A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

As an American, I see a lot of jokes here saying that America is the dumbest country.

It's ridiculous and unfair.
Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country.

What's the difference between America and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone it will eventually develop culture.

Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time

Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.

What are smart people called in America?

Tourists.

Congratulations, America.

Two months without a school shooting.

An original joke by my 6 year old this evening. What is the largest number in South America?

A Brazilian!

In America, dogs are K9...

In China, dogs are E10.

From the current state of America. The movie Joker was

ahead of the curve

These days America has a lot in common with my wife's legs,

I'm dying for them to reopen.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese walks into a bar in America late one night and he saw Steven Spielberg.

As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Harbour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour...

What do you call smart person in America?

A tourist.

Three chinese friends moved to America

Their names were Bu, Chu and Fu. When they arrived, they decided to take american names. Bu changed his name to Buck, Chu changed his name to Chuck but Fu decided to move back to China.

America

JK we don't make fun of the disabled.

In a certain politician's dreams, Franklin Delano Roosevelt appears. The politician asks him "What can I do to make America great again?". FDR responds "Do everything for the people". The politician wakes up startled, and mutters "Lies!" under his breath. The next night,

George Washingon appears in the dreams of the politician.

He asks "What can I do to make America great again?", to which GW responds "Never tell a lie".

The politician wakes up startled, and curses under his breath.

The next night, Abraham Lincoln appears in the politician's...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It seems like nothing is made in America anymore! They keep outsourcing to cheaper and cheaper places.

I just bought a new TV and it said "built in antenna."

I haven't even heard of that shithole country!

Trump did make one thing about America great again!

The depression.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Polish man moves to America and marries an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following ...

The new backyard grill I got for Memorial Day weekend is actually assembled in America...

The box of components are imported, but I had to put it together myself in my garage.

The best computers are made in America

They have virtually no troubleshooting.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

How many people live in South America?

Bra-zillions

Why doesn't America use the metric system?

They have a foot fetish

Nearly every country in the world uses metric, except for America...

because America has a foot fetish.

America is #1 again.

We're literally sick of winning.

America has switched from pounds to kilograms

Adults used to average 160 pounds, now we average 160 kilograms.

Why America failed to save the world from Coronavirus



Thor is in Asgard

Ironman died

Captain is now old

Hulk doesn't have much power. Rest of the Avengers are suffering from Corona and China ate Spiderman and Batman.

Good news! There are well over 100 labs in America working on developing a vaccine.

Just wait til they get the German shepherds involved!

A man named Jose moved to America...

A man named Jose moved to America and the first thing he does is go to a baseball game because it seemed like a very American thing to do. When he got there he had to sit by the flag and there were many tall people in front of him. Suddenly everyone in the stadium turned toward him and sang, "Jo-ose...

Some Good News From America!

We're currently celebrating our longest stint without a mass shooting in 20 years!

So there's that.

An immigrant mother finally got her Visa to visit her adult son in America.

It's been years since they've seen each other, and after he joyfully picks her up at the airport, he brings her to his home, where his two children are playing.

"Oh," the mother says. "One child is black... and the other is red-haired." She paused. "They must be adopted... I thought you said ...

Why does America keep going in circles

Because they're all about their rights

"A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN"...

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge failure. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant. In Western Europe they didn't k...

Donald Trump, Joe Biden and Hillary Clinton are in a boat, and the boat sinks. Who is saved?

The United States of America.

“Murder hornets” have arrived in North America...

...I remember when they were killer bees.

America is having such bad lucky recently like it’s cursed!

It’s almost as if it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something...

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

Say what you want about America being on lockdown...

but school shootings are practically zero.

Trump: "America has the best curve in the world. It really is the greatest curve I've come up with. It is a beautiful curve." Fauci: "Mr. President, what are you doing?"

Trump: "What do you think, I'm flattering the curve."

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America just announced about an hour ago that we officially have the world's most confirmed COVID-19 cases.

\#1 AGAIN, bitches.

It's time now America brought their retired professionals back to sort out this virus mess...

Like doctors, nurses, Barack Obama. ..

When I was a boy, my dad told me the great thing about America is that anyone could be elected a governor, senator, or even the President!

I'm starting to believe him.

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France.

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

John goes fishing on a lake in America where it's usually illegal to go fishing.

He just filled up the bucket when he suddenly gets approached by a police officer.

"Mr. John, it's illegal to fish here" said the police officer "I'm going to have to fine you".

"You don't understand" said John "These are my fish."

The police officer is puzzled by this.

...

In America, the president's guards aren't allowed to say "get down, mr president"

They now need to say " Donald duck"

THE ECONOMY IS SO BAD...

How bad is it you ask?

So bad,

THAT....

My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

I saw a Mormon with only one wife.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer....

This time America was the best in flattening the curve

Thay just got confused between horizontally or vertically

A bee lives in America.

It's a USB.


.. Sorry guys.

Time zones are very confusing. Like it's may 2 in australia, may 1 in europe

and 1954 in america

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a an America college kid goes to Dublin for spring break.

And he’s out at the pubs, just getting shitfaced.
He goes back to the bathroom to take a leak, and this little guy goes up to the stall next to him. Guys got red hair, a red beard, wearing a green suit with a vest, jacket, whole thing. College dude is staring, so he sees this little guy whip out...

In America, anyone can become President.

That's the problem.

*^lovingly ^stolen ^from ^George ^Carlin.*

In America you cast your vote.

In India you vote your caste.

Trump says he will bring Jobs back to America;

The problem is he died on October 5th 2011, and I've never seen anyone brought back like that.

Coronavirus outbreak is actually good news for America.

School shooting incidents decrease drammatically in 2020.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First visit to America as German guy!

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by.
She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"

I shouted back "DANKE!"

At 18 a woman is like Africa

At 18 a woman is like Africa, wild and untamed.

At 28 a woman is like Asia, exotic and beautiful.

At 38 a woman is like America, flourishing and in the prime of life.

At 48 a woman is like Europe, exhausted but still has points of interest.

At 58 a woman is like Austra...

In China, film makers have to appease the Chinese censors, but people forget in America we have the same thing...

We also have to appease the Chinese censors.

Russian emergency !

Russian President Putin called President Trump with an emergency:

"Our largest condom factory has exploded," the Russian President cried.

"My people's favorite form of birth control. This is a true disaster!"

"Mr. Putin, the American people would be happy to do anything within t...

In Latin America, Valentine's Day is called “The Day of Love and Friendship”

Because you want love, but she wants friendship

A lot of people in America are obese. However, many people from Harvey Weinstein's circle are in decent shape.

Because they spent so long running from the truth.

An airplane was about to crash..

There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.
The 1st passenger said “I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can’t afford to die.” So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said...

A German man visits America for holiday.

The TSA officer asks: "Occupation?"

The man says: "No, only holiday!"

What does America have that Canada doesn't?

Nice neighbors.

In America, they call it Russian Roulette. In Russia,

We just call it roulette.

Time zones are weird - Australia is in 2020. America is in 2019..

Des Moines is in 1998, Alabama in 1865, Saudi Arabia 1576.

an old joke that comes from the 18th centuary

The united states of America

Somewhere in America: While driving, a man sees a job advert in Spanish.

He says: "Only in Spanish? That's discriminating against Canadians."

Why is America obsessed with money?

It was founded on checks and balances.

An Iranian on taking revenge on America ...

America has no hero that we can target... It's a huge country but no real heroes... Who are we going to assassinate there? Spiderman? SpongeBob?

Living in America now is kind of like browsing Reddit

You see something you really like and you go “Give that man some gold!”

Knowing damn well you’re not gonna be the one to do it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America buys a rocket from the Russians

As they start working on it, it stops working. They call the Russians and they say they will send their best technician.

The tech arrives and gives the rocket a look, presses a button and the rocket hums to life, ready for work. He gives the Americans the bill

"10k?!?! For a single but...

Getting injured in America is kinda like an arcade machine

You gotta input more money or you die.

Who can defeat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam.

I remember in America seeing this old hobo sitting at the roadside singing...

He was playing Give a Little Bit. I said that’s Supertramp. He said thank you very much sir.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If World War One were a bar fight.

Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recomm...

With all this tension between Iran and America and possible war a lot misinformation can be spread so I just wanted to remind everyone who shot first

Han.

A European tells an American a joke

European: Wanna hear a joke?

American: Sure.

European: Free Healthcare

American: I don't get it

European: I know.

It's a good thing Voldemort didn't attack America first

American muggles would be no-maj for him.

Say what you want about America,

But we have the best politicians that money can buy.

I'm in a bad place right now

Not mentally, just in america

So you're telling me that you're from the 5th largest country in South America?

I don't Bolivia

Wanna watch Mad Max: Fury Road in VR so realistic you'd swear it's real?

Go to America

In America, men bang women.

In Thailand, women Bangkok.

A wealthy and blind American businessman writes to his nephew in Soviet Russia asking him to come to America to help him with his business.

The nephew is called to NKVD headquarters as a result. The interrogator says, "Write to your uncle and ask him to close his company and come to the USSR. We will provide him with everything."

The nephew says, "I'm sorry but you didn't understand. My uncle lost his eyesight, not his mind."

The American Foundation for the Blind has done such good work for blind people across America

I really wish they could see what good they’ve done

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

A study of different American’s choice of sport

Now this is profound:

It is very interesting looking over data of different socioeconomic groups in America and the different types of recreation they partake in, and what it means about them as a group.

Poor people tend to play basketball.

Working Class tend to play football<...

100 years after Trump dies, he gets one day back in Earth.

Trump visits a bar and asks for a beer. "So how is it in the middle east?" he asks the bartender.

"Don't worry, we've taken care of it. It's all ours."

"How about China?"

"Nope. Doesn't exist anymore. All ours."

"Europe? Africa? South America?"

"It's all under us,"...

Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

What's the difference between Thailand and America?

Thailand reunites boys with their families.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen of England Was on a Tour...

...at one of America's finest hospitals when she passed a ward and spotted a male patient stroking the salami.

"My word, if that isn't the repulsive thing I've ever seen!" she gasped.

"I'm terribly sorry, Your Majesty," the doctor leading the tour said, "this patient has a serious cond...

Ban pre-shredded cheese

Make America grate again

They say Hillary Clinton is a criminal, a sore loser, and a traitor who hates America

Guess that means she deserves an extra big statue.

An older gentleman orders three shots - one for him, and one for each of his brothers back home in Ireland.

He explains to the bartender "I had to move to America to help my wife care for her in-laws, and I miss my family back home. So I'm having a shot here for my brother Seamus, and another for my brother Michael." He downs the three shots, makes a little more small talk with the bartender, and heads ...

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media

But every American knows that America is the best country in the world

Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.

"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?"

"Never tell a lie."

"I don't lie. Go away."

Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.

"Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"

"Listen to ...

I’ve never been a fan of dramas.

But the series finale of America is intense!

Trump just banned the import of any European cheese into America

How dairy.

What's the difference between black and white?

If you're white, you'll get Captain America.

If you're black, you'll get capped in America.

An Irishman walls into a bar in Dublin..

orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you...

A huge sinkhole has opened in America...

The authorities are looking into it.

Sabaton is going sightseeing.

After their most recent gig in America, Sabaton decides to go to New York for vacation and to go sightseeing.

After their expensive flight they discovered that they mostly went through all their money.

Deciding to see as much as they can with spending as little cash as possible they we...

Why are there so many public mass shootings in America?

Because the schools are closed for summer vacation.

So, I’m originally from Spain, and one the strangest things I discovered when moving to America was the was you hold your pens.

In Spain, we hold them straight up, whereas you hold them slightly on the side. I would always get weird looks when writing with my fountain pen. It’s not all that surprising.
After all, nobody expects the Spanish Ink Position.

3 Drunken southern men are asking for one more round of drinks

The bartender says “no way, look at how drunk you’ve become!”

The 3 drunk southerners keep insisting.

The bartender says “Alright, whoever can name the southern most state in America gets another drink.

The 1st drunk Shouts “TEXAS! it’s where most people in the world think of wh...

Shoe Store

When I was young my parents started up a shoe store, which wasn’t overly successful but they made ends meet. Due to various economic pressures they had to outsource labour overseas to China. My father, Bob, could speak Mandarin so always conversed with the manager of the production plant in their na...

How much oil did Christopher Columbus need to reach America?

3 Galleons.

A zombie is trying to get his kid to eat their dinner

"Eat your food, there's people in America with no brains at all"

Ten years after Donald Trump died, he's allowed one day on Earth

He goes into a bar, orders a beer and, eager to catch up with the events, asks to the bartender:

"So what's going on with Afghanistan now?"

"Oh don't worry about that, that's all ours now."

"China?"

"Nope, doesn't exist anymore. All ours."

"What about Europe?"
<...

There are immigrants who came to America and murdered the local population and stole jobs

and we call those immigrants the founding fathers.

If someone who speaks 3 languages is trilingual, and someone who speaks 2 languages is bilingual, what do you call someone who speaks 1 language?

American!

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