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Horrible Jokes

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were talking about how horrible their lives are...

The cucumber says, "my life sucks. I get left in the garden until I'm huge. Then cut into pieces and put in a salad." The pickle says, "That's nothing! I get to sit in a jar with vinegar till I get swollen. Then I get eaten." The penis laughs and says, " When I get huge, they throw a bag over my hea...

Why do boomers make horrible cashiers?

Because they’re afraid of change.

My buddy was in a horrible accident.

After a horrible accident, my mate went to the hospital. His condition was so bad, that he could not speak nor walk for three years.

Yeah, man. Being born, it does something to a person.

What's a horrible icebreaker?

The titanic

I was horrible in school.

I failed math so many times I can’t even count.

Horrible lie

The preacher rose with a red face. “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiv...

The manager in the fetish shop I worked at was a horrible human being.

One day I spat in his cup of coffee.

But that was only because I got sick of him asking.

What a horrible way to die

Two guys meet up in a bar.

The first one asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"

"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"

"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb,...

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A bus full of catholic school girls gets in a horrible accident.

Sadly all on the bus perished and are waiting in line at the pearly gates. St Peter approaches the first girl in line.

"Mary Margaret, I have one question for you, and it is of the utmost importance that you answer truthfully. Have you ever touched a penis?"

Mary blushed a little bit...

Three men, John, Paul, and Bob live horrible lives and go to hell. When they arrive, a hideously ugly woman appears out of nowhere. Suddenly, a loud booming voice says,

"John! You have sinned! In reparation for your atrocious lifestyle you are condemned to sleep with this woman." With a cry of dismay, John is a whisked away to endure this horrible penance. Suddenly, another even uglier more hideous woman comes forward.

"Paul! You have sinned! In reparation f...

I'm reading a horror story in braille. Something horrible is about to happen...

I can feel it

Learnt a horrible lesson last night

Don't keep your life savings under your pillow unless you hate money and love teeth

Dating a tennis player is horrible...

Love means nothing to them!

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado...

Four U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado, that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.


“What brings you before the great...

This is such a horrible time for the NRA

First schools are closed, and now this.

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A man wakes up after a night out with the boys with a horrible hangover

He realizes that he's home, in his bed. With growing shock he realizes that he's wearing pajamas. He notices a glass of water on his night stand, a couple of aspirins, and a note.

The note reads, "Darling, I'm off to the store. Breakfast is on the table. eternally yours, your loving wife". <...

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A man on vacation is having horrible stomach pains, and realizes he has a tapeworm...

The resort doctor taps on his stomach a few times, listening with a stethoscope. Then he tells the man, "Come back tomorrow with a banana and a cookie."

"Ummm... okay..." the guy says, skeptical. "What for?"

"Do you want my help, or don't you!?" the doctor says. "Just do what I tell yo...

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Making a block of cheese out of scrap is horrible.

It is absolutely de-grating.

Being unemployed is horrible.

I never thought I'd lose my job as a psychic.

„Whoa your circumcision looks horrible“ …

„Yeah my parents went for the cheap one...it was a rip off“

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My work is fucking horrible.

Its mostly the people that work there:

First we have this dumb bitch. She is constantly conplaining about this and that. She is an 11/10 and cant solve a simple problem to save her fucking life. She is dumber than a box of rocks and i hate that i have an enormous crush on her.

Next we ...

Why is North Korea horrible?

Because they have no Seoul.

There's been a horrible accident!

A recent space launch attempting to carry astronaut Sergey Reeses to the International Space Station exploded catastrophically shortly after launch.


The understandably distraught widow has asked that everyone in the area keep an eye out for Reese's pieces.

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A Horrible Food

My girlfriend use to give me a blowjob every morning and sex every night. Then she ate one food that cut our sex life 90%.

Wedding Cake

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[LONG] A Police Officer pulls up on the scene of a horrible accident...

A van went off the road and crashed into a tree. Expecting the worst, the officer looks inside and finds a man and woman dead. All of a sudden, he hears a monkey that was inside of the vehicle as well.

Surprised, the Officer exclaims, "What the hell is going on here?!"

*Reacting, th...

My girlfriend says my Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions is horrible.

That's when I got upset and right before I walked out of the room, I turned to her with his impression and said.
I'll be returning.

I had this horrible nightmare last night!

It was just horrifying, I was on a boat in a lake, when suddenly my boat tipped over! As I fell into the lake I realized it was orange, orange crush infact! Tasted delicious, but after a minute I started sinking, I was going to drown in a lake of orange crush!

That's when I woke up and realiz...

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A guy is feeling horrible so he goes to the doctor...

During the exam the doctor is shocked, "Oh my god! No wonder you feel bad, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of your butt!"
The man says, "Yeah, and that's just the tip of the iceberg!"

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Turns out my wife of 20 years is a horrible racist!

Last weekend I brought my black girlfriend over for dinner and my wife told her to get the fuck out.

I've got a horrible memory.

I couldn't remember what onomatopoeia or metaphor meant and then BAM it hit me like lighting. It was like the time I remembered similes and realized I am dumb as a box of rocks.

Why did 10 have PTSD and horrible nightmares

He was in the middle of 9-11

Horrible news today

N V B K I T H E K L O P F

I N V E N T O R Z S F O F

T H E E F G H J I O L P L

Y Q W O R D S E A R C H

H A S J P O D I E D G W

We've had a horrible winter this year.

It was so cold, lawyers were walking around with their hand is their *own* pockets.

A man’s wife is very concerned about the horrible dandruff he has, and the fact that he won’t go to the doctor about it.

So she goes to the doctor on his behalf, and she says doctor, my husband has horrible dandruff and he won’t do anything about it and I am at my wits end with the skin flakes all over the bed sheets and pillows, what can I do?

The doctor says, give him head and shoulders, and see if that help...

Customer service at restaurants is HORRIBLE.

Every time I use one of their restrooms, I see "Employees must wash hands" on the mirror. So I wait for HOURS, but not ONCE has an employee EVER showed up to wash them for me.

They finally did it, Reddit has made impossible for blind people to moderate their sub with the api changes. This is their last statement from r/blind

"H dhei osndhsjbw siso is koqp odjd jsoa JD djs sis ikksbs"

(I am sorry for this horrible joke and I really hope things may work out for you)

The horrible things you will do for money

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "You know, I've done some terrible things for money," he confesses to the bartender. "Like getting up early in the morning to go to work."

BREAKING: Stevie Wonder suffers major laceration in horrible accident

The wound too big for regular stitches, doctors were forced to use very super stitches

How does Jeff Bezos tell his doctor that his Covid symptoms are horrible?

“Doc, I feel like a million bucks.”

My wife is a horrible singer .

When my wife starts to sing I always go out and do some garden work so our neighbors can see there's no domestic violence going on.

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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

Why are spelunkers horrible negotiators?

Because they love to cave.

Horrible day

"Houston we have a problem."
*What?*
"Our equipment is malfunctioning and our backup life support has failed, it's just been a horrible day."
*Roger that. Have you tried restarting the...*
"OMG Houston, stop trying to fix the problem, I just want you to listen and be supportive!"

I had a horrible nightmare last night

I dreamed that I was attacked by a ship of undead who were nothing but bones.

Fortunately, there weren't very many of them. It was a skeleton crew, after all.

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This guy has a horrible wife.

She screams at him, hits him sometimes, and his life becomes miserable. The problem is that he’s a Roman Catholic, and he can’t divorce her. He’s sitting in a bar one night telling his friend his problem, and his friend says ”Why don’t you have her killed?”
The guy says “I don’t know anyone who d...

A vain narcissist had his face disfigured in a horrible accident

A frenemy visited him in the hospital. “I’m sorry to inform you,” he said with glee, “but you’ve simply become the ugliest man I’ve ever seen. Maybe the ugliest in the entire world.”

The narcissist started crying, burying his face in his hands.

His frenemy, barely suppressing his satis...

A media star's career will remain stable as long as they haven't done anything horrible. The star's career will collapse if at any point the weight of all the horrible things they have done overcomes the support of the public's positive perception of them and their importance as a cultural icon.

This is known as "Ellen Degeneracy pressure."

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There are some horrible bastards in this world.

I heard a cat outside crying, so I opened the door and saw

4 blokes in Arsenal shirts playing football with it. I was just

about to phone the police when the cat went 1-0 up..

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Loraina Bobbet died recently in a horrible car Accident

Supposedly some dick cut her off

Horrible and funny, Funeral Home AS - Poland, authentic joke from their webpage

We are sorry that we did not speak, we are helping in Kiev to prepare 150,000 beds for Russian soldiers. Funeral Home AS, Bytom - Poland

Gravity and I have a horrible relationship.

It’s always trying to keep me down.

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A man wakes up with a horrible headache

The conscientious man he is, he grabs the phone to call in sick at work.

„Boss, I am sorry I am afraid i can‘t come in to work today. I have this horrible headache.“

„You know, everytime I have a headache my wife gives me a blowjob and it‘s gone. You should really try it.“ Tells him h...

My friend drowned himself in a vat of varnish. He had a horrible end,

...but a lovely finish.

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Wife is horrible with money

After receiving a decent inheritance from her mother, my wife decided to buy a boob job instead of start a 529 for our kids. Her prior titties weren't straight.

A horrible astronaut joke

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut


Yeah he just needs a little space

Horrible mixup

A man received the following text from his neighbor:


I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but that's no excuse. I can no lon...

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

A man goes to the hospital with horrible burns all over his feet

The doctors ask "how did this happen"? He replies "The instructions on the can said "before opening, stand in boiling water for five minutes."

A plane has a horrible accident...

...and is split in half horizontally. Everyone is holding onto the oxygen masks above with their legs dangling in the air.

The captain shouts to the passengers, "We can make it, but the weight's off - at least one person needs to let go or else none of us will make it!"

Willing to die...

I have this horrible tofu joke I'm afraid to post...

It's really tasteless.

Why do mathematicians make horrible robbers?

They always leave all the proofs.

Amputees make horrible detectives

The know they are missing something, but they just can’t put their finger on it.

my aunt ruth died in a horrible explosion

they couldn't even find any body parts to put in the casket

the funeral was ruthless.

I’ve heard a lot of puns in my lifetime, some great, others horrible

But I think the one about the kleptomaniac baker really takes the cake.

Happy cake day to me

I went to a BTS concert a while back. It was absolutely horrible.

Now every time I hear their songs I get BTSD.

A man had a horrible stabbing pain in his eye every time he drank a hot toddy.

He went to the doctor to try to rectify it.

“It’s important,” his doctor told him, “to take the spoon out of the cup before you drink it.”

Happy hot toddy day!

I find all these obese jokes horrible.

Don't you think they have enough on their plate already?

Jesus must be horrible at hide and seek

People keep on finding him

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