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America Jokes

Why doesn't America parade its new military hardware and tanks down main street like other countries?

Because they prefer to parade it down main street IN other countries.

America seems to have successfully prevented a second wave of corona

By keeping the first one going

A Canadian visits America...

... and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger.

The stranger says, "give me all your money and I'll let you live!"

The Canadian replies gleefully, "Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!"

What's the difference between Thailand and America?

Thailand reunites boys with their families.

I'm American, and I'm sick of hearing that America is the stupidest country in the world.

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world...

Name one superhero that can beat Captain America...

Captain Vietnam

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Looks like Trump is keeping up Michelle's ideals of getting America fit again.

One day in office and he has thousands of people getting up and going out for walks on this beautiful Saturday morning.

Edit: Yes, yes MILLIONS. I wasn't sure if those sources were true or not when I posted.

Also, the spam from the Trump people is great. I feel like I'm on the *real*...

A Chinese doctor cant find a job in a hospital in America, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads "GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 14 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, yo...

What does the H in America stand for?

Healthcare

A British tourist visits a brothel in America [NSFW]

Shameless repost of a classic, relevant today.

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to California finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a lit...

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

America sure is having some bad luck

It's almost like it was built on an ancient Indian burial ground.

What's the difference between america and a bottle of milk?

In 200 years the milk will have developed a culture

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

Muslims in America

[removed]

America won the war against COVID the same way they won the war against Vietnam

It got too expensive and they just declared it was over.

A Russian spy infiltrated in America is arrested

A Russian spy under the alias of “Joe Smith” is arrested by American officials. He is put in an interrogation room and confronted by an official, Agent Perry.

Smith: “I don’t understand, why am I being interrogated?”

Perry: “Drop the act, Smith, if that even is your real name. We know ...

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First visit to America as German guy!

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by.
She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"

I shouted back "DANKE!"

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A British spy goes undercover in America and tries to infiltrate the political ranks.

To get into politics, he has to pass an oral exam.


Examiner: When did the USA gain independence?
Spy: July 4, 1776


\- Good. How many continents are there?
\- Easy peasy, seven.
\- Damn, you're good. Which continent is Turkey in?
\- Technically, Turkey...

America is going to suffer if Donald Trump becomes president.

You could say they are going toupée for it.

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border.

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

Why did Australia get all the criminals while America got all the puritans?

>!Because Australia won the coin toss!<

When the pope was visiting America

He told the driver of his limo that he had the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man and would not ever dream of questioning the Pope’s authority. So the Pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.

They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80km/h, ...

In America, dogs are K9...

In China, dogs are E10.

Americas curve is flattening alright.

Just vertically instead of horizontally.

Nothing is built in America these days. I just bought a TV and it said “Built In Antenna”

I don’t even know where that is!

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Why did America remove the "u" from "colour"?

Because fuck u

that's why

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

As the KKK are so full of hate, bigotry and want to rid America of others...

Should we call them Vanilla Isis ?

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The director of one of America's finest hospitals is showing the President around the hospital.

In one room, the President sees a male patient masturbating furiously. "What's that guy doing?" he asks.

"He has a very rare condition," responds the director. "He produces semen way too quickly. If he doesn't masturbate at least thrice a day, his testicles will explode."

In the next r...

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What's the difference between America and Canada?

The Americans have really nice neighbors.

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A Russian immigrant comes to America, works hard...

... and is able to buy for his very first home: a condominium apartment. He throws an all night party with his friends to celebrate. One of his guests notices a hammer and a large metal pot next to one of the walls.

“What is that for?” he asks.

The Russian says “That is my talking A...

How do you get America to enter a World War?

Tell them it's almost over

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Why foreign students are not welcomed in America.

It was the first day of school in the USA and a new Indian student named Chandra Subramanian entered the 4th grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History.

Teacher :- Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death'?"

She saw a sea of blank faces except f...

85%of people in America don't know basic math.

Thanks God I'm from the other 25%

America should go 4 years with no president after this term ends.

Taking some time to be single after an abusive relationship is really important.

Paddy was coming back from his holiday in America.

As he came through Customs, he had two sacks over his shoulder. The Customs officer asked him what he had in the sacks? Paddy replied Mobile phones.

The customs officer didn't believe him and asked to be shown. Paddy opened each sack and sure enough both sacks contained quite a few phones. "W...

America is racist

When Barack Obama gives his speech, he stands behind a bulletproof glass . That shows how racist America still is.

Just because he's black, doesn't mean he's going to shoot anyone



Thanks Frankie Boyle

Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight...

There would be mass confusion.

A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel...

...to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.

The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"

He decided to go ask his ...

In America Martin Luther King only gets one day....

And sharks get a whole week.


It's probably because they are great whites.

What is the holiest city in the United States of America?

Toledo

What do you call smart person in America?

A tourist.

TIL America has more museums than Starbucks and McDonald's combined.

Starbucks and McDonald's have a combined total of 0 museums.

In America, "five finger discount" means you're shoplifting

In Saudi Arabia, "five finger discount" means you got caught shoplifting.

What’s the largest city in America?

Obesity

America vs Russia

An American and a Russian are arguing about freedom in their respective countries. The American says proudly: “I can walk into the Oval Office anytime, I can pound the president's desk, and I can say, Mr. President, I don't like the way you're running our country."

The Russian replies nonchal...

What do you call intelligent people in America?

Tourists.

What do you call a bee that lives in America?

A USB.

As a British man, it’s clear that America does pretty much everything wrong, from their measurements to their politics, except for one small thing:

Unlike us, Americans drive on the right side of the road.

America is a free country.

Free to Play, but Pay to Win.

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America is so racist and homophobic

That people even want their teeth to be straight and white.

What's the oldest red wine in America?

"Give us back our land!"

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Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

God couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

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What’s the difference between Barbie and Oppenheimer?

Barbie product first manufactured in Japan and released in America.
Oppenheimer product first manufactured in America and release in Japan.

Trump and Biden are trapped on island. Who survives?

America

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by their government and the media.

But I know that can't possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

Just the way America does it

If the United States saw what the United States is doing in the United States, the United States would invade the United States to liberate the United States from the tyranny of the United States

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America won't participate if a 3rd world war happened....

.. it's a first world country.

Around 80% of all Asians that move to America get cataracts.

The remaining 20% usually buy chevrorets, rexus, or rincoln. Some even get rand lover.

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Two arabs come to america.

They make a bet who would be the most "americanized" in a year.

After this year, one brother says, "i just dropped my kids off at baseball and we're having mcdonald's later".

The other brother says, "fuck off, towelhead!"

Healthcare in America is just so outrageously expensive.

I mean... this diabetes is going to cost me an arm and a leg!

Every 4th of July, America sends Britain a locket with a little tiny picture of the United States in it. They want to remind the crown that America is still...

(•_•)

( •_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■)

In *da* pendent

Did you hear that the US bobsled team put Donald Trump's picture on the front of the sled?

Apparently nobody else can make America go downhill faster.

What does America have that Canada doesn't?

Nice neighbors.

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A Russian moves to America

(Mild swearing at the end)

A young man from the depths of Siberia, Dmitri, moves to America hoping to start a new life. He buys a nice apartment, lives comfortably and integrates himself into the community, as a fine, upstanding citizen of New York.

6 or 7 months later, his old friends...

People in North Korea are so brainwashed by the government and the state controlled national news thinking their country is great. Outsiders know better.

That is why I am glad to live in the greatest country in the world, The United States of America.

It's ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom...

... unless they're flashing behind you.

In America you call people who marry their cousins hillbillys

In Europe we call them Royals

Congratulations, America.

Zero school shootings so far this year.

An African man visits his friend in the US

“I just flew in yesterday” the African man says “And boy are my arms tired!”

“You know, that’s kind of an old joke here in America” replied his friend.

“Joke?” The African man said. “I’ve been holding my hands in the air yelling ‘don’t shoot’ ever since I got to this damn country”.

I survived the most dangerous place in America...

And all I got was this lousy diploma

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A man with a penis growing on his forehead visits the doctor, worried.

"Doctor, I have a penis growing on my forehead!"

The doctor examines the situation, sits the man down and asks, "Have you been to South America?"

"South America? No, not at all!"

The doctor responds, "You should go, they have stunning beaches and beautiful girls there.” Then ask...

Why are there no knock knock jokes about America?

Cause' freedom rings

I want my 11780 dollars.

Dear Bank of America, I just want to find 11780 more dollars in my savings account.Everyone at your bank counted wrong.

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Kim Jong-un of North Korea has said he's going to destroy America

So Trump was livid saying "That's MY job, and I'm not going to just stand by and see an Asian snatch away another American job."

If Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are in a boat and it capsizes. Who survives?

America.

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

what's the most depressing place to live in America?

Missouri

when you visit America, what will the temperature of the water be?

It depends what state it's in

Two major banks from Mexico and America are merging next month

They're calling the new company CapitalJuan

Under Kennedy, America went to the moon...

Under Trump, America can't even get to Canada.



Much love from Toronto, stay safe!

If Donald Trump, Rudy Giuliani, Bill Barr, Stephen Miller, and Jared Kushner we're on Air Force One together and the plane were to suddenly crash, who would survive?

The United States of America.

Mohammad, a child of Arab parents was enrolled in a school in New York. On the first day, his teacher asked, ‘What is your name?’ The boy replied, ‘Mohammad’.

‘From now on your name is Harry as you are in America,’ she said.

In the evening, when he came back, his mother asked, ‘How was your day Mohammad?’ He said, ‘My name is not Mohammad. I’m in America and my name is Harry.’ His mother slapped him and said angrily: ‘Aren’t you ashamed of trying t...

A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English.

Upon reaching it, one of the first thing he did was go into a department store.

He found his way to the menswear department where a young lady offered to help him.

“Quiero calcetines, (I want socks)" said the man.

“I don't speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over ...

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There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing.

On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport.

During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, “Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!”

After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Jap...

If you insist on making America like Russia in the 1980's...

SO VI ET...

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The United States and Britain are having a competition on who can fuck themselves up the most.

Britain is in the lead, but America has a Trump card.

Fidel Castro said he wouldn't die until America was destroyed.

Well, looks like he died 17 days after.

I’m halfway to becoming the America’s first autistic Navy SEAL…

Now I just need to start the process of becoming a Navy SEAL!

America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year

than a professional athlete earns in a whole day.

Trumpty Dumpty

Trumpty Dumpty promised a wall

Trumpty Dumpty had a great fall

All the golf courses and all the white men

Couldn't Make America Great Again

400 years ago, England sent their criminals to Australia and puritans to America

Sounds like Australia got the better deal

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A Jew living in Soviet Russia writes a letter to his relative in America.

*Roza, food is so expensive here, you won't believe it. A chicken costs 5 rubles. Can you imagine? 5 rubles for a chicken.*

The next day, he gets a visit from the KGB. The KGB officer tells him, "you must rewrite the letter. Tell them food is cheaper and of better quality than in America"
...

On the night of his inauguration, Donald Trump is visited by 3 ghosts

Early in the night, FDR appears. Trump asks him "how can I make America great again?"
FDR replies "think only of the people; do not make laws based on hatred, bigotry, or with the thought of lining your own pockets"
Trump's face sours "FAKE NEWS!" he screams and FDR disappears. Trump falls bac...

A‌‌n America‌‌n soldier‌‌, servin‌‌g i‌‌n Worl‌‌d Wa‌‌r I‌‌I ha‌‌d jus‌‌t returne‌‌d fro‌‌m severa‌‌l week‌‌s o‌‌f battl‌‌e o‌‌n th‌‌e Germa‌‌n fron‌‌t lines.

Th‌‌e soldie‌‌r ha‌‌d bee‌‌n grante‌‌d res‌‌t an‌‌d relaxatio‌‌n an‌‌d wa‌‌s o‌‌n ‌‌a trai‌‌n tha‌‌t wa‌‌s boun‌‌d fo‌‌r London.

Th‌‌e trai‌‌n wa‌‌s ver‌‌y crowded‌‌, s‌‌o th‌‌e soldie‌‌r walke‌‌d th‌‌e lengt‌‌h o‌‌f th‌‌e trai‌‌n i‌‌n hope‌‌s o‌‌f findin‌‌g a‌‌n empt‌‌y seat.

Th‌‌e on...

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'Earth' without 'Art' is just 'Eh'.

Just like 'The United States of America' without 'heunedtatesam' is just 'Tits of Erica'.

Why is America bad at League of Legends?

Because we can’t defend towers

On meeting Donald Trump, Kim Jon Un says “I will destroy America...”

Trump replies, “No way, that’s my job. I won’t have another asian stealing an American job.”

Why does everybody hate America so much?

Because America doesn't murder its critics.

In America, you go to recruitment office

In Russia, recruitment office go to you!

Barack Obama walks into a bar, but he is invisible.

After attracting the bartender’s attention, the bartender says "Ok, I'll bite. Why are you invisible?"

Barack says "Well, I found a bottle on the beach and...then I rubbed it." "And then...importantly...A genie came out." "The genie said I could have...3 wishes."

For my first wish, I ...

Trump wants to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese.

He wants to make America grate again.

The teacher asked little Jimmy who discovered America

He replied 'It wasn't me'.

The teacher asked him again. 'Who discovered America?'

He, once again replied 'It wasn't me'

One last time the teacher asked him.

And again he replied, now a little louder 'I swear to god, it wasn't me!'

The teacher had enough and called ...

Just watched Captain America: Civil War for the first time

Couldn't get enough, so I looked out of the window to watch America: Civil War.

What’s the difference between Benedict Arnold and Donald Trump?

Benedict Arnold once fought for America.

What is a Karen called in Europe?

An American

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

A Chinese man comes to America...

He brought all of his money over in RMB so he goes to a bank with 1000RMB and asks them to change it into dollars. The teller takes his money and gives him $650.

A week later he's out of cash and goes back to the bank with another 1000RMB. He gives it to the teller and this time he only get...

Why is EA the worst gaming company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France

Well, America actually did it

It Trumped Brexit.

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In honor of America's upcoming Independence Day, do you know why America spells "behavior", "color", and "humor" the way they do?

Because **fuck u**, that's why!

Why does America run on dunkins?

because everyone loves waking up with double d 's in your face!

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I don't support Trump, but I would never denigrate his supporters

If you're a Trump supporter, "denigrate" means "to put down."

America...

the only place where you can go to a World Championship game with only one nation competing against themselves

America is #1 again.

We're literally sick of winning.

Hey did you guys know South America is getting overpopulated?

Yea, there’s like a brazilian people there.

A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
...

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Help! I'm lost at sea. I'm somewhere between America and Japan

I can't be anymore pacific

America is converting to metric units...

inch by inch.

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A WW2 joke I heard recently

So, it’s 1941 and a young German boy is listening to the radio. On the radio Hitler announces that Germany is declaring war on the United States.

The boy asks, “Father, where is the United States?”

“Here, let me show you,” His father responds and points at a map of North America.
...

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