A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

What are smart people in America called?

Tourist

In America police dogs are K9

In China they are E10.

America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam

It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

What‘s the difference between America and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it will grow a culture.

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English.

Upon reaching it, one of the first thing he did was go into a department store.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

“Quiero calcetines, (I want socks)" said the man.

“I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over ...

Just the way America does it

If the United States saw what the United States is doing in the United States, the United States would invade the United States to liberate the United States from the tyranny of the United States

Congratulations, America.

Zero school shootings so far this year.

America truly is the land of the free.

Said my brother, who was arrested for nothing

Why is America cursed

It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

Why can’t a girl living in America be buried in Canada?

Because she is still alive

Americas covid numbers are only because the population is so dense

There are also a lot of people in certain locations

Ted Cruz almost made America great again....

...but then the idiot came back

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

Could you image if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?

There would be mass confusion!

The Pope is visiting America

The Pope is visiting America and is being driven around in a limousine. He strikes up a conversation with his chauffeur and says “Did you know that when you become Pope, they don’t let you drive anymore?”
The chauffeur shrugs and the Pope continues, “I really miss being able to drive. Do you thin...

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In the future Mexico became the wealthies, most transparent, most peaceful, most progressive, most developed and most prosperous nation in the Americas while the US became a 3th world shithole.

As such many Mexicans decided to move back to Mexico but among them there were also Americans trying to emmigrate. As such the border checks were supposed to make sure that those going in Mexico were Mexicans and not American immigrants.


A man aproaches the border and is asked: "What's yo...

I guess half of America are whistle-blowers this morning

Cause we're all Snowden

I want my 11780 dollars.

Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.

I hate when people say Trump never does good things for America

He recently left office, which was the greatest thing for America.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America wants to repay its soldiers after the Afghanistan war.

After the Afghanistan war was over, America decided that every soldier can choose a certain part of their body to be measured, and they will get as many thousands of dollars as the lenght of that body part.


First soldier wants to be paid his hight. He will be measured from the tip of his ...

This is America,why don't you learn to speak English!!

Karen yelled at a group of Scots.

Two poor men dream of going to America

They hear of American food and how great it is and, in particular, the hotdog.

So they work hard and save their money for many years before finally traveling to America. Upon arriving, they immediately run off the boat and to the nearest hotdog stand. Eagerly, they throw their money at the st...

As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election.

We know our results months in advance!

Americas curve is flattening alright.

Just vertically instead of horizontally.

Nice to see America keeping its tradition

Of launching a coup in a third world country.

Do you think America's gone nuts?

Nah. They've gone coup coup.

Some might say america is a dumpster fire right now

But that's not true because a dumpster fire can actually give a homeless person a source of heat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

They say America is a great big melting pot...

But nobody bothered to mix it

Why did the dyslexic association of America stop having their meetings at the YMCA?

They all showed up at Macys.

In America you call people who marry their cousins hillbillys

In Europe we call them Royals

I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID.

I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?”

An African man visits his friend in the US

“I just flew in yesterday” the African man says “And boy are my arms tired!”

“You know, that’s kind of an old joke here in America” replied his friend.

“Joke?” The African man said. “I’ve been holding my hands in the air yelling ‘don’t shoot’ ever since I got to this damn country”.

How do Canadians say “The United States Of America”...?

The U.S Eh

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said yes!

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just as...

A Swiss man goes to America

(This joke can be told using any nationality you want to make fun of, I’m telling it how my Swiss relatives told it to me)

A Swiss man is driving on the highway in America. At one point, he rear-ends an American car and they both pull over. The American walks over to the Swiss man, yelling ab...

What do you get when you cross Captain America and Thor?

A Chris-cross

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

I've never seen America this divided before...

People can't even agree on what year it is right now

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America has founding fathers

Porn hub has pounding fathers

It is unbelivable what is going on in America! It's treason!

Who would ever think that Kim will leave Kanye?

If there’s one very thing that I’ve learned during this unprecedented week of events in America...

It’s that I have the same coffee mug as Nancy Pelosi.

A foreign family is about to travel to america

The parents told the kids to say bye to the friends they will miss. The older son then threw himself down a flight of stairs, in the hospital, when he was asked why he did it, he said

"Just saying goodbye to free healthcare"

Today should be a holiday honoring all the truckers who have kept America going during the Covid epidemic.

A big 10-4, if you will.

Why does america always score top on shooting in the Olympics?

Because we train in the best schools.

After many years in America, the local Korean owner of a convenience store was asked how it was that his name is Patrick Murphy.

When I come to America, there was long line of immigrants from all over the world. When immigration officer ask man in front of me where he comes from & what his name he tell him, " I'm from Ireland & my name is Patrick Murphy!" Then immigration officer writes his name down and tells him to ...

If Darth Vader lived in America, where would he live?

The Empire State Building

What's the difference between a product made in Mexico and a product made in America?

One is made by a Mexican, while the other is made by a Mexican immigrant.

A group of foreign computer peripheral manufacturers, unhappy with tariffs placed on their products by the United States, plans on starting their own country, which will compete with America.

They will call it USB.

There was a multiple choice history quiz about the states of America.

I went through questions like “Which state is known for fudge?” The answer was A: Michigan. I went through those questions and I got to question 10.

Which state’s capital is Nashville?
A: New York
B: Alabama
C: Tennessee
D: California

I knew this answer. Ten is C.

How do we know America is Queer?

You've never heard of anyone celebrating a straight-centinial, have you?

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

America failed No Nut November,

This election featured the two biggest nuts in recent US history.

A lot of weird stuff is going on in America at the moment...

It's like America is built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Polish man moved to America and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following ...

So many items are no longer made in America..

I just bought a new tv and the box said “built in antenna”...

I don’t even know where that is!

Y’all are nuts- Trump TOTALLY made America great again.

So what if he had to lose an election for that to happen.

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Trump keep fucking america?

Because it's cheaper than fucking his wife.

There is a coin shortage in America

They are officially out of Common Cents

The animals were bored.

Finally the lion had an idea. He tells the other animals how he's seen the humans play a game called American football. He proceeded to tell them how it's played and explained its rules. This got them excited.

They chose their teams and went out to an open field. The lion's team received, and...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American beer

American beer is like having sex on a canoe
- fucking close to water

Marry Christmas from Switzerland

Trumpty Dumpty

Trumpty Dumpty promised a wall

Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the golf courses and all the white men

Couldn't Make America Great Again

There are immigrants who had came to America, stolen jobs and murdered the local population

and we call those immigrants the founding fathers

If Kanye West actually won the US Election and became the president, I think he would turn America into a communist nation.

Because he believes no one man should have all that power.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Asian man goes on a trip to America

He goes to an American Bank to converts his money to dollars, while going through his trip he meets a generous old friend who decides to let him stay in his place and also pay for his expenses during his stay.

After a few days he decides to return back to his country and heads to the bank to...

It’s amazing how popular Instagram is in America.

Didn’t think they liked the metric system.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

America...

the only place where you can go to a World Championship game with only one nation competing against themselves

A old nun was telling a new nun what it will be like being a nun in South America. She was telling her about all the fresh fruit that they have. Then she said farther down south they have bananas this big |.........|

The new nun responded Father who?

Trump and Biden are trapped on island. Who survives?

America

Hot Dogs in America

Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigr...

How many states make up the United States of America?

49 nowadays, Nevada stopped counting.

Erwin Schrodinger came from abroad to attend my grandparent's wedding in North America.

He was a nonlocal observer.

An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

“Let’s not fight about it!...

I used to be the worst player on my football team but then I moved to America

Now I’m the worst on my soccer team

What do you get when you cross Captain America with The Incredible Hulk?

Star spangled Banner.

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

An Indonesian ambassador and a Polish ambassador are meeting in America to discuss international relationships when the American embassy worker gets confused.

"Their country flags are so similar and confusing," the American embassy worker thought to himself, "How can I tell the Indonesian flag and the Polish flag apart?"

"Is the white strip located above the red stripe?" The embassy worker asked the ambassadors.

"Tak" replied the ambassadors...

An original joke by my 6 year old this evening. What is the largest number in South America?

A Brazilian!

Under Kennedy, America went to the moon...

Under Trump, America can't even get to Canada.



Much love from Toronto, stay safe!

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

CIA Uncovers Chinese Plot to Make America Stupid

It's called Tik Tok.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Voting in America is like cleaning up after your dog...

No one wants to deal with that shit, but it's your duty.

Somebody told me there's an invasive species of giant frogs destroying local populations all across North America...

... What a bunch of bull.

In some places in America, you can still eat indoors in restaurants...

You have to wear a mask when you walk in. Once you are seated you can take off your mask.

Isn't that a bit like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America: "It's terrifying so many of us are dying to something we can't even see."

The Middle East: "We fucking know"

The drone pilot: “lol"

During the Cold War, the Russian government came up with a plan to demoralize the Americans.

They placed an order with America's largest rubber manufacturer for 50,000 cases of condoms, 5 inches wide and 17 inches long.

Being a shrewd businessman, the owner of the company filled the order while simultaneously fulfilling his patriotic duty and making the Russians' ploy backfire.
...

Two men from Texas were in Canada for winter break.

At their cabin they met two canadians. The day after they decided they had to get food, so naturaly they decided to go ice fishing. To make it a bit more fun, the two guys from Texas decided to show the canadians how great America was, by beating them in an ice fishing competition. The canadians acc...

there are no red states or blue states in america.

they're all like mitch mcconnell's hands

some shade of purple.

What do you call a bee that comes from America ?

USB.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It seems like nothing is made in America anymore! They keep outsourcing to cheaper and cheaper places.

I just bought a new TV and it said "built in antenna."

I haven't even heard of that shithole country!

As a non-American I just wanted to say I don't think America is filled with idiots.

Yeah, right sub.

In Capitalist America

Bank robs you

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

Say what you will about Trump, but in the end, he kept the promise he made in 2016 about restoring respect for America in the international community.

All he had to do was lose in 2020.

Mikhail Kalashnikov visits the United States (based on true story)

For the first time, the legendary father of the AK-47 visits the United States. On his first day there he goes to a shooting range and meets up with Eugene Stoner, the father of America's M16. They discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each of their creations to which Eugene Says:

"My ...

Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time

Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.

Fact: Q is the only letter that isn’t in any American state name.

And as such, believers in Q don’t belong in America

I'm 45 and I can't get school shooting jokes even though I have lived in America my entire life

I asked my friend and he said it's probably because they are aimed at a younger audience

[LONG][INSPIRING] America: The land of opportunity

Good Read!
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in New York walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located. He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director:
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are no more virgins in America,

Since everyone has gotten fucked over by our government.

Thought I’d try translating a joke. Two foreigners are sailing to America for work.

Upon getting off the boat at the dock, one notices a hotdog stand. Sure, it sounds weird to them but they decide to try it.

As one unwraps the foil, he blushes and asks, “Which part of the dog did you get?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American, a Russian, and a Ukrainian are flying together in a small plane

The American gets up, goes to the window (it's not *that* small a plane) pulls a wad of money out of his pocket, and throws it out the window.

"In America, we have plenty of money. We can just throw it away."

The Russian, not to be outdone, rummages in his carry-on bag, pulls out a bea...

In Soviet America

Coronavirus handles administration

Why is the United States of America losing the fight against Covid-19?

Because they can't shoot it like the rest of their problems.

Just found out there was a anew town in America for sad people who just ate fruit.

Twas a melon colony.

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and controlled news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, America.

There's a Miss Philadelphia contest, there's a Miss Pennsylvania contest, a Miss America contest and even a Miss Universe contest....

I wonder why the town of Big Beaver, Pennsylvania has never had a beauty contest?

What's the similarity between America and Melania Trump?

They're both getting screwed by Donald Trump and neither one of them is happy about it.

I came up with this last night, but it might be a repost.

Why doesn’t America knock?

Because Freedom Rings. Happy Independence Day!

The Beggar Girl

In the beginning of the 20th century, a young girl called Edit left her home country of Sweden, and crossed the Ocean to make a new life in America. Unfortunately, it did not go all that well, and she found herself soon homeless, begging for food or money to survive.

She used to occupy a stre...

A woman is talking on her phone while waiting in line at the bank.

After she gets off the call, the man behind her taps her on the shoulder and says, "I didn't want to interrupt your call, but next time you need to speak in English"

"Excuse me?" the woman replied.

"This is America," the man said, "We speak English in America. If you wanna speak Spanis...

Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry

A man was walking down the street and noticed a sign reading: "Hans Schmidt's Chinese Laundry." Being of a curious nature, he entered and was greeted by a Chinese man who identified himself as Hans Schmidt. "How did you come to have a name like that?" inquired the stranger. The man explained in very...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How many times did Trump and Melania have sex on Air Force One?

Never. He was too busy fucking America.

America is a free country!

Shipping fees not included.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My late Grandfathers favorite joke

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and u...

What do fans supporting The Culinary Institute of America cheer at their sporting events?

Die or Beat Us!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After a two year study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on America's ball-related recreational preferences:

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is basketball.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is bowling.

3. The sport of choice for blue-collar workers is football.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is baseball.

5. Th...

Why isn't God blessing America?

Because it's rude to sneeze without covering your face.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First visit to America as German guy!

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by.
She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"

I shouted back "DANKE!"

Who rides through South America on a horse with a rifle and a savoury tart?

The con-quiche-tador

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