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A fucking Chuck Norris joke I made when I was 7

What happens when Chuck Norris kicks the bucket?

He breaks a couple floors

I just saw that Chuck Yeager has died

...and then I heard it a few seconds later

Gordon Ramsay gets served a glass of ice water and he chucks it straight at the waiter’s face.

The ice wasn’t fresh, it was frozen.

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Chuck Norris once visited Virginia

Now it's called just "ia"

Chuck Norris was dropped twice as a baby.

Once in Hiroshima and once in Nagasaki...

Do you know where Chuck Norris stands on White Nationalists?

On their necks.

Why did Chuck Norris cross the Road?

Well, the road wasn’t going to cross Chuck Norris.

What did Ryu and Ken find at Chuck-E-Cheese?

**HA TOKEN!**

**- - -**

(Street Fighter joke, but I know my fellow nerds lurk this sub)

Chuck Norris Joke

A priest, Jesus and Chuck Norris are on a sinking boat. Jesus starts to walk back to land. Chuck Norris does the same. The priest says "Lord, please let me walk on water", tries to walk but drowns. When Jesus and Chuck Norris got on land Jesus asked him "Shouldn't we have told him where the stones a...

Chuck Norris once performed a table flip.

Ever since Atlantis is considered a myth.

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people

Then the grenade exploded

What happens when you mess up at ninja church?

The nun chucks you out

Chuck Norris tested positive for coronavirus

The virus is now on a ventilator.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,

he turns the dark off.

Yoda and Chuck Norris got into a fight

Eversince then, Yoda has been speaking backward

How many nuns would a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?

none

Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19

Virus has been quarantined for 14 days

Chuck Norris caught COVID.

But then he felt bad, so he let it go.

So, This is a very famous joke from my country ,I hope to see the response

A conference for who the best actor in the world was held, Actors from all around the world came to take part in the competition.There were many qualifier rounds but then only 5 actors remained in the finals.

The final contest was decided to be a manual cow milking competition. The rules were...

One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.

That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

The Peanuts gang goes to a WWE show, each one randomly picking a WWE legend from a hat to dress up as for the show. Linus: "I got John Cena!" Peppermint Patty: "I got Becky Lynch! Who'd you get, Chuck?"

Charlie Brown: "I got The Rock."

Chuck Norris has a bear rug

No it's not dead it's just too scared to move

Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.

Because all of his genes are dominant.

A Lumberjack Named Chuck is Working at a Mill

His job is to throw lumber down the chute to the saw that cuts them in half. One day, he's in a horrible accident, and loses both of his arms. Obviously he can't work, and fights tooth and nail with his union to get him the pay he would've received if he could work the rest of the year. They send a ...

Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..

..then I realized he was aborted.

Chuck Norris wears a mask not because he has to protect himself from Corona Virus.

He wears it so Corona Virus can protect itself from him.

There once was a farmer...

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "1 will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answere...

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?

By shaving with them.

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Why doesn't Chuck Norris wear a coronavirus mask in public?

He does.
Because Chuck Norris isn't an asshole.

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Four guys are hanging out

One of them says, “Hey, did you know 1 out of ever 4 guys is gay?”

Larry says, “I hope it’s chuck because he’s really cute.”

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are reading a script at lunch...

It's for Stallone's new movie *The Composers*, about the descendants of famous European composers joining forces to fight terrorism. Stallone says he'll play Beethoven, "My theme will be ode to joy. But get this: Joy is the name of my shotgun."

"Nice," says Norris. "I'll be Mozart, and I'...

What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?

The Three-Hole Punch...

Did you hear ? Toby died while Chuck was laughing at him.

I probably think it was a manslaughter.

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees

Chuck Norris will be 80 in a few hours so post your best Chuck Norris Jokes in the comments!

Mr. Chu, Du, and Fu were three friends from China that wanted to come to the US.

In order to get a visa, they were told they needed a more “American” name.

So, Chu became Chuck,

Du became Duck,

And Fu,

... well, Fu remained in China.

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane!

He pointed his finger at it and yelled “bang!”

Three Chinese friends

Chu, Bu, and Fu, decided to immigrate to the United States

In order to get their visas, they needed to change their names to something more American. Chu became Chuck, Bu became Buck and Fu..... decided to travel back to China.

I know what happened before the Big Bang...

Chuck Norris ate a can of beans

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Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.

He's used the same napkin since 1974.
He just scares the shit out of it.

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."

Sylveste...

Does this sub take requests? Please share your favorite Chuck Norris joke!

They once named a street after Chuck Norris, but they had to change it. Nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives!

Chuck Norris and Superman fought once and placed a bet on the outcome. The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside!

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

 
 
 
 

The butcher shouldn’t put the names of the cows on the packaging.

I feel really bad eating good old Chuck.

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I chucked my phone into a very deep lake

Fucken thing's still synching.

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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house

Cold and wind don't dare to come in

This morning Chuck Norris was shot

Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition

Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...

It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.

Too bad he doesn’t cry.

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Bragging Doctors

Doc 1 bragged, "I had a patient once who blew out his ACL & MCL. I reconstructed his knee, and 2 years later he completed the Boston marathon."

Doc 2 replied, "That's nothing! I had a patient who was in a head-on collision with a truck. I reconstructed virtually all of his joints and more...

Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast...

...at ate a glock every morning.

There was three guys and they decided to chuck something out of an aeroplane. The first guy dropped out a dagger. The second guy dropped out a boulder and the third guy dropped out a bomb. The first guy went home and he saw his dad crying in the yard and he asked his dad “what’s wrong?”

The dad says “a dagger fell out of the sky and hit my wife on the head and now she’s dead.

The second guy went home and it’s the same story, he asks his dad “what’s wrong?”

“A boulder fell out of the sky and hit my wife in the head and now she’s dead”

The third guy got home, a...

Chuck Norris doesn't just get the coronavirus

He also gets the same misleading information from this administration as the rest of us.

When Chuck Norris moved out

his dad became the man of the house.

What did Chuck Norris tell his father when he left for college?

“You’re the man of the house now”

Chuck Norris has died aged 79

But Death is too scared to let him know.

Chuck Norris is a coward!

If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my keybakwue hr<awjd <akreu<an<awlkuhnc<a kjdqw;eoim

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat. They had to get to land, but had no oars.

Jesus starts walking across the water, and finally makes it safely to the other side.

Chuck joins Jesus, and walks safely across too.

The Irishman thought, if they can d...

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A guy asked me: Who is this Chuck Norris guy?

Well, in short: He build the house he was born in by his aunt because no one dared to screw his mom. In his youth he molested catholic priests after that he joined the army where He was a well known Kamikaze pilot for about 7 times. He made fire with a magnifying glass under water at night and coun...

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250.

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
...

So Chuck Norris is going to Area 51

We’re now 1.2 million infantrymen and 1 chuck norris strong. Our plan of attack is to send 400,000 from the east, 400,000 from the west, 400,000 from the south and Chuck Norris from the North.

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing what to dress up as for the 80's Action Hero Costume Ball.

"I know", says Stallone, "Lets all go as famous composers. "I'll be Beethoven".

"I'll go as Mozart", says Chuck.

Schwarzenegger gets up and walks swiftly to the door. At the last second, he looks back and says,

"I'll be Bach"

Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty

And killed someone in Battlefield

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When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity,

he got it back!

So an English man, an American, an Asian, a blonde, Chuck Norris and Yo momma walk into a bar...

The barman asks...




Is this some kind of joke?

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

Chuck Norris actually died 6 years ago.

...But the Grim Reaper still hasn't gotten up the courage to tell him.

Chuck Norris passed 6 kidney stones...

Thanos used them in his Infinity Gauntlet.

Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.

After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.

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The Big Bang Theory

# Some Background Info

The TV show "The Big Bang Theory" was created by Chuck Lorre. At the end of each episode he inserted a one screen humorous comment.

While season 4 was being produced, the lead actress had a horseback riding accident unrelated to the show which caused her a broke...

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, assuming for purposes of argument that it is within the power of a woodchuck to chuck wood?

You woodn't believe it, but the woodchuck axeually started his own branch. Experts suggest he took the wrong root to success, however, sapping all growth from the market.

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Why did Chuck Norris’ aunt give birth to him?

Because nobody dared fuck his mother

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A Man Comes Home To His Apartment To Find His Wife In Bed, Naked

Now, he's already suspected her of cheating for some time, and coming home to see his wife naked in her bed set him off like a bull.

"WHERE IS THAT FUCKER!!!!" He shouts at her, wildly scrambling around the room, looking in every hiding spot his mind can think of.

He suddenly runs out ...

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Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and Chuck Norris are sitting in a boat boat...

Arnold puts his finger in the air and states: “7,3km/h windspeed from 33° north-east“.
Stallone sticks out his tongue and says: “Exactly 20,87°C“.
Chuck Norris opens his trousers and sticks his dick in the water and says: “Exactly 12,609m deep“.

What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?

Hammer explodes because it is not worthy.

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?

He played the force.

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him

So he tracked down nothing and killed it

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My mates son got chucked out of school today for letting a girl wank him off in class. That's the 3rd school this year.

Maybe teaching's not for him.

“How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”

That’s what my friend, who is a renowned woodchuck expert, said when I asked him what most people ask him when they find out that he is a renowned woodchuck expert.

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Charles the duck was sitting by the muddy edge of the pond.

Suddenly a female duck fell out of the sky and landed head first into the mud with her rear sticking up. Another nearby duck, thinking he had won the lottery, quickly mounted the female, but she reared up and threw him off forcefully.

It was a Chuck duck cuck muck luck fuck buck.

Jesus maybe walked on water

But Chuck Norris swims on the ground.

How come there are so many Chuck Norris jokes but none about Clint Eastwood?

Clint Eastwood is no joke.

Chuck Norris isn't that tough...

If he was he'd come here and mash my face into my keyboarfnfjdjfhnjdfyxydbdhxhdhd

A farmer had three daughters.

All three daughters were going on their first date tonight. The farmer, being over protective of them, decided to greet each suitor at the door with a shotgun. The first boy comes up and introduces himself.

"Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to take Flo to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer...

I don't believe Chuck Norris is that great

Cuz if he was, he would show up right now, and slam my head all over my keasdhjaiosdcnhq09w8hjkoldq0i9 wdhj09qw daU9 10Q9WDJ09W3Q21JD QWD

My wife said I am giving all of the clothes I no longer wear to charity, I said just chuck them, she replied there are a lot of starving people in the world that can benefit from them, I replied.

Anyone that fits your clothes are definitely not starving.

Some kids pee their name in the snow.

Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.

I like my jokes like I like my Chuck E Cheese pizza.

Recycled.

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