UPJOKE
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The FBI, CIA, and Los Angeles Police get into a bragging war about their tracking skills.

To settle the matter they agree to a contest between their best units. Whoever can track down an elusive white rabbit in a ten thousand acre forest wins the contest.

The FBI organizes a vastly complex operation with dogs, forestry experts, sharpshooters, the works.

The CIA takes sate...

Why don't Los Angeles drivers use their blinkers?

It gives too much information to the enemy.

When the smog clears over Los Angeles...

... U.C.L.A.

I am not at all sorry for this joke.

I heard there's a pretty good Halloween display in the Los Angeles Harbor this year.

Everywhere you look is quite the freight.

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In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”
...

What happens when the smog lifts in Los Angeles?

UCLA

I live in constant fear that Trump will deport my Latina mother-in-law who lives at 324 3rd st. Los Angeles.

She gets off at 6.

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A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His co-pilot is Chinese.

His copilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'

'N...

I recently started a job as a forensic analyst in Los Angeles.

The first thing I had to do was analyse some fresh prints in Bel Air.

Ladies and gentleman, Los Angeles has become the epicenter of this horrible disease. But if we work together with my new plan, we can make sure it doesn’t get worse.

So that’s why I’m calling on you, to stay home — if you want to. It’s good if you stay home, but you should go out to support local businesses, but safely at home unless you want to go.

And if you want to go to the mall: don’t, but you can, but you shouldn’t, but you won’t, but if you work at...

Bruce Willis has admitted to making an "error of judgement" after reportedly being asked to leave a Los Angeles store for refusing to wear a face mask. Apparently, he wasn't even aware of the effects of his actions until a young boy walked up to him and said...

"I see dead people."

I was stressed and unhappy with my life, so I moved to Los Angeles

Now I have SoCal anxiety

Why does New York have lots of garbage and Los Angeles have lots of lawyers?

Because New York got to pick first

Having immigrated at 1 and been raised in Los Angeles

by two hard-working first generation Korean parents,

I still struggle with insecurities, some of which are

worsened by deeply ingrained Asian stereotypes from my past.

Just the other week, my Caucasian friend Jessie and I hit the links

and I tee off 250 yards straight dow...

What’s the best question to ask when you meet an actor in Los Angeles?

Can I have some more coffee?

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything i...

What's the difference between Los Angeles and Kim Kardashian?

One is a dirty, washed-up place many great men have visited. The other one is a city in California.

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A guy from New York, a guy from Los Angeles, and a guy from Austin, Texas are discussing the women where they're from...

The New York fellow slams his beer down and declares, "Where I'm from, all you need to do is walk up to a woman, buy her a beer, and you can stick your cock in her!"

"That's nothing!" says the Californian. "Where I'm from, you just walk up to a girl, say hi, and you can stick your cock in her...

Los Angeles announced plans to lease 288 all-electric police cars. Do you know where they'll use them?

In Watts.

I'll see myself out now.

There was a burglary last night at the Los Angeles Police Department headquarters.

The thief or thieves stole all of the toilets.

When asked about the investigation, and LAPD spokesman said they have nothing to go on.

What's the difference between a dollar and the Los Angeles Rams?

A dollar is good for 4 quarters.

A billionaire gets an idea to build a bridge from Los Angeles to Hawaii

He approaches a civil engineer to design this massive bridge for him.

The engineer tells him, “Look, this isn’t a matter of money, it simply can’t be done. The Pacific Ocean is too deep, no concrete beam could support the pressure of the depths, let alone the thousands that would be needed to...

Work has already begun in preparation for the 2028 Olympic Games in Los Angeles

Mostly by ISIS

How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport

Re:LAX

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What do you call a Pakistani prostitute in Los Angeles?

Lahore.

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So a bunch of passengers are boarding a plane to Los Angeles...

...when the captain and first officer come on board. Each is wearing thick sunglasses and carrying a walking stick, which they use to feel their way through the cabin towards the cockpit, tripping and stumbling as they go. Many passengers are understandably quite nervous, but several awkward laugh...

I would hate to fly on an airline out of Los Angeles...

The security there is always so LAX

A man walks into a bar in Los Angeles, carrying a large wooden box

A man walks into a bar in Los Angeles, carrying a large wooden box.

The bartender is quite curious and asks the man what’s inside.

“I’ll show you if you get me a beer”, the man says.

The bartender accepts the deal and gets the guest a beer. He then opens the box and takes out a ...

ENTER NOW TO WIN! Second Prize Winner gets 2 week Los Angeles vacation!

First Prize Winner gets 1 week vacation in Los Angeles.

Kanye West hospitalised in Los Angeles. At this difficult time, our thoughts and prayers go out to...

...all the hospital staff.

I live in Santa Monica, Los Angeles. My girlfriend is taking a flight from London to come see me. I have promised her that I'll go pick her up from the airport

We'll both leave our respective houses at the same time :|

What does a Los Angeles police officer get at a strip club?

a LAPDance

Charlie Brown, Snoopy, Dilbert, Dogbert, Garfield, Jon Arbuckle, and a whole lot of comic strip characters and their pets were on an airplane flying from Miami to Los Angeles...

In the middle of the flight, the flight attendant gave out food to everyone but Charlie Brown and Snoopy.

They asked him why everyone else got some food and they didn't.

The flight attendant said, "Sorry, but we don't serve Peanuts on this flight."

Do you want to know my favorite Los Angeles Dodger?

O.J. Simpson

Where's the best view of falling stars in Los Angeles?

The Betty Ford Clinic

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

A passenger at an airport in New York was at the counter

-I'm going California for business, I want to go to Los Angeles, I want to send the big suitcase in my right hand to San Francisco and the smaller suitcase on ground to San Diego.

-Excuse me sir, but I'm afraid that's not possible, we can't do that.

-Great then, because that's what you...

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A beautiful young blonde boards a flight...

A beautiful young blonde boarded a flight, but refused to go to economic class and insisted that she get to stay in business class.

When the first stewardess asked the lady to move, the lady simply responded: "I am a beautiful young blonde flying to Los Angeles."

The stewardess could...

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After a series of city-wide riots, the mayor of Los Angeles imposed the harshest curfew ever: anyone outdoors after 10 pm will be shot on sight!

On the very first night of the curfew, a cop shot a black kid dead at 9:45. The police chief dragged the cop in for questioning.

"What the hell you doing shooting a guy before the curfew even started!?"

"Sir, I know where that guy lives. He never would have made it home in time!"

Late

An airline pilot was scheduled to take a flight from New York to Los Angeles. The weather was too bad in New York to allow his usual on time departure. The weather in New York finally cleared and the pilot asked for his departure clearance. He was very dismayed to hear that he had another delay due ...

Rushing up to the Southwest Airlines ticket counter…

a man gasped, “Ma’am, please help me. I have to get to Los Angeles in the worst way!” The clerk calmly pointed to her right and said, “Sir, that would be Frontier.”

The Photographer.

A Los Angeles agent representing a wealthy photographer called and asked to speak to his client.

"Brittany, I have some good news and I have some bad news."


The photographer replied, "You know, I've had an awful day, Jack, so let's hear the good news first."


The ...

Birds of no Feathers....

A man from Los Angeles took a job in San Francisco, leaving his 70 yr old, widowed mother of 6 mos to fend for herself. As her birthday was approaching, he went around asking his co-workers for ideas to get his mom a bday gift.

None of their ideas appealed to him, until someone suggested a p...

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

Plane Trip

Getting on a plane today, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"

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A wealthy businessman lives in Los Angeles.

One day, as he's working, he hears a voice in his head that says, "Sell everything you have and move to Las Vegas."

He thinks it's a little odd, but shrugs it off and continues working. A few days later, the voice returns. "Sell everything you have and move to Las Vegas."

He shrugs it ...

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport....

After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom."Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful fligh...

I Think I Know You

A lot of people walk up to me and say I look very familiar, but the conversation usually stops when I ask if they were in the Los Angeles County State Prison also.

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Morning Jew

Morris Schwartz is on his deathbed, knows the end is near, is with his nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons. "So", he says to them:

"Bernie, I want you to take the Beverly Hills houses."

"Sybil, take the apartments over in Los Angeles Plaza."

"Hymie, I want you to take the o...

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An old Jewish lady is sitting in a restaurant sipping tea.

When 3 nuns walk in and sit at the table next to her. They start talking about where they want to go on vacation.

The second nun says to Mother Superior "Let's go to Jerusalem?"

Mother Superior says "No, too many jews there."

The third nun says to Mother Superior "Let's go to N...

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Pilot and his coffee

Pilot: “Hello Ladies and Gentlemen and welcome aboard Silver Jet Airlines. Our flight from Melbourne to Los Angeles will take around 14 hours, so make yourself comfortable and enjoy the flight.”

After the Pilots announcements, all Stewardesses start giving the safety instructions.

Whil...

Our two new mods, ElderCunningham and iBleeedorange

Hey guys,

Not too long ago we started advertising new moderator positions for /r/jokes, and after receiving a bunch of submissions, we found our two candidates.

I've asked them to write up a brief introduction for themselves.

First up is /u/iBleeedorange, who also mods /r/diablo...

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Marine Biologist

My uncle is a marine biologist who grew up in Kansas. He moved to Los Angeles for grad school and never left. His first real job was as a lab tech at USC, where he spent several years before stumbling into a part-time instructor job, which he finally parlayed into a tenured faculty position. The wor...

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Millionaire marriage proposal

A bachelor Chinese millionaire is on a business trip in Los Angeles. He has had very bad luck finding the perfect bride in China and had given up hope of getting married. During his business presentation, he sees the perfect bride for him -- she is an intelligent, tall, slender single brunette wit...

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A man arrives to the airport with three bags

A man arrives to the airport with three bags. He walks up to the counter and says, “I have a ticket for Los Angeles. Would you be so kind as to send this bag to San Francisco, this one to Miami, and if at all possible this one to Japan?”

The gate agent replies, “Sir, that is flatly impossibl...

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The story of Dave (Not my joke)

Once upon a time there was a man named Dave. Now Dave worked in a small business office where just about all his co workers knew each other well. One day, Dave’s boss wants to get to know him better so he invites Dave to go out to lunch. While they were eating lunch and talking about various things,...

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Surgeons

The first surgeon, from New York , says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table, because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."




The second, from Chicago , responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

<...

The Pilot and the Priest

A pilot and a priest have died and are waiting in line outside the gates of Heaven for entry. When they reach the front of the line, St. Peter beckons the pilot forth.

"Who are you, so I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" he asks.

"I am Joe Dohn of Los Ange...

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Raider Hater

A little girl has her first day in a new school after moving from San Francisco to Los Angeles.

The teacher asks the class “How many of you are Charger fans?”

The whole class raises their hands except for the little girl.

Teacher asks “What is your favorite team?”

“The Ni...

A blond gets on a plane

She sits down in a first class seat even though she bought a ticket for coach. The flight attendants all try to tell her she needs to find her correct seat, but she refuses.

Finally the pilot comes and sits down next to her and the blond moves to her correct seat in coach.

The flight...

The billionaire and the architect

Los Angeles has always been a place for these massive feats of human accomplishment. Case in point, in 1989, a local billionaire spent millions of his own money to create a unique building of fantastic architecture, one that would draw people in for thousands of miles. He hired a small time architec...

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The Gynaecologist’s Assistant

A young man goes into the Job Center in Downtown Los Angeles and sees a card advertising for a Gynecologist's Assistant. Interested, he goes to learn more.

"Can you give me some more details?" he asks the clerk.

The clerk pulls up the file and says, "The job entails getting the ladies ...

Thief Capturing Robot

Disclaimer: This is only a joke, whatever or whoever I have stated are only for entertainment purpose only.



Once an organization of experts invented a robot that captured thieves.

So in order to test their invention they took to some places around the world to really see how ma...

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A psychiatrist and a man are touring a mental hospital to see if it would be a good fit for his brother.

They are walking down a hallway when they pass a door the man looks in. Inside there is this young man who his holding his hands up to his stomach, raising his leg and then lunges forwards in a pitching motion. "Oh! Hey! I'm practicing my pitch, I'm going to be a famous pitcher for the Los Angeles D...

Sketchy neighborhood

>~~Stolen~~ Adapted from a comment thread on LiveLeak...

A guy was driving along in east Los Angeles and got a little thirsty. He pulled over to a little bodega to grab a drink. Because the neighborhood was sketchy, he parked and jumped out and ran inside real fast.

An old loiterer ...

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A programmer and an engineer

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the wind...

Did you know that the Super Bowl was just on??

Apparently, neither did the
Los Angeles Rams.

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NBC President Flies Into Rage After Network Fails to Produce Industry Minimum Ten Cop Shows‏

NEW YORK - During a staff meeting this week, NBC President of Entertainment Robert Greenblatt erupted into a profanity-laced tirade when he was informed that the network's new season of prime-time dramas and comedies failed to meet The Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers (AMPTP) requ...

"The Personal Touch"

The brothel’s madam opened the door to find an elderly gentleman standing there. “May I help you?” asked the madam.
“I want Natalie,” replied the man.
“Sir, Natalie is our most expensive girls. Perhaps someone else?”
“No, I must see Natalie,” insisted the man.
Just then, Nata...

Tree hugger

A woman from Los Angeles , who was a tree hugger and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Grants Pass , Oregon . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she ...

A Man meets a Genie, Is granted 1 wish.

A young man is going about his regular day when a genie stops him and grants him one wish.

The man stops to think about it for a minute, then says, okay i got one.
He tells the Genie for his wish he wants to build a bridge from Los Angeles to Sydney so he could drive whenever he wants. <...

Police Lineup

Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect, who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. Detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money or I'll shoot."

One of them, when it was his turn, shouted, "That's not what I said!"

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A pilot briefs his passengers on a long international flight

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. We would like on behalf of all our crew welcome you aboard American Airlines on a flight from Los Angeles to Sydney. We will be cruising at the altitude of 30,000 feet and will reach our destinations in 16 hours. Please relax and enjoy your fligh...

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Steve was always bragging about how he knew virtually any famous person you could name.

One day, his co-worker Ben got sick of him and said "Oh yeah?! Prove it!" to which Steve calmly replied: "Okay, wanna come with me to visit Justin Timberlake tomorrow?" Ben agreed, if only because Steve was paying for both of their tickets to Los Angeles. The next day, Ben remained skeptical all the...

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A man and a woman were sitting next to each other on a flight

A man and a woman were sitting next to each other on a flight from New York to Los Angeles.


As they were taking off, the man let out a sneeze, then took a napkin out from his pocket and reached into his pants and patted down his crotch region. The woman, being polite, pretended not to not...

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An EMT was called to a scene in the ghetto

This is actually a true story.

My friend who was an EMT working in South Los Angeles was called to a Domestic Violence scene in Compton. Upon arriving on the scene, a man was sitting on the front porch holding the back of his head where blood was spilling out.

"Are you okay? What happ...

I want to get one of those LA hats everyone has nowadays

When people go to ask me "hey man, are you from Los Angeles?"

I'll be like "nah dude,I just really like the french feminine definite article"

5.5 Quake Shakes L.A.

Every 20 years or so, a large earthquake rattles Los Angeles as a result of the tremendous buildup of pressure in every Angeleno to talk about something other than show business.
~ Scott Miller

So a man calls an airport

A man calls an airport. The receptionist answers.

"Hello."

"Yes, hello. I have a question. How long is the flight from Los Angeles to Paris?"

"Just a minute."

"Thanks," says the man and hangs up.

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Topical Jokes for April

(didn't post the last batch, so here's all of the recent ones)

4/28
Los Angeles police are looking for a vandal that spraypainted a police horse. The horse didn’t get a good look at the suspect because it was dark, and because the horse has no idea that it’s a cop.

Billionaire Richa...

Two blondes on an ariplane...

Two blondes are on a flight from New York to Los Angeles to get to a modeling job. About 30 minutes into the flight, the captain makes an announcement.

"We seemed to have had an engine failure so were are flying on only three out of our four engines. We will be about 1 hour late for arriva...

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Three Men Discover a Magic Lamp

A black man, a Mexican, and a white man were walking together on the streets of Los Angeles and discover a magic lamp. The black man picks it up and rubs it. The genie appears and grants them each one wish. The black man wishes that him and all of the other black people in America move back to Afric...

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