What happens when you get a 100 socially awkward people together in a room?

Nothing.

Really awkward pick-up line.

Me: You look like my first wife.

Her: (surprised) How many wives have you had?

Me: None

*wedding music starts playing*

My friend was mad at me for smelling his sister's underwear.

I can't tell if it was because the rest of his family was there, or because they were still on her.

It sure made the rest of the funeral awkward.

Awkward phone call:

"You put it down!"

"No, *you* put it down!"

"No, really, you put it down!"

"I can't, you put it down!"

"No, you put it down!"

"You put it down."

"No, you!"

"No, you put it down."

"For goodness sake, it's an old dog and you're a trained vet!"

A socially awkward loner finally landed a job as a mailman. When the people on his route saw a new face, they instinctively wanted to know who he was and he always gave the same response.

Long time lurker, first time poster.

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I had sex with my second cousin, and now it's really awkward

I should have learnt my lesson with the first one.

A virus walks into a bar, and sits down. The bartender tells him, "We don't serve your kind here."

The virus is momentarily taken aback by this unexpected and blatant display of bigotry, the likes of which he's only seen in history textbooks.

For a brief moment, he considers the bartender. What kind of life experiences would shape someone into such a pathetic piece of garbage? What happene...

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The first time I had sex, it was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled nervously and moaned, “This is a bit awkward.” I grunted...

“Just ignore them!”

My friend got really mad when he caught me sniffing his sister’s underwear.

I don't know if it was because she was still wearing them or that the rest of the family was watching. Either way, the funeral got very awkward after that.

What does a socially awkward and depressed frog say?

Reddit.!

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I hate shower sex.

It's slippery, awkward, and one of the worst things about prison.

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

A family of potatoes sat down to dinner...

...There was a mom potato, dad potato, and three daughter potatoes. The oldest daughter potato said "I have exciting news! I'm getting married!"

The family bustled with excitement. "We're so happy for you!" said dad potato, "who is the lucky fellow?"

"He's an Idaho potato," said the el...

I met my wife on Tinder

**that** was awkward.

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A Marine Sergeant recently returned from Afghanistan attends his 10 year high school reunion

At the 10 year reunion for Lockwood High School class of 2010, Allison is getting a fresh drink when she runs into Jim. Jim was a bit awkward and quiet in high school, but now he's wearing a Marine sergeant's uniform, with a row of ribbons.

Allison strikes up a conversation and Jim has become...

A Proctology exam.

A man is sitting over the counter with his pants down at the doctors office.

The doctor comes in and sits down and starts working the gloves onto his hands.

“Alright Brian, it’s your first proctology exam, just sit back, relax, and try not to get an erection” the doctor says.

...

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Sex is about division, not multiplication

So a long-married 60yo couple get a divorce and revenge remarry 20 year olds.

They bump into each other a year later. After an awkward exchange, the wife says.
'Well, at least I am better off than you.'.
'What do you mean', the ex hubby asked? ' I married a smoking hot 20yo and the sex ...

Why did the social awkward man never go to the second storey of his house ?

He couldn't handle the stairs.

Giving prostate exams is one of the more awkward parts of being a doctor.

I just hope my patients don't realize im a dentist.

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What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wifi.

I wanna try asking out my school crush, but it might come off as awkward

Man being a teacher is hard

awkward moment in shop for 2 old ladies...

A pair of old ladies are waiting in line at the checkout, with a cucumber each.


When they reach the checkout the young man says to them they can have both cucumbers for 80c or a store special of 3 cucumbers for a $1.


One lady turns to the other & says:


'Wel...

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Watched 50 Shades of Grey with my parents and Christ if all the sex didn't make the whole thing awkward.

I could barely see the screen with my mom bent over like that.

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish the time zones

- Why?
Putin asks him.

- Ah, I can't find myself with these times:

- I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep,

- I last woke you up at 4 in the morning, but I thought it was only evening,

- I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and sh...

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I used to sell vacuum cleaners door to door and do demonstrations by appointment. Seriously I did.

I had an appointment to demonstrate a machine at a home in a rural area. The house looked rough and as I walked to the door carrying all my demonstration equipment, a big mangy dog with a matted eye crowded me and followed me to the house.

I rang the bell and the lady let me in and the stupi...

That awkward moment when you tell a chemistry joke, and get no reaction.

I guess all the good chemistry puns argon.

What did the awkward quark say to the diuranium after it said "enjoy your meal"?

Thanks, U2

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That awkward moment when you're having sex with a German girl and she keeps yelling "Nine!"

Like, are you just yelling your age or are ten of us too many?

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I was watching porn last night when my grandmother suddenly walked in.

It was an awkward way to find out what she did for a living.

My aunt named her son "Shine".

I didn't know why she gave him such an awkward name.

Until one day when I listened to her singing her son to sleep:

"You are my son, Shine,

My only son, Shine..."

\-----

Edit: stupid typo

Homecomeback

It was the annual homecoming dance at the local high school gym. Most of the young folk were out on the dance floor but a few young men and women lined the sides of the gym, hoping for a dance partner to ask them out onto the dance floor. After waiting anxiously for quite a while, a rather awkward f...

A priest and a nun are driving to a monastery

A priest and a nun are driving in a car towards a monastery, priest behind the wheel.

Approaching the red light, priest places gently his hand on the nuns knee to which the nun looks at him and says, “Father, remember Luke 14:10”. Priest apologies, removes his hand and keeps on driving.
...

Click for a dumb blonde joke...

A town decides to host the biggest convention in history: a blonde convention.

Blondes from all over the world came to this event to meet some fellow blondes.

The plan was to prove for once and for all that the stereotype of blondes being dumb was a lie. So a big stage was set up in th...

At the dance, Wood-Eye Pete stood awkwardly to the side

Deciding there wasn't much to lose he decided to ask Pudgie Peggy to dance.
"Would you care to dance?" He asked her, gamely.
With enthusiasm Pudgie Peggy eagerly expressed her delight almost yelling, “ Would I??!!“
Pete blushed with shame and quickly defended himself yelling “Well you're ...

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Gosh, hell must be really awkward.

I mean there's Hitler, and all the Jews.

When small talk with the neighbors gets awkward.

I live in the Bible Belt and took a stroll around the neighborhood earlier in the week. At the turnaround an old man with a walker was getting the mail. He asked me my name and we engaged in some small talk.

 

I was about to leave, but his wife came outside so I stayed and sai...

In a a gents restroom, a man is sitting in a stall doing his business.

Suddenly the man in the next stall starts a conversation:

"Hello there!"

"Umm... Hello"

"How are you?"

"I'm uhh..fine... How about yourself?"

"I'm doing great. What are your doing right now?"

"Uhhhh..... Nothing much.... Just sitting here...."

"Shall ...

What's the difference between awkward and uncomfortable?

Underwear can be uncomfortable, but when you involve other people in the problem it gets awkward.

Awkward college reunions

At the 40th college reunion, Peter met his classmate he hadn't seen since graduation. "John," he said, "you look just like you did in college. You really haven't changed a bit."

"I know," said John. " It was terrible going through college looking like a 61- year old."

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You know that awkward moment when you're cumming and your mom starts calling you?

Me neither, when I masturbate I normally am the one who calls out her name.

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

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Jane is on her honeymoon with Tarzan.

He lays stiff in bed awkwardly staring at the roof of the treehouse. "Have you ever had sex?" She asks, he stands up and points out the window, "when Tarzan horny, Tarzan poke hole in tree."

She walks over to him and says "Just do the same, pretend i'm the tree." He nods, and swiftly kicks he...

A Test of Faith

A Catholic priest, a Buddhist monk and a Jehovah's witness, tired of the endless debates, decided to prove amongst themselves which faith was the real one, once and for all.

All three decided on the test:
They must each, one after the other, jump off a tall, steep cliff, and chant the ...

Don't believe everything you read in public toilets

Sharon was not up for a good time and it was a very awkward phone call

That awkward moment when at the end she wanted a handshake, but you went on for a full french kiss

That job interview wasn’t really going anywhere, anyway.

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A man has been drinking alone all day at a bar and checks his clock

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to rip my balls off", thinks to himself. But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up."

So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes lat...

That Awkward moment when you pay $2 for Evian water

and notice if spelled backwards your Naive

My first orgy was an experience to remember. I expected to it to be full of awkwardness and disappointment.

But thankfully all my cousins were really supportive.

My sister Mary has an abusive husband. Their BBQs are awkward...

We watch him eat, drink and beat Mary.

A girl suggested I set up a double date to make our first time out less awkward

I really hope my parents like her

All my jokes are greeted with an awkward silence.

You could hear a pun drop.

I locked myself out of my car next to an abortion clinic...

It was really awkward asking them for a hanger

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My wife reckons that recently I have become an awkward, arrogant cunt, and she just can't understand me.

Seems like my French classes are going really well.

It's awkward touching hands with a woman in a popcorn bag.

Especially if you don't know her and she doesn't know that you're eating her popcorn.

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My proctologist tried to ease the awkwardness after the unexpected orgasm by telling me it's perfectly natural,

I just wish he'd have aimed away from me.

A pirate awkwardly stumbles into a bar.

Bartender: What's wrong?

Pirate: Aye, a scallywag shoved me boat's steering wheel down me pants and it's stuck there in me crotch!

Bartender: That sounds painful.

Pirate: Aye, it's a driving me nuts.

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My wedding night with my wife was awkward...

When we undressed I told her she was beautiful and looked like a goddess in the moonlight. She told me it looked like my hard on was trying to ask my butt a question.

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My window cleaner caught me masturbating today. It was awkward.

Maybe I shouldn't have been standing in his garden.

That awkward moment when

That awkward moment when the woman you’re dancing behind bends over so you can grind it. But it turns out she just dropped an earring, and no one else in Mcdonalds can hear the music on your iPod.

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It‘s so awkward!

My sister and my new girlfriend have the same name. That‘s so awkward... now every time we have sex I gotta think about my new girlfriend.

If you think buying condoms is awkward,

Try returning them. I haven't been laid in forever :(

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That awkward moment when you're about to hug

That awkward moment when you're about to hug someone sexy as hell and then you hit the mirror.

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What's an awkward moment for a homosexual when they're trying to use Google Maps?

When it tells them to go straight.

My nerdy friend got a Ph.D on the History of Palindromes.

He’s now Dr.Awkward.

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Did you remember how awkward it was

the talk your parents give you about sex.
Like so fucking awkward dude.
"Did you already cum".
Like yeah mom... Damn!!

Why was it awkward to talk to the mountaineer?

He liked to tell everyone when he was climb-axing.

Why are Titanic themed parties so awkward?

They lack good icebreakers!

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Prince Harry’s bachelor party had to be pretty awkward.

He was putting pictures of his grandma in a strippers G string.

Why is Thanksgiving so awkward in Hollywood?

So many of the producers want to sit at the kids table.

How does a tree handle an awkward situation?

It leaves.

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Elevator Awkwardness

Elevators are a lot like urinals.

Everyone’s looking down, nobody’s making eye contact, and my penis is exposed.

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What do you say after sex to make it awkward?

Do you have a washcloth? My dog usually cleans me up.

What's the most awkward place to run into a homeless person?

On your way to the Coinstar... "ehh, no i don't have any spare change, I was just on my way to turn this into real money"

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A nun, a hot blonde, a German and a Frenchman are sitting in a train compartment.

They don‘t know each other and are minding their own business. The train drives into a tunnel and it gets so dark in the compartment that you could not see your own hand in front of your eyes.

Suddenly a violently loud slapping noise rips into the silence. When the train leaves the tunnel ev...

Man in a movie theater

An old man lay awkwardly sprawled across three entire seats in the movie theatre

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the old man,

"Sorry sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The old man didn't budge.

The usher became more impatient.

"Sir, if...

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A cabbie is waiting outside a Vegas casino when a smartly-dressed man runs out in a state of extreme distress.

He comes up to the cab and says "You've got to get me to the airport straight away! I'm needed in New York as soon as possible, there's millions at stake!" and the cabbie says "Sure, no problem, fella, just fifty bucks for the fare and we're good to go".

The smartly-dressed man says "This is ...

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It was a bad idea doing tacos the night before the big meeting. Everyone looked shocked when I accidentally farted loudly.

I looked back at them, just as shocked. After a moment, I broke the awkward silence, and said,

"Did you hear that asshole talking shit behind my back?"

I was walking a girl home last night, and at some point, things got a little awkward.

She turned around, and saw me walking her home.

My girlfriend bought me the karma sutra

Which put me in a very awkward position

So, apple, lemon, and pea escape from the refrigerator..

Happy to be free from their prison, they go to a bar to celebrate. Many bars later, they're all tipsy at best when they come across a hill.

Pea, being a energetic drunk, gets super excited saying, "Hey! Let's roll down the hill! Come on!" And before the other two object he launches hims...

It’s going to be awkward if Mr. and Mrs. Burr...

...ever lose their son Tim in a forest.

Eucalyptus street

Operator: 911, what's your emergency?
Man: A guy just got hit by a car, I need an ambulance.
Operator: What's your location?
Man: I'm on Eucalyptus street.
Operator: Can you spell that for me?
Man: (long awkward pause)
Operator: Sir? Are you there?
Man: I'm gonna drag him over t...

"May I sleep with your sister?" is such an awkward question to ask.

I have no idea how my dad is going to respond.

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

A pair of twins walk into a bar...

A pair of twins walk into a bar.

A man walks up to them and asks:

"So is it true that twins can communicate telepathically"

They look at each other in silence for about 30 seconds when the man says:

"I'm sorry if that was an awkward question, it was stupid of me to ask"...

Have you heard about that socially awkward chef that only cooks with snake meat?

I'm pretty sure he has Asp burgers.

"Do you know how awkward you are?"

"Good, you?"

I went on a date for the first time and it went very poorly.

My wife agreed it was very awkward and told me we shouldn't try it again any time soon.

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A doctor sees his patient awkwardly standing at the bar.

Doctor: “Hey patient how are you feeling, did the constipation get better?”

Patient: “No”

Doctor: “So you’re still not able to to go number 2.”

Patient: “No shit doc.”

Doctor: “But why are you standing?”

Patient: “I’ve got no stool.”

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This guy goes to a barber shop......

Half way through his haircut the barber suddenly walks to a corner in the shop, unzips his fly and takes a piss on the floor. He then nonchalantly returns and continues with the haircut. After a few awkward minutes, the customer couldn't help but ask the barber why he took a piss on the shop's flo...

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Many guys feel awkward having a small penis.....

But I manage to pull it off

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This guy was buying a pregnancy test. I looked at him and he looked back awkwardly.

"It's not for me," he said, embarrassed. "It's for my sister."

I said, "Sick bastard. Why are you having sex with her?"

What's the difference between awkward and awful?

Awkward is finding your mom on Tinder, awful is matching with her

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My friend asked, "What's the most awkward thing you've said during orgasm?"

I thought for a second and said, "Probably...You're better than my girlfriend,"

"Wow," he laughed, "What did she say?"

I said, "Nothing, dead people don't talk."

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My therapist says I'm socially awkward because I misinterpret what people say to me...

I'm pretty sure she wants me

A middle aged bachelor has an obsession with tractors.

His entire house is decorated with them. He has tractor wallpaper, tractor memorabilia, many many model tractors, pictures of tractors, tractor bed sheets, even his car looks like a tractor (not a real tractor due to legal reasons).

As it is, his obsession with tractors had left him awkward, ...

I went to a 4-year olds birthday party once, it was kinda awkward...

...probably because I wasn't invited...

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An unkempt teenager with his pants hanging half off his bottom walked into the local welfare office to pick up his welfare payment.

He marched up to the counter and said,

"Hi. You know, I just H A T E drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."

The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job ope...

I got into an awkward situation by having an erection at the office.

I was hard at work.

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Going home for the holidays is always awkward for me.

I arrived at my parents house where my mother was already hard at work in the kitchen baking and preparing for the meal tomorrow.

She came out to sit with me and we talked through our most recent Netflix obsessions, favorite foods, and caught up on each other's lives.

After our discuss...

A wife asks her husband, "If I died, do you think you would remarry?" (joke from my 79 year old great aunt)

The husband replies, "Remarry? No way! I'd be too devestated by your death, I could never replace you."

The wife insists that her husband take a new wife, "If I go before you, I would hate for you to be alone. Please tell me you'd find a new wife."

The husband promises to honor his wi...

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Fonzie Jokes: Guaranteed to solicit awkward groans in any social gathering.

Do you often find yourself thinking "what this social gathering needs is some awkward silence!" Well, you have come to the right place. these jokes are 10,000% guaranteed to get you all the groans and derrisive stares you want, guaranteed or your karma back!

Here is collection of comedy gold ...

My brother is illiterate

It was his 16th birthday party this past weekend, and boy was it awkward. He just couldn't read the room.

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Awkward moments

The way the joke is supposed to go:

>A man went to Alaska a 129 lb weakling and he came back a husky fucker.

My friend, who just started working at a new place, said it like this to a group of his new co-workers:

>A man went to Alaska a 129 lb weakling and he came back fuc...

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20,018,884 virgins say hi

You say hi back.

20,018,885 virgins stare at each other awkwardly.

A socially awkward guy at a party...

...never knows what to say to women. So a friend suggests asking them if they're married, have any kids.

"Are you married?"

"No."

"um...have any kids...?" She gives him a disgusted look, walks away.

He thinks to himself, maybe I did that wrong, let me try it again.
...

Enter job interview . Interviewer asks infamous question "what is your greatest weakness in the workplace?" Pause for 10 to 15 seconds then say "I'm bad with awkward silences "

If the don't laugh then pause again and say "sometimes my jokes aren't well received " problem solved

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It was awkward silence for 8 hours straight,With an occasional sigh or heavy breath

Then she woke up and screamed: who the fuck are you?

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Awkward silence

Scenario: Jack is standing on Las Vegas strip asking all the passing by girls, you know for what.

Jack: 50 dollars.

Everyone ignoring. And suddenly...

Girl: How about 500?

Jack: 500? Sure.

Went to hotel and had amazing sex. And after sex...

Jack: Wow that wa...

that awkward feeling. when you are sitting on the toilet and forgot to lock the door and your boss walks in...

and your pants are up.

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Boris Johnson,Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing..

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing on the North Sea coast .

Boris Johnson starts to brag while looking at the Water : „We British have the best submarines in the World. Our subs can be submerged under water for over one month without refueling!“

Merkel is looking...

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