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Two men walk past a slogan in the Soviet Union

The slogan reads: "We shall liberate the people of the world from the chains of capitalism!". One of the men tells the other: "This is actually true. Remember the gold chain I had?"

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has acc...

It's 1980 in the Soviet Union

The economic situation is absolutely dire. Leonid Brezhnev, General Secretary of the Communist Party, calls an emergency party meeting to discuss solutions.

"Comrades," Brezhnev begins, "according to our projections, within 2 years we will have run out of meat! What do you propose we do, comr...

Dating pro tip: if s/he admires the Soviet Union...

then that's a red flag

My annual cake day joke repost - how can you tell the difference between a plumber and a chemist?

Ask them to pronounce unionized

After my retirement from the company I worked at for 45 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter,...

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Despite their big differences, Nazi Germany and the Soviet Union came together in 1939 and signed the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact.

Or as my history teacher calls it: the Law of Opposing Poles.

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

A man living in the Soviet union is queuing up for bread...

when he gets to the front he is told there is none left.

Annoyed, the man goes on a tirade, complaining about the poor conditions and the incompetence of the government.

A soldier, hearing this, says to him, "you better be careful. In the old days it would have been...", the soldier ...

The Seven Miracles of the Soviet Union

Miracle 1: Everyone had a job.
Miracle 2: Even though everyone had a job, no one worked.
Miracle 3: Even though no one worked, the project was always completed beyond expectations.
Miracle 4: Even though the project was always completed beyond expectation, there was never anything to buy....

Union Dues

A union boss at a convention in Las Vegas decides to visit a brothel. He asks the madam, "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she says. "Well, if I pay $100, what do the girls get?" he asks. "The house gets $80 and the girl gets $20." Offended by such unfair dealings, the man stomps o...

After the fall of the Soviet Union...

two Russian friends meet and one tells the other:

Friend 1: You know what? Everything they told us about socialism and communism was a lie.

And his friend replies,

Friend 2: You are right. And do you know what's even worse? Everything they told us about capitalism is true.

The day after the JFK assassination

So the day after the Kennedy assassination, Lyndon Johnson had already been sworn in and settles down that evening in the oval office. Just then, a red phone rings on his desk. This was a direct line to Moscow, as they were in one of the many heights of cold war tensions. Johnson answers the phone, ...

Two young lovers stare up at the ginormous shooting star streaking across the night sky.

*Even the night sky is smiling down upon our union!* one of them thinks.

*Ours is truly a love that will last forever,* he concludes, as he nuzzles the female Tyrannosaur’s neck.

Stalin is planning a visit to a Soviet preschool

In preparing, all of the children are taught to say that all of the best things in the world are available in the Soviet Union.

So, Stalin with his officials and his bodyguards arrives at the school, and he starts talking to the kids and asking them questions:

Firstly, he asks young Al...

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The world fossil fuel industry was shocked by the scandalous public exposure of LITERAL underground "swingers parties". The scandal allegedly involves numerous lustful Coal Union members including prospectors, colliers, dredgers, excavators, and sappers...

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# POST REMOVED

# Rule 9 - Reddit prohibits any sexual or suggestive content involving minors.

What is it called when baristas try to unionize?

Grounds for termination

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At the office of the General Secretary of the Soviet Union, the phone rings.

Comrade Stalin answers it and from the other side of the line a voice says: “This is Tapani from Finland. I am ringing you from Helsinki to inform you that we officially declare war on you!”

Stalin replies: “Well Tapani, that is indeed important news. How big is your army?”

“Right now,...

The European Union is proposing to build a public toilet in Brussels.

They put the job out to tender. They get in 3 responses.


First in is Hans from Germany. He gets straight to the point. "I'll build it for €30,000."
The Eurocrat behind the desk looks up from his note pad. "Can you give us some more detail, Hans?"
"Ja! €10,000 labour, €10,000 m...

A Gorbachev joke my dad told me a few years ago

Mikhail Gorbachev visits the US and meet with Ronald Reagan. They talk about how each country chooses their second in command. Gorbachev says that the Communist Party gives rigorous exams and screenings to choose the second in command. Reagan says he gives a test to figure out who to choose. He call...

What's the difference between The Soviet Union and Russia?

The Soviet union had Pepsi and Coke.

What game were children actually encouraged to play in the Soviet Union?

ISpy

A man is waiting in a line in the Soviet Union to get food

As he gets closer to the counter, he sees that most people are now walking away empty handed.

When his turn comes, he asks "Hi comrade, I assume you are out of fish?"
"No comrade, you are in the wrong place. We are out of meat. The store across the street is the one that is out of fish".

Soviet Union

Knock Knock.

"Who's there?"

Sounds of slapping and beating

"KGB, we ask question!"

An old man was walking down the street in the Soviet Union and realized his shoe was untied.

Upon realizing it, he bent down to tie his shoe, and when he finished, he stood up only to realize there was a man standing behind him.

"Oh, excuse me, Comrade, I didn't mean to get in your way," the old man said, but got only a grim stare in response.The man turned to walk away, but then r...

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What did the German army commander say when Hitler called to tell him to prepare to invade the Soviet Union?

Am I Heering this correctly?

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A Russian Jew goes into a coffee shop after the fall of the Soviet Union

“Excuse me, waiter, please bring me the most recent edition of Pravda” he asks.

The waiter replies “I’m sorry sir, but the Soviet Union has fallen and Pravda is no longer published”

“Very well, please bring me a coffee then”.

The next day, the Jew comes in again, and again ask...

There a man in the Soviet Union who always complained about the constant shortages

One day the KGB went to the apartment he lived and arrested him. The occupant of the apartment knew that he was gonna die so they didn't make a fuss out of it. But after a week much to the apartment's occupant surprise, the man returned relatively unharmed except for some bruises so the occupant ask...

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckle...

The Soviet Union had two TV channels

One was propaganda,

and the other was a KGB agent telling you to turn back to the propaganda

A man stumbles across an old oil lamp in an antique store...

The lamp is very dusty, so he gives it a rub, and the room starts to shake, and a genii appears.

He announces, "I am the Great Genii of the lamp! Since you've freed me, I will grant you one wish."

The man replies, "Just one?"

The genii relies, "Blame Reganomics, now time is sh...

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On a train in the Soviet Union

Three comrades travel in the same room in a long distance sleeper train. One comrade is reading a newspaper, while the other two tell political anecdotes. The first comrade decides to prank them. He steps out, and orders three cups of tea to be brought in their room in exactly 10 minutes. Then he co...

The soviet union was doomed to fail

The red flags were everywhere.

Why does Elon Musk make his employees have a net electric charge?

He doesn't want them to be unionized.

Joke told in the Soviet Union

(For context only 1/7 Soviets owned a car, and once you paid up front there was a 10 year wait to get one)

A man walks into the car store wanting to buy a car. He pays the man at the counter and the man at the counter says “Alright, just come back in 10 years to pick one up.” The man replies ...

As leader of the USSR, Gorbachev was allowed to conduct weddings

He liked to keep them brief:

Gorbachev: You want to marry her?

Groom: Da

Gorbachev: You want to marry him ?

Bride: Da

Gorbachev: Then so be it.

He was a master of the So-be-it union

Jeff Bezos only got divorced because

he realized his marriage was a union.

My uncle is a general contractor primarily focused on the construction of new branch locations for credit unions and other financial institutions.

He makes bank.

In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list

On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"

The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 year...

A band of russian friend are in their hotel room, joking about Stalin’s regime and cracking political jokes.

Worried that they were going too far, Sasha decides to play a practical joke on his pals and lighten the mood a bit. He slips downstairs to the lobby and asks the receptionist for an orange juice to be brought to room 304.

When he comes back to the room, he tells his friends “Guys, stop playi...

Trump quits US actors' union

Makes sense, why stay with a union after quitting your career in showbusiness?

There were two types of people in the Soviet Union

People who supported the Communist Party and dead people.

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece!

When Putin began his first term in office…

When Putin began his first term in office in 1999, he asked the then outgoing president Boris Yeltsin if he had any advice for him since he, Putin had no prior experience in politics.


Yeltsin reportedly handed him two envelopes and said, if things go bad, open the first envelope. If thing...

Old Man VS KGB

An old man somewhere in the Soviet Union's has dug his vase. Early in the morning two KGB officers show up at his place and ask him about his vase. He swears to God that he hasn't got any food.
Then they give him a shovel and point at the place to dig.
He digs the vase.
"Huh you silly old m...

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An American spy is sent into the Soviet Union

His name is John Smith and he has been training for this moment the last five years. He has perfectly mastered the Russian language and accent, can sing the Soviet anthem from memory and knows everything about Russian history.

In 1971, sixth of October, 3 AM local time he parachutes to the ou...

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Bernie Sanders goes to a union brothel

Bernie Sanders decides he wants to seek out a prostitute in a brothel, but not just any brothel will do. As a true champion of the working class he will only give his patronage to a true union institution.

He walks into the first brothel and he asks the owner, "if I were to pay $100, how much...

What Union do Professional Meme Artists belong to?

The Memesters

Why did the horse get kicked out of the Barnhouse Union?

Because he always voted neigh.

The Soviet Union attempted to sell cars.

Unfortunately Stalin was their biggest problem.

In Soviet Union a Screwdriver is not Orange Juice with Vodka...

It’s Vodka with Orange Juice

(Jokester’s Note: Russian Vodka is the best in the world regarding to taste, which inspired me to make this joke, love y’all(as far as a westerner goes))

A member of the Soviet Union wants to buy a car

The man goes to the official agency, puts down his money and is told that he can take delivery of his automobile in exactly 10 years.

“Morning or afternoon?'' the purchaser asks.

“Ten years from now, what difference does it make?'' replies the clerk.

''Well,'' says the car-buyer...

Why did the monkey defect from the Soviet Union?

It could not find any bananas

Visited the Soviet Union so I could decide if I want to move there or not.

Didn't like it there, too many red flags

If you go over to someone’s house and they have a banner of the former Soviet Union hanging on their wall

That’s a huge red flag.

Why was the Soviet Union abolished?

They realized the “C” in Communism was capitalized

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Why People Hate School Re-Unions

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

 They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey ...

When should scientists unionize?

If the ionizing didn't work.

(not sure if I can translate it) During the constant invigilation in the Soviet Union in a bar a man gets asked by a stranger

"Where would you go if you had a million dolars?"

"I'd travel around the Soviet Union of course!"

"What if it was ten million dollars?"

"I'd travel around the Soviet Union all the same."

"Come on, don't you know any other countries?!"

"I know other countries, dude,...

Pluses in the Soviet Union

Two Ukrainians are drinking together. Between shots of vodka, they are discussing many issues. One of the men was but a very young child when the Soviet Union dissolved and Ukraine and the other former member states gained their independence. Having very little recollection of what life was like bac...

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending...

The main goal of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union...

was to make sure the line for Lenin's Mausoleum was longer than the line for bread.

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A Jew is being held in prison in the Soviet Union for trying to emigrate to Israel

The Jew was studying Hebrew in his cell when the guard sneered at him, "Why are you wasting your time studying that language? You know you'll die here."

The Jew replied, "It is said that Hebrew is the language spoken in Heaven."

The Guard asked, "What if you go to hell?"

To whic...

Why was the Soviet Union so good at Geometry?

Because they had a Supreme Ruler.

Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is the USA?

In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the Washington Monument in Washington, DC, and yell, ´Down with Reagan!´, and you will not be punished. In the Soviet Union, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, ´Down with Reagan!´, and you will not be punished.

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How many union electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

5. You got a fucking problem with that?

What's it called when two communists begrudgingly get married?

The So be it Union

I just heard Google employing are unionizing

I had no idea they were charged particles before!

My grandmother was extremely anti-Union.

She always used to tell me that things “won’t get better if I picket”

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A Jewish man in the Soviet Union is lying on his deathbed

His rabbi arrives and asks him if he would like his final rites.

The Jew replies “no, please sign me up as a member of the communist party”

“A member of the communist party? Are you insane?? Why on earth would you want to join them?” The rabbi asks incredulously

“Better one of...

The CIA wanted to send a spy to the Soviet Union

and the spy that was selected had incredible qualifications. He was fluent in Russian, had perfect Cyrillic handwriting, had a vast knowledge of Soviet culture and mannerisms, could cook typical Soviet meals, and could keep up his act with a belly full of vodka.

The mission was long-term infi...

A joke from my grandfather

In a kindergarten classroom in Moscow in 1980:

Teacher: The Soviet Union is the heaven where you always have food to fill your stomach and your parents have a job and everyone is happy.

Student named Mikhail: Teacher I want to go to the Soviet Union.

Captain Smith is an officer of the Union army.

One day, his unit gets overran by an overwhelming ambush by the Confederate army. He is captured and taken to a Confederate garrison where he is brought up to General Jones. To his surprise, he is greeted warmly and served a sumptuous lunch and aged bourbon by his captors.

"I'm sorry, Captain...

Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)

A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".

He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".

He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You ...

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Why was toilet paper in the Soviet Union really coarse and more like sandpaper?

So every asshole would turn red.

If Germany was the Fatherland and the Soviet Union was the Motherland,

does that make WWII domestic violence?

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Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

What would IKEA be called if it was created by someone in the Soviet Union?

WEKEA

A man's waiting in a bread line in the Soviet Union

He's been waiting for hours, but just as he reaches the front of the line, the woman inside says, "sorry, out for today," and slams the door shut.

Naturally, he's apoplectic. He starts shouting- "So this is communism, eh?! I fought in the war against fascism, I've worked for the state my wh...

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Jeff was running late for a union meeting, and really needed to take a dump.

Finding the men's room clogged, he went up a floor in the auditorium, to find another bathroom. When he got up the stairs, he found a long hallway, leading to a door.

He opened the door, and found himself in a dimly lit attic.

His stomach gurgled, just as he spotted some light comin...

Why did the Soviet Union never get anything done?

Because they were always Stalin

Putin brings a flight attendant back to his dacha

While attending tea with an airline workers union, Russian president Putin notices one flight attendant hanging on his every word. He compliments her on her patriotism and brings her back for a tour of his dacha.

When they get there she says to him, “how about I be the Ukraine, and you invade...

Radio Yerevan Joke

One type joke from back in the Soviet Union was a Radio Yerevan Joke, in which Radio Yerevan would make a witty subversive reply to various queries. Anyway, here's a new one I saw about the present war:


"This is Radio Yerevan. Our listeners ask us: 'According to Putin, what is going on ...

The date is January 31, 1990, and the Soviet Union has opened its first McDonalds...

A KGB agent walks up to order and says, “One vodka, please.”

The woman at the register looks and says, “Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don’t serve vodka.”

The KGB agent looks surprised and says, “Excuse my mistake, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.”

Why was everyone in the Soviet Union so good at driving manual?

Because they were afraid of Stalin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(An old joke I heard. So sorry if I mess up with the wording.) A dead body was found floating in the river.

..The police recovered it, and found a wallet with the body. They found out that the wallet belonged to Mr. Smith. But they still weren't sure if the dead body was of Mr. Smith or not.

So they did some investigation and found out about the twin brothers Mark and Harry, who were very close fri...

Why could nobody in the Soviet Union drive a car?

They kept Stalin.

What was the Soviet Union's favorite videogame system?

The Nintendo We

How much space will Brexit free up in the European Union?

1 GB

Did you know that the Soviet Union had absolutely zero coal mines?

Crazy fact! I heard however that there were plenty of coal ours though.

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the fir...

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Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there”

The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”

If the United States got the moon for winning the space race, what did the Soviet Union recieve for second place?

A constellation prize.

Here a fun fact, the Soviet Union didn’t use land mines,

They used land ours.

I once watched a documentary about a Russian leader who ruled the Soviet Union and led the Red Terror genocide...

...I thought it was about their current president but it turns out, he's not that Vlad.

After entering what appeared to be a whole new world I witnessed incredible things - a man-beast union composed of a human top and goat bottom, a queen who wore a gown made of icicles, a huge furry lion who ruled over it all.

Eventually though I decided to go home. I came out of the closet and told my parents of the adventures I'd had. They're very closed minded though - they said it was perverted and sent me to conversion therapy.

During the days of the Soviet Union a man walks into the local Lada dealership ...

He tells the salesman what color he wants and pays the full cost of the car.

The salesman takes the money and says he should come to pick up the car in 7 years.

The man asks whether that would be in the morning or afternoon.

The salesman asks what difference that makes.

...

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

What was the official insect of the Soviet Union?

The cagey bee.

What did they call the fall of the Soviet Union

The last of us

The Soviet Union, 1927

A village is celebrating the anniversary of the revolution. The mayor gives s speech.

"We have accompliced so much during the last ten years! Look at Mikhail Pavlovich, before the revolution he was starving and illiterate. Today he is the best tractor driver in the village!"

People che...

Did you know that the Soviet Union had the highest percent of vegans?

Eating nothing = not eating animals

Radio Yerevan was asked: Is it correct that Grigori Grigorievich Grigoriev won a luxury car at the All-Union Championship in Moscow?

Radio Yerevan answered:In principle, yes. But first of all it was not Grigori Grigorievich Grigoriev, but Vassili Vassilievich Vassiliev; second, it was not at the All-Union Championship in Moscow, but at a Collective Farm Sports Festival in Smolensk; third, it was not a car, but a bicycle; and four...

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A Soviet officer and an American officer are talking over coffee at the end of World War II to celebrate their collaboration in the defeat of the Nazis.

They start to banter and brag with each other.

The American says to the Soviet, “you know, in my country we have total freedom, I could stand in front of the White House and shout “I hate America!” and nothing would happen to me.”

The Soviet officer looks at him and replies, “yes, in t...

What would you call the jokes about soviet union in this sub?

The USS r/jokes

What do you call a goldsmith workers union?

A gild

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Talking Dog

A man was driving down the street one day and saw a sign: Talking Dog for Sale - $10.

Though very skeptical, he immediately pulls up to the house and knocks on the door. An old man comes out and says “you hear for the talking dog? Come around back”.

He goes around the house and sees ...

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