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Valentines Day Jokes

My wife just called me and said, "Three of the girls in the office have just received some flowers for Valentines Day. They are absolutely gorgeous!"

I repied, "That's probably why they've received flowers then."

My wife said she wanted to feel special this Valentines Day.

So I bought her a helmet and some crayons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did my taxes on Valentines Day

It was the only way I was getting fucked today.

Bought my wife a new belt and bag for Valentines day,

The vacuum works just fine now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Valentines Day is on Monday

Funerals usually take place on Saturday and Sunday. After the burial the flowers will still be fresh. What you do with this information is up to you.

For valentines day, I bought my girlfriend beads for abacus.

It's the little things that count.

My Valentines Day so far has been going like a fairy tale.

Grimm.

I always thought my wife nagged me less un February because of Valentines Day.

Turns out it's because it only has 28 days.

My Cake Day joke: I finally got a girlfriend for Valentines Day!!!

Her name is Rejection.

Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.

It’s February 14th.

What’s the one gift zoophiles can’t give their significant other of Valentines Day?

Chocolate

Had me a Barack Obama valentines day.

Obama self.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For a moment, i had a different opinion on 'Chinese girls'

This Valentines day, I asked a Chinese girl for her number.
She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex tonight!"
I said, "Wow!"
Then her friend said, "She means 666-3629."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nsfw My wife said we can do anal for Valentines Day

It made my day but made her hole weak!

I used to open so many cards on Valentines Day.

Eventually the post office fired me for it.

Something on Valentines Day I just don't get...

Laid.

What's the best part of Valentines Day?

The day after when all the chocolate goes on sale.

Picked up two HOT girls on valentines day ...

First time i ever had two HOT GIRLS at the same time.

I love driving for UBER.

I bought my girlfriend a pink vibrator for valentines day.

She told me as long as she has me she won't need it. I told her "actually that's what I'm here to talk about"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The #1 thing a guy wants for Valentines Day is Sex...

... And #2 is for his wife to not find out.

I’m not sure what this “Valentines Day” thing is...

Does it mean the day before “Half-Price-Chocolate Day?”

I received a bunch of flowers for valentines day, with the heads cut off

I think I was being stalked

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Happy Valentines Day From the UK.

Wishing you all a happy Valentines day from the UK.
also lovingly known as Steak and blowjob day.

or
For us Singles
Pornhub & Handjob Day

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For Valentines Day, I’m getting anal.

My husband is going to clean the kitchen MY way, no matter how clean he thinks it is.

Remember proper protection this valentines day

Ensure your safeword is at least 8 characters long and has a fair mix of uppercase, lowercase and digits

It's still Valentines day for another hour..

Roses are red
Violets are blue
No, they are violet
FTFY

Valentines Day Flowers

Blonde #1: Oh how I hate when he brings me flowers. All night I'll be on my back with my legs in the air.
Blonde #2: Don't you own a vase?

I am really struggling on what to get my girlfriend for Valentines Day.

I mean, I’d hate to get her the same thing as her Husband does. That would be embarrassing.

I love Valentines Day. The bottle of wine. The Heart-Shaped Ice Cream Cake...

Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching youtube videos.

Good times.

A brunette gets a bouquet of flowers for valentines day.

The other office women are admiring the flowers as they are delivered to her.

She then smirks and says to the crowd of women gathered around "I guess this means I will be spending the night with my legs in the air."

The blonde then says "Don't you have a vase?"

How do you kiss a girl on valentines day?

You use tulips.

Ill be spending this Valentines day like Han.

Solo.

I'm going to spend Valentines day with my ex

Box one 😭

i want to buy my girlfriend a present within 200$ on valentines day any suggestions?

i also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 200$

"My brother was telling me he received a Valentines day card today"

"Awe, he must've been thrilled. "

"No, not really, it was from his cell mate. "

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