As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said ....

You know, one would have been enough.

A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.

Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?

Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.

Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?

Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.

My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card

\-He's a man after my own heart

birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it,forget about the future,you can't predict it forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

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My girlfriend sent me a “Get Better Soon” card.

I’m not sick, just not very good at sex.

So a 1024MB Memory Card walks into a bar...

The Memory Card spots a piano, sits down at it and starts playing some incredible music.

After a number of songs, mostly original, the Memory Card gets up and the bar goes wild with cheers and applause.

The bar owner was incredibly impressed and runs up to the Memory Card and says, "Bu...

I asked a tarot card reader how is the business?

She replied “unpredictable”

My friend has no running water at his house, so I felt bad and decided to send him a card.

A “Get Well Soon” card.

I got my girlfriend a “Get better soon” card.

She’s not ill or anything, but she could definitely get better

Having fun isn't hard when you have a library card...

You need something to line up the coke, after all.

If Jack Black stole from African-American card players while playing the card game 21...

He'd be Jack Black jacking blacks during black jack.

A pickle walks into a casino and sits down at a card table

He says “Dill me in”

My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday

Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.

What do Trump and a maxed out credit card have in common?

They both deny all charges.

The judge in a stolen credit card case...

The judge in a stolen credit card case found that the prosecution accidentally demagnetized all of the evidence.

So they dropped all the charges.

I am in the hospital my younger brother swallowed a 16GB memory card and he is singing all songs in it.

I just pray it doesn't reach the video folder.

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Why do pirates always wash their hands after playing cards?

Because they use a poop deck

I don’t insert my card into the chip reader until the cashier tells me the price,

Because consent is important.

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I tried to buy fertilizer and my card was declined. Its finally happened...

I cant afford shit.

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

[NSFW] My Brother swallowed my SD Card

Please help me! My brother swallowed my 64GB sd card, he's been singing all the songs in it all night long, Im worried when he gets to the Videos.

The pirate just can't play a game of cards.

Because he was sitting on the deck!

My bank just released a card that rewards me with precious metals like gold and silver when I spend money!

They’re calling it the Creddit Card.

Why should you never play cards with cats.

Because they might be cheetahs.

If you are crossing the desert, be sure to take a deck of cards with you. If you get lost or break down, just start dealing solitaire.

Before you're halfway through the first game, you will hear a voice behind you saying "Red nine on the black ten"...

What do you call the fear of gambling a pack of 13 cards?

Risk-a-deck-aphobia.

Apparently there's a country in Europe where the people don't accept payment in cash, via card or even through a contactless system.

The Cheque Republic.

I've developed a simplified version of the popular card game "Go Fish"...

It's called, "No".

Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

What type of animal is the worst to play cards with?

A cheetah.

Why doesn't the Vatican take credit cards?

Because they like Papal.

What playing cards are the best dancers.

The king and queen of clubs.

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a sel...

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink...

He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.


The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't s...

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

The women I want to date are like my credit cards...

No interest.

Why is Trump no fun to play UNO with?

He keeps all the green cards.

I must be a credit card

Since I’m always been used or denied

Someone has a card pin code of 7541

and now that person is feeling uncomfortable

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3 men are off to prison, and they can each bring one item with them

The first mentions his carton of cigarettes. Not only can he smoke it, but he can trade it too.

The second mentions deck of cards. It has always helped him pass the time, and jail is definitely no exception.

The two guys look at the third, who is just quietly staring off into the dista...

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The ma...

I wonder if anyone here can help me. Yesterday someone stole my father's favorite playing cards.

I think there were about fifty-two of them. All of them had a picture of someone riding a bicycle on one side of them, but on the other side they had different things, like letters and numbers. Some of them had some pictures of some kings and queens and other people. I know there were some red he...

My credit card got stolen 3 months ago and I still haven’t reported it missing.....

....Whoever has it is spending far less than what my wife usually does.

I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.

And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

I'm like a credit card

Constantly being used and declined

Anakin went to pay for dinner,

but his MasterCard got declined....

Why don’t American schools give Fs on report cards anymore?

Because they’ve already paid enough respects to their students.

I developed a line of condition-specific get well cards for hypochondriacs with the theme " I had what you had..."

Only worse.

A couple wins a free day at a golf course

But just a few minutes into the game, the husband breaks the window of one of the most luxurious houses nearby.

When they arrive to try to talk their way out, the door is open, and a man with a luxurious robe stands next to a expensive looking broken crystal lamp.

- are you the owner o...

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

Kevin Spacey's acting career was like a House Of Cards...

One blow from a kid and it all comes tumbling down.

I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day.

Eventually the post office fired me for it.

Why did the black referee give a warning to the Nascar driver?

Because he loved pulling out that race card.

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

Yo momma so fat

You took a picture of her on an empty sd card and it said memory full

My credit card reminds me of school,

0% interest for the first 9 months.

One night, Billy walked into his parents’ bedroom and found his dad fooling around in bed with his mom.

“Dad, what are you doing?” Billy asked.

“Well son, I’m playing cards,” his dad replied.

“What’s Mom doing?”

“Oh, she’s my wild card.”

That weekend, Billy went to spend the night at his grandparents. He woke up and went to their bedroom, and found his grandpa fooling arou...

What do you call a bird without a green card?

An illeagle

I ordered a bunch of second hand card decks from a casino a month ago, but I still haven’t received any.

When I asked for an update, they said they are still dealing with it.

Why does an incel get turned on by a credit card reader?

It's the only time they get asked to 'please insert'

A man goes to prison

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gay Poker...

A new card game. Where Queens are wild and straights don't count.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

A game show host is talking to a rabbit

The host looks at his question card. "Okay, here is your first question: What is 7 plus 5?"

"Twelve", replied the rabbit.

"That's correct! Now for question 2: What is 56 minus 37?"

The rabbit thought for a moment. "Nineteen"

"That's correct! Okay, now here is your grand p...

I went to the store and got arrested because of a simple misunderstanding.

When the lady at the register said strip down facing me, it turns out she was talking about my credit card.

Thank you cards...

Honestly, I hate 'Thank You' cards, because I never know what to write in them.

So I usually just write, "See front".

“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I’m running a marathon tomorrow.”

Cop: Stop trying to play the race card.

For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Parrots. long

Father O'Malley comes out from Sunday mass to talk with his parishioners and Mrs. Coughlin asks if she may have a word with him.

"Of course, Mrs. Coughlin. What seems to be the problem?

“This may sound like a strange question, but I have a problem with my parrot and I hear that you hav...

I got a marvelous birthday card the other day

I got a marvelous birthday card in the mail the other day, but it was not addressed for me. So I went and added new stamps and mailed it back to the sender. You get a lot of karma for reposting.

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I was in line behind this guy buying condoms and his card just got declined.

The old lady behind me whispered "He just got cock blocked by visa"

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again.

There was only one problem, the captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician did in every trick. Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show:


"Look, it's not the same hat!"


"Look, he's hiding the flowers unde...

A Blonde Walks into Subway...

She orders a simple footlong sandwich and goes to the register.

"That'll be $6.70," says the cashier.

The blonde tries to use the chip on her card, but it doesn't work.

So she tries it again, and still nothing.

Finally she tries to swipe and it does nothing.
...

When I was a kid, I had a 26 card deck for each letter of the alphabet.

I managed to lose every one of them, except my V card.

My friend keeps boasting that he's got a 3 foot tall pack of cards

Big deal...

As i handed my dad his 55th birthday card he started screaming...

Son, why did you buy me 55 birthday cards?!

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I walked up to a seven eleven cash register.

The cashier looked at me and said “strip down, facing me”. How the fuck am I supposed to know she was talking about my credit card

A father was walking past his son's bedroom one day and happened to look in.

He was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up off the floor. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

Fearing the worst, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. It said:

*Dea...

stranded on a desert island

If I was stranded on a desert island I would take along a deck of cards. Because everyone knows after about 20 minutes of playing solitaire someone will come up behind you and tell you you're doing something wrong.

During the rush of the holiday season, Sarah completely forgot to mail a Christmas card to her best friend.

She hurries into the post office with a card and asks the postal service worker for a first-class stamp.



“Do I have to put this stamp on myself?” she asks.



“No,” the postal employee replies. “You can put it right on the envelope.”

My mom didn’t like my report card.

I said okay.

She said she wants more A’s.

I said okaaaaaaaaaaaay.

What's a North Korean's Favourite Card Game?

Kim Jong Uno

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two women are walking home from the bar, they have to piss so they slip into a cemetary.

One uses her panties to wipe herself, the other uses a wreath off a head stone.
Next night husbands are at the bar, one looks at the other and says "I'm gonna have to watch my wife she came home with no panties on last night". The other one says "Oh well mine came home with a card wedged in her ...

John and Susie just got married.

John and Susie just got married and are spending their honeymoon at a beautiful resort on a fishing lake. For the first 3 days of their getaway, John is spotted by the groundskeeper, fishing all day long. Finally, the groundskeeper decides to approach him.




"Hey there son, I recko...

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's ...

I played cards with a guy in one of those T-Rex suits...

He was a small arms dealer.

The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless.

Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase.

A woman goes to the post office for stamps for Hanukkah cards.

She asks the cashier for stamps and the cashier replies, “What denomination?” The woman thinks for a moment and responds, “I’ll take six Orthodox, twelve Conservative, and thirty-two Reform, please.”

I like you helping me in the kitchen, Kevin, but do you use drugs?

— No, mom, I swear!
— So, why you're cutting onions with the credit card?

I need to get a valentine's card for my lactose intolerant wife

But they're all too cheesy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Arab Sheik was admitted to Hospital for heart surgery....

But prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store some blood in case a need arose.

As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so the call went out.

Finally a Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for th...

Why is studying so important in Singapore?

It’s your get out of jail free card

Marriage is like a deck of cards...

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond and by the end you want a club and a spade

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

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