I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I walked in from work today and my wife was sitting on the sofa with my girlfriend.

I said, “What’s going on?”

“You tell me?” replied my wife.

I said, “I don’t know, you’re sitting on the sofa with a stranger.”

“A stranger, hey?” shouted my girlfriend, “I’m no stranger, we’ve been having sex for six months!”

I looked at my wife and said, “Is this true?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Yesterday I paid a stranger to knock me unconscious, shove a foreign object up my ass and film the whole thing.

Or as my doctor insists on calling it, a colonoscopy

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.

When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefuln...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two strangers, a man and a woman, are sharing a sleeper cab on an overnight train

At around midnight, as they are both trying to fall asleep, the man says to the woman:

"Excuse me ma'am, but it's really cold, would you mind passing me one of the extra blankets on the table beside you?"

The woman answers:

"I'll tell you what, I'm also feeling really cold, for ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you know that if you hold your ear up to a stranger's leg

You can actually hear them say "what the fuck are you doing?"

The boys on Stranger Things must be fans of Spinal Tap

Considering they are all probably cranking it to Eleven

Hey kids, what are you supposed to say if a stranger offers you drugs?

You say "thank you," because drugs are expensive.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Do you give blowjobs to strangers?

No? Then allow me to introduce myself.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A pirate meets a stranger one day, and is very curious about the pirate's injuries.

The stranger looks down at the pirate's legs, and asks, "Say, why do you have a wooden leg?"

The pirate replies, "Ya see, we we're fightin' some other ship down yonder and a canonball from the enemies struck my leg and wiped it clean off!"

The stranger was interested, and noticed the p...

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A redneck and an annoying stranger are sitting next to each other on a 12 hour plane ride...

The stranger is pretty well dressed and, after a few drinks becomes very loud and disruptive. He starts boasting that hes the smartest man on the plane. After a few minutes of unsuccessfully trying to get people to engage with him, a stewardess tells the stranger he needs to be quiet and stop distur...

My 35 year old friend and his 22 year old girlfriend had their meal out completely ruined by strangers judging them for their age gap.

It completely ruined their 10 year anniversary.

How do you kill an introvert?

You put a stranger in his kitchen to starve him to death.

Is anyone else seeing a stranger in their mirror

Or is it just me?

A king held a contest for all the men in the kingdom and the winner would get his beautiful daughter as his bride.

However, he didn't say what type of contest it was but his daughter's beauty drew many brave contestants.

Once gathered in his castle, he revealed a large moat filled with an assortment of beasts.

"The first man to cross the moat will inherit all my riches as well as my daughter. Who a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A farmer goes to the local farmer's market to try and sell his bull. A stranger comes up to him to inquire about the animal.

Stranger: Is your bull good at breeding?

Farmer: Of course he's good. Shit, he's even too good! He tries to mount every single cow, horses, donkeys, sheeps, etc. There's not an animal on that farm he hasn't tried to fuck yet.

Stranger: Then why are you selling him?

Farmer: Becau...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

2 Irish strangers sitting at the bar....

After a beer one Irish man points out the window to the other and says, "you see that bridge laddy? I BUILT that BRIDGE with me bare hands! But do they call me McGregor the BRIDGE BUILDER? No..

​

After 2 beers the Irish man points out the window again and says, "you see that...

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf. They're on the fifth green, the old guy is lining up a putt, when they notice a funeral procession passing by the course.

The man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself...

Whenever a stranger in public calls my daughter “princess...”

I order them to bow before me, for I am apparently their King.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

According to scientists, if you place your head on a strangers thigh

You will hear "What the fuck are you doing, get out, you pervert"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman was cheating on her husband. Her son is curious what her mom and that stranger are doing so he hides in the wardrobe.

Suddenly the husband comes home. She doesn't know her son is already hiding in the wardrobe when she sends her lover in there.

Son: "Dark in here, huh?"

Lover: "Ye"

Son: "I got a baseball bat"

Lover: "So?"

Son: "You're going to buy it for 250$ or I'm going to blow...

Guy yells to a stranger across the river

"I need to get to the other side".

Stranger yells back, "You are on the other side".

Stranger: "Bob? Is that short for Robert?"

Bobert: "No."

Stranger: Good morning, Doctor. I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment.

Doctor: But you’re not one of my patients

Stranger: I know. But my Uncle Bill was, and I’m his heir.

A Demogorgon, a Dungeon Master and a Sherriff walk in to a bar.

My friend shouts "Wow! I've never seen anything like this. Isn't this amazing?!"

I replied "Nah, I've seen Stranger Things."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Never get in the car with a stranger," my dad always said.

I'm 38 and I still haven't learnt to fucking drive.

I was walking my dogs when a stranger approached me.

"Are they Jack Russell's?"
"Nah mate, they're mine" I replied.

Young goats shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.

That's how you get kidnapped.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Korean man and a Jewish man are in a bar, total strangers to one another.

The Jewish man walks up to the Korean man and, totally unprompted, punches him in the face.

Naturally, the Korean man goes "What was that for?"

The Jewish man responds, "That was for Pearl Harbor."

"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese," says the Korean man.

"Ah, Korean,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk is sitting with his pals and he pukes on his trouser leg. He tells his pals that his wife will lose her mind If he comes home like this and one of them says “put $20 in your top pocket and tell her a stranger puked on you and gave you $20 for dry cleaning.”

“Brilliant!” says the drunk, heading out. When he gets home, his wife says “Look at the state of you!” and he says, “Not to worry, a drunk puked on me and have me $20 for dry cleaning, it’s in my top pocket.”

She fishes out $40 and stares at him for a few and then says “there is $40 here...”<...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two strangers discussing religion

So, a woman sits beside a sharply dressed man in a flight to Tokyo.

Having a lot of time to kill, the man initiates a conversation with the woman, asking her about her religion and how God created the universe, etc.

"Well, first I’ve got a question for you", said the woman.

"Cow...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Sometimes I like to wind down the windows of my car, and sing at the top of my lungs to strangers walking by.

I was never meant to be a hearse driver.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Stranger guy with a sexy women in a hotel lobby.

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled. The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your br...

2 strangers are sitting on a train.

As they pass a cow field. One man says to the other, "What a nice field, man having 143 cows must be a lot of work"

The other man, astonished, replies "Wow, I happen to own that field and how did you know there were exactly 143 cows?"

The man replied "Easy, I counted the legs and divi...

A stranger came up to me in the park and said “what a lovely dog you have...”

“Thanks! He’s interbred” I said

Then a duck walked up beside us and said “do you know who else is interbred?”

I'm less famous than a black guy asking strangers for change.

Damn you, Barack.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two strangers are sitting in a bar at the top of a high rise...

The first man says to the other: "Did you know the clouds are so thick up here that you bounce right back off of them if you jump out the window?"
The second man says: "Is this some kind of a sick game? That's not physically possible!"
The first man stands up and says "Let me show you!" An...

A rancher brags to a stranger in a bar

“It takes 3 hours to drive across my land”

The stranger nods sympathetically and replies:

“I used to have a truck like that.”

I bumped into a stranger. He turned around and told me he was gonna rearrange my teeth.

What a great dentist he was - so glad I met him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My dad says we shouldn’t reward people with ribbons after participating. It is like they are being rewarded for losing.

So i took down his confederate flag.

Edit: this blew up!! Thank you for the gold n silver kind strangers!

Edit : grammar

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was arrested for putting my penis into a stranger's grandfather clock.

I'm still doing time.

Mom always told me not to talk to strangers.

Especially the ones she brings home while Dad's at work.

Arguing with strangers online is like wrestling sharks

Even if you win, it was a really stupid thing to do.

My friend asked me if I wanted to watch Dr. Strange.

I declined because I have Stranger Things to watch.

Today a strange stranger chased me for 10 miles. which made me think

whats so precious in her purse?

I have the bad habit of asking internet strangers for advice

Do you guys have ideas on how I can stop doing this?

Think New Yorkers don't get along? I just saw two complete strangers share a cab...

One took the wheels and tires, the other took the battery and the radio.

A blonde called her boyfriend and said,

“Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to put it together or how to get it started.” Her boyfriend asked, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?” The blonde said, “ According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.” Her boyfriend decide...

A stranger just came up to me and told me she was vegan...

I swear I've met herbivore

Told a stranger on a bus that I liked rhetorical questions.

He said, "Who cares?"
I said, "that's a classic!"

I ran into a complete stranger at my mom's annual New Years party.

I had never seen him before, so I asked him how he knew my mom. He said he had met her earlier in the day. Apparently, my mom was worried that the overall environment of the party wouldn't be as cool as she had hoped for, so she hired a professional to gauge the room.

I was absolutely disgus...

Why are there no cats on mars?

Because curiosity killed them

How warm is a baby at birth?

Womb temperature.

A young man was showing off his new sports car to his girlfriend.

She was thrilled at the speed. "If I do 200mph, will you take off your clothes?" he asked. "Yes!" said his adventurous girlfriend. And as he gets up to 200, she peeled off all her clothes. Unable to keep his eyes on the road, the car skidded onto some gravel and flipped over. The naked girl was thro...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two strangers riding an elevator

"Excuse me, sir, did you just fart?"

"Did you?"

"Of course not!"

"Then why the fuck are you asking?!!!"

Was this whole Superbowl a Tide ad?

I've seen stranger things.

Today i donated 200$ to a poor stranger

You can't imagine how happy he was, putting his gun away

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Mormon who likes to smoke, drink, swear and have sex with strangers?

An oxymormon.

Just sneezed around some very polite strangers.

#blessed

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How does a computer science major pick up girls?

Oh shit thought this was google

Why is the Stranger Things Christmas special going to be lame?

Noel

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.

“Ringling Brothers is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”

“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work’s really busy this week.”

The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talk...

A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.

"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold."

The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view."

The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two."

"That's...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man his wife and a stranger

A man, his wife and a good-looking stranger are stranded on a desert island. The wife quickly loses interest in her husband and begins flirting with the good-looking stranger. The three start to build a watchtower. The stranger offers to take first watch. While the husband and wife gather driftwo...

An amputee missing an arm and a leg walks up to a stranger and shouts

"I lost my left arm and left leg!!!"

The stranger says, "My god what a tragedy!"

The amputee says; "I'm all right."

2000: Don't talk to people on the internet or get into stranger's cars

2017: Literally talk to strangers online to get INTO their cars.

I yelled “Cow!” at a woman on a bike...

She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow. I tried.

-Edit: Thank you kind stranger. My first gold!

What does Eevee evolve into when you give it money?

Patreon

If you could exterminate any race what would you pick?

Personally, I‘d get rid of the 800m. It‘s too long to be considered a sprint and not long enough to really be long distance.

EDIT: Thanks for the silver, appreciated!
EDIT 2: Wow, thank you, kind stranger, for gold aswell!

What's Elevens [Stranger Things] Favourite Disney Song?

Let Eggo, Let Eggo...

Two Americans are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon.

Two American men are touring Europe, and are scheduled to arrive in France Sunday afternoon. However, they arrived several hours early, and had little to do on Sunday morning while everything was closed.

"Well," one says to the other, pointing to a nearby Cathedral, "why don't we attend Mass?...

TIL That in 2014 Netflix announced they wouldn't be pursuing science-fiction themed original content.

But Stranger Things have happened.

*At the library*

“Do you have a book about the discrimination of dwarves?”

“Left corner, on the top shelf!”

Donated my brain to a stranger in the hospital last week.

Good luck. My thoughts are with you.

A man came home to find his wife in bed with a stranger.

"What the hell are you two doing?" He demanded. His wife turned to the stranger and said, "See, I told you he was stupid.

A guy was standing in a bar when a stranger walks in. After a while they get to talking and at about 10:30 PM the second guy says, "Oh well,I better get home.My wife doesn't like me to stay out late during the night."

The first guy replies, "I'll help you out of this. Just do what I say. Go home. Sneak into the bedroom. Pull back the covers. Get down between her legs then lick, lick and lick for about 20 minutes and there will be no complaints in the morning."

The guy agrees to try that and continues drin...

The kindness of strangers

An old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. The driver, being polite, accepts and munches them.

Every 5 minutes she gives him a handful more peanuts.

Driver : Why don't you eat them yourself ?

Old lady : I can't chew them. Look, I have no teeth.

Driver : Then why...

My wife of 60 years said let's go upstairs and make love.

I told her "Choose one, I can't do both."

How many Emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they all sit in the dark and cry.

&#x200B;

It's cake day : )

Edit: thanks for my first silver kind stranger!
A Gold also! Thank you very much!

Why should one not talk about Titanic with a stranger?

Because it can't break the ice

What did Batman say when he found a stranger in the Batcave?

I can't believe it's not Butler

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Six Lessons of Life

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I need your very best knock-knock Jokes, clean or dirty for a sport my friends and I play. It needs to be able to make a complete stranger laugh.

Edit: I just thoguht of my favorite joke used in-game:
The joke teller, a girl on my team, was put on the phone with a young sounding guy:
Her: Knock knock
Him:Whos there?
Her:(Sexy voice) *Whoever you want it to be baby*
And then he laughed and she hung up. No Q for us!

**Doub...

2 strangers have a one night stand

The next morning, when both were awake, the woman turned to the guy and asks gently:

"Are you going to make me breakfast or do you suck at that too?"