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Mcdonald Jokes

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

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What's the similarity between a dick and a McDonald's burger?

They're both smaller and less-filling than advertised.

What type of computer does Ronald McDonald use?

A big mac

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big Mcsteak

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I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

"Old McDonald had some weed"

"He high, He high Hoe"

How do you find Ronald McDonald in the nudist camp?

He’s the one with sesame seeds on his buns.

Old McDonald had a farm...

2.71828 √(-1) 2.71828 √(-1) (5-5)

How many McDonalds workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because they can't climb the ladder.

*Edit: Wasn't my joke, it was a friends but I can't credit him since I don't know his account name*

Why wasn't there any McDonald's in the Roman Empire

There was too much Greece

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There's a cheap prostitute in town who works the corner by McDonald's

Quarter? Pound her.

Old McDonald had to hire a manager for the farm. The manager asked, "What's my title?"

McDonald said, "You're the C I E I O."

Ol mcdonald had a stroke

I-E-O-I-AAAAAAAAAAAA

What did Old McDonald call his farmhouse?

The McCrib

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

For all the people queuing for McDonalds

I was at the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and a young lady behind me leaned on her horn and started mouthing something because I was taking too long to place my order.

So when I got to the first window I paid for her order along with my own. The McDonalds worker must have told her w...

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A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.

The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who ...

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Old McDonald had Tourette’s

Ei aye ei aye

Cunt

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

A German man walks into a McDonald's in the United States...

After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonalds in Germany.

An American customer overhears the man's order, and he approaches the German man and says, "How could you be so stupid? you cannot order beer here." while lau...

What is Ronald McDonald's approach to dating?

Court her. Pound her.

Just got the job at the old McDonald farm...

I'm now the CIEIO

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A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....

"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"

Today, Ronald McDonald put a quarter in my expired parking meter ...

what a kind jester!

TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined.

Starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.

I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today...

His mom got really angry with me...

McDonalds was originally going to sell hot dogs...

They just felt like nobody would buy the mcweenie

McDonald's is planning on making a Shakespearen play

It's called McBeth

How do you find Ronald McDonald in a room full of naked clowns?

The Sesame Seeds on his buns.

(According to my father this is the first joke I ever told, around 5yo.)

What did the bear say to the other bear after Ronald McDonald ran away from him?

That’s the problem with fast food

"Old McDonald had a farm..."

sang the cheery repossession man.

Why McDonald's will always be popular with the ladies.

It's got the big D.

Yesterday McDonald gave the wrong food to the wrong customer.

It was a Big Mcstake!

Why did Old McDonald win all the awards?

Because he is out standing in his field.

What does McDonalds and your tinder hook-up have in common?

They don’t look as good as advertised but you’ll eat them anyways.

What Do Priests and McDonald have in common?

They both stick their meat in 10 year old buns.

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I went to McDonald's today. I smiled at the bloke and said "Can I have a small shake please?"

He told me to "Fuck off" and walked out of the men's toilets.

[OC, be gentle] Ronald McDonald snuck up on a Happy Meal and said, "Serve fries!!!"

The Happy Meal replied, "Nugget out of my face."

Old McDonald had a farm....

He then had a million dollar idea, hence the fast food joint.

Ronald McDonald runs for president. His slogan?

Make America's Weight A Gain.

TIL Gerry Rafferty of Stealers Wheel is buried in the same graveyard as Ronald McDonald and Heath Ledger.

He has a clown to the left of him and a joker to the right.

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I ordered two large fries at McDonald's

The bastards gave me 86 tiny ones

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what do woman and a McDonald's happy meal have in common?

They both can cum with a toy inside lol

How does Ronald McDonald introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.

There was a scotsman called Reginald Mcdonald

He was called that because if you reached up his kilt, he had 2 quater pounders. With cheese.

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I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today

His parents were pissed.

Why did Ronald McDonald divorce his wife?

He found out she's now selling her McMuffin all day

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My wife is in a coma - Norm McDonald NSFW

So my wife is in a coma, it's a real bad deal. The doctors have tried everything and they can't seem to bring her back.

The doctor recommended I try something unconventional , he said *"I've heard that oral sex can sometimes bring them out of it, if you're willing to give it a shot"*
<...

Inflation in the USA is so high at this point that...…

\- I recieved a predeclined credit card in the mail.
\- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
\- Exxon-Mobil fired 25 Congressmen.
\- McDonald's is selling the amazing 1/4 ouncer.
\- Angelina Jolie adopted a kid from the US.
\- Moms and Dad's in Beverly Hills let go of ...

How is working the fry station at McDonald's like studying Plato and Aristotle?

You really learn to appreciate ancient grease.

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A man walks into McDonald's to report a man soliciting sex in the parking lot.

The clerk asks him what happened, and he proceeds to tell them that there is a man in the parking lot offering a blowjob in exchange for a hamburger. The clerk lets the man know that they will inform the manager who will call the police and have the man removed. They then thank the man and ask him w...

An old couple walks into mcdonalds

An old couple walk into MacDonald. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one...

An elderly couple are at McDonald's

They order one meal between the 2 and go and sit down.

The guy in the booth next to them notices they've only got one meal and offers to buy them another one.

The elderly man says "no thank you we share everything"

So the elderly man then cuts the burger in half and gives half ...

Which clown has killed the most people?

Ronald McDonald

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What do McDonalds and pussy have in common?

It's generally frowned upon to eat in a Burger King.

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My daughter just got a job at mcdonalds

So my daughter got home from work and was in tears, she said it was so stressful and a customer was mean to her today.

She said he yelled at her and was so angry, she's never seen someone so furious before.

Now I'm a grown man so I think it can be a good thing if the world chews on you...

The Polish government is planning a manned space mission to the sun

When asked if they are afraid the mission will end in disaster, they responded, “no, we are not worried, we are going at night “.

(Credit the late great norm mcdonald)

I bought a bunch of shares of Old McDonald's farm.

I'm now the
#C-I-E-I-O

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What do a prostitute and McDonald's have in common?

More bang for your buck

If McDonalds sold fancy steaks they’d call them Filet Mc’gnons

...also it’s my 5 year cake day so shower me in internet points or however this works I dunno. Thanks!

I'm really looking forward to the world Cup themed McDonald's burger.

The Qatar pounder

What is Ronald Mcdonalds favourite weed type?

A burger joint

My math teacher told me I would be stuck working at McDonalds for the rest of my life

Jokes on her, I'm lovin' it

Listen up McDonald's employees!

If someone in the drive-thru ever says the is your refrigerator running-joke, just tell them that you don't need to catch it because you placed it on a treadmill :)

Enjoy!

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The New Yorker the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begi...

Three College Graduates in McDonald's

Three recent college graduates met in McDonald's, and the engineering major said, "Did you see the new wind turbines going up on the east side of town? They had asked our class to run some stress studies during windstorms as an exercise".

"Yes", the geology graduate said, "They also contacte...

McDonalds

Yesterday I wasn't that hungry, so I just ate a Kid's meal at McDonalds.

His mother was furious...

A frog goes into McDonald's and orderes a cheeseburger

The cashier looks at the frog and asks him: would you like flies with that sir?

My doctor recommended to eat at BurgerKing more often

Well he said I should not have McDonalds anymore, but I know what he meant.

Did you hear that McDonald's is implanting all of its employees with technology that gives them all a common hive mind?

They're calling themselves the Burg.

How do McDonald's employees protect their laptops?

They use McAfee

I went to McDonalds and Wendy’s and Burger Kings and all the fries were burnt!

Then I realized it’s Black Fryday

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TIL that McDonald's and police use the same training material.

It's a 5 step de-escalation procedure. You know, a kind that some corporate HR would come up. Ones with corny, forced acronyms. But this one actually works pretty well:

1. Believe
2. Listen
3. Apologize
4. Satisfy
5. Thank the customer

So when a customer gets all pissy abou...

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What's Ronald McDonald's favorite sex position?

The Cooter Pounder.

With McDonalds closing all around Russia I guess that means it is a..

..no fry zone.

(Credit to my dad for the joke)

I was at McDonald's yesterday eating a kids meal

Until his parents asked me to stop

I remember when McDonald's switched from styrofoam to cardboard and paper.

I'm still wondering when they're going to start using actual meat.

McDonalds just released a new sandwich made entirely of beef lips.

They're calling it the McJagger.

Every new McDonald's creates 40 new jobs.

20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons.

What's the difference between Donald Trump, and someone working at McDonald's ?

The guy working at McDonald's has to pay income taxes.

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday...

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35,"he replied.

"I'm actually 47," t...

Why doesn't McDonald's serve gourmet food?

Because that would be a McSteak.

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I was talking to my friend Jim when one of our mutual friends walks up with a giant pumpkin head….

We were both in awe so of coarse we asked what was up.

He responds “You won’t believe it, I found a genie, and I got 3 wishes!”

We both nodded skeptically and asked “For sure man. But your pumpkin hea….”

He cut us off to say “For my first wish I wished for a million dollars.”...

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McDonald's

Going to McDonald's for a salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.

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My Job Application for McDonalds

NAME: Kicky Pie   

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a yea...

I got fired from McDonald's for constantly eating what was in front of me

And I got fired from the gynecologist for the same reason

I went to McDonalds the other day.

I asked for two large fries but the idiot behind the counter just gave me a bunch of little ones.

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What's the difference between a McDonald's and anal?

McDonald's makes your day, anal makes your hole weak.

So McDonalds now have ‘The Alabama Chicken’

Even the chicken is inbred

What does Old McDonald's farm and an old Asian women's closet have in common?

There's a muumuu here, a muumuu there....

What types of large PC's do McDonalds workers use?

Big Macs

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Two Arab guys move to the US, and they have a friendly bet as to who would become more “Americanized” in a year.

After a year, the first guy: I just dropped off my kids at baseball practice, and I’m taking him to McDonalds later.

The second guy: Fuck off, towelhead!

Some students notice an elderly couple in the McDonald's with only one meal on the table...

"Excuse me," says one of the students, "I noticed that you only have one meal between you. If you'd like we could get another for you, it's no trouble."

"That's very kind of you," replies the elderly woman, "but you see, in our marriage my husband and I share everything. This is enough food f...

A man walks into McDonalds

The cashier says, “Hello sir! May I take your order? By the way sir, we don’t have any-”

The man interrupts, “Yes, can I get a, uh, Big Mac with large fries?”

“Sir, we don’t have any fries, would you like-“

“Oh, then can I get some small fries?”

The cashier sighs and roll...

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Two Muslim families move from Afghanistan to the US....

The fathers in each family make a bet to see who could be more Americanized after one year.

They meet a year later and the first father says, "I just took my son to baseball practice, had McDonalds for breakfast and I've racked up more debt than I'll ever be able to pay off."

The seco...

I went to McDonalds today...

The ice cream machine was working.

Why does McDonalds like to hire altar boys?

Because if you can turn on a priest, you can turn on a fryer.

So I went into Mcdonalds and ordered some fries.

There was a chubby girl working, she seemed busy and kinda stressed out. She informed me the fries are cooking, and will be ready in about 3 minutes. I told her "no problem" and waited for my fries. After a few minutes she brought me my order and said "sorry about the wait" I said "no problem ch...

A man walks into a McDonald's restaurant.

The cashier there notices his happiness and ask him why he's so happy to which the man responses with "I just graduated from Harvard, I'm excited to get a good job."

The cashier shakes his hand, "I'm also a Harvard graduate."

A old man walks into a McDonalds

He is bent over and shuffling slowly. He approaches the counter with great difficulty and orders an ice cream sundae.

The cashier asks "Crushed nuts?"

The old man replies, "No arthritis."

TIL: America has more museums than McDonald's

McDonald's only has a few museums

I wasn't allowed to use any "F" word.

That's how i ended up with " old McDonald had a arm "

A man orders a drink at McDonald's

Cashier: $1.08 sir

Man: Sure, I'll wait

I have started eating McDonalds after deciding to run a marathon.

I need some fast food

Confusion at McDonalds

When I got ready to pay for my breakfast, the cashier said "Strip down, facing me". I did just that. When the shrieking had died down, I found out she was referring to my debit card.

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