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Martin Jokes

George R.R. Martin (OC)

I met George R.R. Martin at a book signing a while back. It was very early in the morning and there weren’t that many people around, so I actually had the opportunity to chat with him a bit. I told him I’m a huge fan of his works, and that he’s always been an idol of mine, and that he inspired me to...

George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.

Edit: Apparently somebody posted this joke to Twitter in October and that makes me a piece of shit.

¯\\\_(ツ)_/¯

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.









Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?

Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?

Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?

Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!

Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!

George R. R. Martin, Patrick Rothfuss, and Scott Lynch walk into a bar

I'll finish writing the rest of this joke soon.

In America Martin Luther King only gets one day....

And sharks get a whole week.


It's probably because they are great whites.

Who makes the best acoustic guitars in the world? Martin! Martin who?

Martin, luthier king.

Why doesn't George R. R. Martin use Twitter?

He killed all 140 characters.

What do Martin Sheen and Donald Trump have in common?

They both played a president on TV

Happy Martin Lawrence Day

Mar 10

A woman is accused of beating her husband half to death with his guitar collection.

The judge looks down at her and asks, "First offender?"

The woman replies, "nope, first a Martin, then a Gibson, then a Fender."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher decides to let students out early if they can name the origin of a famous quote.

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"





Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."





Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."





Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"





Aga...

Why is Martin Short?

So he can lick Steve Martin’s tall boy without bending over.

Today I found out that my neighbour’s wifi is named Martin Router King.

In related news, …I have a stream today.

What did Dean Martin scream when he bumped an eel while scuba diving?

That’s Amorè!

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun is sitting on the bus when a hippie comes in and sits next to her...

After a while the hippie asks the nun "hey you, wanna fuck?" But the nun replies "no, God forbids it!" And she get's out on the next stop.
A few minutes later the hippie want's to get out too and right as he want's to leave the bus, the bus driver yells "hey you, hippie, come over here.
I hea...

Donald Trump showed up in Washington D.C. to celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr. Day!

Actually, he just heard the words "Washington D.C." and "King" and got excited.

The war in Afghanistan ended after 20 years, who won?

Raytheon, General Dynamics, Northrop Grumman, Boeing and Lockheed Martin

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Billy Martin story...

This is a story told by Mickey Mantle about Billy Martin and if you haven’t heard it, it’s worth the read:

Billy Martin was gifted a new rifle and asked Mickey if he would take him deer hunting. Mickey told him he knew a doctor with hundreds of acres they could hunt on. Billy couldn’t wait.<...

Martin was depressed

Martin was depressed because he never got girls. But then Martin became a director. Now Martin scores easy.

What's the difference between St Patrick's Day and Martin Luther King Day?

On St. Paddy's Day, everyone pretends to be Irish.

What’s Dean Martin’s favourite eel?

That’s a moray.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was just reading that Martin Scorsese's film "The Wolf of Wall Street" broke a record by using the word "Fuck" or "Fucking" 506 times.

That actually beats a record set by me in 2003, trying to put an Ikea wardrobe together.

JFK, Ab. lincoln, & Martin luther king Jr walks into a bar

They get a few shots

Martin Shkreli's guilty verdict

Must be a tough pill for him to swallow.

I had a dream that my friend Martin became the ruler of all bath sponges.

We called him Martin Loofah King.

I changed the name of my printer to George R. R. Martin

It's old, works slow, has issues finishing jobs, and constantly disappoints me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I invented a new sex position " The G.R.R.Martin"

I give her the best foreplay and when she's ready to finish it's all just a slap in her face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) A horse and a baby chicken were playing in the barnyard...

...when the horse fell into some quicksand. The baby chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to find the farmer for assistance but he’s nowhere to be found. The baby chicken finds the farmer’s Aston Martin in the garage, however, so he backs it up to the quicksand. He then ties some rope around th...

Why did Freddy Kruger kill Martin Luther King?

Cause he had a Dream.

What does Martin Sheen do when he gets mad at his daughter?

Rage Against The Ms. Sheen

Martin Love was a very successful fitness coach.

He was incredibly strict and his long list of 100 rules was infamous, but you couldn't argue with the results. People always reached their target weight within a month. But this required absolute obedience to the rules, and commitment to Martin Love's regime. To make sure people knew exactly what th...

Martin Luther was amazing at writing essays

He was known to NAIL them.

Apparently "I'm sorry" and "My bad" are same thing

unless you're at a funeral

[Demetri martin]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two cowboys walk into a bar and sit down for a drink.

A woman sitting next to them drinking her martin starts choking on her olive.

One cowboy says to the other cowboy, "I'm going to help that there woman." He looks at her and says, "Are you choking?" And she nods yes. "Do you want me to help you?" Again she nods yes.

With that, the cowbo...

Did you hear about the guy who was killed by an Aston Martin?

He got vanquished

What do bras have in common with Martin Luther King??

Both focus on uplifting the downtrodden masses!!

A young lad sees the Director of the company he works at park up in a brand new Aston Martin.

'Nice car' says the lad.

The Director looks at him coolly on the eye and says 'See this lad, if you work hard, do loads of unpaid hours and consistently exceed your punishing sales targets, well lad, this time next year ...... I can buy another one.'

My boss arrived at work in a brand-new Aston Martin.

I said, "Wow, that's an amazing car!"

He replied, "If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I'll get another one next year".

Best Buy's Martin Luther King Day sale leaked

50% off all black speakers

My black friend told me I can't celebrate Martin Luther King Day because I am white

If that's true, then he can't celebrate Father's Day.

Just bought a set of twelve Steve Martin films at 75% off.

They were cheaper by the dozen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Louis Ck and Steve Martin have in common?

They both want you to watch The Jerk.

A maths teachers husband buys an Aston Martin.

He pulls up into the drive of their house, eagerly awaiting his wife's response.

Instead, she looks angry and horrified. She storm up to his window and says "You ALWAYS leech off of MY money!"

"W-What?"

"LOOK AT YOU! I don't know HOW you earned this car!"

"Why?"

"Y...

So The Beatles and their producer, George Martin, were in the studio......

Paul: Any ideas on how to end Hey Jude?

John: Nah

George: Nah

Ringo: Nah

George Martin: Nah

Paul: Perfect!

What did Martin Luther King say to his wife while proposing?

Will you be my Martin Luther Queen?

I'm so jealous of Martin Luther King Jr.

Nobody ever wants to hear stories about my weird dreams

Martin Scorcese dies and goes to heaven

He's met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. He says "God has been waiting for you to die. He is going to produce the greatest production in history and wants you to direct. He's signed Shakespeare to write the screenplay. Michelangelo is the art director. Beethoven is writing the music."
...

What's Dean Martin's favorite eel?

That's a moray.

I hardly drive anywhere yet have recently bought a Ferrari, a BMW, an RX-7, a Mercedes-Benz and an Aston Martin.

I clearly have the car owner virus.

Why is George R.R. Martin really bad at using Twitter?

There's a limit to how many characters you are allowed to waste.

The hippocampus is like the Martin Luther King Jr. part of the brain because it's always like ...

I have a dream!

Why did the bird refuse Martin Luther's food?

It was on a strict diet of worms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela, and Adolf Hitler are all running in a race, who wins?

Hitler, cause he’s the racist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke about Martin Luther King

Frank is on vacation in an oceanfront town, and lucks into a parking spot right near a pier. After taking in the view for a few minutes, he wanders into the small town and looks at the touristy shops. One antique shop catches his eye, so he walks in. Most of the stuff is pretty dusty and useless, bu...

Why did Martin Luther King Jr. boycott laundry detergent?

Because it told him to keep his whites and colours separate.

Helo, my name is Ma-ma-ma-ma-martin.

"You stutter?"
"No, my father did and the registrar was an idiot."

What is Martin Luther King's least favorite Christmas song?

I'm dreamin' of a white Christmas

What's the difference between George Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin?

Zimmerman can dodge a bullet.

A man named Martin is lost in the desert and came upon an oasis.

Upon stumbling into camp and drinking hastily from the well, the sheik of the oasis steps out of the largest tent and orders his guards to arrest him. The sheik explains that Martin has drunk from the precious little water left to the oasis and can either fight to the death with the sheik or dig and...

I'm going my laundry on Monday instead of Sunday. I have the day off that day because of Martin Luther King day.

In the spirit of the holiday, I am not going to separate my colors from my whites.

Why did Martin Luther King have so many pink shirts?

He was against separating the whites from the coloreds.

If The Jungle Book were written by George R.R. Martin...

Bagheera would have died saving Mowgli from the snake, Kaa. Mowgli would have fallen while fetching honey for Baloo and become paralyzed. Kaa would have been beheaded by a bitter rival from House Anaconda. Raksha, sending her cubs to seek refuge in the jungle, dies at the hands (paws) of Shere Khan....

George R.R. Martin, Steven Moffat, and Joss Whedon walk into a bar.

Everyone you've ever loved dies.

Why would people always stand still to hide from Martin Luther King Jr.?

His vision was based on movements.

Writer's Strike is on.

George R.R. Martin and Patrick Rothfuss have joined it in solidarity with their fellow TV writers.

I heard Martin Shkreli is sentenced to 7 years in prison, although originally he was going to serve 51 days

they raised it 5000%

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