I offer my kids $500 for every A on their report card.It sends the message that education is a priority in our household.

And it costs me absolutely nothing since my kids aren't that bright.

Every year for Valentine’s Day I used to always get a card from a secret admirer. This is the first year where I haven’t received anything.

First my granny dies, now this?

I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day.

Eventually the post office fired me for it.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me, with tears in his eyes and said,

"Son, you know that one would have been enough."

I Got my girlfriend a “get better soon” card.

She’s not ill or anything but she could definitely get better.

Dad, why haven’t you reported to the police that mom credit card was stolen?

Shut up boy!

That thief spends way less than your mother

What do a Credit Card and a Gymnast have in common?

Outstanding Balance!

What's the most powerful card in Magic The Gathering?

Credit Card.

My mom didn’t like my report card.

I said okay.

She said she wants more A’s.

I said okaaaaaaaaaaaay.

Why did the dad put the credit card statement on his feet?

Because it said ‘new balance’ on it.

When I was a kid, I had a 26 card deck for each letter of the alphabet.

I managed to lose every one of them, except my V card.

My buddy and I have a picture of the Islamic God on the smart card inside our mobile phones.

We're very SIM Allah.

Got a birthday card today

I got a birthday card today, when I opened it a bag of rice fell out.

It was from uncle Ben

What's a North Korean's Favourite Card Game?

Kim Jong Uno

Why didn't the sailors play cards?

Because the captains always sitting on the deck

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The bank questioned the man why he didn't report the stolen credit card earlier.

"That son of a bitch was spending way less than my wife."

The amount of Valentine's day cards I got this year has left me breathless.

Turns out the card shop has a security guard and he gives a good chase.

I need to get a valentine's card for my lactose intolerant wife

But they're all too cheesy

If I got 1000 dollars every time I didn’t know if I had enough money on my card to prevent it from getting declined

It would never get declined again

"My brother was telling me he received a Valentines day card today"

"Awe, he must've been thrilled. "

"No, not really, it was from his cell mate. "

Why don’t American schools give Fs on report cards anymore?

Because they’ve already paid enough respects to their students.

I should get my girlfriend a card for her birthday.

I’ll make it green. I’m sure she will like it, all my friends say she must want one if she’s dating me.

My sister got an F on HER report card today.

How do you even get an f in gender, like is there something wrong with her? Should i get her help?

Which deck of cards does Professor Oak use for his poker games?

His poker decks.

After once again being unable to pay my bill, the water company sent me a card this morning.

Get Well Soon

I heard a life tip that went; If you’re ever too embarrassed to buy something, get a birthday card with it.

The cashier wasn’t amused by the birthday tampons for my wife.

As i handed my dad his 55th birthday card he started screaming...

Son, why did you buy me 55 birthday cards?!

Some guy over the phone asked for my credit card details.

"Sure," I said. "It's blue and there's bits of cocaine on it."

Marriage is like cards.

When you first get married it's two hearts and a diamond. 40 years later it turns into a club and a spade.

A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards...

The steaks were pretty high

What concert card costs only 45 cents?

50 cents featuring nickelback

I ordered a second-hand deck of cards from a casino. After four weeks, they still hadn’t been delivered, so I called them up to see what was going on...

They told me they were still dealing with my order…

I brought home my report card to proudly show I had received a 'B' in Reading. ..

... but my Mom said, "you numbskull, that's a 'D' !

My VISA card was stolen two months ago, but I don’t want to report it.

The guy who took it is using it less than my wife.

A friend sent me a card congratulating me for doing Veganuary.

Thanks, tastiest thing I've eaten so far.

A patient bursts into a doctor’s office, "Doctor, I believe I'm a deck of cards!"

The doctor calmly replies, "Go sit in the waiting room, please, I'll be dealing with you later."

What gift card does santa get for naughty children?

Kohl’s

People say I pull the race card too often...

I'd like to think it more as a checkered flag.

Which type of card can destroy the world?

A Trump.

I knew this girl who didn't really understand the concept of the "V-Card"

I guess she thought it was an actual, physical card given to everyone at birth. And I guess she didn't understand why she didn't have one. So whenever someone would ask about it, she'd say

"I lost mine when I was too young to remember."

For my birthday, the only thing I got was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was in line behind this guy buying condoms and his card just got declined.

The old lady behind me whispered "He just got cock blocked by visa"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two women go on a night out...

Two women, Mary and Margaret, go on a night out, leaving their husbands at home. After a heavy night of Guinness, and while walking home through a large cemetery they both have a strong urge to relieve themselves. They each pop a squat behind a bush, and after doing the deed Mary calls over "psssst,...

Have you ever tried making a house of cards with credit cards?

You have to use ones with outstanding balances.

We can argue all day about what the best card game is but I think we can all agree...

Uno is number 1

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's no pleasing some women. Take the other day, I said to my wife, "Pick a card, any card you like!"

"Make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest of the pack."

"Fuck you Ralph! It's our anniversary!" she replied, stomping out of the card shop

Did Stephen Hawking have a donor card?

. .Cos I really need bits for my kids go-kart

What is the best card in Valve's Artifact?

The Credit Card.

A house of cards is really fragile

One blow from a little kid and it all comes tumbling down

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I bought a defective pack of playing cards. It had only three suits and all the cards were jacks.

I'm still trying to get a refund from those heartless bastards.

Hey girl are you a magic the gathering card?

Cause I'd tap you

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Some people play the sexist card. Some people play the racist card. Guess what my wife plays?

My credit card.

Magician: Is this your card?

Mom: OMG yes!!

Magician: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for the birthday party?

Where do My Hero Academia characters keep their Yu-Gi-Oh cards?

A DEKU box!

My mum got my report card and said “I’m not very happy”. I said “okay”. She said “I need more A’s”.

I said “Okaaaaaay”

Where do you get a degree in professional card games?

The Unoversity.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Have you heard about the new right wing extremist card game that must be played at sea?

It's called Nazi yacht yahtzee.

The stolen credit card.

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

Man: Coz the thief was spending less than my wife.

Police:Then why are you reporting it now?

Man: Well, I think now the thief's wife has started to use it.

I tried playing poker with Tarot cards once

I got a full house and four people died.

What did the pirate get on his report card?

Seven Cs!

Paddy was sitting in his local pub when a fine looking Italian woman walks in.

He offered her a drink and over the course of the night he charmed her with funny Irish stories and songs. She’d never had a night like it before and decided to invite him back to her room.

They had a passionate affair all that summer.
One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant....

Yugi: Kaiba! How come Your card grabbed my card's groin and threatened to deport it...

Kaiba: You fool! You've activated my Trump card.

Two wives ho out for girls' night.

Both got drunk, started walking home and had to go to the bathroom. They stopped at a cemetery but had nothing to wipe with. One used her panties and the other grabbed a wreath off a grave. The next morning, one husband calls the other and says

"No more girls' night out. My wife came back wit...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It’s my birthday today, I received lots of cards.

Most of them had money fall out of them when I opened them which was great. When I opened the last one there was no money just a load of rice fell out, I thought what the fuck is this!?!???
 

Then I realised it must be from Uncle Ben.

The guy who stole the spotify gift cards got caught

He got 6 months.

Processor has had a bad day..

Graphics Card: Ya'know man, I can really put things into perspective for you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald Trump built a house of cards out of his Magic the Gathering collection.

It was a little house, but it had multiple floors, and was even sturdy enough for a sitting room on the second floor. Donald loved to go up there and draw in his coloring books. One day he thought something might be wrong with it, which frustrated him, since he had worked so hard on it. Angrily, he ...

It only takes 3.5” to pleasure a woman.

It can be Visa, Master Card, or Amex.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Couples Were Playing Cards

Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refre...

The year is 1804 and a young man enlists on a ship..

..his first voyage is to last 3 years, and even though the work is hard the young man takes to it like a fish in water.

After only a few days he is running the riggin like an old hand, he swabs the decks without complaint and spends his free time in amicable companionship playing cards or tel...

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a brand new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, "Where did you get that truck?!"

"I bought it today," he says.

"With what money?" says his mother.

They knew what a new F150 cost.

"Well," he says, "this one cost me just fifteen dollars."

The father looks at him like he's ...

I keep imagining I'm holding an invisible pack of cards

No one knows what I'm dealing with.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It's a good thing they shut down production of House of Cards

It's be too unrealistic to have someone playing the US president who has been accused of sexual misconduct.

An average boy gets home from school and shows his mother his report card.

An average boy gets home from school and shows his mother his report card. The mother opens it and sees all "B"s and "C"s and is disappointed with her son. She heard from a friend that the nearby church school does a great job at fixing people right up, so she decides to send her son there.

A...

Little Johnny's father asked for report card.

Johnny replied, "I don't have it."

"Why not?" His father asked.

"My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."

Never play cards with big cats...

... They're all Cheetahs and Lions!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A rich man and a poor man both happen to be looking at birthday cards for their wives...

The rich man and poor man find out their wives share the same birthday.

The rich man proudly boasts what he got his wife for the special occasion.

"I got her a brand new Porsche **and** a diamond necklace. You see, if she doesn't like the car, I'll just give her the necklace! What di...

I need a medical marijuana card for my joint pain!

They're always burning!

I played cards by myself in prison...

It was solitaire confinement.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teacher asks her class, "What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day"....