Chuck Norris Joke

A priest, Jesus and Chuck Norris are on a sinking boat. Jesus starts to walk back to land. Chuck Norris does the same. The priest says "Lord, please let me walk on water", tries to walk but drowns. When Jesus and Chuck Norris got on land Jesus asked him "Shouldn't we have told him where the stones a...

Chuck Norris caught Covid-19 yesterday

The virus is quarantined for two weeks

Chuck Norris once threw a grenade and killed 50 people

Then the grenade exploded

Chuck Norris was exposed to the Coronavirus.

The virus is now in quarantine for a month.

When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn’t turn the lights on,

he turns the dark off.

How many nuns would a nunchuck chuck if a nunchuck could chuck nuns?

none

Chuck Norris caught COVID.

But then he felt bad, so he let it go.

The Peanuts gang goes to a WWE show, each one randomly picking a WWE legend from a hat to dress up as for the show. Linus: "I got John Cena!" Peppermint Patty: "I got Becky Lynch! Who'd you get, Chuck?"

Charlie Brown: "I got The Rock."

When Chuck Norris smokes a joint

the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower,

he only takes blood baths.

One time Chuck Norris peed in the gas tank of a semi truck as a practical joke.

That truck is now known as Optimus Prime.

When Chuck Norris goes skydiving

the earth falls toward him...

Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?

He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.

Chuck Norris has a bear rug

No it's not dead it's just too scared to move

A Lumberjack Named Chuck is Working at a Mill

His job is to throw lumber down the chute to the saw that cuts them in half. One day, he's in a horrible accident, and loses both of his arms. Obviously he can't work, and fights tooth and nail with his union to get him the pay he would've received if he could work the rest of the year. They send a ...

When Chuck Norris goes scuba diving

He gives the water the bends

Chuck Norris can only have Chuck Norris as babies.

Because all of his genes are dominant.

Earlier today I was wondering if it was possible to abort Chuck Norris..

..then I realized he was aborted.

Chuck Norris wears a mask not because he has to protect himself from Corona Virus.

He wears it so Corona Virus can protect itself from him.

How does Chuck Norris sharpen his blades?

By shaving with them.

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are reading a script at lunch...

It's for Stallone's new movie *The Composers*, about the descendants of famous European composers joining forces to fight terrorism. Stallone says he'll play Beethoven, "My theme will be ode to joy. But get this: Joy is the name of my shotgun."

"Nice," says Norris. "I'll be Mozart, and I'...

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Why doesn't Chuck Norris wear a coronavirus mask in public?

He does.
Because Chuck Norris isn't an asshole.

Did you hear ? Toby died while Chuck was laughing at him.

I probably think it was a manslaughter.

Chuck Norris Caught CoronaVirus

The CoronaVirus is now hospitalized on ventilator support.

What's the one office supply you never want to ask Chuck Norris to give you?

The Three-Hole Punch...

Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane!

He pointed his finger at it and yelled “bang!”

Chuck Norris doesnt eat honey, he chews bees

Chuck Norris will be 80 in a few hours so post your best Chuck Norris Jokes in the comments!

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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

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Chuck Norris doesn't hoard toilet paper.

He's used the same napkin since 1974.
He just scares the shit out of it.

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I chucked my phone into a very deep lake

Fucken thing's still synching.

Does this sub take requests? Please share your favorite Chuck Norris joke!

They once named a street after Chuck Norris, but they had to change it. Nobody crosses Chuck Norris and lives!

Chuck Norris and Superman fought once and placed a bet on the outcome. The loser had to wear their underwear on the outside!

Why is an extremely anxious women a chuck?

Because the chick has passed tense.

Chuck Norris doesn't have a roof in his house

Cold and wind don't dare to come in

There once was a farmer whose five quintuplet teenage daughters were going on dates at the same time.

"As soon as your dates arrive," said the farmer, "I will talk to them personally. If I don't like them, I will shoot them."

Just then, a knock was heard at the door. The farmer answered the door, shotgun in hand. "Who is this?"

"My name's Teddy," said the boy. "I'm going steady with Be...

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger are sitting in a bar

Sylvester Stallone says, "Guys, we should make a movie with the three of us, but I'm all out of ideas at the moment, I'm kind of bored with the standard action flicks."

Chuck says, "Guys, I'm bored of doing action movies too and I've got some ideas but you may not like them."

Sylveste...

Chuck Norris just put up a new sign outside his house...

It says 'Welcome, Spanish Inquisition!'

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The Big Bang Theory

# Some Background Info

The TV show "The Big Bang Theory" was created by Chuck Lorre. At the end of each episode he inserted a one screen humorous comment.

While season 4 was being produced, the lead actress had a horseback riding accident unrelated to the show which caused her a broke...

Chuck Norris has a gun for breakfast...

...at ate a glock every morning.

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

 
 
 
 

Chuck Norris’ tears can cure you of the coronavirus.

Too bad he doesn’t cry.

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The Tale of Kevin Bopper

Back in high school there was this kid named Kevin Bopper. He was... strange, to say the least. He was that quiet kid with long, greasy, dandruff-ridden hair, a face full of acne, and wore a leather jacket- you know the type. The thing that made him stand out, however, was his weird fixation on traf...

Dad, why are there so many Chuck Norris jokes but no Bruce Lee jokes?

Dad: Because son, Bruce Lee was no joke.

It’s a little known fact that chuck Norris was dropped twice as a child

Once on Hiroshima and once on Nagasaki

This morning Chuck Norris was shot

Check the news, The bullet is in critical condition

When Chuck Norris was a baby, his mother called him Chuckie.

Once.

There was three guys and they decided to chuck something out of an aeroplane. The first guy dropped out a dagger. The second guy dropped out a boulder and the third guy dropped out a bomb. The first guy went home and he saw his dad crying in the yard and he asked his dad “what’s wrong?”

The dad says “a dagger fell out of the sky and hit my wife on the head and now she’s dead.

The second guy went home and it’s the same story, he asks his dad “what’s wrong?”

“A boulder fell out of the sky and hit my wife in the head and now she’s dead”

The third guy got home, a...

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Chuck Norris has been exposed to COVID-19 and has gone on record to his fans as saying "I'm going to kick the shit out of this thing."

After the quote, millions of people worldwide who fear they may be carrying the virus have begun hoarding toilet paper to await the inevitable.

Chuck Norris has died aged 79

But Death is too scared to let him know.

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Charles the duck was sitting by the muddy edge of the pond.

Suddenly a female duck fell out of the sky and landed head first into the mud with her rear sticking up. Another nearby duck, thinking he had won the lottery, quickly mounted the female, but she reared up and threw him off forcefully.

It was a Chuck duck cuck muck luck fuck buck.

Jesus maybe walked on water

But Chuck Norris swims on the ground.

When Chuck Norris moved out

his dad became the man of the house.

Chuck Norris is a coward!

If that sucker was so brave as people say he would show up here right now and smash my head against my keybakwue hr<awjd <akreu<an<awlkuhnc<a kjdqw;eoim

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat

Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris and an Irishman were on a boat. They had to get to land, but had no oars.

Jesus starts walking across the water, and finally makes it safely to the other side.

Chuck joins Jesus, and walks safely across too.

The Irishman thought, if they can d...

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A Man Comes Home To His Apartment To Find His Wife In Bed, Naked

Now, he's already suspected her of cheating for some time, and coming home to see his wife naked in her bed set him off like a bull.

"WHERE IS THAT FUCKER!!!!" He shouts at her, wildly scrambling around the room, looking in every hiding spot his mind can think of.

He suddenly runs out ...

What did Chuck Norris tell his father when he left for college?

“You’re the man of the house now”

Some kids pee their name in the snow.

Chuck Norris can pee his name into concrete.

So Chuck Norris is going to Area 51

We’re now 1.2 million infantrymen and 1 chuck norris strong. Our plan of attack is to send 400,000 from the east, 400,000 from the west, 400,000 from the south and Chuck Norris from the North.

Too dangerous

There *used* to be a street called "Chuck Norris".



They had to build a bridge, and finally rename the street. No one crossed Chuck Norris and lived.

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A guy asked me: Who is this Chuck Norris guy?

Well, in short: He build the house he was born in by his aunt because no one dared to screw his mom. In his youth he molested catholic priests after that he joined the army where He was a well known Kamikaze pilot for about 7 times. He made fire with a magnifying glass under water at night and coun...

Sylvester Stallone, Chuck Norris, and Arnold Schwarzenegger are discussing what to dress up as for the 80's Action Hero Costume Ball.

"I know", says Stallone, "Lets all go as famous composers. "I'll be Beethoven".

"I'll go as Mozart", says Chuck.

Schwarzenegger gets up and walks swiftly to the door. At the last second, he looks back and says,

"I'll be Bach"

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250.

A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chucks house and said, ‘Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.’

Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
...

Once Chuck Norris threw a knife in Call of Duty

And killed someone in Battlefield

So an English man, an American, an Asian, a blonde, Chuck Norris and Yo momma walk into a bar...

The barman asks...




Is this some kind of joke?

Chuck Norris passed 6 kidney stones...

Thanos used them in his Infinity Gauntlet.

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When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity,

he got it back!

Chuck Norris was bitten by the worlds most venemous snake.

After hours of excruciating pain and misery, the snake died.

A farmer had three daughters.

All three daughters were going on their first date tonight. The farmer, being over protective of them, decided to greet each suitor at the door with a shotgun. The first boy comes up and introduces himself.

"Hi, my name is Joe, I'm here to take Flo to the show, is she ready to go?" The farmer...

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck, assuming for purposes of argument that it is within the power of a woodchuck to chuck wood?

You woodn't believe it, but the woodchuck axeually started his own branch. Experts suggest he took the wrong root to success, however, sapping all growth from the market.

What happens when Chuck Norris lifts Thor Hammer?

Hammer explodes because it is not worthy.

Chuck E. Cheese has preempted any criticism from the Chinese Government and purchased PF Chang’s.

Their new name will be Chuck E. Chinese.

A farmer is expecting his 3 daughters dates to arrive, so he hears a knock on a door, decides to grab his shotgun for intimidation, and opens it.

The first date arrives and says,
“Hello there! My name is Lance, and I’m here to take Chance out to the dance.”

So, the farmer calls his daughter, Chance, and they go off together. The another knock is heard, so he answers it again, shotgun in hand.

“Hey there, it’s me, Dave, and I’...

Chuck Norris actually died 6 years ago.

...But the Grim Reaper still hasn't gotten up the courage to tell him.

“How much wood can a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?”

That’s what my friend, who is a renowned woodchuck expert, said when I asked him what most people ask him when they find out that he is a renowned woodchuck expert.

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Why did Chuck Norris’ aunt give birth to him?

Because nobody dared fuck his mother

Action hero fancy dress ball...

Arnold Schwarznegger, Sly Stallone & Chuck Norris are invited to a ball where they must all go in fancy dress.

They decide to go as classical composers, so they head to the store to buy their costumes for the ball.

When in the store, Sly says: 'I'll dress as Mozart'

Chuck Sa...

Did you know Chuck Norris was in every star wars movie?

He played the force.

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A group of soldiers are walking in the woods, lost and in need of shelter

After hours they stumble across an old shack, with smoke coming out of it. The leader goes inside to check and hopefully find someone who can help them. Inside is an old woman, all dirty. The man explains their situation and she makes a deal with him. She says: “I haven’t had a good fucking in a lon...

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Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone and Chuck Norris are sitting in a boat boat...

Arnold puts his finger in the air and states: “7,3km/h windspeed from 33° north-east“.
Stallone sticks out his tongue and says: “Exactly 20,87°C“.
Chuck Norris opens his trousers and sticks his dick in the water and says: “Exactly 12,609m deep“.

Chuck Norris isn't that tough...

If he was he'd come here and mash my face into my keyboarfnfjdjfhnjdfyxydbdhxhdhd

Chuck Norris once heard that nothing can kill him

So he tracked down nothing and killed it

A man walked into a bar packed full of mushrooms.

The man chucked to himself and said to the bartender “looks like there’s not mushroom here.”

The bartender looked at him in silence to which the man said “ I’m not usually a fungi.”

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My mates son got chucked out of school today for letting a girl wank him off in class. That's the 3rd school this year.

Maybe teaching's not for him.

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Joke from my southern grandmother

I haven’t seen this one on here before, but maybe I’ve just missed it. Here goes:

Back yonder in the olden days, little Johnny would have to walk to the school house for class. As with many young children, Johnny was very imaginative and would play pretend with sticks and branches, sword figh...

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A father has three daughters of dating age

One Saturday night, he hears a knock on the door. He answers to see a young man, who says, "Hi I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?"

The father nods and calls her down. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Joe. I'...

Chuck Norris once challenged Keanu Reeves to a fight.

Before Chuck could land a punch, Keanu put Chuck to sleep by treating him out to a nice dinner, a couple glasses of wine, and read him a bedtime story.

My wife said I am giving all of the clothes I no longer wear to charity, I said just chuck them, she replied there are a lot of starving people in the world that can benefit from them, I replied.

Anyone that fits your clothes are definitely not starving.

Sister: Did my brother come from heaven?

Mother: Yes.

Sister: Well, I don't blame the angels for chucking him out

I like my jokes like I like my Chuck E Cheese pizza.

Recycled.

An old protective father and his daughters who want dates

Jeremiah is your typical protective farmer and father. He has three daughters, all who’d like to date men but he has never allowed it. Now that they’re all above 18, he decides it’s time to allow them to go on their first dates.

As he sits on his porch, waiting, shotgun in hand around 7:00 PM...

Chuck Norris walks into a bar

The bar breaks in half

Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.

The black hole couldn't escape.

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