So a 1024MB Memory Card walks into a bar...

The Memory Card spots a piano, sits down at it and starts playing some incredible music.

After a number of songs, mostly original, the Memory Card gets up and the bar goes wild with cheers and applause.

The bar owner was incredibly impressed and runs up to the Memory Card and says, "Bu...

I am in the hospital my younger brother swallowed a 16GB memory card and he is singing all songs in it.

I just pray it doesn't reach the video folder.

I got my girlfriend a get better soon card....

She's not sick or anything, I just think she could be better.

[NSFW] My Brother swallowed my SD Card

Please help me! My brother swallowed my 64GB sd card, he's been singing all the songs in it all night long, Im worried when he gets to the Videos.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

Why doesn't the Vatican take credit cards?

Because they like Papal.

Someone stole my wife's credit card

I didn't report it stolen because the thief was charging less than her.

What type of animal is the worst to play cards with?

A cheetah.

Apparently there's a country in Europe where the people don't accept payment in cash, via card or even through a contactless system.

The Cheque Republic.

The women I want to date are like my credit cards...

No interest.

I wonder if anyone here can help me. Yesterday someone stole my father's favorite playing cards.

I think there were about fifty-two of them. All of them had a picture of someone riding a bicycle on one side of them, but on the other side they had different things, like letters and numbers. Some of them had some pictures of some kings and queens and other people. I know there were some red he...

Someone has a card pin code of 7541

and now that person is feeling uncomfortable

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to buy fertilizer and my card was declined. Its finally happened...

I cant afford shit.

Why should you never play cards with cats.

Because they might be cheetahs.

My credit card got stolen 3 months ago and I still haven’t reported it missing.....

....Whoever has it is spending far less than what my wife usually does.

I'm like a credit card

Constantly being used and declined

Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

I developed a line of condition-specific get well cards for hypochondriacs with the theme " I had what you had..."

Only worse.

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.

And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

Kevin Spacey's acting career was like a House Of Cards...

One blow from a kid and it all comes tumbling down.

My credit card reminds me of school,

0% interest for the first 9 months.

I must be a credit card

Since I’m always been used or denied

What do you call a bird without a green card?

An illeagle

A deaf man walks into a restaurant. He asks a server if he can use his credit card in the jukebox.

She replies “You can’t hear”

Thank you cards...

Honestly, I hate 'Thank You' cards, because I never know what to write in them.

So I usually just write, "See front".

Why does an incel get turned on by a credit card reader?

It's the only time they get asked to 'please insert'

I got a marvelous birthday card the other day

I got a marvelous birthday card in the mail the other day, but it was not addressed for me. So I went and added new stamps and mailed it back to the sender. You get a lot of karma for reposting.

I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day.

Eventually the post office fired me for it.

Why don’t American schools give Fs on report cards anymore?

Because they’ve already paid enough respects to their students.

I ordered a bunch of second hand card decks from a casino a month ago, but I still haven’t received any.

When I asked for an update, they said they are still dealing with it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

Why can’t the sailors play cards?

They were standing on the deck

My friend keeps boasting that he's got a 3 foot tall pack of cards

Big deal...

What's the most powerful card in Magic The Gathering?

Credit Card.

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

During the rush of the holiday season, Sarah completely forgot to mail a Christmas card to her best friend.

She hurries into the post office with a card and asks the postal service worker for a first-class stamp.



“Do I have to put this stamp on myself?” she asks.



“No,” the postal employee replies. “You can put it right on the envelope.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The bank questioned the man why he didn't report the stolen credit card earlier.

"That son of a bitch was spending way less than my wife."

When I was a kid, I had a 26 card deck for each letter of the alphabet.

I managed to lose every one of them, except my V card.

Hi funny people I need your help.

I have a credit card that is made of metal and is very heavy. People frequently comment on how heavy it is and I have been trying to come up with a witty response for nearly two years now. I've tried, I'm hard on things, I think they are concerned I would wear it out and I take spending seriously bu...

A woman goes to the post office for stamps for Hanukkah cards.

She asks the cashier for stamps and the cashier replies, “What denomination?” The woman thinks for a moment and responds, “I’ll take six Orthodox, twelve Conservative, and thirty-two Reform, please.”

I played cards with a guy in one of those T-Rex suits...

He was a small arms dealer.

My mom didn’t like my report card.

I said okay.

She said she wants more A’s.

I said okaaaaaaaaaaaay.

What do a Credit Card and a Gymnast have in common?

Outstanding Balance!

Got a birthday card today

I got a birthday card today, when I opened it a bag of rice fell out.

It was from uncle Ben

What's a North Korean's Favourite Card Game?

Kim Jong Uno

The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless.

Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase.

I need to get a valentine's card for my lactose intolerant wife

But they're all too cheesy

Dad, why haven’t you reported to the police that mom credit card was stolen?

Shut up boy!

That thief spends way less than your mother

As i handed my dad his 55th birthday card he started screaming...

Son, why did you buy me 55 birthday cards?!

For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in line behind this guy buying condoms and his card just got declined.

The old lady behind me whispered "He just got cock blocked by visa"

Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?

Because it said ‘new balance’ on it.

"My brother was telling me he received a Valentines day card today"

"Awe, he must've been thrilled. "

"No, not really, it was from his cell mate. "

If I got 1000 dollars every time I didn’t know if I had enough money on my card to prevent it from getting declined

It would never get declined again

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The ma...

I should get my girlfriend a card for her birthday.

I’ll make it green. I’m sure she will like it, all my friends say she must want one if she’s dating me.

I stayed up one night playing poker with Taro cards.

I got a full house and four people died.

What gift card does santa get for naughty children?

Kohl’s

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks, they still hadn’t been delivered, so I called them up to see what was going on...

They told me they were still dealing with my order…

Some guy over the phone asked for my credit card details.

"Sure," I said. "It's blue and there's bits of cocaine on it."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard a life tip that went; If you’re ever too embarrassed to buy something, get a birthday card with it.

The cashier wasn’t amused by the birthday tampons for my wife.

After once again being unable to pay my bill, the water company sent me a card this morning.

Get Well Soon

Why can’t you play UNO with Mexicans?

They steal all the green cards

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...

The steaks were pretty high

What concert card costs only 45 cents?

50 cents featuring nickelback

My VISA card was stolen two months ago, but I don’t want to report it.

The guy who took it is using it less than my wife.

Which deck of cards does Professor Oak use for his poker games?

His poker decks.

Marriage is like a deck of cards

You start with two hearts and a diamond and end up wishing you had a club and a spade.

I knew this girl who didn't really understand the concept of the "V-Card"

I guess she thought it was an actual, physical card given to everyone at birth. And I guess she didn't understand why she didn't have one. So whenever someone would ask about it, she'd say

"I lost mine when I was too young to remember."

The president of America, the president of Russia, and the Queen of England are playing cards.

Elizabeth the Second lays a full house and sips daintily upon a cup of tea. A Russian agent puts a finger to his ear momentarily and approaches the table with a sleek briefcase, which Putin opens to reveal a marvelous hand. Donald then smiles and shows five trump cards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's no pleasing some women. Take the other day, I said to my wife, "Pick a card, any card you like!"

"Make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest of the pack."

"Fuck you Ralph! It's our anniversary!" she replied, stomping out of the card shop

I brought home my report card to proudly show I had received a 'B' in Reading. ..

... but my Mom said, "you numbskull, that's a 'D' !

We can argue all day about what the best card game is but I think we can all agree...

Uno is number 1

What is the best card in Valve's Artifact?

The Credit Card.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two women go on a night out...

Two women, Mary and Margaret, go on a night out, leaving their husbands at home. After a heavy night of Guinness, and while walking home through a large cemetery they both have a strong urge to relieve themselves. They each pop a squat behind a bush, and after doing the deed Mary calls over "psssst,...

A friend sent me a card congratulating me for doing Veganuary.

Thanks, tastiest thing I've eaten so far.

A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

The stolen credit card.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: Coz the thief was spending less than my wife.

Police:Then why are you reporting it now?

Man: Well, I think now the thief's wife has started to use it.

Why are pirates so bad at playing cards?

Because they are always standing on the deck

Have you ever tried making a house of cards with credit cards?

You have to use ones with outstanding balances.

Magician: Is this your card?

Mom: OMG yes!!

Magician: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for the birthday party?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought a defective pack of playing cards. It had only three suits and all the cards were jacks.

I'm still trying to get a refund from those heartless bastards.

Two wives ho out for girls' night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says

"No more girls' night out. My wife came back wit...

Paddy was sitting in his local pub when a fine looking Italian woman walks in.

He offered her a drink and over the course of the night he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs. She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.

They had a passionate affair all that summer.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant....

What did the pirate get on his report card?

Seven Cs!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some people play the sexist card. Some people play the racist card. Guess what my wife plays?

My credit card.

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