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Little old lady decides to join the Hell's Angels

A little old lady decides to join The Hell’s Angels so one day she goes up and knocks on their clubhouse door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She boldly proclaims, “I want to join your club.”

The guy is amused, and decides to humor her a bit, so he says sh...

After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, "what are you going to do now?"

God said,

"I think I'm going to call it a day."

The hells angels are riding....

On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped.
John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the S...

All women are angels

Some are just more biblically accurate than others

(I know it’s bad but I couldn’t get it out of my head)

God spoke to His angels

He said, "after extensive trials I have figured out a way to rotate a planet so it receives an even distribution of sunlight and evening."

"Wow," said one angel. "What are you going to do now, sir? "

And God said, "Call it a day."

God was creating all the countries and it was Canada's turn

He turned to his angels and said "this country will have unmatched beauty, plenty of natural resources, and its citizens will be the happiest and friendliest in the world"

The angels ask God, "aren't you blessing this country a little TOO much?" and God replies, "wait till you see who their n...

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a
seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the
counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned ...

How do angels cook meals in heaven?

They put them in the Microwave on High

My grandmother's favorite joke

A priest dies and arrives in heaven. Here, a couple of angels greet him, shake his hand, and welcome him.

A few moments later, a drunken Peruvian bus driver appears. He is welcomed with a celebration, fireworks, and God himself comes to welcome him.

At this point, the priest, somewhat...

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F**ck cheesy chat-up lines, we need better break-up lines:

Hey baby, are you being followed? Because I've been seeing people behind your back.

Is it hot in here, or are you just suffocating me in this relationship?

I didn't know angels flew this close to the ground. Maybe that's because this angel's gained a little weight since we started goin...

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When nuns are admitted to Heaven they go through a special gate and are expected to make one last confession before they become angels.

Several nuns are lined up at this gate waiting to be absolved of their last sins before they are made holy.

And so," says St. Peter, "have you ever had any contact with a penis?"

"Well," says the first nun in line, "I did once just touch the tip of one with the tip of my finger." ...

How do angels light a candle?

With a match made in heaven.

Two angels run out of weed...

One angel is very upset but the other consoles him. "fear not," he says and points at Jesus. "for he has resin."

God is talking to one of his angels and says

“Do you know what I have just done? I have just created a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness on Earth. Isn’t that good?”

The angel says, “Yes, but what will you do now?”

God says, “I think I’ll call it a day.”

Why do angels smell so good?

Because their scent from God.

God is talking to one of His angels.

He asks, "Gabriel, what are the humans doing down there?"

The angel replies, "It seems that they are drinking milk, Lord."

"What sort of milk?" asks God. "I gave them many animals to drink milk from; the cows, the goats..."

"Um...almonds, Lord."

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God was talking to one of his angels

God: how many animals do we have left?

Angel: 2

God: and how many legs do we have left?

Angel: 100

Centipede: DIBS!

Snake: Fuck you, asshole

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Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car that said

“TWO PROSTITUTES $50.00." A policeman stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail.
Just then, another car passed with a sign saying, "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the cop, "Why don't you stop them?"
Well, that's a little different," the cop smiled. ...

Why some put angels as Christmas tree toppers.

One year, Santa procrastinated too much and had an hour to go over his naughty nice list.

He was in a cabin gaining some progress when he heard a knock on his door. "Santa, we need your help in the workshop!"

Frustrated, Santa yelled "I'm busy right now, handle it yourselves. I can't ...

In Heaven, the angels asked God where he would spend his next vacation.

Definitely not earth, God said. Last time I went there, I got a girl pregnant and they still haven't stopped taking about it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Norm MacDonald died today

When he got to heaven, the angels told him it was mandatory that he take an eye exam to enter. And they all watched.

He read it out loud: “E-I-E-I-Ohhh you guys are DICKS!”

RIP Norm.

A calligrapher died peacefully in his sleep.

He soon woke up in a land of paradise. He spent the next few days exploring. Heaven was exactly as he imagined—pristine rolling hills, golden castles upon cloud tops, reunions with lost loved ones, and endless opportunities to explore one's hobbies. He had access to the finest selection of inks and ...

What do angels use to make music?

Soundclouds

How the Angel Came to be on Top of the Christmas Tree

There had been no snow during the entire month of November, and there
didn't appear to be coming any snow any time soon, either. The elves in
the bicycle department had been on strike since October, and there was the
possibility that the elves in the doll department might join them.
...

What do you call someone with a lisp who murders angels and ghosts?

Ethereal killer

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The 40 year old virgin.

John was 40 years old, but still a virgin. He tried everything possible to get laid, but to no avail. So as a last resort, he decided to pray to the angels up in heaven.

He made it a habit of praying, before going to bed.10 years passed and on his 50th birthday, an angel appeared before him ...

A politician dies. Instead of going straight to heaven or hell, a spirit appears to him.

The spirit tells him that, rather than being judged for his sins, he gets to choose whether he goes to heaven or hell.

The politician replies that of course he wants to go to heaven. The spirit tells him that before he chooses, he has to visit both places so each one will get a fair chance.<...

Last winter, I made snow angels

I lost control and took out three pedestrians

A politician dies...

...and ends up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at him and finds his name in his book.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes. Is there a problem?"

"Oh no, there is no problem. But we have a policy for people in your profession, you have to spend a day each in heaven and he...

Why their are Angels on top of the Xmas Tree

Have you ever wondered how the tradition of putting an angel on the tree started? It may not be as magical as you might think,

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

T...

Two angels were assigned to giving names to the lengths of time

After creating the names for the year, the month, the week and the hour, they still needed a name for the 24 hour period, but since they had done so much already, they decided to pack their things up and call it a day

The Capitol rioters could soon become angels

If only Trump manages to persuade them to storm the Pentagon next

2020 has an awful beginning, God send out angels

Angels fly to Jan 28th in Jamaica and alert people "there will be a big earthquake". people saved there say to angels: "you saved many lives, please have a rest!"

Angels fly to Jan 26th in L.A USA and alert Kobe" there will be a flight crash", Kobe saved and says to angels "you saved many li...

Satan was angry because Jesus was always so much better on the computer than he was.

So he went to God and said, "I have been practicing really hard, and although I can't beat Jesus at much of anything, I am pretty sure that I can beat him at computers. So will you set up a contest between us to see once and for all who is the best?"

God reluctantly agrees. He sets up two c...

I made snow angels this Christmas...

My car skidded on the ice and I hit 3 pedestrians.

A Priest dies and goes to heaven. As he's approaching the gates, he hears a band of singing and dancing angels approach, and he begins to get excited.

The lead angel approaches the Priest and asks if he would mind stepping aside for a moment.

Surprised, the Priest does as he's asked.

The angels march out of the gates and encircle a man who has also approached the gates. The man is in a bus driver uniform.

The joyous parade of ...

God was showing off the mountains he made to his angels...

He showed them the Alps, the Himalayas, and the Pyrenees.

Impressed, the first angel said "that's nice, got any more?"

God replied, "oh yeah, Andes."

Ever wonder why angels are put on top of Christmas trees?

‘‘Twas the night before Christmas, to Santa’s dismay

Because the North Pole was in a bad way

The elves were on strike and not making toys

And the reindeer were out getting drunk with the boys

Santa sat in his sleigh and pondered his plight

When what came his way ...

My dad was watches every Angels games. He's been a fan since way back...

...back when they were still humans.

Anti-Vaxxer moms are the true unsung angels.

They are the key for solving overpopulation.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s a knock on the door of the Hells Angels clubhouse

Big hairy biker goes to answer and there’s a little grey haired old lady standing there.

Old lady: I’d like to join the Hells Angels

Biker (a bit flabbergasted): Jeez, I dunno, what about a hog?

Old lady: Oh, that’s no problem, I just bought a brand new Harley.

Biker: Wel...

"Excuse me, is this pool stirred up by angels and imbued with healing properties?"

"No, Sir, I'm afraid this font is sans-Seraph."

A priest was hiking in the woods when suddenly a mountain lion appeared…..

…. readyto devour the man whole.
The priest quickly falls to his knees, looks up to the heavens and prays, "Dear God, please teach this lion mercy and give him religion." A chorus of angels is heard as a beam of light shines down on the mountain lion.

The lion then drops to his knees, lo...

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