Just saw Elvis at the hardware store...

Returned a sander!

If Elvis only wrote sad songs

He would be known as Elvis Depressly

What was Elvis Presley's last greatest hit?

The bathroom floor.

My Pet Mouse Elvis Died Today

He Was Caught In A Trap

Saw a guy in the power tool department at Home Depot who looked a lot like Elvis.

Returned a sander.

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I asked the hairdresser to cut my hair like Elvis.

Stupid bastard started dancing around the shop.

What would Elvis be doing if he was alive today?

Probably banging on the lid of his coffin

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Teacher: Your son is just like Elvis

Parents: Oh really? How?

Teacher: We found him dead on the crapper.

They said Elvis was the King of rock and roll, but do you know who the Queen is?

Elizabeth II

Watch out for a scam phone call.

The caller says, You have won $1.000.000 dollars


or Tickets to an Elvis Presley tribute Concert.


Just press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

What gets all shook up and comes on your salad?

Elvis Parsley.

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.

It will be for people who love meat tender.

What do you call an Arabian Elvis in an earthquake?

Amal Shookup

Elvis climbs out of his swimming pool..

..watched by his wife Priscilla. As soon as he climbs out he falls back in again. This happens over and over until finally Priscilla asks him what's going on.

"I just can't help falling in, love."

I have decided to call my new mouse Elvis

Don’t you know it’s caught in a trap and can’t walk out..

Howdy this is Elvis and I have a joke for you fine people today. How come my hair has turned grey?

Because I never dyed.

Did you know Elvis was a big fan of Chicken Strips?

He even wrote a song about them called “Love Me Tender”.

An old lady goes into a tattoo shop and says to the tattoo artist, "I want a tattoo of Elvis Presley on my inner thigh."

The artist agrees and says that he would be happy to do a portrait of Elvis for her.

He finishes up the tattoo and tells the old lady to check it out. She looks down and is furious. "This looks nothing like Elvis! I'm not paying for this!" she yells.

"Are you kidding me? That's th...

Tatoos of Elvis

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and asks for a picture of Elvis be tattooed high up on her left thigh.

The tattoo guy complies, but when he's done, the woman looks at the result and says "That doesn't look like Elvis at all!"

The guy says, "I can't do anything to remove it, but I cou...

What was Elvis's last greatest hit?

His head on the corner of the sink.

To celebrate the launch of the new website we are offering one lucky winner $50 in cash or a meal for 2 at an Elvis Presley tribute.

Just comment '1' for the money or '2' for the show.

I don't understand how Elvis got so fat

He ate nothing but a hound dog

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I can't believe no one liked my Elvis impersonation

Personally, I think that having a drug overdose on the crapper was spot on.

A bus full of Elvis enthusiasts has crashed on their way to an Elvis convention.

Witnesses say no one was injured but they're all shook up.

I got a phone call from my son's school today

Hello, is that Mr Jenkins?

Yes, how can I help you?

Hi, This is little Billy’s music teacher calling

Oh, hi

Yeah, hi. I just wanted to let you know it looks like you have a little Elvis Presley on your hands!

Really? Wow! That’s..

Yeah, we just found him dea...

The Pope visits the USA.

When he arrives at the airport, there is a group of people chanting "Elvis, Elvis, Elvis!" The Pope is a little confused, then says: "I am not Elvis. I am the Pope. God bless you and your families."

Later, when he arrives at his hotel, there is a bunch of people welcoming him there as well....

Why can’t Elvis drive his car in reverse?

He’s dead

Elvis tattoo

A woman goes to a tattoo parlor and asks the tattoo artist to do a tattoo of Elvis's face on her left leg right near her crotch. So the guy does it. She gets up to look at it and screams "that looks aweful! That doesn't look anything like Elvis!" The guy says I think your wrong but to make you feel ...

My wife just left me, screaming, "ALL YOU EVER DO IS QUOTE ELVIS PRESLEY LYRICS TO ME!"

I'm all shook up…

A woman got a tattoo of Elvis Presley on her inner thigh

A woman got a tattoo of Elvis Presley on her inner thigh, but she didn’t think it looked like Elvis at all. She complained to the artist who reluctantly agreed to try to redo the tattoo in the same spot on the other leg, which the woman agreed to.

After the artist was done, the woman realize...

Elvis was driving down the highway when he got into an accident.

The paramedics found him and realised he was in shock and so they told him, "Mr. Presley, we need you to step out of the vehicle, you're all shook up."

"Uhuh huh"

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A drunk guy is in a bar.......

A drunk guy is in a bar when he suddenly says "Hey everyone! I bet I can fart the national anthem!" People start coming wondering if he'd really do it. The man then takes off his pants,kneels on the bare counter and takes a shit. The angry bartender then asks him what the fuck he was doing and the d...

I never understood why people are surprised to hear Elvis died on the toilet.

Historically it's rare for a King to leave the throne alive.

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I just met a guy in the supermarket who really reminded me of Elvis.

He walked up to me and said ‘don’t you fucking DARE forget about Elvis’.

A lady goes into a tattoo palor...

to get a tat of Elvis on the inside of her thigh.

Her and the artist pick out an Elvis she likes and he goes to work.

When he's finished, she looks down and flips out! "That doesn't look anything thing like Elvis"!

They argue back and forth for a bit, and he tells her he'll do o...

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At a party, I went to get a fruit cocktail and had to queue behind Elvis, Sasquatch and a Pterodactyl, and I thought to myself…

This is a really weird punchline.

Anyone got any good Elvis jokes?

I'm the master of ceremony (as Elvis) for a Vegas-themed casino night. Thanks Reddit!

What does Elvis wear on his feet when he can't find his Blue Suede Shoes?

His Jailhouse Crocs

My son's music teacher called me "your son is just like Elvis!"

"Is he an equally talented singer?" I asked.

"No", she replied. "We found him dead on a toilet."

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I always wanted to become the world's youngest Elvis impersonator. My childhood was nonstop guitar practice voice training and dance class. I went to countless auditions before ever hitting puberty My performance was flawless but every time but every audition ended the same way...

... they looked me right in my face & said sorry kid you don't have the Chops.

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My take on a shaggy dog story

A man walks into a bar, orders a pint and sees a sign pinned up above the till - “talking cat, going cheap.”

He calls the barman over and asks him what the deal with the cat is and can he have a look at it. The man shrugs, goes into the back and returns with a mangy old Tom cat.

“Here ...

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Father O’Mally has been preaching

at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Veg...

Want to hear my tribute to Elvis?

Thanks, Elvis.

A homeless man goes to a fortune teller...

A homeless man who spends his days street performing on an old guitar for some loose change decides to spend the money on a fortune teller one day.


The fortune teller tells the homeless man that she has good news and bad news for him. The homeless asks to hear the good news first. ...

Elvis Presley reportedly sent back shoes because they said "Made In China".

He always wanted a little less Converse Asian

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got fired from my job as a music teacher today

Called a student's house and told his parents, "you know, your son John is pretty good in my class. He reminds me of a young Elvis."

"Oh really? Is he really that gifted in music?"

"No," I replied. "I just found him dead on the toilet."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John was starting to worry about his 12 year old son Jack.

Jack was a D student, and only because John helped complete all of Jack's homework. Jack wasn't good at sports. He didn't have many friends. And it seemed like once a week he was getting called into the principal's office for some sort of misbehavior. So John told Jack, in a last ditch effort to get...

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor...

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor and asked to have her favorite two country stars tattooed on her thighs. “I want Elvis’ face right her on this thigh, and Johnny Cash’s face on the other one.” After the work was done, she walked out onto the sidewalk and stopped the first man she saw – a fellow st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yesterday my GF seemed very nervous about giving me head...

..and instead was wildly smacking and hitting my thighs and lower stomach.
She seemed to be beating around the bush.

People always say I should be lucky to be able to live off workers comp, but it cost me an arm and a leg!

I was out of town for a couple weeks and I decided letting m...

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In honor of the papal visit, I submit the worst, longest, most tortuous pope joke I know.

It's 1969.

China and the Soviet Union are on the brink of open hostilities. The war would kill us all. And only the pope can save the day.

Well, so thinks Richard Nixon.

See, he'd been up all night watching *The Shoes of the Fisherman*, and it was such a harrowing vision that he...

Mum and dad take little Johnny for a singing lesson...

They come back an hour later to pick him up and when the teacher answers the door he says “I think we’ve found the next Elvis!”

“Really?” asked the mum, “Is his voice that good?”
“No, it’s terrible. I mean he just died on the toilet”

Beware of a new scam message going around

I just got a text message saying "Congratulations you are the winner of the Elvis tribute competition.

You have a choice of two prizes you can take,
Option 1 is £50.00
Option 2 is for 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute concert

To make your choice
text
1 for the money or 2 for t...

STILL THE KING

I think the best analogy for where we are right now is that America is Elvis Presley -- the most beautiful, talented, rebellious nation in the history of Earth. And now, you're in your Vegas years. You've squeezed yourself into a white jumpsuit, you're wheezing your way through 'Love Me Tender' and ...

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