A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

Why does everybody hate America so much?

Because America doesn't murder its critics.

What comes after the United States of America?

USB

Why aren't there any knock knock jokes about America?

'cause Freedom rings

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

What are smart people in America called?

Tourist

What’s the one problem that everyone from Asia, Africa, North America, South America, Antarctica, Europe, and Australia have in common?

Living within continents.

How do you express criticism of Israel in America?

\[redacted\]

Popeye is seen as iconic in America, but how is he viewed in Finland?

Oh, he's strong to the Finnish...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blur...

A German man on his first trip to America decides to see New York City.

As he's wandering around the smell of corned beef and fresh baked rye bread draws him into a Kosher deli. The man sits at the counter, eyes the menu and says, "I vood like to try ze bagel and ze lox." In a thick accent.

On his first bite he's throughly enjoying his food and pipes up to the gu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese couple is visiting America for the first time

When they arrive at the airport, it's just past dawn. The girlfriend, who doesn't speak any English, says in her native tongue "Good morning!"

To which the boyfriend tells her "No, babe, this is Nebraska."

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a local college dance, a guy from America asks a girl from Sweden to dance....

While they are dancing, he gives her a little squeeze, and says, “In America,

we call this a hug.”

She replies, “Yaah, in Sveden we call it a hug too.”

A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call

this a kiss.”

She replies, “Yaah...

What's the difference between two full time employees in America and a lasagne?

A Lasagne can feed a family of four.

Who found America?

Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.

Maria: This is it.

Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?

Class: Maria did.

America is getting old

it can't get a good election

America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam

It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.

In America police dogs are K9

In China they are E10.

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying t...

I’m American, and I’m sick of people saying America is “the stupidest country in the world.”

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

What‘s the difference between America and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 300 years, it will grow a culture.

A french man and his wife go shopping in America

As they are walking down the aisles, she is placing items in bags for them to buy. He is mindlessly walking behind her while she does so, he is missing the simple pleasures of France.
She stops and looks at her husband and holds up a loaf of bread. "Honey, do we need bread? Should I put it in a ...

I just finished my latest underground movie. It's about a young man who rides a motorcycle naked across America's roughest roads.

I call it "Uneasy Rider".

What do you call a white drug abuser in america

A politician

A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English.

Upon reaching it, one of the first thing he did was go into a department store.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

“Quiero calcetines, (I want socks)" said the man.

“I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over ...

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

Why doesn't Captain America like Indian restaurants?

Because they serve Hyderabadis!

Which setting does Captain America search for in his Android Settings?

Language!

How many people live in South America?

At least one Brazilian

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

Just the way America does it

If the United States saw what the United States is doing in the United States, the United States would invade the United States to liberate the United States from the tyranny of the United States

Congratulations, America.

Zero school shootings so far this year.

Americas covid numbers are only because the population is so dense

There are also a lot of people in certain locations

Could you image if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight?

There would be mass confusion!

Captain America asks Iron Man "How much did it cost to kill your parents?"

One buck.

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media

When every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

Why doesn’t America want to play Chess with the UK?

They are down two towers already and the UK has a unkillable queen

There is currently a tomato ketchup shortage in America

If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?

A man is checking in for a flight from Russia to America.

Airport staff check his suitcase and see that he only has a bottle of vodka and a knife.

They ask him: is this all your luggage?

He replies: if I had something else, I would not go to America.

Did you hear Harry has moved to America to start a painting career?

He's now the artist formerly known as prince

What's the real reason Prince Harry loves America?

When he goes to a strip bar, he doesn't have to tuck a picture of his grandmother in the girl's G-strings.

A political door-to-door poller asked me how I would feel about America moving further to the right.

I said "Well, if nothing else, it'll make flights to Europe shorter."

Americas curve is flattening alright.

Just vertically instead of horizontally.

Why is America cursed

It was built on an ancient Indian burial ground

Why can’t a girl living in America be buried in Canada?

Because she is still alive

America truly is the land of the free.

Said my brother, who was arrested for nothing

A Yiddish speaking newcomer to America took his pregnant wife to the hospital, but during the delivery, when he found out they were twins, he fainted.

He didn't regain consciousness for a few days so his brother was brought in to help name the children.

"My brother named my kids?!" he exclaimed when he woke up. "But my brother is illiterate! And he can't even speak any English. Okay, so what did he name the girl !?"

"He named her Den...

The Pope is visiting America

The Pope is visiting America and is being driven around in a limousine. He strikes up a conversation with his chauffeur and says “Did you know that when you become Pope, they don’t let you drive anymore?”
The chauffeur shrugs and the Pope continues, “I really miss being able to drive. Do you thin...

I want my 11780 dollars.

Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.

American guy walks into a bar

An American guy walks into a bar, he has a big beautiful, colorful, parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender says “Wow! That thing awesome, where’d you get it?’

The parrot says “In America, they got millions of ‘em!”

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russ ...

As a Syrian, I don't know why America is taking so long to get a definitive result from their election.

We know our results months in advance!

This is America,why don't you learn to speak English!!

Karen yelled at a group of Scots.

In America you call people who marry their cousins hillbillys

In Europe we call them Royals

I hate when people say Trump never does good things for America

He recently left office, which was the greatest thing for America.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the future Mexico became the wealthies, most transparent, most peaceful, most progressive, most developed and most prosperous nation in the Americas while the US became a 3th world shithole.

As such many Mexicans decided to move back to Mexico but among them there were also Americans trying to emmigrate. As such the border checks were supposed to make sure that those going in Mexico were Mexicans and not American immigrants.


A man aproaches the border and is asked: "What's yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America wants to repay its soldiers after the Afghanistan war.

After the Afghanistan war was over, America decided that every soldier can choose a certain part of their body to be measured, and they will get as many thousands of dollars as the lenght of that body part.


First soldier wants to be paid his hight. He will be measured from the tip of his ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Old Lady Who Makes Bets

A little old lady went into the headquarters of the Bank of America one day, carrying a large bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because "It's a lot of money!"



The receptionist objected, stating, "You can't just wa...

You've heard the expression 'tit for tat'?

Well I've got more than enough [tat](https://dictionary.cambridge.org/amp/english/tat). Anyone know where to go to trade it in for my reward?

^Edit: ^was ^not ^aware ^'tat' ^was ^a ^British ^term, ^sorry ^America

Some might say america is a dumpster fire right now

But that's not true because a dumpster fire can actually give a homeless person a source of heat

I guess half of America are whistle-blowers this morning

Cause we're all Snowden

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any ...

Two poor men dream of going to America

They hear of American food and how great it is and, in particular, the hotdog.

So they work hard and save their money for many years before finally traveling to America. Upon arriving, they immediately run off the boat and to the nearest hotdog stand. Eagerly, they throw their money at the st...

Do you think America's gone nuts?

Nah. They've gone coup coup.

Nice to see America keeping its tradition

Of launching a coup in a third world country.

Today should be a holiday honoring all the truckers who have kept America going during the Covid epidemic.

A big 10-4, if you will.

They say America is a great big melting pot...

But nobody bothered to mix it

Why did the dyslexic association of America stop having their meetings at the YMCA?

They all showed up at Macys.

A foreign family is about to travel to america

The parents told the kids to say bye to the friends they will miss. The older son then threw himself down a flight of stairs, in the hospital, when he was asked why he did it, he said

"Just saying goodbye to free healthcare"

I went to Bank of America to deposit a check, and they asked me for ID.

I said, “Are you telling me other people are trying to put money into my account and you’re telling them no?”

Smartest president

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes.

The 1st passenger said, 'I am LeBron James, the best NBA basketball player. The Lakers and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die.' So he took the 1st pack and left the plane.

The 2...

Why does america always score top on shooting in the Olympics?

Because we train in the best schools.

An African man visits his friend in the US

“I just flew in yesterday” the African man says “And boy are my arms tired!”

“You know, that’s kind of an old joke here in America” replied his friend.

“Joke?” The African man said. “I’ve been holding my hands in the air yelling ‘don’t shoot’ ever since I got to this damn country”.

Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America. Panic stricken, the local sheriff mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the disaster was clear. The aircraft was totally destroyed with only a burned hull left smouldering in a tree line that bordered a farm.

The sheriff and his men entered the smoking mess but did not find the remains of anyone, including the President. They spotted a lone farmer ploughing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to the man's tractor.

"Hank," the sheriff yelled, panting and out of...

You have to be from Hong Kong to get this joke.

My dad's coworker, Joachim, was applying for a visa to travel to America at the U.S. Consulate in Hong Kong. The immigration officer interviewing him ask where in the U.S. he was planning to stay.

"San Jose" , he answered.

The immigration officer corrects him that in the U.S. they pr...

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said yes!

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two FBI agents who knew sensitive classified info went to a conference in Russia...

Turns out, the conference was really long and *really* boring; almost to the point the agents got mad, so when it was over, they decided to go to a nearby nightclub for some drinks and fun.

They had just ordered their drinks and started drinking up when two incredibly gorgeous Russian women c...

If Darth Vader lived in America, where would he live?

The Empire State Building

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America has founding fathers

Porn hub has pounding fathers

A Swiss man goes to America

(This joke can be told using any nationality you want to make fun of, I’m telling it how my Swiss relatives told it to me)

A Swiss man is driving on the highway in America. At one point, he rear-ends an American car and they both pull over. The American walks over to the Swiss man, yelling ab...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Polish man moved to America and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. Until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick." The lawyer said that the speed for getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Trump keep fucking america?

Because it's cheaper than fucking his wife.

After many years in America, the local Korean owner of a convenience store was asked how it was that his name is Patrick Murphy.

When I come to America, there was long line of immigrants from all over the world. When immigration officer ask man in front of me where he comes from & what his name he tell him, " I'm from Ireland & my name is Patrick Murphy!" Then immigration officer writes his name down and tells him to ...

Y’all are nuts- Trump TOTALLY made America great again.

So what if he had to lose an election for that to happen.

How do we know America is Queer?

You've never heard of anyone celebrating a straight-centinial, have you?

There is a coin shortage in America

They are officially out of Common Cents

I've never seen America this divided before...

People can't even agree on what year it is right now

What do you get when you cross Captain America and Thor?

A Chris-cross

What's the difference between a product made in Mexico and a product made in America?

One is made by a Mexican, while the other is made by a Mexican immigrant.

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida. They settle in a small little house. The neighbors are a little skeptical, being their race and all, so they keep an eye out on their plot for a few days. To his suprise, he sees that the family is one of th...

It is unbelivable what is going on in America! It's treason!

Who would ever think that Kim will leave Kanye?

It’s amazing how popular Instagram is in America.

Didn’t think they liked the metric system.

America failed No Nut November,

This election featured the two biggest nuts in recent US history.

The Foreigner

(Not my joke but I wanted your opinion on it.)

A foreigner new to America landed a job at a factory. His brother who had been here for a while taught him how to say apple pie and coffee so he could get lunch. After a couple of weeks, he wanted something different so his brother taught him to ...

A lot of weird stuff is going on in America at the moment...

It's like America is built on an ancient Indian burial ground or something.

A joke told by President Putin

A soviet era joke....

An American spy goes to Lubyanka and says:

" I’m a spy and I want to turn myself in."

" Who do you work for?", asks the receptionist.

"America."

"OK, go to room 5."

He goes to room 5 and says:

" I’m an American spy. I want to tu...

Trump and Biden are trapped on island. Who survives?

America

So many items are no longer made in America..

I just bought a new tv and the box said “built in antenna”...

I don’t even know where that is!

Under Kennedy, America went to the moon...

Under Trump, America can't even get to Canada.



Much love from Toronto, stay safe!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Asian man goes on a trip to America

He goes to an American Bank to converts his money to dollars, while going through his trip he meets a generous old friend who decides to let him stay in his place and also pay for his expenses during his stay.

After a few days he decides to return back to his country and heads to the bank to...

If there’s one very thing that I’ve learned during this unprecedented week of events in America...

It’s that I have the same coffee mug as Nancy Pelosi.

Timezones are crazy

Its May 2 in Australia and May 1 in America and still 1600 in the middle East.

A group of foreign computer peripheral manufacturers, unhappy with tariffs placed on their products by the United States, plans on starting their own country, which will compete with America.

They will call it USB.

Trumpty Dumpty

Trumpty Dumpty promised a wall

Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the golf courses and all the white men

Couldn't Make America Great Again

America...

the only place where you can go to a World Championship game with only one nation competing against themselves

An original joke by my 6 year old this evening. What is the largest number in South America?

A Brazilian!

There was a multiple choice history quiz about the states of America.

I went through questions like “Which state is known for fudge?” The answer was A: Michigan. I went through those questions and I got to question 10.

Which state’s capital is Nashville?
A: New York
B: Alabama
C: Tennessee
D: California

I knew this answer. Ten is C.

Breznev and Nixon make a bet:

Breznev says: "In 2000 the entire world will be communist." Richard say he'd match that bet and predicts that the world would be entirely capitalist by 2000. They deep-freeze themselves.

In 2000 they are unfrozen. They go to a short wave and tune into "Voice of America": "... The central com...

An american soldier was talking to a soviet soldier.

The american says, "the great thing about America is that we have freedom of speech! For instance, I can go right into the white house, walk up to president Reagan and say, "Mr. President, I completely disagree with the way you are running this country!" The soviet soldier responds, "so what? I can ...

An America couple was being shown around Moscow one day, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.

“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.

“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.

“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.

Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.

“Let’s not fight about it!...

97.62% of the world's population has accepted climate change as a scientific fact.

The rest of them are in North America.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

American beer

American beer is like having sex on a canoe
- fucking close to water

Marry Christmas from Switzerland

There are immigrants who had came to America, stolen jobs and murdered the local population

and we call those immigrants the founding fathers

If Kanye West actually won the US Election and became the president, I think he would turn America into a communist nation.

Because he believes no one man should have all that power.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Today I learned that MacDonald's was founded by two brothers

named Mac and Dick. The most famous sandwich in America was that close to being called the
Big Dick

The Dean of the College of the Cardinals was at his wits end

The conclave had been contentious, and no clear leader emerged after many days of bickering. He needed a break, and was resting in his private office when there was a gentle rap at the door.

"What is it? Is there word of a new Pope?"

"Not exactly, sir."

"Who is it that disturbs...

I used to be the worst player on my football team but then I moved to America

Now I’m the worst on my soccer team

A old nun was telling a new nun what it will be like being a nun in South America. She was telling her about all the fresh fruit that they have. Then she said farther down south they have bananas this big |.........|

The new nun responded Father who?

One day there were three grave robbers searching through a graveyard in Central America

They came across an Ancient Mayan temple which had three doors. the first grave robber walker up to the first door and looked inside, he saw a black pedestal with nothing on it, and in the back of the room there were piles of gold and riches, so he walked in and grabbed a handful of gold, but as he ...

Mother and son

Mother: Who do you like more, me or your dad.

Liam: I like you both.

Mother: Ok, if I go to america and your dad goes to paris, where will you go

Liam: I will go to paris.

Mother: That’s means you like dad more

Liam: No, its because i like paris

Mother...

Once an American, a French and an Indian were travelling in an airplane.

To find out where they have reached, the American stretched his hand out of the plane and said, "We have reached America".

The other two asked how for which he replied,"Well my hand hit the Statue of Liberty".

Next the French stretches his hand out and said,"We have reached France"....

Hot Dogs in America

Two immigrants have just arrived in the United States and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigr...

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

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