UPJOKE
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What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

**Chuck Norris is so tough he counted to infinity. Twice.**

Chuck Norris, Zelensky, and God all walk into a bar.

The Bartender looks up, "Were were just about to start a new drinking game I've been working on. I call out a bragging point, and each one willing to meet it, chugs their drink. The last man standing due to matching every post and surviving every drink, gets the pot. Everyone else has to split the t...

Why are there no bridges named after Chuck Norris?

Nobody crosses Chuck Norris.

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Chuck Norris once

-injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.
They are now known as King Kong, Moby Dick, and Godzilla.

When chuck norris

Tells a joke about will smiths wife, will smith smacks himself

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At what age did Chuck Norris lose his virginity?

Trick question, Chick Norris never loses!

Chuck Norris’ wife accidentally kneed him in the groin while dancing

He asked her if her knee was ok

Before Chuck Norris goes sleep, he checks under his bed for Volodymyr Zelensky.

Tornadoes don't exist, Volodymyr Zelensky just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris jokes but instead of Chuck Norris it's Volodymyr Zelensky.

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Fuck Chuck Norris ..

If he is as strong and powerful as everyone states, I dare him to come to my house and bash my head in the keyboarddfrljkl;kjtpog496yasdfjknxirhsmfsjfigdjsyebxhsueyxbxjdobdbzhcvhsivdbdindgdyhdbisbdbdhbshhshsudjshgsidbbdhdydhdbksjdbdyyshdbuendheibdjdidn

What's the difference between Chuck E. Cheese and Russia?

One is a dark, dank hole, lead by a flea infested disease carrying incontinent rodent giving cheap prizes for worthless tokens.

The other sells pizza to children

Did you know Chuck Norris has a Grizzly Bear rug in his home?

The bear is not dead it is just too scared to move

A snake bit Chuck Norris

After many hours of excruciating pain, the snake died

A farmer had three daughters

And they all three had dates planned for this evening. The farmer got his shotgun out to clean as well for added intimidation for the gentlemen callers.
At 5PM there was a knock on the door, so the farmer answered it with his shotgun in tow.

A young man was standing in the stoop, and said,...

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Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity.

He got it back.

What is Jimmy McGill's favorite cut of meat?

Chuck roast.

Superman once challenged Chuck Norris to a fight

The loser had to wear his underwear over his clothes for the rest of his life

Why doesn’t Chuck Norris go on dates?

Nobody can take him out.

Chuck Norris sent Jesus a birthday card on Christmas Day.

It wasn't his actual birthday, but he wasn't going to tell Chuck Norris that.

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates..........

A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, "I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?" No. The second beau came to the door and said, "I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the...

A farmer has 3 daughters, each has a date lined up for the night.

The farmer waits on the front porch for the dates to arrive, shotgun on hand.


The first date shows up and says "Hello sir, I'm Eddy, I'm here for Betty, we're gonna go get some spaghetti, is she ready?". The farmer nods, and Eddy and Betty go on their way.


The next date sho...

What happens when you make a noise in Ninja Church?

The nun chucks you out.

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For my cake day I’ve decided to share my favourite cake recipe

I used to have trouble remembering how I did it, so this time I wrote it down while making it.

You’ll need 1 cup sugar, 1 tsp. baking powder, 1 cup water, 1 tsp. salt , 1 cup brown sugar, Lemon juice, 4 large eggs, Nuts, 1...bottle Vodka,2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to che...

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Chuck Norris . . .

. . . can butt-dial a rotary phone.

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Chuck Norris is always on top during sex

Because Chuck Norris never fucks up

Chuck Norris has been confirmed to be exposed to COVID-19

Virus has been quarantined for 14 days

I just saw that Chuck Yeager has died

...and then I heard it a few seconds later

Why doesn’t Chuck Norris tell jokes?

His punch lines are deadly.

Chuck Norris

They wanted to add Chuck Norris' face to Mount Rushmore, but the granite is not hard enough for his beard.

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Four guys are hanging out. One of them says, “Hey did you know 1 out of every 4 guys is gay?”

Larry says, “I hope it’s Chuck because he’s really cute.”

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They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper..

But it wouldn't take shit from anybody

To this day I still tell Chuck Norris jokes.

He’s a good friend of mine and enjoys a good joke.

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Chuck Norris injected his blood into a monkey, a fish, and a lizard.

These are now known as King Kong, Jaws, and Godzilla.

What every athlete says after winning: "First of all, I'd like to thank Chuck Norris for not competing."

Chuck can eat Chinese food with one chopstick.

Chuck threw a few rocks into the Pacific Ocean. These are now known as Ha...

When Chuck Norris gets suncream on his skin...

The sun is protected from him

Chuck Norris doesn't turn the water on for his shower...

He stares at it until it cries.

It's 1961 and Chuck knocks on his prom date's door.

Her dad opens it and invites him in.

"So, you're taking our Betty to her first prom?" he asks, sternly.

Chuck nervously stutters "y-yes sir."

"She'll be down in a sec. But let's have a chat while we wait."

Chuck slumps in the nearest chair, waiting for the inevitable tal...

Chuck Norris was dropped twice as a baby.

Once in Hiroshima and once in Nagasaki...

What did Chuck Norris say after calling 911?

What's your emergency?

Chuck Norris Joke

A priest, Jesus and Chuck Norris are on a sinking boat. Jesus starts to walk back to land. Chuck Norris does the same. The priest says "Lord, please let me walk on water", tries to walk but drowns. When Jesus and Chuck Norris got on land Jesus asked him "Shouldn't we have told him where the stones a...

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

 
 
 
 

Do you know where Chuck Norris stands on White Nationalists?

On their necks.

Chuck Norris can cut a slice of bread

.. in just one half.

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A fucking Chuck Norris joke I made when I was 7

What happens when Chuck Norris kicks the bucket?

He breaks a couple floors

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Chuck Norris once visited Virginia

Now it's called just "ia"

Chuck Norris mines crypto currency

by hand.

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."

Sylveste...

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A truck driver and his pet parrot are hauling a load of chickens

When all of a sudden he stops to pick up an attractive hitchhiker. He swings the door open and asks, "You want a lift?" She tells him "yes! Omg thank you!" As she starts to climb on in. When the parrot exclaims, "wanna fuck?" Which she stutters, "N-nnno." The parrot screeches, "No fuck! No ride!...

Chuck Norris was signing an autograph for a little boy

Chuck Norris was signing an autograph for a little boy.

"How old are you little boy?"

"I'm 5 years old"

Chuck Norris said, "When I was your age I was 7."

Metlife dropped the Peanuts gang because Peppermint Patty was going behind their back to negotiate with Charles Schwab.

Can't blame her though...she really likes to Talk To Chuck.

Chuck Norris passed 6 kidney stones.

Thanos used them in the Infinity Gauntlet.

A man walks into a bar…

A man walks into a bar after a long day at work.

He sits down at the bar and says, “G’day, mate. Just give us whatever is on tap.”

The bartender responds, “sure thing, mate.”

After having a couple drinks, the man starts to get a bit tipsy. But, seeing as it’s a Friday, he decide...

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people

Then the grenade exploded

Chuck Norris doesn't own a house.

He simply walks into random houses and people move.

How many nuns would a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?

none

Why did Chuck Norris cross the Road?

Well, the road wasn’t going to cross Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,

he turns the dark off.

The last time Chuck Norris surfed the internet...

...he finished it.

Chuck Norris once performed a table flip.

Ever since Atlantis is considered a myth.

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The Octopus

*A guy walks into a bar with an octopus.*

*He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He can play any musical instrument in the world. He hears everyone in the crowd laughing at him, so he says that he will wager $50 to anyone wh...

Ten years into the war, both sides ran out of bullets for their guns.

They decided to use bows and arrows instead.

But ten years later, still strong in the war, both sides ran out of arrows and flint. So both sides used swords and axes.

But a decade after that, both sides ran out of metal, and they had to resort to weapons made of wood, like bo- staffs ...

Chuck Norris caught COVID.

But then he felt bad, so he let it go.

What did Ryu and Ken find at Chuck-E-Cheese?

**HA TOKEN!**

**- - -**

(Street Fighter joke, but I know my fellow nerds lurk this sub)

This morning Chuck Norris was shot

Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees

Chuck Norris will be 80 in a few hours so post your best Chuck Norris Jokes in the comments!

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The cottage in the middle of the woods

An explorer was lost in the forest, and luckily came upon a cottage in a clearing. He knocked and an old Chinese man opened the door. The man was willing to let the explorer stay on one condition: he didn't approach his daughter or he would impose the three worst Chinese tortures upon him.

D...

What did Chuck Norris tell his father when he left for college?

“You’re the man of the house now”

Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.

Because all of his genes are dominant.

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Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.

He's used the same napkin since 1974.
He just scares the shit out of it.

What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?

The Three-Hole Punch...

One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.

That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250.

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
...

Stephen Sondheim, John Madden, and Betty White walk up to the Pearly Gates

And St. Peter says, "We're pretty full, so we're making people pass additional tests. I know this is going to sound weird, but God has been hanging out with Chuck Yeager this week, and he's only letting in people who have a connection to Jets." All three sets of eyes light up.

Sondheim step...

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Why doesn't Chuck Norris wear a coronavirus mask in public?

He does.
Because Chuck Norris isn't an asshole.

Chuck Norris wears a mask not because he has to protect himself from Corona Virus.

He wears it so Corona Virus can protect itself from him.

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?

By shaving with them.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower,

he only takes blood baths.

A farmer has four daughters named Betty, Mary, Flo, and Luck. who each have dates tonight.

He is overprotective about his daughters, and he fidgets with his shotgun a lot. He is also nervous about the boys coming to pick them up. He hears a knock on the door and opens it. There is standing one of the daughters dates.

The boy says,

"Hi my name is Teddy!

I'm here to pi...

The Peanuts gang goes to a WWE show, each one randomly picking a WWE legend from a hat to dress up as for the show. Linus: "I got John Cena!" Peppermint Patty: "I got Becky Lynch! Who'd you get, Chuck?"

Charlie Brown: "I got The Rock."

Does this sub take requests? Please share your favorite Chuck Norris joke!

They once named a street after Chuck Norris, but they had to change it. Nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives!

Chuck Norris and Superman fought once and placed a bet on the outcome. The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside!

What did Kuiil say when The Mandilorian told him that The Child (Baby Yoda) wanted to go to Chuck E. Cheese?

“I have token.”

Chuck Norris actually died 6 years ago.

...But the Grim Reaper still hasn't gotten up the courage to tell him.

Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty

And killed someone in Battlefield

One Friday Night Bob's four Teenage daughter were all going out on a dates.

Bob told his daughters, "As soon as your dates arrive I'll talk to them. If I don't like them, I'll shoot them."

The doorbell rang and bob answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who are you?" Bob asked. The boy said, "My name is Teddy. I am going steady with Betty. We are getting Spaghetti. Is ...

A Lumberjack Named Chuck is Working at a Mill

His job is to throw lumber down the chute to the saw that cuts them in half. One day, he's in a horrible accident, and loses both of his arms. Obviously he can't work, and fights tooth and nail with his union to get him the pay he would've received if he could work the rest of the year. They send a ...

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are reading a script at lunch...

It's for Stallone's new movie *The Composers*, about the descendants of famous European composers joining forces to fight terrorism. Stallone says he'll play Beethoven, "My theme will be ode to joy. But get this: Joy is the name of my shotgun."

"Nice," says Norris. "I'll be Mozart, and I'...

There was three guys and they decided to chuck something out of an aeroplane. The first guy dropped out a dagger. The second guy dropped out a boulder and the third guy dropped out a bomb. The first guy went home and he saw his dad crying in the yard and he asked his dad “what’s wrong?”

The dad says “a dagger fell out of the sky and hit my wife on the head and now she’s dead.

The second guy went home and it’s the same story, he asks his dad “what’s wrong?”

“A boulder fell out of the sky and hit my wife in the head and now she’s dead”

The third guy got home, a...

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing what to dress up as for the 80's Action Hero Costume Ball.

"I know", says Stallone, "Lets all go as famous composers. "I'll be Beethoven".

"I'll go as Mozart", says Chuck.

Schwarzenegger gets up and walks swiftly to the door. At the last second, he looks back and says,

"I'll be Bach"

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him

So he tracked down nothing and killed it

Did you hear ? Toby died while Chuck was laughing at him.

I probably think it was a manslaughter.

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My mates son got chucked out of school today for letting a girl wank him off in class. That's the 3rd school this year.

Maybe teaching's not for him.

So an English man, an American, an Asian, a blonde, Chuck Norris and Yo momma walk into a bar...

The barman asks...




Is this some kind of joke?

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?

He played the force.

Chuck Norris is a coward!

If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my keybakwue hr<awjd <akreu<an<awlkuhnc<a kjdqw;eoim

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.

Too bad he doesn’t cry.

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I chucked my phone into a very deep lake

Fucken thing's still synching.

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Why did Chuck Norris’ aunt give birth to him?

Because nobody dared fuck his mother

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Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and Chuck Norris are sitting in a boat boat...

Arnold puts his finger in the air and states: “7,3km/h windspeed from 33° north-east“.
Stallone sticks out his tongue and says: “Exactly 20,87°C“.
Chuck Norris opens his trousers and sticks his dick in the water and says: “Exactly 12,609m deep“.

Did you hear about the convent that was bought out by Converse?

They'll be making Nun Chucks

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat. They had to get to land, but had no oars.

Jesus starts walking across the water, and finally makes it safely to the other side.

Chuck joins Jesus, and walks safely across too.

The Irishman thought, if they can d...

What do you get when you tickle Chuck Norris?

Chuckle Norris.

What is your favorite Chuck Norris joke?

My Favorite,
When Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone he had three missed calls from Chuck Norris.

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