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Valentines Jokes

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"

I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My date for Valentines told me I had the biggest Willy she’d ever felt.

Turns out she was pulling my leg.

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There's love without sex and there's sex without love...

Then there's You, without either.

Happy Valentines

Bought my wife a new belt and bag for Valentines day,

The vacuum works just fine now.
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Valentines Day is on Monday

Funerals usually take place on Saturday and Sunday. After the burial the flowers will still be fresh. What you do with this information is up to you.

My Valentines Day so far has been going like a fairy tale.

Grimm.
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For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.

So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.
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A Valentines Poem

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Whitney Houston is dead
and iiiiiiieeeeiiiii will always love yoooouooooou
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Did my taxes on Valentines Day

It was the only way I was getting fucked today.

My favorite St. Valentines joke

A mother heard her daughter crying in her room, so she went in to see what was the matter.

"What's the matter, dear?"

"Oh, Mom, it's Valentine's Day and nobody loves me!"

The mother thought for a moment and said "Oh, cheer up dear, this isn't the only day nobody loves you!"
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I always thought my wife nagged me less un February because of Valentines Day.

Turns out it's because it only has 28 days.
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Valentines special! $500.00

We arrest you in front of your wife and release you on Sunday.
It includes fishing license, poles, boat fees, tent, beers and all necessities for the whole weekend.
We come in full police uniforms and blue lights.
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For valentines day, I bought my girlfriend beads for abacus.

It's the little things that count.
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Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.

It’s February 14th.
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I have a joke about Valentines

Most of you wont get it.
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Valentines day word

Q. Whats the most used word on Valentines day?

A. No
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Happy Valentines Day

My wife has gotten into prepping for the end of the world, so I’m doing my part to help out. Just bought a five year supply of condoms to keep on hand just in case the end of the world comes. That’s right, I bought the three pack!
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What’s the one gift zoophiles can’t give their significant other of Valentines Day?

Chocolate
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For the past 20 years I've received a Valentines card from the same secret admirer.

So I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year. First my granny dies and now this.
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My Cake Day joke: I finally got a girlfriend for Valentines Day!!!

Her name is Rejection.
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Had me a Barack Obama valentines day.

Obama self.
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I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day.

Eventually the post office fired me for it.
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Something on Valentines Day I just don't get...

Laid.
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Picked up two HOT girls on valentines day ...

First time i ever had two HOT GIRLS at the same time.

I love driving for UBER.
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Valentine's ♥

Keep it quiet but I’ve booked a table for me and the Mrs for Valentines Day. I think it’s gonna end in tears though.




She’s shit at snooker.

19 minutes until Valentines

If I kill myself right now, I'll get flowers later.
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Nsfw My wife said we can do anal for Valentines Day

It made my day but made her hole weak!

What did Barack Obama write inside his Valentines card?

"I'm glad I've got you Michelle; I didn't want to be Obamaself"
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The #1 thing a guy wants for Valentines Day is Sex...

... And #2 is for his wife to not find out.

I’m not sure what this “Valentines Day” thing is...

Does it mean the day before “Half-Price-Chocolate Day?”
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I bought my girlfriend a pink vibrator for valentines day.

She told me as long as she has me she won't need it. I told her "actually that's what I'm here to talk about"
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I received a bunch of flowers for valentines day, with the heads cut off

I think I was being stalked
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I finally found a date for Valentines day!

I wish I could write this in another sub
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Valentines day is here....

But i have nothing to be happy about ... things are so bad even my fantasies wanna be just friends.
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Today I got 150 Valentines cards, I was totally shocked and breathless

The security guard at Hallmark gave quite a chase!
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A Happy Valentines Day From the UK.

Wishing you all a happy Valentines day from the UK.
also lovingly known as Steak and blowjob day.

or
For us Singles
Pornhub & Handjob Day

Valentines Night Surprise.

My Wife was all exited when I told her that I had booked a table for Two for Valentines Night, I just hopes she likes Snooker.
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What do arguing couples have on Valentines day?

Reservations
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For Valentines Day, I’m getting anal.

My husband is going to clean the kitchen MY way, no matter how clean he thinks it is.

Remember proper protection this valentines day

Ensure your safeword is at least 8 characters long and has a fair mix of uppercase, lowercase and digits
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It's still Valentines day for another hour..

Roses are red
Violets are blue
No, they are violet
FTFY
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