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A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him t...

Why did the non-binary farmer go to California in 1841?

Because there be gold in them/their hills.

Scientists found out that the cause for the California earthquake was not a divine retribution but simply a banana peel.

Your mom slipped over it.

The year is 1850 in California...

Miners flock to a river to hopefully get a fraction of the immense wealth that awaits in the rivers. Miners come by the hundreds and claim a spot in the river... At least the lucky ones. Some are a little too late and miss the chance to get a spot and leave, except one.

For a week, a miner wh...

Fortunately the California earthquakes were a bit out in the desert so not many people got hurt.

But a few snakes were rattled.

California Condor

A man was in court the other day accused of shooting and killing a California Condor. The judge asked the man, "Why on Earth would you kill one of the magnificent creatures?" The man replied, "Your honor, I have been out of work for quite a while and me and my family were hungry with nothing to ea...

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What do you call the area between a California woman’s boobs?

Silicone Valley

What is the most popular type of tree in California?

Ash.

A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

You wanna know what’s not illegal in California?

Wildfires.

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.

“Why the new sign?” I asked.

“My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one,” she said.

When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts."

What do you call a group of California Highway Patrolmen with chewing tobacco?

CHiPs and dip.

It’s a great time to live in California

Because all the giant tsunamis caused by the giant earthquakes can put out the giant fires

If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.

We’d have a prime number of states and finally be “one nation, indivisible”

What do you call a lot of choppers in Northern California?

Hellacopters

California Census

When California was determining its census rules, a law similar to the three fifths compromise was considered, under which two Asian Americans would be counted the same as one caucasian.

The law was rejected, because the lawmakers all agreed that two Wongs don't make a white.

What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo. - Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).

Why does California have so many lawyers and New York has so much garbage?

New York had first choice.

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie.

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought ab...

A man from Czechslovakia was visiting his cousin, who was working as a lawyer in California

They decided to go for a hike in Yellowstone Park. While they
were hiking they were attacked by a pair of ~~pairs~~ bears, a big male and a slightly shorter female.

The male bear quickly dismembered and ate the Czechslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape. He ran straight to the n...

Who put all these mountains in California?

It wasn’t me, it was all San Andreas’ fault!

What do you call a waffle rolling down a California beach?

A sandy eggo.

I heard it's a great time to buy in California.

Real-estate's on fire there!

California is looking to eradicate a once popular item.

Apparently it was the last straw.

While in California, I wanted to enjoy breakfast at Mission Beach and some guy just threw my waffle on the ground.

I hate sandy Eggo.

The Hotel California was destroyed last night and they’re looking for the suspect.

Evidence is pointing that its San Andreas’ fault

A monkey and a weasel go to a bar in California

The monkey sits down at the bar and orders a beer. He gestures at the weasel and says, "he's driving though, so no beer for him." The bartender turns to the weasel and says, "alright, what'll you have?"

"Soda," goes the weasel.

A few of my friends took a road trip from Iowa to California

Things were great as they drove through Nebraska. But driving through Wyoming was a disaster! First, one of them got sick and they had to pull over. Then they got to the Great Continental Divide and it was all downhill from there.

What's one of the perks of going to a big college on Southern California?

UCLA

What do you call a waffle made in California?

A sandy Eggo.

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A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle...

A guy is caught by a ranger eating a Bald Eagle and is consequently put in jail for the crime. On the day of his trial, the conversation went something like this:

Judge: "Do you know that eating a Bald Eagle is a federal offense?"

Man: "Yes, I did. But if you let me argue my case, I'll...

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A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.

Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Ga...

My Jewish friend and I live in California where there were a lot of wildfires recently, and suddenly ashes started raining from the sky.

He said, "oh look, a family reunion!"

Now that most of California has banned the use of straws,

I just going to have to drink my frappuccino through this assault rifle.

It's getting real bad here in California. I just got robbed at the gas station. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it.

"It was pump #5," I replied.

In California, you can always find a party

In Soviet Russia, the party can always find you

California should be known as the Granola State.

It’s chock full of fruits, nuts, and flakes.

What fruit does California hate?

STRAWberry

What is “The Room” director Tommy Wiseau’s favorite town in California?

Ojai

The best way to tell if you’re in California

Is to look up at the sun, and see if there is a “may cause cancer” warning label on it.

A kid was begging his dad to move to California.

Dad: Give me one reason why I should agree


Kid: California starts with Cal


Dad: And?


Kid: Calculator also starts with Cal


Dad: What does that mean?


Kid: It all adds up

Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.

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In the men's bathroom, an accountant, a lawyer and a cowboy were standing side-by-side using the urinal.

The accountant finished, zipped up and started washing and literally scrubbing his hands...clear up to his elbows....he used 20 paper towels before he finished. He turned to the other two men and commented, "I graduated from the University of Michigan and they taught us to be clean."

The lawy...

How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Californians don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs. (I remember this from the 1970s when I was in middle school. It's one of my first dirty jokes)

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The Last Dad Joke

This was the last joke (wise crack) my father made before he died...

(Background) My father was diagnosed with ALS (Lou Gehrig's Disease) in his late 50's. Watching him deteriorate was painful for me, but he always kept his sense of humor. As he was nearing the end of his life, he was confi...

A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire...

A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire, talking and BSing. Being a Texan, the first man decides to use a lull in the conversation to prove his manhood to the group. He pulls out a 6-pack of Lone Star beer and a revolver, slams down one of the beers i...

Christmas Carol not to be sung in Southern California...

Oh the weather outside is frightful...
But the fire is so delightful...
And since you have no place to go....

A guy California short stops a stop sign

And keeps going down an empty road. A cop who was sitting at the opposite corner sees this and pulls him over.
As he heads towards the drivers side door, the driver is rolling down his window and asks "What seems to be the issue, officer?"

"Well, I saw you didn't stop at the stop sign," h...

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Once upon a time, this guy named Fred decided that he was rough and tough enough to seek his fortune in the Wild West.

(This was in the days when the Wild West meant Texas and Arizona, with indians, outlaws,
tornados and droughts-not the current situation, where the Wild West means California and you have to brave hottubs, mellowspeak, fires and
earthquakes. That is, it was a simpler time.)

So, Fred fou...

A man was riding his Harley along a California highway...

suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said: 'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your r...

A bird and weed story

In the 1970s, law enforcement officers on the California coast would gather all the confiscated marijuana plants and burn them in a giant incinerator. Terns would fly overhead and inhale the fumes. At the end of the day, they found that no terns were left unstoned.

California legalized marijuana

I guess they had a high voter turnout.

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A man from Wyoming and a man from California are driving across Wyoming in a pickup truck. [NSFW]

It’s boring, it’s flat, they haven’t seen anything interesting in hours.

Eventually, they find a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The man from Wyoming looks over at the man from California with a crazy grin and says “watch this”.

The man from Wyoming pulls the truck over, climbs...

I unexpectedly won a free trip to the most scenic part of the California central coast.

It was a Big Sur prize.

Trip advisor

When you think about it, 'Hotel California' is just a bad 'Trip Advisor' review with a three minute guitar solo.

California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.

Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep crac...

California is like a box of cereal...

When you get rid of all the fruits and nuts, all that's left are the flakes.

I live in California and my friend told me, “I wish the leaves here changed color.” I told him, “the leaves in California change all the time...

they go from green to on fire.”

Guy A-"I was born in California."

Guy B- "Which part?"

Guy A- "All of me."

A marine biologist at the University of California Santa Cruz

A marine biologist at the University of California Santa Cruz was elated to discover a food that when fed to dolphins enabled them to live eternal lives. One day the biologist found that he was out of seagull mash, a main ingredient in the eternal life food. Worried that the he would miss the next c...

Did you know California supplies 2/3 of the nations fruits and nuts?

And a lot of produce too.

Oklahoma asked California about all these earthquakes recently.

California said "It's not our fault."

Why California is broke and Texas is not.

The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor's dog, then bites the governor. The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie Bambi and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.<...

Two seismologists have divided California into North and South to be monitored for earthquakes. A deadly magnitude 9 happens right in the middle

The North seismologist says: "why didn't you see the earthquake coming?!"

The South seismologist says: "It's not my Fault!"

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So there's this guy named Jim, and he moves into a new neighborhood in California.

Looking for a fresh start, Jim gets a well-paying job and moves to the suburbs. Weeks turn to months and months turn to years, and slowly but surely Jim builds a new life with a new routine. Every Monday at 5:30 he goes from work to the grocery store, and gets home from the grocery store at 7.
<...

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California...

The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."

The entire crew of the ...

Two fleas go to California for vacation

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea a...

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The Pillsbury Dough Boy has died...

It is with the saddest heart that I must pass on the following news:

Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly.

He was 71.

Doughb...

President Trump to sign an executive action taking aim at Sun Maid and California's Raisin industry

He answered most of the criticism over the weekend by stating

"I would like to make raisins Grape again"

People in California...

At first, people in California were like "Oh, we don't have enough water!" and now they're like "Oh, we have too much water!"
___
They can't make up their *dam* minds.

I got a random wrong number call from a "Blus Halilovec" in California this afternoon.

I pick up my phone--caller ID says it's someone from California called "Blus Halilovec." Before I can even say hello, this guy it slurring this long, drunken story about how he was kicked out of a bar while watching the NHL Winter Classic today, and could I come and give him a ride home? I try to sa...

California's new slogan is...

"When they go low, we get high"

A man was driving along the coast of California on his motorcycle, just enjoying the scenery around him.

After a long period of cruising and reflecting, the sky opened up, and God Almighty descended to meet him.

"You have been a most faithful follower, my son. You have lived a good life, and for that I would like to grant you any wish." The man looked at God and pondered for a few moments befor...

The votes are in, and California has legalized Marijuana.

however, one ethnic group that voted disproportionately against the proposition were Cambodian-Americans. When asked why, most said that they'd had bad prior experiences with Pot.

A blond is driving down a California highway and sees a semi pulled over on the side of the road broken down. She asks the driver "do you need a ride." The semi driver says "no I'll fix the truck but I have 2 chimps that need to get to the San Diego zoo, I'll give you $100 if you take them there."

"Sure" says the lady. He helps her get them strapped in and she was on her way. A few hours later the semi driver got into San Diego and sees this woman walking down the street with the chimps. He pulls over and hollers "What the hell? I gave you $100 to take these chimps to the San Diego zoo." Look...

I heard Hotel California for the 6th time on the radio during my cross country road trip.

You can change the station any time you like, but the song never leaves

How can California secede from the Us without any documents or agreements?

Earthquakes

Why don't casinos in Las Vegas hire girls from California?

Because they, like, can't even deal.

How many straight men in california does it take to change a lightbulb?

both of them

Does your state have less water than California?

Drought it.

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