How can you tell the uzi wasn't made in the usa

If it was it would've been a BigMac

Why is it impossible to find decent poutine in the USA?

Because they left the curds to rot.

USA should have 53 states so that it's indivisible, they say

... until they remember that it's still divisible by itself

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A Chinese man moves to USA after having lived 50 years in a small Chinese province

He bought a home on a small piece of land.

The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy.

He goes next door
but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt thes...

New York has the most lawyers in the USA. New Jersey has the most toxic waste dumps in the USA. Why is this so?

New Jersey had first choice.

Why are there no knock knock jokes about the USA?

Because Freedom rings

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

What celebrities in both China and USA have one thing in common

Afraid of criticizing Chinese government and like to criticize US government.

Congratulations USA

Zero school shootings so far this year.

A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.

He found love, got married and had a son.

The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons.

Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden.

After a lot of grief, the man ...

What was so wrong with USA...

...that they had to go and make USB?

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Pro Tip: Make sure it says "Made in the USA" on your bottle of Viagra...

If it says "Made in Moscow", you will run the risk of the Russians meddling in your erections.

In the USA, before walking in the bathroom you’re an American, and when you walk out of the bathroom you’re an American. What are you when you’re inside?

European.

What do you get when you play "Born in the USA" backwards ?

Back in the USSR

USA: "Trump won the presidency!"

UK: "Hold my tea."

TIL: In the movie “The Day After Tomorrow”, the scene involving people migrating illegally into Mexico involve dozens of extras actually crossing from the USA into Mexico over the Rio Grande

Fortunately, all 1673 of them safely made it back to the US side without issue.

There were only two open minded presidents in the history of the USA.

Honest Abe and JFK.

How do you make the USA enter a World War?

Tell them it's almost over.

Beach Boys: If everybody had an ocean across the USA, then everybody'd be surfin’ like California.

Climate change scientist: You're missing the point, Boys.

How to prevent World War III.

Make Gabe Newell the president of the USA.

What's the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey and the only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.<...

In the USA you can bear arms

In mother Russia we arm bears

Bush Jr., Obama, and Trump are standing before God...

God begins by asking Bush: "George, in what do you believe?"

Bush: "I believe in free trade and the USA as a strong nation".

God, seemingly impressed: "You may sit to my right".

Then God looks at Obama and asks "Barack, in what do you believe?".

Obama: "I believe in democ...

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

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A black man from the USA, 200 cm tall, enters a coffee shop in Ukraine.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. An Ukrainian, 210 cm tall, enters the tavern, sits across the American and orders vodka.

The American, wanting to look superior, takes his whiskey and drinks it all at once.

So then the Ukrainian wanted to show that he can do it too, so he takes his v...

Did you hear cheese companies stopped packaging pre shredded cheese in the USA?

We need to Make America Grate Again

July 2nd, 1776

South America : Hey USA, you free tomorrow night?

USA : ‘Fraid not mate, I can do the night after though.

What’s the difference between the USA and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it develops a culture.

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Trump Trumps Queen

Trump met the Queen of England in her palace
Trump: "Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to prevent slow down in economy ?"

"Well," said the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the pe...

A Chinese and a USA general debate on who's army is better taken care of..

"Our army is well fed. They're getting 1000 calories in meals every day!", says the Chinese general.


The USA general thinks for a second and replies: "Our soldiers receive over 4000 calories daily!"


"That's impossible," the Chinese general scoffs, "Who could possibly eat half a...

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Three tourists board a taxi at LAX

One is German, one is Italian, the other is Japanese. En route to their accommodation, a Porsche speeds past the taxi, prompting the German to brag 'Porsche, very fast. Made in Germany'.


A few miles later, a Lamborghini speed past, prompting the Italian to brag 'Lamborghini, very fast. ...

Trump Keeps claiming that climate change is a hoax and that his administration has done the most for global warming, and that the USA is getting colder

But that’s because he doesn’t understand what the media means when they say:

“Donald Trump is the most **Polarizing** President America has had since Nixon.”

Why did France give the Statue of Liberty to the USA?

Because the French had no use for a statue with only one hand in the air.

What's the most powerful country after USA ?

USB.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, ...

USA is so lucky.

Wherever they start fighting terrorism, they manage to find oil reserves.

The difference between politics in the USA and Ukraine is

It's improv in the US.

5 people are in a plane

The president of the USA. The pilot, the worlds smartest man, a grandfather and his grandson

There is a malfunction in the plane and everyone has to get out but, there are 4 parachutes and 5 people.

The pilot says, “ I’m the pilot, I should get to go.” So he takes a parachute and jump...

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We all know that if you assume in the USA it makes and ass out of u and me. But what does assuming do in China?

Makes an ass out of u and Ming

Smash Bros Ultimate sold just over 5 million copies in USA.

Didn't knew so many people live in Alabama.

Who is the most famous soccer player from USA?

Ronaldo McDonaldo

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War - Canada vs. USA

Newfoundland, Canada, declares war on the U.S.A!!!

President Trump was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.

"Hallo, President Trump, " a heavily accented voice said. "This is
Archie, up ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger's Cove, Newfoundland, Canada, eh?
I am callin' to ...

What is the difference between India and USA?

An Indian would introduce himself as,"I grew up with 5 brothers and 3 sisters".

An American would say, "I grew up with 5 mothers and 3 fathers".

If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in USA ..

He will be rolling in his grave

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

The last four presidents of the USA each ran one mile.

Trump made a time of 11:56

Clinton was slightly faster, timing at 11:31

Obama was very fast, he ran a 10:03

But Bush did 9:11

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The Usas government noticed that their army has too many generals.

So they decided to call over every over 60-year old general to the Pentagon for retirement. The government decided to measure the amount of money to the severance pay by measuring the length between two different body parts. The generals would get 10000$ for every centimeter.

The first genera...

Did you hear the Russians have began funding and creating technology to compromise and undermine the USA’s recent Central American initiatives?

They have created a ladder

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How Canada was named

So it's the year of 1865, and The British Empire has just birthed a new nation. The birth was a regular vaginal birth, and to the relief of everyone, it was much less complicated then the one in 1776. Anyways, now it was time to give name for the new born nation. The British Empire tired from the la...

While the pope was visiting the USA,

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the ...

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It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up: 'Patrick Henry, 1775,' he said.

'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, f...

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies,

You'd almost think the whole country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

Why doesn't Mexico have an olympic team?

Because everyone who can run jump and swim is already in the USA

The 3 main difference between the UK and the USA

In the UK it's football. In the USA it's soccer.
In the UK it's Colour. In the USA it's Color.
In the UK it's School. In the USA it's shooting range.

The pope visits the USA

On his arrival at the airport there is a big limousine waiting for him, he gets in and they drive off. After a while the pope confesses to the driver: "I am a big limousine fan and always wanted to drive one, do you think we can switch and you let me drive for a while?" The driver feels like he can...

Why did Russia nuke USA?

Because Trump spelled "nudes" wrong.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wasn’t Jesus born in the USA?

Because they couldn’t find three wise men and a virgin.

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In the USA a dogs go "woof woof", in Japan dogs go "wan wan", and in China dogs go

"Sizzle sizzle"

The Secret Service is the worst agency in the USA.

Everybody's heard of them.

Letter to the IRS

## Letter to the IRS – Oh, if only paying our federal income tax were actually this easy …

Attn: IRS

Enclosed is my current tax return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see the Pentagon is paying $171....

An American guy is talking with European in some bar in USA.

The American guy is saying: "I heard you have now some problems with immigrants in Europe."

An American Indian bends from the next table and says: "Pay attention to that, we heavily underestimated that once"

Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad...

I think its time for USB.

There was a contest in high jumps in pool

(small explaantion before joke start - in my contry Bosnian man are usually laughing stock )

There was a contest in high jumps in pool!

Winner will be the one who disturbs less water in pool and fewer drops of water get out of the pool.

Three man applied - man from USA, man from...

math class

Somewhere in middle east.


Teacher : You have 100 barrels of oil, USA force you to give them 50 barrels, how much barrels do you left?

Student : 0

Teacher : I don't think you know math.


Student : I don't think you know America.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do Usa, North Korea, and your boobs have in common?

They all deserve to be in better hands.

The leaders of the USA, UK and Germany leaders are on a plane

With their assistants when the pilot gives them a warning about too much weight on the plane and some people would need to jump from the plane to prevent it from fall. The assistants decide to jump to save their countries. First came the German assistant, with a German flag. He screams "FOR GERMANY"...

Obama, Queen Elizabeth and Vladimir Putin all died and, as former world leaders, were being given a tour of hell

While there, they saw a red phone and asked what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Qu...

How is it, that the capital city of USA is also the place of most successful laundry bussines?

Because they're washing tons.

I used to think the USA stood first and foremost for freedom and equality...

Turns out it stands for United States of America


ALTERNATE JOKE:

I used to think the USA stood first and foremost for freedom and equality...

Turns out that was my imagine nation

A man in USA sees a dog attacking a girl!

A man in USA sees a dog attacking a girl!
He kicks the dog, it dies!
Newspapers report
"LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM DOG"

Man says i'm not American
Report changed
"Foreign Hero Saves girl from Dog"

Man says:
Actually I'm Pakistani
Breaking News:
"Terrorist killed ...

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.

The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.

The ma...

How do you spell the color that is an equal mix of white and black?

USA: Gray

Britain: Grey

Canada: Grehy

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Communism is a timeless dream

So one night I was having a weird dream. I was transported into a communist USA, and everything looked completely different. I lost an item important to me that kept track of time with sand and saw someone across the street that had it.

I told him, “ Sir, that is my glass”.
<...

What's the difference between the USA and a bird?

On a bird, the left wing and the right wing work together to benefit the whole bird.

A middle aged couple on vacation

In the coldest months of winter a middle aged couple from the north of USA , had missed the summer so much they decided to go to Florida , and stay in the same hotel they spent their honeymoon 20 years ago.

The husband had a longer holiday so he decide he would go a day earlier to surprise hi...

There was freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in USA

You can stand in front of the White House and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
Equally, you can also stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.

How do you call a walking stick from the USA?

Americane

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The Scotsman's first baseball game

An Scotsman moves to the USA & finally attends his first baseball game.

The first batter approached the batters box, took a few swings and then hit a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming "Run," "Run."

The next batter hit a single & the Scotsman listened as the crowd aga...

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The Nigerian king

Agnes, a middle-aged New York widow is feeling very lonely one day, so she decides to bite the bullet and try internet dating. Her initial attempts don't go very well, as most of the contact she receives varies from dick pics to guys asking for nudes. She's about to give up when one day she's contac...

Nervous wreck

Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him. The guy was an emotional wreck, pale hands shaking in fear.


"What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.


"No, it's not that. I've been transferred to Chicag...

I put a picture of the USA in a heart locket to celebrate the 4th of July...

Now it is truly independent

How would you rate USA and Saudi Arabia's relationship?

9/11

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Golf pro returns home

Back in the sixties an Irish golfer makes it big in the USA and becomes a millionaire. Wanting to celebrate his success he arranges for a trip back to his lovely green Isle and since he's also a bit of a braggard, he pays to have his very flashy Buick convertible sent back with him on a ship.
...

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