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Nicholas Jokes

What does St. Nicholas call his suits?

His Santa Clothes.


Where does he store his suits?

In his Klaus-et.

An old political joke from Imperial Russia (reign of Nicholas II)

A man yells in the street: "Nicholas is a moron!". He is taken away by the police on charges of lese majeste (insulting the monarch). He tells the policemen "Please let me go, I meant another Nicholas!". The police chief replies: "Do not lie. If you said 'moron', you certainly meant the Czar!"

Why did Czar Nicholas lose his children?

They were always Romanoff.\*

* Roamin' off.

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A cop pulls a guy over..

Goes up to the drivers window, says “license and registration please.”

Guy says “here is my registration, I’m sorry but I don’t have my license on me.”

The officer, in a good mood replies, “that’s okay, what’s your name I can look you up in our system”

“Nick”

“Nick... wha...

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Three people want to get into heaven

St Nicholas is the gatekeeper.

He says they must give him something related to Christmas to get in.

The first person reaches into his pockets and pulls out a leaf

St Nick looks confused, and says “How does this relate to Christmas?”

She replied “Mistletoe”, St N...

Why did Saint Nicholas adopt the nickname of St. Nick?

No L

What was Nicholas the second's favorite bread?

A Tsardough.

What grades did Nicholas Cage get in school?

The Bs! Not the Bs!

Where did Nicholas II get his coffee?

Tsarbucks

What do you get when you imprison Santa Claus?

Nicholas Caged

What do you call Nicholas Cage after a double mastectomy?

Nipple-less Cage

Jesus and Moses were playing some Golf

As they approached one particular hole, a short Par 3, with a pond where the hole was located right at the edge of the pond.

You know, Moses, this hole is designed just like hole 15 at Pinehurst. I once watched Jack Nicholas use a 9 iron to get a hole in one here!

As he pulled out his...

Why does Santa only carry pennies, dimes and quarters?

Because he is Nicholas.

I will never forget my dad’s last words: “Will you stop playing with the bow, Nicholas?!”

PS: it was a joke

Did you see Nicholas Sparks released a cookbook?

A Wok to Remember

Euro 2016

Hi! I've got 2 tickets for the final of Euro 2016 but forgot that it's on the same day as my wedding so I can't go.

If you are interested and want to go instead of me ...

... It's at St. Nicholas' Church, Brighton and she's called Jane.

A joke I made for my fellow Nick's out there :

Don't ask me for 5 cents anytime soon...

because I'm Nicholas.

I found a nickel in the driveway but my sister kicked it away.

I'm Nicholas.

After what happened at the U.S. Captiol

I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.

Russian political joke from time of the Russian Empire

A man in the street shouts: "Nicholas is a moron!" (Nicholas is a common Russian given name, it's also the name of two Russian emperors). He is naturally arrested by the police and charged with insulting the emperor. He tells the officer: "I meant another Nicholas". The officer answers: Do no be sil...

Last night I went dancing with the Tsars

Peter and Nicholas were great, but Ivan was terrible.

How does a lawyer sleep?

First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.

Credit: Nicholas Sparks from his book 'See Me' which I am reading now.

Three men and a phone

there are three men in a bar who are all just a bit drunk but in their senses. Their names are Billy, Nicholas, and Josh. A phone rings and Nicholas picks up. it was his girlfriend. she asks Nicholas if she can buy a brand new TV set with his money and he says why not, go ahead. she then asked if sh...

What do 85% of movies that don't hit the theaters all have in common?

Nicholas Cage

At the Pet Store.

Me: "Is this birdcage made from nickel?"

Shopkeeper: "No, I think its aluminium"

Me: "So there's no nickel in this cage?"

Shopkeeper: "Don't you dare!"

Me: "So itsa Nicholas Cage?"

Shopkeeper: "GET OUT!"

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Challenge: Change one letter in a move title to create a whole new blockbuster

Examples:

Pooper: BRUCE WILLIS finds out the hard way just how dangerous time travel can be.

Tar Trek: WILLIAM SHATNER's quest to go where no man has gone before to make Canada a major oil producer.

Gone with the Wine: Nicholas Cage drinks himself to death in the old south.
<...

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The man who knew everyone

There once was a man named Tom and one day he was bragging to his coworkers that he knew everyone who was anyone and everyone knew him. After a couple of weeks of hearing this, Tom's boss, Fred, decided to show that this was all a bunch of bullshit. Fred takes Tom to Hollywood and asks him to get Ni...

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I thought this sub was the appropriate place for some of these hard to believe real West Virginia Laws.

-If you wear a hat inside a theater, you may be fined.

-Roadkill may be taken home for supper.

-No children may attend school with their breath smelling of "wild onions."

-Doctors and dentists may not place a woman under anesthesia unless a third person is present.

-It...

The competition is realy hard among the rubber manufacturers

The british manufacturer says: During the renovation of the Big Ben, a worker fell down from the top of the tower, but his braces hitched into a ledge, so he survived. The british rubber industry is the best.
The american says: That is nothing. When the empire state building was built a worker al...

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Three men are travelling home on Christmas day together

As they round a corner their car goes head on into a tree and the three men are instantly killed. All three men arrive at the pearly gates at the same time and stand in a long queue waiting to receive St Peter’s judgement. While waiting, one of the men points ahead to front of the queue after notici...

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