As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

Apparently there's a country in Europe where the people don't accept payment in cash, via card or even through a contactless system.

The Cheque Republic.

I got my wife a “Get Better Soon” card today.

She isn’t sick, I just think she needs to get better.

Kevin Spacey's acting career was like a House Of Cards...

One blow from a kid and it all comes tumbling down.

Why Cant Micheal Jackson Play Cards?

He's Dead

My credit card reminds me of school,

0% interest for the first 9 months.

Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

I ordered a bunch of second hand card decks from a casino a month ago, but I still haven’t received any.

When I asked for an update, they said they are still dealing with it.

What do you call a bird without a green card?

An illeagle

I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.

And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

Hi funny people I need your help.

I have a credit card that is made of metal and is very heavy. People frequently comment on how heavy it is and I have been trying to come up with a witty response for nearly two years now. I've tried, I'm hard on things, I think they are concerned I would wear it out and I take spending seriously bu...

A deaf man walks into a restaurant. He asks a server if he can use his credit card in the jukebox.

She replies “You can’t hear”

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

Why does an incel get turned on by a credit card reader?

It's the only time they get asked to 'please insert'

I Got my girlfriend a “get better soon” card.

She’s not ill or anything but she could definitely get better.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I like my women like I like my credit card debt.

Always there, gaining interest, and constantly fucking me.

I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day.

Eventually the post office fired me for it.

My friend keeps boasting that he's got a 3 foot tall pack of cards

Big deal...

During the rush of the holiday season, Sarah completely forgot to mail a Christmas card to her best friend.

She hurries into the post office with a card and asks the postal service worker for a first-class stamp.

​

“Do I have to put this stamp on myself?” she asks.

​

“No,” the postal employee replies. “You can put it right on the envelope.”

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

Why don’t American schools give Fs on report cards anymore?

Because they’ve already paid enough respects to their students.

I got a marvelous birthday card the other day

I got a marvelous birthday card in the mail the other day, but it was not addressed for me. So I went and added new stamps and mailed it back to the sender. You get a lot of karma for reposting.

What's the most powerful card in Magic The Gathering?

Credit Card.

A woman goes to the post office for stamps for Hanukkah cards.

She asks the cashier for stamps and the cashier replies, “What denomination?” The woman thinks for a moment and responds, “I’ll take six Orthodox, twelve Conservative, and thirty-two Reform, please.”

The only gift I got for my birthday is a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very difficult to deal with.

When I was a kid, I had a 26 card deck for each letter of the alphabet.

I managed to lose every one of them, except my V card.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bank questioned the man why he didn't report the stolen credit card earlier.

"That son of a bitch was spending way less than my wife."

What do a Credit Card and a Gymnast have in common?

Outstanding Balance!

My mom didn’t like my report card.

I said okay.

She said she wants more A’s.

I said okaaaaaaaaaaaay.

I played cards with a guy in one of those T-Rex suits...

He was a small arms dealer.

What's a North Korean's Favourite Card Game?

Kim Jong Uno

I stayed up one night playing poker with Taro cards.

I got a full house and four people died.

The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless.

Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase.

Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?

Because it said ‘new balance’ on it.

I need to get a valentine's card for my lactose intolerant wife

But they're all too cheesy

Why can’t you play UNO with Mexicans?

They steal all the green cards

My sister got an F on HER report card today.

How do you even get an f in gender, like is there something wrong with her? Should i get her help?

Dad, why haven’t you reported to the police that mom credit card was stolen?

Shut up boy!

That thief spends way less than your mother

If I got 1000 dollars every time I didn’t know if I had enough money on my card to prevent it from getting declined

It would never get declined again

"My brother was telling me he received a Valentines day card today"

"Awe, he must've been thrilled. "

"No, not really, it was from his cell mate. "

As i handed my dad his 55th birthday card he started screaming...

Son, why did you buy me 55 birthday cards?!

I should get my girlfriend a card for her birthday.

I’ll make it green. I’m sure she will like it, all my friends say she must want one if she’s dating me.

What gift card does santa get for naughty children?

Kohl’s

I heard a life tip that went; If you’re ever too embarrassed to buy something, get a birthday card with it.

The cashier wasn’t amused by the birthday tampons for my wife.

Some guy over the phone asked for my credit card details.

"Sure," I said. "It's blue and there's bits of cocaine on it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in line behind this guy buying condoms and his card just got declined.

The old lady behind me whispered "He just got cock blocked by visa"

After once again being unable to pay my bill, the water company sent me a card this morning.

Get Well Soon

Which deck of cards does Professor Oak use for his poker games?

His poker decks.

What concert card costs only 45 cents?

50 cents featuring nickelback

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks, they still hadn’t been delivered, so I called them up to see what was going on...

They told me they were still dealing with my order…

My VISA card was stolen two months ago, but I don’t want to report it.

The guy who took it is using it less than my wife.

I brought home my report card to proudly show I had received a 'B' in Reading. ..

... but my Mom said, "you numbskull, that's a 'D' !

I knew this girl who didn't really understand the concept of the "V-Card"

I guess she thought it was an actual, physical card given to everyone at birth. And I guess she didn't understand why she didn't have one. So whenever someone would ask about it, she'd say

"I lost mine when I was too young to remember."

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...

The steaks were pretty high

A friend sent me a card congratulating me for doing Veganuary.

Thanks, tastiest thing I've eaten so far.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's no pleasing some women. Take the other day, I said to my wife, "Pick a card, any card you like!"

"Make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest of the pack."

"Fuck you Ralph! It's our anniversary!" she replied, stomping out of the card shop

A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

We can argue all day about what the best card game is but I think we can all agree...

Uno is number 1

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two women go on a night out...

Two women, Mary and Margaret, go on a night out, leaving their husbands at home. After a heavy night of Guinness, and while walking home through a large cemetery they both have a strong urge to relieve themselves. They each pop a squat behind a bush, and after doing the deed Mary calls over "psssst,...

Have you ever tried making a house of cards with credit cards?

You have to use ones with outstanding balances.

What is the best card in Valve's Artifact?

The Credit Card.

Magician: Is this your card?

Mom: OMG yes!!

Magician: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for the birthday party?

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Why are pirates so bad at playing cards?

Because they are always standing on the deck

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a defective pack of playing cards. It had only three suits and all the cards were jacks.

I'm still trying to get a refund from those heartless bastards.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

The stolen credit card.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: Coz the thief was spending less than my wife.

Police:Then why are you reporting it now?

Man: Well, I think now the thief's wife has started to use it.

Paddy was sitting in his local pub when a fine looking Italian woman walks in.

He offered her a drink and over the course of the night he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs. She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.

They had a passionate affair all that summer.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant....

Hey girl are you a magic the gathering card?

Cause I'd tap you

Only 3.5 inches are needed to please a woman...

A credit card.

Two wives ho out for girls' night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says

"No more girls' night out. My wife came back wit...

Yesterday I was at Wal-Mart. And a lady was standing in front of me at the register. Her bill came up to about $200 but her card declined. It was just food. So y’all already know what I did.

Helped her put each and every item back. #itstheseasonofgiving

What did the pirate get on his report card?

Seven Cs!

I lost my V-Card to a cute chick the other night

Had to call my bank today and cancel my visa

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people play the sexist card. Some people play the racist card. Guess what my wife plays?

My credit card.

Yugi: Kaiba! How come Your card grabbed my card's groin and threatened to deport it...

Kaiba: You fool! You've activated my Trump card.

Where do My Hero Academia characters keep their Yu-Gi-Oh cards?

A DEKU box!

Where do you get a degree in professional card games?

The Unoversity.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s my birthday today, I received lots of cards.

Most of them had money fall out of them when I opened them which was great. When I opened the last one there was no money just a load of rice fell out, I thought what the fuck is this!?!???
 

Then I realised it must be from Uncle Ben.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Have you heard about the new right wing extremist card game that must be played at sea?

It's called Nazi yacht yahtzee.

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