My body is in a disgusting, embarrassing, totally repulsive state right now

New Jersey, I'm in New Jersey.

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I complained to my boss about how disgusting the employee bathroom was.

He called the janitor and said, "I found out who keeps shitting in the maintenance closet mop bucket."

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Just caught a disgusting pervert on the bus.

He was watching pornography over my shoulder.

There once was a woman that was married to a man who would make extremely foul and disgusting farts every morning as soon as he woke up.

Every time he did, the woman got angry and told him, “One of these days, Walter, you’re going to fart your guts out!”

One morning, the woman woke up early to cook a turkey for a dinner they were hosting that evening. As she removed the turkey’s entrails, she had an idea to teach her husband a...

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You want to know what's really disgusting?

When you dream about eating pudding and wake up the next day with a spoon up your ass.

A boy asks his father, "Dad, are bugs good to eat?" "That's disgusting. Don't talk about things like that over dinner," the dad replies.

After dinner the father asks, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?" "Oh, nothing," the boy says. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it’s gone."

My girlfriend dumped me after my grandma had a stroke last night.

She said it was disgusting to let my grandma touch me like that.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

I think women breast feeding in public is disgusting.

I was always taught that if you didn't bring enough for the entire class, nobody gets to have any.

Our country needs a border wall. South of the border is nothing but criminals, disgusting people, and entitled people and their government does nothing about it.

Just to be clear, I live in Canada.

A vegan told me people who sold meat were disgusting.

I said people who sell fruit and veg are grocer.

A group of anti-maskers looked at me disgustingly

I don't know if it was because I was wearing a mask or nothing but a mask.

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Girlfriend: Guys only want one thing and it's fucking disgusting

Me: Why would you call yourself that?

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If you think truffle butter is disgusting.

You’ve never experienced pee nut butter.

Marriage is about accepting each other’s flaws. For example, if I fart, my wife calls me disgusting and hits me.

If my wife farts, she calls me disgusting and hits me.

Men only want one thing

From the Missing-the-point department:

Text from her: “Men only want one thing, and it’s disgusting!”

Text from him: “Wash it then?”

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Racism is not a joke

Hi, I've travelled around the world a little bit and I've had many wonderful experiences, although the story I'm about to share is one of the worst experiences in my life.

I went to Japan a few years ago and for the most part had a wonderful time and found the people to be amazingly friendly ...

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Overheard

This guy is in a restaurant and he hears another dude w a thick accent talking in the next booth.

He stares down into his plate of eggs and the guy behind him goes

"Emma cum first, then I cum"

And he reaches for the pepper and the guy is still talking

"Then the two asses...

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I was on the bus the other day when this young attractive woman started to breastfeed her child. An elderly woman got up and protested saying it was the most disgusting thing she'd ever seen and would complain to the bus company...

In hindsight, I really shouldn't have been wanking at the time...

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This world has become disgusting!

I was offered sex today, with a 21 year old girl. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some kind of bathroom cleaner on reddit. Of course I declined because I am a person of high moral standards with a strong willpower. Just as strong as Ajox, the super strong bathroom cleaner. Now avai...

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A man walks into a bar, and orders a beer. He drinks the beer, then stands on the bar, drops his pants and pisses all over the place. The bar tender freaks out. "You dirty disgusting pig! How dare you come into my bar and urinate! I'll beat the shit out of you..."

The man begins crying. "I'm sorry! Its ruining my life. I can't sleep. I do it every time I have a drink! It's worrying me to death, please don't hit me..." The bar tender takes pity. "Look, I have a brother who is a psychiatrist, here's his card, why don't you see him?" The man hugs the bartender, ...

Three women die and go to heaven

There are ducks everywhere on the ground and floors. St. Peter tells them: "This is Heaven, you can do anything you like, as long as you don't step on a duck. If you step on a duck, you will be punished."

The first woman tries very carefully to not step on a duck, but slips up and accidentall...

You know what I say to people who think blood is disgusting?

You’re full of it.

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A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender

I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference." 

The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch...

A rabbit walks in to a cake shop.

He walks up to the counter and asks " Do you have a birthday cake with spinach?" "No I'm sorry we don't" says the store clerk. "Ok" says the rabbit and promptly bounces out of the store. The rabbit comes back a couple of times and asks the same question and gets the same answer so the store owner de...

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I just took my sausage dog back to the pet shop. Really disappointed with it.

The sausages it made were fucking disgusting.

It’s absolutely disgusting the way people cheat on their taxes...

This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in.

What's more disgusting than a millipede?

A millipooed

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[NSFW] What's the definition of disgusting?

Ramming five raw oysters up your grandma's pussy,
and sucking out six.

I think it's just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong

especially after what he achieved winning 7 Tour de France races while competing on drugs. When I'm on drugs, I can't even find my bike.

I wrote the most disgusting joke ever.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

Why don't mother vampires nurse their infants?

Because they only bleed once a month.

There was this fella having some drinks at a bar....

And all evening he kept eyeballing this beautiful, young woman, sitting at a table with what appeared to be a few of her friends. He noticed she would smile at him and subtly play with her hair, and from what he gathered, she was into him.

After building up some liquid courage, he decides it ...

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Two male mice sucked each other’s dicks

Later they talked about the incident.

Mouse#1: It was pretty disgusting what we did

Mouse#2: I know. But I only did it for the cheese

The king's guard bursts into the throne room...

Out of breath and in a panic they alert the king
> Sire, the peasants, they're revolting!


The king nods and responds:
>Mmm yes, they are quite disgusting aren't they

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Jack and Jill have been married for forty years

And every morning jack wakes up, has a stretch and forces out the biggest fart you've ever heard. Every morning his wife Jill would tell him he is disgusting and tell him that one day he's gonna push so hard his guts will fall out to which he would reply better out than in my love.

After so...

My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.

I don't get it. When Civet's do it, it's the "smoothest" and "best" coffee.

When I do it, it's "disgusting" "depraved" and they shut down my cafe......

The Twelve Thank You Notes Of Christmas

Dec 25

My dearest darling Edward,

What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge, in that lovely little pear tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic present! Bless you, and thank you.

Your deeply loving,

Emily

Dec 26

Beloved Edward,...

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A guy calls in sick to work on a Tuesday morning...

His boss becomes irate:

“Joe, for God’s sake! This is the 8th Tuesday in a row you’ve called in telling me you’re sick! What’s going on?!?”

“Well, remember I told you my brother-in-law left my sister a couple of months ago?”

“Of course I do. But what does that have to do with...

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No one likes to watch disgusting and degrading porn

More than I do

Bob calls his job foreman on Monday morning and says “I cannot come to work today. I’m a very sick man”.

The foreman replies “this is 2 Monday’s in a row that you’ve called out saying you’re sick. Do you have a drinking problem?”

Bob responds “I’m not an alcoholic. But my brother in law is. And for the last few weeks he’s been drinking too much and hitting my sister. So she comes to my house to ...

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I know many people find it disgusting but I just can't stop having sex with my favourite vegetable.

And in my defence we were married for five years before her accident.

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My mum finds it disgusting that people pee in showers.

.
.
.
Sometimes I can't help it, some just comes out when I take a shit

The oldest joke in the book

Repost of a million people;
Once, there was a baker and a bipedal rabbit.
The rabbit goes into the baker’s shop and asks if they have a carrot cake on stock.
The baker says no.
Later that week, the rabbit goes back and asks if they now have a carrot cake on stock.
The baker still says...

I was sitting on a bus with a friend and he told me this joke...

What do you do if you see an Epileptic having a fit in the bath?

Throw in your laundry.

The guy behind us leaned over and said "I think that's disgusting. My son died in the bath whilst having a fit."

We both went white and apologised. The guy got up to get off and said, "he c...

I told the bartender he could borrow my blowup doll any time he wanted. "Eugh! That's disgusting!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah..." I said. "But you were pretty quick to jump on my ex-girlfriend weren't you?"

My girlfriend told me I was disgusting for licking the bowl after I finished.

I guess she's used to most people just flushing.

There are two types of people that I hate the most.

One, there are racists;

the other, there are creepy, disgusting blue-skinned elves who are the enemy to the humankind.

Little Jenny loved climbing trees

When her mother came to pick her up from school, Jenny was at it again climbing the tallest tree she could find, oblivious to the group of disgusting boys looking up her skirt! The mom quickly waved her to get into the car, then in a stern voice warned her about the boys who just wanted to look at h...

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What did the mathematician say looking at 144 anuses?

That's disgusting

A little old lady sits at the luncheonette counter and orders a hamburger...

The huge guy behind the counter bellows, "One burger!"
Whereupon the chef grabs a huge hunk of chopped meat, stuffs it in his bare armpit, pumps his arm a few times to squeeze it flat, and then tosses it on the grill.

"That's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen," the old lady says. ...

Is he sleazy? Yes. Is he disgusting? Absolutely. Did he act in a vulgar manner towards women? Certainly.

But he's not running for President, his wife is.

I saw the most disgusting thing today: a strip club across the street from a playground.

Just trying to enjoy the day with my family while losers are swinging on monkey bars 50 feet away.

These vaccinated kids miss out on so much in life and it's disgusting

Polio, measles, rubella, typhoid, the list just goes on and on really

My wife made me dinner the other day. She got offended when I put down my knife and fork and said, "This dinner is disgusting"

then my wife said, "Well, boil your own toast next time then"

My computer has this disgusting virus that has completed slowed everything down.

It's called "Internet Explorer".

Why are dyslexic entomologists disgusting?

Because they collect incest photos.

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Hey man went fishing on a beautiful Sunday morning

On his way there he passed couple of women walking to a church.

"Oh I see you are going fishing, but why do you need this brick?"

Says one of the women pointing at his hand.

"Well that's my secret, but I can tell you this secret for a blow job"

"You are disgusting!" Woman...

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