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Card Jokes

Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

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Some jerk glued every card in my deck together so now its just a block of cardboard.

I'm having trouble dealing with it.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

You should never remove ice from your windshield with a discount card

It only takes off 20%

It was my birthday yesterday, and I received $500 from all the cards I opened.

I really love working in a post office.

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Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed....

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen...

Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

Marriage is like a deck of cards.

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.

By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!

So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"

My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.

It took him a couple of...

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I just got a Christmas card promising lots of anal and oral sex this year...

I fucking hate prison.

For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

The stolen credit card.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: Coz the thief was spending less than my wife.

Police:Then why are you reporting it now?

Man: Well, I think now the thief's wife has started to use it.

A thief stole my wife's credit card

But I let him keep it because he spends less money than she does.

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner...

So a 1024MB Memory Card walks into a bar...

The Memory Card spots a piano, sits down at it and starts playing some incredible music.

After a number of songs, mostly original, the Memory Card gets up and the bar goes wild with cheers and applause.

The bar owner was incredibly impressed and runs up to the Memory Card and says, "Bu...

Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck

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I was in line behind this guy buying condoms and his card just got declined.

The old lady behind me whispered "He just got cock blocked by visa"

"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"

He just said "That's a D, you idiot."

my dad asked me why my report card was all wet when I handed it to him

He should have noticed all the grades were below c-level....



From three mind of my 10 year old favorite daughter....

An average boy gets home from school and shows his mother his report card.

An average boy gets home from school and shows his mother his report card. The mother opens it and sees all "B"s and "C"s and is disappointed with her son. She heard from a friend that the nearby church school does a great job at fixing people right up, so she decides to send her son there.

A...

When you are old you can always play the senility card

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.
There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he'd carved "I love you, Sally".
On...

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What's the worst animal to play cards with?

A cheetah.

Because it'll rip your fucking face off.

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How is a birthday card like a masturbating knight?

Both of them came in the mail.

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What does my APR credit card have in common with my wife giving me a blowjob?

No interest until 2024

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I’ve just discovered that the kids next door stole my credit card to pay for their Mom’s boob job

Just wait till I get my hands on them!

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand.

The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the...

Why do real estate agents put their picture on business cards, Facebook pages, web sites, billboards, bus stops, postcards, vehicle wraps, yard signs, and printed ads?

So you’ll know what they looked like 10 years ago.

What was the deck of playing cards sentenced to after committing a felony?

Solitaire confinement.

Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor..

Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor. One of the men goes under the table to pick up the cards, and as he looks up he can see up his friend's wife's dress and that she isn't wearing any underwear.

Blushing coming up from the table, he ...

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A snobby young couple was walking through Central Park, discussing their massive credit card and mortgage debt.

As they worried about how to continue their rich lifestyle, a grubby homeless guy appears from behind a bush. He says, “Pssst! hey! I’ll give you a thousand bucks if you let me lick your wife’s boobs.”

The couple were appalled and hurry away. After a few seconds, the wife whispers, “You kn...

Why don’t American schools give Fs on report cards anymore?

Because they’ve already paid enough respects to their students.

What do you call a country that doesn't use credit cards?

A Czech Republic

Credit card company called me to report suspicious activity...

I asked what kind of suspicious activity and they said someone made a payment.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.

‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

I have no idea why my credit card keeps getting declined

Every time I check my account online, it says I have an outstanding balance.

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Why are discount cards so bad at scraping ice off a car?

Because you only get 10% off

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An astronomy teacher prepared two boxes filled with joke cards. The first box was designed with asteroids and the second one with comets. He then let one of this students pick a box...

The student picked the one designed with asteroids. He pick one card and read the joke out loud to the class. The class, however, doesn't find the joke funny. Seeing this, the professor made the student pick another card on the same box. Same thing happened. The confused student look at his teacher ...

My mom didn't like my report card. I told her okay.

She said she wanted more A's.

So I told her "okaaaaay".

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

I received a wedding invitation from a college classmate. In college we were on bad terms, but it seems he’s matured now. I was feeling nostalgic, but when I looked closely at the card it read…

Please circle one.

\- Will not attend

\- Will be absent

What is Putin’s favourite card game?

Bridge

All credit card PIN numbers in the World have bee leaked

**0000 0001 0002 0003 0004** …

When shopping for Valentine's day cards, I found one saying "Baby, you're the only one for me."

Great slogan, so I took 12.

birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

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Walking home after a girls' night out, two women pass a graveyard and stop to pee.

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that.

The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!"
...

Why do used cards have dog ears?

They have ruff edges

A teacher asked the children in her 3rd-year class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny answered first. "I want to start out as a S.A.S. officer, go to the Middle East and kill loads of militant Muslims, return as a national hero, then become a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest nymphomaniac tart, give her a Ferrari, an apartment in Copacabana...

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I've been buying birthday cards for everyone at our local Tourette's Society.

It's the thought that cunts.

My doctor tells me that a healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Tonight I ate 52 slices of roast beef.

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

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I tried to buy fertilizer and my card was declined. Its finally happened...

I cant afford shit.

I was really happy when I opened four birthday cards and found a total of $200 in them.

I love being a postman.

Have you heard of NVIDIA's new crypto graphics card?

It's the 4090 FTX.

It only has one massive meltdown and you have to send it to the bahamas for repair.

I've lost all my pokemon cards in a house fire...

I've only got Ash now.

Have you seen the new iPhone card trick?

It's the one where all the jacks dissappear

My wife's birthday is in two days, and she told me that she would be happy as long as I get her something with a lot of diamonds in it.

She's gonna love this pack of playing cards.

"Dad, your credit card has been stolen for 3 months and you haven't reported yet!

- Shut up kid, the thief is spending less than your mother.

An employee I loathe accidently used the company credit card at the strip club.

.



I wanted to give him a hard time, you know… rub it in his face.

Lil late for that though.

New drinking game! Draw a card. If it's black take a shot.

I call it the Ferguson

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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It’s WWII and there’s a little anti-aircraft unit based on the east coast of England. The sergeant has a stutter.

One dark night they’re playing cards under the glow of their gas lamp, and suddenly they hear the distant sound of aircraft engines. The sergeant barks, “Ggggggggg-ggggg-gggggg-gggg-ggggg-get to the gggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggggg-gggg-ggggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggg-gun.”

All the men throw down their cards a...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony

On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'

The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?'

...

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

Why was Anakin Skywalker rejected for a credit card?

Because he applied for a MasterCard.

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday and she said "All I want is a nice card..."

"...with a $100,000 limit".

It's my cake day, so one of my favorite jokes ... A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says. "With what money?" says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's crazy. "Who wo...

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In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the member...

What's the difference between a deck of cards and England?

A deck of cards isn't missing a queen.

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.

And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

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She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

I said to the woman at the deli, “I’d like to buy a corned beef and pastrami, with pickles.” She replied, “Sorry..."

"We only take cash or card.”

Why do trading card game players never have any children?

Because they always put a sleeve on it.

As i handed my dad his 55th birthday card he started screaming...

Son, why did you buy me 55 birthday cards?!

New York is a great city. Today I was at the library, & I asked the librarian for a library card. He told me I first had to prove I was from New York.

So I stabbed him.

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Father's Day, at school, and all the students are supposed to make cards...

...by drawing a picture of their father at work.

Teacher asks, "Logan, what does your father do?"

"My dad's a cop. I'm gonna draw him catching a bad guy."

Then the teacher asks, "Briei, what does your father do?"

Briei says, "My dad's a writer. I'm going to draw him wit...

Johnny threw a pack of cards at Jenny

Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it

Drink vodka, play cards

A young man in the USSR has received his first work assignment. He is to work at a train yard helping to move the trains around the yard - a good job, with good promotional potential.

The first day of the job, he arrives at the yard, and entering the yard house he introduces himself, and want...

In a public library, a man with his new library card questioned the blonde librarian.

“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“And may I take out vinyl records too?”

“Yes, you may.”

“May I take you out?” he ventured.

*"Sir, the librarians are for reference only.”*

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

Little Johnny's father asked for report card. Johnny replied, "I don't have it." "Why not?" His father asked.

"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

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My wife said sex was much better on vacation.

That wasn't a very nice post card to receive.

My friend can't afford to pay his water bill anymore...

...so I sent him a card, "Get well soon."

“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.”

Cop: That’s not how you play the race card.

I was playing poker with tarot cards last night.

I got a full house and 3 people died...

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This old man is playing cards and keeps on winning...

He always seems to have an Ace of Spades.

The people around ask, "How is that happening?"

He replies, "I'm wearing my lucky sweater. My wife knitted it for me."

A few plays later, and still, he keeps winning.

Now, everyone accuses him of cheating.

"What's up your s...

I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon and two weeks later it hasn't arrived.

Customer service told me they're dealing with it.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer.

They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. Th...

A bloke goes into the job centre in Newcastle and sees a card advertising for a gynaecologist’s assistant; intrigued, he goes in to find out more…

‘Can you give me some more details about this?’ he says to the guy behind the desk.

The job centre guy sorts through his files and replies, ‘Ah yes, I've had quite a few enquiries about this one; the job involves you getting patients ready for the gynaecologist – you have to help them out of ...

I received a lovely card saying "get better soon"

Which I found confusing, because I haven't been sick. Should I tell my manager she's made a mistake?

What did captain kirk’s music teach put on his report card?

He’s having trouble with the trebles

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