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Bizarre Jokes

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Bizarre Facts no One Knows

1. Most humans were born on their birthday
2. The distance from the Earth to the Sun is the same exact distance from the Sun to the Earth
3. A normal skeleton has enough bones to make an entire skeleton
4. If you took out all your veins and laid them out end to end, you would die.
5. The...

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There was this really bizarre porn on the other day; it was just a guy on his couch, crying and jerking off.

Turns out I hadn't turned the TV on.

TIL: My new boss has a bizarrely specific number fetish and almost everyone knows

He's a four man.

I met my new girlfriend at a fancy dress party where coincidentally and bizarrely, we were both dressed as dolphins...

We just clicked...

I'm a 5G installation engineer and people are constantly accusing me with bizarre conspiracy theories, such as how 5G is giving them headaches, or killing their sperm. I think they are completely crazy.

4G must've fried their brains.

Got a bizarre email this morning, explaining how to read maps backwards.

It was spam.

The last twenty five years have been a bizarre time to grow up.

For instance, i've lived through more 'Spiderman' re-boots than legitimate presidential elections.

What do you call an absolutely bizarre match on a dating site?

A tinder surprise egg

A duck waddles into a hotel’s lobby convenience store…

…and loudly asks the bored clerk, “Hey, where can a guy get some Tic Tacs?”

Incredulous, the store clerk responds to the waterfowl at his feet, “Did you just ask for Tic Tacs?”

“Yeah, Tic Tacs,” says the duck. “Got a date with a smokin’ hot redhead.”

Not knowing for certain how...

Elon Musk caused a major scandal today by going on a bizarre rant about Coronavirus.

I hope Elon-gate is not too drawn out.

My life is like going to see a M. Night Shyamalan film....bizarre characters, lots of plot twists

and I want my money back.

The person who wrote the auto-correct logic was killed in a bizarre farming accident.

Rest in Pieces!

I broke up with a girl once because she was having hallucinations.

She said "Carl, I.. can't see you anymore"... That was weird. I was like- "Babe, I'm standing right here." then she said "No, you don't understand... I'm seeing someone else" which was really bizarre because it was just the two of us in the room. I had to break it off after that.

Jojo's Bizarre Adventure memes are stupid

I just can't Stand them.

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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

I dreamt I was being chased by a bizarre sentence with two poorly distinguished clauses.

So I made a mad dash for it.

The letters I, Z, R and E walked into a bar.

The result was bizarre.

Yesterday, when I rode through Nottingham Forest, I witnessed a bizarre scene: Robin Hood was in the middle of a sandwich with Richard Lionheart and a homeless girl.

Surprised, I stopped and shouted "What are you doing?"


And Robin Hood shouted back: "Can't you see that? I take it from Rich and give it to the poor."

I just finished installing a 5G mast for the local area when this crazy lady runs out of the house and starts throwing bizarre accusations of how 5G is hurting people's health and what monsters we telecoms guys are. What a screwball!

4G must've fried her brain.

A young inexperience couple on their wedding night NSFW

They have never been intimate and they begin to undress and see each other naked for the first time. The husband takes off his socks and his toes are contorted and bizarre looking. "Whoa!" she says, "what's up with your toes???"

 

"I had a childhood disease that left them lik...

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Young Elizabeth is soon about to be crowned Queen of England. However, there is still one important thing missing: a husband. Her family and court advisors are getting increasingly worried.

Every single day court advisors approach Elizabeth and ask:

"Ma'am, have you already decided on a husband?"

To which the young future queen always answers:

"No. Why do I need a husband? I'm modern, I'm independent, and I'm about to be the Queen of England! A man would surely onl...

The mule

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of their home. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly

to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship.



To no avail, she kept nagg...

The elephantine Russian emperor held an open air market for strange wooden dowels.

It was Tsar Babar's bizarre bar bazaar.

Had the most bizarre experience before the quarantine, when I sat down in a movie theater and noticed that the man in front of me had brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film and I was astounded.

When the lights come up I tap the dog's owner o...

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Was very nearly on a gameshow.

It was called Number Quest and involved answering math based question while standing in large numbered circles.

Anyway, just before I went on, I really needed to pee, but the producer was shouty and intimidating, so I was too afraid to ask. Plus it was live, so I didn’t think I had time.
...

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A joke written by the AI, ChatGPT

The sky above the port was the color of a moldy jellyfish, a sickly green that made everyone below feel nauseous. But a group of rebellious clowns, led by the hapless hero Isaac Newton, had a plan to bring some joy to the dreary sky. Using a circus tent and a lot of helium, they intended to lift the...

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush.

Moses was walking down the street when he bumped into George W. Bush. “Hello,” Bush said. “Nice weather we’re having, huh?” Moses took one look at the President, turned, and ran in the other direction.

The next day Moses was walking down the same street and there was Bush. Again he tried to i...

BoJo’s brother quit being an MP today.

It’s a slightly disappointing end to JoJo’s Bizarre Adventure.

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Golden Urinals

So a man is always cheating on his wife. She finally gets fed up with him and says the next time he gives her a lame excuse, she is going to leave him. A few days later he comes home extremely late.
"So what's the excuse this time," she said.
"Hey, I was drinking all night with my buddies. I...

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying: 'Hi, how are you?'

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the men's restroom, but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'Doin' just fine.'
And the other guy says: 'So what are you up to?'
What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: '...

The Paper Cowboy

A cowboy walked into a bar and ordered a whisky. When the bartender delivered the drink, the cowboy asked, "Where is everybody?"

The bartender replied, "They've gone to the hanging."

"Hanging? Who are they hanging?"

"Brown Paper Pete," the bartender replied.

"What kind of...

How Woman was created.

So, Adam was in the Garden of Eden having a chat with the Lord. He was complaining about those stray "urges" he was experiencing and how there was no one to help him deal with them.

"OK", replied the Lord. "I'll take care of this. I will create Woman for you. She will cook, clean and keep...

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[This one is better if you can act it out in person] A guy walks into a bar...

...sits down at the bar, gets a drink, and then begins poking at the palm of his hand before holding it to the side of his face and having a conversation with...apparently no one...for several minutes.

The bartender's weirded out by this, so he approaches the man as soon as his 'episode' is o...

It was a midnight journey on the Paris underground.

I stared intently at the floor thinking about the end of my trip to France. Then it started. Tick, tick, tick, bing. Slow and rhythmic but getting gradually louder. Tick tick, tick, bing.

Turning to the old woman on my left I asked her what was happening. She shrugged and tutted then looked...

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I ran into a buddy last month and invited him to a party

He said, “no, thanks. I don’t go to parties anymore. It’s too embarrassing.“

“What do you mean?“

“Well, I always drink too much, and when I’m drunk I think it’s funny to piss in peoples’ flower pots. Then the next day, everybody’s talking about it, and it’s too embarrassing. So I just ...

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A guy walks into a bar and asks for a martini.

The bartender immediately launches in a long bizarre story about a rooster his parents owned as a child. "What's with the story about the chicken?" the exasperated guy asks. "Oh, I'm sorry," the bartender apologizes. "I thought you asked for a cock tale."

My social life is like an oxygen mask

Nonexistant unless something bizarre happens

What do you call a strange market?

A bizarre bazaar

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The Home Minister, the Minister of Defence and the Minister of Fisheries are on a state visit to the Vatican.

As a courtesy, the Pope dines with them that night. The food is good, and the conversation still better. As the evening wears on, the Home Minister notices that her cup has run dry, and uses the opportunity to show off her inexhaustible wit. "Pope the divine," she says, turning to the solemn head of...

World renowned singer-songwriter Billy Joel questioned about Fox News tree blaze

Authorities in New York City say that they briefly questioned award-winning musical superstar William Martin Joel about his potential involvement in a Wednesday morning blaze of the Christmas tree in front of Fox NewsCorp's headquarters in Midtown Manhattan.

Police say they questioned the 72 ...

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A girl named Yu was being held captive by a tribe of goblins...

The goblins were very particular about how they did things, as they enjoyed toying with their captives. They all had a bizarre sense of humor.

“Let me go!” shouted Yu, who was suspended twenty feet in the air by ropes and pulleys. The goblins just chuckled at the fact that they knew she could...

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A man and his son were at the grocery store today...

They were using a cart that had a child-size car attached to the front with the kid inside. While I was shopping, I noticed the dad started hitting the cart into the wall, it was a pretty bizarre sight to see. Before I could intervene, the kid yells,



Kid: DAAAAAD, stop!!! What are you...

A man is stranded in the desert dying of thirst.

As he crawls along he spots something on the horizon. As he gets closer, he sees the objects are market stalls. He goes t the first stall and pleads for water. The stall holder tells him he only sells jelly with broken biscuit in it. He crawls to the next stall and and pleads for water put the stall...

Two identical twins separated at birth...

... And are put up for adoption. One of the twins gets adopted by a Mexican couple and is named Juan. The other twin gets adopted by an Egyptian family and is named Hamal.
Years later their biological mother and father receive a letter from both their children saying how through a bizarre series...

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Three friends go skiiing

These three friends decide to go on a skiing trip.

When they get to the resort and find the cabin they've rented, they realize its only one king sized bed. Undeterred by this, the three friends decide to just deal with it and share the bed as they will only be in here to sleep for a couple o...

Three men in a hospital

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Spaniard were all in the hospital for a bizarre sickness. After numerous weeks without any sort of change, they had decided to end their lives. The three devised a plan to get on the roof, and jump tomorrow night.

The next night, they had all reached the roof...

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Hospital inspection

A major donor (think having a wing named after him) came to a hospital of which he was a benefactor to see where his money was going. It was up to a Charge Nurse to give him a tour of the med/surg floor.

They are walking down a hallway when the donor looks in and sees a patient in bed furious...

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Farmer John and his wife Mary lived on a big piece of land in the middle of Ohio.

They did pretty well for themselves, but as all affluent farmers will know, farming is not easy money. After a few years of living together and working very hard, their marriage started to fall apart. Being just as determined to keep their marriage together as they were to keep their farm running, t...

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Bob, an accountant





was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing.


His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor.


He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a...

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A man goes to his doctor.

"Doc, I think I'm oversexed."

"Well, how often do you and your wife have sex?"

"About three times a week."

"You're not oversexed. That's perfectly normal."

"Well, I'm seeing my secretary, too."

"Oh, so how often do you have sex with her?"

"About three times ...

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Martha had terrible acne and had very little luck getting dates.

She was so glad when Bill started taking an interest in her. She didn’t mind at all that Bill had a fake wooden eye that looked off in odd directions when he spoke. She was just happy to have a man finally take an interest in her despite her terrible acne problem.

For his part, Bill was ve...

I used to work in a pub next to a hospital

and this guy walked in one day with his hospital gown on and holding a drip on a stand that was still connected to his veins. I asked him how I could help? and bizarrely he said can I have 2 pints of lager, 2 pints of Guinness, 4 jack Daniels and coke, 3 gin and tonics, and 6 shots of tequila. It’s ...

"Oh man, Juan Valdez died this morning."

Ok, so it's not a 'joke' joke, but that's what you say. Maybe at work, at the bar with friends. Say it in a lull in the conversation. If you're really good, say it while scanning the paper or a news site.


Some people go, "oh!" And some people say, "wait, the Colombian coffee merchant?" an...

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A urologist meets an insurance agent, and they immediately hit it off.

# Actually, the exact opposite happens

Urologist: You know, we should trade jobs. Any positions open where you work?

Insurance Agent: Why? Is yours just that *piss-poor*?

Urologist: ... No. I just want to show how easy your job is compared to mine.

IA: It's only a mildly ...

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A couple who met on Tinder are out in the countryside riding their bikes...

The sun is shining, it's a warm day in early summer, and a couple who recently met on Tinder are riding their bicycles through the countryside. They are both attracted to each other, looking athletic in cycling gear, and getting a buzz out of the sexual tension, the sensation of speed, and the liber...

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill... (an original joke)

The scariest and most feared whale in the entire ocean had his son kidnapped by krill, in a guerilla act of revenge for all of the family they'd lost over the years. They snuck up one night, and in their masses, surrounded the sleeping calf, and swam away, carrying him miles away from his father. ...

My first wife was a Brit. I loved her accent and the different words she had for things.

She called the bathroom the "loo." She called the pharmacy the "chemist." But my favorite was the "post." It was a noun and a verb. The mail I brought home was called the "post," and when she wanted me to mail something, I was "posting" it.

We were not wealthy by any means, but after we had b...

Three are guys sitting around in heaven..

Three guys are in heaven, each sharing the story of their death. The first guy, propped up on his cloud recalls his ultimate demise. "Well, I had been sent home from work early one afternoon, and when I got home my wife was half naked and obviously surprised to see me. I found a pair of men's pants ...

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

Ok so there's this guy called Nate Palm

and every morning at work, there's this woman who always lingers around him, but in the afternoons she doesn't. She continues to do this for months and co workers find it bizarre that she's so attached to him in the mornings, yet so distanced from him in the afternoons. One day, one of the co worker...

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A cowboy walks into a saloon

Its empty but for the barkeep.

"Where is everyone?" cowboy asked

"They ran. Hiding. The black rider is coming" said the old man

"Why are they afraid of the black rider, whos he" puzzled cowboy asked

"He will kill any men, women and some say even children that he sees on...

A man had been stuck on an island for 10 years

One day, he came across a mysterious box that had washed ashore. He opened the box, hoping for something to help him, and was disappointed to discover a mysterious blue thing with a plastic cover and white things with letters.

He stewed for a while before discovering that he could spell out ...

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An interesting experiment

There was this specially talented musician, he could play almost any instrument, conduct an entire orchestra and compose like anyone else.

So, a couple scientists were very interested in finding how his brain works.

The musician agreed with a bizarre experiment, he would let the scient...

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Frog joke

A frog goes into a bank in search of a loan. He approaches Patricia Wack who deals with the loans in this particular bank and says "Hi, I'd like a £10,000 loan as I am doing some home renovations". Patricia is a little bemused, as it is a frog asking for a loan, but she is a polite lady and so conti...

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Farting Honda

A sales rep for an American auto parts supplier was in Tokyo for an important meeting with the chairman of Toyota to close a huge deal. After he got to his hotel, he farted and strangely it sounded like his ass said "Honda". Puzzled, he forced out another fart and sure enough it came out "hooonda". ...

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