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One day a guy dies...

...and finds himself in hell. Walking around, he runs into the devil.

Devil: Why are you so sad?

Guy: Why do you think? I'm in hell.

Devil: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?

Guy: Sure, I love to drink.

Devil: Well ...

An angry wife says to her husband " I should've married the devil he would've made a better husband than you!"

The husband responds "you would've been arrested because marriage between relatives is illegal in this country"

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A guy gets hit by a bus and finds himself in front of iron gates. Confused he asks where he is, "Hell," said the devil "but before you get overly concerned, it's not as bad as you think it is..."

"What!!" said the guy, starting to panic. "How can that be, I'm a good person, this can't be right, it can't be!"

"Calm down," said the devil, "the rules for going upstairs are a lot stricter than people realise - and besides, like I said before, it's really not that bad here."

Unconvi...

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone get...

what does a devil do to stay fit?

>!exorcise!<

Three men are lost in the desert with no supplies, when the devil appears before them.

The devil looks at their skin and bones, their cracked lips, and says, “I see you’re in a bit of a rough spot. I can help you - let’s play a little game. You each get one chance to name a task I can’t do. If you succeed, I’ll save you.”

The first man immediately replies, “I bet you can’t buil...

An American, an Indian, and a Russian got in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He builds a high-tech shield from depleted uranium and composites, and hides behind it. The Devil strikes once - the shield cracks; twice - the shield falls apart; thrice - the American is no more.

Next goes the Indian. He puts himself in some advanced Yoga position ...

There was once a little boy

There was once a little boy who we eating a piece if candy. It slipped out if his hand and as soon as he was going to pick it up his mom said, "Stop! Don't pick it up." The boy replied, "why?" His mom responded, "Because the devil already licked it."
The next day the little boy was watching tv wi...

Where does the Devil do his washing up?

In Helsinki

How much does the devil weigh?

A pentagram.

One day in the future, Donald Trump has a heart-attack and dies. He immediately goes to Hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do here," says the devil.

“You are on my list, but I have no room for you. You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll ...

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?

He sold his soul to Santa.

A man dies and goes to hell. a devil meets him at the gate and tells him to look around and find a place where he will stay for the eternity.

So the guy looks around and notices people in pain, suffering, flames, screams, tears everywhere. He can't find a place for himself so he keeps walking, looking, searching. At one point he looks down and sees a bit of sand...

"Sand, in hell? Weird" he thinks, lifts his eyes up and sees more s...

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The devil was feeling generous one day

So he decided to give three guys a chance to leave hell and make it to heaven.

"See that ladder over there?" he asked them, pointing to an ornate golden ladder reaching up out of the flames and into white fluffy clouds beyond.

"If you can make it to the top without laughing, I'll let h...

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The devil is showing the new arrivals around hell

The devil shows them all the different torture devices, they use the crime the people committed on earth to sort them into which punishment they get.



They hear screams coming from behind a doorway. The devil opens it and shows them people getting killed over and over. "These are the p...

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3 men make a deal with the devil

A white man, black man, and Mexican man make a deal with the devil
The devil tells them if they survive 100 days with out their biggest habbit he would grant tham immortality.
The whit guy chooses food
The black guy chooses women
And the Mexican guy chooses weed

The devil locks th...

If 666 is the devils number

Does that mean 25.8 is the root of all evil?

One Day the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game.

Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance, I've got Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here."

"Yes", laughed the devil, "but I have all the umpires!”

How does the devil tempt vacationing mathematicians?

He says "Wanna work on your tan? Cos all you have to do is sin!"

What do you call a devil stealing corporate money?

An Embeelzebuber

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A man goes to hell and the devil greets him.

He takes him to a hallway which has three different doors and tells the man he'll have to choose one room to spend the rest of eternity in.
So he takes him to the first door and he opens it and sees everyone standing on their heads on wooden floors. The man thought that would be pretty terrible t...

I think my wife has weekly sessions with the devil on how to be more evil.

I don't know what she charges him for it though.




Edit: Considering the attention, I should attribute this to the great Emo Phillips:

"People come up to me concerned... I'll reproduce"

"People come up to me and ask, Emo, do people really come up to you?"

"I len...

Calling the devil

Which number calls the devil faster than 666

It's easy you just say 10

An EA developer dies and gets do decide if wheather he wants to go to heaven or to hell.

First, he checks out heaven and sees that it's pretty standard stuff, angels, clouds, peace, but nothing really interesting.

Then he checks out hell. Really cool parties going on all over the place, infinite amount of drinks and drugs, beautiful women everywhere.

Obviously, he chooses ...

The devil walks into a church

Everyone runs out except for an old man. The devil asked him why didnt he run out? The man replies with a "I married your sister. I think i can handle you."

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An american, a german and an albanian.

An american, a german and an albanian got caught by the devil. The devil transformed into a shark and said:
"Each one if you will throw something in this lake and ill look for it. If i find it i get your soul, and if I don't you become emortal."
The american goes first and throws a pebble. Ten...

Devil's Challenge

I haven't heard this one in ages but it's been a favorite of mine for many many years....

Three men are walking through the desert. As they're traveling along, a giant hole randomly appears and swallows them up.

They fall for what seems like ages. And abruptly land completely unharme...

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer.

The devil visited a lawyer’s office and made him an offer. “I can arrange some things for you,” the devil said. “I’ll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you’ll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require ...

An Ottawa man dies and goes to hell.

When he gets there, the devil comes over to welcome him. The devil then says, “Sometimes it gets pretty uncomfortable down here.”
The man says, “No problem. I’m from Ottawa.”

So the devil goes over to the thermostat, turns the temperature up to 100, and the humidity up to 80. He then goes ...

God, the devil and a lot of lawyers

Noticing a mistake in St. Peter's roster, God calls Satan; "It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer."

"Yeah," Satan replies. "All the more for me!"

God replies, "You better send them up here immediately."

Satan say...

God decided to take the devil court..

When lucifer heard the news he laughed and said, "where does the fool think he's gonna find a lawyer".

A 6 legged insect came up to me and said “Help, my wife, Eve, has eaten an apple and is now trapped by the devil!” I asked him, “are you sure?”

He replied, “yes, I’m Adam-ant”

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A Scientist, Mathematician, and an Idiot are in a car. Crashing into a tree, all three die. They are sent to purgatory, where the Devil is waiting.

(Of course, the idiot was driving)

"Unfortunately, since heaven is quite full at the moment, I am only going to allow one of you in," the Devil says. "Whoever can ask me a question that I cannot answer correctly will be admitted into heaven. The rest will go to hell."

So the scientist ...

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Heaven is getting full

Heaven is getting full and god and the devil make an agreement, the dead have to ask a question and if the devil can answer correctly they go to hell but if he answers incorrectly they can go in. One day a scientist a mathmatition abd a hill billy all die so the devil tells them the rules and the sc...

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...

Did you hear about the man who accused the devil of going bald?

Fair to say, there was hell toupee

The devil visits Donald Trump in 1980

"I will make you rich. I will give you women. I will make you famous. I will make you president of the United States. All I want in exchange is the souls of your wives and children. They will burn in Hell for all eternity."

Trump thinks about this for a moment.

"So what's the catch?" h...

A man dies and goes to hell

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He told, "First they put you in an electric chair♨ for an hour.

Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the German devil...

what do you call it when the devil takes your car?

repossessed ...

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An Idiot is always an idiot

Three men, a philosopher, a mathematician and an idiot, were out riding in the car when it crashed into a tree.
Before anyone knows it, the three men found themselves standing before the pearly gates of Heaven, where St. Peter and the Devil were standing nearby.
"Gentlemen," the Devil starte...

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Donald Trump dies and when he gets to hell he sees the Devil

The Devil says to him, "Donald we've been expecting you. Unfortunately we are full right now and don't have room for you. But if you want I'll show you three rooms I could make available to you."

Trump agrees and the Devil opens the door to the first room and they see Richard Nixon endlessly...

*HR Manager in Heaven!*

One day while walking down the street a highly successful HR Manager was hit by a bus and she died.


Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was greeted by God himself.


"Welcome to Heaven," said God.


"Well, what we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a ...

Did you know that if you play Nickelback backwards you can hear the devil?

But what's even worse is that if you play it forwards you can hear Nickelback

Queen Elizabeth, Vladimir Putin, and George Bush die in a plane crash...

While waiting in line in hell the Devil asks them if they’d like to make a phone call back to earth, he warns them it will be expensive.

Vladimir goes first, he calls a few of his comrades, and is off the phone in 2 minutes. The devil tells him that’ll be $2 million. He says he doesn’t have ...

I thought marijuana was the devil's lettuce

But now it's legal and Romaine is banned

Never get behind the devil in a Q at the post office

...for the devil takes many forms

Vladamir Putin, Donald Trump, and Kim Jong Un all die and go to hell.

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it's for calling back to Earth. Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.
Next Donald Trump c...

Devil in the church

Satan appeared before a small town congregation. Everyone started screaming and running for the front church door, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away.

Soon everyone was gone except for an elderly gentleman who sat calmly.

Satan walked up to him and said, "Don't you kn...

Muslim Handicapped Man Devil Stoning At Hajj

A Paraplegic, one eye blind, one arm disabled and deaf muslim man goes to Hajj. During stoning of Devil;
Devil asks: What happened to your legs?
Man answers: It's work of Allah.
D: What happened to your arm?
M: It's work of Allah.
D: What happened to your ear?
M: It's w...

I tried to sue the Devil for cruel and unusual punishment

but I lost because, naturally, he had access to the best lawyers in the world.

What did the devil say when he looked in the mirror?

I'm hella cute

The Devil’s in the details

A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, ‘No, let me see the next room.’ In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to the...

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Hitler and the Devil are bored in hell. [NSFW]

So the Satan and Hitler are chillin in hell. Hitler mentions "Damn dude im so bored what is there to do around here?"
Satan just says "I know exactly what to do!" and waves at Hitler to follow him.

They enter a dark room, when Satan sparks up the lights Hitler sees a huge furnace in the mi...

Why is the Devil masculine?

He’s evil with a D.

A guy died and went to hell.

There he met the devil and the devil said, "you have been a bad person when you were alive, I'm gonna have you choose an activity behind these three doors and you have to do it for eternity." The guy agreed.
The devil opened door #1, and there was a young man tied up on a table being burned by f...

What do you call a traditional Indian monk who partakes in the devil's lettuce?

A Merry Jain.

Have you ever danced with the devil in the pale La La Land?

Edit: *Moonlight. My bad.

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A priest and a nun are driving down the road when the devil jumps on their windshield

"Turn the wipers on!" says the nun. He does and the devil stays clinging to the car.

"Slam the breaks!" says the nun. He does and the devil still holds on.

"Show him you're cross!" says the nun. "Get the FUCK off my car!" says the priest.

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A man dies and is being greeted by the Devil at the gates of Hell. The Devil says “Welcome to Hell, sir, we’re here 24 hours a day to serve all your hedonistic needs!” The man, perplexed, says “Oh really? I thought Hell was supposed to be a terrible place, where you are punished for all your sins!”

“Oh no, that’s just a big misunderstanding” says the Devil. “Those religious folks just try to keep you scared so you’ll behave, but it’s not like that at all.”
“Oh, well that’s great!” says the man, starting to relax a bit.

“Let me show you around here,” the Devil says, and the two start ...

If the rap god and rap devil are fighting?

Does that mean we all missed the rapture?

A guy gets hit by a car and goes to hell. When he gets there, the devil is standing in front of 3 doors.

The devil says, "It's your lucky day. I'm
gonna give you a chance to get out of hell. You
have to complete 3 tasks.

"Behind this first door is a 1-gallon jug of Jack
Daniel's. You have to drain it in one drink.

"Behind the second door is a 600 lb. grizzly bear
with a sore t...

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot arrive at the pearly gates...

...St. Peter says to them" Sorry, heaven is quite full, so we can only let one of you in."
Suddenly "Poof!" Lucifer appears.
Lucifer tells them "You may each ask me one question. If you are able to ask me a question that I cannot answer, you will be allowed into heaven; if not you will be sen...

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The husband leans over and asks his wife

"Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."

Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it ...

Why did the Devil get arrested?

Possession.

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A priest said that masturbation is the devils typewriter

Guess im writing a novel tonight

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Hell no.

A man dies and is sent to hell. He meets the devil who offers him three choices of punishment for the sins that he had committed. The devil tells the man, "There are three torture rooms, of which you will pick one and go in to replace the person who is being punished in that room. The choice is your...

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An alcoholic, a sex addict, and a stoner are all in hell...

The devil comes up to each of them and says he'll grant them each one wish.

So the devil goes and asks the alcoholic what he would like to wish for and the alcoholic responds "I wish for all the liquor I can drink!" The devil grants his wish and moves on to the sex addict. The sex addict wi...

A poor man fall asleep one night and the devil appears in his dream

The devil says to him "I shall grant you any worldly wish you desire but at a price"

The poor man asks "I've only got my six string and very little money, however I can earn money if I play guitar well. So I wish to be the greatest guitar player the world has ever seen."

The devil rep...

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A man dies and goes to hell.

The devil says he must choose a room in hell to spend the rest of eternity in. He walks into the first room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a wood floor.

He thinks "No way. I can't do that for eternity"

He walks into the second room and sees a bunch of people doing head...

I hear the devil is good at gardening.

Why else would everyone want his lettuce so badly?

Heaven or Hell

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to heaven," says St.. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom ...

An engineer dies and goes to heaven.

When he arrives St. Peter looks at the book and scratches his head. He says 'You were involved in some great civil engineering projects so I ought to let you into heaven but you were also involved in weapons programs that resulted in great loss of life' 'I am sorry but you will have to go to hell'. ...

The Devil burst through the floor of a church in Brooklyn

He starts roaring and shouting in everyone's face saying, "DOOMS DAY HAS COME AND ALL YOUR SOULS ARE NOW MINE!" And he begins to laugh maniacally.
Everybody runs out screaming in terror except for one old dude who is giving him the evil eye. So The Devils gets right in face and roars his loudest ...

The Devil went to a small church...

The congregation at a die hard church was in full swing when with a stench of brimstone and puff of smoke the devil appeared! All them members ran from the church except one little old man in the first row who sat looking calmly at him.
The devil loomed over the old man and growled " Do you real...

A man dies and goes to Hell.

The devil greets him:

- You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They'll go to heaven and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room.

The devil leads him to the first room where some...

To play devil’s advocate on this whole Net Neutrality thing...

He’s sure looking forward to meeting Ajit Pai

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The Devil gives three men a chance to get into Heaven

Three men die and get sent straight to the Gates of Hell where they meet the Devil who tells them that if they can answer his question correctly, they can go to Heaven.

The Devil grabs a chair and stabs five holes into it, sits on the chair and farts.

Devil: If you can tell me which ho...

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A white, black, and Mexican are in hell...

A black man, a white man, and a Mexican die and are sent to Hell. The Devil looks at them and says "You can choose any shield of your choice, and if you survive 3 lashes from my whip you can go to Heaven."

The Mexican says "I want a shield of diamond." It breaks on the first lash and he doesn...

Latvian man die and go to hell

Latvian man die and go to hell.

Once there, devil punish. He say: Man, go burn in lake of fire.

But man is warm. Man is happy.

So devil make lake even hotter. But man now warmer. Now he is even more happy.

Devil get angry. So freeze fire lake into ice lake. Now lake is co...

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