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Card Jokes

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

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Some jerk glued every card in my deck together so now its just a block of cardboard.

I'm having trouble dealing with it.

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y'know, one would have been enough.

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Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed....

Two couples were playing cards. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed .... Bill's wife was not wearing any panties! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen...

A thief stole my credit card

But I don't mind, he's spending less than my wife

Marriage is like a deck of cards..

In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond, but by the end all you want is a club and a spade.

It was my birthday yesterday, and I received $500 from all the cards I opened.

I really love working in a post office.

The stolen credit card.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: Coz the thief was spending less than my wife.

Police:Then why are you reporting it now?

Man: Well, I think now the thief's wife has started to use it.

I have finally punched my membership card into Dad jokes!

So last night my 12 year old son and I are watching the Little League World Series. The pitcher for the Nevada team has a last name of "Kryszczuk". My son looks to me and asks "Do you think he's Russian?"

My response: Nope, it looks like he's taking his time.

It took him a couple of...

I've only opened three birthday cards and I'm already £150 up!

God I love being a postman

Birthday card

I opened my birthday card and loads of rice fell out.

I knew right away who sent it...

It was my Uncle Ben.

Dear Dad, $chool i$ great. I’m making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying hard. I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, Your $on

Dear Son,
I kNOw astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad

Why couldn’t the sailor play cards?

Because the captain was standing on the deck

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I just got a Christmas card promising lots of anal and oral sex this year...

I fucking hate prison.

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

So a 1024MB Memory Card walks into a bar...

The Memory Card spots a piano, sits down at it and starts playing some incredible music.

After a number of songs, mostly original, the Memory Card gets up and the bar goes wild with cheers and applause.

The bar owner was incredibly impressed and runs up to the Memory Card and says, "Bu...

For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

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I just found out someone opened a credit card in my name and used it to buy thousands of dollars worth of milf porn!

I think I’m a victim of identity Freud.

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I was in line behind this guy buying condoms and his card just got declined.

The old lady behind me whispered "He just got cock blocked by visa"

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Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store.

The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas."
He asks why.
"Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas."
He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand."
He hesitates but knows he must.
He’s dealt an 18.
The dealer has a six showing....

my dad asked me why my report card was all wet when I handed it to him

He should have noticed all the grades were below c-level....



From three mind of my 10 year old favorite daughter....

Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

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How is a birthday card like a masturbating knight?

Both of them came in the mail.

Did you hear about the priest who got carpal tunnel syndrome from playing too many old-timey card games?

He received the euchre-wrist.

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Three sisters were all getting married within a short time period...

...Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.

The card said nothing but: ...

What do you call a gaming PC with a busted graphics card?

One hell of a work computer

What is Putin’s favourite card game?

Bridge

Credit card company called me to report suspicious activity...

I asked what kind of suspicious activity and they said someone made a payment.

“Take a card, any card,” the magician says.

I take his credit card.

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What's the worst animal to play cards with?

A cheetah.

Because it'll rip your fucking face off.

I used my discount card to clean ice off my windshield.

I could only get about 20% off tho

Drink vodka, play cards

A young man in the USSR has received his first work assignment. He is to work at a train yard helping to move the trains around the yard - a good job, with good promotional potential.

The first day of the job, he arrives at the yard, and entering the yard house he introduces himself, and want...

An average boy gets home from school and shows his mother his report card.

An average boy gets home from school and shows his mother his report card. The mother opens it and sees all "B"s and "C"s and is disappointed with her son. She heard from a friend that the nearby church school does a great job at fixing people right up, so she decides to send her son there.

A...

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.

If She Stayed In Italy To Raise The Child, He Would Also Provide Child Support Until The Child Turned 18.
She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for t...

Why do used cards have dog ears?

They have ruff edges

When you are old you can always play the senility card

An elderly couple who were childhood sweethearts had married and settled down in their old neighborhood.
To celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary, they walked down to their old school.
There, they held hands as they found the desk they shared and where he'd carved "I love you, Sally".
On...

Accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today...

my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg

I have no idea why my credit card keeps getting declined

Every time I check my account online, it says I have an outstanding balance.

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What does my APR credit card have in common with my wife giving me a blowjob?

No interest until 2024

All credit card PIN numbers in the World have bee leaked

**0000 0001 0002 0003 0004** …

Have you heard of NVIDIA's new crypto graphics card?

It's the 4090 FTX.

It only has one massive meltdown and you have to send it to the bahamas for repair.

"I remember one time I brought my report card home and said 'Hey Dad, I got a B in Reading!"

He just said "That's a D, you idiot."

Why was Anakin Skywalker rejected for a credit card?

Because he applied for a MasterCard.

What was the deck of playing cards sentenced to after committing a felony?

Solitaire confinement.

Why don’t American schools give Fs on report cards anymore?

Because they’ve already paid enough respects to their students.

What's the difference between a deck of cards and England?

A deck of cards isn't missing a queen.

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Why are discount cards so bad at scraping ice off a car?

Because you only get 10% off

Card Gamblers Joke

Why are toilets always so good at poker?




They always get a flush

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.

First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters

‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

‘Can you read this?’ the optician asked.

‘Read it?’ the Polish guy replied, ‘I know the guy.’

What do you call a country that doesn't use credit cards?

A Czech Republic

Why do trading card game players never have any children?

Because they always put a sleeve on it.

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A snobby young couple was walking through Central Park, discussing their massive credit card and mortgage debt.

As they worried about how to continue their rich lifestyle, a grubby homeless guy appears from behind a bush. He says, “Pssst! hey! I’ll give you a thousand bucks if you let me lick your wife’s boobs.”

The couple were appalled and hurry away. After a few seconds, the wife whispers, “You kn...

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In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the member...

My granddad used to say "Pick a card, any card."

He was the laziest employee Hallmark ever had…

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I've been buying birthday cards for everyone at our local Tourette's Society.

It's the thought that cunts.

Which is the octopus' favorite card?

3 of hearts.

I received a lovely card saying "get better soon"

Which I found confusing, because I haven't been sick. Should I tell my manager she's made a mistake?

I hate card games

They're all one-sided

A lawyer’s wife died. At her grave, everyone was appalled.

The tombstone read, “HERE LIES PHYLLIS, WIFE OF ATTORNEY MURRAY WILLIAMS; SPECIALIZES IN DIVORCE AND MALPRACTICE”.

Murray burst into tears. His brother said, “You SHOULD cry, pulling a cheap publicity stunt like this.”

Murray said, “You don’t understand. I gave them my business card.”<...

Magician: Think of a card, any card.

Me: OK,

Magician: Have you got it?

Me: Yes.

Magician: 7 of spades.

Me: No.

Magician: Huh..? Well, what card were you thinking of then?

Me: Debit.

My friend said she couldn't afford to pay her huge water bill

So I sent her a "get well soon" card.

A man writing at the post office desk was approached by an older fellow with a post card in his hand.

The old man said, "Sir, I'm sorry to bother you but could you address this post card for me? My arthritis is acting up today and I can't even hold a pen."

"Certainly sir," said the younger man, "I'd be glad to."
He wrote out the address and also agreed to write a short message and sign the...

I was playing poker with tarot cards last night.

I got a full house and 3 people died...

My mom didn't like my report card. I told her okay.

She said she wanted more A's.

So I told her "okaaaaay".

SHOW ME YOUR CARD

A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an
old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your
water allocation.' The old farmer said, 'OK , but don't go in that field
over there.

The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the auth...

Why couldn't the sailors play card games?

Because the Captain was sat on the deck

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A Turk, a Frenchman, and an Englishman are traveling on a train.

The compartment gets warm, so the Frenchman opens the window and a fly buzzes in. Wanting to show off, the Frenchman swiftly draws his sword and with one strike, the fly is split in half. As the others look on in amazement, the Frenchman hands out his business card, which reads: "France's Best Sword...

A Card

”Man, am I scared!” confided Paddy to Seamus, looking furtively around the pub. ”I just got a card from a guy saying that he would shoot me if I did not stay away from his wife.”

”Well, stay away from his wife,” advised Seamus, ”and you have got no problem.”

”How can I?” moaned Paddy, ...

Can i see your report card ?

Dad :  "Can I see your report card, son?"
Son: "I don't have it."
Dad: "Why?"
Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

For Halloween im gonna be a credit card…

Because I'm always getting denied (by ladies)

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

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This old man is playing cards and keeps on winning...

He always seems to have an Ace of Spades.

The people around ask, "How is that happening?"

He replies, "I'm wearing my lucky sweater. My wife knitted it for me."

A few plays later, and still, he keeps winning.

Now, everyone accuses him of cheating.

"What's up your s...

Little Jason was writing a Christmas card to his friend David

He asked his mum, "mum, how do I spell Merry Christmas"?

Mum: "You can find it on the card, it starts with the letter M".

A week later, David's mum sent a picture of a Christmas card to Jason's mum via Telegram. This was written in the card:

" David, Made in china. ...

An Englishman, Frenchman and Turk

Were all in a train cabin. Feeling a little warm, the Frenchman opened the window and a little fly came buzzing in.

Wanting to impress the other two, the Frenchman takes out his sword and in one swoop sliced the fly in half. Feeling proud of himself, closes the window and hands out his busine...

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on Christmas Day.

It wasn't his actual birthday, but he wasn't going to tell Chuck Norris that.

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I tried to buy fertilizer and my card was declined. Its finally happened...

I cant afford shit.

I said to the woman at the deli, “I’d like to buy a corned beef and pastrami, with pickles.” She replied, “Sorry..."

"We only take cash or card.”

Hallmark Card:

“I’m so miserable without you, it’s almost like you’re still here.”

What's the number one reason for requesting a medical marijuana card?

"I need it for my joints!"

What did captain kirk’s music teach put on his report card?

He’s having trouble with the trebles

How do you call an incel who performs card tricks?

A m'gician.

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Your credit card is like your penis

If you stick it in to anywhere that lets you don't be surprised when it comes back to haunt you. If you give it to the wrong person it can get expensive fast. If you can get protection for it you should. You shouldn't go whipping it out in public lest you attract the wrong kind of attention.
...

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It’s WWII and there’s a little anti-aircraft unit based on the east coast of England. The sergeant has a stutter.

One dark night they’re playing cards under the glow of their gas lamp, and suddenly they hear the distant sound of aircraft engines. The sergeant barks, “Ggggggggg-ggggg-gggggg-gggg-ggggg-get to the gggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggggg-gggg-ggggggg-ggg-gggggg-ggg-gun.”

All the men throw down their cards a...

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My sex life is like my credit card.

It expired a long time ago.

Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor..

Two couples are playing cards at the table, and someone accidentally knocks them to the floor. One of the men goes under the table to pick up the cards, and as he looks up he can see up his friend's wife's dress and that she isn't wearing any underwear.

Blushing coming up from the table, he ...

Valentine Cards

Mike walked into a post office just before Valentine's day, he couldn't help noticing a middle-aged, balding man standing in a corner sticking "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. Then the man got out a bottle of Channel perfume from his pocket and started spraying scen...

Have you seen the new iPhone card trick?

It's the one where all the jacks dissappear

My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card

Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order

New drinking game! Draw a card. If it's black take a shot.

I call it the Ferguson

My debit card was declined at the local Marijuana dispencery today

Turns out the card was not linked to a joint account

Thanks to these vaccination cards...

I'll never lose my v card

When shopping for Valentine's day cards, I found one saying "Baby, you're the only one for me."

Great slogan, so I took 12.

Johnny threw a pack of cards at Jenny

Jenny started crying but the teacher told her to deal with it

I scored a 175 on an IQ test with just 3 simple questions

1. My credit card number
2. My social security number
3. Uploading a scan of my birth certificate

In a public library, a man with his new library card questioned the blonde librarian.

“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“And may I take out vinyl records too?”

“Yes, you may.”

“May I take you out?” he ventured.

*"Sir, the librarians are for reference only.”*

Why did the tourist pay for everything with their green card?

Because they never got their Visa.

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

I've lost all my pokemon cards in a house fire...

I've only got Ash now.

Inflation in the USA is so high at this point that...…

\- I recieved a predeclined credit card in the mail.
\- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
\- Exxon-Mobil fired 25 Congressmen.
\- McDonald's is selling the amazing 1/4 ouncer.
\- Angelina Jolie adopted a kid from the US.
\- Moms and Dad's in Beverly Hills let go of ...

Buying yourself an Uber gift card is ironic.

Cause it's a free ride when you've already paid.

At the North Pole, what do elves put on their time card?

"Present".

I was really happy when I opened four birthday cards and found a total of $200 in them.

I love being a postman.

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My wife said sex was much better on vacation.

That wasn't a very nice post card to receive.

I ordered a deck of cards from Amazon and two weeks later it hasn't arrived.

Customer service told me they're dealing with it.

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