It’s sad that nothing is made in America anymore...

I just bought a new t.v. and it said “Built in antenna”
I don’t even know where that is!

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

Why are Americans so dumb?

Because they shoot the ones who go to school.

Why are Americans so stupid?

Because we shoot the ones who go to school.

Why do Americans still think they are in “The Greatest country in the world”?

When your citizens are 37th in the world in education, you can pretty much tell them anything.

How do you get America to enter a World War?

Tell them it's almost over

I'm so sick of people making fun of the United States

Don't they know we're the third best country in North America?

My friend claims that Trump is singlehandedly bringing down America, but I disagree.

With hands that small, he probably has to use them both.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby...

The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run

I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

John F Kennedy was the smartest president America has ever had.

He's the only president we know for sure had a brain.

Three brothers moved to America from China.

The brothers names were Chu, Bu, and Fu. These brothers decided they wanted more American sounding names so they went to City Hall to change them.

Chu decided to go by Chuck, Bu decided to go by Buck, and Fu went back to China.

What does America have that Canada doesn't?

Nice neighbors.

Shout out to America!

There's been no school shootings this year!

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France.

Did you hear Donald Trump is outlawing string cheese?

Yeah, I guess he wants to make America grate again.

In America, prison reform is a political issue.

In Russia, political reform is a prison issue.

What's the difference between Thailand and America?

Thailand reunites boys with their families.

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

“School” is my answer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The current situation in America reminds me of a porn video i watched

Where everyone gets fucked but nobody gets paid

I just got deported by the government of Austria due to my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions, and all the flights to America are full.

Don't worry, I'll just get to the helicoper

A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel..

...to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.

The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"

He decided to go a...

If The Hulk took over for Captain America...

Would he be a Star Spangled Banner?

What is Tony Stark's, Captain America's, and Bruce Banner's favorite song

The Stark Spangled Banner

An American and a Russian are talking

The American says to the Russian, "I feel bad for you folks. You don't have any freedom. In my country, I can march right up to the White House, walk right into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the president's desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running the United States.'"
...

As an Australian student coming to America to study, I found it hard to get through customs...

"G'day, I'm here to study at uni."

"Which university are you going to, son?

"Yale, mate"

"I SAID WHICH UNIVERSITY ARE YOU GOING TO, SON?!?!"

What's the difference between a kid in America and the USSR?

A kid in America makes a snow angel, and that's that.

A kid in Soviet Russia makes a snow angel, and gets arrested for spreading pro-religious propaganda.

Why is the most powerful man in America scowling more since November?

He can’t help it, winters are cold in Russia.

I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

What's the difference between Disneyland America and Disneyland Thailand?

In Thailand, you pay extra for the happy ending with each ride.

I was speaking to a group of the migrants from Central America. I asked them how they felt about a wall between Mexico and the United States.

They told me they would get over it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald Trump has finally made one thing in America great again.

Saturday Night Live

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did America remove the U from colour?

because fuck u thats why

Who could beat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam

In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter...

Let that sink in...

What’s the difference between me and America?

America got rid of its Great Depression.

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
 
“Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”
 
The clerk said, “Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!”
 
The man sai...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Submarines in the Atlantic

One day in the Atlantic, two subs surface next to each other. Out of one, an ancient Soviet rustbucket, emerges a rowdy crew that is clearly drunk. On the other, a sleek American sub, cleancut American crewmen stand at attention.

The heavily-bearded Soviet captain begins screaming at his men:...

Americans won't get this

Healthcare

Want to hear ancient Native American dirty joke?

Clean horse falls in mud

What’s the difference between America and Ethiopia

There’s Ethiopian food in America

YouTube reminds me of your mom

It went down on all of America last night.

Schools in America should start teaching students that the alphabet starts with 'O'

OBCD is a growing issue in America

In America, you can always find a party...

In Soviet Russia, the party always finds YOU

Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

God couldn't find 3 wise men or a virgin.

What would you call Miley Cyrus when she leaves America....

*kilometer cyrus*

I dont understand how one of the most widespread traditions in America is about flying reindeers from the north pole.

Its just not clausible.

Medical accidents are now the third leading cause of death in America.

And as it happens accidents are also the leading cause of life worldwide.

There's alot of panic regarding the E.Coli outbreak in North America.

But I think people should Romaine calm.

America's waterways are increasing in salinity and I know who's to blame.

Who else but Fortnite players could be responsible for so many salty streams.

Why do native Americans hate April?

Because April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring white people

Without the Americans we wouldn't have 9/11

We would have 11/9 instead.

People tell me I look like Captain America!

Before he got his Super Soldier Serum...

What's the difference between America and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it'll develop a culture.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three european explorers come to America.

When they arrive they are met by native Americans who want to kill them.

The europeans beg not to be killed, so the native americans will spare their lives, on one condition, that they "must go into the forest and bring back a single fruit."

They go into the forest and the first on...

America could never switch to the metric system.

Kilometers Davis, how does that sound?

Did you guys watch the movie about aliens invading America?

I think it was called "Pocahontas"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three Europeans arrive in America.

John, Michael, and Bill are all get captured by Native Americans shortly after and intend to kill them. But the Europeans beg to have their lives spared, and the Native Americans agree to not kill them, on one condition: They must each go into the forest and bring back a fruit of their choice, then ...

If we could make America communist for just a year

We could squash our obesity epidemic

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure...

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

I...

I had a dream, Tim Cook was America's president.

But you just can't compare Apples to Oranges.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Scotsman decides to make a trip to America for the first time.

A scotsman decides to make a trip to America for the first time. When he got there he wanted to do the most American thing he could think of so he went to a baseball game. He had never seen the sport played before so didn't really know the rules and was just copying what the crowd was doing. A batte...

Why did the French give the statue of liberty to America?

They had no use for a statue with only one hand raised

America is sure having some bad luck these days.

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Beauty is just a matter of timing: In 1970s America I would’ve been ridiculed for having a hairless chest. In ancient Greece I would’ve been laughed at for having a big penis.

Still waiting for that bald future all those fucking sci-fi movies promised me.

If aliens really landed in America

"Take me to your leader"

"... you sure?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

What's the difference between America and Canada?

This joke has been blocked by your ISP.

Why is America so bad at chess?

Cuz they already lost 2 towers.

If you've been a bad person in England, they will call you a pig. In America, they'll call you a sheep. In the Soviet Union...

You crane!

In light of the Net Neutrality debate, I want to say something to support my American friends.

Thoughts and prayers.

How did Columbus greet the Native Americans when he first landed in the Americas?

With new diseases.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An American walks into a pub, says "I'll have a bud light". The bartender replies "You're American aren't you?"

The guy says "How did you know? Was it the beer or the accent?"

Bartender replies: "Neither, you're the fattest fuck I've ever seen in my life."

Why did America drop crates of combs for Germany during WW2?

To get rid of the knotsies.

What do you call a bee that lives in America??

A USB

Trump: We should have less immigrants in America!

Pence: "Fewer".

Trump: I told you not to call me that yet!

If Bill Cosby is America's dad...

Does that make him Canada's creepy uncle?

In light of Russia's recent attacks on America...

I propose we rename it "Cyberia"

On meeting Donald Trump, Kim Jon Un says “I will destroy America...”

Trump replies, “No way, that’s my job. I won’t have another asian stealing an American job.”

Why is it legal to download America?

Because it's royalty free.

Why aren't there enough knock, knock jokes in America?

Because Freedom rings.

Around 80% of all Asians that move to America get cataracts.

The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus, or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.

As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

Tour guides in Central America are in great shortage

It's not as bad as some will lead you to Belize.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."






Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal cl...

Why did the conjoined twins travel from America to England?

So the other one could finally drive.

——————-

(Source: heard it in _Man on the Moon_ movie)