UPJOKE
mcconnellmcdonaldsmacdonaldglazieralbertralphthompsonbrucewalshjoelfrancisgibbswilliamstommycindy

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What's the similarity between a dick and a McDonald's burger?

They're both smaller and less-filling than advertised.

I saw a good looking guy at McDonalds spank his kid for throwing his fries on the ground.

So I threw my fries on the ground too

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I work in a factory that makes McDonalds french fries...

One of co-workers told me yesterday that he's always wanted to put his dick in the Potato Peeler. I tried to talk him out of it, but I could tell he had already made his mind up to do it. I saw him today; he was clearing out his desk. "So you went ahead and did it?" "Yeah, and I got caught, so they ...

Did you hear about McDonald's trying to get into the high end steakhouse market?

It was a Big Mcsteak

What type of computer does Ronald McDonald use?

A big mac

How do you find Ronald McDonald in the nudist camp?

He’s the one with sesame seeds on his buns.

Why wasn't there any McDonald's in the Roman Empire

There was too much Greece

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There's a cheap prostitute in town who works the corner by McDonald's

Quarter? Pound her.

I ate a kid’s meal at McDonalds yesterday.

I have to say, his mother sure overreacted.

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

McDonalds was originally going to sell hot dogs...

They just felt like nobody would buy the mcweenie

"Old McDonald had some weed"

"He high, He high Hoe"

Classic Norm McDonald

I wouldn’t necessarily call myself a fan of “steampunk,” but it’s certainly the healthiest way to prepare punk.

I'm really looking forward to the world Cup themed McDonald's burger.

The Qatar pounder

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I ordered two large fries at McDonald's

The bastards gave me 86 tiny ones

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A dyslexic boy is on his way home from training with his mam...."Can we stop at McDonald's mam? I'm starving" the boy asks. "If you can spell McDonald's we will stop on the way home ofcourse son" The boy pauses, composes himself and begins "M" "C" He begins to struggle....

"Ah fuck it mam let's have a KCF"

Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.

E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.

What is Ronald McDonald's approach to dating?

Court her. Pound her.

I went to McDonalds and Wendy’s and Burger Kings and all the fries were burnt!

Then I realized it’s Black Fryday

Ol mcdonald had a stroke

I-E-O-I-AAAAAAAAAAAA

I bought a bunch of shares of Old McDonald's farm.

I'm now the
#C-I-E-I-O

What did Old McDonald call his farmhouse?

The McCrib

How many McDonalds workers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, because they can't climb the ladder.

*Edit: Wasn't my joke, it was a friends but I can't credit him since I don't know his account name*

McDonald's is planning on making a Shakespearen play

It's called McBeth

Yesterday McDonald gave the wrong food to the wrong customer.

It was a Big Mcstake!

How is working at McDonald's like being an archaeologist in Athens?

You end up smelling like ancient grease.

With McDonalds closing all around Russia I guess that means it is a..

..no fry zone.

(Credit to my dad for the joke)

What does McDonalds and your tinder hook-up have in common?

They don’t look as good as advertised but you’ll eat them anyways.

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My daughter just got a job at mcdonalds

So my daughter got home from work and was in tears, she said it was so stressful and a customer was mean to her today.

She said he yelled at her and was so angry, she's never seen someone so furious before.

Now I'm a grown man so I think it can be a good thing if the world chews on you...

An elderly couple are at McDonald's

They order one meal between the 2 and go and sit down.

The guy in the booth next to them notices they've only got one meal and offers to buy them another one.

The elderly man says "no thank you we share everything"

So the elderly man then cuts the burger in half and gives half ...

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What do McDonalds and pussy have in common?

It's generally frowned upon to eat in a Burger King.

The Polish government is planning a manned space mission to the sun

When asked if they are afraid the mission will end in disaster, they responded, “no, we are not worried, we are going at night “.

(Credit the late great norm mcdonald)

Old McDonald had a farm...

2.71828 √(-1) 2.71828 √(-1) (5-5)

McDonald's drive-thru

So is that McDonald's is very busy I went through the drive-thru. I was deciding what I wanted to order. The person behind me kept honking yelling and screaming obscenities. I finished placing my order went up to the cashiers window. And said I would like to pay for the car behind me also. Paid for ...

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A McDonald's grill operator starts kicking off about being underpaid.

He begins to beat the shit out of the other staff. The police arrive and he kicks their ass. The FBI turn up and he whips their butt too. The CIA, the military, even the U.S. Navy SEALs can't stop the guy.

The manager thinks for a moment, then pushes another grill operator into the fray who ...

Why McDonald's will always be popular with the ladies.

It's got the big D.

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I ate a kid's meal at McDonald's today

His parents were pissed.

Why did Old McDonald win all the awards?

Because he is out standing in his field.

If McDonalds sold fancy steaks they’d call them Filet Mc’gnons

...also it’s my 5 year cake day so shower me in internet points or however this works I dunno. Thanks!

As a mcdonald's worker I get a lot of idiots going through drive through

As is common for mcdonalds the ice cream machine was down
a customer came in and asked for a strawberry shake, I told him the ice cream machine was down

he then asked for a fudge Sundae, I again told him the ice cream machine was down

next he asked for a vanilla cone, I told him the...

Today, Ronald McDonald put a quarter in my expired parking meter ...

what a kind jester!

McDonald's tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they learned from their McSteaks.

Three College Graduates in McDonald's

Three recent college graduates met in McDonald's, and the engineering major said, "Did you see the new wind turbines going up on the east side of town? They had asked our class to run some stress studies during windstorms as an exercise".

"Yes", the geology graduate said, "They also contacte...

A frog goes into McDonald's and orderes a cheeseburger

The cashier looks at the frog and asks him: would you like flies with that sir?

I was at McDonald's yesterday eating a kids meal

Until his parents asked me to stop

Just got the job at the old McDonald farm...

I'm now the CIEIO

McDonalds just released a new sandwich made entirely of beef lips.

They're calling it the McJagger.

What is Ronald Mcdonalds favourite weed type?

A burger joint

Jeffrey Dahmer and Armie Hammer are eating Ronald McDonald

Armie asks, "does this taste funny to you?" Jeffrey responds, "I think it's ginger."

Bob and his wife started dieting a week ago

Bob and his wife started dieting a week ago.
His wife proposed that they should have cheat day today.
She bought home McDonald's burger, KFC wings and Bob brought home his secretary

What did McDonalds call their new disappearing sandwich?

The McCaan Burger

My math teacher told me I would be stuck working at McDonalds for the rest of my life

Jokes on her, I'm lovin' it

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16yo with a part time job at McDonald's comes home in a new Porsche Panamera Turbo S.

His mom screams at him, "HOW THE HELL DID YOU BUY THAT PORSCHE, WE KNOW WHAT IT COSTS."

The 16yo says, "I got it from that old lady over there, she gave me it for $1.

His mom, steaming: OMG SHE MIGHT BE A RAPIST AND A CHILD ABUSER! LET'S GO SEE HER!!"

His dad goes to the old lad...

What does Old McDonald's farm and an old Asian women's closet have in common?

There's a muumuu here, a muumuu there....

I was with my wife at mcdonalds drive thru and after 3 mins when they gave her our order she began complaining how agonizingly long the wait was.

Turns out reminding her that last night she told me 3 mins was way to quick was not a good response

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What do a prostitute and McDonald's have in common?

More bang for your buck

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer.

A German tourist walks into a McDonald's in New York City and orders a beer. The New Yorker the line behind him immediately gives him the jab: "They don't serve BEER here, you MORON!"

The German fellow felt pretty stupid, but suddenly turns to the New Yorker with a surprised look, and begi...

I got fired from McDonald's for constantly eating what was in front of me

And I got fired from the gynecologist for the same reason

Every new McDonald's creates 40 new jobs.

20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons.

I remember when McDonald's switched from styrofoam to cardboard and paper.

I'm still wondering when they're going to start using actual meat.

Being 62, I wasn't surprise to find my first grey pubic hair today.

What surprised me was finding it in the McDonald's cheeseburger I had for lunch.

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TIL that McDonald's and police use the same training material.

It's a 5 step de-escalation procedure. You know, a kind that some corporate HR would come up. Ones with corny, forced acronyms. But this one actually works pretty well:

1. Believe
2. Listen
3. Apologize
4. Satisfy
5. Thank the customer

So when a customer gets all pissy abou...

TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined.

Starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.

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Old McDonald had Tourette’s

Ei aye ei aye

Cunt

Some students notice an elderly couple in the McDonald's with only one meal on the table...

"Excuse me," says one of the students, "I noticed that you only have one meal between you. If you'd like we could get another for you, it's no trouble."

"That's very kind of you," replies the elderly woman, "but you see, in our marriage my husband and I share everything. This is enough food f...

A Catholic priest and a Rabbi walk into a McDonald's

One day, a Catholic priest and a Rabbi walk into a McDonald's. The priest decides that he will order their meals while the Rabbi looks for a table. When the priest returns he hands the Rabbi a bacon cheeseburger. The next day the duo decide to go to McDonald's again but this time the Rabbi would ord...

How do McDonald's employees protect their laptops?

They use McAfee

There was a scotsman called Reginald Mcdonald

He was called that because if you reached up his kilt, he had 2 quater pounders. With cheese.

What's the difference between Donald Trump, and someone working at McDonald's ?

The guy working at McDonald's has to pay income taxes.

"Old McDonald had a farm..."

sang the cheery repossession man.

What do priests and McDonalds have in common?

They both put meat in 10 year old buns.

How do you find Ronald McDonald in a room full of naked clowns?

The Sesame Seeds on his buns.

(According to my father this is the first joke I ever told, around 5yo.)

How does Ronald McDonald introduce his wife?

Meet Patty.

McDonald’s fired CEO Steve Easterbrook has already got a new job at Old McDonalds farm

He's their CIEIO

What types of large PC's do McDonalds workers use?

Big Macs

Old McDonald had a farm....

He then had a million dollar idea, hence the fast food joint.

An old couple walks into mcdonalds

An old couple walk into MacDonald. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one...

I went to McDonalds the other day.

I asked for two large fries but the idiot behind the counter just gave me a bunch of little ones.

Why did Adam go to McDonalds

They’re selling the McRib sandwich again

Why did the McDonalds cashier beat up the customer and then strut around bragging about it until police arrived?

Someone ordered a McGregor

Why did Ronald McDonald divorce his wife?

He found out she's now selling her McMuffin all day

[OC, be gentle] Ronald McDonald snuck up on a Happy Meal and said, "Serve fries!!!"

The Happy Meal replied, "Nugget out of my face."

To celebrate Shakespeare's birthday this year, McDonalds are launching a new burger...

...called the McBeth.

With the success of BK's Impossible Whopper, McDonald's decided they needed a non-meat option too.

So they brought back the McRib.

A man walks into McDonalds

The cashier says, “Hello sir! May I take your order? By the way sir, we don’t have any-”

The man interrupts, “Yes, can I get a, uh, Big Mac with large fries?”

“Sir, we don’t have any fries, would you like-“

“Oh, then can I get some small fries?”

The cashier sighs and roll...

Ronald McDonald runs for president. His slogan?

Make America's Weight A Gain.

TIL Gerry Rafferty of Stealers Wheel is buried in the same graveyard as Ronald McDonald and Heath Ledger.

He has a clown to the left of him and a joker to the right.

McDonalds will soon be offering your choice of fillet steaks...

Big McStake

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My Job Application for McDonalds

NAME: Kicky Pie   

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a yea...

So McDonalds now have ‘The Alabama Chicken’

Even the chicken is inbred

Why does McDonalds like to hire altar boys?

Because if you can turn on a priest, you can turn on a fryer.

McDonald's just came out with a new energy drink

They called it McSquared

Shoutout to my teachers from high school who said I would work at McDonalds

I have my first shift on Monday.

TIL: America has more museums than McDonald's

McDonald's only has a few museums

I have started eating McDonalds after deciding to run a marathon.

I need some fast food

A Muslim lady was denied entrance into Mcdonalds today until she removes her hijab....

Should have gone to Burka king.

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I was in McDonald's today..

I smiled at the bloke and said "Can I have a small shake please?"

"Fuck off" came the reply as he quickly zipped his up jeans and walked away from the urinal.

The Genie offered me one wish. I asked for a McDonald's ice cream. When he told me the machine was broken and he couldn't do the impossible I got to pick another wish. I asked him for an original joke on reddit. He agreed to grant my wish but had one last question...

Would you like that in a cone or a cup?

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