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Creepy Jokes

What's the similarity between Santa Claus and a creepy stalker

He sees you when you're sleeping, he knows when you're awake

What does a creepy pokemon do while you're in the shower?

Pikachu

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A creepy van pulls up to playground.

A sleazy, balding man exits and eyes the playground. He spots Little Billy playing in the sandbox. The man approaches Billy and says "Hey little boy I'll give you a whole bag of candy if you come inside my van"
Little Billy looked up and replied "Shit mister for a bag of candy I'll come in your m...

My girlfriend thinks I'm creepy.

Well, she's not my girlfriend yet

My dog has a creepy obsession with trees

All he ever does is talk about their skin

What do creepy men and spiders have in common?

They both have sticky hands after being on the web for awhile.

I was driving with my dad when we passed a cemetery. My dad goes in a low, dark, creepy voice, "I know something about this cemetery that you don’t.” And I was like what is it? He continued, "The people living in this town can’t be buried here.” I was really confused so I asked why?

He rasped, "Cuz they’re still alive!"

Guess what I found in the creepy old professors closet

Narnia business

Why did the creepy hipster get arrested?

because he was following people before instagram

Creepy Chat Up Line

Guy: Is your Father in prison?

Girl: Because he stole the stars from the sky and put them in my eyes?

Guy: No, because if I was your Father I'd be in prison.

My mommy used to warn me that there could be creepy people on the internet. But I'm not afraid anymore...

Now that I'm on reddit I'm one of those people.

I find it creepy when my wife gives me those sad puppy dog eyes

It makes me wonder what she did the rest of the dog.

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A creepy joke, but still fun

So one night I was driving home from work. It was really late out. As I drove, I saw an old woman. She looked like she was having trouble walking, so I thought "If anything happens, I can handle it." So I pulled over and offered her a ride. She looked at me for a moment and then decided to get in. O...

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I was blessed with a 10 inch penis when I was 12 years old...

...I really hope that creepy-ass priest is still in jail.

French people are very creepy

They give me the crepe's

When I heard Justin Bieber has Lyme disease, I almost felt sorry for the annoying, creepy little parasite.

Can't say the same about Bieber though.

I worked in one of those creepy ice cream vans over Memorial Day weekend, and I must say, they really do work. I raked in the Benjamins.

Also got a couple Jacobs and Timothys as well.

Man this rorschach guy is really creepy

He keeps drawing pictures of my parents arguing

Why are forests so creepy?

Because the trees are all shady.

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My wife has the body of a porn star...

..which is kind of creepy and takes up a lot of room in the fridge.

Two men in a park.

A creepy guy walks up to another man in a park. Creepy guy leans close to the man and whispers "do you have any naked photos of your wife?" The man angrily says "certainly not". Creepy guy says "would you like to buy some?"

A duck walks into a PC repair store...(long)

Just an ordinary day in life, without any sense for anything being unusual about its presence there, the duck waddles up to the counter, looks at the clerk and asks:
(duck) do you have breead?
(clerk) uh... No. This is a PC repair shop. We don't sell bread.
Dejected, the duck waddles back...

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What do you call a creepy old guy who hangs out at malls, and has sex with under age teens?

In Alabama, your Honor, but soon it will be "Senator".

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Johnny finally makes it to college...

On the first day his psych professor begins a perception exercise by telling the students to close their eyes and feel around for an object, then describe the object and tell her what it is.

First she calls on Kyle who says "I feel something big round and bumpy. It's a globe!"

The p...

What do you call creepy wind chimes?

Stranger Tings

There's iPod, iMac, iPhone...

and Apple watch, because iWatch sounds way too creepy.

How do creepy songwriters get paid?

Per verse

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What do you call a disabled paedophile?

A creepy crawler

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I always read r/creepy when i poop

It scares the shit outa me...

A young woman works alone for the first time late in the evening in a tall building, and her office phone rings unexpectedly.

She doesn't recognize the number but answers, thinking it may be her boss. Instead, a creepy sounding man speaks just two short sentences.

"I'm the viper. I'll be up soon."

He ends the call before she can respond. She shrugs and figures it's just kids messing around. A few minutes late...

Did you hear the urban legend about the creepy ghost that appears when you use artificial sweetener?

He's called Splendaman.

I used to love building sandcastles with my grandma

But my parent's eventually found it creepy and glued the urn shut

"Barely legal".

Because "almost underage" sounds a bit creepy.

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Yesterday my GF seemed very nervous about giving me head...

..and instead was wildly smacking and hitting my thighs and lower stomach.
She seemed to be beating around the bush.

People always say I should be lucky to be able to live off workers comp, but it cost me an arm and a leg!

I was out of town for a couple weeks and I decided letting m...

If I'm good at lip reading correctly...

Then my neighbours are calling the police about some creepy guy staring at them through the window next door.

"This macaroni keeps sliding around my kitchen counter by itself, and I keep finding it at the foot of my bed at night", my brother told me.

"Man, this is some creepy pasta" I replied.

A dark turn

Two criminals are taking a walk deep in the woods one dark night.
“Boy, it sure is creepy out here,” says the first outlaw.
“How do you think I feel?” asks his companion. “I have to walk back alone.”

I told my girlfriend to stop pretending to be 13 because it's creepy and pointless

She'll be thirteen next month anyways

What do you call it when an incel threatens to kill himself when someone doesn't respond to his desperate and creepy messages?

Fake noose.

A father and his son are walking deep in the woods at night with a lantern and a shovel.

The son says, "Dad, it's creepy out here, I'm scared".

The father replies, "You're scared? I'm the one who has to walk back alone!"

Nine years ago I asked the girl of my dreams on a first date.

Today I finally asked her to marry me. She said “no you creepy weirdo”, both times.

I miss Halloween

I can no longer take free candy from creepy strangers.

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You're lucky it wasn't the black horse!

About a month ago I was driving to my mothers house late on a Friday evening. It was pitch black, so I had the lights on high beam, and I was driving along a country road when all of a sudden my engine cut out. So I pulled over and got out to have a look - sometimes I can fix it myself. It was very ...

I walked into a Victoria's Secret a man and came out a knight.

From this day forward I shall be known as Sir- please leave you're being creepy.

Xi's like the creepy stalker ex to every Chinese.

When you make comments on him, cross your fingers not to be found.

What is it about tall creepy louisiana swamp dwellers that makes them naturally glow?

Their bayou loomin' essence

what do a Womans Dress and a Womans Adress have in common?

if you look up either one without consent it's Inappropriate creepy And not recommended by any means.

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Elsa was complaining to her friend about a boy from their class.

“He’s pretty creepy. He knows so many dirty songs!”, she said.

“And he sings them around you?”, her friend asked.

“No, but he whistles them.”

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11 Reasons To Go To Work Naked

1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.
3. Inventive way to finally meet that hunk in Human Resources.
4. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
5. To stop tho...

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So my mate was welding the other day

While grinding off his work to admire his craftsmanship, a piece of metal flew into his eye.

Score 1 for wearing safety glasses.

Anyway, he complained he couldn't see, so we packed him off down to the hospital.

After an X-ray and scan the doctor comes in and says "You have Creep...

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My roommate was going out on a blind date so I told her about this phone app for her own safety.

I said: "It's called *Mum! Are you OK?* and what is does is, it puts a button on your display which you can press and then a couple of minutes later your phone will ring and the display will say MUM. So if you get there and your date looks a bit creepy you just touch the button, put your phone away,...

You know what’s scary?

That creepy psycho killer behind you

So I was pinching one at a highway restaurant toilet

There I sat, reading a magazine, minding my own business. A couple of minutes later comes this other dude and enters the next cubicle. I stay silent, hearing him unzip, taking his pants off, shuffling around, sitting down and starting his thing.

A minute later, I hear him say "Hey, what's up?...

If Bill Cosby is America's dad...

Does that make him Canada's creepy uncle?

A middle-aged man and little boy are walking through the forest at night

The little boy turns to the man, and says

"Mister, this is creepy! I'm afraid!"

The man looks at him and laughs.

"You're afraid? I have to come back through here alone!"

My creepy uncle constantly watches me, and he keeps telling me what I can and can't do.

His name is Sam.

Idk if this is a repost but here goes

A psychiatrist is talking to one of his most difficult patients. "Let's go back to what you said last time, about how all of your troubles began, what was it, a year ago?"

"Sure thing, Doc. Well, as I said, I had gotten into the Airbnb scene at the time, and I had a couple of, "tenants", as i...

Dance like no one's watching!

Just be careful of the creepy guy in the corner with the video camera who hasn't moved all night who wants the make you famous on YouTube.

I walked into the men's restroom at a police station.

As I walked in, a creepy guy rushed over to me and pulled me close. He told me he would give me "Candy" in exchange for my pee. I assumed he had to pass a test or something.

I told him, "Well, it's your lucky day, I came into this restroom to pee!"

He smiled and told me, "Urine for a t...

Raggedy beards

When I was a kid, the only people with long, raggedy beards were the creepy guys outside my school that offered me free candy. Now that they’re in style, I don’t know who to get my free candy from anymore.

What would you call an insect version of a furry?

Creepy

A clown and another guy are walking through the forest at night.

The guy says to the clown "Man, this forest is really creepy at night". The clown says "No kidding, and I have to walk all the way back by myself."

New York City is the archnemises of Introverts

It always seems like it's a creepy introvert that wants to destroy the largest American city.


After 9/11, even Osama Bin Laden escaped to a cave and then a Pakistani stronghold to have his alone time and recharge.


But like any good friendship, that introvert has that one ex...

A man goes on an overnight business trip, and hires a babysitter to watch his two kids. It's an easy job with good pay, but she's creeped out by the life-sized clown statue he has in his den.

That night, the man calls to see how things are going.

The babysitter says: "Everything's great, the kids have been wonderful. But I had to throw my coat over that clown statue in your den. No offense but it's really creepy."

Horrified, the man replies: "*What?! I don't have a den! Gra...

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A young man, named Jeff, recently joined a marketing company

And he was doing kind of well. His ads were always slightly overperforming in contrast to many others who had "hit or miss" situations, but his good work were completely by John Avoh, who knocked it out of the park constantly, receiving praise, companies asking for him personally and so on and so fo...

Freud, Darwin and the Pope walked into a bar.

Sitting on the counter is a weird, creepy statue. As they walk in, it's eyes seem to follow them.
They approach the bar, and to their shock the statue speaks. "Enjoy your beverages, mortals."

The three are stunned for a moment.
Darwin recovers first.
"This obviously is a product of ...

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A Musician Walks Into a Porn Movie Showing At a Theatre

He's sitting there, waiting for the movie to start when a couple comes in sits down in front of him.
Not wanting to seem like some creepy incel he leans forward & says;
"I did the music for this film & wanted to hear how it sounded in a theatre"

The woman turns around &...

An Old man and young boy walk into the woods...

... The young boy looks up to the old man and says "Gee Mister these woods sure are creepy!" The old man looks down and says "You're telling me! I have to go out of here alone!"

Beware the viper

A man arrives home and checks his messages. He got one by someone with a creepy sounding voice, saying, “This is the viper. Tomorrow I am coming to your house!” The man is pretty frightened by this. Who is this Viper; a serial killer? A prank caller?

The man hopes it’s a prank call and...

Double standards are not fair!

When miley cirus gets naked and licks hammers its beautiful and artistic, but when I do it its weird, creepy and I get a life time ban from Ikea.

A young man was walking his date home ...

when they passed by a graveyard. The dusk was settling in and as the shadows were creeping, she locked her arm in his. He turned and asked, "A bit eerie isn't it?"

"Yes, isn't it."

As his hand slides around her waist, he asks, "Getting creepy isn't it?"

She says, "Yes isn't it...

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I've been dumped by my girlfriend...

She found me creepy as I always had to have a name for my penis, oh well, guess I'll have to take Matters into my own hands now.

I got a buddy who’s a serial killer.

He’s one of those that likes to kill folks and use their skin as clothes. Obviously a real creepy guy, but he’s also exhausting to be around. So, I stopped hanging out with him once he started to wear me out.

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My grandfather used to run marathons.

Every year while he was in his 20's and 30's, he'd go and participate in the local run. There was a guy who showed up every year, didn't even live in the town. Bit creepy, to be honest, but an alright guy. Anyway, he'd walk up to my grandfather, every year, in these same green sunglasses. He'd tell ...

Ted Bundy was out one day having a lovely stroll with a lady friend.

They were walking through a gorgeous, secluded forest. After walking a while the sun was setting and it began to get dark.

The young lady turned to Ted and said, 'It's starting to look creepy here, I'm scared'.

Ted looked at her astonished and replied 'You're scared? How do you think ...

I've been watching my new neighbor through the blinds now for over a week.

He's so creepy.

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Mum used to tell me that having one testicle does not make someone a freak.

I still say it's creepy, and she should have it removed.

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Paedophile in a van...

A paedophile in a van creeps up to a 7 y/o boy walking home from school, the creepy man yells out "hey little buddy, ill give you this whole bag of candy if you come in my van !" As he holds up said candy. The little boy then replies "Mister, for a whole bag of candy ill cum on your face"

FUN AT THE PARK

Ordinarily, staring is creepy. But if you spread your attention across many individuals, then it's just people watching.

So I just texted my crush...

So I just texted my crush.

Even after all these years, she thought I was really creepy.

Now, I don't know what to do.

Dear god, can I please go back in time and undo my actions.

Never will I do anything like that again.

Usually, she likes to joke about things,...

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An American couple is looking to adopt a child...

and for whatever reason, they find themselves in an orphanage in Germany. There is this little German boy they really liked to adopt, and they decide to ask the nun if they can adopt him.

"You want to adopt little Volker?" the nun asks.

"Yes, of course. Why, is something wrong with Vol...

Bob passes on to the next life and is starting to get bored on his own when good ol Patrick shows up at his grave

After a long introduction Patrick is about to leave "Bob, it's nice to have you join in. I am in the grave next to yours if you need anything"

"Well there actually is something" says Bob "I don't know what I will do now that I am dead"

Patrick: "What did you do in your previous life to...

Variants for running.

Variants for running:-

1. Hot girl in front of you.
2. Creepy guy behind you.

(If 1 applies to you, you're probably 2)

Why was the haunted mansion self conscious?

Because it got a lot of creepy stairs.

FML.

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Said this at dinner last night.

Bit creepy, but laughs were had.

"He may die a virgin but he ain't gonna be buried one."

I have such bad luck getting a girl to come over...

I watched the video from "The Ring" and the creepy chick called seven days later and said something came up and she couldn't make it.

I've made the front page 5 times!

The girls on /r/creepyPMs are really mean and don't understand the P means Private.

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The telephone rings in quiet suburban British home...

A woman answers "Hello" immediately she hears heavy breathing and fapping sounds. Then a mans voice says in a low creepy gravel tone " Uughhhh I bet you have a fat...hairy...smelly....CUNT!?"

To which she cheerfully replies "Yes! He's just watching telly now. Would you like to speak with him...

One time, the parents went out to dinner.

The sitter called and asked if she could cover the creepy clown statue in the kid's room.
The dad said: "Get out of the house. Call the police. We don't have a clown statue!"
By the time police arrived the scene, they found they did have a clown statue and the dad had alzheimer's.

A guy walks into a bar...

A guy walks into a bar and notices that the place is mostly empty. Except for one end of the bar, that is. And there he sees a group of women standing around. All kinds of women - beautiful women, plain-looking women, shapely, skinny, fat, short, tall, blondes, brunettes - just about everything. ...

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