My wife isn't talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

I don't even know when her birthday is!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jill decides to take her husband Jack to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Jack! How ya doin'?"

Jill is puzzled and asks if he has been to this club before. "Oh no," says Jack. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Jack if he would like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

When I was little, my parents got me a Dog and a Cat for my birthday.

The next day we named the Dog curiosity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So my girlfriend told me we could watch a porno for my birthday and do everything that we saw in the video

I was so freaking excited, until she fucked the pizza guy. :(

BB King's wife had a B tattooed on each of her cheeks for his birthday

She dropped her panties, turned around and bent over. "Surprise", she said. BB looked at her and asked "Who's Bob?"

I absolutely HATE when people make a post subtly implying that it's their cake day just so people can wish them a happy birthday.

You won't catch me doing that today.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday. She told me that nothing would make her happier than a diamond necklace.

So I bought her nothing.

A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday

Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said..

"You know one would have been enough"

I asked my new girlfriend when her birthday was..

She said March 1st, So i walked round the room and asked her again...

It was my birthday yesterday and I got given a rubbish thesaurus

It was rubbish

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"What do you want for your birthday?" asked my girlfriend.

"Anal sex " I replied

"Haahahaha, nice try. Tell me something I can buy".

"Ok,Anal sex with a prostitute".

Why did the birthday cake go to see the Dr?

It felt crumby!

(PS I like this joke because it taught me how to spell crumby)

Happy birthday Georges Seurat!

I wish I could remember why he's famous but my knowledge of his work is a little spotty.

Sigh, nobody will upvote a cake joke on my birthday

I feel so desserted.

My birthday is on 9/11

60 more days to go

I was at a night club till 3 am yesterday celebrating my wife’s birthday.

When I came back home, she was furious.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Musician birthday was coming up

We got them an album book

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Great Birthday Idea

A guy doesn't know what to get his wife for her birthday, so he makes up a certificate saying she can have 60 minutes of great sex, any way she wants it. He thinks she will be thrilled.

He gives it to her and asks if she likes it.

"Oh yes!" She says as she jumps up, thanks him, kisse...

I bought my son a trampoline for his birthday

He was so ungrateful, didn't even give it a go. He just sat in his wheelchair and cried

I asked my father for a 30-year-old escort for my birthday...

He brought home a 30-year-old Ford Escort instead.

Thor's Birthday

Did you hear the one about Thor's Birthday party?

There was only a few people.

He wanted to keep it Loki.

It has been scientifically proven that birthdays are good for your health....

The more of them you have, the longer you live!

I got my son a bow & arrow set for his birthday, what does he get me for mine? … a T-shirt with a bullseye on the back.

I get no respect.

Why won't Pluto throw a birthday party?

It can't even planet

When I was little, my parents bought me a globe for my birthday.

It meant the world to me

For his birthday my son asked me to buy him an armchair.

I've looked around and I can only find ones made from wood or leather.

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up in front of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antelope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood in front of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Son asks his father (a bitcoin miner) to give him 1 Bitcoin for birthday.

Father replies: "Son! 20485$ is much cash! Why do you even need 18572$? For 21568$ You can buy a good car!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend said that we will do something from a porn video for you birthday.

I didn't like it when she started to fuck the pizza delivery guy.

I got a miniature abacus for my birthday.

It's the little things that count!

I bought my daughter a brand new fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my birthday I got the words “I love you” tattooed on my Dick

My wife said

Stop trying to put words in my mouth!

A 70-year-old woman chose to remain overnight in a costly hotel as a treat for her birthday.

The following morning, she was appalled when the desk clerk gave her a bill for $250.00. She requested to know why the charge was too high.

"It's a nice hotel, but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast," she told the clerk.

...

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.


She says, ’Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything abo...

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted.



Happy cake day to me :)

No one wished me Happy Birthday

Well it's not today.

For my wife's 30th birthday I got a man called David to visit our house.

While we were sat on the sofa, David walked around, looking at us occasionally.

"There's a definite tension between the two of you," David began, "but behind it all there's a certain desire, a lust. Yes, there's a craving for the physical. And there's friendship, too. Warmth, lots of warmth i...

In honor of his birthday

What's got four legs and is stronger than a Superman?



Christopher Reeve's horse



And what's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?



Christopher Walken

Grammerly

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a miracle man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, ha...

So my wife is turning 32 next week.

I told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday.

"After all," I said, "The celebrations are only going to last half a minute."

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

I said, "It's your thirty-second birthday."

Harry & Hermione go to Hogsmeade

Since school had started back up in September, hogsmeade visits once again became something to look forward to.

There was the 2nd week of September and then, luckily, one on Hermione's Birthday, just in time to buy her something nice.

Things the next month were the same as usual; Harry...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my wife that I have the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.

She said, "It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people, shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hire a call girl for him

When he answers the door she’s standing there in a slinky black dress. She says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

My blonde girlfriend told me that she wanted something "long and hard" for her birthday

So I gave her a math problem.

My mother-in-law just asked for "bath stuff" for her birthday

She seemed unimpressed with the toaster I bought her

John was returning from work when he remembered that today was his daughter's birthday...

There was still time so he decided to quickly drive and buy a gift for her.
He went to the local supermarket and headed straight to the toys section in search of a toy his daughter would cherish.

He found employee there and asked his advise on which Barbie doll would make the best gift. ...

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bless my dad, he would've been celebrating his 70th birthday today.

If he wasn't such a depressing bastard.

Russian Prime Minister Medvedev comes to President Putin and nervously tells him to abolish time zones.

"Why"? Putin asks


" I fly to another city, call home and everyone is asleep. I woke you up at 4AM but I thought it was only evening. - I call Angela Merkel to congratulate her on her birthday and she tells me she had it yesterday. - I wish the Chinese President a happy New Year, and...

What's a pirate's favorite part of a birthday party?

Dabloons

David received a parrot for his birthday.

This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music; anything that came to mind. ...

What did the pirate say on his birthday?

“Yarr, me parties!”

(I told this to my 8-month old and she burst into tears, so I know it’s good!)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

This year my wife was struggling for ideas on what to get me for my birthday.

I said that for my birthday, I would like a threesome. I've never had one before, and I would feel like less of a creep if she organized it.

She was surprisingly on-board. She said that she had a friend from college who would probably be up for it.

But I think I ruined the night when ...

Mom: "I regret getting you that blender for your birthday"

Me: (with liquid toast): Why?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gift for sweetheart

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for her
birthday. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration
he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but
not too personal.

Accompanied by the sweetheart's sister, he w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

Barbie

One day, a father gets out of work and on his way home he remembers it's his daughter's birthday. He pulls over to a toy store and asks the salesperson, "How much is the Barbie on display in the front window?" The salesperson answers, "Which one? We have Work-Out Barbie for $19.95, Shopping Barbie f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've been giving my friends t shirts with photos of them printed on it for their birthdays.

Half of them think it's hilarious, and half of them tell me how the fuck did I get this picture of them sleeping.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought my Son a bike for his birthday.

He started screaming and crying about it.

Just because he's in a wheelchair doesn't excuse the fact that he's an ungrateful little shit.

What’s the easiest way to remember your wife’s birthday?

Forget it once!


———

But today is mine reddit =D

Edit1: Thanks for the award = D

A gorgeous young redhead on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birthday Mix-Up (Long)

A young man wished to purchase  a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note--romantic, but not too personal.

   

   Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger siste...

Why I'm Divorced.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’
I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will rememb...

Nobody will upvote a cake joke in my birthday

I feel desserted

Edit: oh wow, this was my first time karma whoring on my cake day and I honestly wasn’t expecting this much attention. Thank you for all the awards and sorry if I didn’t respond to all the messages.

Shoutout to u/sse2k for “letting” me repost his joke.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans.

He loved them dearly, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat explosive effect on him.
 

One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, “she’ll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this,” so he m...

A man brings his girlfriend to an apple tree grove to do some sightseeing on her birthday

But the girlfriend was clearly upset because...
.
.
.
That wasn't the apple watch she was expecting

For my New Years resolution I promise to never steal money out of my wife’s purse

But then I just remembered she’s got a birthday coming up

An old woman is talking with a relative at her 4th husband's funeral

She says to the relative "he was a good man" the relative nodded she then said ya know I've been married for the 4th time and this is the last, the relative asked "what were your other husband's like" the woman said "my first husband was a banker, he was a hard working man". The relative asks "what ...

A man breaks into a wealthy persons house

He hears a sobbing noise coming from around the corner so he goes to check what it is. He peeks around the corner to see a body guard sobbing saying "I C c can't believe boss forgot my birthday, I thought he was m my f f friend uhoo hoo" so he turns around and goes the opposite direction desperate t...

Did you hear Hellen Kellers birthday was two days ago…

She didn’t hear either

Three brothers want to do something great for their mother's birthday

All three men are wealthy as two of them are doctors and one is a lawyer.

The eldest son proclaimed that he'd buy a big new house for their mother to live in and did so.

The middle son proclaimed that he'd buy an expensive and fast new car for their mother and did so.

Then the y...

Today I'm only celebrating my birthday for half a minute!

I guess you could say it's my thirty-second birthday.

What's a quick and easy way to turn a sofa into a bed?

Forget your other halfs birthday

The month before Frank's 21st birthday, his father told him, "Did you know that something amazing happens to all the male members of your family when they turn 21?"

"When your grandfather turned 21, he went to the lake and discovered that he was able to walk on the water. When my oldest brother, your uncle George, turned 21, he discovered the same. Me, your other uncles, your older brothers...all of them could walk on water at age 21."

"Cool!" said Frank...

birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was the 4th grade teacher’s birthday and all the kids brought in presents.

The teacher was a little worried about Billy’s present though because his father owned a vodka distillery. And ask Billy ever talked about was his father’s business; how vodka was made, what made vodka the best liquor etc. So she has a bad feeling she knew what Billy’s gift would be.

Finally...

I'm turning 40 soon, and my wife told me she is getting me four T-shirts for my birthday.

I asked her "why?"

She said, "because you're going to be in your 4 T's."

Teacher's birthday

It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers".

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She l...

This is why divorce rates are always increasing

Why did I get divorced, you ask? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't get me a present and didn't even wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my co-workers didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy b...

Why didn't Gandalf bring hookers to Bilbo's birthday party?

Because he is not a conjurer of cheap tricks.

Trying to accumulate all jokes of this particular format:

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting in a bush?
Russel

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the middle of the Australian outback?
Dusty

What do you call a man with a shovel standing next to a deep hole?
Dug

I would like more of these jok...

How the grandkids view us old folks (Long)

1. She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful eyes of her young granddaughter, as she'd done many times before. After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!" I will probably never put lips...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Man, The Myth, the Legend: Frank Feldman!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you nee...

What’s more formal than a birthday suit? NSFW

A fuxedo

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screamin...

Timothy goes to a birthday party

A little boy named Timothy goes to a birthday party with his father. When he arrives, the hostess asks him, "How are you, Timmy?"

Timothy replies, "I'm good."

"I think you have the wrong word there," the host chuckles, wanting to correct his grammar.

"Eh, whatever," Timothy shru...

So a chicken walks into a bar...

Fellow is about to order a beer, when the bartender cuts him off -

> Pardon, but we're closing early tonight - my wife's birthday! And we did last call a few minutes ago.

> Why don't you try the place across the street?

"May you live a hundred years!"

A perfectly normal and decent birthday greeting, unless you say it to someone who's 99.

An elderly Australian woman is visiting her son in the US for his birthday.

She arrives at LAX early in the morning and arranges to drive to his house, in New Orleans, in order to “take in the scenery” and see what the American South has to offer.

She drives at a leisurely pace, and stops at scenic viewpoints whenever possible, knowing she has some time to get to he...

Today's my birthday, so if I'm not around much...

...it's because I don't have any presence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and ...

Spacebar

While out picking up some last minute Thanksgiving items my wife texted me "Thespacebaronmyphoneisnotworking.Whenigethomecanyougivemeanalternative?"

As I eagerly await her arrival home in my birthday suit I cannot help but wonder, what does ternative mean?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man turns 18

His uncle offers to take him to the local brothel for his birthday. The young man happily agrees hoping to finally lose his virginity.

They show up at the brothel and the young man is brought back to a private room by a very beautiful woman.

Woman: “You can undress and lay on the bed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Babes, **Jabba the Hutt** is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

Guy is in the store...

...and and starts putting out items in the checkout..

3 bottles of red wine

3 bottles of white wine

2 bottles of champagne

1 bottle of vermouth

4 bottles of vodka

1 bottle of Hennessy

Finally one can of cat food

...when he suddenly hears a man...

A boy gets a parrot for his birthday

A boy gets a pet parrot for his birthday.

The parrot is constantly swearing, and saying rude things. The boy tries to teach his parrot to stop saying bad words and things like that. He plays calm music to the parrot, he reads stories to the parrot, he tries everything he can to get the parrot...

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me what I wanted for my birthday...

I said, "Aw, I don't need presents, I just want a nice, relaxing massage and some of that great sex we used to have."
Anyway guys, it worked, she is buying me so much stuff.

The first mate on a ship rarely drinks

The first mate on a ship rarely drinks, but the crew threw him a party on his birthday and went out of their way to get him drunk. The next morning he woke up with a hangover, and went to the bridge. He opened the ship's log and found that the captain had written, "The first mate got drunk last nigh...

It was my nieces birthday so I asked her mother what present I should get her. She said ‘you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff’.

So I got her a bag of peas.

So I ordered me a bust for my birthday.

I really wanna show you how it looks, but I'm getting a head of myself.

Your mother’s so fat

That every time she turns around it’s her birthday

A man who lived his whole life near a formula 1 track got interviewed on his 100th birthday

"Has living here impacted your life in any way?" asks the interviewer.

He takes some time to think and then answers:

"NNNOOOOOOOOUUUUOO"

For his birthday, I got my friend a telepathic abacus.

It's the thought that counts.

A girl invites her best friend to her Birthday party

At her birthday party while everyone else is away and having fun her best friend eats her whole cake. They catch her and of course the birthday girl is upset, but she manages to calm down and act like everything is fine, deciding to get her revenge another time.

Then several months later it's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have no problem buying Tampons for my wife, I’m a fairly modern man

But apparently, they don’t make a great birthday present.

My friend on his 27th birthday said, "I don't want to grow up anymore."

So I killed him.

Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it's his daughter's birthday and he hasn't bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, "How much is that Barbie in the window?

In a condescending manner, she says, "Which Barbie?" She continues, "We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00." Ralph asks...

Wrapped

For Mike's birthday, his wife wanted to surprise him when he came home from work. After some careful consideration, she decided to strip naked and wrap herself in Saran wrap from her shoulders to her ankles. Soon, Michael enters his house exhausted from a tough day at work. Mike walks through the ki...

My friend's birthday

My friend ordered a cake with his own portrait as icing for his birthday and then ate it all without sharing with anyone

I guess he's so full of himself

How does a cat like its steak cooked...

Raaaaaaaare.



I know I know. Dad joke but I'm desperate for some love since it's my birthday.

Ray has just reached his 110th birthday. A reporter comes to his birthday party and says, “Excuse me, sir, but how did you come to be so old?” Ray replies, “It’s easy. The secret is never to argue with anyone.”

The reporter is not impressed. “That’s insane!” he says. “It has to be something else – diet, meditation, or ‘something.’ Just not arguing won’t keep you alive for 110 years!” Ray looks at the reporter and says, “Y’know, maybe you’re right.”

I threw a ball for my dog

I know it's a bit extravagant, but it was his birthday & he looks great in a tuxedo!

I gifted trampoline to my son on his 7th birthday

I think he was so happy he bust into tears. He cried so hard that he fell out of his wheelchair

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