I let a blind man borrow ten bucks.

He told me he’d pay me back the next time he sees me.

I just won a million bucks!

Just wish I had the money to make a place for them to live

I walked into a store and noticed they were selling deer nuts for $1.25

Every other time I've seen them, they were under a buck.

I found 100 bucks outside a liquor store

At first I thought I should just leave it hoping the owner would find it. Then I thought "What would Jesus do?". So I went into the store and turned it into wine.

If you wish to keep a friend away for a few months, ask him to loan you a 1000 bucks. If you wish to keep a friend away forever...

loan him a 1000 bucks.

What's the difference between a double barrel shotgun and a single barrel shotgun?

The double barrel gives you more buck for your bang.

I found fifty bucks inside a liquor store

They were just shopping for a stag party.

A mobster discovers that his deaf accountant has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.

He confronts him, bringing along an interpreter. "Ask him where the money is," the mobster says.

The interpreter does so, and the accountant signs back, "What are you talking about?"

The interpreter tells the godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The mo...

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Little Johnny sells a duck

One day a farmer decides to sell 3 of his ducks. He gives one to each of his sons, Billy, Bobby and Johnny and tells them to go to market and see what they can get for the ducks.

So Billy goes to market and comes back, and he says to his dad “hey dad!! I got ten bucks for that duck!” “Very go...

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A farmer has three daughters...

Who all have dates on the same night. Considering how protective the farmer is as a father, he sat and waited for the boys with a shotgun in hand.

The first boy showed up: “I’m Eddy, lookin’ for Betty. We plan on spaghetti from Teddy’s, is she ready?”

The farmer took a good look at the...

How does a buck love a doe?

Deerly

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenage girl was at a catholic confession booth...

Verry embarrased, she admitted that she had gotten a bit too frisky with her boyfriend the night before.

Now, the priest was relatively new to this position in the church, and didnt know how to correctly assign penance for her actions, so he told her he needed to pray for a minute to hear wha...

Boy: I'll pay you 10 bucks to climb up the flagpole.

Girl: Ok! (climbs the flagpole)

-Later that day-

Girl: Mommy Mommy a boy paid me 10 bucks to climb the flagpole.

Mom: He just wanted to see your underwear!

-Next Day-

(Same boy): I'll pay you 20 BUCKS to climb the flagpole!

Girl: OK thanks! (climbs the flag...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A prostitute told me she would do anything for 50 bucks

I'm getting my house painted

Guy walks into a bar with a brown paper bag and orders a beer. The barman delivers but notices something moving in the bag and asks what's in it.

Guy puts his hand in the bag and pulls out a small piano, then a tiny chair and finally a miniature guy in a tuxedo that proceeds to sit down and play.

"That's amazing," says the barman. "Where did you get him?"

Guy pulls a genie's lamp out of his jacket.

"Wow, do you mind if I ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

'NSFW' A lioness has mating period in the zoo, but they have no lion.

So a worker asks the owner:

-What should we do?

-Ask dumb Jimmy, our zookeeper, he'll probably fuck her for couple hundred bucks.

So the worker goes to Jimmy:

-Hey Jim, would you fuck a lioness for 200$ bucks?

-With pleasure, but I don't have the money now, can you...

Son: "Mom can I get twenty bucks?"

Mom: Does it look like I am made of money

Son: "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a prostitute offered me to do anything for 500 bucks..

I asked her to complete the remote helicopter mission in the GTA Vice City

Anybody know how much Deer antlers cost?

I was told they're always 2 for a Buck.

$50 is $50

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year, and every year Buddy would say,
'Edna,I'd like to ride in that helicopter'
Edna always replied,
'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks'
One year Buddy and Edna went to the f...

3 bucks for climbing a tree

A mom picked up her daughter at an elementary school.
The daughter happily hop in the car and said,"Mommy! I earned 30 bucks today!"

"How?" the mom was both surprised and confused.

"My classmate John paid me 3 bucks to climb a tree, and I climbed 10 times!" the daughter replied. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm walking thru Central Park and a guy says to me: "5 bucks, you can talk to my ducks"

"Ducks can't talk" says I.

"5 bucks, you can talk to them, I promise"

"You know what, I have nothing to do, here's 5 bucks"

I walk to the first duck "Hey duckie, how was your day?"

"Oh, you know, the usual, in and out of puddles all day"

"HOLY SHIT, They do tal...

This past week I made a couple bucks selling fake eclipse glasses

I'm not to worried though, those suckers will never see me again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A truck drivers wife is standing buck naked staring at herself in the mirror

She says to herself "I'm fat and wrinkly, my skin is old and weather worn, my hair is falling out and I just don't feel beautiful anymore"

She turns to her husband and says 'Honey, I'm fat and wrinkly, my skin is old and weather worn, my hair is falling out and I just don't feel beautiful any...

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A woman gave her little boy a dollar and told him to go spend it wisely

So the boy walks out the door and starts walking down the street, when he sees a man holding a duck.

"Hey mister," the boy asks, "that's a nice duck. Where did you get it?"

"I found it," the man said, "and I'm taking it to the market to sell."

"How much do you want for it?"...

Two blondes at the cinema, one says to the other I bet that girl falls out of that boat and into the lake, second blonde, no way, I bet you 50 bucks, sure enough the girl falls into the lake, second blonde says how did you know that?

first blonde, I saw this film last week, second says so did I, didn't think she would do it twice.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fifty bucks

A mother tells her son to go into town to sell their duck for food money, the boy does as she says and goes into the town square. There he meets a young lady on the street corner who tells him "I have a few uses for a duck but I don't have any money, what do you say we go inside and roll in the hay ...

A man walks into a bar

And he sees a 1 foot tall bloke dancing on the keyboard of a piano. He asks the bartender, "Where did you get the lil guy from?" The bartender replied "I got him from this wishing rock", gesturing to a small black rock on the counter.

The man asked if he can give it a try. The bartender said...

A guy pulls a tiny piano from his trench coat and places it on the bar...

A few people stop to watch what he's doing. He then reaches in and pulls out a tiny piano bench. By now a crowd of people has gathered to see what is going on. Finally the man pulls out a man that is about a foot tall. The little man sits down and plays the most amazing piano that anyone has ever he...

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A young, southern buck went to Las Vegas.

Sitting in a cocktail lounge, and sipping on some bourbon, he beckoned the waitress and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady. Can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Wow, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around t...

A beggar asks a man for 5 bucks.

Man: "What do you need 5 bucks for?". Beggar: "I need it to buy drugs". Man: "Oh yeah? And how do i know you won't spend it on food?"

A priest and a bishop were walking downtown...

...when a attractive hooker invitingly said to them, “How about it... twenty dollars a pop?” They looked at each other quizzically, then said politely to the hooker, “No, thank you.”

They walked on and another lady of the night asked them, “How about it... twenty dollars a pop? And again the...

A father has forbade his daughters from dating until they are 18.

On their 18th birthdays they of course all have dates. The father says "Your dates can pick you up, that way I can give 'em the once over". "Ok daddy" the 3 daughter's replied in unison. Later that night the first gentleman arrives, rings the doorbell, and the father answers the door with a shotg...

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The National Poetry Contest had come down to two semifinalists: a Yale graduate and a redneck from Wyoming.

They were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was "Timbuktu".


First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:



Slowly across the desert sand ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a beaver god, named Buck...

Buck owned a store that sold houses to other beaver gods. Buck was very picky about who can and can't come into the store, so he stood by the door every day to make sure that only beaver gods came in.

One day, dog god named Susan walked into the store with her pet donkey, Harry. Susan always ...

Two men are sitting in the cinema waiting for the movie to start

so they get bored with all the commercials and suddenly one of the two notices a bald guy in the middle of the front row. So he tells his friend '' 5 bucks if i go smash his head ? ''. The other guy curious about the outcome likes the idea so he agrees. The man stands up goes down the stairs smashes...

A dumb guy visits a hunting club and asks a hunter how he killed his first buck.

The hunter says he got his gun, went into the woods, followed the tracks, and shot the buck. The dumb guy, satisfied with the answer, soon leaves.

The following day the dumb guy returns to the hunter and asks how he shot his first rabbit. The hunter says he got his gun, went into the woods, f...

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag...

A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.


The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pul...

The world is ending tomorrow and you have 10 bucks. What do you buy?

A pack of Lifesavers

What’s the difference between bucks and fawns?

Your mom won’t get on her knees for five fawns

I got a pair of jeans for a buck

Idk what it wanted jeans for, but I'm a charitable friend to animals.

A Jewish kid goes to his dad and says, "Dad, I need to borrow fifty bucks".

The dad says, "Forty bucks? I don't have thirty bucks, what do you need twenty bucks for?"

A guy orders a beer. "That will be five bucks," says the bartender. The guy places his keyboard on the counter.

"Just put it on my tab."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man goes up to his father and asks him, "Can i have twenty bucks for a blow job?"

Father replies, " i don't know, are you any good?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

"I feel like 790,000 bucks!!"

Said a woman feeling like a million bucks.

Finding out your ex got fat is like finding 20 bucks in your pocket.

Not life changing but definitely puts a smile on your face.

What do you call a buck that can't see?

I have no-eye-deer!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old and young buck were on a hill

Looking down into the valley full of does. The young buck says " I'm going to run down there and fuck one of those does." The older buck replies "You go right ahead. I'm going to walk down and fuck them all."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ten bucks says you won't do it.

So this man walks into a bar, and notices a large jar on the counter stuffed with cash. He orders a drink, and he asks the bartender, "What's the deal with the jar?"
The bartender replies, "You put ten bucks in, complete the challenge, and you win the jar."
"So what's the challenge?"
"Sorry...

Why should you always hunt deer with a high powered rifle?

To get the most bang for your buck.

"Fifty Bucks is Fifty Bucks" reminded me of this one.

A man and his wife were driving from New York to California. Along the way the wife would find every little thing wrong with her husband's driving.
"You're driving too fast." "You missed that exit." "You're tailgating."
This went on throughout the trip. As their car crossed the border ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

50 Bucks is 50 Bucks...

Jake and Mabel are a married couple and they are barely scraping by each year. The only time they spend any extra money is when they visit the county fair. Every time they go to the fair, there is a helicopter ride that circles the entire fair.

Jake says to Mabel, “Gee I really wish we could...

Why does the buck stop with Trump?

After that, it gets laundered and is untraceable

"I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."

An old man is sitting quietly at a bar drinking whisky. After an hour of steady drinking, he leans over and says to the young man next to him, "I bet you 20 bucks I can bite my eye."
Obviously this is impossible, and seeing an opportunity to take an easy 20 off a drunk, the young man says, "Oka...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bubba and his three brothers Billy, Buck and Bob were driving their brand new truck one morning.

Suddenly they were rear ended by an old man. Furious, they pulled over and were about to beat the shit out of him.

Man - "Hold on, this is unfair. There are four of you and I'm just a weak old man."

Bubba - "You're right. Billy and Bob, you two fight on his side to make it even."
...

A Jewish kid asks his dad for 50 bucks.

His dad says, "40 dollars? What do you want 30 dollars for?"

Hard to title: a man walks into a bar

A man walks into a dive. On the edge of the bar, he sees a man maybe a foot tall playing a small piano. He is impressed and orders a beer from the bartender. Upon receiving the drink, he asks the bartender, "Hey, where did you find this guy?"

"Oh, as it turns out, someone couldn't pay their t...

What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?

Beer nuts are a buck fifty and deer nuts are always under a buck

So a guy walks into bar and reaches into his pocket...

From his pocket, he produces a very small grand piano. A moment later, he produces a 1ft tall man from his other pocket and places him down next to the piano. The little man immediately sits down and begins to play the piano, and remarkably well at that. The bar patrons are amazed and one of them ap...

"You look like a million bucks",

said Bill Gates disappointedly to his wife.

When hunters go ammunition shopping, they have a reputation for being cheapskates...

They’re always trying to get the best bang for their buck

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A duck.

A man and his son live alone on a failed farm, the man turns to hi son and says, "Son, I need to take this duck into town and sell it for the highest amount you can."

The son nods and quickly takes the duck into town. As he is walking through the streets a young woman spots him and calls him ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Fifteen Bucks

A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.

So he went out to the front of th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks in to a bar with a box under his arm and says to the barman, “If I can show something you have never seen before will you give me a free drink?”

Now the barman has seen mostly everything in his time and says, “Sure, impress me and hell, I’ll give you a free tab for the eve!” So the man puts down the box and opens it and then he pulls a small piano out of it and places it on the bar and then a little man as well. The little man walks up to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If most people only care about getting a bang for their buck...

Do prostitutes only care about getting a buck for their bang?

A man goes into the doctor.

He says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"
The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."
"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has thi...

So i met a hooker today who said she would do anything for five bucks

Guess who got their homework done!

I went to a brothel that took deer as payment

They described it as the best bang for your buck

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy bets a bartender 200 bucks that he can piss clear across his bar.

The guy stands on the bar and starts pissing all over the place on the bar, the stools and the patrons not even close to across the bar. Everyone is laghing at his failed attempt as he pays the 200 bucks. The bartender asks why he's laghing after he just lost the bet he replies I just bet the guy ou...

I bet someone fifteen bucks that there is no way all the jokes in the world were in one place.

He promptly took out r/jokes, but realized there are billions of posts, but only twelve actual jokes.

Needless to say I won that money

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Retiring mail man

So a retiring mail man is making his route on his last day. He has been working the route for 30 years. He receives a few thank you cards, and some small gifts, which really makes him feel appreciated.

As his day is coming to an end, he comes to one of the final houses. As he puts the mail in...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

200 Bucks

A guy goes over to his buddy's house, rings the bell, but his buddy's wife answers. "Hi is Tony home?" "No, he went to the store." "Well, you mind if I wait?" "No, come in." They sit down and the friend says "You know, Nora, you have the greatest breasts I have ever seen. I'd give you a hundred buck...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man had three sons...

... a smart one, an average one, and a dumb one. One day he says to the smart one, it's time for you to go out into the world and prove yourself. He gave him a TV and told him, "see how much money you can get for it." He gave the average son a radio and told him the same thing. The dumb kid said "W...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, "I would like to join this damn church."

The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"

"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!"

"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary lea...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Farmboy goes into town... NSFW

A young farmer's father calls him outside and tells him to take the duck into town to sell it, and learn a thing or two about life as a man.
The young man walks into town holding the duck, and gets a few streets in before a prostitute peeks her head out of a doorway and asks "Would you like me t...

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver

A little boy gets on the public bus and sits right behind the bus driver. The boy keeps repeatedly saying," If my mom was a cow and my dad was a bull, I'd be a little calf. If my mom was a hen and my dad was a chicken, I'd be a little chick. If my mom was a deer and my dad was a buck, I'd be a littl...

The Deaf Bookkeeper

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfa...

Jack and Jill went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter....

Jill came down with two fifty.

I feel like a million bucks today..

Seriously, how do I get rid of this erection? I'm getting worried.

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