“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”

In America, a compliment.

In the Middle East, an argument.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media

But every American knows that America is the best country in the world

A Native American Chief had three wives, all of whom were pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the th...

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey and the only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.<...

What's the difference between America and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will develop a culture

Went downtown for dinner with my wife last night

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having...

What do you call someone who speaks 2 languages?

Bilingual.
What do you call someone who speaks 3 languages?
Trilingual.
What do you call someone that speaks 1 language?
American.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First visit to America as German guy!

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by.
She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"

I shouted back "DANKE!"

Who can defeat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam.

So, I’m originally from Spain, and one the strangest things I discovered when moving to America was the was you hold your pens.

In Spain, we hold them straight up, whereas you hold them slightly on the side. I would always get weird looks when writing with my fountain pen. It’s not all that surprising.
After all, nobody expects the Spanish Ink Position.

A young woman was driving through a remote part of Texas when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback soon came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the
horse and they rode off.

The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would shout out a wild "Ye-e-e-e-e-ha-a-a-" so loud that it echoed off the surrounding hills.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local servic...

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does America say when the sea level rises?

Oh shit I lost my Keys

Yknow, sometimes I wonder why America decided to join the Vietnam war.

Then again, what else were they gonna do with an entire generation called “the baby boomers”.

America is really tackling its obesity problem

They are teaching kids in school to outrun bullets

What do you call a group of cows in America?

The United Steaks of America

What's the difference between a circus and the Miss America beauty pageant?

One is a cunning array of stunts.

What’s America’s favorite fruit?

Mmmmm peach!

Why are there so many public mass shootings in America?

Because the schools are closed for summer vacation.

The year is 2016. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are both travelling in the same plane. Plane comes crashing down. Who survives?

America.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

God couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

Why is Epic Games the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France

In America, dogs are K9.

In China, dogs are E10.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it so common to circumsize newborns in America?

They're taught from the youngest age to leave a tip

My friend told me that America has 50 states I said no

Scientists found out that Pluto isn’t a planet so we got 49 dumbass

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese man decided to retire and move to America after years of living in Shanghai.

A few days after moving in, the friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt, he decides to put the welcome on ho...

Why did Captain America wait so long to carry Thor’s hammer?

He didn’t wanna steal his thunder.

With all the bad things happenning in america right now,

you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do sex in a canoe and American beer have in common?

They’re both fucking close to water.

Four brothers moved to America, planning to learn English through immersion.

The first brother decided to learn by listening to the radio. He started on a classical/opera station and learned to sing, "Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!” The second brother jumped right in by getting a job at a restarunt and learned to say, "Forks and knives! Forks and knives!" The third brother, following t...

If America is really a free country..

How come no one has bought it yet?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America has Trump, a euphemism in the UK for fart.

The UK has Johnson, a euphemism in America for penis.

Together we have President Fart and Prime Minister Penis.

Free Speech - West vs East

A Russian diplomat and an American diplomat are discussing the differences between their two systems.

The American tries to make it easy for the Russian to understand the concept of free speech.

"Anytime I want", says the Yank, "I can walk right up to the top of the steps at Capital Hi...

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

What's the biggest difference between Americans and Europeans?

Americans think 100 years is a long time.

Europeans think 100km is a long distance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Captain America and a Grammar Nazi are working for a diamond mine

Captain America and a Grammar Nazi are working for a diamond mine, and they have a meeting with a consultant. The consultant tells them that the mine is flooding the market with too many cheap diamonds, and their income is dropping as a result.

Captain America says, "Well, if you're correct, ...

Healthy eagles come from America.

Ill eagles come from Mexico.

The average IQ of America rose by 3% today.

We’re happy to report the succesful birth of baby chimpanzee Pascal at the San Diego Zoo.

On second thought, maybe Communist America wouldn’t be such a bad idea...

We could all stand to lose a few pounds.

Why did James Corden move to America?

Because he wasn’t funny in England

Why has soccer suddenly become so popular in America?

If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I’d bring my friends to the bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Nazis were invading America...

The Nazis were invading America and people were panicking. As the troops approached a small American town, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde ran to hide. They came upon three trees and each climbed up a tree to hide.

The Nazis approached the first tree and kicked it, “what’s in this tree?” t...

Pretty soon the only way to abort a kid in America...

would be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.

Son; "Dad, which do you think is America's worst problem: ignorance or apathy?"

Dad; "Don't know. Don't really care, either."

You know what they call Fortnite in America?

They call it a quarter battle with cheese.

How much would Greenland pay to buy America?

Nothing. It's a free country.

Why hasn't America changed from lbs to kgs?

Because there would be mass confusion.

America hasn’t fully adopted the metric system yet…

… but believe me, we’re slowly inching towards it.

Since it the unemployment rate in America is at all time low...

A record amount of Americans are having trouble finding a third job.

In America,

Drinking age is 21

Voting age is 18

R-rated movies start at 17

Age of consent in most states is 16

Adult ticket prices start at 13

What's the difference between salmon and the American democracy?

Salmon can be cured.

What’s the difference between Switzerland and America?

In Switzerland, the cheese is filled with holes


In America, the kids are

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion!

An American and a Polish farmer are riding the train together through Europe.

Feeling hungry the Polish farmer pulls an apple out of his bag.

American asks:

\- What is that?

\-This? An apple.

\- Ha Ha! Apples in America are 3 times that size.

Some time goes by, Polish farmer wants another snack. He takes a carrot out of his bag.

Ameri...

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.



Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.



Parrots are like America. They blindly repeat anybody they...

How do you get America to enter a World War?

Tell them it's almost over

An American and a Chinese man are talking in a cafe. They’re engaged in a debate over their two systems of government.

The American says, “Look, our system might not be perfect, but we have freedom!”

The Chinese man asks, “Freedom to do what?”

The American responds, “Well, for one, I can go down to Washington DC, walk up to the President’s desk, and say ‘Mr. President, I don’t like the way you’re runni...

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

Person 1: God bless America.

Person 2: Why, did it sneeze?

What do you get when you cross Captain America and The Hulk

The Star Spangled Banner

Why do Mormons think Christ’s second coming will be in America?

Because they think he will end their Missouri.

I love summers in America!

We get 2 whole months without a school shooting!

Why doesn’t America have any knock knock jokes?

Because Freedom always Rings!

How many people speak Portuguese in South America?

A Brazilian!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most depressed and simultaneously sexually active place in America?

Oh I was hoping you would know... I've heard it's a sad state of affairs

America's almost finished switching to the metric system.

But they still have miles to go.

What does America have that Canada doesn't?

Nice neighbors.

How can you tell if someone is rich in America

When the verdict comes back not guilty

I finally got something that prevented my car from being robbed in America.

I bought a manual car.

Why is America overweight?

'Cus these colors don't run, brother!

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

“School” is my answer

When did America smell its best?

The Cologne-ial Period

The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run

I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are several distinct cultural differences between Australian and America. For example, Americans are really offended by the word cunt...

Conversely, Australians are really offended by schools being shot up.

Captain America and Peggy Carter finally share a kiss...

Peggy Carter: "That was good."

Steve Rogers: "Your niece thought so too!"

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

It's ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom...

... unless they're flashing behind you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby...

What's the difference between Thailand and America?

Thailand reunites boys with their families.

It’s sad that nothing is made in America anymore...

I just bought a new t.v. and it said “Built in antenna”
I don’t even know where that is!

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

What did America say to Britain when it fell over?

U.K.?

What's the best way to win a free trip to Central America?

Apply for asylum in the US

What was a popular condiment in ancient Central America?

Mayanaise.

Spaghetti with Meatballs isn't real Italian cuisine. It's made in America, posing as Italian cuisine.

Spaghetti with Meatballs is an **IMPASTA**!

Went to America and really fell into the culture.

A guy in the local gas station told me to "Have a nice day."


I didn't, so I sued him.

Why Americans don’t need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British

Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.

I’m in Britain and I have a friend in America. He keeps telling me he identifies as a large body of water.

He’s transatlantic.

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
 
“Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”
 
The clerk said, “Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!”
 
The man sai...

Shout out to America!

There's been no school shootings this year!

Have you heard about the studs in America?

They're big supporters of the wall.

My friend claims that Trump is singlehandedly bringing down America, but I disagree.

With hands that small, he probably has to use them both.

What did the father ant say to his son when they moved from america to france

Son, we are now Europeants.

Why is is that you only see bigfoot in America

Because you see bigmeters everywhere else

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