It was getting close to my wife’s birthday. She was looking at herself in the mirror. I asked her what she’d like for her birthday. She sighed and said I’d like to be eight again...

On the morning of her birthday. I woke up early and made her a nice big bowl of coco pops. I then took her to for a special trip to Legoland. On the way home we stopped at McDonald’s where I got her a Happy Meal together we a special McDonalds balloon. We then went to the cinema where they were pl...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

Edit: oh wow, this was my first time karma whoring on my cake day and I honestly wasn’t expecting this much attention. Thank you for all the awards and sorry if I didn’t respond to all the messages.

Shoutout to u/sse2k for “letting” me repost his joke.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said,

“You know, one would have been enough.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a fella who is talking To his body and says, I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday.

She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. I'm stumped." His buddy says, "I have an idea. Why don't you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She'll probably be thrilled!" The first fellow does just that. The next d...

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

Bob and a few of his coworkers go out to lunch to celebrate Bob's birthday.

Bob, Tim, and Susan are sitting together in the booth when the waitress approaches. She hands them their menus and says, "Good afternoon fellas! Welcome to Ruby Taste Kitchen! Before we get started, might I ask if you're here to celebrate a special occasion?"

Susan pipes up, "It's Bob's birth...

For my wife's birthday I bought her the fancy new fridge that she wanted

You should have seen her face light up when she opened it

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby
reservation that was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile
dysfunction.After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The medicine m...

I dated a girl that has the same birthday as my mother once...

Let me tell you, you do not want to get those gifts mixed up! I got them both a pearl necklace.

It was a 14 year olds birthday

It was a 14 year olds birthday and his family was very poor, and could only afford one gift for him. His father wanted to get him a new toy to play with, his mother wanted to get him new clothes, so they decided to compromise and get him coveralls with the pockets cut out.


(My grandpa tol...

A Girl Was About to Celebrate her 18th Birthday

The mother asked the girl what would she like as a gift.

As the girl was not materialistic, she said even a heartfelt message that will make her cry will suffice.

And the mother said "you're adopted".

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?

You can have your cake and eat it too!

I actually just realized that cake day is your reddit anniversary and not your birthday because of a notification I just got

It’s me. I’m the joke

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened. 

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

Best birthday gift ever

A guy turns 50 and his friends find the perfect gift for him, a 1 hour session with a hooker that can sing and give head at the same time.

The birthday arrives and after he hears what his gift him he gets all excited, goes to the specified house and knocks on the door.

The lady on the ...

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from hisgrandmother,

he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight andheaded for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with waterguns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Birthday Gift For My Dad

This conversation has to have come up before with these devices. I generally don't have much wit, but my Dad pitched me such a lob, I couldn't resist to nail him with the "obvious."

I called my Dad to ask him if he might like a set of Tile Stickers. These are cool little devices you can stick...

Wife asks for a fast birthday gift

Husband: “What do you want for your birthday?”

Wife: “oh just surprise me with something in the driveway that goes from 0-200 in under 10 seconds”

Wife’s birthday comes and husband blindfolds her and leaders her out to the driveway

Husband: “okay look.”, He says

Wife ...

My wife asked me what I wanted for my 50th birthday.

"Honey, what I want money cannot buy"

With a wink in her eye, she asked, "oh, what is it then?"

A PS5

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into ...

Bought my sister a trampoline for her birthday.

But what does this ungrateful thing do? Sits next to it in her wheelchair and cries.

In honor of the father of fractals’ 96th birthday: What does the B in Benoit B. Mandelbrot’s name stand for?

It stands for Benoit B. Mandelbrot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is sitting alone on his birthday in a retirement home when he hears a knock at the door

He opens it to find a beautiful woman, immodestly dressed, smiling at him. She says, "I hear it's your birthday. Your friends here have hired me to give you super sex."

"I'm sure you're very good at what you do, miss," the man says. "But at my age, I'll take the soup."

For my birthday I bought a pair of ghost bumblee earrings.

This way my face can always be between a pair of boo-bees.

Why did the birthday boy wrap himself in wrapping paper?

So he could live in the present.

I didn’t get the Xbox Series X I wanted for my birthday.

I need someone to console me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video...

He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

An Irishman took his son to the bar on his birthday to buy him his first drink.

The father bought his son a stout, but he didn't like it and didn't want to drink it.

The father decided to drink it for him and ordered an ale instead.

He didn't like it either. So, the father drank it and ordered him a cider.

Lager, cider, cream ale... he didn't like any of ...

What do mice eat on their birthdays?

Cheesecake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Old Lady Checked Into A Motel on her 70th birthday.

She was a bit lone and thought,

“I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in the brochures for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full-page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing i...

Without telling my wife, I bought a gaming pc for my son as a birthday gift. Check out the specs: Intel Core i7 10700K, MSI MPG Z490 Gaming Carbon WiFi, Nvidia GeForce RTX 2080 Super, G.Skill TridentZ RGB 4x16 DDR4-4000, Samsung 970 Evo 1TB, Corsair RM850x, Cooler Master MasterLiquid ML240R RGB

He is turning one tomorrow.

It's my roomba's birthday.

**I'm bringing him to the beach and I'm just gonna let him go crazy**

I asked my wife what she wanted as a birthday gift

She's been into formula 1 lately so she said: "I want something that goes from 0-120 in 3 seconds"



So I gave her a scale


>!Yeah it only works for kg and kmph!<

What did the anti-vaxxer get for his 5th birthday?

A funeral.

Why was the eight year old cancer patient so excited for their birthday?

They were ready to benign

When Kanye West ran for president he created his own political party called the Birthday Party. He calls it the birthday party because he says “Every day will feel like your birthday when we win”.

True story

Did you know that birthdays are actually good for your health?

Studies have shown that a person who has more birthdays live the longest

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandmother loved to cook meat so my parents bought her a boning knife for her birthday.

Everybody laughed when she unwrapped the package, held up the knife, and said sweetly, “I’ve got a six-inch boner!”

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

my wife celebrated my 69th birthday with me

I'm afraid we're stuck in this position until help arrives

I just got my son a flat peice of cardboard for his birthday

I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.

A blond lady gets 3 fishes for her birthday from her brother...

Her brother finds them dead the day later.he asks her :

"Have you fed them?"

She replies:


"Yes! I even followed the rule of not letting them go swimming for 20 minutes after eating!"

I saw a little kid crying. He told me he lost the $200 he had saved for his mom's birthday gift. So I opened my wallet and gave him $40

Why not? Just five minutes earlier, I found ten $20 bills!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Babes, **Jabba the Hutt** is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

What does everybody in the world get for their birthday?

Older

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" ...

When you go to a regular birthday party, there’s one cake

When you go to Nicki Minaj’s birthday party, there’s *two* cakes

Birthdays are good for you.

The more you have, the longer you live.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s a little boy’s seventh birthday.

For his birthday, his parents buy him a really superb cowboy outfit. I mean, it’s got everything: the boots, the spurs, the tiny plastic revolvers. The boy is thrilled; he doesn’t take the outfit off all day.

That evening, the little boy’s parents take him out to an ice cream parlor for a ...

When I was a preteen, I watched a lot of anime, and really really wanted a katana, so when I finally got one for my birthday, I was so elated, but I only played with it once.

And then all I wanted was grandma back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just got an e-mail saying "On the occasion of Prophet Muhammad's (PBUH) birthday, please be advised that xxx office will be closed on Thursday,29th October 2020.."

So tempted to reply "Pics or it didn't happen".

When you register on your birthday, so at least somebody congratulates you.

It's not going well.

Why did no one give Elsa a balloon for her birthday?

Because she'll just Let It Go.

told to me by a 7yo that thought it was the funniest thing they've ever heard.

A wife wants a fancy Porsche for her fiftieth birthday

She drops hints to her husband:

"You know we've had a really good year, heck, good decade, fiscally. For my birthday, I'm really hoping for something sleek, maybe baby blue. Something you can really step on and it'll go from 0 to 200 in like .2 seconds..."

The husband nods knowingly. S...

“Doctor, my eyes burn every time I eat birthday cake.”

Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

The worst thing about birthdays and drugs....

If you have too many, they will kill you!

What do rats like on their birthday?

Mice cream and cake!

C'mon, you know the rules!!

I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

I asked my cousin how he feels about his birthday being 9/11...

He said it's great because everyone remembers it's his birthday.

They "never forget"

It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?

Because he was already stuffed...

Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!

The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

The Blind Sales Clerk

A woman goes into Cabela’s to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She says to him, “Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about...

Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.

Johnny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did. Johnny's mother wanted Johnny to reflect on his behavior over the last year. "Go to your room, Johnny, and think about how you have behaved this year. Then write a letter to ...

My sister asked for a bath bomb for her birthday, so I gave her a toaster.

Same thing if you think about it.

My 5 yo son, Samuel, came up with this knock knock joke at his birthday and we were all in tears..

"Knock knock"

"Who's there?"

"Sam"

"Sam who?"

"Samwhere over the rainbow..."

All I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I’m having a hard time dealing with this.

Someone saw an ad stating "I make your excellent birthday parties or weddings even better " then got curios and called the number on the ad then asked.

\- What do you do to make good birthday parties or weddings even better?

\- I sing on the cake.



Note: just a little cake day joke.

I asked my wife for an audiobook for my birthday, but she got me an encyclopedia instead.

That spoke volumes.

My birthday was so beautiful

Even the cake was in Tiers





Obligatory cake day post :)

Hope you enjoy it.

I hope everyone is doing well during these tough times. Even if you’re not, that is completely understandable and valid. Just know, that I may not know you, but I am supporting you. Sendi...

[NSFW] I got a sweater for my birthday.

I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.

An arab teenager told his parents he wanted C4 for his birthday.

When the day came his parents gave him a neatly wrapped box...






The boy opened it hastily and was overjoyed to find inside the keys to a brand new Citroën. What did you expect?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him.

When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.

How do you ruin a dragon's birthday party?

Tell him to blow out the candles on his cake.

A blonde went to city hall to register to vote. The clerk asked her, "When s your birthday?" She replied, 'June 10."

The clerk asked, "What year?"
The blonde said, "Every year."

What do you call it when a Jewish dog has a birthday?

A bark Mitzvah

It was a man's birthday.

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She ask...

The lions birthday is coming up and he wants entertainment.

The lion’s birthday is coming up and he wants entertainment.

So he tells the zebra to find the funniest animal in the whole kingdom. In order to do this the zebra decides to hold a competition in which animals will have to compete in front of a judge. Whoever the first one to makemake the jud...

Stevie Wonder got a cheese grater for his birthday

He said it's the most violent book he's ever read

For her birthday, I got my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of ringing.

She’s in for a rude awakening.

Once upon a time, in a magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning

Young Timmy rushed out on Christmas morning, anticipating that he'd be getting a new Nintendo Console this year.

"Surprise!" shouted his parents. "We know you wanted video games, but we think you need to get outdoors more. We got you this set of fishing gear! Unfortunately, it was rather expe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birthday Presents

A rich man and a poor man are talking when the poor man says to the rich man, "My wife's birthday is this week and I don't know what to get her. What did you get your wife for her birthday?"

The rich man says, "I got her a diamond necklace and a Mercedes"

When the poor man asks why he ...

My girlfriend of two years dumped me on her birthday. I dont know why she was so mad, I got her EXACTLY what she asked for; 10 cents and a bell...

...upon further reflection, I may have misunderstood "a dime and ring", my bad.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Nsfw] I was planning to buy a SUV for while. My birthday arrived and my wife said "Surprise, I got you SUV"

Elated I jumped "wow honey, you are the best....cant wait to go out and check it out!"

She said "No need. Its in the bag here. Socks Underwear & Viagra"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A fellow stuck in a coronavirus outbreak, prayed to God for help.

Soon the head of the WHO came by. He said “Try social distancing! It can save you!”

The fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me.” So the head of the WHO went on.

Then Dr. Fauci came by and told the man “Wear a mask! It can save you!”

The ...

A friend of mine said he wanted a man bag for his birthday

I told him I’d make him one at work and he seemed quite happy...

Just wait until he remembers I work at the morgue.

What does Earth get on Earth day ?

A birthday quake !

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sister got a fucking Cadillac on her birthday and all I got was an Amazon gift card.

It's fucking unfair, now I have to wait until my own birthday to get a good present.

I am a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me LEGOs for my birthday.

I don’t know what to make of it.

Buddhist birthday wishes

Forget the past, you cannot change it.

Forget the future, you cannot know it.

Forget the present, I didn't bring you one.

It was my friends birthday so I bought him an elephant for his room

He said "thanks" and I replied "don't mention it"

What do you get Jerry Falwell Jr. for his birthday?

A watch. Badoom-tiss!

Do you know what the guy with no hands got for his birthday present?

No?

Yeah, no one else does either, he hasn't succeeded in ripping the paper off of them yet.

My friend got me a telekinetic abacus for my birthday.

It wasn't my favorite present, but it's the thought that counts.

I asked my girlfriend when her birthday was and she said March 1st.

Been marching for half an hour now, and she still hasn’t told me.

The Russian doll that I got for my birthday has a terrible personality

It’s so full of itself

Teach a man a joke and he will laugh for a day

Teach a redditor a joke and they will repost it for a lifetime!



What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!

Its cake and y'all know the rules!

What did Tommy get when his birthday party was held during the epidemic?

Arrested

Did you hear about that kid that got overwhelmed and burst into tears when his parents threw him a huge Thor themed 6th birthday party?

He wanted something a little more Loki.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Today is my wife's birthday, so I told her she didn't have to do the dishes.

I left them on the counter so she can do them tomorrow.



^(Seriously though, it is my wife's birthday.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So it’s this guys 90th birthday, and his friends and family get him one of those big cakes with a stripper in it

So she pops out, looks him dead in the eye and asks “do you want some super sex?”

After thinking about it for a moment the old man looks up and says “well...I think I’ll take the soup”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dave loses his Licence

There was this guy David, just turned eighteen, the last three months all he's been talking about is his birthday, about tonight, all his mates are coming along to the local, his mum's coming, his dad, his sisters and brothers, guys from school, guys from work, his girlfriend, her mum, her dad, it's...

How would you tell someone that you want a demon for your birthday?

Asking for a fiend

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!



*Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.*

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

Why didn't Tom Hiddleston want a big birthday party?

He wanted to keep it Loki

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was a man's 90th birthday and friends chipped in to get him a prostitute

It was a man's 90th birthday and friends chipped in to get him a prostitute.

She was dressed very sexy and she slowly danced in front of him.

Then she sat on his lap and whispered in his ear

"I'm here to give you Super Sex!!

The old guy smiled and said

"HMMMM, what...

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey.

Q: What's the easiest way to remember your wife's birthday?

A: Forget it once !

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen lost her husband almost four years ago and still hadn’t gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.

Finally, Karen surrendered. With some courage, she told her family members that she will go out again. That said, she didn’t really know anyone suitable.

Her daughter immediately replied: “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another, and, afte...

I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday, but every time I bring it up...

...she changes the topic...

My 19 year-old son made a wish on his birthday...

The doctor told us it doesn't work like that anymore.

What! You forgot your wife's birthday?

"What! You forgot your wife's birthday?"

"Yes, I did."

"What did she say?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?".

"That's right. Nothing. For three weeks."

My Grandad lived to one hundred and one...

At his hundredth birthday party, he was asked "what's the secret to such a long life?"


He replied "with every meal I take a couple of drops of nitroglycerin. I think that's what's been keeping me going all these years."


He passed away a few years ago; he left behind 2 child...

It is my wife's birthday tomorrow.

She's been leaving jewelry catalogs all over the house.

So I've bought her a magazine rack.

A son asks what his father's favorite day is...

the father says, "April 19."

the son says, "Dad, my birthday is April **20"**

It's BB Kings birthday and his girlfriend wants to surprise him...

...so, she goes to a tattoo parlor and gets a "B" tattooed on her right asscheek and a "B" tattooed on her left asscheek. Then, when BB gets home, she drops her pants, bends over and says, "SURPRISE!!" BB looks down and says, "Who's Bob?"

My girlfriend isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

I'm not sure how. I don't even know it's her birthday.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

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