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Gilbert Jokes

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NSFW My Favorite Gilbert Gottfried joke

NSFW

A man goes to see his wife in the hospital. She has been getting sicker and sicker and is clearly in the final days of her life. He goes to her and holds her hand and stares into his wife's eyes and asks her if there is anything at all he can do for her. His wife can barely speak and he...

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A man wakes up in the hospital. An attractive nurse says “you were in a bad accident and you can’t feel anything from the waist down”…

So the man replies, “well then can I feel your tits?”


-Gilbert Gottfried original told on the Doug Loves Movies podcast. RIP Gilbert.

RIP Gilbert Gottfried...

Now he can finally tell that infamous 9/11 joke to the people who were in the towers.

Bob Saget, Norm Macdonald, and Gilbert Gottfried walk into a bar

There's no punchline, I'm just really sad now.

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rip gilbert gottfried

there's a family about to eat breakfast, a mom, a dad, and two little boys. the mom looks at one of the kids and asked him what he would like for
breakfast, he said "i would like the fucking french toast". the mom then started to slap him and the dad took of his belt and started beating him, they...

Gilbert O'Sullivan came into my bank the other day...

“What did he want?”

A loan again, naturally.

Gilbert Gottfried may have joked about tragedies right after they happened, but he still had a big heart.

Weak, but big.




P.S. RIP Gilbert

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Armless Legless girl on the beach

A man is walking on the beach when suddenly he hears someone crying, as he gets closer he discovers that it is an armless and legless woman.

He then asks her:

Man: "Why are you crying?"

Woman: "In my whole life, i've never been kissed."

So the man grabs her and kisses her...

When I heard the sad news that Gilbert Gottfried had passed away....

I half-expected his cause of death was anaphylAFLAC shock.

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A man goes to a doctor....

He says I don't know if my wife has TB or VD. The doctor says Chase her around the bed. If she coughs, fuck her.

—Gilbert Godfried

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Lottery- Gilbert Gottfried

A man comes home to his wife and says "Honey pack your bags I just won the lottery!" She says "What should I pack?" He says "I don't care just pack and get the fuck out!"

A man walks into a restaurant...

A man walks into a restaurant and sees a sign that reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $2.00 SALAD: $4.50 HAND JOB: $15.00

He decides to order and an exceptionally attractive blonde comes over. "What may I get you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand j...

Did you hear about the standup comic who was just released from prison?

Yeah, Gilbert got freed.

(I apologize to Gilbert.)

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How do pants fit on a man with 5 penises?

Like a glove


>-Gilbert Gottfried (shortened)

Buzz Killington

Do you know why W.S Gilbert was frequently drunk on his transatlantic crossings?

Because he was a quartered on the portside!

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Gilbert Melendez

Gilbert Melendez who?

Gilbert may lend deez nuts

Traumatized son

A young boy, an only child no more than ten years old, wakes up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom.

As he is walking to the restroom, he opens his parents' bedroom door and sees them copulating quite vigorously. The boy screams in horror. The mom throws the dad off and attempts...

A man rushes to the hospital after his wife gets in a severe car accident.

(one of my favorite jokes, I believe originally from Gilbert Gottfried)

Upon arrival the surgeon rushes out to see him.
**Surgeon:** Sir, I'm afraid I have terrible news. Your wife was in a severe accident and she is paralyzed from the neck down. From here on out, you'll have to do every...

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Urine Trouble

Three old men are sitting on a park bench. One of them begins complaining to the others about his problems in the bathroom.

"I can't take it. Every morning, 8am I try and I try to take a piss but no matter how long I stand there at the toilet I can't squeeze a drop!"

The old man sittin...

What do you get when you cross Gilbert Gottfried and Donald Trump?

A migraine.

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