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Got a nasty shock when I picked up the wife's taser today.

Fucking expensive, those things.

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A nasty little kid and his father...

A nasty little kid and his father were walking down the street one day when the little kid sees a butterfly on the pavement and he stamps on it.

"That was\`nt a very nice thing to do. For doing that your not allowed to have any butter for a whole week as punishment", says the father.

T...

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.

JOE BIDEN:...

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I had a nasty looking boil on the end of my penis. So I phoned my doctor and he asked if I could take a picture and send it to him. I mistakenly sent it to everyone in my address book!

Cost me a fortune in stamps.

I told my doctor that I got a nasty reaction from applying the haemorrhoid cream he prescribed.

He asked where I had applied it.

I was on the bus.

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A nasty looking skinhead walks into a bar

with his nasty looking rottweiler. He sits at the bar, looks the bartender dead in the eyes and says:

- "Do you serve Jews here?"

The bartender is a bit freaked out but after a second decides to stand up for what is right:

- "Yes", he says, mustering the courage to defy this hat...

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A Nazi walks into a bar....

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a na...

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I was really into my hot teacher

One day I decided to try and flirt with her. And she was into it.

Well one thing led to another and we ended up doing the nasty.

But then her husband came home from work early and caught us in the act.

Then he beat the ever-loving crap out of me and kicked me out of his house....

So I was walking down town near the local prison...

And as I was walking down the street, I see a man with dwarfism climbing up the wall of the prison looking to escape.

He looked over at me so I waved at him. He gave me a nasty stare and scoffed at me as he began climbing down.

I said to myself "that's a little con-descending"

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Old guy at a bar

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar drinking and checking out the younger women at the establishment. As he drinks his beer, he notices a younger guy enter the bar, take a seat, and order a drink. Shortly thereafter, he walks over to a young lass, and whispers in her ear, She smiles and they leav...

Saw a man at the supermarket today who was saying the most nasty things while walking up and down the aisle, picking different kinds of breakfast-food off the shelves, shouting at the boxes and putting them back again. I asked the manager what his problem was.

Turns out the guy's a cereal offender.

I've been a beekeeper for years and when my crush said "It's me or it's those nasty insects, make up your mind", at first I didn't think she was serious.

Then I saw her face.

Now I'm a bee-leaver.

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I wake up at around 7am to hear this pounding at my door as if it’s about to cave in

So I open the door and I see this 6ft cockroach. Before I can even ask him how’s he doing he picks me up and flings me across the hallway of my house. Moving at rapid speed he’s got me in a headlock and delivers some devastating punches. I’m gutted to say I passed out from the sheer pain. Next day w...

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The Golfing Nun - and why life is never perfect.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to...

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A man got into a nasty accident

in which his penis was ripped off. At the hospital the surgeon was at wit’s end at what to do. Then he came a across a big dog whose penis he cut off and then stitched onto the man.

The man recovered and went about his daily life. One day the doctor met him and asked him about his penis. The...

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I once dated a girl named Rachel, but she turned out to be a nasty bitch. As a result, I now refuse to associate with women named Rachel

Then again, I could just be Rachel profiling

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I remember when porn genres were tame, none of that freak nasty stuff like furries, ugly bastards, vore, and other weird fetishes.

Seriously, what is the world cumming to?

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John gets pulled over on the 405 with his girlfriend in the passenger seat

John: Is there a problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone

John: No, I was only going 65 tops

John's girlfriend: Oh John, you were going 80

John gives his girlfriend a nasty look

Cop: I'm also writing you a ticket for your broken taillight
...

2 police officers where patrolling when they saw a man saying some nasty things to the sky...

and approached him:

\-Hello sir, what are you doing here? Did you take any drugs?

\-No, I swear to God

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CAN ADMINS OF THIS SUBREDDIT REDDIT DO A BETTER JOB OF MONITORING WHO IS ALLOWED IN HERE PLEASE?!

WE HAVE A NEW MEMBER, A WOMAN. SHE’S BEEN PRIVATELY MESSAGING MEMBERS, SENDING THEM NAKED PICTURES OF HERSELF IN NASTY POSES ALONG WITH CLOSE UPS OF HER UNMENTIONABLES. SHE IS OFFERING AN IPHONE X IN EXCHANGE FOR SEXUAL FAVORS. I AM ESPECIALLY BOTHERED BECAUSE IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN IPHONE SE AND OB...

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Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

A group of Americans were touring Ireland

One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable.The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Good luck will be followin' ya all your day...

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A blind man was walking down the street

A blind man was walking down the street with his dog.
They stopped at the corner to wait for the passing traffic.

The dog, at this point, started pissing on the mans leg. As the dog finished the man reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a doggie treat and started waving it at the do...

I named my dog dumpster and I've been getting pretty nasty looks when I call for him at the local dog park lately.

COME, DUMPSTER!

Stung...

A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.

"I've been stung by a nasty insect of some kind," she tells the doctor, "...but I'm ashamed to tell you where."

"It's okay," says the doctor. "Our communica...

What does a European person say when they see something nasty?

EU.

Me [45M] and my boyfriend [18M] went out. We got nasty looks, comments and derision thrown at us all day.

It really ruined our 10th anniversary.

A nasty ole gorilla walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender growls, "I don't serve gorillas here." The gorilla counters, "You better or I'm gonna do something terrible!"

Unimpressed, the bartender challenges, "Oh yeah! Like what?"

The gorilla points to a women slumped against the bar and responds, "I'm gonna go over there and eat that woman!"

The bartender howls, "Oh no you're not!"

So the gorilla lumbers over to the woman, grabs her by the ankl...

My wife keeps telling me to put down the toilet seat.

I don't know, though. It's never done anything nasty to me.

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(Overhead in a Arabic cafe- very nasty) A Tunisian, Algerian and Egyptian are arguing...

About whose the manliest out of all three. They decide to have a competition. They go to the zoo and rob three monkeys. They decide whoever gets the monkey pregnant must be the manliest man there is.

So the Tunisian shags his monkey and gets her pregnant and she gives birth to four little hum...

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Little Johnny's dad told his teacher that he has a nasty gambling habit...

and he says "Hey, Dad! I'll bet you $5 there's some dogs humping just around this corner!"
Dad considers how likely it would be, and says "You're on, kid!"
Once they get to the corner, they see the dogs going at it and Dad pays up.
So Dad calls Johnnys teacher. "Hey, my kid has this nasty g...

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Kinda long, but I couldn't get the flair to work.

An explorer gets lost in the Amazon rainforest. While searching for a way out, he stumbles upon a tribe of cannibals. They all want to eat the man, but the chief pities the man. He says to the explorer:

"Look. I know you're lost, so I'm gonna give you a chance to save your life." And with tha...

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Jung and Freud

are arguing about the fine points of psychiatry, then things got nasty.

Said Freud "You are a dick Carl!" Answered Jung "Your mama!"

I kicked a nasty habit today.

Consequently, the nun wearing it filed assault charges against me.

Mickey Mouse is in the middle of a nasty divorce from Minnie Mouse

Mickey spoke to the judge about the separation.

"I'm sorry Mickey, but I can't legally separate you two on the grounds that Minnie is mentally insane," said the judge.

Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was mentally insane, I said that she's f*cking Goofy!"

A rabbi, a priest and a minister want to see who is best at their job...

So they decide to go out into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. A few days later, the the priest and the minister bump into each other at the hospital, where each person is being treated for their particular injuries. They then tell each other about their experience.

The prie...

Don't Open The Door

The doorbell rings at Pete's place. When he opens the door, there's a large beetle standing in front of him.
The beetle pushes Peter so hard he falls and hits his head, requiring a trip to the hospital.
When Peter explains what happened to the Doctor, she says, "Ah, I'm not surprised, you'r...

A grandfather is hanging out with his grandson.

He says to his grandson, "Hey Johnny, please fetch me the cup of medicine and the cup of soda over there." Grandson says, "Sure, gramps, but why the soda?" Grandpa says, "I mix 'em together so that the medicine doesn't taste so nasty." Johnny says, "Oh, good idea", and starts to pour the cup of medi...

Bill is infatuated with his own farts.

Bill and Mary have been married for a long time.

Bill is infatuated with his own farts. Mary is not, but she tolerates it.

Every morning, as Bill climbs out of bed, he rips an obnoxious fart as he heads to the bathroom.

And every morning Mary tells Bill, “one of these days you’r...

I wanted to join the #trashbag movement and pick up a nasty bag of trash,

but the presidential secret service wouldn't let me anywhere near him.

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They are a bunch of royal bitches!

I ran into a man at a pub near Buckingham palace. I watched in amazement, as he pounded down pint after pint, so I decided I would find out more about him.

I sat down next to him, and I offered to buy him the next pint. He agreed, and I took the opportunity to ask him why he was drinking so h...

A redneck suffered a nasty fall...

So he visited a physician and sought treatment.

“Apply this ointment to the area where injury was sustained,” the doctor said.

The redneck happily left the clinic and proceeded to liberally apply ointment on the sidewalk where he fell.

YO momma so nasty...

She pours salt water down her pants to keep the crabs fresh.

Another old Soviet joke

Three prisoners are standing in the yard at a Siberian work camp.

The first says to the second, "What are you in here for?" and the second one replies "I said something nasty about Comrade Popov in 1937. What about you?"

The first prisoner says, "I said something nice about Comrade Pop...

I used to get a nasty electric shock every time I touched something metallic.

But thankfully I’m cured.

I’m ex-static!

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Boris Johnson dies...

His soul arrives in heaven and he is met by St.Peter at the Pearly Gates. Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there's a problem: We seldom see a Conservative here and we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in; I'm a believer," says Johnso...

I finally managed to get rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying.

I’m ex-static!

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Yo mama so nasty,

She had to cut the string off her tampon so the crabs stop hanging themselves.

The bird flu is pretty nasty

Luckily, it's tweetable.

Never buy your hard drugs from the Roto-Rooter guy...

Plumber's crack is nasty

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A deaf and mute orphan in a small village...

...is found pregnant. The villagers cannot find any way to get the poor girl to help them find out what happened. As the girl is due to give birth, a nasty rumor begins to circulate among the folk: the preacher is to blame.

The preacher does not expect the villagers to care much for the vile ...

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Jack and Jill have been married for forty years

And every morning jack wakes up, has a stretch and forces out the biggest fart you've ever heard. Every morning his wife Jill would tell him he is disgusting and tell him that one day he's gonna push so hard his guts will fall out to which he would reply better out than in my love.

After so...

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My girlfriend came out with a...

... nasty rash where I ejaculated on her.

Apparently she has a nut allergy.

My buddy is a doctor. When he got a nasty cut, he insisted he'd be able to do his own stitches.

I said, "Fine, suture self."

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Are your kids twins?

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman...

The nasty parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing...

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What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?

Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
$3.99 a minute

A salesman flies to Vegas for a convention.

He’s driving down the strip when he sees a hooker who tells him, “Yoo Hoo! I’m selling!” They strike a bargain and do the big nasty.

When he returns home, he discovers he’s contracted gonorrhea. He’s on medication for the rest of the year. But the convention rolls around again and he flies ba...

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Cannibals are nasty

3 friends are captured by cannibals.

Each one of of them are given a last wish before they are killed.
The first guy asks for a smoking hot blonde. He has his way with her. As soon as his done, his skinned alive and killed. They use the skin to make the covering of a canoe. The other two...

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Nasty Grandpa with 5 year old kid

A five year old boy and his grandfather are sitting on the front porch together, when grandpa pulls a beer out of a cooler. the little boy asked, "Grandpa, can I have a beer?" Grandpa replied, "Can your dick touch your ass?" The little boy answered no. Grandpa said "Then you're not man enough to hav...

I saw saw a few nasty surgery .gifs with open-organ operation.

I don't really like surgery videos, but there's nothing I can do, totally clips of the heart.

So Barack Obama and Donald Trump somehow ended up at the same barber shop...

As they sat there, each being worked on by a different barber, not a word was spoken. The barbers were both afraid to start a conversation, for fear that it would turn nasty. As the barbers finished their shaves in silence, the one who had Trump in his chair reached for the aftershave. But Donald wa...

Have you heard of the redneck covid test?

Get in your pickup truck with your family, rip a nasty fart.

If no one rolls down the windows... quarantine for two weeks.

I saw a really nasty wreck on the way to work this morning...

...wish I had had time to pick her up.

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A man gets a new job.

On his first day, the boss gives him the basic description of his duties, and he says, "No problem, boss. I know just what to do."

And sure enough, he does. The boss is amazed to see that he intuitively knows every process, where everything goes, how everything works, what everyone does.
<...

A woman gets a nasty cut...

... it's very deep and there's blood everywhere so she calls the emergency services. "Hello I've cut myself can i please speak to a doctor?" "Hi I'm a doctor, may I ask what your name is?"
"Maggie Smith"
"And when where you born?" Asked the doctor.
"17th of Apr...

2 thirteen year olds competing

against each other about who has the longest memory.

1st boy said: I remember when I was about 2 years, I almost died from a nasty dog bite.

2nd boy said: That's nothing, I can remember before I was born. I went to the park with my dad and came home with my mum.

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Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting

She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before.

She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early.

The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was na...

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor with a nasty cut on his arm...

Mr. Smith goes to the doctor with a nasty cut on his arm. He says to the doctor, "look, I really don't want to be here. I'm deathly afraid of doctors and needles and all this stuff. Just bandage me up so I can get the hell out of here." The doctor says "Mr. Smith, this is an ugly wound, I'm afraid I...

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There's a lot of nasty jobs out there

Butt plumbers have seen some shit.

Your breath is so nasty....

That people look forward to your farts

Why does Piglett smell nasty?

He plays with Pooh.

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I heard a knock at the door this morning, and when I answered it, a 6ft tall cockroach-looking thing was standing there, clearly very angry. He called me a prick and then punched me right in the face!

Apparently theres a nasty bug going around

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The adventures of Bob and Frank... (real horrible OC)

Two friends Bob and Frank are lost in the jungle when they run into a group of blood thirsty cannibals.

They are surrounded by dozens of the fierce blood thirsty warriors armed with clubs and spears. The leader of the warriors approaches the two friends and informs them they are trespassing o...

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One day little Billy's teacher told him to ask his parents what the government is

\--Dad, can you tell me about the government

\--Well, think of it like this, I'm the president, your mom is congress, the maid is the working force, you are the people and.... your little brother is the future.

\--I don't get it

Dad sent Billy to sleep telling him that he'll kno...

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Always get a second opinion.

A guy started getting horrible migraines in his late teens. He went to the doctor who told him he has a rare testicular disorder that was restricting blood flow to his brain, resulting in the blinding headaches. Unfortunately, “the only way to be rid of them is to remove your testicles.”

“Who...

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The creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,

Using a knife,he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,

With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and t...

The Dog Fight

The Israeli Dog vs. The Arab Dog

  
The Israelis and Arabs realized that, if they continued fighting, they would someday end up destroying the whole world. So they decided to settle their dispute with an ancient practice: a duel of two, like David and Goliath. This "duel" would be a dog fi...

A man travelling across Europe catches a nasty cold

While resting at a hotel in Madrid, a man realizes hes sick and needs to go to the hospital. He quickly walks to the hotel's check-in desk and asks where the nearest hospital is, as he didnt really know what to call or where to go.

The hotel clerk says to the man: "No worries, sir. We shall ...

I was going to give Trump a nasty look...

Then i realised he already had one.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with the wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very Truely Yours,
Acme Costume Co

The man thinks this is terrilbe because they have just emphasized his wooden leg an...

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A Story from the Old West

Scene: The old west, in a Saloon, somewhere in Dodge City or Tombstone, AZ or the like....


A old man bursts through the doors and starts shouting "Everybody, y'all better clear out o' here.  Big John's a comin' to town!!!"


Everyone in the saloon jumps up knocking over table...

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A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a hot nun.

Enamored with her, he asks if he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus.

The man goes to the bus driver and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.

"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to ...

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I guy goes to the doctor with a piece of lettuce sticking out of his anus.

The doctor, obviously disgusted, takes a look and says "ugh, that's nasty".
To which the man responds, " Nasty? Doc, that's just the tip of the iceberg"

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A young couple that tragically died in a car crash before they could get married meets up in heaven.

As they are walking one day silently discussing something, God happens to be walking by and overhears their whispers.

God: My children, why do I hear two young people in love quarreling, what could be the problem?

Guy: Well we were actually just on our way to you and we were arguing ab...

Your fetishes are nothing to be ashamed about.

Unless your fetish is being humiliated, then you should be very ashamed, you nasty little pervert.

Mother-in-law

We were vacationing on the east coast at a little seaside cottage and my mother-in-law went missing. I went to the police station and told the constable about the situation and he assured me they would search for her. A few days went by and the constable knocked on the cottage door.
We found you...

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A LONG ONE( but worth it): One wet, cold morning...

A bus driver was just starting along his route. It was still dark and raining and the temperature hovered just above freezing.

As he approached the first stop on his route he could see some poor soul laying on the bench. He stopped the bus, opened the doors and called out to the soaking wet p...

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