A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

It's my cake day, so better post a joke about cakes... Why couldn't the Teddy bear finish his birthday cake?

Because he was already stuffed...

Sorry, I'll do better next year - definitely Muffin that I will repeat again!

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I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Babes, **Jabba the Hutt** is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked me with tears in his eyes and said...

“You know, one would’ve been enough!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my boyfriend we could watch a porn for his birthday and do everything that we saw in the video...

He was super psyched, until I fucked the pizza guy.

I’m trying to convince my wife that I want a Segway for my birthday, but every time I bring it up...

...she changes the topic...

My friend got me a telekinetic abacus for my birthday.

It wasn't my favorite present, but it's the thought that counts.

I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

What did Tommy get when his birthday party was held during the epidemic?

Arrested

I am a little confused as to why everyone keeps giving me LEGOs for my birthday.

I don’t know what to make of it.

The Russian doll that I got for my birthday has a terrible personality

It’s so full of itself

For her birthday, I got my wife an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She’s in for a rude awakening.

My girlfriend isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

I'm not sure how. I don't even know it's her birthday.

I forgot one of my daughter's birthday presents in the closet....

After six weeks, that pony really began to reek....

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

I threw my girlfriend a bukakke birthday party...

Everybody came, you should have seen her face

Today is my wife's birthday, so I told her she didn't have to do the dishes.

I left them on the counter so she can do them tomorrow.



^(Seriously though, it is my wife's birthday.)

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey.

Got the missus a new bag and belt for her birthday.

The Hoover works a treat now.

A wonderful birthday poem

**MARCUS:** Happy birthday, Bob. I have a poem for you.
**BOB:** Cool! Let me hear it!
**MARCUS:** Don’t worry about the past — you can’t change it.
Don’t worry about the future — you can’t predict it.
And don’t worry about the present — I didn’t get you one.

My birthday was in April, and 2020 made it a joke..

Same as my first cake day.

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A lady had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her to get back into the dating world. Finally, she said she'd go out, but didn't know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, "Mom, I have someone for you to meet!"

Well, it was an immediate hit.

They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Spain.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood nude, except for a pair of black panties, he in his birthday suit.

Lo...

I wanted to give my brother a gift for his 40th birthday that says “It’s all downhill from here.”

He told me not to, he already has a picture of me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated…

A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over ...

Hunters Birthday Present

What do you give a hunter for his Birthday.

A Birthday pheasant

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

[NSFW] I got a sweater for my birthday.

I wanted a squirter. Or a screamer. Or even a moaner. But no. A sweater.

Birthday

On his Birthday, a man named Peter was really upset because none of his family members or near and dear ones wished him.

As he walked into his office, his secretary Anna said, "Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday!"

He felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remem...

My last 15 minutes as a 23 y/o!!

It's not my birthday but a scary looking man with a crowbar just broke into my house

It's my 97th Birthday party!!!

I keep getting invited to these things.

My wife asked what I was getting for her birthday. She got excited when I told I was thinking about a Switch.

She was livid when she unwrapped the divorce papers.

My AA sponsor said coke & hookers are not an appropriate Birthday gift..

So i took my business elsewhere!

What’s the best birthday present in the world?

A broken drum! You just can’t beat it!

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday.

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling rea...

Today is actually my birthday

People use to make fun of me for not having anyone at my parties... well look where they are now!
#quarantine

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A man recieves $500 for his birthday and decides to make a trip to his local brothel.

He walks inside the establishment and informs the madam that is is his birthday, so she offers him the birthday special. He hands over $250 and heads up the stairs entering the first room, to find a very attractive woman laying spread eagle on the bed.

Impressed by what the establishment has...

I asked my crush when is her birthday

Me: when is your birthday?

Her: march 1st

Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman...

...were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to ...

I'll be celebrating my birthday next month, but only for half a minute.

It's my thirty second birthday after all.

So my great grandfather gave me a special rifle for my birthday that was owned by a French soldier.

It was never fired and the barrel was dented

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

What did the ravioli play on his birthday?

Pasta Parcel.

Quarantine birthday

My birthdays in quarantine, but I’m not sad I had the exact number of people who came last year

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An old guy wants to surprise his old wife in bed for her birthday

He grabs her, and they start making out. He slowly makes his way down, and starts giving her oral.

A few seconds later, he gets back up, and says “I’m sorry, I can’t stay down there anymore, it smells awful!”.

“No, it’s ok, I’m sorry... I think I have arthritis” says the wife.

...

TIL that anarchists don't celebrate birthdays

Because they don't believe in parties.

Happy birthday to me. Or, as my dad likes to say...

"Happy nine months after *my* happy birthday"

X Æ A-12 not even gonna have any birthday parties...

Elon's just gonna release the patch notes

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For BB King's birthday his wife wanted to give him something very special. BB, as famous as he was, already had pretty much everything a person could want, money, fame and happiness.

BB's wife decided to get "BB" tattooed on her butt in such a way that a "B" is on each buttcheek. That night, after eating dinner and cake, she decided to give BB her gift. After explaining that her gift was very special, and that he'll see a very, very special name, she proceeded to bend over and p...

A middle-aged guy is out to dinner with his wife to celebrate her 40th birthday. He says: “So what would you like, Julie? A Jaguar? A sable coat? A diamond necklace?”

“Bernie,” she says. “I want a divorce”.

“My goodness,” he says. “I wasn’t planning on spending that much.”

My parents said I can get a dinosaur for my birthday!!

Update: They gave me a parrot..

My mom just posted in our family group: "It's our fat ones birthday today!"

She is referring to our cat.

10 minutes later, I get a message from my dad: "Happy birthday kid."

What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?

You can have your cake and eat it too!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just as it's going by. As he gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Impeccable timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank Fe...

They say you should sing Happy Birthday when cleaning your hands, but I find Uptown Funk to be much more effective

Don't believe me? Just wash

My girlfriend is turning 32 soon...

I told her not to get her hopes up.

"After all," I said, "we're only going to be celebrating it for half a minute."

When she asked what in the world I was talking about, I pointed out, "This is your thirty-second birthday."

When I was ten my Mom told me to take my brother to a movie so she could set up for his surprise birthday party

That’s when I realized he was the favorite twin, not me.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Queen's birthday celebrations are cancelled for the first time.

In 100 years she will remember it and laugh

I was at my friend’s birthday party, when I got a call that my astronaut son quit his job.

He just said he felt like he was misson out

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five.

There was a man who was born on the fifth day of the fifth month of 1955, whose lucky number was five. On his birthday, he went to the racetrack and was astounded to see that in the fifth race (scheduled for five o'clock) a horse named Pentagram was running, with the odds of 55 to 1. Rushing off to ...

What's different about a bulimic birthday party?

The cake jumps out of the girl

I gave my late uncles widow a watch for her birthday.

Now shes just my uncles widow.

Anytime I have an anniversary, birthday or holiday I am reminded of the biggest joke of all

My life

You get a letter from the Queen for your 100th birthday, what do you get for your 16th?

A text message from Prince Andrew.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went to get a physical for her 40th birthday...

When she got home, she was telling her turd of a husband how it went. “The doctor said I was in great shape. As a matter of fact, he said I have the breasts of a 20 year old. “
“Oh yeah?” Said her grumpy husband-“what he say about your 40 year old ass?”
“Your name never came up,” she replied.

On my 18th birthday my friend introduced me to his fit sister.

I was happy to meat her.

Birthdays make you healthy

There are studies that show that people with more birthdays live longer.

When's a frogs birthday?

February 29th

Two identical twin brothers, George and Ted, turned 100. George's hearing was just as good as ever, but Ted was slightly deaf.

An attractive female photographer came to the retirement home to take the brothers' picture. "I'm going to take your picture," she said.

"What did she say?" asked Ted. "She says she's going to take our picture," replied George. So George and Ted followed the photographer to a room.

Ins...

I just opened a birthday card and rice went flying everywhere

It was from uncle Ben

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just had sex with a girl who's celebrating her fifth birthday.

She said being born on Leap Day really sucks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!



*Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.*

If you don’t know what to give your friend as a birthday present,

just give them a fridge, and watch their face light up as they open it.

For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.

His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $1,80,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it."

The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?"

Litt...

The lion’s birthday is coming up and he wants entertainment.

So he tells the zebra to find the funniest animal in the whole kingdom. In order to do this the zebra decides to hold a competition in which animals will have to compete in front of a judge. Whoever the first one to makemake the judge laugh wins and will perform for the lion.

So the first thi...

A little girl was in a store to buy a Barbie doll for her birthday.

The shop owner said to her as a special treat you can choose another doll as well, Little girl says, can I have a GI Joe, shop owner says I thought Barbie came with Ken?, Little girl says no she comes with GI Joe, she fakes it with Ken.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

Twins celebrating their 102nd Birthday (Long)

The editor of a local paper hears about these two twins in the retirement home Harriet and Hazel who is celebrating their 102nd Birthday. He needs a feel-good story for filler so he sends down a photographer to snap some pictures.

He gets there and asks the twins if he can take their picture...

How old is a Hong Kong kid born in 1997?

Today is his 50th birthday.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] A few days after his 10th birthday, Little Johnny’s parents sit him down for a talk ...

Dad: “Johnny, you are ten years old, and in a few months you will have a little sister. It’s time you learned where babies come from.”

Johnny: “Mom! Dad! Not again! Last year, you told me Santa wasn’t real. The year before, it was the tooth fairy. Are you about to tell me that people don’t ac...

Here is a word for "walking in on your parents on your birthday right as they are climaxing"

Traumatiming

An engineer and a doctor fell in love with the same girl. The doctor gave her a rose on her birthday. What did the engineer give her

An Apple cause an apple a day keeps the doctor away.

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

Daughters Birthday

One day a father gets out of work and on his way home he suddenly remembers that it's his daughter's birthday.He pulls over to a Toy Shop and asks the sales person, 'How much for one of those Barbie's in the display window?' The salesperson answers, 'Which one do you mean, Sir? We have: Work Out Bar...

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.....

She said "Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings" so I got her nothing

Happy birthday to Frank Zamboni

A revolutionary inventor, despite being dead for almost 40 years, his name still resurfaces.

An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesn’t speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.

The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing.

The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, “Mother, Father, I do not care for the orange i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to the bar with his friends on his 21st birthday

As the fun night is going smoothly, an older man comes right up to him and loudly says “I fucked your mom last night.” Annoyed, the birthday guy tries to ignore him and continue having fun.

A few minutes later the older guy comes back and says “yeah your mom likes it rough!” Again annoyed ...

Sam wanted to ask his neighbour, a grammarian, over for his dad's birthday.

He sent him a text with the message: "You are invited to my dad's fiftieth birthday party."

The grammarian didn't turn up. The next day, Sam met him at the grocer's and asked him if he had got his message to come to the party.

The grammarian said, "Yes, I did, but I would feel weird ar...

I finally figured out what to get my girlfriend for her birthday.

It's an antique German grandfather clock with a really nice espresso finish. I already know she will love it. I caught a glimpse of her search history last week and she's been trying to find a big black clock.

Ted’s grandmother pulls him aside at his eighth birthday party and hands him a five-dollar bill.

“Here, this is a little something extra from Grandma. But not a word of this to your brothers and sisters.”
The boy looks at the bill and responds, ...
"If you want me to stay quiet, it’s going to cost you a lot more.”

My wife is blaming me for screwing up her birthday

She is so absurd. I didn't even know it was her birthday.

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

What did the kid with no arms get for his birthday?

We don't know yet, it's been an hour and he's still figuring out how to open it

Update: He got it open. It was hand cream. The kid got hand cream

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...

.. it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

How many birthdays does it take for someone to realize they aren’t funny?

I know I’m not funny just laugh so I feel good... it’s my birthday

Every year for my birthday my mom spends a fortune on sending me a gourmet selection of high-quality cashews, pistachios, and almonds. Specially selected and seasoned, I Googled how much she's been spending on these gifts: around $1,000 each.

It's just nuts.

I did get divorced last week because my wife forgot my birthday

But that wasn't everything: My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday.

As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!"

I felt so special.

She asked me out for lunch.

After lunch, s...

Why didn’t Earth get a birthday party?

Because no one was interested to planet.

Man, I hate it when the date picker for my birthday on a website starts with the current date.

Do they think that I was born yesterday?

Had a clown for my son's birthday yesterday.

Tasted funny.

What did the Redditor say to the kid at the birthday party?

EDIT: Happy cake day!

I got my son a stripper for his birthday.



My wife wasn't impressed, but it's not every day you turn 4.

A blond gets a toilet brush for her birthday

Her friend asks if it's any good, and the blond girl replies

"Yeah, I think it's Allright, but I prefer toilet paper"

Today was my birthday and my parents gave me a whistle as a gift...

Oh man!!! this thing blows

P.s. : excuse my English, not my first language

I just held a huge Thor party for my son's 5th birthday.

He got overwhelmed because I guess he wanted something a little more Loki.

What did the chemist get for his 69th birthday?

You’d think they’d give him Thulium, but really it was Nickel and Cerium.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As it's my 5th birthday, mommy, will you tell me the story of where I came from?

*The mom replied:* Hmmm, OK sure, how can I explain... well you see sweety, mommy and daddy love each other very much, so one beautiful spring morning mommy told daddy she had a seed, a tiny little seed, and I thought we should grow that little seed into something special.
That night daddy fert...

Shortest birthday celebration?

My sixty-second birthday party.

A man is constantly asking his wife for a threesome for his birthday

and every year the wife says no.

This continues on for several years, until finally the wife has enough and finally agrees.

“Ok George, yes you can have your damn threesome. Who do you want it to be with?”

George quickly responds with... “Well, do you remember Sarah who works i...

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