birthday card I received from my brother...Forget about the past you can't change it, forget about the future, you can't predict it, forget about the present...

I didn't get you one.

My debit card was declined at the local Marijuana dispencery today

Turns out the card was not linked to a joint account

The ad in the paper said, "You think you're funny? Tell us your best pun, and you'll win a $200 Amazon gift card!"

Well, I just couldn't resist. I sat down and wrote not one, but 10 of my best knee-slappers, rib-ticklers, and witty turns-of-phrase. I sent my list of comedy gold to the paper, and then began daydreaming about what I would do with $200.

The day on which the paper announced the contest winner...

A couple of cows were smoking a joint while playing cards....

That’s right, the steaks were pretty high.

Marriage is a lot like a deck of cards.

You start with a diamond and heart and you end with a club and spade.

Thanks to these vaccination cards...

I'll never lose my v card

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of asexuals are playing cards

one, the dealer, says "I would tell you all not to cheat, but there are already five aces at the table."

Can i see your report card ?

Dad :  "Can I see your report card, son?"
Son: "I don't have it."
Dad: "Why?"
Son: "I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents."

As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said

Y’know, one would have been enough.

I hate card games

They're all one-sided

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually...

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for solitaire.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween party.

They were ready to leave when the wife came down with a headache. She told her husband to go to the party, no need to miss it because of her headache. So the husband left for the party.

About an hour later his wife's headache went away and she felt better. She put on her costume and went to ...

New digital LOTR trading card JPEGs for sale!!!

Non Fungible Tolkien’s

My girlfriend gave me a Valentine's Day card

Silly girl disguised it as a restraining order

I got rid of my house, cars and credit cards to get my interest rates lower..

It worked! Now girls are barely interested in me..
(Heard it from somewhere on tv maybe)

The contactless card transaction limit is to rise from £45 to £100

For some, this is the most they’ll have spent with no touching since the strip clubs closed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

She did what he said

The retiring mailman

The mailman who had been on the same route for 10 years was leaving the job.

He had made many friends on the route and decided to put a note in their mailboxes informing them.

Many on his route came out of their houses to wish him well and some even gave h...

Today I got 150 Valentines cards, I was totally shocked and breathless

The security guard at Hallmark gave quite a chase!

An old man decides to look into a Nudist Colony

He is invited to try the one week trial period so he does.

On his first day he took off his clothes and started to wander around the area. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection.

The woman notices his erection, walks over to him and asks, "did you ...

The Blind Cashier

A woman goes into the Bass Pro Shop to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.A Bass Pro Shop associate is standing there wearing dark shades.


She says, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me ...

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino.

After four weeks they still hadn’t been delivered so I rang them up to see what was going on.

They told me they were still dealing with my order.

I opened a fresh loaf of bread and found a baseball card wedged between two slices.

It was a Catcher in the Rye.

I pulled 5 cards blindly and got a royal straight flush

I was soo happy until i realise i was playing blackjack.

Just tried to de-snow my car with a loyalty card

I only managed to get 10% off

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: The thief was spending less than my wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two tipsy women sneak into a graveyard to pee one night.

Once done, one uses her panties to wipe with and throws them away, the other uses a ribbon from a nearby wreath.


The next day one husband called the other: "My wife came home last night without any panties!"


"That's nothing!" The other replied, "My wife had a card stuck between...

“Officer, you can’t give me a ticket. I have to go run the marathon tomorrow.”

Cop: That’s not how you play the race card.

I am in the hospital because my cousin’s brother swallowed a 16gb memory card and he is singing all songs in it

Were hoping it doesn't reach video folder...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Polish guy goes into an Opticians for an eye test.

Optician holds up the card with CZWJNYSACZ and asks him can he read that?

The Pole says “Read it? I know the cunt”.

For Halloween im gonna be a credit card.

Because I'm always getting denied

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Playing cards in pairs is like sex

If you don’t have a great partner, you should have a good hand.

Take 2: Someone stole my credit cards and apparently made a purchase in a furniture store.

I only found out when the bank contacted me and told me that my card had been reclined.

A thief has stolen the credit card of a family

The kid asks the father: _"But why haven't you reported it to the police?!"_

Father: _Shut up kid! He spends less than your mom!_

All credit card PIN numbers in the World have bee leaked

**0000 0001 0002 0003 0004** …

The Oblivious Miner

A miner moves out to Colorado. Having spent a few years in California, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dusk 'til dawn in the mines, and then from dawn 'til dusk drinking, playing card games and occasionally have some great night with them lady(or ladies).
...

My dad rewards me when I earn a good report card, but any “C”s are punished with unbearable dad-jokes.

He likes to call it the carrot and schtick method of parenting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Women are walking home from the bar.

They have to piss so they slip into a cemetary. One uses her panties to wipe herself, the other uses flowers and gifts off a head stone. Next night husbands are at the bar, one looks at the other and says "I'm gonna have to watch my wife she came home with no panties on last night." The other one sa...

They're playing with the largest deck of cards ever at this year's World Series of Poker.

It's a pretty big deal.

I held up by TSA because I packed a deck of fortune telling cards

They must have thought I was a taroist

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three new cellmates are contemplating their life sentences in prison.

The first guy pulls out a deck of playing cards and says, "Don't worry, guys. I brought these cards with me so that we can play poker to pass the time."

The second guy pulls out a harmonica and says, "I brought this harmonica so that I can play some music to cheer us up when we're feeling dow...

Why couldn’t the pirate play cards?

Because he was sitting on the deck.

What is it called to be stuck in a card game

Solitairey confinement

Accidentally swiped my donor card instead of my debit card today...

my groceries ended up costing me an arm and a leg

Help, how do I get the frost off my windshield?

I used my discount card but could only get 20% off.

Two guys are playing cards in a nursing home when a naked old lady with a walker goes streaking

One guy says, “what was that?”

The other guy responds, “I don’t know, but it needed ironing!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Card Game

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the ...

Some African animals playing cards in Las Vegas.

Lion: Stop taking extremely quick glances at my card, you're a cheetah!

Cheetah: No, your Lion!

Warthog: You guys are just ignoring the guy with the super long nose who can suck up cards while nobody notices.

Elephant: Well I wouldn't be so hungry for cards if you weren't HOGGIN...

Man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him started playing poker

A henpecked man got tired of his wife constantly picking on him, so he started playing poker on Friday nights with his buddies just to get some relief.

After he came home she'd start right in on him again.


After several weeks went by, he came home early one Friday night about 9:...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old woman accidentally drops her fake teeth at the park while walking her dog.

She can’t find the teeth anywhere in the tall grass. A man spots her bending over and asks what she lost. “I dropped my false teeth somewhere around here.”

“Oh,” the man says, “that’s no big deal. Here, try this pair on.”

He hands her a set of teeth that are too big for her mouth. He h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community.

All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" (Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman who plays cards once a month with a group of friends.....

was concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home ‪around 11:30‬.....One night she decided to try not to rouse him. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom - only to find her husband sitting up in bed reading."Damn it woman!" he exclaimed. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three prisoners are being transported to the prison where they will spend the rest of their lives. On the way there they have a chat about the things they're taking with them.

The first prisoner says:

- I've got a drawing kit. When I'm behind bars, I want to spend the rest of my life making art.

The second says:

- I've got cards. Now I can play stuff like poker, blackjack or bridge.

The third one says:

- And I've got a box of tampons....

What country does not accept cash or credit cards?

The Czech Republic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

It was time for the Sunday morning service to begin but there was no trace of the main preacher.

A young priest was asked to take his place. Worried out of his mind, he went to the bishop's room. "What shall I do, bishop? They're asking me to give a sermon and I don't have anything prepared!"

"Trust the Lord, good man, trust the Lord." said the Bishop. Having found no solution, the pries...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Back when Pope John Paul II died, the Vatican College of Cardinals were faced with the responsibility of choosing a new pope for the Catholic Church...

... At first, they favored a British Cardinal by the name of Cardinal Nigel Mason.

Card. Mason had been a pilot in WWII, fighting Germany's Luftwaffe. He was decorated for his service, during which he shot down 12 Nazi fighter planes.

He himself was finally shot down and made a rough l...

Can anyone recommend a better way to clear the ice from my windscreen?

I tried using my discount card but could only get 20% off!

My dentist told me "This might hurt a little bit. Are you ready?"

I said "Yes, I'm ready."

He said "Cash or credit card?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

Another Lawyer Joke

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined!"
"It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer.
"Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?"
"No! The judge is a stickler on ethical behavior. A stunt lik...

I went to the liquor store today

and I bought a bunch of bottles of wine. I’m getting ready to pay, and the cashier asked “you wanna box for those?”

I looked at him and said “nah, I hate violence. Is it cool if I just pay with my card?”

An engineer accidentally gave a medical school exam. See his answers:

1. Antibody - One who hates his body .

2. Artery - Study of Fine Paintings or military, not sure.

3. Bacteria - Back door of a Cafeteria .

4. Coma - Punctuation Mark .

5. Gall Bladder - Bladder of a Girl .

6. Genes - Blue Denim.

7. Labour Pain - Hurt at Work...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Catholic priest, a Protestant pastor and a Jewish rabbi are playing poker

Now, this was back during the times of the German Empire when poker was highly illegal and the police was quite antisemitic. And as bad luck would have it, a raid happens. They can get rid of the cards, but it's still kind of obvious what's going on.

"Confess! You have been playing poker!"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An employee stole my credit card and used it to buy porn. I had to fire him for poor judgement....

WHO PAYS FOR PORN?!?

A Police Officer Pulls Over a Car With Four People in it.

When the driver opens the window, he proceeds to say, "Congratulations, because everyone has their seatbelt on today, you are going to win a $200 gift card!"

The driver responds, "Oh thank goodness, I thought you were pulling me over for running that stop sign a mile back."

The front s...

A newly married doctor got a call inviting him to go and play cards that evening.

A newly married doctor got a call inviting him to go and play cards that evening.

"I have to go out, honey," he said to his wife.

"Oh no, not again," she said. "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes," replied her husband. "There are three doctors there already."

I have a phobia about cards.

But I'm dealing with it.

My friend said that he couldn't afford to pay his huge water bill...

So, I sent him a 'Get well Soon' card.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your credit card is like your penis

If you stick it in to anywhere that lets you don't be surprised when it comes back to haunt you. If you give it to the wrong person it can get expensive fast. If you can get protection for it you should. You shouldn't go whipping it out in public lest you attract the wrong kind of attention.
...

I had an appointment with a doctor's office to get my medical marijuana card the other day...

When asked where I heard of them, I told him my friend reeferred me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Happy Endings...

There's a middle aged guy - getting a bit fat and bald now, got a gimpy leg so he's walking with a cane - his wife just gave up trying to get horny and sent him out to find his fun somewhere else.

So he arrives at a brothel he'd heard about - pretty tall, a townhouse, very plain looking outsi...

Hey man why did you choose 0911 as your credit card code ?

Never forget

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine

an extrovert, an alcoholic and a karen were reluctant to take the covid vaccine. the doctor tries to persuade them

the extrovert denies

" you won't be able to go to public gatherings anymore"

the extrovert agrees to take it



the alcoholic denies

"you will ha...

All I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I’m having a hard time dealing with this.

Got my girlfriend a "get better soon" card

She isn't sick, I just think she can get better

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I read my mom's ID card today

She's so bad at sex, that she got an F in it

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years. One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discre...

My wife's credit card was stolen a week ago.

So far they are spending less money than she normally does so I'm not going say anything.

So a 1024MB Memory Card walks into a bar...

The Memory Card spots a piano, sits down at it and starts playing some incredible music.

After a number of songs, mostly original, the Memory Card gets up and the bar goes wild with cheers and applause.

The bar owner was incredibly impressed and runs up to the Memory Card and says, "Bu...

Cards reference

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knew his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “My father taught me.”

“Good. What comes after three?”

“Four,” answered the boy.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” said the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. And what comes ...

I got a card today and on the envelope in big red letters said, "PLEASE DO NOT BEND."

"How am I going to pick it up?" I thought to myself .

My wife and I figured out a way to play poker with Uno cards

Total game changer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A good man dies and goes to heaven where God, impressed by the man's life record, grants him one final wish.

"Well, God, I know this seems petty, but I've never won at blackjack."

That's okay, my friend, God says, and He snaps His fingers and He and the man are sitting at a blackjack table in Vegas. The man puts up a $1,000 bet. The dealer's showing a 6 and the man's showing a 17. The man signals th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sister got a fucking Cadillac on her birthday and all I got was an Amazon gift card.

It's fucking unfair, now I have to wait until my own birthday to get a good present.

Hey girl are you a Magic The Gathering card?

Cause i’d tap you

What is the most exciting credit card?

Capital One

(lets see how many people get this)

Police suspect that a recent string of burglaries have been committed by a person obviously suffering from severe IBS. The culprit has left their "calling card" at each house they've broken into.

Unfortunately, the police have no firm leads.

For her birthday, my wife asked for "something with diamonds".

I gave her a pack of playing cards.

She's my ex-wife now.

A guy's credit card gets stolen, and after a couple of months he finally goes to the police to report it.

Cop: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card before now?

Guy: The thief was spending less money than my wife.

Cop: Then why are you reporting it now?

Guy: I think the thief's wife started using it.

A city slicker moves to Wyoming and buys a large ranch in the middle of nowhere.

Two weeks later he sees a small cloud of dust coming from the East. Up rides an old dusty cowboy on his horse.

"Howdy partner," the old cowboy says.

"Howdy," the man replies.

The Cowboy says, "I hear we're new neighbors. I own the place 5 miles that way. How 'bout coming ove...

A man walks into a coffee shop

Cashier: Congratulations! You are our 10,000th customer. Enjoy this complimentary bagel.

Man: Gee, thanks!

Cashier: That will be £2.50 please. Cash or card?

Man: I thought you said it was complimentary...

Bagel: You have a beautiful smile

Why Parents Drink

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed
was nicely made and everything was picked up.
Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and...

A magician & his parrot on a cruise ship

A magician and his parrot had been working the cruise ship circuit for quite a few years now, and the parrot seems bored and cranky. He starts heckling the magician and ruining the magician’s act by telling the audience how the tricks were done. “He had the dove up his sleeve the whole time!” and ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two wives have a night out

They decide to walk home, but on the way both have a desperate need to pee.
They nip into a cemetery, do the deed and realise they have nothing to wipe themselves with.
So one uses her underwear and the other grabs a wreath and uses that.
Next day there husbands are talking on the phone, vo...

A young woman goes to a fortuneteller. The fortuneteller tells her that she will be broke and unhappy until she turns fifty.

“What happens when I turn fifty?” the young woman asks, staring down at the cards.

“Oh, nothing,” said the fortuneteller. “You’ll just be used to it by then.”

SHOW ME YOUR CARD

A Department of Water representative stopped at a farm and talked with an
old farmer. He told the farmer, 'I need to inspect your farm for your
water allocation.' The old farmer said, 'OK , but don't go in that field
over there.

The Water representative said, 'Mister, I have the auth...

“Take a card, any card,” the magician says.

I take his credit card.

My wife told Me She wants a divorce because I take our marriage as a game.....

So I gave Her an UNO reverse card and now I am the one who wants a divorce.

People say I’m too aggressive when I’m trading baseball cards.

It’s because I’m Ruthless.

What's Thanos' favourite card game?

Snap

For the past twenty years, I've received a Valentine's card from the same secret admirer. So, I was pretty upset when I didn't get one this year.

First my granny dies, now this?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW A duck walks into a pharmacy...

He approaches the pharmacist and says "I need some teylenol for my headache".

The pharmacist says "Are you paying with cash or card?".

The duck replies "Just put it on my bill".

So the duck goes back the next day approaching the counter and tells the pharmacist "I need some co...

What do Canadians get on their report card

Staight EH'S

It said :"Only black ties" on the wedding invitation card.

But when I arrived, I saw people wearing suits too.

Life...

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop.

When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there w...

I've been trying to learn to play solitaire, but I can't finish a single game!

You'd think it would be easier, since my deck is already missing six cards.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We are playing poker

One night this little boy walks into his parents room & they were going at it. The little boy asked "what are y'all doing?" His dad looks back & quickly says "uggghh. We are playing poker & your mom is a wildcard"

A few days later the little boy walks into his sister's room. Her &...

A guy walks into a post office one day

to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing ''Love'' stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity gets the better of him and he goes up to the balding man and as...

When i'm bored in Lockdown i just send flowers with An "i miss you" card to my neighbour John.

Then i go to the balcony with a drink and listen to his wife.

I’m stuck in quarantine all alone with a deck of cards.

I guess you could say I’m in solitaire confinement.

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