UPJOKE
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Best incest joke? It's actually pretty hilarious, but I won't tell you.

We keep it in the family

I’ve only got 1% left on my battery, but I wanted to share this hilarious joke real quick!

Knock

You know what would be a hilarious prank?

Make people study for 18 years and dont give them a job.

A guy walks into a Starbucks and says to the barista “If I make you laugh, I get free coffee.”

The barista, feeling generous, says “Sure, if you make me laugh, your coffee’s on me!”

The guy says “Ok, this one’s hilarious: What did Timmy want for his birthday?”

The barista says “I don’t know, what did he want?”

“Parents.”

There was dead silence from the barista.
...

Yo mama so fat it's hilarious

I'm not laughing but the floor is cracking up

Jokes about Jim Jones are hilarious

But always have the worst punchlines.

Stupid but I think it’s Hilarious

How does a momma bumble bee feed her baby?

I just farted on my wallet

Now I have Gas Money!

*Told to me by my 9 year old daughter, who thought it's hilarious! (I agree lol)

I, for one, think it’d be hilarious if there were female pirates.

Wooden-tit?

I had a hilarious joke about how a forklift implies the existence of a spoonlift.

Then I realized that's just a catapult.

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What do Tetris and sex have in common?

There’s no winning, it’s just about how long you last


Edit: stop saying I obviously don’t have sex. We’re on reddit. Isn’t that obvious by now?
Also ty to all the absolutely hilarious comment, y’all have made my day

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A Muslim and a Christian get into a fight.

Christian: ever seen a cross? I’m gonna shove one up your ass.
Muslim: oh yeah?? Shove the five daily prayers up your ass.
Christian: WTF are the five daily prayers?
Muslim: they’re a pillar of Islam.

(hope it translates well, It’s more hilarious in Farsi)

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Wife has a sense of humor!

I asked my wife why did she marry me.

Wife: "Because you are funny."

Me: "I thought it was because I was good in bed?"

Wife: "You see? You're hilarious."

My 9 year old told me this one. What is the difference between girl spaghetti and boy spaghetti?

Meatballs.

She's so petite and delicate so it was perfectly hilarious.

I wanted to share this hilariously awful Polish joke with you, but...

I can't seem to find it on the PlayStation Store anymore.

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One of the British national daily newspapers was asking readers: "What it means to be British?".

Some of the emails were hilarious but this one from a Swiss was a winner.
 
"Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for
a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a
Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on a Swedish furniture and watch
Americ...

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

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A Greek man goes to a Chinese restaurant, and orders fried rice.

A Greek man goes to a Chinese restaurant, and orders fried rice.
The waiter, who is smiling, nods and says “Ah, yes, flied lice.”

The Greek man thought this was hilarious and he ordered fried rice whenever he came in just to hear the waiter say, “flied lice”. He would always laugh loudly ...

Chiropractors are hilarious.

They crack me up.

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I used to think that clowns doing the 1930’s cream pie gag was hilarious

Until I realized that I too have also been creampied by clowns

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What do you call a sea Captain's hilarious fictional book about bellybuttons?

*A novel naval navel novel.*

Edit: I'm so sorry. I had to exorcise this shitty joke out of my head before it drove me insane.

What do you call a hilarious mushroom

A fungi

Last time I traveled abroad airport security made a hilarious joke about my passport

I mean I had to hand it to them

Incest jokes are hilarious

Especially when everyone in the family gets in on it.

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Gay people find everything hilarious

They just don't seem to be able to keep a straight face

My friends and I have a lot of fun riding jet skis That time we had a fatal crash on the coast was especially hilarious.

We littorally died.

My mom thinks I'm hilarious, so

I'm just posting this here to finally prove that woman wrong.

The most hilarious Yo Mama Jokes, Let's do it guys!

Three from my side:

Your Mama So Fat,

when she step on the Weight Scales it says...'to be continued'...

she once went on a seafood diet...whenever she saw food she ate it!

folk exercise by jogging around her!

Vietnam veteran's hilarious true story

A bunch of US soldiers were marching across a field. One of the guys says to his buddy, "Hey, do you see where we are?" He looks around and realizes they are walking through a massive field of marijuana. The soldiers started breaking off plants and stuffing them into their clothes and their helmets,...

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7 hilarious jokes

A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, ‘This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for £300 as long as you can say it in three words.’ The guy replies, ‘Hey, why not?’ He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays £300 on the bar, and says ...

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Dave (I repost this because its hilarious)

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave ...

What did the French cowboy say when he heard a hilarious joke?

Oui Ha!

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Newby Salesperson (Long joke)

NOTE: My husband thinks this joke is sexist, but I think it's hilarious.

A young man desperately needed a good paying job, so he applied as a salesperson for a large, everything-under-one-roof store.

The manager, seeing how young the man was, was doubtful he could sell anything, but th...

Hilarious Job Interview Answer

**Interviewer :** Why did you leave your last job ..?
**Guy :** The company shifted the office and didn't tell me where it is....

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And it was fucking hilarious!

I once made a time travel joke.

I was going to post a witty, hilarious and intelligent joke about time traveling

But you guys didn’t like it

My friend told me everytime he goes to this sub he finds new hilarious jokes

I was surprised at first, but then I remembered he has a short-term memory.

Trying to think of a hilarious Good Friday joke...

I really want to nail this.

I need your hilarious minds.

Help me come up with a funny thing to dress up as for a party that’s themed “be my date on this date”. AKA, dress up as a day of the year or holiday. Fave idea so far is going as a box for boxing day.

I wanted to tell a depressing, sad joke that was hilarious

So I phoned up Trump and said "that was hilarious"

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Poor Nimbad.

Has to travel 6 miles every day for fresh

water on a bike with no wheels and no seat.

Send us just £2 a month,

and we will send you the DVD. It's fucking hilarious.

I heard a hilarious joke about this procrastinator

But I don't feel like telling you guys about it yet.

What horror movie would Shakespeare find hilarious?

The Thing

I came up with a hilarious joke about fermat

But the margin was too small to contain it

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I've been giving my friends t shirts with photos of them printed on it for their birthdays.

Half of them think it's hilarious, and half of them tell me how the fuck did I get this picture of them sleeping.

My friend told me this hilarious joke about Parkinson's last night

But I don't want to tell it because I'm a little shaky on the details.

what's the most hilarious thing a spoiled brat might say?

No I'm not

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[NSFW] A guy walks into a bar (Warning, very long but VERY hilarious joke) It's my favorite one to tell.

He asks the bartender for a rum and coke and the bartender gives him an apple. The man is confused at first, but the bartender says "trust me, take a bite". The man takes a bite and proclaims, "Oh my god, this tastes like rum!" The bartender responds, "Now turn it around and take another bite." Th...

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I had a student named Miles in my 5th grade class who moved to JAPAN. Had to change his name to Kilometers.

Slight adjustment to an originally hilarious joke that was shunned on a technicality. #IwasOnlyJoking

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Can you spare just $2.00?

Ranji is a 9 year old boy living in Namibia. He has only one leg, one arm and one eye. Each day he rides 7 miles to school along a narrow road on a rusty bike with bent wheels, no brakes and only 1 pedal. If you send us just $2, we will send you the video - it's fucking hilarious!

A handsome man went into a hotel and asked to see the boss. When the boss came, the story began.

\-Client: is room 39 empty?

\-Boss: yes, sir.

\-Client: can I book it?

\-Boss: of course you can.

\-Client: thank you.

Before going to the room, the client asked the boss to provide him with a black knife, a white thread 39 cm and an orange 73g. The boss agr...

The description is hilarious!

The title is deeply misinformed.

*GRANDMA IN COURT..* Brilliantly Hilarious:

Lawyers should never ask grandmas a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer!

In a trial, a small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand.

He approached her and asked; _"Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"_

She responded, _"Why, ye...

Sharing a meal is hilarious.

You'll be splitting your sides.

What did the orange say to the door?

Mind if I squeeze in?

Written by my 4 year old daughter and I think it is hilarious.

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Uncle Eddy, Grandmaster of Great Jokes and Hilarious Comebacks

Little Jimmy was walking down the road, kicking the dust, when suddenly he found two circus tickets. He runs home to his father and says: "Daddy! Daddy! I have found two tickets to the circus! Will you come to the circus with me?"

"I'm sorry son, but your mother is sick, I'm taking care of he...

Hilarious

A Man Ordered for a voice automated Robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, He was home and his wife told him to tell the car t...

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A young painter once had an old ladder

The ladder was one he’d found in a dumpster a few years before and, since he was poor and needed a ladder, he snatched it up and considered himself lucky. Over time, as he used the ladder on large murals, it would invariably be off-kilter, would not sit flush to the wall, or a rung would slip and ro...

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Fucked up but hilarious.

Pa is sitting on the couch when daughter walks in. Daughter asks Pa, "Pa can I have the car tonight?" Pa shrugs and says only if you suck my dick. Daughter agrees and gets on her knees and starts perform said task. Little way through, Daughter looks up and says, "Daddy, your dick tastes like poop." ...

Its hilariously ironic that the first gold medal won was by the U.S...

For Shooting

Trump jokes are hilarious...

Until you realize they're not jokes.

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