UPJOKE
dirtyfilthyunpleasantawfulmeanhatefullousygrottyfouluncleanuglyviciousrudevilespiteful

Nasty Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nasty little kid and his father...

A nasty little kid and his father were walking down the street one day when the little kid sees a butterfly on the pavement and he stamps on it.

"That was\`nt a very nice thing to do. For doing that your not allowed to have any butter for a whole week as punishment", says the father.

T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got a nasty shock when I picked up the wife's taser today.

Fucking expensive, those things.

They say that mafia members are nasty people, but...

but while growing up, I lived next door to one and he was actually a nice guy.

In fact, every morning, he paid me $20 just to start his car.

Yo mama is so nasty..

They used to eat her out on Fear Factor.

Did you hear about the Scottish farmer who thought he'd caught a nasty STD?

Turns out he was allergic to wool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man got into a nasty accident

in which his penis was ripped off. At the hospital the surgeon was at wit’s end at what to do. Then he came a across a big dog whose penis he cut off and then stitched onto the man.

The man recovered and went about his daily life. One day the doctor met him and asked him about his penis. The...

A Nasty Divorce

On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feaste...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny's dad told his teacher that he has a nasty gambling habit...

and he says "Hey, Dad! I'll bet you $5 there's some dogs humping just around this corner!"
Dad considers how likely it would be, and says "You're on, kid!"
Once they get to the corner, they see the dogs going at it and Dad pays up.
So Dad calls Johnnys teacher. "Hey, my kid has this nasty g...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets on a bus, and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun. "Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A handyman needs to fix something in a house while the owner is away. The owner warns him: "I have a huge Rottweiler and a Parrot, the dog is nice but be careful of the bird!"

The handyman shrugs it of and enters the house.
Indeed, there is a huge Rottweiler sitting on the couch, but he behaves friendly.

But from the birdcage, the handyman hears the Parrot: "Hey, asshole!"

Handyman does not react.

Again, "hey, asshole, yes you, useless mf"

H...

NASTY JOKE WARNING: A man pulls into a motel late at night....

He goes to the office and the clerk asks, "what can I do for you?" The man says, "well, I just got married and we'd like a room by the lake."

"Oh, well congratulations," the clerk said. "I'll give you a nice cabin by the lake." He gives the man the keys and directs him to a cabin. He wa...

YO momma so nasty...

She pours salt water down her pants to keep the crabs fresh.

I recently received quite a nasty ear injury in a food fight at a cake shop.

So you'll have to forgive me since I'm a trifle deaf.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty".
To which the man responds, " Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg"

Everyone on /r/wallstreetbets is buying uranium in the hope of getting rich, but they're in for a nasty surprise

They're expected to lose 50% of their investment over the next 700 million years.

The nasty parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing...

A man returned to the U.S. after a trip abroad feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo a barrage of extensive tests. He's negative for COVID, Ebola, Malaria, and pretty much all the recognizable infectious diseases.


The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone...

You should see the nasty rejection letter I got from Heinz regarding my suggestion of a new condiment mixing relish and mustard…

It might have been the name though…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

I once had a nasty case of crabs. A friend suggested I sprinkle caster sugar on them.

It doesn't kill them, but it does rot their teeth.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mickey Mouse is having a nasty divorce with Minnie...

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation. "I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane..." Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's FUCKING GOOFY! "

Letter from 7 to 6

Dear 6,

Please stop spreading rumors about me eating 9. You shouldn't be talking. I hear you two do some pretty nasty things together.

Sincerely,
7

A high-society debutant is engaged to a low-born Greek guy...

Before the wedding, her mother takes her aside and says, "I've tried to talk you out of marrying this man, but you seem determined to go through with it, so just promise me one thing"

"Greeks have unnatural desires in the bedroom that are perverse, nasty, and disgusting. Just promise me now, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Creation of a Pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, smart with wit.
Using a knife, he gave it a slit.

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold.
With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole.

Third was a tailor, tall and thin
Usin...

Your momma so nasty...

That she goes to a sperm bank for a fill up.

I told my doctor that I got a nasty reaction from applying the haemorrhoid cream he prescribed.

He asked where I had applied it.

I was on the bus.

Stung...

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communica...

What does a European person say when they see something nasty?

EU.

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

Me [45M] and my boyfriend [18M] went out. We got nasty looks, comments and derision thrown at us all day.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cannibals are nasty

3 friends are captured by cannibals.

Each one of of them are given a last wish before they are killed.
The first guy asks for a smoking hot blonde. He has his way with her. As soon as his done, his skinned alive and killed. They use the skin to make the covering of a canoe. The other two...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to be a gracious bitch

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement, not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother of the bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(Overhead in a Arabic cafe- very nasty) A Tunisian, Algerian and Egyptian are arguing...

About whose the manliest out of all three. They decide to have a competition. They go to the zoo and rob three monkeys. They decide whoever gets the monkey pregnant must be the manliest man there is.

So the Tunisian shags his monkey and gets her pregnant and she gives birth to four little hum...

Why does Piglett smell nasty?

He plays with Pooh.

Your breath is so nasty....

That people look forward to your farts

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

A man buys a parrot and brings him home.

But the parrot starts insulting him and gets really nasty, so the man picks up the parrot and tosses him into the freezer to teach him a lesson. He hears the bird squawking for a few minutes, but all of a sudden the parrot is quiet. The man opens the freezer door, the parrot walks out, looks up at h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Nazi walks into a bar...

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yo mama so nasty,

She had to cut the string off her tampon so the crabs stop hanging themselves.

I kicked a nasty habit today.

Consequently, the nun wearing it filed assault charges against me.

Yo momma’s so nasty

That when you asked her what’s for dinner, she opened her legs and said “crabs.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.


"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nasty Grandpa with 5 year old kid

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to hav...

I had to go back to see my doctor today. I said, 'I applied the pile cream that you gave me this morning and I got a very nasty reaction.' 'Where exactly did you apply it?' he asked.

'On the bus' I replied

I named my dog dumpster and I've been getting pretty nasty looks when I call for him at the local dog park lately.

COME, DUMPSTER!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I once dated a girl named Rachel, but she turned out to be a nasty bitch. As a result, I now refuse to associate with women named Rachel

Then again, I could just be Rachel profiling

The bird flu is pretty nasty

Luckily, it's tweetable.

A woman gets a nasty cut...

... it's very deep and there's blood everywhere so she calls the emergency services. "Hello I've cut myself can i please speak to a doctor?" "Hi I'm a doctor, may I ask what your name is?"
"Maggie Smith"
"And when where you born?" Asked the doctor.
"17th of Apr...

2 police officers where patrolling when they saw a man saying some nasty things to the sky...

and approached him:

\-Hello sir, what are you doing here? Did you take any drugs?

\-No, I swear to God

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a lot of nasty jobs out there

Butt plumbers have seen some shit.

I answered my front door this morning and got punched in the face by a 5 foot tall beetle!

Obviously, there's a nasty bug going around…

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?

Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute

I saw a really nasty wreck on the way to work this morning...

...wish I had had time to pick her up.

My buddy is a doctor. When he got a nasty cut, he insisted he'd be able to do his own stitches.

I said, "Fine, suture self."

A man travelling across Europe catches a nasty cold

While resting at a hotel in Madrid, a man realizes hes sick and needs to go to the hospital. He quickly walks to the hotel's check-in desk and asks where the nearest hospital is, as he didnt really know what to call or where to go.

The hotel clerk says to the man: "No worries, sir. We shall ...

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Fresh College Graduate Celebrates In a Bar **Nasty**

A young man is celebrating his recent graduation from college with a few buddies in a bar. As the evening progresses, their drunkeness increases as well. Soon they notice an elderly lady sitting at the end of the bar, drowning her sorrows.

Eventually, one of his buddies dares him to go ov...

I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic.

But thankfully I’m cured.

I’m ex-static!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elephant is walking through the jungle

She steps over a fallen tree and gets a splinter in between her toes. She tries and tries to get it out but just ends up wedging it in deeper, driving her to tears.

She can't move much and is in a miserable state. Along comes a mouse.

"Please, Mr. Mouse, take this splinter out of my fo...

I saw saw a few nasty surgery .gifs with open-organ operation.

I don't really like surgery videos, but there's nothing I can do, totally clips of the heart.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man visits his girlfriend's parents for the first time...

He and his girlfriend's father are sitting in the living room while the girls make dinner. At the foot of the boyfriend's chair lies the family dog, Rover. After a few minutes, the young man feels the uge to fart. Unable to hold it in, he attempts to let it out silently, but it comes out audible. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Blind Man: "Please help me, everyone keeps making nasty jokes about how my disability means I'm somehow inferior to them. I'm constantly hearing thoughtless, heartless reminders about how I'm different from other people, and lacking a sense they have."

World's Worst Therapist: "I see."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are your kids twins?

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman...

I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.

Now I'm a bee-leaver.

A man noticed that his thermometer had come down with a nasty cold.

Medicine in hand, he asked the thermometer, "How are you feeling?"

The thermometer responded, "0K."

I knew a nun who used to wipe off snot with her sleeves

She had a nasty habit

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy's trying to become a great songwriter,

... wants to be an artist and all, but he needs money so he does a porno film soundtrack but only if the film is not too nasty bad. The guys tell him it's mild adult stuff, so he does it.
So when the film comes out, he decides to go see how his music works with the film. Pretty soon a guy and gir...

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. . .

"Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny.

"Nope." replied Jimmy.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?".

Again Jimmy says "Nope."

"You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny.

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - I was on vacation in Australia with my girlfriend

And we were sunbathing on a nudist beach.

All of a sudden a hornet flew down and stung her right on her special area. It immediately swelled up and turned a rather nasty colour.

I immediately rang the Australian helpline for insect stings.

"G'Day mate, what seems to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So John can't take it anymore, so abandons society and makes to the hills.

He's happy as months go by. One day, a large, gruff looking Hill-Billy type man knocks on his door. "The name is Lars" he said. "I'm having a party tonight... wanna come?"

John: "well... I've been alone for months now, I like it but I do get lonely... Sure, I'll come"

Lars: nod. "Just ...

I was going to give Trump a nasty look...

Then i realised he already had one.

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor with a nasty cut on his arm...

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor with a nasty cut on his arm. He says to the doctor, "look, I really don't want to be here. I'm deathly afraid of doctors and needles and all this stuff. Just bandage me up so I can get the hell out of here." The doctor says "Mr. Smith, this is an ugly wound, I'm afraid I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a nasty looking boil on the end of my penis. So I phoned my doctor and he asked if I could take a picture and send it to him. I mistakenly sent it to everyone in my address book!

Cost me a fortune in stamps.

Mongolian VD

A man goes to the doctor and says "I just got back from South-East Asia and I seem to have picked up something". So the doctor says "let's take a look" and the patient drops trou and his pride and joy has turned a sickly green with vibrant purple spots on.

"Oh my," says the doctor, "up to now...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to her doctor with a bit of lettuce hanging out of her pussy

Doc say's 'that looks nasty'.
She say's 'Nasty? That's just the tip of the iceberg!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trucker goes into a truck stop...

And takes a seat next to a colleague. They chat about their routes and generally shoot the breeze for a while, until a woman passes by them and goes into the bathroom.

As she comes out, the second trucker mutters "tickle your ass with a feather?"

The woman, in shock, whirls around an...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Having had seriously bad breath for most of his adult life, Larry finally goes to see a Doctor about it.

The Doctor examines Larry, takes samples of his saliva, tooth plaque and does a tongue swab. He asks Larry to return Tuesday for the test results.

Tuesday, Larry is sitting in the Doctor's office, hopeful for a cure.

"Larry", says the Doc, "Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man

A man walks into a chemist and says to the pharmacist, “I’m
entertaining 4 girls tonight so I need something to keep me
going – I don’t want to go soft on them.”
“I have just the thing here,” replies the pharmacist and he
gives the man a small bottle of pills marked “super strength”.
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's long, hard, and has cum in it?

Cucumber you nasty bastard

What do pimples and social media influencers have in common?

They both start off small, randomly grow huge, explode, then leave a nasty scar until one day we forget they were ever there.

That's all guys, bye.

hit me with your best yo momma joke. I'll go first.

Yo momma so nasty even the crabs done migrated.

Saw a man at the supermarket today who was saying the most nasty things while walking up and down the aisle, picking different kinds of breakfast-food off the shelves, shouting at the boxes and putting them back again. I asked the manager what his problem was.

Turns out the guy's a cereal offender.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a bar, orders a beer, and notices a big jar full of money behind the counter.

He asks the bartender, “Hey man, what’s that jar? I bet there’s at least one grand in there!”

“Ah, you must be new here. It’s a challenge. If you put in fifty bucks, and then succeed at three tasks, you get all the money inside the jar.”

“Really? Man, what a tourist trap! Do people act...

A joke as told by my grandpa, circa 1985. He was about 75 at the time and his dad taught this to him: Two brick layers were building a wall when they came up a brick short

Get it? A brick short!

Ok ok, most people don't get that joke. Here's a bonus joke:

A man and woman are sitting on a trolley car, she has an annoying yappy dog and he's smoking a cigar.

"Can you put out that nasty cigar?!"

"Can you make that rat shut up?"

The old ...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.