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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y’know, one would have been enough.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 16 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries an...

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

When you register on your birthday, so at least somebody congratulates you.

It's not going well.

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I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video...

He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

I just got my son a flat peice of cardboard for his birthday

I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.

What do rats like on their birthday?

Mice cream and cake!

C'mon, you know the rules!!

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It’s a little boy’s seventh birthday.

For his birthday, his parents buy him a really superb cowboy outfit. I mean, it’s got everything: the boots, the spurs, the tiny plastic revolvers. The boy is thrilled; he doesn’t take the outfit off all day.

That evening, the little boy’s parents take him out to an ice cream parlor for a ...

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

My 5 yo son, Samuel, came up with this knock knock joke at his birthday and we were all in tears..

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Sam"

"Sam who?"

"Samwhere over the rainbow..."

My sister asked for a bath bomb for her birthday, so I gave her a toaster.

Same thing if you think about it.

How do you ruin a dragon's birthday party?

Tell him to blow out the candles on his cake.

A wife wants a fancy Porsche for her fiftieth birthday

She drops hints to her husband:

"You know we've had a really good year, heck, good decade, fiscally. For my birthday, I'm really hoping for something sleek, maybe baby blue. Something you can really step on and it'll go from 0 to 200 in like .2 seconds..."

The husband nods knowingly. S...

What do you call it when a Jewish dog has a birthday?

A bark Mitzvah

Dad: “For your birthday, do you want a new weight set or a new treadmill? Also, do you want to have a party at the beach or at the park? Or do you just wanna wait and see what we surprise you with?”

Son: “Weight and sea”

Dad: “okay we’ll just surprise you”

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to ...

My birthday was so beautiful

Even the cake was in Tiers





Obligatory cake day post :)

Hope you enjoy it.

I hope everyone is doing well during these tough times. Even if you’re not, that is completely understandable and valid. Just know, that I may not know you, but I am supporting you. Sendi...

For her birthday, I got my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of ringing.

She’s in for a rude awakening.

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday

He said it's the most violent book he's ever read

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I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Babes, **Jabba the Hutt** is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

Birthdays are good for you;

statistics have shown that people who have more of them live longer.

It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?

Because he was already stuffed...

Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!

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For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.

When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.

I bought my dad a fridge for his birthday

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it

A friend of mine said he wanted a man bag for his birthday

I told him I’d make him one at work and he seemed quite happy...

Just wait until he remembers I work at the morgue.

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[Nsfw] I was planning to buy a SUV for while. My birthday arrived and my wife said "Surprise, I got you SUV"

Elated I jumped "wow honey, you are the best....cant wait to go out and check it out!"

She said "No need. Its in the bag here. Socks Underwear & Viagra"

My girlfriend of two years dumped me on her birthday. I dont know why she was so mad, I got her EXACTLY what she asked for; 10 cents and a bell...

...upon further reflection, I may have misunderstood "a dime and ring", my bad.

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

Buddhist birthday wishes

Forget the past, you cannot change it.

Forget the future, you cannot know it.

Forget the present, I didn't bring you one.

A blonde went to city hall to register to vote. The clerk asked her, "When s your birthday?" She replied, 'June 10."

The clerk asked, "What year?"
The blonde said, "Every year."

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My sister got a fucking Cadillac on her birthday and all I got was an Amazon gift card.

It's fucking unfair, now I have to wait until my own birthday to get a good present.

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So it’s this guys 90th birthday, and his friends and family get him one of those big cakes with a stripper in it

So she pops out, looks him dead in the eye and asks “do you want some super sex?”

After thinking about it for a moment the old man looks up and says “well...I think I’ll take the soup”

Do you know what the guy with no hands got for his birthday present?

No?

Yeah, no one else does either, he hasn't succeeded in ripping the paper off of them yet.

It was my friends birthday so I bought him an elephant for his room

He said "thanks" and I replied "don't mention it"

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Birthday Presents

A rich man and a poor man are talking when the poor man says to the rich man, "My wife's birthday is this week and I don't know what to get her. What did you get your wife for her birthday?"

The rich man says, "I got her a diamond necklace and a Mercedes"

When the poor man asks why he ...

I asked my girlfriend when her birthday was and she said March 1st.

Been marching for half an hour now, and she still hasn’t told me.

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A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

It's little Johnny's birthday

And his parents say he can have whatever he wants. He first asks his dad if they can shower together. "sure, son. Just don't look down."

Johnny looks down. "what's that daddy?"

Quick to think, his father replies, "that's my limousine."

Later that night, little johnny asks his mo...

How would you tell someone that you want a demon for your birthday?

Asking for a fiend

[NSFW] I got a sweater for my birthday.

I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

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It was a man's 90th birthday and friends chipped in to get him a prostitute

It was a man's 90th birthday and friends chipped in to get him a prostitute.

She was dressed very sexy and she slowly danced in front of him.

Then she sat on his lap and whispered in his ear

"I'm here to give you Super Sex!!

The old guy smiled and said

"HMMMM, what...

I threw my girlfriend a bukakke birthday party...

Everybody came, you should have seen her face

My friend got me a telekinetic abacus for my birthday.

It wasn't my favorite present, but it's the thought that counts.

Why didn't Tom Hiddleston want a big birthday party?

He wanted to keep it Loki

Did you hear about that kid that got overwhelmed and burst into tears when his parents threw him a huge Thor themed 6th birthday party?

He wanted something a little more Loki.

Q: What's the easiest way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Forget it once !

The Russian doll that I got for my birthday has a terrible personality

It’s so full of itself

Here’s a classic jewish joke.

A mother brings her son two new ties as a birthday gift for her adult son. Later, in the evening the two meet for dinner and the son is wearing one of the ties. His mother takes one look at him and says, “You didn’t like the other tie?”

What! You forgot your wife's birthday?

"What! You forgot your wife's birthday?"

"Yes, I did."

"What did she say?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?".

"That's right. Nothing. For three weeks."

It is my wife's birthday tomorrow.

She's been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So I've bought her a magazine rack.

What did Tommy get when his birthday party was held during the epidemic?

Arrested

I am a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me LEGOs for my birthday.

I don’t know what to make of it.

It's BB Kings birthday and his girlfriend wants to surprise him...

...so, she goes to a tattoo parlor and gets a "B" tattooed on her right asscheek and a "B" tattooed on her left asscheek. Then, when BB gets home, she drops her pants, bends over and says, "SURPRISE!!" BB looks down and says, "Who's Bob?"

My 19 year-old son made a wish on his birthday...

The doctor told us it doesn't work like that anymore.

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday

All he does is scream about wanting back in his wheelchair

Why I Fired My Secretary

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.


I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.


As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alon...

Today is my wife's birthday, so I told her she didn't have to do the dishes.

I left them on the counter so she can do them tomorrow.



^(Seriously though, it is my wife's birthday.)

I was messing around at my great grandma's 100th birthday Party

So she asked me to act my age. I replied with "you should also act your age".

This is the story of how my Great Grandma's Birthday Party turned into her funeral.

I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday, but every time I bring it up...

...she changes the topic...

What does a pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey

A father is planning a birthday party for his son, who is a huge Phillies fan.

The father recently befriended a sports agent, so he reaches out:

"Hey Mike, my kid's birthday is coming up on the 27th and I wanted to see if you could pull some strings to have someone from the Phillies make an appearance at his party."

"Yeah, I think Shane Victorino is actually gonn...

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A dad with 3 daughters is preparing for his youngest daughter's 18th birthday

The dad being a cheap man every time one of his daughters turns 18 went to a baker that had a sale

"free cake and pie for girls turning 18"

The day after the party the dad asked his daughter about the pie, since he didn't see it anywhere, his daughter hadn't seen the pie either.
...

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

My best friend's mum passed away recently.

A month before his birthday too so that blew. On his birthday his dad asks me if I could help make a present which might remind him of his mum.
I was a bit apprehensive but I agreed. All I had to do was being a can of crushed tomatoes and some flour.


On his birthday, during the small ...

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

My girlfriend isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

I'm not sure how. I don't even know it's her birthday.

The funniest but meanest thing I heard a parent say to his kid on her birthday.

Forget about the past, you can't change it.

Forget about the future, you can't predict it.

Forget about the present, I didn't get you one.

Compassion

Sooo, my cousin just called and asked if I would loan her $300 to help her pay her rent. Those who know me know that I'm always willing to help out friends and family. I told her to give me some time to think about it and I would call her back. Before I called her back, my aunt called and told me ...

Yesterday was my birthday

...and it was like every other day. I woke up and went downstairs, the wife made me coffee and breakfast but didn't wish me a happy birthday.

I helped get the kids ready for school and dropped them off on the way to work, but they didn't wish me a happy birthday either.

I thought I w...

I forgot one of my daughter's birthday presents in the closet....

After six weeks, that pony really began to reek....

A wonderful birthday poem

**MARCUS:** Happy birthday, Bob. I have a poem for you.
**BOB:** Cool! Let me hear it!
**MARCUS:** Don’t worry about the past — you can’t change it.
Don’t worry about the future — you can’t predict it.
And don’t worry about the present — I didn’t get you one.

My birthday was in April, and 2020 made it a joke..

Same as my first cake day.

I wanted to give my brother a gift for his 40th birthday that says “It’s all downhill from here.”

He told me not to, he already has a picture of me.

Got the missus a new bag and belt for her birthday.

The Hoover works a treat now.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

What’s the best birthday present in the world?

A broken drum! You just can’t beat it!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!



*Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.*

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling rea...

I'll be celebrating my birthday next month, but only for half a minute.

It's my thirty second birthday after all.

A man decides to go to a bar where he sees a blonde woman.

Conversation begins and the two hit it off. The blonde eventually asks the man when his birthday is.

“March 1st,” the man replies. Suddenly, the blonde gets up and stomps around the bar before coming back to her seat.

“So when is your birthday?” the woman again asks.

Not bein...

Hunters Birthday Present

What do you give a hunter for his Birthday.

A Birthday pheasant

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house

Today is actually my birthday

People use to make fun of me for not having anyone at my parties... well look where they are now!
#quarantine

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A man recieves $500 for his birthday and decides to make a trip to his local brothel.

He walks inside the establishment and informs the madam that is is his birthday, so she offers him the birthday special. He hands over $250 and heads up the stairs entering the first room, to find a very attractive woman laying spread eagle on the bed.

Impressed by what the establishment has...

My wife asked what I was getting for her birthday. She got excited when I told I was thinking about a Switch.

She was livid when she unwrapped the divorce papers.

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An old guy wants to surprise his old wife in bed for her birthday

He grabs her, and they start making out. He slowly makes his way down, and starts giving her oral.

A few seconds later, he gets back up, and says “I’m sorry, I can’t stay down there anymore, it smells awful!”.

“No, it’s ok, I’m sorry... I think I have arthritis” says the wife.

...

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

Quarantine birthday

My birthdays in quarantine, but I’m not sad I had the exact number of people who came last year

A man walks into a bar with a fish under his arm...

He asked the barman if they sold any fish cakes. The barman said no and the man pouted. “That’s a shame,” he said, pointing to the fish, “it’s his birthday!”

It's my 97th Birthday party!!!

I keep getting invited to these things.

My AA sponsor said coke & hookers are not an appropriate Birthday gift..

So i took my business elsewhere!

how old did the brit turn on his birthday

FOR TEA!!!

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says: “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”

“Bernie,” she says. “I want a divorce”.

“My goodness,” he says. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party

That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin, not me.

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?

You can have your cake and eat it too!

TIL that anarchists don't celebrate birthdays

Because they don't believe in parties.

So my great grandfather gave me a special rifle for my birthday that was owned by a French soldier.

It was never fired and the barrel was dented

What did the ravioli play on his birthday?

Pasta Parcel.

Happy birthday to me. Or, as my dad likes to say...

"Happy nine months after *my* happy birthday"

X Æ A-12 not even gonna have any birthday parties...

Elon's just gonna release the patch notes

They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective

Don't believe me? Just wash

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For BB King's birthday his wife wanted to give him something very special. BB, as famous as he was, already had pretty much everything a person could want, money, fame and happiness.

BB's wife decided to get "BB" tattooed on her butt in such a way that a "B" is on each buttcheek. That night, after eating dinner and cake, she decided to give BB her gift. After explaining that her gift was very special, and that he'll see a very, very special name, she proceeded to bend over and p...

My parents said I can get a dinosaur for my birthday!!

Update: They gave me a parrot..

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pink ping pong balls

Once upon a time there was a father and a son. It was the son’s tenth birthday and his father said,

“Son, you are the most precious thing in the world to me. Whatever you ask for your birthday, you shall receive.”

His son replied,

“Dad, all I want for my birthday is a pink ping ...

Every year on my birthday, I go to the track and see what I can do in the mile run. I'm proud to say that yesterday, at the age of 62, I set a new personal record!

Half a mile!

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...

I told her not to get her hopes up.

"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

My mom just posted in our family group: "It's our fat ones birthday today!"

She is referring to our cat.

10 minutes later, I get a message from my dad: "Happy birthday kid."

I gave my late uncles widow a watch for her birthday.

Now shes just my uncles widow.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went to get a physical for her 40th birthday...

When she got home, she was telling her turd of a husband how it went. “The doctor said I was in great shape. As a matter of fact, he said I have the breasts of a 20 year old. “
“Oh yeah?” Said her grumpy husband-“what he say about your 40 year old ass?”
“Your name never came up,” she replied.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....

She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings" so I got her nothing

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