Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck

I handed my dad his 50th birthday card

With tears in his eyes he says

One would've been enough.

“Take a card, any card,” the magician says.

I take his credit card.

Why did the pirate love his report card?

He got seven C's

My wife always uses credit cards. I recommended she try cash

But I know she's afraid of change.

For the past twenty years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.

First my granny dies, now this?

A friend of mine used to have the job of holding cue cards for TV presenters, he was fired for dropping them. I tried talking to him about it but...

...he couldn't hold a conversation.

Marriage is like a deck of cards

It starts with Hearts and Diamonds and finishes with a Club and a Spade.

Me: "Doctor, doctor, I feel like a deck of cards!"

Doctor: "I'll deal with you later."

A guy being examined by a psychologist is shown an inkblot card. "What does this look like?" asks the examiner

The guy studies it for a moment. "Oh, that's an easy one! It's Rorschach series III, sequence 6, card 2."

Why can’t you play cards in the jungle?

There are too many cheetahs!

I gave my wife a get better soon hallmark card

She's not sick, I hate her and she can do better

My dad told me to get an organ donor card...

He’s a man after my own heart!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My hallway is absolutely full of Valentine cards today...

I really am a lazy bastard of a postman.

A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.

Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?

Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.

Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?

Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.

Three lepers were playing cards...

One threw his whole hand in, the second cried his eyes out and the third laughed his head off

Elderly couples are socializing over tea and biscuits, men are playing cards...

Marv: Oh, Benny, you won't believe the new diner we went to - the foood! Oy vey! You must try it!!

Benny: What's it called?

Marv: Hang on.. Oy... Um.. Hm.. What's that flower - all red and prickly?

Ben: A Rose?

Marv: Yes! Yes! Rose! **Hey, Rose, hon!!! What was the name o...

What did the yoga instructor say when the blackjack dealer asked him if he wanted another card?

Namaste

There are three dimensions to credit cards

... length, width, and debt.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". T...

Magician: Think of a card, any card.

Me: OK,

Magician: Have you got it?

Me: Yes.

Magician: 7 of spades.

Me: No.

Magician: Huh..? Well, what card were you thinking of then?

Me: Debit.

A guy walks into a bar, sits at a table and orders a beer.

He then proceeds to pull out hundreds of pink valentine's day cards, write inside them and stamp them with "Love" stamps. He then pulls out a bottle of expensive perfume and spritzes each envelope. The bartender finally can't contain his curiosity and approaches the man. "You must have 500 or more c...

So a 1024MB Memory Card walks into a bar...

The Memory Card spots a piano, sits down at it and starts playing some incredible music.

After a number of songs, mostly original, the Memory Card gets up and the bar goes wild with cheers and applause.

The bar owner was incredibly impressed and runs up to the Memory Card and says, "Bu...

Guy turns in his time-card at work showing he worked 25 hours on Wednesday.

Boss: How could you work 25 hours on Wednesday when there are only 24 hours in a single day?

Guy: I skipped lunch.

Wtf just opened a Christmas card and rice fell out

Must be from my uncle Ben

Guy asks a Tarot Card Reader, "How's Business?"

"Unpredictable", she replied.

birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it,forget about the future,you can't predict it forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

Friend swallowed a 16GB memory card

I am in the hospital because my
friend swallowed a 16gb memory
card and he is singing all songs in it..
We are praying that he doesn't
reach video folder..

A rich friend heard that his poor friend fell ill after drinking bad water from a river. He sent his friend a fruit basket and a card.

Get well soon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Alvin, sell your business!"

Alvin is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above that says, "Alvin, sell your business!" He ignores it.

The voice goes on for days saying, "Alvin, sell your business for three million dollars!" After weeks of this, he relents and sells his store.

The voice says, "...

Got some Christmas Cards from Supermarket.

Turns out they were from Tenko not Tesco.

Playing cards in Africa

"While I was in Africa, I played cards with the natives."
"Zulus?"
"No, I won!"

Doctor's Affair

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replie...

A pickle walks into a casino and sits down at a card table

He says “Dill me in”

Having fun isn't hard when you have a library card...

You need something to line up the coke, after all.

If Jack Black stole from African-American card players while playing the card game 21...

He'd be Jack Black jacking blacks during black jack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guy decides to take off work to go golfing.

So he's there on the Green, about to head his ball, when he hears, "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

He looks down and there's a little frog next to his foot. "What did you say, little frog?"

And the frog repeats. "Ribbit! Nine-iron!"

So the man shrugs, figures what the hell, switches cl...

I ran into a beautiful woman who wanted to F*** me today...

I think her exact words were, "Sign up for this credit card..."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John is a mailman in a small town. Everyone in the town knows him. Today he is retiring.

Every house he went to, families were greeting him and congratulating him. Most game him gifts. Flowers, cards, presents ... until he got to the last house on his final route.

A woman came to the door stark naked. She quietly took him upstairs and made sweet passionate love to him for hours u...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I tried to buy fertilizer and my card was declined. Its finally happened...

I cant afford shit.

A Jewish boy was failing math.

His mother had tried everything. Special classes, private tutors and even a summer at a math camp. Nothing worked. Desperate, she decided to send her son to a Catholic school one of her friends had recommended.

The boy came home the first day, slammed his coat on the table, ran to his room a...

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood.

When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift certificate envelope.
At the second house they presented him with a box of fine imported cigars.
The folks at the third house handed him a sel...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A gambler is down on his luck and pleads with God.

A gambler is down on his luck and pleads with God one night after losing almost everything he had at the casino.

"God what have I done to deserve this, my wife left me, I've lost my job, I don't know what to do please help me." he says.

God suddenly appears in front of him and says "So...

I don’t insert my card into the chip reader until the cashier tells me the price,

Because consent is important.

What do Trump and a maxed out credit card have in common?

They both deny all charges.

My coworkers brought me a bunch of cards to celebrate my birthday

Each one gave me one with a single word printed on it. The first said "extravagant", while the next one said "surplus". These were followed by cards that said "abundance", "excess", and "overflowing". Before I read any more I had to stop because I was overcome with emotion. It was all too much.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do pirates always wash their hands after playing cards?

Because they use a poop deck

The judge in a stolen credit card case...

The judge in a stolen credit card case found that the prosecution accidentally demagnetized all of the evidence.

So they dropped all the charges.

How do you buy the front page of the internet?

Using your reddit card

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Cruise ship magician

A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: the captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood, he started shout...

[NSFW] My Brother swallowed my SD Card

Please help me! My brother swallowed my 64GB sd card, he's been singing all the songs in it all night long, Im worried when he gets to the Videos.

I will post later

I am in hospital, cause my cousin brother swallowed a 128 GB SD card and he is singing all the songs in it I hope he doesn't reach the videos folder

Had a big mix up at the store today...

Apparently, when the clerk said "strip down facing me" they were referring to my credit card

My nephew took a career placement test at school.

It told him he was going to be a pirate when he grew up. My sister was furious. She matched to the school and demanded to speak to his teacher.

"Why does this test say that my son is supposed to be a pirate?! Is this some kind of joke?"

The teacher calmly pulled out the boy's report c...

Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure...

...it's called a "credit card"

A magician is working on a Cruise Ship...

With him, he has a parrot to spice up his routine. Sadly, the parrot has the habit of ruining his show.

Whenever the magician makes something disappear, the parrot announces: "Saw it! You palmed it and hid it up your sleeve!"

When he does a card trick, the parrot says: "Saw it! Every ...

At a Bass Pro Shop

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop to buy a fishing rod for her son's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter. An associate is standing there in dark shades. She says "Excuse me, could you tell me anything about this rod and reel?"

He says "...

Apparently there's a country in Europe where the people don't accept payment in cash, via card or even through a contactless system.

The Cheque Republic.

Spaghetti

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the chi...

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door. When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been ...

How to Sell a Toothbrush

The top toothbrush salesman at the company was asked by his boss how he managed to sell so many brushes.

He replied “It’s easy” and he pulled out his card table, setting his display of brushes on top.

He told his boss, I lay the brushes out like this, and then I put out some potato chi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After countless attempts at Moby Dick the ol' cap'n was a nervous wreck and missing a leg...

Did someone at least send him a "Get Whale Soon" card?

What type of animal is the worst to play cards with?

A cheetah.

I scored 197 on an IQ test

The test was pretty easy, 10 simple questions, then to prove my identity they asked me for my date of birth, social and credit card details.

If you are crossing the desert, be sure to take a deck of cards with you. If you get lost or break down, just start dealing solitaire.

Before you're halfway through the first game, you will hear a voice behind you saying "Red nine on the black ten"...

Why doesn't the Vatican take credit cards?

Because they like Papal.

What playing cards are the best dancers.

The king and queen of clubs.

A month ago, someone stole my identity

Last week he mailed my license and social security card back, along with a five dollar bill.

I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.

And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

I've developed a simplified version of the popular card game "Go Fish"...

It's called, "No".

What do you call the fear of gambling a pack of 13 cards?

Risk-a-deck-aphobia.

Man: You can’t give me a ticket! I have to run a marathon tomorrow.

Cop: That’s not how you play the race card.

I must be a credit card

Since I’m always been used or denied

A fortune teller sat in his tower, practicing seeing into the future.

Instead of using tarot cards or a crystal ball to read the future, he used fine cloth he imported from the East. One day, as he was peering into the future, a strong guest of wind blew through his open window, carrying the cloth straight out the other one. With it being his sole future-seeing cloth,...

The women I want to date are like my credit cards...

No interest.

Someone has a card pin code of 7541

and now that person is feeling uncomfortable

Let me introduce the little known tale of Curtis Remond.

Curtis was born in the small town of New York, the only child of a rich and famous banking family. Curtis’ father was a banker. Curtis’ grandfather was a banker. The banking linage runs as far back in the family as time can remember, ever since Gerald Redmond had emigrated from Killarney back in the...

My friends keep calling me a joker

But no matter how many decks of cards I search through, I still can’t find my face on a single one.

Mike walked into a Post Office just before Valentine’s Day

He couldn’t help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them.  Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scent over the envelopes.

By now Mike’s curiosity had got...

Why don’t American schools give Fs on report cards anymore?

Because they’ve already paid enough respects to their students.

What is the best way to buy Gold or Silver awards?

By using a Reddit Card

I wonder if anyone here can help me. Yesterday someone stole my father's favorite playing cards.

I think there were about fifty-two of them. All of them had a picture of someone riding a bicycle on one side of them, but on the other side they had different things, like letters and numbers. Some of them had some pictures of some kings and queens and other people. I know there were some red he...

My credit card got stolen 3 months ago and I still haven’t reported it missing.....

....Whoever has it is spending far less than what my wife usually does.

What is a magicians favorite clothing item?

A card-again

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony.

A man joins a very exclusive nudist colony. On his first day there he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, "Did you call for me?"

The ma...

Why Cant Micheal Jackson Play Cards?

He's Dead

A delivery man gets the part time job as a magician...(OC)

He tells a random person
"Pick a card any card!"
After the person pics a card the delivery man says: "your card will be revealed in 3-6 business days"

I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day.

Eventually the post office fired me for it.

For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

I'm like a credit card

Constantly being used and declined

Today I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions!

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was in line behind this guy buying condoms and his card just got declined.

The old lady behind me whispered "He just got cock blocked by visa"

My grandad just passed away...

We were really close and he was always competitive with me. No matter what game we played, tennis, cards, or even Xbox he would always try to win.

So it was only fitting that, and I’ll never forget this, on his death bed, as he breathed his last breath. He looked at me in the eyes and said.....

Poker

Yesterday I played poker with a deck of Tarot Cards. I got a full house and four people died.

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink...

He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.


The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't s...

We were at Kyle's place last week and had an idea

You know how everyone has occasionally had the great idea to try and snort assorted things? Like pixie stix and rock candy? That's where this story takes place.

Somehow the topic of conversation wandered to the effects of cocaine and other substances on the nostrils. The attention seeker of t...

A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice. "My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy." The boy picks up his date and they stare at each other for a long time. The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks:

"Do you like potato pancakes?" "No," comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket. "Do you have a brother?" "No." After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card: "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

'Can you read this?' the optician asked.

'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

After hearing how dangerous Mexico is an American decided to see it for himself

He arrived there and went downtown with a deck of cards in his back pocket to see if anyone would attempt to rob him,
After walking around for 2 hours he noticed the deck of cards was still there.
He saw a homeless guy and came to him and said:
"well, people told me I was absolutely going t...

I developed a line of condition-specific get well cards for hypochondriacs with the theme " I had what you had..."

Only worse.

Kevin Spacey's acting career was like a House Of Cards...

One blow from a kid and it all comes tumbling down.

Why does an incel get turned on by a credit card reader?

It's the only time they get asked to 'please insert'

I walk into a unique ice cream shop.

There are rare flavors and if they are combined, it’s really good. The names are also unique and include, but aren’t limited to wuh, kingdee, xiof, malock, tyoofuh, malvoi, zurv, and rekel. I was already in line when I realize my credit card was not in my wallet. I did, however, have some cash. I ge...

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