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California Jokes

What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo.
- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).

-EDIT: Wow, this blew up a lot more than I thought it would. My first gold and my first post to make it to the front page. You are too kind, Reddit.

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job.

The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him t...

Why California is broke and Texas is not.

The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor's dog, then bites the governor. The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie Bambi and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.<...

What is the most popular type of tree in California?

Ash.

How do you know someone is from California?

They tell you.

Why did New Jersey get all the toxic waste and California get all the lawyers?

New Jersey got to pick first.

What happens when fog disperses in California?

UCLA

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled upon an old lamp.

He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said “OK. OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah, blah. This is the 4th time this month and I’m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!

The man sat and thought about it f...

A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

New California Department

To save money California is combining the Dept of Fish and Wildlife and the Highway Patrol. The new department is called the Department of Fish and Chips.

:)

California legalized marijuana

I guess they had a high voter turnout.

Heisenberg was pulled over by a highway patrolman.

Cop: Do you know where you are?

Heisenberg: California, on a freeway.

Cop: That's right. Speed limit here is 65. Do you know how fast you were going?

Heisenberg: No, officer.

Cop: 95 miles per hour!

Heisenberg: Oh great. Now I don't know where I am.

A person was pulled over in California

The police officer asked “Where are you going to?”
The person replied “To San Jose” (pronouncing it with the “j” sound)
The police officer said “In this part of the country we pronounce j like h. How long have you been around here”
The person said “Since about Hanuary. I plan to leave aroun...

California is looking to eradicate a once popular item.

Apparently it was the last straw.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My dick is a lot like California.

It bends to the side a little, and it's always burning.

Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.

If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.

We’d have a prime number of states and finally be “one nation, indivisible”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.

Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Ga...

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California...

The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."

The entire crew of the ...

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Southern Charm

Two informally dressed ladies happened to start up a conversation during an endless wait in the LAX airport.

The first lady was an arrogant California woman married to a wealthy man. The second was a well mannered elderly woman from the South.

When the conversation centered on whether ...

A massive earthquake hit California due to the San Andreas line opening up and destroying everything

No foreign aid was granted because according to the UN
"It was their own damn fault"

Why are California almond farmers so concerned about the record cold temperatures?

They don't want their nuts to freeze off.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Elon Musk says he is going to pull Tesla out of California

Never trust a guy with 6 kids that says he is going to pull out

California pick up line

I have electricity.

Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network?

They're calling themselves the "ca-hoots".

A man and his wife were travelling down to sunny California for their honeymoon.

The husband arranged to go to their hotel a day earlier to prepare, and upon arrival sent his wife a quick email. But unfortunately he misspelled the address, and it got sent to a grieving widow, who's pastor husband had died the day before.

When the widow checked her email, she let out a shr...

Moving to Louisiana after living in California has been quite difficult

New Orleans is fine, but it's NOLA

The air in California is so toxic

I think I might date it.

Question: Who is the Governor of California after Yesterday's Election?

Answer: We can't recall.

A California guy buys some used SCUBA gear...

Eager to try it out, he drives down to the beach, throws on some sunscreen, pulls on his wetsuit and heads out into the surf.

He’s only under water for a minute when he suddenly can’t get any air! Coughing and choking he barely makes it back to the beach. A surfer sees him and says, “Someth...

Move

There were three guys sitting behind three nuns at a football game.

The men decided to antagonize the nuns, to get them to move.

So the first guy says to the others (loud enough for the women ahead to hear), “I think I want to move to California, there are only 100 Catholics livin...

A recent study found that California has the highest rate of Depression and Infidelity in America.

It's a sad state of affairs.

A miner moves out west to California...

A miner moves out west to California. Having spent a few years in Colorado, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dawn 'til dusk in the mines, and then up from dusk 'til dawn drinking and playing card games.

So, to his surprise, when he moves to Bluster's Bl...

I was born in california

A: "I was born in California."
B: "Which part?"
A: "All of me."


A: "Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
B: "No, I'm sorry I don't."
A: "Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."

New California law makes theft under $950 a misdemeanor.

There's this new law in CA that makes theft under $950 a misdemeanor. People are stealing less than $950 worth of stuff with little to no consequences. It's getting so bad, when I went to buy a Snickers bar, the price tag said $951 dollars.

Woke up in California today

Now I know why they call it, *Orange County*

What's the difference between an actor from California and a senator from Texas?

One will punch a man for talking badly about his wife, the other will help that man become president.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the area between a California woman’s boobs?

Silicone Valley

A Texan rancher gets visited by his cousin from California.

After some friendly catching up the cousin asks him, „if there were any quiet spots in the area where one might be able to smoke a blunt in peace“. The rancher answers „sure, you can go over there, near the cow pasture is a nice bench you can sit on“
His cousin thanks him and the rancher goes to ...

Why is a waffle at the beach like a city in Southern California?

Because it's a Sandy Eggo.

What do they celebrate instead of Easter in California?

Wester.

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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the
gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again "W...

I find it’s best to be frank and earnest with women.

In Texas I’m Frank and in California I’m Ernest.

Oklahoma asked California about all these earthquakes recently.

California said "It's not our fault."

The year is 1850 in California...

Miners flock to a river to hopefully get a fraction of the immense wealth that awaits in the rivers. Miners come by the hundreds and claim a spot in the river... At least the lucky ones. Some are a little too late and miss the chance to get a spot and leave, except one.

For a week, a miner wh...

California Census

When California was determining its census rules, a law similar to the three fifths compromise was considered, under which two Asian Americans would be counted the same as one caucasian.

The law was rejected, because the lawmakers all agreed that two Wongs don't make a white.

An old man is riding his Harley through California,

As he was riding, he saw a shiny object on the side of the road. The old man pulled over, picked it up, dusted it off and discovered it was a genie lamp. He rubbed the lamp and the genie appeared.

"You have freed me from the bottle, so I shall grant you one wish. Name your wish!" Stated the G...

California

Q: How many Northern Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: Hella.

Why is everyone in Northern California so damn skinny?

Because everything is NoCal

I heard it's a great time to buy in California.

Real-estate's on fire there!

Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?

California had first choice!

**just a joke, I respect your right to your opinion and free expression **

California on lockdown

California has decided to lock down its cities. Many queued to get the Covid-19 test. After queuing for hours, one guy told the person next to him and said “I can’t take it anymore, I am going to kill Trump, please save the queue space for me”.
After a few hours, he came back to his queued space....

A British tourist visits a brothel in America [NSFW]

Shameless repost of a classic, relevant today.

Geoffrey, a middle-aged British tourist on his first visit to California finds the red light district and enters a large brothel. The madam asks him to be seated and sends over a young lady to entertain him.

They sit and talk, frolic a lit...

What’s California’s favorite band?

Earth Wind and Fire.

What happens when you’re driving on a highway in California and the smoke clears?

UCLA

What's the difference between California and the Titanic?

The Titanic had its lights ON when it went down!

You wanna know what’s not illegal in California?

Wildfires.

did you hear about the earthquake in california?

it was all san andreas fault

What fruit does California hate?

STRAWberry

Did you hear about that politician who objected to building another reservoir in California?

His argument didn't hold water.

California Roll

A man driving approaches a stop sign and slows down to a cool 5 mph, rolls smoothly across the crosswalk, looks both ways, and glides forward when he sees the coast is clear.

Unbeknownst to him, a cop sees this and pulls him over on the next block.

The cop pulls the guy out of the car ...

Guy A-"I was born in California."

Guy B- "Which part?"

Guy A- "All of me."

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A guy California short stops a stop sign

And keeps going down an empty road. A cop who was sitting at the opposite corner sees this and pulls him over.
As he heads towards the drivers side door, the driver is rolling down his window and asks "What seems to be the issue, officer?"

"Well, I saw you didn't stop at the stop sign," h...

Guy goes into a bar in California where there is a robot bartender.

The robot asks, “What will you have?” The guy replies, “Whisky.” The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ? The guy says, “168.” The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.

After the guy leaves the more he thinks about it,...

My college age son decided to wear a Trump 2020 shirt as a social experiment here in California.

So far he’s been yelled at, punched, kicked and spit on, & he hasn’t even left the house yet.....

A monkey and a weasel go to a bar in California

The monkey sits down at the bar and orders a beer. He gestures at the weasel and says, "he's driving though, so no beer for him." The bartender turns to the weasel and says, "alright, what'll you have?"

"Soda," goes the weasel.

A California ranch that was once owned by Ronald Reagan was being threatened by a wildfire

Firefighters attempted to save it by pouring water on a nearby hill and hoping it would trickle down.

/nsfw An Arizona cowboy and a California cowboy are riding the fence line one day.

They come across a sheep with its head stick in the fence. The Arizona cowboy jumps off his horse, drops his jeans, and has his way with the sheep.

When he gets finished, he looks at the California cowboy and asks, “You wanna have a go?”

The California cowboy says, “Hell yeah!” and ju...

Steve is in his car driving on the highway by the ocean in California...

...when he stops and asks God for just 1 wish for being a super faithful and good human being. God instantly appears and tells Steve that he has earned the right for one wish.

Steve: I wish for a bridge from here to Hawaii so that I can drive there and have a great time

God: Ehhhh! You...

People in California...

At first, people in California were like "Oh, we don't have enough water!" and now they're like "Oh, we have too much water!"
___
They can't make up their *dam* minds.

California's new slogan is...

"When they go low, we get high"

California is like a box of cereal...

When you get rid of all the fruits and nuts, all that's left are the flakes.

Christmas Carol not to be sung in Southern California...

Oh the weather outside is frightful...
But the fire is so delightful...
And since you have no place to go....

The hells angels are riding....

On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped.
John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the S...

In California, you can always find a party

In Soviet Russia, the party can always find you

What do you call a waffle made in California?

A sandy Eggo.

I heard about a guy caught speeding in California

He was going 88 mph in a Delorean

Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.

California Day

While walking through Golden Gate Park in San Francisco , a man came upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
...

I live in California and my friend told me, “I wish the leaves here changed color.” I told him, “the leaves in California change all the time...

they go from green to on fire.”

What do you call a lot of choppers in Northern California?

Hellacopters

In California...

Did you know that in California you cannot take a picture of a woman with a basket of strawberries?


...you need a camera because strawberries do not take pictures.

Two fleas go to California for vacation

One winter year, these two little fleas headed for the warm sunny beaches of California to escape the cold. The first flea got there and started rubbing suntan lotion on his little flea arms and his little flee legs. Just then, the second flea arrived just a shiverin' and a shakin'. The first flea a...

A couple was preparing to take a beach vacation in California...

The wife had something come up at work the day of their departure. The couple pondered what to do before deciding that the husband should go ahead and take the flight to their destination and the wife would follow the next day.

The husband had a nice flight, consuming four bags of peanuts wh...

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecke...

A kid was begging his dad to move to California.

Dad: Give me one reason why I should agree


Kid: California starts with Cal


Dad: And?


Kid: Calculator also starts with Cal


Dad: What does that mean?


Kid: It all adds up

California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.

Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep crac...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It seems that the California Dept. of Transportation wanted to build a highway that went right smack through Chief Bowels' teepee.

It seems that the California Dept. of Transportation wanted to build a highway that went right smack through Chief Bowels' teepee. Chief Bowels said, "Bowels no move," and the chief engineer said, "See my supervisor here at this address; second floor, first door on LEFT." Well, Chief Bowels found th...

A marine biologist at the University of California Santa Cruz

A marine biologist at the University of California Santa Cruz was elated to discover a food that when fed to dolphins enabled them to live eternal lives. One day the biologist found that he was out of seagull mash, a main ingredient in the eternal life food. Worried that the he would miss the next c...

Now that most of California has banned the use of straws,

I just going to have to drink my frappuccino through this assault rifle.

With the quarantine, California highway patrol's job suddenly got a lot more boring.

There was a trooper on the side of the 101 fighting to keep his eyes open, as there was empty road as far as he could see. Suddenly, he heard the roar of a charger zip past him. He flicked on his lights and siren and went after it. He clocked them going at 100MPH!

The car quickly pulled ov...

Why does California have so many lawyers and New York has so much garbage?

New York had first choice.

What do you call a group of California Highway Patrolmen with chewing tobacco?

CHiPs and dip.

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