What do Walter Reed and Trump National have in common?

Both are places where Trump doesn't count his strokes accurately.

A joke I heard from Walter Matthau

Three old men are talking and the first old man goes “if I could do a good number 1 , just a number one for three seconds I’d be happy with myself”

The second goes “if I could do a solid number 2, just a quick, swift number 2 I’d be satisfied”

The third guy goes “well I do an awesome n...

Walter and Agnes have been married for 50 years.

They’ve had a beautiful life together, but as they’ve gotten older, they’ve become more forgetful. Walter even went to play a round of golf the other day and forgot his clubs!

Agnes decided it was time to go to the doctor and see if anything could be done about their memory problems. The doct...

There was a man named Walter and his Wife Ethel

Walter took Ethel to the state fair every year, and every time he would say to her, "Ethel, you know that I'd love to go for a ride in that helicopter." But Ethel would always reply, "I know that Walter, but that helicopter ride is 50 dollars and 50 dollars is 50 dollars."

Finally, they went...

What's the difference between Walter White and Kool Aid man when it comes to children's privacy?

One of them knocks

What does walter white order at a mexican restraunt?

Rice n' beans

At the Olympics, a guy walks past a group of spectators, carrying a long pole.

One of the onlookers says to the guy, "Are you a pole vaulter?" The guy responds, "No, I'm German, but how did you know my name was Walter?"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

DONALD TRUMP: I've been told by my many sources, good sources - they're very good sources - that the chicken crossed the road. All the Fake News wants to do is write nasty things about the road, but it's a really good road. It's a beautiful road. Everyone knows how beautiful it is.


Joe ...

Walter was trying to help his son fly a kite.

Walter was trying to help his son fly a kite in the backyard, but it wouldn’t stay up. His wife called from the back door and said, “Walter, you need more tail!” Walter looks back at her and says, “I wish you’d make up your mind, last night you told me to go fly a kite!”

Walter White invites Hank over one night.

Walt: I got you a pizza.
Hank: Thanks, how much do I owe you.
Walt: It's on the house

If Walter White made weed instead of meth...

It would be called Breaking Bud.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

How does Walter White make a stir fry?

With Ricin

One day co-workers Alice and Bob were talking over the water cooler. Soon the conversation turned to Alice's husband Walter and his plans for the future.

"He's up for a promotion, but he's kinda screwed. He'd be moving up from the mail room to a position with some management responsibilities, but he never actually graduated college and that's usually a requirement. They like him though, so there's just one course he has to take and get a good grade i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Barbara Walters is interviewing Neil Armstrong in 2010 about him being the first man on the moon.

Barbara Walters (BW) says to Neil Armstrong (NA) "It's a great honor to interview you Mr. Armstrong. (NA) replies, "Happy to be here". Then (BW) asks him "As a young journalist hearing you speak those famous words for the first time". "One small step for man, one giant leap for Mankind", "I had to a...

Special agent Walter is on a top secret mission.

He's supposed to meet a woman and tell her a code word before hands him a briefcase with classified documents. The meeting is arranged in a public place and he's given a photo of the woman.

He heads to the rendezvous point and awaits her. A few minutes later she arrives. He readies himself fo...

Walter White decided to buy a pizza for his son

Walter: Hey son I bought you a pizza so you can share it with your friends.

Flynn: Thanks dad, how much do I owe you?

Walter: It's on the house.

Why was Walter able to commit so much crime for so long on Breaking Bad without getting caught?

White privilege.

I hate baby’s with old adult names.

“No I don’t want to hold Walter.”

Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?

AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership." He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...

Why did Skyler cheat on Walter?

The chemistry between them was dying.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" ...

Walter Jr. had to use both feet to operate the pedals.

He was braking bad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Walter the chicken

Walter and his wife go to bed at night. When Walter wakes up a few hours later, there is an Angel standing in front of him. „What happend?“, he asks a little confused. „I‘m sorry Walter. You died while you were asleep.“, the Angel answers.

Walter is really sad to hear this. He still had so ma...

A guy walks through the Olympic Village

And comes across an athlete with a big stick on his shoulder.

The first guy asks "Are you a pole vaulter?"

The athlete says "No, I am a German and don't call me Walter!"

What do you call it when Walter White rear-ends the car in front of him?

Braking Bad

Why did Walter White not pay for his pizza?

Because it was on the house.

What is Walter White's favourite band?

Well it's not Saving Jane, that's for sure.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians.

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American Indians. After a tour of a reservation, she asked a Brave,who had only one feather in his headdress, "Why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses?" His
reply was, "Me have only one sqaw, me have only one feathe...

What did Walter White teach?

Advanced methematics.

A man named Walter is running in a race

and he's first. He's miles in front, and he's ran 3/4 of the race so he decides that now would be a good time to take a breather. Whilst he's taking his breather, he starts reflecting on all the races he's ran in. "I love the crowds at the end of races but most of the time, they're awful" he thought...

In an interview Barbara Walters asks OJ Simpson if he thinks he will ever be married again...

He says, "I don't know... One of these days, I might take another stab at it."

Why does Walter get to keep more of the drug money than Jessie?

White privilege

I hope you're all getting your Walter Cronkite jokes in order. He's next.

Here's mine.

Ed McMahon, David Carradine, Farrah Fawcett, Michael Jackson, Billy Mays, and Walter Cronkite walk into a bar.

And die.

Your turn.

Breaking Bad Joke

Walter: Hi Skyler, got us some breadsticks and pizza

Skyler: How much do I owe you.

Walter: It’s on the house.

Australian Olympic hurdler sees another athlete at the track carrying a long stick and asks him, 'are you a pole vaulter?'

He replies (in an accent) 'No,
actually I'm from Germany
and how did you know my name was Walter?'

Sugar Shorts . . .

A group of Tennessee bikers were riding east on Highway 74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

Walter Hawk, their leader, a man of 63, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down of...

Plot twist joke

The couple drives silently in a car along the country road. She suddenly says,"Walter, I'm getting a divorce!"
He doesn't say anything, just accelerates slightly.
She says,"I've had a relationship with your best friend for a long time, and he's a better lover than you." He doesn't say anything...

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine shut off and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I g...

Confusion reigns at the Olympics

A young journalist walked up to a track and field athlete who was warming up for his event to get an interview.

Not entirely sure of the athlete's discipline he asks, "Are you a polevaulter?"

The athlete replied, "Nein, I'm German, but how did you know my name is Walter?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving in his truck

It is winter and the road is coverd in snow. Suddenly the car behind pulls beside him and tells him to stop. A guy gets out and knocks on his window:

"Hello Sir, my name is Henry Brians
I speak only in rhymes,
I have to tell you I'm afraid,
your truck is losing freight."

The m...

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