What’s Andy Bernard’s favorite app?

Reddit did di doo

If a person does exceedingly well in the Catholic faith, they become a saint. But if someone does equally well in the Hindu faith, they become a...

Saint Bernard.

Two dogs and a cat appeared in heaven

Two dogs and a cat appeared in heaven and were seeking admission. God Himself decided to hear their appeal from His judgement seat.

The St Bernard said "I was a valued rescue dog and helped find those nuns after the avalanche."

"Fine then, you're in," said God.

The collie said, ...

A man approached Bernard on the street..

Bernard was strollin' down the street when a man approached him asking "Which is the quickest way to reach the hospital?"

Bernard pushed him under a truck...

Bernard is sitting at the bar and slurs to the barman for another drink...

the barman, hearing how much he's clearly had, decides that it's time to chaperone this man out the back door, citing that he's clearly "had enough" for the night. A few minutes later, Bernard stumbles through the front doors again.
"BARman! Cahn ah plish haaav' adrink!"
The barman, again, doe...

My gf has the face of a saint

It’s a pity it’s St Bernard

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an elderly nurse working overnight in an emergency room.

There was an elderly nurse working overnight in an emergency room. She had been doing this, and doing it well, for 45 years. She was a good nurse, always sharp as a tack, but she was getting to the point in life where she was just starting to get endearingly scatter brained. She would frequently get...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seagull poop (longish)

{From my childhood - no idea who to credit}



A man is sitting at the bar alone when suddenly, in walks a pirate.

The whole place goes quiet as the pirate walks to the counter.

He orders a drink and noticed the man is staring at him, eyes wide.

The pirate says, "Wha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Talking Bird

Alright, so there is this guy that I am friends with who's job has been sending him away on business trips lately. He is away from home for sometimes 4-5 days at a time. He is married. No kids. This wife of his, well, she is super fuckin' hot. Like, she is at least a 9/10 and she knows it too. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Dogs

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.


"My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I we...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Aristocrats return to the talent agency...(OC)

The agent says, "Holy fuck, not you asshats again." The father shakes his head, "No, no. It's a totally different show. I swear, this one is going to be really big." The agent has a slow day, so he waves his hand for them to continue.

The father looks at his son, "Ok, Bernard..." and the son...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bitch

A man walks into a bar with a St. Bernard and asks for a martini. The dog requests a double martini.
The bartender says to the man "So you're a ventriloquist. Big deal. We don't serve dogs in here."

The man gets up to go to the men's room, and the dog again requests his drink.

The ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew walk into a bar...

What a fine example of an integrated community.



^(Credit: Bernard Righton/John Thomson)

A man walks into a synagogue with a dog...

A man walks into a synagogue with a dog. The Rabbi comes up to him and says, "Pardon me, this is a House of Worship; you can't bring your dog in here."

"What do you mean," says the man, "this is a Jewish dog! Look."

The Rabbi looks carefully and sees, that in the same way that a St. B...

A walk to the zoo.

A man walks for four days to visit a zoo.

The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog.

The dog looks like a St. Bernard, but the man is steadfast in his belief that it is, with certainty, a Shih Tzu.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.