The UN decided to do a worldwide survey...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, ...

Why are there no knock knock jokes about the USA?

Because Freedom rings

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pro Tip: Make sure it says "Made in the USA" on your bottle of Viagra...

If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections.

A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.

He found love, got married and had a son.

The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons.

Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden.

After a lot of grief, the man ...

What do you get when you play "Born in the USA" backwards ?

Back in the USSR

USA: "Trump won the presidency!"

UK: "Hold my tea."

How do you make the USA enter a World War?

Tell them it's almost over.

Congratulations USA

Zero school shootings so far this year.

What was so wrong with USA...

...that they had to go and make USB?

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

Sureño gang members are probably the most literate of criminal gangs in the USA

They're always talking about essays

A Chinese and a USA general debate on who's army is better taken care of..

"Our army is well fed. They're getting 1000 calories in meals every day!", says the Chinese general.


The USA general thinks for a second and replies: "Our soldiers receive over 4000 calories daily!"


"That's impossible," the Chinese general scoffs, "Who could possibly eat half a...

In the USA you can bear arms

In mother Russia we arm bears

Did you hear cheese companies stopped packaging pre shredded cheese in the USA?

We need to Make America Grate Again

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A black man from the USA, 200 cm tall, enters a coffee shop in Ukraine.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. An Ukrainian, 210 cm tall, enters the tavern, sits across the American and orders vodka.

The American, wanting to look superior, takes his whiskey and drinks it all at once.

So then the Ukrainian wanted to show that he can do it too, so he takes his v...

What’s the difference between the USA and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

Trump Keeps claiming that climate change is a hoax and that his administration has done the most for global warming, and that the USA is getting colder

But that’s because he doesn’t understand what the media means when they say:

“Donald Trump is the most **Polarizing** President America has had since Nixon.”

The difference between politics in the USA and Ukraine is

It's improv in the US.

Smash Bros Ultimate sold just over 5 million copies in USA.

Didn't knew so many people live in Alabama.

Who is the most famous soccer player from USA?

Ronaldo McDonaldo

USA is so lucky.

Wherever they start fighting terrorism, they manage to find oil reserves.

One Marine is better than...

A large group of Isis fighters in Iraq are moving down a road when they hear a voice call from behind a sand dune:
"One Marine is better than ten Isis fighters".

The Isis commander quickly orders 10 of best men over the dune where a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

We all know that if you assume in the USA it makes and ass out of u and me. But what does assuming do in China?

Makes an ass out of u and Ming

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA?

Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

Why did France give the Statue of Liberty to the USA?

Because the French had no use for a statue with only one hand in the air.

What is the difference between India and USA?

An Indian would introduce himself as,"I grew up with 5 brothers and 3 sisters".

An American would say, "I grew up with 5 mothers and 3 fathers".

The pope visits the USA

On his arrival at the airport there is a big limousine waiting for him, he gets in and they drive off. After a while the pope confesses to the driver: "I am a big limousine fan and always wanted to drive one, do you think we can switch and you let me drive for a while?" The driver feels like he can...

In the USA we use the dollar as money. In Russia,

There is no money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

War - Canada vs. USA

Newfoundland, Canada, declares war on the U.S.A!!!

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, ...

Did you hear the Russians have began funding and creating technology to compromise and undermine the USA’s recent Central American initiatives?

They have created a ladder

If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in USA ..

He will be rolling in his grave

The last four presidents of the USA each ran one mile.

Trump made a time of 11:56

Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31

Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03

But Bush did 9:11

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was the first day of a school in USA and a...

...and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick H...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

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The Usas government noticed that their army has too many generals.

So they decided to call over every over 60-year old general to the Pentagon for retirement. The government decided to measure the amount of money to the severance pay by measuring the length between two different body parts. The generals would get 10000$ for every centimeter.

The first genera...

The 3 main difference between the UK and the USA

In the UK it's football. In the USA it's soccer.
In the UK it's Colour. In the USA it's Color.
In the UK it's School. In the USA it's shooting range.

While the pope was visiting the USA,

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the ...

The Secret Service is the worst agency in the USA.

Everybody's heard of them.

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In the USA a dogs go "woof woof", in Japan dogs go "wan wan", and in China dogs go

"Sizzle sizzle"

Why did Russia nuke USA?

Because Trump spelled "nudes" wrong.

Autocorrect...

The First Text Message

Dear John, this is Alan next door. I am sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling you in text as I can’t l...

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies,

You'd almost think the whole country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

An American guy is talking with European in some bar in USA.

The American guy is saying: "I heard you have now some problems with immigrants in Europe."

An American Indian bends from the next table and says: "Pay attention to that, we heavily underestimated that once"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Usa, North Korea, and your boobs have in common?

They all deserve to be in better hands.

How is it, that the capital city of USA is also the place of most successful laundry bussines?

Because they're washing tons.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How Canada was named

So it's the year of 1865, and The British Empire has just birthed a new nation. The birth was a regular vaginal birth, and to the relief of everyone, it was much less complicated then the one in 1776. Anyways, now it was time to give name for the new born nation. The British Empire tired from the la...

What did Canada say to the USA?

High.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I‘m European and have a quick question since I‘m about to leave for vacation in the USA. My phonecharger won‘t fit into a wall outlet there.

Do I need an adapter for my buttplugs too?

I used to think the USA stood first and foremost for freedom and equality...

Turns out it stands for United States of America


ALTERNATE JOKE:

I used to think the USA stood first and foremost for freedom and equality...

Turns out that was my imagine nation

The leaders of the USA, UK and Germany leaders are on a plane

With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY"...

Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad...

I think its time for USB.

Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team?

Because everyone who can run jump and swim is already in the USA

The USA condemns

unprovoked invasion of a sovereign nation.

Letter to the IRS

## Letter to the IRS – Oh, if only paying our federal income tax were actually this easy …

Attn: IRS

Enclosed is my current tax return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see the Pentagon is paying $171....

Three chinese men applied for citizenship in USA

They were accepted on the condition that they changed their names.

Bu became Buck.

Chu became Chuck.

And Fu went back to China.

A man in USA sees a dog attacking a girl!

A man in USA sees a dog attacking a girl!
He kicks the dog, it dies!
Newspapers report
"LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM DOG"

Man says i'm not American
Report changed
"Foreign Hero Saves girl from Dog"

Man says:
Actually I'm Pakistani
Breaking News:
"Terrorist killed ...

There was freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in USA

You can stand in front of the White House and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
Equally, you can also stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.

What's the difference between the USA and a bird?

On a bird, the left wing and the right wing work together to benefit the whole bird.

An off duty law enforcement officer is walking down a street in the USA...

and notices that an escaped rabid dog (on the illegal breed list) is on a rampage attacking shop fronts, with people panicking all over the place. This dog is very clearly about to attack a defenceless infant in a stroller.

Thinking quickly, the man pulls out his firearm and puts the dog down...

I put a picture of the USA in a heart locket to celebrate the 4th of July...

Now it is truly independent

How do you call a walking stick from the USA?

Americane

Why isn't USA playing the world cup?

They don't want to get into another cold VAR situation in Russia

3 Chinese Immigrants

Lee Bu, Chan Chu and Fred Fu immigrated to the USA. They decided in order to become Americans, they need to americanize their last names.

Lee Bu changed his last name to Bucks.

Chan Chu changed his last name to Chucks.

Fred Fu left the USA to Canada after becoming the laughing...

math class

Somewhere in middle east.


Teacher : You have 100 barrels of oil, USA force you to give them 50 barrels, how much barrels do you left?

Student : 0

Teacher : I don't think you know math.


Student : I don't think you know America.

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