Professor Martins at the University was giving a lecture on "Logic and Legality" to his first year students.

This day one of his students was perturbed because he had just received his results and was shocked that his professor had failed him.

After sitting through the lecture for an hour, the student raised his hand. "Professor, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

The profe...

George R. R. Martin, Patrick Rothfuss, and Scott Lynch walk into a bar

I'll finish writing the rest of this joke soon.

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

I hardly drive anywhere yet have recently bought a Ferrari, a BMW, an RX-7, a Mercedes-Benz and an Aston Martin.

I clearly have the car owner virus.

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.









Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?

Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?

Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?

Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!

Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!

What does Martin Sheen do when he gets mad at his daughter?

Rage Against The Ms. Sheen

The hippocampus is like the Martin Luther King Jr. part of the brain because it's always like ...

I have a dream!

What’s Dean Martin’s favourite eel?

That’s a moray.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Irish Tale

The daughter of a poor Irish farmer had not been home for over five years. When she did return, her father cursed her heavily.

“Where have ye been all this while, lass? Why did ye run off and not write us, not even a line? Why? Can ye not understand the pains you've poor ol' mother through? A...

It was a dark and rainy night and the stranger was soaked through to the skin

When he chanced upon a remote monastery. He went up and knocked on the old wooden door. There was nothing but silence from within. So he knocked again, this time a little louder. still, there was nothing but silence from within. So this time he hammered on the door with all his strength. And for the...

JFK, Ab. lincoln, & Martin luther king Jr walks into a bar

They get a few shots

Did you hear about the guy who was killed by an Aston Martin?

He got vanquished

George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

Why is Martin Short?

So he can lick Steve Martin’s tall boy without bending over.

What's the difference between St Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?

On St. Paddy's Day everyone wants to be Irish.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's your favorite one liner in 40 characters or less?

Want to embroider something fun into my jacket pocket, but only have 40 characters. As a big fan of stand up, was trying to fit a homage to my favorites with something from Mitch Hedberg or Demitri Martin in there... but alas, they're slightly too long. So figured I'd come to the experts here for...

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(NSFW) A horse and a baby chicken were playing in the barnyard...

...when the horse fell into some quicksand. The baby chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to find the farmer for assistance but he’s nowhere to be found. The baby chicken finds the farmer’s Aston Martin in the garage, however, so he backs it up to the quicksand. He then ties some rope around th...

I'm going my laundry on Monday instead of Sunday. I have the day off that day because of Martin Luther King day.

In the spirit of the holiday, I am not going to separate my colors from my whites.

In America Martin Luther King only gets one day....

And sharks get a whole week.


It's probably because they are great whites.

Martin was depressed

Martin was depressed because he never got girls. But then Martin became a director. Now Martin scores easy.

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I invented a new sex position " The G.R.R.Martin"

I give her the best foreplay and when she's ready to finish it's all just a slap in her face.

Why doesn't George R. R. Martin use Twitter?

He killed all 140 characters.

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I was just reading that Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by me in 2003, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.

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Paint my porch.

A man was walking out of his local hardware store when he saw a fairly attractive twenty-something year old female standing on the sidewalk holding a sign- “Will do ANYTHING for $20.”

He smirked, walked over to her and made her a proposition. She accepted, and he drove her to his house. Afte...

So The Beatles and their producer, George Martin, were in the studio......

Paul: Any ideas on how to end Hey Jude?

John: Nah

George: Nah

Ringo: Nah

George Martin: Nah

Paul: Perfect!

What do bras have in common with Martin Luther King??

Both focus on uplifting the downtrodden masses!!

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A nun is sitting on the bus when a hippie comes in and sits next to her...

After a while the hippie asks the nun "hey you, wanna fuck?" But the nun replies "no, God forbids it!" And she get's out on the next stop.
A few minutes later the hippie want's to get out too and right as he want's to leave the bus, the bus driver yells "hey you, hippie, come over here.
I hea...

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Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, and Adolf Hitler are all running in a race, who wins?

Hitler, cause he’s the racist

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Aston Martin.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

Just bought a set of twelve Steve Martin films at 75% off.

They were cheaper by the dozen.

I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin

It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.

Martin Love was a very successful fitness coach.

He was incredibly strict and his long list of 100 rules was infamous, but you couldn't argue with the results. People always reached their target weight within a month. But this required absolute obedience to the rules, and commitment to Martin Love's regime. To make sure people knew exactly what th...

My black friend told me I can't celebrate Martin Luther King Day because I am white

If that's true, then he can't celebrate Father's Day.

TIL When Steve Martin was 20 he had a ventriloquism act. The manager of a club where he performed had a tip for him.

"You have to hold the dummy closer to the mic."

From Steve Martin's interview on Seth Meyers' show.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Billy Martin story...

This is a story told by Mickey Mantle about Billy Martin and if you haven’t heard it, it’s worth the read:

Billy Martin was gifted a new rifle and asked Mickey if he would take him deer hunting. Mickey told him he knew a doctor with hundreds of acres they could hunt on. Billy couldn’t wait.<...

I had a dream that my friend Martin became the ruler of all bath sponges.

We called him Martin Loofah King.

Martin Shkreli's guilty verdict

Must be a tough pill for him to swallow.

Apparently "I'm sorry" and "My bad" are same thing

unless you're at a funeral

[Demetri martin]

I heard Martin Shkreli is sentenced to 7 years in prison, although originally he was going to serve 51 days

they raised it 5000%

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Louis Ck and Steve Martin have in common?

They both want you to watch The Jerk.

What did Martin Luther King say to his wife while proposing?

Will you be my Martin Luther Queen?

Best Buy's Martin Luther King Day sale leaked

50% off all black speakers

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A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"





Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."





Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."





Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"





Aga...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It's a real shame that, in this day and age, Barrack Obama had to give his speech about Martin Luther King Jr., while standing behind bullet proof glass...

Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot somebody...

A man named Martin is lost in the desert and came upon an oasis.

Upon stumbling into camp and drinking hastily from the well, the sheik of the oasis steps out of the largest tent and orders his guards to arrest him. The sheik explains that Martin has drunk from the precious little water left to the oasis and can either fight to the death with the sheik or dig and...

Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter?

There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.

I'm so jealous of Martin Luther King Jr.

Nobody ever wants to hear stories about my weird dreams

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke my dad sent me today but I translated it to English

Jack was bored out of his mind in the classroom on a friday afternoon, as were many of his friends. The teacher noticed this and came up with a small challenge to get their attention back to her.

"Alright, class. I tell you a famous saying and the first one to tell me who said it doesn't hav...

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

A maths teachers husband buys an Aston Martin.

He pulls up into the drive of their house, eagerly awaiting his wife's response.

Instead, she looks angry and horrified. She storm up to his window and says "You ALWAYS leech off of MY money!"

"W-What?"

"LOOK AT YOU! I don't know HOW you earned this car!"

"Why?"

"Y...

George R.R. Martin, Steven Moffat, and Joss Whedon walk into a bar.

Everyone you've ever loved dies.

Why did the bird refuse Martin Luther's food?

It was on a strict diet of worms.

Martin Scorcese dies and goes to heaven

He's met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. He says "God has been waiting for you to die. He is going to produce the greatest production in history and wants you to direct. He's signed Shakespeare to write the screenplay. Michelangelo is the art director. Beethoven is writing the music."
...

George Takei, George Clooney, George Lucas, and George R.R. Martin decided to have a barbecue.

They named their little get-together the "George" Four-Man Grill.

What's the difference between George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin?

Zimmerman can dodge a bullet.

Helo, my name is Ma-ma-ma-ma-martin.

"You stutter?"
"No, my father did and the registrar was an idiot."

Whats shoes do dogs like to wear?

Dog martins!

What is Martin Luther King's least favorite Christmas song?

I'm dreamin' of a white Christmas

Ricky Martin's endorsing a new diet

Livin La Vida Locarb

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A joke about Martin Luther King

Frank is on vacation in an oceanfront town, and lucks into a parking spot right near a pier. After taking in the view for a few minutes, he wanders into the small town and looks at the touristy shops. One antique shop catches his eye, so he walks in. Most of the stuff is pretty dusty and useless, bu...

Why would people always stand still to hide from Martin Luther King Jr.?

His vision was based on movements.

TIL that Martin Luther King Jr got a C in public speaking

Look where it got him.

Murdered.

What's Dean Martin's favorite eel?

That's a moray.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is such a bad joke but my brain made me write it out so I'm making all of you suffer, too.

A man named Martin absolutely hates elections, and when it comes time to elect a new mayor, or president, Martin never bothers to vote. He also makes it known to people that he hates elections and never participates in them. Martin is into cars, and constantly brags about his Ferrari, which also vex...

If The Jungle Book were written by George R.R. Martin...

Bagheera would have died saving Mowgli from the snake, Kaa. Mowgli would have fallen while fetching honey for Baloo and become paralyzed. Kaa would have been beheaded by a bitter rival from House Anaconda. Raksha, sending her cubs to seek refuge in the jungle, dies at the hands (paws) of Shere Khan....

Son: If you could save any famous person who would it be?

Daughter: Martin Luther King Jr.

Son: I would save the Rock.

Daughter: He’s not dead.

Son: You’re welcome.

Why did Martin Luther King have so many pink shirts?

He was against separating the whites from the coloreds.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

Connecting to a wifi named 'Martin Router King' ...

... and suddenly I have a stream.

[demetri martin] A drunk driver is very dangerous. Everybody knows that. But so is a drunk backseat driver

if he's persuasive.

"Go left."

-"Dude those are trees."

"trust me."

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