North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.

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Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.

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Parrots are like America. They bli...

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

Why do Americans still think they are in “The Greatest country in the world”?

When your citizens are 37th in the world in education, you can pretty much tell them anything.

A man goes to heaven, and to his surprise, he sees a huge wall covered in clocks.

A man goes to heaven, and after walking through the gates, he gets escorted to a waiting room. In the room, he sees a huge wall, covered in clocks. Each clock has only one hand, and each hand has a name written on it. Some clocks are moving rather slowly, while others go a full circle in less than t...

What does America have that Canada doesn't?

Nice neighbors.

What’s the difference between America and cheese?

If you leave cheese by itself for 200 years, it grows a culture.

How do you get America to enter a World War?

Tell them it's almost over

Why Americans don’t need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British

Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.

If America switched from pounds to kilos overnight

There'd be mass confusion.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them.

But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up ...

In America, what do you call someone who barges into your house with a gun demanding you hand over your stuff?

A police officer.

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

​

It's ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom...

... unless they're flashing behind you.

Why is is that you only see bigfoot in America

Because you see bigmeters everywhere else

Shout out to America!

There's been no school shootings this year!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby...

America is like a game of chess.

Black always goes second.

My friend claims that Trump is singlehandedly bringing down America, but I disagree.

With hands that small, he probably has to use them both.

The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run

I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

I'm so sick of people making fun of the United States

Don't they know we're the third best country in North America?

Why is america at an disadvantage at chess?

Because they are missing two towers.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A French man moves to America and begins looking for a job.

He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner. The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.

“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”

And the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm running for President of the United States of America in 2020 as part of the Penis Party.

So far I only have 1 member.

Why wasn’t Jesus born in America?

Because they couldn’t find a virgin and 3 wise men.

In America dogs are K-9

But in China they are E-10

It’s sad that nothing is made in America anymore...

I just bought a new t.v. and it said “Built in antenna”
I don’t even know where that is!

A young chinese boy has been having a tough time ever since he moved to America

A young chinese boy has been having a tough time ever since he moved to America. He could barely speak English, was socially awkward and was constantly bullied at school. His mother, his only family, was in the hospital with a rare illness. The nurse taking care of his mother was the most beautiful...

What is America's only weakness?

Aeroplanes.

Only America’s dogs have 4 feet.

Dogs all over the rest of the world have 1.22 meters.

Why don’t they tell knock knock jokes in America?

Because Freedom Rings!

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

“School” is my answer

A Chinaman come to America looking for a job.

A local hardware store owner wants to prove he isn’t racist so he hires him.

After he hires him, the business owner asks the Chinaman what skills the he has.

“Nah much mister, mah Engrish nah bery Gud.”

The business owner tells him to go work in the supplies department.
<...

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

After america has been made great again Trump got a new slogan

"American't be better"

What's the difference between Thailand and America?

Thailand reunites boys with their families.

Why would America choose the bold eagle as their national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away?

Oh, right...

Guy moves to America, just learning English, gets cut off in traffic and yells 'E# Female Sheep'

buddy in the car goes, um, no, it's f u

Why were the British salty about losing America?

They got tea-bagged

John F Kennedy was the smartest president America has ever had.

He's the only president we know for sure had a brain.

A child walks into a supermarket in America.

A child walks into a supermarket in America and tries to buy 5 bars of snickers and an assault rifle. The cashier saids, ‘I’m sorry, I can’t sell this to you’. The child replies; ‘Why?’ The cashier then saids; ‘that’s too much chocolate for a little boy to have’.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese businessman goes golfing while on a trip in America

When he returns to his co-workers in Japan, they ask him about his trip.

"In America, they have strange game. You hit little white ball over great green field. Try to get in tiny little hole."

"What is this game called?" his co-workers ask.

"I think it's called...."Oh Shit."

Osama bin Laden rated America.

He gave us a 9/11.

What do you call a Bee that lives in America?

USB

Did you hear Donald Trump is outlawing string cheese?

Yeah, I guess he wants to make America grate again.

Three brothers moved to America from China.

The brothers names were Chu, Bu, and Fu. These brothers decided they wanted more American sounding names so they went to City Hall to change them.

Chu decided to go by Chuck, Bu decided to go by Buck, and Fu went back to China.

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

In America, prison reform is a political issue.

In Russia, political reform is a prison issue.

I just got deported by the government of Austria due to my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions, and all the flights to America are full.

Don't worry, I'll just get to the helicoper

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Have you heard about the documentary on an average cops view of a black man in america

Pokemon: Gotta Catch em all

Did you know there are so many lawyers in America that if you lined them up side by side

They would reach all the way into each other’s pockets.

If The Hulk took over for Captain America...

Would he be a Star Spangled Banner?

A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel..

...to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.

The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"

He decided to go a...

I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

Did you hear? Being the greatest business man and genius that he is, Donald Trump will be fixing the most original flaw of this great nation. And it will finally be known as America:

Land of the Fee! (Conditions may apply)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did America remove the U from colour?

because fuck u thats why

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
 
“Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”
 
The clerk said, “Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!”
 
The man sai...

In capitalist America...

Bank robs you!

Dolly Parton is such a beloved figure in America, the DSM-5 has already classified a disease that American's might feel when she dies.

Post-Parton Depression

A Missionary in South America

A Missionary in South America teaches native indigenous tribesman to English language. They paddling on a boat on the Amazon River and the Missionary teaches him: "This is a river. This is a forest. These are the trees. There are leaves on them. "

Down by the river they saw a couple making l...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The current situation in America reminds me of a porn video i watched

Where everyone gets fucked but nobody gets paid

Three men were applying for immigrant status in America...

The immigration officer asked them what they knew about American culture and traditions, but they were all silent. So he asked what Easter is.

Man #1: "Easter is when a fat man in a red suit visits all the boys and girls, and gives them presents".

"Wrong answer, that's Christmas."
...

I don't know how many tigers there are in South America

But I'm sure there are ocelots

An American and a Russian are talking

The American says to the Russian, "I feel bad for you folks. You don't have any freedom. In my country, I can march right up to the White House, walk right into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the president's desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running the United States.'"
...

How much does it cost to fly to South America?

A Brazillion dollars

(I stole this from Trixie Mattel)

What's the difference between a kid in America and the USSR?

A kid in America makes a snow angel, and that's that.

A kid in Soviet Russia makes a snow angel, and gets arrested for spreading pro-religious propaganda.

Americans won't get this

Healthcare

What’s the difference between America and Ethiopia

There’s Ethiopian food in America

As an Australian student coming to America to study, I found it hard to get through customs...

"G'day, I'm here to study at uni."

"Which university are you going to, son?

"Yale, mate"

"I SAID WHICH UNIVERSITY ARE YOU GOING TO, SON?!?!"

I was speaking to a group of the migrants from Central America. I asked them how they felt about a wall between Mexico and the United States.

They told me they would get over it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald Trump has finally made one thing in America great again.

Saturday Night Live

What's the difference between Disneyland America and Disneyland Thailand?

In Thailand, you pay extra for the happy ending with each ride.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Submarines in the Atlantic

One day in the Atlantic, two subs surface next to each other. Out of one, an ancient Soviet rustbucket, emerges a rowdy crew that is clearly drunk. On the other, a sleek American sub, cleancut American crewmen stand at attention.

The heavily-bearded Soviet captain begins screaming at his men:...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What begins with “N” and ends with “S” And is ruining America?

Nazis

In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter...

Let that sink in...

Who could beat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam

Why is the most powerful man in America scowling more since November?

He can’t help it, winters are cold in Russia.

Want to hear ancient Native American dirty joke?

Clean horse falls in mud

YouTube reminds me of your mom

It went down on all of America last night.

What’s the difference between me and America?

America got rid of its Great Depression.

Why do native Americans hate April?

Because April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring white people

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I'm proud to be black" said the black man.

"I'm proud to be brown" said the Mexican man.

"I'm proud to be yellow" said the Asian man.

"I'm proud to be red" said the Native American.

"I'm proud to be white" said the racist.

I dont understand how one of the most widespread traditions in America is about flying reindeers from the north pole.

Its just not clausible.

America's waterways are increasing in salinity and I know who's to blame.

Who else but Fortnite players could be responsible for so many salty streams.

Schools in America should start teaching students that the alphabet starts with 'O'

OBCD is a growing issue in America

America is sure having some bad luck these days.

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something.

In America, you can always find a party...

In Soviet Russia, the party always finds YOU

Without the Americans we wouldn't have 9/11

We would have 11/9 instead.

There's alot of panic regarding the E.Coli outbreak in North America.

But I think people should Romaine calm.

Medical accidents are now the third leading cause of death in America.

And as it happens accidents are also the leading cause of life worldwide.

What would you call Miley Cyrus when she leaves America....

*kilometer cyrus*

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

I...

In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends.

Thoughts and prayers.

America could never switch to the metric system.

Kilometers Davis, how does that sound?

Why did the French give the statue of liberty to America?

They had no use for a statue with only one hand raised

Did you guys watch the movie about aliens invading America?

I think it was called "Pocahontas"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American walks into a pub, says "I'll have a bud light". The bartender replies "You're American aren't you?"

The guy says "How did you know? Was it the beer or the accent?"

Bartender replies: "Neither, you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen in my life."