A lawyer gets pulled up for overspeeding in Chicago.

Lawyer: Is there a problem, officer?

Officer: Sir, you were overspeeding.

Lawyer: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see ur license please?

Lawyer: I would have given it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Lawyer: Lost it four years ago for drunk dr...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. For this particular trip, he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: “You rest here while I register – I’ll be back within an hour.”

So, his wife lies down on the bed…and just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor....

San Francisco, Manhattan, Chicago and Miami were having a lively conversation until St. Louis passed by, looking depressed.

Chicago said, "why are you so sad?"
St. Louis replied, "I'm always in a state of Missouri."

A fifth grade class from Chicago goes on a field trip

A fifth grade class from Chicago goes on a field trip to a farm. One of the chaperones asks the farmer "Why doesn't that cow have horns?"

The farmer takes off his cap, scratches his head and replies

"Well ma'am, there are lots of reasons why an animal doesn't have horns, some breeds,...

Why did the police show up at a party in Chicago?

They received an Illinoise complaint.

Why can't a man living in New York be buried in Chicago

Because he's still alive

The Chicago Bears new quarterback.

The Chicago Bears were desperately looking for a new quarterback. With all normal options not working out they looked outside the United States. They found a terrorist in Iran who was able to throw a grenade 100 yards and have it go through a 3rd story window every time. The Bears signed him immedi...

I have a friend who worked in Chicago his entire life tell me it isn't that violent...

He is a tail gunner on a school bus.

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Legendary Chicago Cubs broadcaster Harry Caray gets pulled over for going about 90 on the way to the ballpark ... (long)

He thinks his reputation will spare him from a ticket, but it's clear the cop is serious when he asks for Caray's license and registration. Harry, probably already three sheets to the wind, replies, "You know officer, I would give you that, but this is a stolen car." The cop is a bit taken aback and...

Whats the difference between a Chicago Bears fan and Marty McFly?

Eventually Marty McFly stopped going back to 1985.

Why does a Chicago-style hot dog always lose races?

Because it refuses to ketchup.

Going to church in Chicago

When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church, I decided to go there and check them out in person.

As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church?

He laid hi...

Nun on the scale

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down, waiting for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight machines that tells your fortune. So, she thought to herself, "I'll give it a try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and...

Jussie smollet had to pay 10,000 to chicago and do community service to get his charges dropped...

I hope he isnt beating himself up over this

[LONG][INSPIRING] America: The land of opportunity

Good Read!
Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in New York walks to the corner where a shoe shine is always located. He sits on the couch, examines the Wall Street Journal, and the shoe shine gives his shoes a shiny, excellent look.
One morning the shoeshine asks the Executive Director:
...

whats the difference between green bay and chicago

in chicago moosehead is a type of beer and in green bay it’s a felony.

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Fancy Chicago lawyer goes duck hunting in LA (Lower Alabama) (very long)

This lawyer had heard about the exceptional duck hunting in lower Alabama so he made plans to go one year. He left his hotel early and found a good spot by sun-up. He had the most expensive equipment money could buy.

He missed a few ducks, but then shot one. It flapped a couple times and lan...

I went to a beer festival. In order to prevent myself from getting too drunk, I decided to follow the Chicago Bears' offensive game plan.

Three and out.

Momma Bear and Papa Bear are getting a divorce,

Momma Bear and Papa Bear are getting a divorce, and they're fighting over custody of Baby Bear.

The judge interviews him to help decide who gets custody. "OK Baby Bear, since your parents are going to live in two places, we have to figure out where you live. Do you want to live with Papa Bear...

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Dear Midwest Diary...

Aug. 1

Moved to our new home in Chicago. It is so beautiful here.

The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered

with snow. I LOVE IT HERE!

Oct. 14

Chicago is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are

turning all different colo...

I had a bad trip on LSD

Chicago traffic is really slow along the lake

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Nurse doing rounds at an insane asylum

A nurse is doing her rounds at an insane asylum. She passes room one and sees a man talking to the wall. "what are you doing in here John?" the nurse asks. "I'm yelling at the manager for messing up my order!"


She continues to the second room and sees Terry walking around the room holdi...

What do you call a loud person from Chicago?

Illinoisey

Papa Bear and Mama Bear are getting a divorce

You know Goldilocks and the 3 bears? Well mama bear and papa bear are getting a divorce. In court they bring in baby bear. The judge puts baby bear on the stand and asks him who he'd like to live with?

"Well not papa bear he beats me," says baby bear.

"So mama bear?" asks the Judge....

You know why you should never hang out with that guy from Chicago?

Illinois you.

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A nurse is making her rounds in the nursing home....

she walks into Bob's room. He is sitting on the edge of the bed acting like he's driving a car. She asks him what he is up to.
" I'm driving to Chicago for a business trip," he replied.
The nurse continued her rounds and came to Jim's room. Jim is face down on his bed humping it furiousl...

Competing investment clubs are opening in Chicago.

The Chicago Bears and the Chicago Bulls.

Why is the oil price falling to below zero?

Imagine the following...you pay $500 today and commit to receiving an escort at your house in 15 days.
Cos your wife is traveling.
This is called a futures contract.

Unfortunately, lockdown came and your wife will be home for the next 60 days.

You do not want this woman to show...

The old Mexican

Rain is pouring down heavily in Chicago and standing in front of a big puddle outside a pub was an old Mexican man, drenched, holding a stick with a piece of string dangling in the water.

A young guy passing by stopped and asked, “What are you doing, sir”

“Fishing” replied the old ma...

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A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago

The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" 

The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess So the boy asked the stewardess, 
...

A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.

When the son returned, he said,

"Papa, I had a great time in Israel! ...by the way, I converted to Christianity."

"Oy vey," thought the father. "What have I done?"

He took his problem to his best friend. "Aron," he said, "I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. W...

Easter

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about," the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any ...

Chicago style pizza changes you

I use to like New York style pizza

Till I tasted Chicago style pizza

Now, I love New York style pizza

Girl: im breaking up with u.

guy: why?
girl: because u keep quoting Chicago lyrics.
guy: but, if u leave me now, u take away the biggest part of me 😭

Apparently, someone in Chicago gets stabbed every 52 seconds..

poor guy.

My son told me this joke when he was two. "Knock knock..."

"Who's there?"

"Boo."

"Boo who?"

"CHICAGO"

He's almost 13 now, so... even if you downvote me straight to Hell, this works out.

Because I can just give him a lecture over why it's all his fault, and then I will be a successful parent today.

On my visit to Chicago, the weather forecast said it was muggy.

The forecaster was right. I went outside and someone stole my shoes.

The 2024 Olympics should be held in Chicago.

So they can figure out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

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Surgeons

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."




The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

<...

What does Disney have in common with a guy in an outhouse in Chicago?

They’re both making frozen number two.

Matthew Broderick has just announced a sequel to one of his biggest films!

He'll play Iron Man's nephew who skips school to go on a wacky adventure in Chicago with his friends!

Its called "Ferrous Bueller's Day Off".

If you came down with an irritating sickness in Chicago...

Then you'd be ill and annoyed.

Chicago anxiety

Bob was sitting on the plane at Cleveland waiting to fly to Chicago, when a guy took the seat beside him.  The guy was an emotional wreck…pale, hands shaking in fear. "What's the matter, afraid of flying?" Bob asked.

"No, it's not that.  I've been transferred to Chicago.  The people are  craz...

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell

A wicked man who lived in Chicago died and went to Hell. As punishment for his many sins, the Devil shoved him into a room and proceeded to crank up the heat and humidity.

But the man just smiled and said, “Oh, this is just like Chicago in the Spring.”

So, the Devil cranked up the heat...

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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat

As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat.

Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"<...

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90% of Men in Chicago have had shower sex

The other 10% have never been to prison.

Notes from the Chicago welfare office....

A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.

'WOW." the social worker exclaims, "Are they all yours?"

"Yep, they is all mine," the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, "Sit down Leroy." All the children r...

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[Long] An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.

His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. He was unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, so he did the best he could to type it in from memory. Unfortun...

I’m not worried about the Chicago Bears.

I’m sure they will bounce back.

Ever since I moved away from downtown Chicago...

...I really feel like I’m out of the Loop.

If you want to warm something up in Chicago...

You would place it in a fridge.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I heard that the Sting concert in downtown Chicago didn't sell many tickets

I guess black people don't like The Police

What does a Chicago police officer and a professional skateboarder have in common?

They both shred footage.



(*be gentle, it's my first time.*)

Today's performance of Hamilton in Chicago was cancelled due to the cold.

Once again, Brrr killed Hamilton.

After the whole Goldilocks affair, the Bears were getting divorced. (long)

After the whole Goldilocks affair, the Bears were getting divorced.

Mama Bear didn't buy the whole "this bed's too hard, this bed's too soft, this bed's just right..." BS!

The judge was deciding on the custody arrangements for Baby Bear.

The judge asked Baby Bear, "Baby Bear do ...

It was so quiet in Chicago during the last inning.

You could hear the gunshots.

Rumor has it that distraught Chicago Bear's field goal kicker Cody Parker tried to end his life recently.

The bullet went wide right.

I saw a billboard the other day for a sports team called the Chicago Fire.

it made me wonder just how long it takes before you can name a team after a tragedy.

it'd be like naming a football team "the New York Jets."

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Young naive couple

A young naïve newlywed couple from rural China decided to move to America to start a new life with nothing but big dreams and the love for each other. They arrived at their new home in rural Minnesota, and although they were happy and still in love, the first couple of months were difficult. They ...

He Knows You

A senior couple pulls up to a gas station:



Attendant: How may I help you?



Old Man: Please fill it up.



Old Lady: What did he say?



Old Man \[yelling\]: He asked what we wanted and I told him to fill it up.



Attendant: So, where ...

What does a Chicago Cop say after firing six shots into an unarmed fleeing suspect?

Stop. Police.

What state is Chicago in?

ILL.

An old joke, yes, but just as relevant now.

A guy applies for a job with the Chicago Police Department

He has an impressive resume, gives the best answers to the interview questions, and is very enthusiastic about the job.

"Your qualifications are impressive" says the police chief. "Here's the final test. Take this gun, go out, and shoot ten black guys and a clown?"

The man asks, "why ...

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A guy walks into a bar in Chicago looking kind of upset.

The bartender says "What'll it be bud?"

"Just a beer" says the man.

Reading the mans expression the bartender asks "Whats the matter?"

The man says "Everyone tells me I'm not having enough sex, but I can't seem to find any women who want to have sex."

The bartender is cur...

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully ...

Ok Chicago, please be responsible. If the game doesn't go your way tonight...

At least act like you've been there before.

An American is in Italian prison

"How'd you get here?" his cellmate asks.

"Well," he replies, "I went to go visit that famous leaning tower and then decided to get a slice of fresh pizza. I sit down and the server comes to take my order. I asked what's good and the server went down the list. Neapolitan, Giuseppe, Pugliese, N...

The city of Chicago is no longer giving speeding tickets...

Instead, to deter speeders, the are giving away Bears tickets.

A preacher at a church in Chicago...

...has almost reached the end of his sermon. Before he finishes, he tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It will tie into my sermon" A week quickly passes. The preacher calmly walks the pulpit, looks out and asks "Show of hands, how many of you rea...

What would George Washington say if you told him that in 2017 it's now possible to eat breakfast in Tokyo, lunch in Paris, and dinner in Chicago?

"WTF is Chicago?"

What's 3/7 chicken, 2/3 cat and 1/2 goat?

Chicago

Polish Cruise

A Polish guy is walking down the street in Chicago when he sees a sign outside a bar:

"Polish Special: Dinner and a Cruise, $3.00!"

So the guy walks in. Immediately he is hit in the head and knocked out.

When he wakes up, he's floating in Lake Michigan in a barrel with an apple ...

Three Marines sitting in a bar...

The first guy says, "This is great but, back home in Chicago we have a bar called Tony's. When you buy a pizza and pitcher of beer, Tony buys you your second pitcher of beer!"

They all agree Tony's sounds great. The second guy said, "That's nothin. Back in California we have a bar called J...

I’m always frank and earnest with women

In Philadelphia I’m Frank and in Chicago I’m Earnest

The largest charitable organisation in Chicago...

...realised that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful law firm.
So a volunteer paid the senior partner a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your firms annual income
is over four million d...

I heard that Chicago had a world renowned shooting range. So I went to go check it out. When I got there I couldn’t seem to find it, so I asked for directions...

The guy I asked gave me a funny look and said, “The city of Chicago is the shooting range.”

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

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A Chinese man boarded a flight to Chicago and promptly sat down on the first seat he encountered.

He was soon told that seat was reserved for flight attendants. With his limited English he did not fully understand what he was told but hand signals soon got him to move a little further back.

Soon there was another person persuading him to move out of first class. Again he moved further bac...

Planting potatoes in Chicago

So there's this old Pakistani man who lives alone in Chicago. One day he sends an e-mail to his son Ahmad :

"Dear son, I would love to plant some potatoes in the backyard but I'm old and lonely, I can't plow the land without your help. With love, your father."

Later that night, Ahmad...

So a guy named Mike applies to join a Chicago police department.

"The first test is to lift a bag that is the size of a human and carry it to safety out of a building.", says the chief.

Mike succeeds.

"Next, you must show us your driving skills and show that you can handle a police car.", the chief says.

Mike succeeds.

"Now, for your f...

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A woman and man share a bunk bed on a train.

There’s a train that goes every night from New York to Chicago. It’s an overnight train,where you get your own room to sleep in.It leaves New York at 1 in the morning and gets to Chicago at 10 in the morning. A man checks into his room, and suddenly the door opens and a woman checks in. Normally, th...

A blond gets on a plane

She sits down in a first class seat even though she bought a ticket for coach. The flight attendants all try to tell her she needs to find her correct seat, but she refuses.

Finally the pilot comes and sits down next to her and the blond moves to her correct seat in coach.

The flight...

Two University of Chicago professors are walking down the street

One says “look, a twenty dollar bill!”

The other replies “no, if there was really a twenty dollar bill on the ground, someone would have picked it up”.

How many Chicago Policemen does it take to crack an egg?

None. It fell down the stairs.

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Trump in Chicago

Donald Trump decides to visit Chicago. He wants to get a few photo ops, so he can later post them on Twitter and show how he and his policies "helping the community get back on its feet."

But when he gets to the South Side, he notices that the streets are completely empty. Finding that odd, ...

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[NSFW] Chicago citizens surveyed on sex in showers

In a recent survey carried out for the leading toiletries firm 'Brut', people from Chicago have proved to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.
In the survey, 86% of Chicago’s inner city residents (almost all of whom are registered Democrats) say that they have enjoyed sex in the show...

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What does the flint water crises and Chicago PD have in common?

The amount of lead put into black people.

(It was funnier over the radio)

An ISIS attack wouldn't do any damage to Chicago

What's one more pot hole?

Check my bags please!

So I checked in at the airport the other day and I said please check this bag to San Francisco and my second bag I would like to go to New York and I will be flying to Chicago today.

The representative behind the counter says, “I’m sorry but we can’t do that sir.”

I respond, “WTF that’...

From my late Polish grandpa

A man moved to a Polish neighborhood in Chicago, and fell in love with the community because everyone was so nice, happy and good looking.

Upon his next doctor’s visit, he asked, “Doctor, how do I become Polish? Everyone is so nice, happy and good looking.”

“Easy!” his doctor responde...

Three American men are sitting on a beach in the Caribbean sipping their rum and they get to talking...

Soon they happen to inquire about each other's backgrounds.

The first man says, "I used to own a matchstick factory back in California. But one day there was a fire and the entire factory was burned to the ground. I collected my insurance money and decided to retire here in the Caribbean." <...

They're dying the Chicago River blue in honor of the Cubs win...

It's the first time it will be blue since the French got there.

Chicago is the cleanest city in the world right now...

BECAUSE IT JUST GOT SWEPT!!!!!!!!

If I had a dollar for every mugging in S Chicago...

I'd still have nothing

Everyone criticizes Apple Maps, but I enjoyed using it for my road trip from New York to Florida.

There's a lot to do in Chicago.

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The Brit, the Frenchman, the Gangster and the Tribals

One day, a trio of adventurers are making their way through the Amazon. The group consists of a die-hard Brit, a die-hard Frenchman and a recent addition to the team, a gangster from downtown Chicago. Eventually, the party is caught by a group of tribals and put in a cage. The chief of the tribals a...

I'm glad the Chicago Cubs finally won the World Series.

108 years of hibernation just doesn't seem healthy.

What's the most assigned elementary school essay in Chicago?

"What I want to be *IF* I grow up"

There was a kidnapping in Chicago!

It's okay, he just woke up.

A loyal employee, Skip, was bragging that he knew almost anyone in the world personally

Naturally, his boss took him up on the offer. He took him to a Chicago Bulls game, and walking into the tunnel, Michael Jordan recognized him and said "what's up Skip?". His boss naturally was impressed. So he took it a step further and went to the White House. President Bush immediately recognized ...

To the Chicago Cubs

Thanks, you've doomed us all.

Chicago wins World Series for first time since 1908

In other news, Chicago burns to ground for first time since 1871.

Chicago really is the windy city.

After all, they did just win de World Series

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi...

...for a week’s shore leave. The first evening, the ship’s Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner, who was also the sister of a highly respected Admiral:

“Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter Melinda’s Debutante Ball. I woul...

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A longhaul trucker with a trailer full of chickens is driving to Chicago...

A long haul trucker with a trailer full chickens is driving to Chicago with a parrot on the dashboard. As he's driving, he sees a woman at the side of the road with her thumb out. He pulls over to the side, and the woman gets in.

Trucker: Do you have money?

Woman: No.

Truck: Su...

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