A man is waiting in a line in the Soviet Union to get food

As he gets closer to the counter, he sees that most people are now walking away empty handed.

When his turn comes, he asks "Hi comrade, I assume you are out of fish?"
"No comrade, you are in the wrong place. We are out of meat. The store across the street is the one that is out of fish".

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An old Jewish man was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel from the Soviet Union.

When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin.

Customs: What is that?

Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise!

The official chuckle...

Do you know why you should never trust the Soviet Union?

There is Alot of Red Flags.

What Union do Professional Meme Artists belong to?

The Memesters

Why did the horse get kicked out of the Barnhouse Union?

Because he always voted neigh.

There were two types of people in the Soviet Union

People who supported the Communist Party and dead people.

How do you tell a chemist and a plumber apart?



You ask them to pronounce unionized.

The Soviet Union attempted to sell cars.

Unfortunately Stalin was their biggest problem.

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On a train in the Soviet Union

Three comrades travel in the same room in a long distance sleeper train. One comrade is reading a newspaper, while the other two tell political anecdotes. The first comrade decides to prank them. He steps out, and orders three cups of tea to be brought in their room in exactly 10 minutes. Then he co...

What is the greatest adversary of the Soviet Union?

Its the Western Union.


Okay, I'll see myself out. :|

Visited the Soviet Union so I could decide if I want to move there or not.

Didn't like it there, too many red flags

Joke told in the Soviet Union

(For context only 1/7 Soviets owned a car, and once you paid up front there was a 10 year wait to get one)

A man walks into the car store wanting to buy a car. He pays the man at the counter and the man at the counter says “Alright, just come back in 10 years to pick one up.” The man replies ...

The Streetcleaners Union is petitioning to double the width of their brooms.

They're demanding broad sweeping reform.

Why did the monkey defect from the Soviet Union?

It could not find any bananas

Trump quits US actors' union

Makes sense, why stay with a union after quitting your career in showbusiness?

English to become the official European language

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility. 

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement an...

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A Russian Jew goes into a coffee shop after the fall of the Soviet Union

“Excuse me, waiter, please bring me the most recent edition of Pravda” he asks.

The waiter replies “I’m sorry sir, but the Soviet Union has fallen and Pravda is no longer published”

“Very well, please bring me a coffee then”.

The next day, the Jew comes in again, and again ask...

In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list

On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"

The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 year...

(not sure if I can translate it) During the constant invigilation in the Soviet Union in a bar a man gets asked by a stranger

"Where would you go if you had a million dolars?"

"I'd travel around the Soviet Union of course!"

"What if it was ten million dollars?"

"I'd travel around the Soviet Union all the same."

"Come on, don't you know any other countries?!"

"I know other countries, dude,...

Pluses in the Soviet Union

Two Ukrainians are drinking together. Between shots of vodka, they are discussing many issues. One of the men was but a very young child when the Soviet Union dissolved and Ukraine and the other former member states gained their independence. Having very little recollection of what life was like bac...

My girlfriend is weirdly obsessed with the Soviet Union.

And for me, that's a major red flag.

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A Jew living in the Soviet Union applies for an exit visa so he could emigrate to Israel.

As a result, he is summoned to the KGB headquarters.

“I see that you applied to move to Israel?” asks the KGB officer. The Jewish man nods.

“Here in the USSR, don’t you have food to eat?”

“Yeah, I can’t complain.”

“And here in the USSR, don’t you have place to live?”
<...

The American and the Russian

Originally told by U.S. President Reagan in one of his speeches:

>An American and a Russian(before the fall of the Soviet Union) were bragging to one another.
>
>
>American: We have a lot of freedom of speech. We can just go to the White House, barge in the President...

In Soviet Union a Screwdriver is not Orange Juice with Vodka...

It’s Vodka with Orange Juice

(Jokester’s Note: Russian Vodka is the best in the world regarding to taste, which inspired me to make this joke, love y’all(as far as a westerner goes))

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Why People Hate School Re-Unions

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

 They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey ...

Why was the Soviet Union abolished?

They realized the “C” in Communism was capitalized

If you go over to someone’s house and they have a banner of the former Soviet Union hanging on their wall

That’s a huge red flag.

I just heard Google employing are unionizing

I had no idea they were charged particles before!

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Bernie Sanders goes to a union brothel

Bernie Sanders decides he wants to seek out a prostitute in a brothel, but not just any brothel will do. As a true champion of the working class he will only give his patronage to a true union institution.

He walks into the first brothel and he asks the owner, "if I were to pay $100, how much...

A member of the Soviet Union wants to buy a car

The man goes to the official agency, puts down his money and is told that he can take delivery of his automobile in exactly 10 years.

“Morning or afternoon?'' the purchaser asks.

“Ten years from now, what difference does it make?'' replies the clerk.

''Well,'' says the car-buyer...

When should scientists unionize?

If the ionizing didn't work.

Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is the USA?

In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the Washington Monument in Washington, DC, and yell, ´Down with Reagan!´, and you will not be punished. In the Soviet Union, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, ´Down with Reagan!´, and you will not be punished.

Why didn’t the Soviet Union publish any Where’s Waldo books?

It would be too easy to find Waldo, everyone would be waiting in a lineup.

What's the difference between a pipe fitter and a chemical engineer?

They way they pronounce unionized.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many union electricians does it take to change a lightbulb?

5. You got a fucking problem with that?

A joke from my grandfather

In a kindergarten classroom in Moscow in 1980:

Teacher: The Soviet Union is the heaven where you always have food to fill your stomach and your parents have a job and everyone is happy.

Student named Mikhail: Teacher I want to go to the Soviet Union.

The main goal of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union...

was to make sure the line for Lenin's Mausoleum was longer than the line for bread.

What's the worst thing about carpenter bees and carpenter ants?

They aren't union.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was toilet paper in the Soviet Union really coarse and more like sandpaper?

So every asshole would turn red.

Why did Bill Gates' and Jeff Bezos’ marriages both end in divorce?

Because they realized they were in a union.

Why was the Soviet Union so good at Geometry?

Because they had a Supreme Ruler.

A man's waiting in a bread line in the Soviet Union

He's been waiting for hours, but just as he reaches the front of the line, the woman inside says, "sorry, out for today," and slams the door shut.

Naturally, he's apoplectic. He starts shouting- "So this is communism, eh?! I fought in the war against fascism, I've worked for the state my wh...

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece!

What was the Soviet Union's favorite videogame system?

The Nintendo We

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A Jewish man in the Soviet Union is lying on his deathbed

His rabbi arrives and asks him if he would like his final rites.

The Jew replies “no, please sign me up as a member of the communist party”

“A member of the communist party? Are you insane?? Why on earth would you want to join them?” The rabbi asks incredulously

“Better one of...

What would IKEA be called if it was created by someone in the Soviet Union?

WEKEA

Why did Jeff Bezos get divorced?

He’s anti-union.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jeff was running late for a union meeting, and really needed to take a dump.

Finding the men's room clogged, he went up a floor in the auditorium, to find another bathroom. When he got up the stairs, he found a long hallway, leading to a door.

He opened the door, and found himself in a dimly lit attic.

His stomach gurgled, just as he spotted some light comin...

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An American spy is sent into the Soviet Union

His name is John Smith and he has been training for this moment the last five years. He has perfectly mastered the Russian language and accent, can sing the Soviet anthem from memory and knows everything about Russian history.

In 1971, sixth of October, 3 AM local time he parachutes to the ou...

A dedicated shop steward was at a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the madam. "Is this a union house?" "No, I'm sorry, it isn't," she replied.

"Well, ill pay you $100. what cut do the girls
get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20."
Offended at such an unfair operation, the
man stomped off down the street in search of
a more equitable shop. Finally he reached a
brothel where the madam said hers was a
union house...

Why did the Soviet Union never get anything done?

Because they were always Stalin

My grandmother was extremely anti-Union.

She always used to tell me that things “won’t get better if I picket”

What does the P in Soviet Union stand for?

Private property

I once watched a documentary about a Russian leader who ruled the Soviet Union and led the Red Terror genocide...

...I thought it was about their current president but it turns out, he's not that Vlad.

A zoo purchased a female gorilla as their new start attraction.

However, she soon became very aggressive and very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined that the problem was she was in heat. With no male gorilla at the zoo, how could she be calmed down?

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Davi...

The Soviet Union, 1927

A village is celebrating the anniversary of the revolution. The mayor gives s speech.

"We have accompliced so much during the last ten years! Look at Mikhail Pavlovich, before the revolution he was starving and illiterate. Today he is the best tractor driver in the village!"

People che...

How much space will Brexit free up in the European Union?

1 GB

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Adolf Hitler is discussing plans to invade the Soviet Union with his officers. In order to save cost, Hitler doesn’t want to supply rain gear. He asks his senior officer, “Is it still snowing there”

The senior officer replies, “It’s just a little hail, Hitler.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mass shooting in Soviet Union, government blamed the Nazi. Mass shooting in Europe, government blamed terrorists.

Mass shooting in United States, government blamed video games.

After entering what appeared to be a whole new world I witnessed incredible things - a man-beast union composed of a human top and goat bottom, a queen who wore a gown made of icicles, a huge furry lion who ruled over it all.

Eventually though I decided to go home. I came out of the closet and told my parents of the adventures I'd had. They're very closed minded though - they said it was perverted and sent me to conversion therapy.

What do you call a Russian wedding?

A soviet union

Radio Yerevan was asked: Is it correct that Grigori Grigorievich Grigoriev won a luxury car at the All-Union Championship in Moscow?

Radio Yerevan answered:In principle, yes. But first of all it was not Grigori Grigorievich Grigoriev, but Vassili Vassilievich Vassiliev; second, it was not at the All-Union Championship in Moscow, but at a Collective Farm Sports Festival in Smolensk; third, it was not a car, but a bicycle; and four...

Two guys and a union worker were fishing on a lake one day, when Jesus walked across the water and joined them in the boat.

When the three astonished men had settled down enough to speak, the first guy asked, humbly, "Jesus, I've suffered from back pain ever since I took shrapnel in the Vietnam War...could you help me?"

"Of course, my son," Jesus said, and when he touched the man's back, he felt relief for the fir...

Captain Smith is an officer of the Union army.

One day, his unit gets overran by an overwhelming ambush by the Confederate army. He is captured and taken to a Confederate garrison where he is brought up to General Jones. To his surprise, he is greeted warmly and served a sumptuous lunch and aged bourbon by his captors.

"I'm sorry, Captain...

What do vegan communists really, really enjoy?

the soyviet union.

Here is a joke from the Soviet Union (also popular in other communist countries before 1989)

A CIA agent is sent on a spy mission to Moscow, Soviet Union. He goes to a grocery store and writes down in his diary "There is no food".

He then goes to a clothes shop and puts down in the diary "there are no shoes".

He goes out of the shop and a KGB agent waits for him outside. "You ...

Remember when the UK was part of the European Union?

I remember it like it was yesterday

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was at a bar last night and saw this MILF sitting at a table drinking by herself. I walked up to her and said, "Your ass is like the State of the Union Address."...

I'm gonna tear that shit up later.

During the days of the Soviet Union a man walks into the local Lada dealership ...

He tells the salesman what color he wants and pays the full cost of the car.

The salesman takes the money and says he should come to pick up the car in 7 years.

The man asks whether that would be in the morning or afternoon.

The salesman asks what difference that makes.

...

If Germany was the Fatherland and the Soviet Union was the Motherland,

does that make WWII domestic violence?

The Soviet Union had excellent snipers...

They were outstanding Marxmen

Did you know that the Soviet Union had absolutely zero coal mines?

Crazy fact! I heard however that there were plenty of coal ours though.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jew is being held in prison in the Soviet Union for trying to emigrate to Israel

The Jew was studying Hebrew in his cell when the guard sneered at him, "Why are you wasting your time studying that language? You know you'll die here."

The Jew replied, "It is said that Hebrew is the language spoken in Heaven."

The Guard asked, "What if you go to hell?"

To whic...

What would we call if russia unite with all former Soviet Union nation?

...Soviet 'RE'Union

Did you hear about the boxers' union?

They demanded equal rights, lefts and uppercuts.

The CIA wanted to send a spy to the Soviet Union

and the spy that was selected had incredible qualifications. He was fluent in Russian, had perfect Cyrillic handwriting, had a vast knowledge of Soviet culture and mannerisms, could cook typical Soviet meals, and could keep up his act with a belly full of vodka.

The mission was long-term infi...

Lou Costello : Well that’€™s gonna cost you overtime because I’€™m a union man and I work only sixteen hours a day.

McDougal : A union man only works eight hours a day.

Lou Costello : I belong to two unions.

Why did pilots decide to unionize?

They couldn’t pass up this golden airport unity!

=D

Clock tower maintenance workers are going on strike!

“It’s about high time,” commented the union representative.

Here a fun fact, the Soviet Union didn’t use land mines,

They used land ours.

Lazy government union employee is like a broken gun....

If it doesn't work, you can't fire it.

What was the official insect of the Soviet Union?

The cagey bee.

Cursed Re-union

*What is Reunion..? Reunion is when you get up in the morning and tell your wife you're going to Work.. Instead you go to your neighbour's Wife to make love to her. Her husband comes back unexpectedly, knocks on the door and you have no choice but to crawl under the bed... The Husband enters the bed...

If the United States got the moon for winning the space race, what did the Soviet Union recieve for second place?

A constellation prize.

The date is January 31, 1990, and the Soviet Union has opened its first McDonalds...

A KGB agent walks up to order and says, “One vodka, please.”

The woman at the register looks and says, “Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don’t serve vodka.”

The KGB agent looks surprised and says, “Excuse my mistake, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.”

What do you call a goldsmith workers union?

A gild

When 7 met 9 it was a blissful union, they decided to get married

And then came the night to consume 8

During the days of the Soviet Union...

...a fellow in Moscow decided he wanted a car. During those times, items deemed to be luxuries were scarce, and there was a long wait for them. So he saved up for it over a period of years. When he finally had enough money for the car, he went to the dealer and paid the money.

The dealer s...

I blasted the Soviet Union anthem in my private school

It's now a public school







Credit to a YouTube comment

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is on his death bed

His wife is there with him. He gently grabs her hand and begins:"My sweet wife...Do you remember that time when in the first spring in our new house, I was pruning that old tree and a branch hit me in the head, getting me ten stitches?"

Wife: "Yes, my love. I remember."

Husband: "You w...

Did you know that the Soviet Union had the highest percent of vegans?

Eating nothing = not eating animals

Why could nobody in the Soviet Union drive a car?

They kept Stalin.

Why was everyone in the Soviet Union so good at driving manual?

Because they were afraid of Stalin.

A couple got married at a credit union but no one showed up

Low interest

If Stalin didn't become the leader of the Soviet Union

he would be Starvin.

Upon admitting defeat, a proud Confederate leader said, “The Union was pretty much right.”

(General Lee speaking)

How many union members does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. It's the other guy's job

How did every joke in the Soviet Union start?

With a glance over your shoulder.

Why were Russians indifferent about the Cold War?

Because they lived in the So Be It Union

Unionized Pirates

Where do unionized pirates go to settle their differences?

Arrrrrbitration

TIL that back in the 1940s, as a result of failed communications between engineers and builders, the Soviet Union built thousands of submarines based on recalled 1850s schematics, resulting in millions of dollars in military funding being wasted.

Whoops, wrong sub.

One day the commissar was inspecting a potato farm in the Soviet Union and asked the farmer how his yields were.

The farmer said “Oh commissar, the potatoes are so bountiful that together they can reach the foot of God.” The commissar stopped and said “Have you forgotten your communist teachings!? There is no God!” To which the farmer said “Exactly, that’s why there’s no potatoes.”

Easiest way to tell a scientist from a construction worker?

Have them pronounce unionize.

I was dating a chick from the Soviet Union...

it was nice until she tried to seize my means of reproduction.

What do you call a group of indifferent communists

A So-be-it Union

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bill Clinton and the Pope both died on the same day.

Due to a minor clerical error, the Pope went to Hell, while Clinton went to Heaven. When the Pope arrived in Hell, everyone realized the mistake. Due to an issue with the union, they couldn't swap the two until the next day, and the Pope had to spend the night in Hell, while Clinton spent the night ...

Who from the Soviet Union made the most in development of modern surgery?

Mikhail Timofeyevich Kalashnikov.

The Soviet Union never failed...

...it was so successful that they decided that they no longer needed each other

The most NSFW one-liner.

You wanna join a union?

A union man is looking for a brothel.

He goes to the first one he sees and asks if it is a union establishment. “No” says the madam. “ Well, how much does the house get and how much does the worker get?”. The madam answers 90/10 and that doesn’t sit well with him.

The man continues down the road all with the same answer.

T...

Two American communists decide they would like to emigrate to the Soviet Union.

The two men, names Ron and John, did not trust the negative things they had heard about the USSR in the press, since they believed that was just capitalist propaganda meant to discredit communism. However, just to be sure, the men formulated a plan to investigate what the country was like personally...

How many union workers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don’t know, that’s not my job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German Shepherd walks into a Western Union

He goes up to the window, noses a form toward the clerk, and seems to indicate he wants to send a message.


The clerk is amused and laughs a little as she says, "okay, boy, what do you want it to say?"


The dog barks, "Woof-woof, woof-woof-woof, woof, woof-woof."
...

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