Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Ronald Reagan this November.

Oh sorry, I meant Joe Biden knows in his heart that he is the only one who can truly defeat Joe Biden this November.

The ghost of Ronald Reagan floats into a man's house

As he walks through the wall the man exclaims to his friend 'look dude! Holy s**t its Ronald Reagan! Head on upstairs Mr Reagan you can haunt the attic!'

A few minutes later another ghost floats in, this time its David Bowie. Again the guy yells in excitement 'Dude! It's David Bowie! Mr Bowie...

Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher and Mikhail Gorbachev are riding together on a plane

They fly over the Empire State Building and Reagan proudly boasts:

"See that? We built that in a few days from scratch!"

Then they fly over the Buckingham Palace and Thatcher proudly says:

"See that? That we built in a week!

When they got to Russia and flew over the Krem...

Apparently the Ronald Reagan library is burning at both ends.

But instead of fighting it directly, they should put out fires nearby and hope the water trickles down.

An American and a Russian are arguing about their two countries,

The American said, “Look, in my country I can walk into the Oval Office, I can pound the president’s desk and say, “Mr.President, I don’t like the way you’re running our country.”.”

And the Russian said, “I can do that.”

The American said, “You can?”

He says, “Yes, I can go into...

Ronald McDonald walks into a bar

and orders a McElob Ultra

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What's Ronald McDonald's favorite sex position?

The Cooter Pounder.

Is Ronald Reagan Ozai from Avatar?

Cause he seemed to have fired the air-controllers.

Why did Ronald lose the election?

People thought his elect Ron campaign was too negative

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A joke told by Ronald Reagan

Fidel Castro had just started one of his long, boring speeches when an older man in the crowd was heard saying, "Peanuts. Popcorn. Cracker Jack."

Castro didn't break his stride but a few minutes later, a second voice was heard but with the same message, "Peanuts. Popcorn. Cracker Jack."
...

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A little boy was sitting in class...

The teacher decided that since it was Friday afternoon, and there was nothing left to do for the week, she'd let the students go home early if they could answer a question correctly.

The teacher said: "Okay class, which president said: 'The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself'?"
...

A three legged chicken. (Said in a Ronald Reagan speech.)

A man was driving along a rural road one day when he saw a three legged chicken running down the road. He was amused enough to drive along side it for a while, as he was driving he noticed the chicken was running 30 mph.

Pretty fast chicken, he thought, I wonder just how fast it can run. So h...

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How can you tell Ronald McDonald at a nude beach?

He’s the one with the sesame seed buns.

Y'all heard what happened to Ronald McDonald?

He got beat up by five guys.

Donald duck walks into a bar...

Donald duck walks into a bar to escape the rain and orders a shot of wild Turkey. The bartender hands him his shot and Sparks up a conversation with the duck.
"Hi Mr duck how is your day going," asks the bartender?
"Oh I'm doing good bartender. I'm in and out of puddles all day and living the ...

How does Ronald McDonald introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

At the Washington Summit in 1987, US President Ronald Reagan asked Soviet General Secretary Mikhail Gorbachev in private if the rumored "Dead Hand" nuclear retaliation system really existed.

Gorbachev laughed and patted Reagan on the back, saying "no, comrade, is only blyat earth conspiracy."

How do you find Ronald McDonald in a room full of naked clowns?

The Sesame Seeds on his buns.

(According to my father this is the first joke I ever told, around 5yo.)

A Soviet joke Ronald Reagan once told

An American and a Russian are sitting in a bar, arguing over whose country was better. The American argues,

"See, in America, I am free to do whatever I want. If I wanted to, I could walk right into the White House, slam my fist on the President's desk, and say 'Mr. President, I don't like th...

Why was John F. Kennedy secretly a more successful actor than Ronald Reagan?

He always knew how to take the perfect headshot.

[OC, be gentle] Ronald McDonald snuck up on a Happy Meal and said, "Serve fries!!!"

The Happy Meal replied, "Nugget out of my face."

What's the difference between Ronald Reagan and Donald Trump?

Reagan helped tear down a wall.

If Ronald Reagan were alive today he would roll in his grave...

roll, scream, kick and so would you if you woke up in a casket.

Ronald Reagan, Bill Clinton, and Donald Trump go to heaven.

They are called before God’s throne. “Who are you, and what good did you do on earth?”, God asks Reagan. “I am Ronald Reagan, oh Lord, and I won the Cold War”, Reagan answers. “Very well”, God says, “Take the seat to my right.” He then turns to Clinton and asks him the same question. “I am Bill Clin...

Why did Ronald McDonald divorce his wife?

He found out she's now selling her McMuffin all day

Pennywise the clown to Ronald

"you disgust me Ronald, you're not even scary."

Ronald McDonald: "I've killed more people than you."

What's the favourite weapon of a Republican from outer space?

A Ronald Raygun.

What type of condoms does Ronald McDonald use?

McRibbed

Ronald McDonald runs for president. His slogan?

Make America's Weight A Gain.

Ronald Reagan was a funny guy...

Two Irish ladies were at the wake for their dear friend. "Poor Mollie," said the first woman, looking down at the body, "she had such a hard life. First she married Mike, who gave her five crying children in six years. He beat her and never worked a day in his life. Then Mike up and died, and she ma...

TIL Gerry Rafferty of Stealers Wheel is buried in the same graveyard as Ronald McDonald and Heath Ledger.

He has a clown to the left of him and a joker to the right.

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Donald Trump dies and when he gets to hell he sees the Devil

The Devil says to him, "Donald we've been expecting you. Unfortunately we are full right now and don't have room for you. But if you want I'll show you three rooms I could make available to you."

Trump agrees and the Devil opens the door to the first room and they see Richard Nixon endlessly...

Ronald Reagan's Memory

One day a reporter confronted Ronald Reagan about a previous statement he had made. "Mr. President, you said that you would resign if your memory started to fade," the reporter said. Reagan smiled and replied, "I don't remember saying that."

What is written on Ronald McDonald's gravestone?

McRIP

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A Farmer gets a Letter from his Neighbors

A humble farmer goes out to his mailbox, seeing that a letter has arrived.
"Dear Ronald J. Kse,
This year we have chosen you to be the host of this year's harvest reap! All you need to do is provide your humble farm as the place of the party, and we will all provide.
Thanks, your neighbors"...

Four former U.S. presidents...

Four former U.S. presidents are caught in a horrible tornado that hits a state funeral they’re all attending in Kansas.

Suddenly, all of them are blown off to Oz.

They finally make it to the Emerald City and come before the Great and Powerful Oz.

“What brings you before the grea...

Communism Joke (apparently it was one of Ronald Reagan's favorites)

A Soviet woman is trying to buy a Lada, one of the cheap automobiles made in the former Soviet Union. The dealer tells her that there is a shortage of these cars, despite their reputation for shoddy quality. Still, the woman insists on placing an order. The dealer gets out a large, dusty ledger and ...

Life at a snail’s pace

One day Ronald answered a knick at his door. He opened to find a snail. Disgusted, he flicked it off the stoop.
Three weeks later, there’s another knock at his door.
He opens to find the same snail.
“What’d you do that for??!!” the snail yells.

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The Mayor of a large Russian town is invited to stay with the Mayor of an American town

The two men drink expensive beer and spirits and wine all day, then all the next day and the next until they've drunk non-stop for two weeks.

So the Russian man says: "Ron, we've been drinking for two weeks, how can you possibly be able to pay for this?"

The American points out of the ...

Back in the Sovjet days a guy wants to buy a car

The guy goes up to the counter at the Ministry of buying cars.

Guy: I would like to buy a car.

Clerk: Sure thing but it will take 10 years for processing your request. Come back then and your car will be ready for you.

Guy: Ok, morning or afternoon?

Clerk: Huh? what diffe...

Chernobyl

Have you ever seen Ronald Reagan's response to the Chernobyl incident?

He thought the Russians were just "overreacting."

On a scale from Casey Anthony to Jerry Sandusky... how much do you like kids?...

Somewhere around a Ronald McDonald, I pretend to like them but slowly kill them with diabetes

Fidel Castro dies and goes to hell.

There he discovers that he has a choice: he can go to capitalist hell or to communist hell. Naturally, he wants to compare the two, so he goes over to capitalist hell.

There outside the door is the devil, who looks a bit like Ronald Reagan. “What’s it like in there?” asks Fidel. “Well,” the d...

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Fidel Castro was giving a speech to his people

Fidel Castro was giving a speech to the Cuban people in a large outdoor venue. Halfway through the speech he hears a vendor in the crowd, "popcorn, peanuts, soda..."
He ignores it and carries on with the speech.
He hears the same thing, "popcorn, peanuts, soda..."

Fidel gets frustrated...

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Celebrity Computer Viruses

Monica Lewinsky virus: Sucks all the memory out of your computer.

Ronald Reagan virus: Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

Mike Tyson virus: Quits after one byte.

Oprah Winfrey virus: Your 200MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 80MB, and then slowly expands to 300MB.<...

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For me, racism is the same as masturbating.

I don't approve of it, but I'm pretty damn good at it.

(Credits to Ronald Goedemondt)

Two Russian motorcycle cops are sitting on the side of the road.

This was a joke Ronald Reagan told about Gorbachev, but most people probably forgot about Gorbachev, so I made it about Putin.

These two Russian motorcycle cops are sitting on the side of a Russian highway. They both get a call from the Russian government telling them that every car caught s...

A man walks into a t-shirt store...

There are 3 shirts on display.

The first has a picture of Richard Nixon with a white mustache. Below the picture is titled "Got Milk."

The second tee shirt has a picture of Ronald Reagan with a white mustache. It is entitled "Forgot Milk."

The third tee shirt has a picture of M...

Heard this from my History Professor.

Ronald Reagan had such high regard for the office of President that his jacket was never off.

Bill Clinton had such high regard for the office of President that his pants were never on.

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