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A Chinese doctor can't find a job in an America, so he opens his own clinic...

Six months later, a lawyer walks by the clinic and notices there's a sign outside that says "TREATMENT COST $20, IF WE CAN'T CURE YOU GET $100 BACK."
The lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic. The doctor comes right up to him as he enters.

Doctor: "W...

A British tourist visits a brothel in America [NSFW]

Shameless repost of a classic, relevant today.

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to California finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a lit...

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A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.


Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776


\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

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There is nothing built in America anymore.

I just bought a brand new t.v. and it said, "Built In Antenna." I don't even know where the fuck that is !!!

I survived the most dangerous place in America...

And all I got was this lousy diploma

What’s the largest city in America?

Obesity

What does the H in America stand for?

Healthcare

A Mexican man was visiting America

He wanted to go to a genuine American baseball game so that when he went home, he could tell his family all about it, but when he got there the game was sold out, so he climbed to the top of the flag pole to get a good look. "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in th...

The teacher asked little Jimmy who discovered America

He replied 'It wasn't me'.

The teacher asked him again. 'Who discovered America?'

He, once again replied 'It wasn't me'

One last time the teacher asked him.

And again he replied, now a little louder 'I swear to god, it wasn't me!'

The teacher had enough and called ...

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

TIL the only year the "Buffalo Nickel" was minted was in 1976 for America's...

...bison-tennial

I watched an episode of America's Most Wanted last night that scared me so bad I'm afraid to even go outside now.

I'm afraid someone is going to recognize me.

I Read That There Were 300 Battered Women In America Every Day

And all this time I've been eating them raw.

A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger

The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"

The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year

than a professional athlete earns in a whole day.

What superhero can beat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam

A friend of mine planned a trip to America and walked into a bar

They are now facing crippling debt from the ambulance ride and stitches

As an American, I am deeply offended whenever I hear non-Americans call America a nation of fat idiots . . .

. . . then I remember that we had a national panic when they quit making Twinkies.

In America, you go to recruitment office

In Russia, recruitment office go to you!

I have never cared for talent shows like America's Got Talent, Britain's Got Talent, etc.

I think its all staged.

Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the puritans?

>!Because Australia won the coin toss!<

Hey did you guys know South America is getting overpopulated?

Yea, there’s like a brazilian people there.

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The director of one of America's finest hospitals is showing the President around the hospital.

In one room, the President sees a male patient masturbating furiously. "What's that guy doing?" he asks.

"He has a very rare condition," responds the director. "He produces semen way too quickly. If he doesn't masturbate at least thrice a day, his testicles will explode."

In the next r...

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Vladimir Putin and his driver die in a car accident

Not surprisingly, they end up in Hell. The Devil gives them choice - they can go to Russian Hell, or American Hell. They look around and don't see much difference between the two; really, they both look fairly nice and pleasant. The Devil lets them know, however, that each morning, they must eat ...

what's the most depressing place to live in America?

Missouri

What's the most unfair thing about American politics?

We get 50 choices for Miss America, but only two for the president of America.

The last wish

A dying man gathered his Lawyer, Doctor, and Clergyman at his bedside and handed each of them an envelope containing $25,000 in cash.

He made them each promise that after his death and during his repose, they would place the three envelopes in his coffin.

He told them that he wanted ...

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Why foreign students are not welcomed in America.

It was the first day of school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandra Subramanian entered the 4th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except f...

In America, dogs are K9.

In China, dogs are E10.

85%of people in America don't know basic math.

Thanks God I'm from the other 25%

What do you call a bee made in America?

USB

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A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard...

... and is able to buy for his very first home: a condominium apartment. He throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks.

The Russian says “That is my talking A...

Inflation in the US is so bad right now that…

- My friend received a predeclined credit card in the mail.
- CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
- Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
- McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
- Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.
- Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned ...

How come there aren’t any knock-knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings.

Did you ever hear of Juan the Magnificent?

Juan was just a young man growing up in rural Mexico. He felt he had little chance to grow up and do anything of importance or recognition. He'd grow up and work the land. The same as his father and his grandfather before him.


Until the day he saw the great magician Harry Houdini.

...

What is the National Sport of the United States of America?

Depends on which one is on TV right now.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by their government and the media.

But I know that can't possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

What’s the difference between Benedict Arnold and Donald Trump?

Benedict Arnold once fought for America.

When I grew up in America, I was told that if I work real hard, someday I could be the next President of the United States.

I live in the UK now and noticed that the British aren’t as optimistic as Americans.

But as an optimist, I still tell my son that if he worked real hard, someday he could be the next Queen of England.

An Englishman goes on a hunting tour of the Americas. He first stops in Canada, where he shoots a large male grizzly bear

In order to ease the transportion of his trophy, the Englishman cuts the bear into pieces, seperating the legs, the arms and head from the torso. He then continues his tour southward crossing the border into the USA.

At the border a customs agent checks his belongings. "Sir," says the agent "...

America has been having a lot of bad luck lately

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

Apparently loads of people turned away from voting for Trump coz he wanted to ban shredded cheese

He wanted to Make America Grate again.

What kind of bees live in America?

US Bees

Why does America run on dunkins?

because everyone loves waking up with double d 's in your face!

Imagine America's best dentists competing against each other in fixing dental problems

We'll call the show "Top Gum"

When the pope was visiting America

He told the driver of his limo that he had the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man and would not ever dream of questioning the Pope’s authority. So the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80km/h, ...

Heart disease is the leading killer in America

We need a salt weapon ban.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

‘Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world? The survey was a failure.

In Africa they didn’t know what ‘food’ meant;

in India they didn’t know what ‘honest’ meant;

in Europe they ...

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam

It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

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Mary comes home to tell her father she is a prostitute

A staunch catholic - he is outraged.

Father: "How can you do this to your mother and I! After how we raised you, took you to chapel and taught you to live by the ways of the Lord! What in heavens name will the rest of the family think of you? Think of us!?

No, I won't have it, you'l...

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My girlfriend has unreasonable standards

Last night, she told me to fuck her like No Child Left Behind fucked America's education system.

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized She was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his:

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out. "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said. "Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen Sitting next to him and sh...

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

Sometimes I feel like America's infrastructure

Excessively damaged due to bad choices made decades ago and a lack of routine maintenance.

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A Russian moves to America

(Mild swearing at the end)

A young man from the depths of Siberia, Dmitri, moves to America hoping to start a new life. He buys a nice apartment, lives comfortably and integrates himself into the community, as a fine, upstanding citizen of New York.

6 or 7 months later, his old friends...

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

What‘s the difference between America and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it will grow a culture.

There once was an Irishman that wanted to immigrate to America

His name was Tom Dunn. He lived in Ireland his whole life, but wanted to see what better opportunities America had to offer him.

He decided to make the trip, promising his mother he will write to her every day and that she should come visit him when he is all squared away. “I’ll be the Presid...

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What does having sex in a canoe and America beer have in common?

They are both fucking close to water...huar huar huar

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An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Old man Cohen had immigrated to America and achieved the dream.

He started his own successful nail company. There are two kinds of people he felt, those who built the world and those who just benefitted from it. So he was worried about his son as he handed over the business on retiring.

Within a year his son had completely automated the company, upgraded ...

My wife said she slept with a man during her trip to South America.

I said, "I don't Bolivia."

Jesus, the Christ, decides to to give humanity a second chance...

Arriving on Earth, he does a tour.

He travels the Middle East and everything goes well. He then goes through Australia and he's welcomed with open arms. Afterwards, he goes to Europe, and all the Europeans love him. Then he goes to America...

whilst in one of the Southern States, one...

Americas curve is flattening alright.

Just vertically instead of horizontally.

A collection of humorous anecdotes from the world of education

>TEACHER: Maria, please can you find North America on the map.
>
>MARIA: Here it is.
>
>TEACHER: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
>
>CLASS: Maria.



>TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? ...

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

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Help! I'm lost at sea. I'm somewhere between America and Japan

I can't be anymore pacific

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God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

Why are there so many furries in America?

Because they have the right to have bear arms

In America, they have dear Jesus

In Canada, they have moose Zeus

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France

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In America, great big massive storms are called Hurricanes

In India they're called Cyclones

In Japan they're called Typhoons

In Britain they're called Wednesdays

In America, you listen to country

In Soviet Russia, country listens to you!

What's the difference between Thailand and America?

Thailand reunites boys with their families.

TEACHER: George go to the map and find North America.

George: Here is it!
TEACHER: Correct! now, class, who discovered North America?
Class: George!

Once, when I visited America I saw a Crab walking along the Pavement



Sorry I meant to say Sidewalk

He was Sidewalking along the pavement

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

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I Just quit drinking.

So an older man in Ireland is drinking in the pub and he orders three beers and dranks them all down. He orders three more and dranks those down. The bartender says "Hey you don't have too order three beers each time I can keep pouring you a cold one." The older man says "Well you see I have two bro...

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'Earth' without 'Art' is just 'Eh'.

Just like 'The United States of America' without 'heunedtatesam' is just 'Tits of Erica'.

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So there are reports of UFO sightings and alien abductions in North America right now

They're only abducting people with large penises. YOU guys don't have anything to worry about but I just wanted to say the spaceship is super cool on the inside.

In Britain they call it a "lift" but Americans call it an "elevator"

I guess we're just raised differently

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Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Edit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted.

Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real*...

What do you call a long piece of writing about America?

A U essay

Why do blonde change her baby's diapers once in a week?

Because the package says "up to 10 kilos".

A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English.

Upon reaching it, one of the first thing he did was go into a department store.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

“Quiero calcetines, (I want socks)" said the man.

“I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over ...

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China's economy is like America's pornography.

Cacheless.

So there is Ivan the Russian that always talk that he wish to go to America

One day he receive a letter of invitation from Putin.

He go to Putin's Palace, and the Russian President greet him.

"Ivan! My fellow compatriot! I heard you want to go away from your beautiful Motherland. Tell one thing wrong with this country, and I will pay the trip to Amerika!"
<...

The leaders of Russia, Syria, and America are arguing about who is the best at catching criminals.

The secretary-general of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and tells them they must catch it.

The American team goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive inve...

Just the way America does it

If the United States saw what the United States is doing in the United States, the United States would invade the United States to liberate the United States from the tyranny of the United States

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of...

After a group of scientists invented a tasteless orally ingestible Covid vaccine they had a meeting to decide which products would be best to put it in to get to finally get to 100% coverage in America.

Ranch dressing will get 98% and Horse dewormer paste to cover the last 2%

I have a friend from Vietnam I talk to every Friday night

I got to know him really well, he was fascinated with America and had really good English (and a good sense of humor) he told me “I don’t know what that “American Dream” is, but I know the European Dream is no America.”

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First visit to America as German guy!

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by.
She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"

I shouted back "DANKE!"

What do you call smart person in America?

A tourist.

As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

Prince Charles decides to visit Perth

The future King has not been getting a great reception in the United Kingdom so decides to go somewhere more remote. Not long after his arrival in Perth, he is walking down the Hay Street Mall with an interesting choice of head wear. A Davy Crocket style hat, real fox fur with the tail at the back, ...

Captain America loses his voice...

Captain America loses his voice due to a scheme concocted by Doctor Doom.

He tries everything. Dr Strange can't help because he doesn't detect any magic causing the problem. Reed Richards can't help, because the problem isn't explainable with science. After a barrage of failed attempts, even ...

Why does everybody hate America so much?

Because America doesn't murder its critics.

How does Coronavirus get to America?

It flies Delta

A recent study found that California has the highest rate of Depression and Infidelity in America.

It's a sad state of affairs.

What are smart people called in America?

Tourists.

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In America we call it "restroom" but in Britain they call it "toilet"

It's the same shit though

An American, An Indian, And A Russian Meet The Devil

An American, an Indian, and a Russian end up in Hell and plead to the Devil that they don't belong here. The Devil, bored, makes them an offer: "I will strike you 3 times with my whip, and if you survive, I'll let you go. You can use anything you want as a shield".

The American goes first. He...

What does Corporate America call a company with an all-white, all-male Board of Directors and an all-white, all-male Executive Team, except for one white lady who's the VP of HR and an Indian dude who's the CTO?

Diverse

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