The director of the sperm bank summoned the blonde receptionist.

\-It's nice that you're polite to people who drop by here, he began, -but when they're on their way out again, I think you should say something other than, -"Thank you for coming!"-

A director wanted to make a movie about Batman, but sadly D.C. wouldn't allow him to film it.

He decided he would just make the movie anyway, but instead of using the character's real names he would take away the last letter of their names.

Batman became Batma and he fought crime with his trusty partners Alfre and Robi. The film then showed the dynamic duo and their butler fighting cr...

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One of my favourite jokes from one of my favourite movies, Desperado. Originally delivered by my favourite director, Quentin Tarantino

This guy comes into a bar, walks up to the bartender. Says, "Bartender, I got me a bet for you. I'm gonna bet you $300 that I can piss into that glass over there and not spill a single, solitary drop." The bartender looks. I mean, we're talking, like, this glass is like a good ten feet away. He says...

The movie Speed didn't have a director...

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

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I tried to find a porn director willing to hire me as a performer, but I couldn't...

Apparently I didn't look hard enough.

*(As you can probably tell by how stupid it is, I wrote this one myself.)*

Just got a job as Senior Director of Old McDonald's farm.

I'm their new CIEIO.

My 5th grade class took a field trip to a funeral home - the director told us this joke

Why do you always have an extra chair at a funeral?

For rigor mortis to set in.

Seriously....the funeral director told this joke to a bunch of 11 year olds.

Best movie director for COVID times?

Quentin Quarantino

The new director of the Natural History museum wanted to attract more people, so they started giving dinosaur vertebrae away to newcomers.

Everyone was taken aback.

What would you call a Hollywood film director who is isolating from Covid

Quentin Quarantino.

I was so nervous having to present my proposal to the board of directors that I ended up constipated.

Luckily, motion passed.

What do you give a director who's broken their arm?

A cast

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So we're putting on a performance of "The Pirates of Penzance" and the guys who's playing Samuel comes up to me and says "Mr Director"...

...and I say "Yes?"

and he says "This final scene where the Major-General sings 'Resume your ranks and legislative duties, And take my daughters, all of whom are beauties'. Which daughter do I get?"

"Not Mabel, obviously. She's with Frederic," I say. "And usually the Major-General hims...

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In the Beginning was the plan.

And then came the assumptions. And the assumptions were without form. And the plan was completely without substance. And the darkness was upon the face of the workers. And they spoke among themselves saying: “It is a crock of shit, and it stinketh.”

And the workers went unto their supervi...

Today I passed my exams to be a funeral director

Shame it's a dying trade

My boss would make a great FEMA Director

He shows up late and isn't a lot of help once he gets here.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what criteria were used to define a patient who is to be institutionalised.

'Well', said the Director. 'We fill up a bathtub and offer a teaspoon, a teacup, and a bucket to the patient to empty the bathtub.
'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. A normal person would choose the bucket.
'No,' answered the Director. 'A normal person would pull the plug.'
So what did y...

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At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.

A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.

The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acc...

I hate seeing directors make the same movie. It gets boring, I guess I'm...

Board of directors

The top executives of the Budweiser beer company decide they need a fresh, new marketing initiative. One suggests that the Catholic church, being a well known, global brand just like themselves, would be a suitable sponsorship partner, so they send two of their most persuasive directors to Rome.

They are granted an audience with the Pope and explain that they want a commercial link-up with the Vatican. This would, of course, involve some careful 'product placement'. What they suggest is that the words in the Lord's prayer , 'Give us this day our daily bread', be replaced with, 'Give us this...

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The director of a hospital was making rounds...

She asks the head nurse to accompany her.



They pass a ward where a man was vigorously stroking himself. The director asks "Why is that man masturbating?". The head nurse replies "Ma'am, that man has very rare condition. He has to cum every 4 hours to stay alive."



They d...

A politically-appointed medical research director had been busy pushing recruitment for round after round of hydroxychloroquine tests. After another poor result, a White House aide walked in. "Doctor, the President has demanded another HCQ test. Can you do it?"

The director sighs, rubs his temples, and sits back in his chair. "No. Quite frankly, I don't have the patients."

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

What did the director Christopher Nolan say to Tom Hardy when he asked him to cast in the movie Tenet ?

Sorry, Tom,.......it's Hardy.

A middle school band director named Joe is having trouble instructing his students to play their instruments.

One girl is being extremely difficult and cannot play the flute to save her life. Finally he walks over to her and hits her in the head with her flute, killing her. She dies instantly and he is sentenced to death by electrocution. The warden asks what he would like his last meal to be. Joe says "I'd...

When Peters learned that he was being fired, he went to see the head ofhuman resources.

Since I've been with the firm for so long," he said, "I think I deserve at least a letter of recommendation."
The human resources director agreed and said he'd have the letter that next day. The following morning, Peters found the letter on his desk. Itread, "Jonathan Peters worked for our compan...

In Church on Sunday morning, the preacher was standing up at the pulpit preaching a sermon. After speaking for about 10 minutes he said, "If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"

Then he talked some more and a little while later he said, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river!"
After that statement, he kept ranting and raving until about 15 minutes later when he said, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river!" Then he ta...

Did you hear about the director of the Department of Motor Vehicle who resigned on Tuesday?

He tried to resign on Monday, but found he'd been standing in the wrong line.

Go out camping during the lockdown to become a famous movie director.

Tentin Quarantino.

Dr. Anthony Fauci, Director of the U.S. National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, told the President: "This morning, 3 Brazilians were killed by Covid-19."

Trump's face went egg-shell white with shock. The blood drained from his face; and, to everyone’s amazement, he collapsed on the floor.

Minutes passed, and to everyone’s relief President Trump got up shakily and then sat back on his chair.

His staff was nothing less than stunned at thi...

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out....

Joe Biden was having his first briefing as president with the joint chiefs of staff. The topic was the an impending alien invasion, and more specifically an invasion by the aliens known as “the greys”

CIA director: “Sir, we have reason to believe that the greys are becoming a serious problem.”

Biden: “Really? Come on man. I mean, my wife has said that a couple times but I think they’re OK”

DOD director: “OK? Sir, if we don’t eliminate them all immediately, we may find ourselves in s...

Leonardo DiCaprio, George Clooney and Matthew McConaughey are sitting around discussing a movie they want to make.

DiCaprio says, “I’ll be the lead actor.”

Clooney says, “I guess I’ll be the director.”

McConaughey says, “I’ll write, I’ll write, I’ll write.”

A Mexican actor died while performing stunts for a movie.

During the funeral, his mother walks towards the director and says,

"Jesus died for your scenes."

What do you call a director who likes to camp inside during a pandemic?

Tentin Quarentino

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What’s the similarity between a medieval military engineer and a pornography director?

They always want the biggest breastworks.

I'm in love with the director of our local symphony...

...but she rejected my overtures.

My girlfriend has two version of the Kama Sutra, the original and the Director's Cut. One time I asked her what the difference was.

Apparently the author is Jewish

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A rich woman and a bank director.

So a woman walks into the bank looking to deposit her money, 2 000 000 dollars. The agent in the bank says he can't help her because it's too much money, so she needs to talk to the bank director, and she does.

Entering his office, he can't help it but to ask where the money is from. And he g...

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A director was explaining to the porn star what her role was

“Get a load of this guy”

An actor arrived for his rehearsal at the theatre.

As he looked around, an incredible feeling of deja vu swept over him.

Suddenly he realised the set seemed like a weird adaption of his apartment, the actress looked like an odd version of his wife, and the director sounded like an eerie rendition of his dad.

"Uncanny!" He thought. "I...

Sweet Aroma

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theater where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again. The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose...

A funeral director is standing at the edge of a cliff, about to jump

Funeral Director: I'm ruined! My funeral directory business has gone bankrupt! I will lose my home, my wife, my kids. I'm RUINED!!! RUINED!!!!!!!! Okay... on three, I jump. One... two... thr-

Man: What are you doing?

Funeral director: I'm about to commit suicide. You?

Man: Also ...

A man starts his new job at an insane asylum

He is given his orientation and at the very end asked if he has any questions.

“Yes, how do we know if a patient is ready to leave the asylum?”

“Well,” the director says. “We just ask them a simple question and based on their response determine if they need to stay longer.” The direct...

Why do funeral directors hold most services before 12 pm?

Because they're mourning people.

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A man is touring a hospital to see how they operate

before potentially donating a large sum of money. The director giving him the tour is taking him around and showing him all of the different rooms. As they're walking, they run into a man who's masturbating. The director apologizes to both the masturbating man as well as the potential donor. Once th...

4 Husbands

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director,"...

Whos a lumberjack's favorite director?

TiiimBuuuuurrrrton

Sean Connery arrives at a grand hotel ready for filming the next day

The director meets him, and is delighted "great to see you, Sean, its an honour to have you join us for this project" he says.

"The pleasure is mine" Sean replies, "though it's been a long drive and I'm tired. Is my room ready?"

"Of course, of course, I have your key right here", he sa...

The director of EA walks into a bar

*Download the punchline for only 4.99*

A woman bursts out of the examining room, screaming after her doctor tells her she is pregnant

The director of the clinic stops her and asks what the problem is. She tells him what happened and another doctor has her sit down and relax in another room while he marches down the hallway to where the woman’s doctor had informed her of the pregnancy.

“What is wrong with you? Mrs. Miller is...

I have a very important job in my company. I make sure that there are enough seats when the Directors meet.

Basically, I'm the Chairman of the Board.

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John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache

Had a case of cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him. "Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"E...

What do you call the row of marquees that the director of Once Upon A Time in Hollywood put up in his back-yard in response to the global pandemic?

Tents in quarantine-o.

Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are all hired to do movies about the big three classical music composers. The director gives them the choice on who they play.

Bruce shrugs and says, "I guess I'll be Beethoven".

Stallone thinks for a minute and says, "Eh, I'll be Mozart then."

Everyone then turns to Arnold who looks down with a sigh, "I'll be Bach".

Piece of British humour for you.

A woman goes to the funeral home to visit her late husband whose funeral is the next day.

Upon seeing the body, she says to the funeral director, “Oh, no, you've dressed him in a blue suit! He hated blue and I've given all his other suits to charity!”

The funeral director says, “I'm no...

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I have one question for porn directors who end scenes with a thirty second close-up of the dude's face.

Where the fuck do you get off?

Movie directors are the worst....

They're always going around making a scene.....

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A man is looking for a job and sees that the local zoo is searching for a zookeeper.

He goes for it but the director has a negative answer: "I'm so sorry but we just hired someone for the job but if you want, I can offer you something else. Our gorilla died this morning and tomorrow is Saturday so I can't get another gorilla that fast. If you want, we have a gorilla costume and if y...

My uncle, who is an army funeral director, almost became president of the United states.

Yes he was a barrack embalmer.

A motion picture crew is filming a Christmas movie.

A motion picture crew is filming a Christmas movie. The director wants to sprinkle white laundry soap flakes in front of the camera to simulate snowfall, so he sends his producer to the grocery store to buy some laundry soap.

The producer comes back several hours later. "It's the pandemic, ...

I was with a funeral director, planning my final arrangements. He asked me if I wanted to have a family viewing prior to the services.

I told him "Remains to be seen."

Two managing directors ...

Two managing directors are talking. "Tell me, Eric. How do you get your employees to show up so early every morning?"

Eric: "Very simple. I have 50 employees but only 40 parking spaces".

What is a funeral director’s favorite game?

Formaldehyde and go seek

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Three musicians and their wives are all killed in a terrible accident on their way to a music conference.

They are music teachers -- a band director, orchestra director, and choir director. They arrive at the pearly gates and, after a bit of a wait, St. Peter appears and asks them what they want. The one steps forward and says, "I'm a band director, and my wife and I just died and would like to get into...

James Gunn has been brought back as the director of Guardians Of The Galaxy 3

I guess you can unfire a Gunn.

“You’re a funeral director? That must be quite the undertaking.”

Yes I make a killing!

A CEO and his board of directors gather for a meeting

CEO: We need to stop testing our products on animals.


Board: Why? Shampoo companies do it all the time.





CEO: Yeah but we make hammers

Bob’s brother died so he went to the funeral director to make arrangements. She said, “To customize the experience please tell me what your brother enjoyed in life.” Bob said, “He liked getting BJ’s and smoking weed.”

The funeral director said, “Well . . . I guess a headstone would be appropriate.”

Funeral director: Are you sure you want a closed casket for your wife?

Schroedinger: Yep.

Why did the directors of the performance ask for a stage made out of Scrabble tiles?

So they could have a play on words.

What did the band director do to the kid who played in A minor?

He had him arrested.

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PIZZA GUY: Your total is $26.34

**ME:** I can’t afford that

**PIZZA GUY:** Well you’ll have to pay some other way.

**ME: [takes out wallet]** Wait I forgot I had 30 dollars.

**PORN DIRECTOR:** Cut! The fuck are you doing?

Why did the nercophiliac-narcoleptic funeral director get fired?

Because he fell asleep in the job.

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City.

A movie director is making a movie about a seal living in New York City. The director knows that the only chance of success is if he gets a very famous lead actor, so he pulls every connection he possibly can, and by a stroke of luck, he gets Jim Carrey to star the film!

The film crew creates...

Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

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Today I overheard a group of funeral directors bragging about their cars.

Mostly they were arguing about who has the most hearse power.

I was hired to be a stage director for a terrible play, so I decided to quit.

I left without making a scene.

The new Director of Public Transportation is obsessed with "green" fuels.

He's made all the buses run on thyme.

Problem with pay equality is that men tend to go for higer paying jobs

...like doctors or directors. While females tend to settle with lesser paying ones like female doctors or female directors.

So there was an angry band director...

His band wasn’t super good, but they managed. One day, they were rehearsing, when a flute player messes up a part. They keep messing it up, and he gets so frustrated he stabs the flautist to death with his baton.
He goes to prison, and gets sentenced to death by electric chair. Before he goes in...

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What do you call a Scandinavian porn director?

Pjorn.

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An upcoming director (Tim) is having dinner with two prestigious producers in a fancy restaurant,,

The director sees in the distance, Frank Sinatra walking into the men's bathroom. The director excuses himself and goes in after him. As Frank pees in one of the urinals the director approaches him and says "Mr Sinatra, I'm sorry to bother you, but there are two producers I'm trying to impress. Coul...

Bear Grylls: "Can we pause this interview? I got to take a pee break." *director agrees

Bear Grylls: "Thank god. I was damn thirsty."... \*opens a bottle of his own urine

After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why.

Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...

What would you get if the director of Pulp Fiction were to contract Ebola?

A quarantinable Quentin Tarantino.

One of my old theater director’s favorites

In an old, medieval village, there was a church, with a high bell tower. The bell hadn’t been rung in many a long year.

One day, a man with no arms finds the priest of the church and says, “Father, I’d like to be your official bell ringer.”

Confused, the priest responds “But how can y...

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Action movie editor

An action movie editor is in the editing room trimming a Keanu Reeves movie.

It’s filled with cool scenes on motorcycles, and hand-to-hand martial arts combat. But it’s long. The editor has to pull some scenes.

So he’s pulling scenes and removes a really cool scene involving a stuntma...

Binghamton University's Athletic Director compared the mens basketball team to a zoo. The Binghamton Zoo responded with the following letter:

I am tired of hearing that blight on Binghamton University, the men's basketball team, being referred to as a "zoo." The Binghamton Zoo at Ross Park has just received re-accreditation by the Association of Zoos and Aquariums, the industry's governing authority. We achieved this status by being in th...

[LONG][INSPIRING] America: The land of opportunity

Good Read!
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in New York walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located. He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director:
...

HR

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR director was tragically hit by a bus and died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven", said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a prob...

The director of the "Guardians of the Galaxy" series will not be making the third part

I guess Disney really knows how to fire a Gunn

"The total cost would be £3000," said the funeral director.

"And that includes digging the grave."

"Is that the whole thing?" I asked.

He replied, "Yes, that's the hole thing."

What did the director say when his dinner arrived?

That's a wrap.

Why wasn’t the director allowed to use a sword as a prop in his film adaption of a artillery book?

It wasn’t cannon

A Cherokee chief and a corporate director

A Cherokee chief, poorly dressed, and a corporate director in a fancy suit share a bench in Central Park.

The corporate guy notices that from time to time the chief is peeking at his paper bag, printed with a clever design, that rests at his feet.

“You like the bag?”

“Yes, fancy...

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A film director is getting ready early in the morning to start work.

It's 6am. There's a knock at his trailer door. He answers and a crew member tells him that they've been postponing too long and have to get to work asap.

The director knows this but appreciates the reminder. He only has time to get dressed, no brushing his teeth, no eating, nothing else. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to fire an Employee...

All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside.

Finally it was his turn to be summoned.

Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors s...

Me: "how do I get one of those singing groups?"

Director: "you mean a choir?"

Me: *exasperated sigh* yes, fine. How do aquire one of those singing groups?

Stephen Spielberg's Circumcision....

...the Directors Cut

A new guy starts working at the local mental asylum.

After giving him some general indications, the director tells him to ask any question he may have.

-Yes, director, I have one. How do we know if a patient is cured and ready to leave the asylum?

-Well -says the director-, once per year, we gather some of them and ask them a question. I...

How do you break up with a famous movie director?

You look him in the eyes and say, Joss we done.

On a film set, everyone is getting ready to start shooting, when the director calls for his assistant to bring him the script.

The assistant runs onto set and starts kicking over props, crawling around the floor and frantically pulling his hair.

As the assistant starts tearing off his clothes and shaking them around, the director thinks to himself, "He's lost the plot!"

Question: Can the President fire the Director of the FBI?

Yes, of course. If he can put Trump in office, President Putin can certainly fire Comey too.

I've only told my closest friend that I lost my job as a film director.

##

## I don't want to make a scene.

Holy Cow! I just found out I've been appointed to be communications director at the white house...

it's not that I'm qualified or anything, it's just my turn...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the director make a porno about meiosis?

Sex cells

What is the busiest industry in the World?

Funeral Directors.

And they say it's a dying trade?

What is “The Room” director Tommy Wiseau’s favorite town in California?

Ojai

r/jokes Rich Lawyer on a plane next to philanthropist

Rich lawyer is sitting in first class next to the head of a major charity organization.

Head of said charity takes the opportunity to introduce himself and the cause, but lawyer isn’t interested in giving. No surprise. He’s notoriously rich and not very friendly.

Finally, charity dire...

A famous casting director dies and ascends to heaven.

He comes to Saint Peter before the pearly gates, and Peter asks him, “Why should I allow you into heaven?”

The casting director smiles and says, “Because I’m without sin.”

Peter raises an eyebrow, and asks, “Are you?”

“Yes, I am. You see, just before I died, I worked on a mov...

A necromancer and a funeral director are at marriage counselling.

Counsellor: So, why are you guys here today?

Funeral Director: “He only wants me for my bodies!”

A hospital director catches up with a patient running bare foot from the building

Why did escape from the operating room? said the director

Because the nurse was saying: " it's ok be brave, it's just appendicitis it's a simple operation..."

So what? she was just trying to reassure you...

She was talking to the surgeon!

I finally popped the question! Everything was beautiful, music was playing, we were dressed to the nines. Her whole family was there! It felt like the perfect moment - She was so surprised!

So was the funeral director.

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