What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey!



*Courtesy of a 7 year old in my class.*

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated…

A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings o...

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

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A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

I bought my dad a refrigerator for his birthday.

I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed ...

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family...

.. it’s Mark Zuckerberg.

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Adolf Hitler and my wife have the same birthday. It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people...

Shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.

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My dad is 88 today. Here is one he used to tell all the time. Happy Birthday dad!

A farmer needed to castrate his bull.

After a search of many options including the local veternarians he decides to go with the guy with the cheapest price.
The next day a man shows up with a briefcase and opens it and the farmer is surprised at what's inside. The fellow pulls two bricks ...

Grandpa was celebrating his 100th birthday.Everybody complimented him on how healthy, athletic and well-preserved he appeared.

"I will tell you the secret of my success," Grandpa said, "My wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding day, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had an argument, or fight, the one who proved wrong would go outside and take a walk for 5 kms. Gentlemen, I have been walking in the open air ...

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My girlfriend said she was tired of me acting like a detective and told me that we should split up

I said "Good idea we'll cover more ground that way"

She also got pissed at me and said that I ruined her birthday which I have no idea how I didn't even know it was her birthday


I heard these two jokes when I was a kid and they've always made me laugh, I know they are kind of old b...

It’s my cake day so here’s a little cake joke for you all...

What do rat’s like to eat on their birthday?
Mice cream and cake

I’ll see myself out.

My daughter wanted a Cinderella themed birthday party.

So I made her and all her friends clean the house.

My girlfriend gave me a list of things she'd like to do for her 32nd birthday...

I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

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I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

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I made spacecake with laxatives for my birthday.

It's all shits and giggles until someone giggles and shits.

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Friends of an old guy hire him a prostitute for his 90th birthday...

She arrives at his door, throws open her coat, and shouts, “I’m here to give you super sex!”

The old man thinks a second and says, “I’ll take the soup.”

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I'm no longer a 21 year old virgin

I turned 22.

Birthdays are good for your health.

The more you have, the longer you live.

(Keep living. Its worth it)

I got my little 7-year-old cousin some money for his birthday

He looked at the two red, $50 bills in his hands (we’re Canadian), and...

**Cousin:** Wow! Is this American money?

**Me:** Oh, no! Wait a second... (pulls out American money from wallet) This is American money! It’s all green!

**Cousin:** Wow! How did you get this?

**Me:*...

Birthday joke

What sort of birthday cake do ghosts prefer?

An “I scream” cake

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.



“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.



“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies.



“Fifty ...

Today is Rafael nadals birthday.

I would have bought him somehting, but he returns everything.

Age is just a number. On my 40th birthday, I went to the high school track to see what I could do in the mile run, and I set a new personal best!

Half a mile!

Chris Hemsworth arranged a party for Tom Hiddleston's birthday that not many people knew about.

It was a Loki event.

I am gifting you a Microsoft office license for your birthday

I give you my word.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Ayyyye matey

Why I'm divorced.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’

I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will reme...

I was born on my birthday

What are the odds?

My wife wanted something that would go 0-100 very fast for her birthday

So i gave her a scale


(0-100 in kg's)

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...

What did the part First Nations, part French-Canadian pirate say after boiling a kettle on his 80th birthday?

Aye matey. I'm Métis. I made tea. I'm eighty.

I was really excited when my wife told me she was giving me a hummer for my birthday.

My excitement turned to disappointment when I saw a Hummer in the driveway.

If you don't know what to get for someone's birthday

Offer them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.

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My 8th birthday party was just like my sex life

Nobody came.

I'm not an alcoholic, I only drink when it's a friend's birthday.

On a side note are you on Facebook?

My wife: I regret presenting you blender for your birthday

Me (drinking burgers): Why?

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A dad takes his kid to a birthday party

A dad takes his kid to a birthday party, and goes to sit down with the other parents. He's talking to the other parents, and realizes that he doesn't know where his kid went so he goes to look for him. He goes to the living room, barely making it through because there's so many people, and calls out...

A lady gives herself a treat for her 7pth birthday

A lady decided to give herself a treat for her 70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for $500.
She exploded, demanding to know why the charge was so high.
The clerk told her $500 was the standard rate. S...

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.

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A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls for his 10th birthday.

A little boy wished for 10 ping-pong balls for his 10th birthday.
When he turned 11 he wished for 11 ping-pong balls. This continued every year.

They boy grew up to a man. When he turned 18, he wished for 18 ping-pong balls and when he turned 25 he wished for 25 ping-pong balls.

H...

There's this dad who is trying to get his daughter a birthday gift

And he knows that she is really starting to like Barbie, so he goes to the mall in hopes of finding a Barbie doll. He finally finds a store that sells Barbies and asks the cashier what Barbies are available.

"Well we have four Barbies: the Regular Barbie, which is $5."

The dad doesn't ...

A jumper I got for my birthday kept picking up static electricity.

So I took it back to the shop and exchanged it for another one.


Free of charge

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’.

I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

Bought my son a trampoline for his birthday,

all he does is scream about wanting back in his wheelchair.

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I told my mate I was thinking of buying a Labrador for my son's birthday present.

"Don't be so fucking stupid," he said. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

What was Mozart doing for his birthday?

Decomposing

Matt’s wife has been dropping hints about her birthday gift for weeks.

Now, on the day before, Matt asks, “So what do you think you’re getting for your birthday?”



His wife responds, “All I know is that it better be in the driveway and it better go from zero to 200 in under six seconds.”



“Oh, it will,” Matt responds, “and it does.”

<...

It’s my wife’s birthday and she said she wanted to get something that could last all year long

So I gave her a calendar

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

....I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

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I bought my girlfriend a butt plug for her birthday

If she likes it she can stick it in her bum.

If she hates it she can shove it up her ass.

My mate said he’s just bought his wife a 24 carat gold vibrator for her birthday.

I think he must be going soft in his old age.

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my birthday party was crazy, filled with booze, fighting and sex

still, Im never inviting my uncle over again

What does an anti-vaxx mother get her 2 year old triplets for their birthday?

A tombstone for each of the triplets

Mom - Happy Birthday Sweetheart...

Daughter - Thanks Mom, And I need to tell you something..

Mom - What is it darling. You can tell me anything...

Daughter - Since It’s my 17th Birthday, Tonight I’m going to sleep with my boyfriend Jacob.

Mom - Ohh darling. If that’s makes you happy then I don’t mind at a...

Birthdays are healthy

It's been scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays, usually live longer

Why do you put candles on top of a birthday cake?

Because it's too hard to put them at the bottom.

There was a battle between a fork and a spoon at a kid’s birthday party.

The fork won, it was a piece of cake.

Happy cake day to me I guess

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A boy gets a motorcycle for his 18th birthday

This boy just turned 18, and for his birthday his dad gave him his vintage Harley Davidson and a jar of vaseline. The dad told his son, "Always keep this vaseline on you, and if it ever starts to rain put it on the body of the bike to keep the coat shiny".

The boy is super excited and ride...

How do anti-vaxers celebrate their child’s first birthday?

By putting flowers on their grave.

I got a marvelous birthday card the other day

I got a marvelous birthday card in the mail the other day, but it was not addressed for me. So I went and added new stamps and mailed it back to the sender. You get a lot of karma for reposting.

Looking for feedback on a terribad joke I made up

Last night at 7:30 I went to my uncle's sixty second birthday party...

It was over by 7:31.

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

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Let us celebrate the birthday of Logan Paul!

april fools you piece of shit

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For his birthday a man decides to hold a costume party

To put a twist on things, he declares in his invitations that the theme of the party will be feelings and emotions.

On the night in question, the host is putting the final touches on the decorations when the doorbell chimes.

The host opens the door to his first guest, a man with his fa...

Birthday jokes

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She ask...

What did the boy with no arms get for his birthday

I don’t know he hasn’t opened it yet

On a Friday, eve of their 5th year relationship birthday.

Her: Babe, what did you plan for us this evening?

Him: Well honey, do you like Paris?

Her: Yes!!!??

Him: Do you like Barcelona?

Her: Yes!!!!

Him: Nice, because there is PSG-Barca tonight on TV.

Mum asks Lucy what she wants for her birthday, Lucy replies I want a Barbie and a G.I Joe, mum says but Barbie comes with Ken.

No says Lucy, she comes with G.I Joe,

she fakes it with Ken.

I threw my wife a surprise Bukkake party for her birthday.

You should have seen her face.

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My girlfriend's birthday is the same day as my grandpa's. So now i don't know to which party I should go.

On the one hand, it is the person to whom I lost my virginity. But, on the other, I believe I should also go to my girlfriend's birthday.

A woman decided to get a facelift for her birthday...

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling rea...

Im gonna tell some jokes about birthdays to this anti vax kid

But i guess he wont get many of them tbh

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

What You Call A Unvaccinated Child On His 4th Birthday!!!

A Grave Mistake!

The best way to always remember your wife's birthday

is to forget it once

Birthdays are great

But too many of them will kill you

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Turns out my uncle's birthday falls on the same day as my boyfriend's

Now I don't know who to celebrate it with, the one who took my virginity, or my boyfriend

I got my friend a telepathic abacus for his birthday.

It's the thought that counts.

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My hot ex from high school messaged me saying she’ll be in town for a day, but it just so happens to be on my fathers birthday.

So now I have to choose between the person I lost my virginity to, or my ex-girlfriend.

Jesus' Birthday

I've been hearing that Jesus wasnt even born December 25. Some experts think he could have been born in the spring.

At least we have the date of his death nailed down.

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So it turns out my mom’s birthday, April 18, is national piñata day

She sure is gonna be surprised when we shove candy up her ass and beat the shit out of her!

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My wife hit the fucking roof when she opened her birthday present.

Maybe I should have told her it was an inflatable dinghy.

My Son said he didn't want a Birthday Card this year

So I went to the bakery, and picked out a cake.



I asked them to make the icing blue, write on the top of the cake 'Happy Birthday', add a quick message from myself & my wife, a little poem, & a nice picture of a racing car.



His birthday came, he saw the cake and...

Birthday cake

A little girl is walking to the zoo with her mom when they pass by 2 dogs in a yard screwing.

"Mama! Look at those dogs! What are they doing?"

"Don't worry, sweetie, they're just making a birthday cake."



After they get to the zoo, they go to see the monkeys and sure en...

I got a rubbish thesaurus for my birthday thr other day

It was rubbish.

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Guy says to a Blonde, I bet I can guess your birthday just by fondling your tits, no way says the blonde, go on then, 20 minutes later the blonde says OK when was I born. Guy replied.

Yesterday.

A child comes to a carnival on the night before his 14th birthday.

They go to the "I bet I can guess your age" booth. The man says, "13 years old."

"Aw, man. You got me." said the kid.

"Nice try.", the man said. "Come back next year."

"I will!" the kid said in response.

A few hours later, he comes back to the stand.

"I've seen you...

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I told my wife i wanted a threesome for my birthday

She was really pissed off when she found out she was neither of the 2 girls!

For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

funny joke I heard from a retired dad at a birthday party

A man walks into a pub with a tiny box in one hand, and a weird looking lamp in the other. He takes a seat right at the bar, orders a rum and coke, and opens the little box. He takes out a tiny little man and a very tiny piano. The tiny little man starts playing the piano like no tomorrow. The barte...

I was given a boomerang for my birthday, and was told it’s like my dad.

I think it’s defunct though, because when I threw it, it never came back.

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A wife is desperately looking for a present for her husband's 50th birthday.

She goes into a pet shop and starts asking for yhe prices ok different animals, but her attention goes into a frog that had a label for $1.000 dollars. Consumed by doubt, she approaches to a salesman and asks about this overly expensive pet:

-Excuse me can you tell me, why this frog is so exp...

Its the bosses birthday at the bank.

Jim is blowing up some BIG balloons.
Sam comes over and notices the size.
"Whoah jim. No need for too much inflation"

I told my daughter to be sensible before her eighteenth birthday party.

She said, "You are only eighteen once!"


I said, "No...you're eighteen 365 times, unless it's a leap year."

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The 90th birthday

An elderly man is celebrating his 90th birthday down at the nursing home and all his friends decide to surprise him by getting him a present. So they wheel in this massive cake and out pops a beautiful young women who looks at the old man and says:
"Hi, I can give you some super sex!"
So t...

On his eighteenth birthday, a son announces to his parents that he is no longer abiding by their curfew.

“I’m an adult now,” he says, “and you can’t stop me from exiting and entering the house any time I want.”



“You’re half right,” says his dad. “We can’t stop you from leaving the house, but we can stop you from coming back in.”

What’s the difference between your birthday and your cake day?

For one you get a bunch of presents that make you feel better and the other just reminds you that you don’t have friends while moving one year closer to death

Asked my mum what she’d like for her birthday.

“I wanna Dyson.” She said excitedly.


So that's why is smothered her with a pillow, your honour

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow.

Last week, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday present.




“Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “Just give me something with diamonds.”




That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

What do you call a woman who wants nothing for her birthday/Christmas?

A liar

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A young man wanted to buy a pair of expensive gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday...

He went to an expensive boutique, bought
the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have
them delivered along with a note he had written. Unfortunately,
the clerk mixed up the order while wrapping the merchandise.
Instead of the expensive gloves, the clerk accidentally wr...

"You don't look a day over fifty!" I told the mother-in-law on her birthday.

Slightly ruined her 38th.

A divorced man was delighted when his daughter reached her 18th birthday

because it would be his final child support payment. Month after month, year after year he had paid, and now at last he would be free of the financial burden.

So he called his daughter over to his house and said: "I want you to take this last check to your mother’s house. You tell her this is...

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My buddy got me the clapper for my birthday....

Now every time my wife and i have sex its like a rave

I asked my five year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday.

"I want unicorns, rainbows and fairies," she giggled.

LSD it is then.

Mary's boyfriend called Mary on her birthday...

Mary - m boyfriend - b

b: hey honey

m: hey

b:do you remember that mall we went to last month?

m : yes?

b : and you saw a jewelry shop there?

m : yes?

b : and you really wanted that ring?

m (starting to get a bit exited) : yes?

b : but w...

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An old bloke woke up, to celebrate 92nd birthday...

He spoke to his toes. He said, “Hello toes! How are you? You know, you're 92 today. Oh the times we’ve had! Remember we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!”

“Hello, knees,” he continued. “How are you? Yo...

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