In which regard is the USA better than Canada?

The USA has nicer neighbors.

Police in USA

They do breathtaking work

USA

The land of the free

Why didn’t USA switch from pounds to grams?

Because of mass outrage.

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data and the other is a hardware standard.

What's the difference between USA and North Korea

North korea cant tell if their leader is seriously dead and USA cant tell if their leader is dead serious.

IN USA we have a type of joke called

Donald Trump.

Did you know that in the USA you can't take a photo of a man with a prosthetic leg?

You need to use a camera.

The Soviet army is marching in Finland

They hear a voice from the other side of a hill, "one Finnish soldier is better than ten Soviet soldiers."

The Soviet general sends ten soldiers. There is some gunfire then everything is quiet again. The voice then says, "one Finnish soldier is better than one hundred Soviet soldiers."
...

What is next to USA

Answer: USB

The USA may still have a beauty pageant. The current projected winner?

Miss Information

Fortnite is like the USA

It used to be good and free, now it's neither.

A Russian, went to USA for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board: CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know this guy, he’s my cousin.

What’s the difference between USA and Middle Earth?

Two Towers

What's heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane ? (Substitute 'litre' for 'gallon' if reading outside of USA)

Water because butane is a lighter fluid

What starts with Co-, ends with -s, and has been a real scourge to the USA lately?

Congress.

I used to be elite back in my country, but then I moved to the USA

Now I'm just 1:37 PM

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Three Surgeons meet in a bar...

Three Surgeons meet in a bar and talk about their work. The first one says "I sew 2 fingers that were cut off back on a guys hand, and I did it so well that he still became a famous pianist". The second one says "Thats nothing, I sew a guys legs back to his torso and did it so well that he still was...

"A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN"...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't k...

Coronavirus arrives in the USA.

Mexico: So, about that wall......

What do you call COVID-19 in USA?

Covfefe

What did the back-then USA president commented about the USSR during a press conference at the mere start of the Cold War?

"If those reds wanna be commies, then **SO BE IT**"



My first actual english joke-pun, please don't be harsh xD

An Australian gets off the boat in 1930's dust bowl USA and wanders around the land a while.

The harbor master meets him at the shore and asked him...why are you here now?
Did you come here to die??
Naw mate... I came here yesterdie.

A plane with 4 passengers...

A plane with 4 passengers aboard is about to crash. The passengers are Donald Trump, Barack Obama, The Pope, and a 10 year old school boy. There are only 3 parachutes - the pope says he needs to sort out the Catholic Church so he grabs a chute and jumps. Trump shouts he has the greatest brain in the...

The USA’s greatest achievement wasn’t putting a man on the moon

It was putting a man on the moon and doing all the calculations in imperial units

The Trump Wall 2020 (original)

Since the USA is suffering from the COVID19 pandemic, the largest unemployment since the Great Depression and the country wide protesting, rioting and looting, The Mexican President calls Trump.
He says: OK, you win, the wall gets built, by us and we will pay for it! Just stay on your side.

What’s a question you can ask a fat hooker in both the USA and UK?

“How many pounds are you?”

I am really inspired by countries and companies that hire people with disabilities.

I am really inspired by countries and companies that hire people with disabilities.

Even people with learning disabilities and mental issues are able to get a job and make a living.

A great example of this excellent trait is the USA, where a disabled man is the president.

Congratulations USA

Zero school shootings so far this year.

2 Chinese in USA

One day 2 Chinese with broken English goes to America. When they arrive they go to a small place to eat. When they look at the menu they see “hot dog” but since their English is bad, they think its literally a roasted dog and they order it. When it comes they both get suprised and one of them asks...

Brazil has half the number of guns in comparison to the USA but twice the number of deaths by gunshot, you know what that means?

That Brazilians have a great aim.

The best phone call

Donald Trump, Boris Johnson and Vladimir Putin all died and go to hell.

On arrival, they see a red phone and ask what the phone is for.

The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished, the Devil informs...

Nobody knew about Soleimani in USA before he was killed.

You could say he blew up overnight.

Fu, Bu and Chu are three Chinese men.

One day, they decided to move to the USA.
They also decided to change their names, as to not be discriminated against.
Chu changed his name to Chuck.
Bu changed his name to Buck.
And Fu decided to go back to China.

Did you hear silicon valley is seceding from the USA?

Theyre forming the USB

Why are there no knock knock jokes about the USA?

Because Freedom rings

How Moral Are You?

This takes less than one minute and is incredibly accurate…well worth the little bit of effort I promise.

This test has only one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely and completely f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pro Tip: Make sure it says "Made in the USA" on your bottle of Viagra...

If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections.

New York has the most lawyers in the USA. New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps in the USA. Why is this so?

New Jersey had first choice.

How can you tell the uzi wasn't made in the usa

If it was it would've been a BigMac

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A Chinese man moves to USA after having lived 50 years in a small Chinese province

He bought a home on a small piece of land.

The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.

He goes next door
but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt thes...

Why is it impossible to find decent poutine in the USA?

Because they left the curds to rot.

A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.

He found love, got married and had a son.

The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons.

Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden.

After a lot of grief, the man ...

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I met a guy in Japan once, and we struck up a conversation. He seemed upset about something, so I asked what was wrong.

He said that due to lack of funding, the origami elective at his school had folded.

Country joke #3- Japan. My next one will be about the USA.

What was so wrong with USA...

...that they had to go and make USB?

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

Green,pink and yellow

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says "Sorry, you know the law, you've got to go back across the border right now." The Mexican man pleads with them, "No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!" The Border Patrol Ag...

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

In the USA, before walking in the bathroom you’re an American, and when you walk out of the bathroom you’re an American. What are you when you’re inside?

European.

In the USA you can bear arms

In mother Russia we arm bears

USA should have 53 states so that it's indivisible, they say

... until they remember that it's still divisible by itself

What’s the difference between the USA and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

What celebrities in both China and USA have one thing in common

Afraid of criticizing Chinese government and like to criticize US government.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, ...

What do you get when you play "Born in the USA" backwards ?

Back in the USSR

USA: "Trump won the presidency!"

UK: "Hold my tea."

ahhh, the negotiator

usa: knock knock


Iran: who's there


usa: door mom


Iran: door mom who


usa: I've come to bargain.

What's the difference between GDR and USA?

The GDR had to built a wall to let no one out and the USA wants to build a wall to let no one in :)

Who knew that all it took was one bat from China...

... to completely eradicate the USA's school shooting problem!

Why did France give the Statue of Liberty to the USA?

Because the French had no use for a statue with only one hand in the air.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black man from the USA, 200 cm tall, enters a coffee shop in Ukraine.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. An Ukrainian, 210 cm tall, enters the tavern, sits across the American and orders vodka.

The American, wanting to look superior, takes his whiskey and drinks it all at once.

So then the Ukrainian wanted to show that he can do it too, so he takes his v...

How do you make the USA enter a World War?

Tell them it's almost over.

TIL: In the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”, the scene involving people migrating illegally into Mexico involve dozens of extras actually crossing from the USA into Mexico over the Rio Grande

Fortunately, all 1673 of them safely made it back to the US side without issue.

Beach Boys: If everybody had an ocean across the USA, then everybody'd be surfin’ like California.

Climate change scientist: You're missing the point, Boys.

Did you hear cheese companies stopped packaging pre shredded cheese in the USA?

We need to Make America Grate Again

Why is Mexico so bad in the olympics?

Because anyone who can run, jump, or swim is already in the USA.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

War - Canada vs. USA

Newfoundland, Canada, declares war on the U.S.A!!!

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to ...

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

A Chinese and a USA general debate on who's army is better taken care of..

"Our army is well fed. They're getting 1000 calories in meals every day!", says the Chinese general.


The USA general thinks for a second and replies: "Our soldiers receive over 4000 calories daily!"


"That's impossible," the Chinese general scoffs, "Who could possibly eat half a...

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies,

You'd almost think the whole country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

What is the difference between India and USA?

An Indian would introduce himself as,"I grew up with 5 brothers and 3 sisters".

An American would say, "I grew up with 5 mothers and 3 fathers".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Usas government noticed that their army has too many generals.

So they decided to call over every over 60-year old general to the Pentagon for retirement. The government decided to measure the amount of money to the severance pay by measuring the length between two different body parts. The generals would get 10000$ for every centimeter.

The first genera...

If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in USA ..

He will be rolling in his grave

While the pope was visiting the USA,

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the ...

Tony and Rose

Tony’s on his death bed, taking his last breaths.

Rose, his wife of forty years sits by his side.

Tony calls her over and says, “Rose, after forty years, on my death bed, I have finally learned what you are to me!”

Rose replies, “What, my love?”

Tony goes on, “When we met...

USA is so lucky.

Wherever they start fighting terrorism, they manage to find oil reserves.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade...

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some
American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me
Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who
had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by
t...

Trump Keeps claiming that climate change is a hoax and that his administration has done the most for global warming, and that the USA is getting colder

But that’s because he doesn’t understand what the media means when they say:

“Donald Trump is the most **Polarizing** President America has had since Nixon.”

Who is the most famous soccer player from USA?

Ronaldo McDonaldo

Did you hear the Russians have began funding and creating technology to compromise and undermine the USA’s recent Central American initiatives?

They have created a ladder

How to prevent World War III.

Make Gabe Newell the president of the USA.

The difference between politics in the USA and Ukraine is

It's improv in the US.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We all know that if you assume in the USA it makes and ass out of u and me. But what does assuming do in China?

Makes an ass out of u and Ming

Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad...

I think its time for USB.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wasn’t Jesus born in the USA?

Because they couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

In the USA we use the dollar as money. In Russia,

There is no money.

Smash Bros Ultimate sold just over 5 million copies in USA.

Didn't knew so many people live in Alabama.

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