As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s...

I completed another lap around the Sun, but I only get half a minute to celebrate today.

It's my thirty-second birthday.

It’s my cake day so here’s a little cake joke for you all...

What do rat’s like to eat on their birthday?
Mice cream and cake

I’ll see myself out.

My bullies broke my MP3-Player at school. Luckily, my parents bought me an MP4 for my birthday, but these idiots destroyed it again.

Tomorrow, I'll bring an MP5.

Adolf Hitler and my wife have the same birthday. It's crazy to think that such a loathsome figure, who ruined the lives of so many people...

Shares the same birthday as Adolf Hitler.

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read.

A boy asks his father for a spider for his birthday.

The father stops by the pet shop on the way home from work to find out more about spiders.

​

“What does one of those big ones cost?” the father asks, pointing into the glass case full of the arachnids.

​

“About fifty dollars,” the store clerk replies...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey,Dave! How ya doin?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

What does antivaxxer kids and Jehovahs Witnesses have in common?

&#x200B;

&#x200B;

&#x200B;

&#x200B;

They don't have birthdays

Why I'm divorced.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday,' and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone 'Happy Birthday.’

I thought …. well, that's marriage for you, but the kids .... they will reme...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my mate I was thinking of buying a Labrador for my son's birthday present.

"Don't be so fucking stupid," he said. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My 8th birthday party was just like my sex life

Nobody came.

Matt’s wife has been dropping hints about her birthday gift for weeks.

Now, on the day before, Matt asks, “So what do you think you’re getting for your birthday?”

&#x200B;

His wife responds, “All I know is that it better be in the driveway and it better go from zero to 200 in under six seconds.”

&#x200B;

“Oh, it will,” Matt responds,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

my birthday party was crazy, filled with booze, fighting and sex

still, Im never inviting my uncle over again

What did the anti-vax mom say to her son on his fourth birthday?

>!Wish you were here.!<

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my wife to dress as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

I'm no longer a 21 year old virgin

I turned 22.

A little girl says to her mommy, instead of buying me clothes for my birthday can you send them to all of the little girls that haven't got any, you know the ones.

The ones on daddy's computer.

My daughter learned to count!

My daughter woke me around 11:50 last night. My wife and I had picked her up from her friend Sally's birthday party, brought her home, and put her to bed. My wife went into the bedroom to read while I fell asleep watching the Braves game.

"Daddy," she whispered, tugging my shirt sleeve. "Gues...

There was a battle between a fork and a spoon at a kid’s birthday party.

The fork won, it was a piece of cake.

Happy cake day to me I guess

How do anti-vaxers celebrate their child’s first birthday?

By putting flowers on their grave.

The other day when I was in my room playing games and watching livestreams, I remembered that it was my mom's birthday and I had totally forgotten to buy a gift for her.

I needed to find something fast and thought that maybe a sweet video would make her happy. Instead of recording myself for the video, I donated 5$ to the streamer and asked if she could count to 50. A moment later she gets the donation and starts counting slowly. I record the section and export the ...

At his 103rd birthday party, my grandfather was asked if he thought that he'd be around for his 104th.

"I certainly do," he replied. "Statistics show that very few people die between the ages of 103 and 104."

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey!

Birthday jokes

Why did I get divorced? Well, last week was my birthday. My wife didn't wish me a happy birthday. My parents forgot and so did my kids. I went to work and even my colleagues didn't wish me a happy birthday. As I entered my office, my secretary said, "Happy birthday, boss!" I felt so special. She ask...

Im gonna tell some jokes about birthdays to this anti vax kid

But i guess he wont get many of them tbh

On a Friday, eve of their 5th year relationship birthday.

Her: Babe, what did you plan for us this evening?

Him: Well honey, do you like Paris?

Her: Yes!!!??

Him: Do you like Barcelona?

Her: Yes!!!!

Him: Nice, because there is PSG-Barca tonight on TV.

What You Call A Unvaccinated Child On His 4th Birthday!!!

A Grave Mistake!

Birthdays are healthy

It's been scientifically proven that people who have more birthdays, usually live longer

What did the boy with no arms get for his birthday

I don’t know he hasn’t opened it yet

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Let us celebrate the birthday of Logan Paul!

april fools you piece of shit

My hot ex from high school messaged me saying she’ll be in town for a day, but it just so happens to be on my fathers birthday.

So now I have to choose between the person I lost my virginity to, or my ex-girlfriend.

I am an anti-vax kid and tomorrow's my 18th birthday.

This is the correct subreddit to post it yeah.

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me. She said I ruined her birthday.

....I’m not sure how. I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A boy gets a motorcycle for his 18th birthday

This boy just turned 18, and for his birthday his dad gave him his vintage Harley Davidson and a jar of vaseline. The dad told his son, "Always keep this vaseline on you, and if it ever starts to rain put it on the body of the bike to keep the coat shiny".

The boy is super excited and ride...

A woman decided to get a facelift for her birthday...

She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35,"he replied. "I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling rea...

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

Birthdays are great

But too many of them will kill you

Turns out my uncle's birthday falls on the same day as my boyfriend's

Now I don't know who to celebrate it with, the one who took my virginity, or my boyfriend

My girlfriend's birthday is the same day as my grandpa's. So now i don't know to which party I should go.

On the one hand, it is the person to whom I lost my virginity. But, on the other, I believe I should also go to my girlfriend's birthday.

The best way to always remember your wife's birthday

is to forget it once

I got a rubbish thesaurus for my birthday thr other day

It was rubbish.

I got my friend a telepathic abacus for his birthday.

It's the thought that counts.

My Son said he didn't want a Birthday Card this year

So I went to the bakery, and picked out a cake.

&#x200B;

I asked them to make the icing blue, write on the top of the cake 'Happy Birthday', add a quick message from myself & my wife, a little poem, & a nice picture of a racing car.

&#x200B;

His birthday c...

A child comes to a carnival on the night before his 14th birthday.

They go to the "I bet I can guess your age" booth. The man says, "13 years old."

"Aw, man. You got me." said the kid.

"Nice try.", the man said. "Come back next year."

"I will!" the kid said in response.

A few hours later, he comes back to the stand.

"I've seen you...

Looking for feedback on a terribad joke I made up

Last night at 7:30 I went to my uncle's sixty second birthday party...

It was over by 7:31.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife hit the fucking roof when she opened her birthday present.

Maybe I should have told her it was an inflatable dinghy.

Jesus' Birthday

I've been hearing that Jesus wasnt even born December 25. Some experts think he could have been born in the spring.

At least we have the date of his death nailed down.

I threw my wife a surprise Bukkake party for her birthday.

You should have seen her face.

What do you call a woman who wants nothing for her birthday/Christmas?

A liar

Birthday cake

A little girl is walking to the zoo with her mom when they pass by 2 dogs in a yard screwing.

"Mama! Look at those dogs! What are they doing?"

"Don't worry, sweetie, they're just making a birthday cake."

&#x200B;

After they get to the zoo, they go to see the monkeys...

Its the bosses birthday at the bank.

Jim is blowing up some BIG balloons.
Sam comes over and notices the size.
"Whoah jim. No need for too much inflation"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So it turns out my mom’s birthday, April 18, is national piñata day

She sure is gonna be surprised when we shove candy up her ass and beat the shit out of her!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy says to a Blonde, I bet I can guess your birthday just by fondling your tits, no way says the blonde, go on then, 20 minutes later the blonde says OK when was I born. Guy replied.

Yesterday.

On his eighteenth birthday, a son announces to his parents that he is no longer abiding by their curfew.

“I’m an adult now,” he says, “and you can’t stop me from exiting and entering the house any time I want.”

&#x200B;

“You’re half right,” says his dad. “We can’t stop you from leaving the house, but we can stop you from coming back in.”

My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50 and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars. I said, “That’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”

What’s the difference between your birthday and your cake day?

For one you get a bunch of presents that make you feel better and the other just reminds you that you don’t have friends while moving one year closer to death

I was given a boomerang for my birthday, and was told it’s like my dad.

I think it’s defunct though, because when I threw it, it never came back.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The 90th birthday

An elderly man is celebrating his 90th birthday down at the nursing home and all his friends decide to surprise him by getting him a present. So they wheel in this massive cake and out pops a beautiful young women who looks at the old man and says:
"Hi, I can give you some super sex!"
So t...

Asked my mum what she’d like for her birthday.

“I wanna Dyson.” She said excitedly.


So that's why is smothered her with a pillow, your honour

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my wife i wanted a threesome for my birthday

She was really pissed off when she found out she was neither of the 2 girls!

funny joke I heard from a retired dad at a birthday party

A man walks into a pub with a tiny box in one hand, and a weird looking lamp in the other. He takes a seat right at the bar, orders a rum and coke, and opens the little box. He takes out a tiny little man and a very tiny piano. The tiny little man starts playing the piano like no tomorrow. The barte...

It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow.

Last week, I asked her what she wanted for her birthday present.




“Oh, I don’t know,” she said. “Just give me something with diamonds.”




That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.

I told my daughter to be sensible before her eighteenth birthday party.

She said, "You are only eighteen once!"


I said, "No...you're eighteen 365 times, unless it's a leap year."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man wanted to buy a pair of expensive gloves for his sweetheart’s birthday...

He went to an expensive boutique, bought
the finest gloves available, and asked the saleswoman to have
them delivered along with a note he had written. Unfortunately,
the clerk mixed up the order while wrapping the merchandise.
Instead of the expensive gloves, the clerk accidentally wr...

Mary's boyfriend called Mary on her birthday...

Mary - m boyfriend - b

b: hey honey

m: hey

b:do you remember that mall we went to last month?

m : yes?

b : and you saw a jewelry shop there?

m : yes?

b : and you really wanted that ring?

m (starting to get a bit exited) : yes?

b : but w...

I finally realized my parents favored my twin brother.

It hit me when they asked me to blow up balloons for his surprise birthday party.

What do you get antivaxxer kids for their 3rd birthday?

Tombstone

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A wife is desperately looking for a present for her husband's 50th birthday.

She goes into a pet shop and starts asking for yhe prices ok different animals, but her attention goes into a frog that had a label for $1.000 dollars. Consumed by doubt, she approaches to a salesman and asks about this overly expensive pet:

-Excuse me can you tell me, why this frog is so exp...

A divorced man was delighted when his daughter reached her 18th birthday

because it would be his final child support payment. Month after month, year after year he had paid, and now at last he would be free of the financial burden.

So he called his daughter over to his house and said: "I want you to take this last check to your mother’s house. You tell her this is...

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday.

Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner.

Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"

His employees replied, "No."

Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bo...

My grandma died just six days before my birthday

Which of course made me extremely upset when my birthday came around, because I had nothing to wish for.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My buddy got me the clapper for my birthday....

Now every time my wife and i have sex its like a rave

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old bloke woke up, to celebrate 92nd birthday...

He spoke to his toes. He said, “Hello toes! How are you? You know, you're 92 today. Oh the times we’ve had! Remember we walked in the park in the summer every Sunday afternoon? The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday, toes!”

“Hello, knees,” he continued. “How are you? Yo...

"You don't look a day over fifty!" I told the mother-in-law on her birthday.

Slightly ruined her 38th.

Happy birthday!

A drug dealer has been in prison for a few years, when he seemingly has a change of heart and asks to speak with a DEA agent.

He says to the agent, "My father's got a farm out in the country. Behind this house, there's a big ole wood pile. I hit a stash of money and drugs inside one of the l...

The only gift I got for my birthday is a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very difficult to deal with.

People make fake IDs to get into bars. That’s all well and good but I’d rather have 365 IDs that have different birthdays on them so I could get free desserts at every restaurant I go to

Just makes sense really

I was having the worst possible day. To cap it off my baker screwed up the topping of my birthday dessert!

It was the icing on the cake.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got a tattoo for my girlfriend's birthday once...

Once, my girlfriend named Wendy turned 26, so I decided to get her name tattooed on my dingdong. After a few minutes and a world of pain, it was done and I was very happy with it, even though you could only see the letters W and Y in flaccid state. Later that day, I was happily using a urinal when s...

Which birthday do you celebrate for just 1 minute?

Your 62nd birthday.

I asked my five year old daughter what she wanted for her birthday.

"I want unicorns, rainbows and fairies," she giggled.

LSD it is then.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.


After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist han...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dad was a bit mad and cussed me out about the socks I bought him for his birthday present this year.

I said, "You bastard, it's the thought that counts."


I could tell by the look in his eyes he would have kicked my head in if he had legs.

I should get my girlfriend a card for her birthday.

I’ll make it green. I’m sure she will like it, all my friends say she must want one if she’s dating me.

What did the deaf hooker get for her birthday?

Hearing aids

My husband bought me a dress for my birthday.

He’s been on me about losing weight, so the dress was 2 sizes too small for me. When he handed me the box, he said “I’m looking forward to seeing you in this.”

For his birthday, I gave him a coffin.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A father asks his son what he wants for his 15th birthday

His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.”

The dad, wanting to make his son happy, asks his son what that is.

His son replies, “I want a single ping pong ball.”

Confused, his dad agrees, and on h...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I got my wife a birthday present.

So I told my wife I got her something long, hard and takes two hands to handle.

She says, “Oh wow!”

I hand her a new broom.

I am now recovering in the hospital after having a broom handle removed from my rectum.

My family surprised me with a car for my birthday...

...Good thing they missed

I’ve only met a few people with birthdays on leap year day.

They were all mature for their age.

As i handed my dad his 55th birthday card he started screaming...

Son, why did you buy me 55 birthday cards?!

A child asks his investor father “Dad, for my birthday, I’d really like a Bitcoin”

He replies “$4,000? What on earth do you need $15,000 for? Don’t you know how much $2,000 is?”

For my girlfriend's 25th birthday I got a bloke to come over to our house.

While we were sat on the sofa, the bloke said, "There's this pub nearby, it's good but the people there are kind of loud, obnoxious, 2/10. Then there's a club a few miles down the road. Huge venue with loud music and expensive drinks, 7/10. Then even further away, perhaps four or five miles out, the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Loki decided to surprise Thor at his birthday party with a lady...

He introduces them, and Thor realizes the girl has a severe lisp. He tells Loki he just can't do it, and Loki assures him that despite her lisp, it will be the best night of his life.

Without another word between the two, the girl and Thor head off to his bedroom, and have an amazing night o...

For his 70th birthday, one of his students gave the zen master a big box with a ribbon around it.

When the master opened the box, he found that there was nothing inside.

"Aha," he exclaimed, "just what I wanted!"

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for her birthday

I know its not the greatest gift, but you should've seen her face light up when she opened it.

Got a birthday card today it never said who it was from, when i opened it a bunch of rice fell out.

Must have been from my uncle Ben.

How can you tell which two year old birthday party is for the anti- vaxxer’s kid?

It’s the one being held in the cemetery.

My daughter asked for a Cinderella themed birthday party...

So I made her and friends mop the floor and do the dishes.

A teenager gets a bass guitar and a month of lessons for his birthday

After he comes home from his first lesson, his mother asks:

“What did you learn in your first lesson?”

“I learned all the notes on the E string!”

The next week he comes home and mom asks:

“What did you learn this week?”

“I learned all the notes on the A string!”...

I get more attention on my reddit cake day than I do on my real birthday

Wait that's not funny.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Ex was was so weird. She would get angry when I told her she had to keep her eyes open and watch me when she blew the candle on her birthday. One year she got so mad at me and did the strangest thing... she bit the candle. She was mildly crazy.

She did other weird things too, like constantly twerking everywhere we went and naming my penis "The Candle".

I heard a life tip that went; If you’re ever too embarrassed to buy something, get a birthday card with it.

The cashier wasn’t amused by the birthday tampons for my wife.

Birthday cake

Patient: “Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake.”

Doctor: “Next time, take off the candles.”

I suggested to my missus that I was her birthday present.

She said she hoped I kept the receipt.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mother sends her little son out to get some edible silver balls for the top of a birthday cake...

The son misunderstands, and comes back with a bag of very small steel ball bearings. Being so tiny, nobody notices them as they're swallowed from the top of the cake. That is, until next morning...

The elder daughter comes downstairs and says "Mum, I was so uncomfortable this morning. I had...

My wife is turning 32 soon...

I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”

“What are you talking about?” she asked.

I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”

My kids love The Hulk so I painted myself green for my son’s birthday party.

Man were they excited to meet Shrek.

It was my pet dragon's birthday today

We lit the candles on his cake. He was really upset when he tried to blow them out.

Why couldn’t the dragon eat his birthday cake?

He destroyed it while trying to blow out the candles.

My nephew wanted an Xbox for his birthday but didn't get one and was very upset.

He had to be consoled.

An old woman is having her 90th birthday.

She has three sons, and each of them has been very successful in life. They realized this might be her last year, and each decided to get something special for her.

The first got thought that she must find the same old house boring after living in it for all her life and bought her a mansion....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Woman goes to buy a new parrot for her birthday.

The prices are $400, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck...

How are an anti vaccine baby’s 5th birthday and John Cena related?

They will never see it

I went to a bar for my friends birthday

We stepped into a bar after a late showing of the Aqua-Man movie to have a few drinks. Seeing how it was my friend's birthday I decided to order the first round. The waitress comes to our table and I ask for the special. The waitress gave us some beer options and a promotional drink called the Aqua-...

My girlfriend's parents called me a disgusting creep just because I am 36 and she is 24

What a horrible thing to say on our son's 10th birthday party.