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Birthday Jokes

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

Th...

I got a sweater on my birthday

I would have preferred a moaner or screamer.

For her birthday I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.

It's the little things that count.

It was my birthday yesterday, and I received $500 from all the cards I opened.

I really love working in a post office.

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted.



Happy cake day to me :)

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday

He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read

I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
...

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!

My girlfriend was really angry when I gave her a box of photos of all her old boyfriends for her birthday.

I don't know why, she said she wanted an ex box.

A lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 50th birthday by staying overnight in a really nice luxurious hotel..

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

Th...

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A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.

At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?"

The wife asks, "How does he know you?"

Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."

Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"

Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts team."

Next a stri...

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

What did the boy with no arms get for his Birthday ?

Don't know he hasn't opened it yet

I think the wife's got me a build-it-yourself scale model of a horse for my birthday next month.

I've just found a big piece of it hidden in her bedside drawer.

Most women would love to wake up on their birthday to the smell of fresh coffee, a nice breakfast, flowers and oral

But not my Sister.

I've only opened three birthday cards and I'm already £150 up!

God I love being a postman

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

Edit: oh wow, this was my first time karma whoring on my cake day and I honestly wasn’t expecting this much attention. Thank you for all the awards and sorry if I didn’t respond to all the messages.

Shoutout to u/sse2k for “letting” me repost his joke.

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday...

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results.

On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around.
As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35,"he replied.

"I'm actually 47," t...

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

....I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

Why did grandpas birthday only last a minute?

It was his sixty-second birthday

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just so people can wish them a happy birthday.

You won't catch me doing that today.

Birthdays are good for your health

Studies have shown that people with more birthdays live longer.

A little boy gets $5 for his birthday

He runs with it to the candy store and asks for $5 worth of candy.

The man behind the counter asks, “do you really think it’s wise to spend all your birthday money on candy?”

The little boy thinks about it for a moment and replies, “well, my grandpa did live to be 94...”

“By ea...

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I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

An Italian father wants to give his son a gun for his 18th birthday

"As is tradition in Italy, I'm going to give you a gun for your 18th birthday." The father says.

"But I don't want a gun. What about a nice watch? I would really like a watch, like a Rolex or something." The son replies.

"Son..." The father sighs, "This is an Italian tradition. You're ...

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

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I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video…

He wasn't happy when I started banging the doctor at my next visit.



Thanks, Johnny Sins.

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

21st birthday

A little boy is born with a terrible birth defect - he has only a head, no torso, no limbs.

On his 21st birthday, his friends take him to the bar to celebrate. One of them pours his first beer down his throat - and poof! All of a sudden, a neck and torso pop out of his head.

His fri...

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My gf asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and when I said "a threesome" she got me a sweater

The sex was fun but she definitely could've used deodorant.

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes int...

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It was my birthday…

Not that long ago I had a birthday. My girlfriend had no idea what to gift me. Then, on a whim, she said, “I know. Let’s watch a porn and we can do everything they do.” I was really excited until she fucked the pizza guy.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday

I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.

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For my birthday, my wife said she wanted to give me a sexy special treat...

...and she asked me which of her friends I'd like to have a threesome with.

Apparently, I was only supposed to give one name and now I'm spending my birthday in the ER with a broken arm and a black eye.

Grandpa’s 100th birthday party was not a huge success.

The family wheeled him in his chair out onto the lawn for a picnic. When he slowly started to lean to the right, his daughter stuffed a pillow on his right side to prop him up. A bit later, he started leaning to the left. His son straightened him up and stuffed a pillow on his left side. Soon he sta...

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Got a condom still unused from my 18th birthday, I'm 40...

Wish I'd used it because my kids are fucking annoying

Story of my divorce

Why did I get divorce, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy bi...

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A boy gets a motorcycle for his 18th birthday

This boy just turned 18, and for his birthday his dad gave him his vintage Harley Davidson and a jar of vaseline. The dad told his son, "Always keep this vaseline on you, and if it ever starts to rain put it on the body of the bike to keep the coat shiny".

The boy is super excited and ride...

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A woman comes home early from work to surprise her husband for his birthday.

She enters her house, walks up the stairs, and heads towards the direction of her bedroom. As she eagerly walks to her bedroom, her adrenaline was spiking, she was anticipating a very dirty night. She slowly opened the door and astonishingly, she saw two people on her bed covered with a blanket, wit...

I bought my son a puppy for his birthday, but I accidentally backed over him in the driveway and killed him...

Sure is gonna be tough raising this puppy without him.

Birthday card

I opened my birthday card and loads of rice fell out.

I knew right away who sent it...

It was my Uncle Ben.

I got my son a trampoline for his birthday but nooooooo..

... he just wants to sit in his wheelchair and cry ...

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...

and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday

That’s ridiculous, I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

Man: When is your birthday?

Woman: March 1st

*Man walks back and forth for a few seconds*

Man: Ok now tell me when’s your birthday

For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

The Sun's Birthday

It's the Sun's birthday, so the whole Solar system is thinking about gifts. Earth, after thinking for a while, decides to gift the Sun the element Technetium, since it's a gift that no other planet could have given. The party goes by, and the Sun accepts the Technetium graciously and politely.
<...

I actually just realized that cake day is your Reddit anniversary and not your birthday because of a notification I just got.

It’s me. I’m the joke.

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I bought my wife a dildo and a book for her birthday..

If she doesn't like the book she can go fuck herself.

What’s the most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday?

Forget it once

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

I just bought my son a trampoline for his birthday

But the ungrateful brat sat in his wheelchair and cried the whole time.

I love getting a BJ on my Birthday.

A good birthday joke really makes my day.

Mom's birthday gifts

3 guys, who were brothers, were all discussing what gifts they were getting for their elderly mother for her birthday.

The first brother, named Michael, said, "I bought mom her very own Lexus and chauffeur. She was always complaining about not being able to drive well."

Jeremy, the se...

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

It's my roomba's birthday.

**I'm bringing him to the beach and I'm just gonna let him go crazy**

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday

She replied „nothing would make me happier than a diamond necklace.“


So, I bought her nothing.

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When you give a dildo as a birthday gift...

Whether or not the recipient likes it, they can go fuck themselves.

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it was an old man's 100 th birthday

at the party a gorgeous 22 year old blond sits on his lap and says "it's your 100th birthday! that's amazing! I'm gonna give you super sex for the rest of the night!"
the old man thinks about it for a bit and replies "I'll take the soup"

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A millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 60th birthday.

During this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

“I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.”

The guests shakes their heads in disbelie...

Today is my 32nd birthday...

I am only celebrating for half a minute.

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It was my birthday the other day

My brother gave me a bottle of water with some dirt in the bottom. it was a pretty shit gift but I told him I appreciate the sediment.

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

My birthday is on 9/11

60 more days to go

My wife is turning 32 soon...

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

How are climate models like birthday cakes?

If you pay someone to bake you one, they can make it say whatever you want.

My girlfriend asked for something long and hard for her birthday.

So I got her a Chess set.

I got scolded on my birthday last month

Just because I went to the party in my birthday suit

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I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday...

But all the little shit did was sit in his wheelchair and cry.

PS:Not sure if this one has been on here before or not, a friend told it to me and I thought it should go here.

Why I fired my secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say,
"Happy Birthday!", and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone "Happy Birthday."
...

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The morning of my wife's birthday, I handed her her first gift.

As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a fucking wand! What do I want with a fucking wand?"

"It's not just any wand," I replied, "It's a magic wand!"

"Really?" she said. "What does it do?"

"Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words."

...

I asked Schrodinger's Cat and Pavlov's Dog if they'd got the invitation to my birthday party.

The cats a maybe and the dog said it didn't ring any bells.

If you think your life is scary, just imagine being a birthday cake.

Someone starts a fire right above your head, and then everyone starts singing.

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.



“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.



“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.



“Fifty ...

I went to a birthday party and told dad jokes

The jokes didn't go over well. I was asked to leave the orphanage.

"Daddy, what's a birthday suit?"

"That's the suit I wear for your mother's birthday."

I got 50 dollars from my mom...

She told me to take my brother to the movies, but not to bring him home before 6, so they had time to prepare his surprise birthday party.

That's the day I realized he was the favorite twin.

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It's my son's 18th birthday today

"All these presents are just for you!" I said

After ripping them open excitedly, he said "Dad, all these boxes are empty..."

"I know. Use them to pack your things and get the fuck out."

I brought cake and candy to my son's birthday celebration.

And that, officer, is why I told the hostess at Chuck E. Cheese's that I was the sugar daddy looking for my party boy.

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday.

She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?” He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop...

Birthday

Ralph was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have Barbie ...

Man’s wife was celebrating her birthday

Her husband made a nice candlelight dinner. It was gorgeous. At the end of the dinner she asks for her present.

Husband all happy says I was hoping you’d ask that, go to the window.

Woman goes to the window and asks “so what am I looking at?”

Her husband points and says do yo...

It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?

Because he was already stuffed...

Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song,...

What's the first way to know when you're growing old?

It's your birthday and the only ones who wish you happy birthday are your doctors.

(Not so much a joke. It's my birthday and guess who wished me happy birthday so far.)

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I ordered a box of dildos for my wife for her birthday.

When it arrived, she jumped frightfully when she opened the box. Guess you could say I gave her a case of the willies.

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It was Jim's birthday, and he was considered to be an "old man" by his friends standards. So, to liven him up a bit, Jim's friends decided to give him something special for his birthday. They bought him a hooker.

The call girl, as she preferred to be called, went to his house and knocked on the door.
When Jim answered, she said "Hi I'm your birthday present!"
Startled, he asked "What am I supposed to do with you?"
"I'm yours for super sex," she answers.
So Jim replied "Well, I'm 75 years old so I...

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Birthday Present.

I am Livid.

I ordered a silver jewellery case for my Wife's Birthday online.

But when it arrived someone had engraved the word "CUNT" on the back of it, I was Fuming.

I distinctly asked for it on the front.

My girlfriend forgot my birthday.

"I lost track of days," she explained. "I blame my period."

"Oh c'mon," I scoffed, "how can you blame your period?"

And she responded, "Because during that time of the month, one day bleeds into the next."

Timothy goes to a birthday party

A little boy named Timothy goes to a birthday party with his father. When he arrives, the hostess asks him, "How are you, Timmy?"

Timothy replies, "I'm good."

"I think you have the wrong word there," the host chuckles, wanting to correct his grammar.

"Eh, whatever," Timothy shru...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

A woman died at her office birthday party.

She said she wanted yellow cake. Long story short, we're not allowed to have any more parties at the nuclear plant.

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party,

So I made her and all her friends clean the house.

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How is a birthday card like a masturbating knight?

Both of them came in the mail.

I cut my birthday cake in half and ate both sides.

I wanted to halve my cake and eat it too

Today is my cake day

I asked my new girlfriend when her birthday was..

She said March 1st, So i walked round the room and asked her again...

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