pretty awkward.

He was putting pictures of his grandma in a strippers G string.

Years ago when I was a teenager I had a summer job at a petrol (gas) station

Years ago when I was a teenager I had a summer job at a petrol station …. Back in those days it wasn’t self service , so my job was to put petrol in cars when a customer arrived.

I always remember this one particular day when an old chap pulled in and said he wanted a fill-up. Then he got out...

What did the awkward quark say to the diuranium after it said "enjoy your meal"?

Thanks, U2

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What do you say after sex to make it awkward?

Do you have a washcloth? My dog usually cleans me up.

A socially awkward guy at a party...

...never knows what to say to women. So a friend suggests asking them if they're married, have any kids.

"Are you married?"

"No."

"um...have any kids...?" She gives him a disgusted look, walks away.

He thinks to himself, maybe I did that wrong, let me try it again.
...

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I was watching porn last night when my grandmother suddenly walked in.

It was an awkward way to find out what she did for a living.

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Many guys feel awkward having a small penis.....

But I manage to pull it off

What do you call those awkward days between Christmas and New Year?

The Merryneum.

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I walked in on my parents having sex once.

Most awkward 30 minutes of my life.

I'm at an awkward weight

I'm fat enough to not look good with my shirt off, but not fat enough for it to become part of my charm.

I'm caught between a rock and a lard place.

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

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well this is awkward...

Three men were sent up to heaven because they died. Jesus met them up there and said, "I see that you three have died. Tell me how you all met your death."
The first man said, "Well I was working at the office like any other day, when my boss gave me the rest of the day off. I came home, and my ...

It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...

...ever lose their son Tim in a forest.

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how to dismiss awkward boners

"Don't worry about him...he's a real dick"

Hooker and the awkward John

A guy walks into a brothel and whispers to the madam "I'd like a girl for the night but she has to be understanding about physical disabilities." She gives him the keys to a room and he heads up. A beautiful woman walks in and tells him everything will be okay, he should relax and take off his cloth...

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Going home for the holidays is always awkward for me.

I arrived at my parents house where my mother was already hard at work in the kitchen baking and preparing for the meal tomorrow.

She came out to sit with me and we talked through our most recent Netflix obsessions, favorite foods, and caught up on each other's lives.

After our discuss...

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An awkward loner goes to a pub.

An awkward loner, sick of being lonely, makes the effort to go to a pub.

It's crowded and noisy but he decides to stay and have a counter lunch.

Having made his choice from the menu over the bar, he pushes his way to counter and attracts the the attention of a rather attractive barmai...

"May I sleep with your sister?" is such an awkward question to ask.

I have no idea how my dad is going to respond.

There's nothing more awkward than...

There's nothing more awkward than throwing a surprise party for a psychic.

A boy is writing a paper on childbirth and asks his parents, "How was I born?"

His mother awkwardly answers, "The stork brought you."


"Oh," says the boy. "Well, how were you and Daddy born?"


"Um, well, the stork brought us, too, and Grandpa and Grandma."


The boy begins his paper, "This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact tha...

How much did the socially awkward polar bear weigh?

Probably not enough to break the ice.

Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?

I'm pretty sure he has Asp burgers.

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My proctologist tried to ease the awkwardness after the unexpected orgasm by telling me it's perfectly natural,

I just wish he'd have aimed away from me.

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Fonzie Jokes: Guaranteed to solicit awkward groans in any social gathering.

Do you often find yourself thinking "what this social gathering needs is some awkward silence!" Well, you have come to the right place. these jokes are 10,000% guaranteed to get you all the groans and derrisive stares you want, guaranteed or your karma back!

Here is collection of comedy gold ...

I remember as a child, lying in bed waiting for Santa to come...

Then there was always that awkward silence as he got dressed and left.

A girl suggested I set up a double date to make our first time out less awkward

I really hope my parents like her

Christmas is always awkward in Steve Harvey's house

None of the presents have the correct names.

the most awkward time in my life

Was when I locked my keys in my car and had to walk into the nearby abortion clinic to ask to borrow a coat hanger.

A man goes into a restaurant with his pet snake.

He seats himself at a table, and his snake slithers up onto the seat next to him. Soon, a waitress comes to take his order.

The man declares, "I want 25 hamburgers- two for me and 23 for my pet snake here."

The waitress leaves, and 20 minutes later returns with two plates. On the man's...

I had an awkward moment with my english teacher.

Apparently pathetic fallacy has nothing to do with erectile dysfunction.

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