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Bernard Jokes

A fabricated exchange between George Bernard Shaw and Winston Churchill.

Shaw writes to Churchill: "I'm reserving you two tickets for my new play. Come with a friend (if you have one, that is)."

Churchill replies to Shaw: "I can't make the first performance. I'll make sure to watch the second performance (if you have one, that is)."

*This exchange has mad...

Bernard is sitting at the bar and slurs to the barman for another drink...

the barman, hearing how much he's clearly had, decides that it's time to chaperone this man out the back door, citing that he's clearly "had enough" for the night. A few minutes later, Bernard stumbles through the front doors again.
"BARman! Cahn ah plish haaav' adrink!"
The barman, again, doe...

A man approached Bernard on the street..

Bernard was strollin' down the street when a man approached him asking "Which is the quickest way to reach the hospital?"

Bernard pushed him under a truck...

What’s Andy Bernard’s favorite app?

Reddit did di doo

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching

a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.

asking a veterinarian for a favor

A veterinarian walks into a bar for an after work drink, when he is approached by Bert, one of his best clients. "Hey doc," Bert says sadly. "I need to make an appointment to bring my St. Bernard in tomorrow and have you cut off her tail." The vet stepped back, "Bert, why should I do such a terrible...

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The Talking Bird

Alright, so there is this guy that I am friends with who's job has been sending him away on business trips lately. He is away from home for sometimes 4-5 days at a time. He is married. No kids. This wife of his, well, she is super fuckin' hot. Like, she is at least a 9/10 and she knows it too. ...

My gf has the face of a saint

It’s a pity it’s St Bernard

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An old Justin Wilson joke

An old, crotchety farmer woke up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat. The man clutched his chest and fumbled for the telephone to call an ambulance, fearing that he was having a heart attack.

Upon arriving at the hospital, the man, stable but still in quite a bit of pain, was greeted ...

A walk to the zoo.

A man walks for four days to visit a zoo.

The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

The dog looks like a St. Bernard, but the man is steadfast in his belief that it is, with certainty, a Shih Tzu.

Two dogs and a cat appeared in heaven

Two dogs and a cat appeared in heaven and were seeking admission. God Himself decided to hear their appeal from His judgement seat.

The St Bernard said "I was a valued rescue dog and helped find those nuns after the avalanche."

"Fine then, you're in," said God.

The collie said, ...

Two men have been selected for an expedition to the North Pole

Their names are George Bernard and William Briggs. On this journey they’ve been given a state of the art ship to cross through iceberg laden waters unscathed and plenty of supplies for the trip. On the 20th of December George and William set off on their expedition. Unfortunately, unbeknownst to the...

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The Aristocrats return to the talent agency...(OC)

The agent says, "Holy fuck, not you asshats again." The father shakes his head, "No, no. It's a totally different show. I swear, this one is going to be really big." The agent has a slow day, so he waves his hand for them to continue.

The father looks at his son, "Ok, Bernard..." and the son...

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The Dogs

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.


"My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I we...

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The bitch

A man walks into a bar with a St. Bernard and asks for a martini. The dog requests a double martini.
The bartender says to the man "So you're a ventriloquist. Big deal. We don't serve dogs in here."

The man gets up to go to the men's room, and the dog again requests his drink.

The ...

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There was an elderly nurse working overnight in an emergency room.

There was an elderly nurse working overnight in an emergency room. She had been doing this, and doing it well, for 45 years. She was a good nurse, always sharp as a tack, but she was getting to the point in life where she was just starting to get endearingly scatter brained. She would frequently get...

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Seagull poop (longish)

{From my childhood - no idea who to credit}



A man is sitting at the bar alone when suddenly, in walks a pirate.

The whole place goes quiet as the pirate walks to the counter.

He orders a drink and noticed the man is staring at him, eyes wide.

The pirate says, "Wha...

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