My grandmother was extremely anti-Union.

She always used to tell me that things “won’t get better if I picket”

Just know if you walk into someone’s house and they have the Soviet Union banner on the wall

That is a big red flag

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckle...

Why was the Soviet Union so good at Geometry?

Because they had a Supreme Ruler.

The soviet union was doomed to fail

The red flags were everywhere.

What was the Soviet Union's favorite videogame system?

The Nintendo We

Religious Freedom was really strong in Soviet Union…

Proof: They did Ramadan all year long.

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".


In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil serv...

What does the P in Soviet Union stand for?

Private property

The European Union is like a bad boss.

If everything goes well it’s thanks to it but if something goes wrong it’s your fault.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish man in the Soviet Union is lying on his deathbed

His rabbi arrives and asks him if he would like his final rites.

The Jew replies “no, please sign me up as a member of the communist party”

“A member of the communist party? Are you insane?? Why on earth would you want to join them?” The rabbi asks incredulously

“Better one of...

The Soviet Union, 1927

A village is celebrating the anniversary of the revolution. The mayor gives s speech.

"We have accompliced so much during the last ten years! Look at Mikhail Pavlovich, before the revolution he was starving and illiterate. Today he is the best tractor driver in the village!"

People che...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there”

The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”

How much space will Brexit free up in the European Union?

1 GB

Why do people in the soviet union procrastinate?

Because they love Stalin

I once watched a documentary about a Russian leader who ruled the Soviet Union and led the Red Terror genocide...

...I thought it was about their current president but it turns out, he's not that Vlad.

What would IKEA be called if it was created by someone in the Soviet Union?

WEKEA

After entering what appeared to be a whole new world I witnessed incredible things - a man-beast union composed of a human top and goat bottom, a queen who wore a gown made of icicles, a huge furry lion who ruled over it all.

Eventually though I decided to go home. I came out of the closet and told my parents of the adventures I'd had. They're very closed minded though - they said it was perverted and sent me to conversion therapy.

Remember when the UK was part of the European Union?

I remember it like it was yesterday

What do you call a passive communist country?

The so-be-it union (one of my original jokes)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.

Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jeff was running late for a union meeting, and really needed to take a dump.

Finding the men's room clogged, he went up a floor in the auditorium, to find another bathroom. When he got up the stairs, he found a long hallway, leading to a door.

He opened the door, and found himself in a dimly lit attic.

His stomach gurgled, just as he spotted some light comin...

What's the difference between a scientist and plumber?

The way they pronounce unionized

What would you call the jokes about soviet union in this sub?

The USS r/jokes

The Soviet Union had excellent snipers...

They were outstanding Marxmen

People should have known that Soviet Union would collapse.

There were a lot of red flags.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at a bar last night and saw this MILF sitting at a table drinking by herself. I walked up to her and said, "Your ass is like the State of the Union Address."...

I'm gonna tear that shit up later.

Why did pilots decide to unionize?

They couldn’t pass up this golden airport unity!

=D

What would we call if russia unite with all former Soviet Union nation?

...Soviet 'RE'Union

Cursed Re-union

*What is Reunion..? Reunion is when you get up in the morning and tell your wife you're going to Work.. Instead you go to your neighbour's Wife to make love to her. Her husband comes back unexpectedly, knocks on the door and you have no choice but to crawl under the bed... The Husband enters the bed...

Who’s responsible for the fall of the Soviet Union?

They all share the blame.

During the days of the Soviet Union a man walks into the local Lada dealership ...

He tells the salesman what color he wants and pays the full cost of the car.

The salesman takes the money and says he should come to pick up the car in 7 years.

The man asks whether that would be in the morning or afternoon.

The salesman asks what difference that makes.

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

Lou Costello : Well that’€™s gonna cost you overtime because I’€™m a union man and I work only sixteen hours a day.

McDougal : A union man only works eight hours a day.

Lou Costello : I belong to two unions.

Lord came unto Noah

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United
States , and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated,
and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good
humans."...

How do you tell the difference between a chemist and an electrician?

Ask them to pronounce "unionized"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WHY PEOPLE HATE SCHOOL RE-UNIONS

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey...

Back in the days of the Soviet Union, a Jewish man living in Moscow applies to move to Israel.

At 3:00 AM there’s banging on his door. It’s the KGB.

“You! Jew! You applied to move to Israel?” He nods.

“Here in Russia, don’t you have food to eat?”
 

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”
 

“And here in Russia, don’t you have place to live?”
&nbsp;<...

A couple got married at a credit union but no one showed up

Low interest

A commissar visits a potato farm

The party official asks a farmer how things are going, and the farmer replies that the harvest is so bountiful that the potatoes would reach the ''foot of God'' if piled on top of one another.

''But this is the Soviet Union,'' says the commissar, ''there is no God here.'' The farmer replies, ...

They say the Soviet Union had the best Bread!

It was so good, people waited on line for hours to get some.

Did you know that the Soviet Union had absolutely zero coal mines?

Crazy fact! I heard however that there were plenty of coal ours though.

How Come Big Dogs Make Little Dogs and Big Cats Make Little Cats But Why Cant Big Trains Make Little Trains?

I am 55 and this is my first joke that I learned and told.

Little Johnny was wondering one day and decided to ask his dad.... “Dad, how come big dogs can make little dogs and big cats can make little cats but why can’t Big trains make little trains?”
Little Johnny’s father replied “Well ...

I blasted the Soviet Union anthem in my private school

It's now a public school







Credit to a YouTube comment

When 7 met 9 it was a blissful union, they decided to get married

And then came the night to consume 8

A union worker goes to a brothel...

A dedicated Teamsters Union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and, as you would expect, decided to check out the local brothels nearby. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"

"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't."

"Well, if I pay you ...

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece!

A date told me she'd love to have visited the Soviet Union at it's greatest. I got out of there real quick.

It was clearly a big red flag.

Did you hear about the boxers' union?

They demanded equal rights, lefts and uppercuts.

What was the official insect of the Soviet Union?

The cagey bee.

What do you call a goldsmith workers union?

A gild

Captain Smith is an officer of the Union army.

One day, his unit gets overran by an overwhelming ambush by the Confederate army. He is captured and taken to a Confederate garrison where he is brought up to General Jones. To his surprise, he is greeted warmly and served a sumptuous lunch and aged bourbon by his captors.

"I'm sorry, Captain...

Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)

A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".

He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".

He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we cur...

If Stalin didn't become the leader of the Soviet Union

he would be Starvin.

During the days of the Soviet Union...

...a fellow in Moscow decided he wanted a car. During those times, items deemed to be luxuries were scarce, and there was a long wait for them. So he saved up for it over a period of years. When he finally had enough money for the car, he went to the dealer and paid the money.

The dealer s...

Unionized Pirates

Where do unionized pirates go to settle their differences?

Arrrrrbitration

RETIRED HUSBAND After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to WalMart. Unfortunately, like most men; I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local WalMart:

Dear Mrs. Harris:

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.
We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our com...

The best thing about knitting squirrels is that their nuts about cuneiform

You can even pay them in peanuts until they unionize and start demanding pistachios

Upon admitting defeat, a proud Confederate leader said, “The Union was pretty much right.”

(General Lee speaking)

Here a fun fact, the Soviet Union didn’t use land mines,

They used land ours.

If Germany was the Fatherland and the Soviet Union was the Motherland,

does that make WWII domestic violence?

We should get all the ex-USSR states back together

Then we could have a Soviet re-Union

If the United States got the moon for winning the space race, what did the Soviet Union recieve for second place?

A constellation prize.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did they make the toilet paper so hard in the Soviet Union?

Because they wanted to make every asshole Red.

One day the commissar was inspecting a potato farm in the Soviet Union and asked the farmer how his yields were.

The farmer said “Oh commissar, the potatoes are so bountiful that together they can reach the foot of God.” The commissar stopped and said “Have you forgotten your communist teachings!? There is no God!” To which the farmer said “Exactly, that’s why there’s no potatoes.”

Did you know that the Soviet Union had the highest percent of vegans?

Eating nothing = not eating animals

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German Shepherd walks into a Western Union

He goes up to the window, noses a form toward the clerk, and seems to indicate he wants to send a message.


The clerk is amused and laughs a little as she says, "okay, boy, what do you want it to say?"


The dog barks, "Woof-woof, woof-woof-woof, woof, woof-woof."
...

The date is January 31, 1990, and the Soviet Union has opened its first McDonalds...

A KGB agent walks up to order and says, “One vodka, please.”

The woman at the register looks and says, “Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don’t serve vodka.”

The KGB agent looks surprised and says, “Excuse my mistake, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is sent into the Soviet Union

His name is John Smith and he has been training for this moment the last five years. He has perfectly mastered the Russian language and accent, can sing the Soviet anthem from memory and knows everything about Russian history.

In 1971, sixth of October, 3 AM local time he parachutes to the ou...

Soviet Union. Judge comes out of the courtroom, laughing.

- Why are you laughing?

- I've just heard a very funny joke.

- Tell me it.

- I can't, I just gave a 10-year sentence for it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Soviet Teacher was talking about the Union to her class.

"Life in Soviet Union is great, all families have a nice apartment, a car, all children have nice toys!" a student then started crying The teacher, confused asked "Vladimir, why are you crying??" The Kid then looked up and said "I wanna move to the Soviet Union!!"

Soviet Jokes (Long)

A soviet citizen of East Berlin is planning on defecting to the West. The night before he is set to leave, he gets a knock at the door. Perplexed as to who could be knocking at this hour, opens the door. He finds two uniformed KGB officers."Please, come in and make yourself at home" the man says app...

Jeff Bezos is getting divorced

He must have realised that marriage counted as a union

How many union members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. It's the other guy's job

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew is being held in prison in the Soviet Union for trying to emigrate to Israel

The Jew was studying Hebrew in his cell when the guard sneered at him, "Why are you wasting your time studying that language? You know you'll die here."

The Jew replied, "It is said that Hebrew is the language spoken in Heaven."

The Guard asked, "What if you go to hell?"

To whic...

A man escapes from the Soviet Union

He visits his relative who has been living in West Germany and did quite well for himself. The relative takes him on a tour of town in his brand new Mercedes. The Soviet man, not having seen a Mercedes in his life, asks him about the three pointed star hood ornament.

The relative decides to p...

The CIA wanted to send a spy to the Soviet Union

and the spy that was selected had incredible qualifications. He was fluent in Russian, had perfect Cyrillic handwriting, had a vast knowledge of Soviet culture and mannerisms, could cook typical Soviet meals, and could keep up his act with a belly full of vodka.

The mission was long-term infi...

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE

WHEN A FLY FALLS INTO A CUP OF COFFEE . . .
The Italian – throws the cup, breaks it, and walks away in a fit of rage.
The German – carefully washes the cup, sterilizes it and makes a new cup of coffee.
The Frenchman – takes out the fly, and drinks the coffee.
The Chinese – eats the fly a...

Stalin was visiting a town (actual joke from Soviet era)

Stalin was visiting a small town in Russia. Huge crowd was there to receive him, holding signs with words of praise for Stalin, Party, Union etc.

Among them, secret police officers spotted a particularly old man holding a sign saying "Thank you comrade Stalin, for a happy childhood!".
...

A union man is looking for a brothel.

He goes to the first one he sees and asks if it is a union establishment. “No” says the madam. “ Well, how much does the house get and how much does the worker get?”. The madam answers 90/10 and that doesn’t sit well with him.

The man continues down the road all with the same answer.

T...

How many union workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don’t know, that’s not my job.

Whats the difference between the Trump Administration and the Mafia

the Mafia supports unions

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got Wood ? (long-ish)

Tommy is born missing an eye. He’s always been self conscious about it and at a young age he gets a wooden eye so that he looks like he has two eyes. Even though the wooden eye makes him look like he has two eyes, he is still very self conscious. He has never been on a date and at the prom, he goes ...

I was dating a chick from the Soviet Union...

it was nice until she tried to seize my means of reproduction.

The Soviet Union is marching on Finland!

A soviet commander hears a voice from the other side of a hill,"One Finnish soldier is better than 10 soviet soldiers!". So the soviet general sends in 10 soldiers, after a bit of gunfire he hears the voice again,"One Finnish soldier is better than 100 soviet soldiers!". Again the soviet general sen...

Why could nobody in the Soviet Union drive a car?

They kept Stalin.

Two American communists decide they would like to emigrate to the Soviet Union.

The two men, names Ron and John, did not trust the negative things they had heard about the USSR in the press, since they believed that was just capitalist propaganda meant to discredit communism. However, just to be sure, the men formulated a plan to investigate what the country was like personally...

Why was everyone in the Soviet Union so good at driving manual?

Because they were afraid of Stalin.

The Soviet Union never failed...

...it was so successful that they decided that they no longer needed each other

If you've been a bad person in England, they will call you a pig. In America, they'll call you a sheep. In the Soviet Union...

You crane!

How did every joke in the Soviet Union start?

With a glance over your shoulder.

Just another round of Union negotiations . .

Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract’s sick-leave provisions.

One morning at the bargaining table, the company’s chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, “T...

Who from the Soviet Union made the most in development of modern surgery?

Mikhail Timofeyevich Kalashnikov.

Men with erectile dysfunction have decided to unionize

They haven't gotten a raise in years

In the 1980s, Gorbachev was adored by the West...

... But very much hated by his own people. All of Russia despised the man who caved in to the West and weakened the mighty Soviet Union. Many wanted to have his head, even his officials and the KGB.

One day at the Red Square, Gorbachev was giving a speech in front of the public. The KGB deci...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hitler, Salin, and EA were having a debate

"Who amongst us is the most hated?" Hitler asked

Stalin said "It is I, the Soviet Union killed more people than even you, Hitler!"

EA says "NONSENSE! I've ruined dozens of game franchises. I am the most hated!"

Hitler said "Why don't we hold a vote in hell and see who is the mo...

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

The Union Cavalry were in dire need of recruits...

General Grant decided to turn one infantry division into a cavalry division and sent the men back to boot camp for additional training.

Johnny was 19 years old and a brave soul, but looking at the rearing, neighing and feisty war horses, he had one concern.

“Excuse me Drill Sergeant!” ...

There was freedom of speech in the Soviet Union, just like in USA

You can stand in front of the White House and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.
Equally, you can also stand in Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.

Why did the chicken cross the road?

His family was experiencing financial trouble, and needed money. He tried applying for many jobs, they just didn't work out. After ending up working in the drug business to support his family, a deal went bad and he got shot, landing him to the hospital. The night his family arrived to check on him...

I completely agree with Brexit, I don't care what you guys say,

Europe Union doesn't matter

If Donald Trump talks about "fake news" during the State of the Union...

Does that make it the State of the Onion

TIL of a Nine Inch Nails and Tool collaboration project that never made it to the studio because of union issues

It was called Unlicensed Carpentry

Why can you never trust a car made in the Soviet Union?

They keep Lenin to the left, and Stalin.

There is a Malaysian '80s cover band called "The Union."

What were they thinking, not going with "Durian Durian"?

The year 2192

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. He leaves a ceremonial letter. For reasons lost in time, this letter is always unsigned. Ceremonial garb includes a suit that looks like it was made for a someone of an entirely different si...

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