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Usa Jokes

What's the difference between a yogurt and The USA ?

If you leave the yogurt alone for 200 years, it develops a culture



Edit : didn't think i'd have to do this but here we go.

This is a Joke subreddit, this is a joke.

What is the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to your computer and accesses all your data. The other is an industry standard.

What will the USA be called if it spilt into 2?

USA and USB

As an American, it makes me so sad to see that nothing is made in the USA anymore.

I just bought this new TV and it says “Built-in Antenna.” I don’t even know where that is.

What’s the difference between Brazil and the USA?

About 1500 arrests within 48 hours of an attempted coup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Indian student in USA

It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said: "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except for Ch...

Why can’t the Uk and the USA play chess anymore?

Because one lost its queen and the other lost its two towers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl

A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well.
One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, ...

Miss USA

The Sociology professor was explaining how society's ideals of beauty change
with time.

"For example," he said, "take the 1921 Miss America. She stood five foot,
one inch tall, weighed 108 pounds and had measurements of 30-25-32. How do
you think she'd do in today's ve...

2 foreign immigrants have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other,

''"I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she s...

It's a shame nothing is built in the USA anymore...

I just bought a TV & it said "Built in Antenna". I don't even know where that is.

Congratulations USA

Zero school shootings so far this year.

Why is the USA like a horoscope?

Because it's always telling everyone else what to do, and it's nearly always wrong.

When Jim returned from a trip to the Southwestern USA

He noted to a fellow train buff how he loved the way the Sante Fe engines were painted. Someone overheard and exclaimed “THEY ARE KNOWN AS NATIVE AMERICANS!!!”

Internet is Vastly different in UK than the USA

they don't use cookies, they use biscuits.

USA Medicine

My father-in-law had prostate surgery.

We brought him to the hospital at 7:30 a.m., and he was operated on at eight.

We were amazed when the hospital called at noon to tell us he could go home.

Two months later our beagle, Bo, also had prostate surgery.

When I brought...

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Two people from Japan meet each other at a tourist attraction in the USA.

"Where will you be going next?" asks the first person.
"Ohio," says the second.
"Good morning to you too, but that didn't answer my question," says the first person.

The USA is having so many disasters and tragedies,

You'd almost think the whole country was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

Looking forward to Iran vs USA in the World Cup. A bunch of semi-literate religious fundamentalists stuck in the 19th century.

But I think Iran can probably beat them

I heard USA today just won a Pulitzer

"Best investigative paragraph"

Guys, the USA is looking pretty bad...

I think its time for USB.

If you live on the west coast of the USA right near the factory that makes diet pizza pockets, and you eat one

Then that is a local lo-cal Cal-zone calzone.

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up

A Russian, visiting the USA, went for an eye check up.

The Doctor shows the letters on the board:
CZWXNQSTAZKY

Doctor: Can you read this ?

Russian: Read ??? I even know the guy, he's my cousin.

Difference between Russia and USA

In Russia they use breathalyzers to check for minimum blood alcohol content

A European is visiting USA

and an American says "hey, your foot... "

European cuts him midway "oh you Americans and your lack of knowledge of the units whole world uses. It's not foot, it's meter"

American says "your meter is bleeding"

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Make sure your viagra says "Made in the USA"...

We don't want Russia meddling in our erections.

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Why wasn't Jesus born in the USA?

Because God couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

It was Halloween in a southern town in the USA.

A Boy wanted to wear a costume for Halloween but he didn't own any so he went to his Mother to ask her to go shopping in order to get one. But her mother said, "Oh I think your Father had a ghost costume at home, let me get it!" She later returned and put the costume on the Boy. The Boy said, "The c...

USA is #1….

That’s its country code when dialing internationally.

While the pope was visiting the USA,

While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.
They were traveling down the ...

Taxation of captured Russian tanks in USA

Regarding tax treatment of Russian tanks entering USA:

Please be aware that any Russian tanks entering USA are subject to A-10 accelerated depreciation.

British guy immigrates to USA

chatting with his girlfriend (now in distance), she asks him how he finds his new place

"not bad",he answers "but the neighborhood is missing u"

Why are there no knock knock jokes about the USA?

Because Freedom rings

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A luxury airplane is flying over Europe, carrying five passengers: representatives from England, Japan, USA, Canada, and Russia.

The pilot emerges from the cockpit, interrupting their conversation. "Slowly but surely, we are falling. I will attempt to crash-land as smoothly as possible, but I urge you to jump out with a parachute."

After briefly explaining how to use the parachutes, the pilot goes back to the controls....

What’s the most expensive haircut in the USA?

Chemotherapy

What’s the difference between USA and Middle Earth?

Two Towers

In WWII, Hungary had finally declared war on the USA. An envoy is sent to the US embassy, where they handed over the formal declaration, after which the following conversation took place:

\- What is your form of government?

\-Kingdom.

\-Who's your king?

\- We don't have a king, but a regent.

\- Okay, then who's the regent?

\- Admiral Miklós Horthy.

\- Admiral? So do you have access to the ocean?

\- No.

\- Okay. Do you...

A coin leaves the USSR to go to the USA

Its a metal-defector

I just figured out why USA is about to ban abortion (dark)

That's to have more targets for their school shootings

Thomas the Tank Engine's friend Fernando, who does the Mexico route was caught on dash cam video accelerating instead of braking for a stuck church van full of disabled children while yelling obscenities and screaming USA USA

When asked about his reasons for such carnage he said he's just loco and those are loco motives.

(Made it up with my son)

What's the main similarity between an elementary school math class and the USA?

The class divides.

A Muslim man came to the USA many years ago.

He found love, got married and had a son.

The son eventually graduated University, found a wife, got married and moved away for job reasons.

Unfortunately, one day the old man's wife passes away, leaving him alone in his house with a huge garden.

After a lot of grief, the man ...

The Russian president is on a visit to the USA.

So he is taken on a tour of various tech companies to show him their superiority.

"This," says Bob, "is the smartest computer in the world. Ask it any question, and it will answer you correctly."

The Russian president is intrigued. So he decides to trick the computer and asks: "Who wil...

A soviet joke about censorship that I found in my school book

An American tells a Russian that people in USA have the freedom of speech and that he even could go to the White House and shout:"Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

The russian answers:"Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to Kremlin and shout:" Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

Army USA - Chines - Russian Poland joke

The commander of the Chinese army troops calls the US and proposes war:

Hello Americans, we want to declare war on you, what do you say?

American: At the moment it is not possible, our troops are in Iraq and Afghanistan, so for economic reasons it is out of the question, call Russia I ...

There are four people in an airplane.

They are as follows:

\- The pilot (Obviously)

\- The president of the USA

\- The world's smartest man

\- A student from a local school.



Suddenly, an alarm sounds. The pilot runs into the passenger cabin and says:

"I don't want to alarm you, but there...

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The Usas government noticed that their army has too many generals.

So they decided to call over every over 60-year old general to the Pentagon for retirement. The government decided to measure the amount of money to the severance pay by measuring the length between two different body parts. The generals would get 10000$ for every centimeter.

The first genera...

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't k...

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George Bush is with the Queen of England.

George: "Your Majesty, any tips you can give me to stay in power, the way you have been for so long?"

"Well" said the Queen, "The most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

George frowned and then asked, "But how do I know the people around me
are intelli...

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

A man goes on vacation to Israel with his wife and his stepmother.

While in Israel, his stepmother died at the hotel.

The people there told him:

"Sir, if you want to bury her back in the United States, it's going to cost you $5,000 to bring back her corpse. But since she died at the hotel, we can do the funeral here in Israel for free.

The ma...

A man in USA sees a dog attacking a girl!

A man in USA sees a dog attacking a girl!
He kicks the dog, it dies!
Newspapers report
"LOCAL HERO SAVES LADY FROM DOG"

Man says i'm not American
Report changed
"Foreign Hero Saves girl from Dog"

Man says:
Actually I'm Pakistani
Breaking News:
"Terrorist killed ...

The USA is proud because their Founding Fathers had strong convictions

Big deal the founders of Australia had convictions too.

When I was young, I brought a pie to the USA, a pie to Russia, and a pie to North Korea.

All because my maths teacher told me to carry pie to 3 dismal places.

From my Botswanan friend

A man dies and goes to hell.

He finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He decides he'll pick the least painful to spend his eternity.

He goes to Germany Hell and asks, 'What do they do here?' ... He is told 'first they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Th...

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A Chinese guy decides to retire and move to USA

...after 50 years of living in Shanghai.

He bought a home on a small piece of land. A few days after moving in. The friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy to the region. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese guy running around h...

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The Nigerian king

Agnes, a middle-aged New York widow is feeling very lonely one day, so she decides to bite the bullet and try internet dating. Her initial attempts don't go very well, as most of the contact she receives varies from dick pics to guys asking for nudes. She's about to give up when one day she's contac...

The Test

This joke was told to me 20 years ago by a friend of my Dad’s.

The President of the USA decides to run an exercise to test the effectiveness of the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD with a simple task - a bunny rabbit will be let loose in a designated forest and he will send in one agency at a time ...

In the USA you can bear arms

In mother Russia we arm bears

If Snoop Dogg dies before pot becomes legal in USA ..

He will be rolling in his grave

Coronavirus arrives in the USA.

Mexico: So, about that wall......

What's the difference between North Korea and the USA?

In North Korea, power passes from grandfather to grandson.

In the USA, power passes from grandfather to grandfather.

This is actually a true story, when I was 17 I had a choice to study in Canada or the USA. I chose Canada because it was less expensive

In retrospect I dodged a bullet, maybe multiple bullets

How would you rate USA and Saudi Arabia's relationship?

9/11

On Sunday November 6th, USA will move an hour back ...

... and on Tuesday November 8th, we move back half a century.

What do Michael Jackson and USA have in common?

They both desperately wanted to be white. And the last great thing they did was a moon walk.

The Brazilian president and his spouse are staying at a hotel in the USA, in the room 222

Close to 17:00 he calls the room service from the landline and says the following.

tu ti, tu tututu

The attendant has a hard time understating that request and considering that it is the president, not just some normal customer, comes to the conclusion that he must have overheard an en...

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A black man from the USA, 200 cm tall, enters a coffee shop in Ukraine.

He sits down and orders a whiskey. An Ukrainian, 210 cm tall, enters the tavern, sits across the American and orders vodka.

The American, wanting to look superior, takes his whiskey and drinks it all at once.

So then the Ukrainian wanted to show that he can do it too, so he takes his v...

I hope aliens don't land in the USA and say "take me to your leader"

How embarrassing would that be

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The president of the USA is meeting with the president of Russia at Moscow

The USA president sees a red button next to his chair, hr presses it once and a ice water bucket falls on his face, he press it second time and the chair gives him a punch, he presses third time and the chair kicks him out.
Few months later the Russian President comes to Washington, he sees a red...

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