In America, dogs are K9.

In China, dogs are E10.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media.

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

God couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

With all the bad things happenning in america right now,

you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.

The year is 2016. Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are both travelling in the same plane. Plane comes crashing down. Who survives?

America.

Why do Americans still think they are in “The Greatest country in the world”?

When your citizens are 37th in the world in education, you can pretty much tell them anything.

A man goes to heaven, and to his surprise, he sees a huge wall covered in clocks.

A man goes to heaven, and after walking through the gates, he gets escorted to a waiting room. In the room, he sees a huge wall, covered in clocks. Each clock has only one hand, and each hand has a name written on it. Some clocks are moving rather slowly, while others go a full circle in less than t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There are several distinct cultural differences between Australian and America. For example, Americans are really offended by the word cunt...

Conversely, Australians are really offended by schools being shot up.

Pets are like countries.

Dogs are like Canada. They're incredibly friendly, but to some, to a naive degree.

​

Cats are like England. They're rude and act like they're better than everybody, but we find them so charming for some reason.

​

Parrots are like America. They bli...

It's ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom...

... unless they're flashing behind you.

How do you get America to enter a World War?

Tell them it's almost over

Imagine if Americans switched from pounds to kilograms overnight.

There would be mass confusion!

Americans always have something to complain about, then suddenly they'll move on. Remember when people were up in arms about cupcakes, bathrooms, statues, police, riots, clean water? So when you think this "Wall" thing will last forever, just remember...

People will eventually get over it.

Spaghetti with Meatballs isn't real Italian cuisine. It's made in America, posing as Italian cuisine.

Spaghetti with Meatballs is an **IMPASTA**!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is American beer like making love in a canoe?

It is fucking close to water.

Teacher: Maria, go to the map and find North America

Maria: Here it is.

Teacher: Correct. Now, Class, who discovered America?

Class: Maria

What’s the difference between America and cheese?

If you leave cheese by itself for 200 years, it grows a culture.

Where does Captain America go when he dies?

Chris Heavens

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Once there was a race of cats from all around the world. Many countries participated. America, Australia, England, and many others, including Somalia.

Everyone was sure the Somalian cat would lose. With hunger and malnutrition prevailing in the country’s people, there was no way the cat would be healthy enough to compete against the first world cats.

The race started, and surprisingly enough, the Somalian cat won by a thin margin with the ...

Why Americans don’t need to feel bad when they are criticized by the British

Sometimes I hear people from Great Britain talk about how bad the education is in The US. I do get a little offended, but then I realize they are just salty because we beat them in The Civil War.

What does America have that Canada doesn't?

Nice neighbors.

Why is is that you only see bigfoot in America

Because you see bigmeters everywhere else

What do you call the Hulk when he picks up Captain America's shield?

The Star Spangled Banner

In America moosehead is a beer,

In Canada moosehead is a misdemeanor.

The American school system is very disorganised and poorly run

I guess school really does prepare you for the real world

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Syrian refugees compete to see who can become the most American in three weeks

After three weeks the Syrians meet again at McDonald's the first Syrian makes his case for him being more American by saying: "Every day I have taken my son to softball practise and my daughter to ballet. I just purchased my first car and it's Chevy El Camino. I've recently started listening to Toby...

What is America’s future largest export?

Unwanted babies

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 europeans come to America. They all get captured by native americans and they want to kill them.

But the europeans beg to have their lives spared. The native americans agreed to not kill them on one condition: the europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit and they will be informed what to do with it. So the first guy comes back with a peach. The native american says "Shove it up ...

[Spoilers] Captain America could always

Lift mjolnir, he just didn’t want to steal Thor’s thunder.

Shout out to America!

There's been no school shootings this year!

As an Aussie, Americans are always asking me where in Australia there *isn’t* something trying to kill you...

“School” is my answer

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

​

My friend claims that Trump is singlehandedly bringing down America, but I disagree.

With hands that small, he probably has to use them both.

It’s sad that nothing is made in America anymore...

I just bought a new t.v. and it said “Built in antenna”
I don’t even know where that is!

In America, what do you call someone who barges into your house with a gun demanding you hand over your stuff?

A police officer.

What did Captain America order at Starbucks?

One Iced Americano.

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why is America and Russia participating in a Second Cold war?

Because according to our greatest leaders, this is how you address global warming

What's the difference between Thailand and America?

Thailand reunites boys with their families.

If America had stayed out of the Vietnam war

It would have been a Nguyen-Nguyen situation

A redneck introduces his new neighbor to America

"We love to bomb other countries, we're very sensitive about our religion and down here it's normal to marry your cousin."

"I'm sure you'll fit right in Mohammed!"

An old lady walked into the Bank of America with a huge bag of money.

****Long Post ahead but You will definitely smile at the end! :)****

She told the receptionist that she would like to meet the president of the bank as she wanted to deposit a large sum of money. The receptionist objected but the old lady wouldn’t move, so with no option left she went inside ...

America is like a game of chess.

Black always goes second.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A French man moves to America and begins looking for a job.

He walks into a bakery to meet with the owner. The owner is hesitant to hire him because his English is really poor, so he decides to try and find an excuse to not hire the man.

“Okay, I’ll hire you only if you can express to me the number 9 without using numerals or letters.”

And the ...

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

Why is america at an disadvantage at chess?

Because they are missing two towers.

How cold is the coldest country in South America?

I don't know but it's probably very Chile.

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
 
“Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”
 
The clerk said, “Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!”
 
The man sai...

President Donald Trump and his bodyguard take a train ride around America.

Trump says “You know, Bobby, I’ve learned a ton about the people in my years in office. I can identify the state we’re in just by sticking my hand out!”

“I honestly doubt that, sir.” Bobby replies.

Trump opens the window, sticks his hand out, and pulls it back in a second later.
...

Only America’s dogs have 4 feet.

Dogs all over the rest of the world have 1.22 meters.

The Dyslexia Association of America held an organization-wide toga party.

Everyone came dressed as goats.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm running for President of the United States of America in 2020 as part of the Penis Party.

So far I only have 1 member.

A young chinese boy has been having a tough time ever since he moved to America

A young chinese boy has been having a tough time ever since he moved to America. He could barely speak English, was socially awkward and was constantly bullied at school. His mother, his only family, was in the hospital with a rare illness. The nurse taking care of his mother was the most beautiful...

Did you hear Donald Trump is outlawing string cheese?

Yeah, I guess he wants to make America grate again.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did America remove the U from colour?

because fuck u thats why

After america has been made great again Trump got a new slogan

"American't be better"

Why would America choose the bold eagle as their national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away?

Oh, right...

Guy moves to America, just learning English, gets cut off in traffic and yells 'E# Female Sheep'

buddy in the car goes, um, no, it's f u

In America, prison reform is a political issue.

In Russia, political reform is a prison issue.

I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.

Surely 240 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.

Why don’t they tell knock knock jokes in America?

Because Freedom Rings!

A Chinaman come to America looking for a job.

A local hardware store owner wants to prove he isn’t racist so he hires him.

After he hires him, the business owner asks the Chinaman what skills the he has.

“Nah much mister, mah Engrish nah bery Gud.”

The business owner tells him to go work in the supplies department.
<...

Why were the British salty about losing America?

They got tea-bagged

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France.

Three brothers moved to America from China.

The brothers names were Chu, Bu, and Fu. These brothers decided they wanted more American sounding names so they went to City Hall to change them.

Chu decided to go by Chuck, Bu decided to go by Buck, and Fu went back to China.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese businessman goes golfing while on a trip in America

When he returns to his co-workers in Japan, they ask him about his trip.

"In America, they have strange game. You hit little white ball over great green field. Try to get in tiny little hole."

"What is this game called?" his co-workers ask.

"I think it's called...."Oh Shit."

A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel..

...to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.

The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"

He decided to go a...

Osama bin Laden rated America.

He gave us a 9/11.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Have you heard about the documentary on an average cops view of a black man in america

Pokemon: Gotta Catch em all

I just got deported by the government of Austria due to my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions, and all the flights to America are full.

Don't worry, I'll just get to the helicoper

Americans won't get this

Healthcare

An American and a Russian are talking

The American says to the Russian, "I feel bad for you folks. You don't have any freedom. In my country, I can march right up to the White House, walk right into the Oval Office, pound my fist on the president's desk and say 'Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running the United States.'"
...

What’s the difference between America and Ethiopia

There’s Ethiopian food in America

Did you know there are so many lawyers in America that if you lined them up side by side

They would reach all the way into each other’s pockets.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Submarines in the Atlantic

One day in the Atlantic, two subs surface next to each other. Out of one, an ancient Soviet rustbucket, emerges a rowdy crew that is clearly drunk. On the other, a sleek American sub, cleancut American crewmen stand at attention.

The heavily-bearded Soviet captain begins screaming at his men:...

Why do native Americans hate April?

Because April showers bring May flowers and Mayflowers bring white people

Did you hear? Being the greatest business man and genius that he is, Donald Trump will be fixing the most original flaw of this great nation. And it will finally be known as America:

Land of the Fee! (Conditions may apply)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The current situation in America reminds me of a porn video i watched

Where everyone gets fucked but nobody gets paid

In capitalist America...

Bank robs you!

I don't know how many tigers there are in South America

But I'm sure there are ocelots

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