A German man visits America for holiday.

The TSA officer asks: "Occupation?"

The man says: "No, only holiday!"

A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border

He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience:

"What h...

What's the difference between America and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it will develop a culture

Imagine if America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight

There would be mass confusion.

What does America have that Canada doesn't?

Nice neighbors.

Who can defeat Captain America?

Captain Vietnam.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does America say when the sea level rises?

Oh shit I lost my Keys

A bee lives in America.

It's a USB.


.. Sorry guys.

What’s the opposite of Miss America?

U.S. Presidency

If America is storming Area 51 then the Europeans can storm the Vatican

We’ll take the aliens, you get the predators

Trump just banned the import of any European cheese into America

How dairy.

As a British person, I have a question about the states of America...

Wyoming?

What do you call intelligent people in America?

Tourists.

They say Hillary Clinton is a criminal, a sore loser, and a traitor who hates America

Guess that means she deserves an extra big statue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

First visit to America as German guy!

I was pissing on the side of the road when suddenly an American girl walks by.
She saw my penis and shouted "GROSS!"

I shouted back "DANKE!"

I visited america recently and got very into the culture

A guy walked past me and said 'Have a nice day!' and I did'nt, so I shot him.

Why are there only 49 contestants in the Miss America pageant this year?

No one wanted to wear a sash that says "I-da-ho."

Why are there so many vampire stories, but only in Europe, the Americas, Antarctica, and Asia?

Because vampires die if they touch holy water, and they bless the rains down in Africa.

So many items are no longer made in America...

I just bought a new tv and the box said “built in antenna”...
I don’t even know where that is!

In America, you assassinate the president...

In Russia, the president assassinates you!

In the year 2020, the Lord came unto Noah, Who was now living in America and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:

"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start...

America is really tackling its obesity problem

They are teaching kids in school to outrun bullets

So, I’m originally from Spain, and one the strangest things I discovered when moving to America was the was you hold your pens.

In Spain, we hold them straight up, whereas you hold them slightly on the side. I would always get weird looks when writing with my fountain pen. It’s not all that surprising.
After all, nobody expects the Spanish Ink Position.

Why is EA the worst game company in America?

Because Ubisoft is in France

Question: Do yo know what America does with all it's circumcision's.

Answer: We send them to Cuba where they grow dictators (dicktaters)

America should build the wall...

...with Hilary's emails, because nobody seems to be able to get over them!

Why are there so many public mass shootings in America?

Because the schools are closed for summer vacation.

When you want to be FAMOUS at school in America...

You'd need a FAMAS.

Captain America, The Hulk, Thor, and Iron Man all get Lego sets for Christmas.

"Avengers, assemble!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why is it so common to circumsize newborns in America?

They're taught from the youngest age to leave a tip

What's the difference between a circus and the Miss America beauty pageant?

One is a cunning array of stunts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Chinese man decided to retire and move to America after years of living in Shanghai.

A few days after moving in, the friendly American neighbor decides to go across and welcome the new guy. He goes next door but on his way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front yard chasing about 10 hens.

Not wanting to interrupt, he decides to put the welcome on ho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio

In 1941, Hans, a young German boy, was listening to the radio.

Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.

“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.

His father pointed at a map towards North America.

“Aren’t we cur...

In America, dogs are K9.

In China, dogs are E10.

My friend told me that America has 50 states I said no

Scientists found out that Pluto isn’t a planet so we got 49 dumbass

Healthy eagles come from America.

Ill eagles come from Mexico.

What’s America’s favorite fruit?

Mmmmm peach!

What do you call a group of cows in America?

The United Steaks of America

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by the government and the media

But every American knows that America is the best country in the world

Why did Captain America wait so long to carry Thor’s hammer?

He didn’t wanna steal his thunder.

An airplane was about to crash...

There was 4 passengers on board but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said “I am Steph Curry, considered one of NBA’s most prized players. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me and I can’t afford to die” So he took the 1st pack and jumped out of the plane.

The 2nd passenger, Donald ...

A 22 year old man is searching for himself after college

He decides to take a trip around the world with the money he’s saved up over the years. After traveling through Europe, Asia, the Americas and Africa he lands himself in Egypt.

In Egypt he rents a jeep and sets off to explore the desert. However, he realizes that he is lost. He becomes exhaus...

If America is really a free country..

How come no one has bought it yet?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

America has Trump, a euphemism in the UK for fart.

The UK has Johnson, a euphemism in America for penis.

Together we have President Fart and Prime Minister Penis.

Why has soccer suddenly become so popular in America?

If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I’d bring my friends to the bar.

Yknow, sometimes I wonder why America decided to join the Vietnam war.

Then again, what else were they gonna do with an entire generation called “the baby boomers”.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did Captain America lose track of Black Widow at the amusement park?

She was secretly Romanoff.

“You’re the bomb!” “No, you’re the bomb!”

In America, a compliment.

In the Middle East, an argument.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WW1 as a bar fight...

Serbia is walking across the bar with a beer in his hand. He bumps into Austria, and spills some beer on his pant leg. Austria is furious, and demands Serbia pay for an entire suit. Serbia can't afford this, so he offers to pay for the dry cleaning.

They argue, Russia tells Austria to back o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why wasn't Jesus born in America?

God couldn't find 3 wise men and a virgin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Nazis were invading America...

The Nazis were invading America and people were panicking. As the troops approached a small American town, a brunette, a redhead and a blonde ran to hide. They came upon three trees and each climbed up a tree to hide.

The Nazis approached the first tree and kicked it, “what’s in this tree?” t...

Pretty soon the only way to abort a kid in America...

would be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.

With all the bad things happenning in america right now,

you woulda thought the whole thing was built on some Indian burial ground.

Why did James Corden move to America?

Because he wasn’t funny in England

A Native American Chief had three wives, all of whom were pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the th...

You know what they call Fortnite in America?

They call it a quarter battle with cheese.

America hasn’t fully adopted the metric system yet…

… but believe me, we’re slowly inching towards it.

Four brothers moved to America, planning to learn English through immersion.

The first brother decided to learn by listening to the radio. He started on a classical/opera station and learned to sing, "Me! Me! Me! Me! Me!” The second brother jumped right in by getting a job at a restarunt and learned to say, "Forks and knives! Forks and knives!" The third brother, following t...

On second thought, maybe Communist America wouldn’t be such a bad idea...

We could all stand to lose a few pounds.

Attention America! We Brits have your president! If you do not send us £50M by Sunday morning....

We’ll return him back to you.

The average IQ of America rose by 3% today.

We’re happy to report the succesful birth of baby chimpanzee Pascal at the San Diego Zoo.

Son; "Dad, which do you think is America's worst problem: ignorance or apathy?"

Dad; "Don't know. Don't really care, either."

The UN decided to do a worldwide survey and the only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?" The survey was a huge flop.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In Eastern Europe, they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In China, they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East, they didn't know what "solution" meant.<...

Since it the unemployment rate in America is at all time low...

A record amount of Americans are having trouble finding a third job.

What's the difference between Thailand and America?

Thailand reunites boys with their families.

Hans, Is That You?

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI. In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his pl...

In America,

Drinking age is 21

Voting age is 18

R-rated movies start at 17

Age of consent in most states is 16

Adult ticket prices start at 13

How much would Greenland pay to buy America?

Nothing. It's a free country.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Captain America and a Grammar Nazi are working for a diamond mine

Captain America and a Grammar Nazi are working for a diamond mine, and they have a meeting with a consultant. The consultant tells them that the mine is flooding the market with too many cheap diamonds, and their income is dropping as a result.

Captain America says, "Well, if you're correct, ...

Trump's 4th of July 'Salute to America' has bankrupted Washington D.C's Emergency Planning and Security Fund, which is used to provide police and security support at Presidential events.

This throws uncertainty on whether or not the President will be able to hold the annual Turkey Pardoning Ceremony this November, which is expected to feature a Presidential Pardon for Trump's close personal friend Jeffrey Epstein.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Amish farmer is walking through his field when he sees a guy drinking from his pond, scooping it up with his hand.

The farmer says,
"Trinken sie nicht das wasser, die
kuhe unddie schweine haben in ihm
geschissen," which means, 'Don't
drink the water, the cows and the
pigs shit in it'


The guy shouts back, "I'm a Trump
supporter, and this is America. I
don't understand your gibberi...

Why do Mormons think Christ’s second coming will be in America?

Because they think he will end their Missouri.

I love summers in America!

We get 2 whole months without a school shooting!

It's ironic that in America, red white and blue stands for freedom...

... unless they're flashing behind you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the most depressed and simultaneously sexually active place in America?

Oh I was hoping you would know... I've heard it's a sad state of affairs

Why doesn’t America have any knock knock jokes?

Because Freedom always Rings!

Person 1: God bless America.

Person 2: Why, did it sneeze?

I'm American, and I'm sick of people saying America is "the stupidest country in the world."

Personally, I think Europe is the stupidest country in the world.

How can you tell if someone is rich in America

When the verdict comes back not guilty

I finally got something that prevented my car from being robbed in America.

I bought a manual car.

America's almost finished switching to the metric system.

But they still have miles to go.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are several distinct cultural differences between Australian and America. For example, Americans are really offended by the word cunt...

Conversely, Australians are really offended by schools being shot up.

How many people speak Portuguese in South America?

A Brazilian!!

Why is America overweight?

'Cus these colors don't run, brother!

What’s the difference between Switzerland and America?

In Switzerland, the cheese is filled with holes


In America, the kids are

How do you get America to enter a World War?

Tell them it's almost over

When Roosevelt, Stalin and Churchill met together, FDR thought of a little chitchat with Stalin.

So he told him: Hey, Joseph you know back in America if someone is not happy about his condition he goes straight up to the office, slams his fist on the desk and says “I don’t like how you run things!”
Stalin smiles and says “We have the same right to complain back in Russia.”
Roosevelt is su...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

WWII as a bar fight...

I made a bar fight for WWI in honor of the 101 anniversary of its end, and someone requested one for the sequel. So here it is.

Germany went into a deep depression after his defeat in the last fight. His bar tab from his enemies' victory drink was crushing. He started hitting the gym, and wan...

When did America smell its best?

The Cologne-ial Period

What’s Captain America’s favorite type of coffee?

Americano

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Geography of a woman

Between the ages of 15-18, a woman is like China. Developing at a sizzling rate with a lot of potential but as yet still not free or open.Between the ages of 18-21, a woman is like Africa or Australia. She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful. Between the ages of 21-30, a woman is l...

What did America say to Britain when it fell over?

U.K.?

Captain America and Peggy Carter finally share a kiss...

Peggy Carter: "That was good."

Steve Rogers: "Your niece thought so too!"

Spaghetti with Meatballs isn't real Italian cuisine. It's made in America, posing as Italian cuisine.

Spaghetti with Meatballs is an **IMPASTA**!

I’m in Britain and I have a friend in America. He keeps telling me he identifies as a large body of water.

He’s transatlantic.

Lets ban all shredded cheese from Mexico

Make America grate again.

What was a popular condiment in ancient Central America?

Mayanaise.

Why is is that you only see bigfoot in America

Because you see bigmeters everywhere else

Went to America and really fell into the culture.

A guy in the local gas station told me to "Have a nice day."


I didn't, so I sued him.

A tourist in L.A. is walking through Chinatown

When he sees a sign saying, “Hans Olafsen’s Laundry.” Curious, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. “How did this place get a name like Hans Olafsen’s Laundry?” asks the tourist. The old man says, “It’s named after me. I’m Hans Olafsen.” “That’s an unusual ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In ancient Japan, failures would commit ritual suicide to restore their honor

In modern America they tell jokes on reddit

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it.

"It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The Irishman replies, "well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I’m in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each...

A blonde rings up an airline and asks: "How long are your flights from America to England?"

The woman on the other end of the phone replies: "Just a minute". The blonde thanks her and hangs up the phone.

What's the best way to win a free trip to Central America?

Apply for asylum in the US

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"


She tu...

What did the father ant say to his son when they moved from america to france

Son, we are now Europeants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked, sitting on a bench.

Two of the figures had black penises, but the one in the middle had a pink penis. The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his personal assessment.

He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculatio...

A guy walks into a Muslim bookstore wearing a Make America Great Again hat...

As he was wandering around taking a look, the clerk asked if he could help the man find anything.
 
“Do you have a copy of Donald Trump’s book on his U.S. immigration policy regarding Muslims and illegal aliens?”
 
The clerk said, “Kiss my ass… get out… and stay out!”
 
The man sai...

Have you heard about the studs in America?

They're big supporters of the wall.

Nancy Pelosi, Mike Pence and Donald Trump died and went to heaven.

St Peter greeted the three of them at the Pearly Gates.

"Ah, my friends, you arrived just in time for our new programme." St Peter proclaimed. "You get to go back to Earth and for one month as anything you want. Then you come back here to proceed to your eternal reward."

"I want to be ...

This is a test.

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Only you will know the results, so remember that your...

Went downtown for dinner with my wife last night

When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.