UPJOKE
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What do you call a waffle on a California beach?

A Sandy Eggo.
- Compliments of my cousin's 6 year old daughter (She says "Hi" by the way).

-EDIT: Wow, this blew up a lot more than I thought it would. My first gold and my first post to make it to the front page. You are too kind, Reddit.

The Pope decides to take a cross-country tour across America, beginning in California and ending in New York.

Somewhere in the Mid-West, the Popemobile breaks down, and while it’s repaired, the Pope continued his journey with a limousine rental.

After a few hours, the limousine driver rolled down the glass partition, and spoke: “I know I’m not supposed to talk to you, your holiness, or highness - I’m...

A Californian, a Texan and a local are drinking at a bar in Big Sky, MT

After a little bit, The Californian finishes his martini, turns and throws his glass against the wall.

The Bartender, shocked, asks him why the hell he did that.

Californian replies that where he's from, they make so much money they don't have to drink out of the same glass twice.
<...

As Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger had to attend many high society functions. One such function was a fund raiser which featured a symphony orchestra playing a medley of pieces by famous composers.

Arnie, as is well known, has only one preference when it comes to classical composers, but sat patiently during the performance.

There were selections by Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Tchaikovsky and more.

The Governor began to get quite perturbed when, after over an hour and half, his favo...

What's the difference between an actor from California and a senator from Texas?

One will punch a man for talking badly about his wife, the other will help that man become president.

A recent study found that California has the highest rate of Depression and Infidelity in America.

It's a sad state of affairs.

Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?

California had first choice!

**just a joke, I respect your right to your opinion and free expression **

I was born in california

A: "I was born in California."
B: "Which part?"
A: "All of me."


A: "Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
B: "No, I'm sorry I don't."
A: "Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."

New California law makes theft under $950 a misdemeanor.

There's this new law in CA that makes theft under $950 a misdemeanor. People are stealing less than $950 worth of stuff with little to no consequences. It's getting so bad, when I went to buy a Snickers bar, the price tag said $951 dollars.

Redneck

Having grown up in a small Alabama town, my friend James couldn’t wait to tell us all about life in California, where he was stationed.

"The malls are massive, and the restaurants are great," he said. Then he grinned. "I even went to a topless bar."

"Really?" said his mother, surprised...

Why is a waffle at the beach like a city in Southern California?

Because it's a Sandy Eggo.

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headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

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Salesman

A kid from Louisiana moves to California and is looking for a job.

The manager asks, “Do you have any sales experience?”

The kid says, “Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Louisiana."

The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job.

“You start tomorrow. After we close we'...

Confusing

A psychiatrist visited a California mental institution and asked a patient, "How did you get here? What was the nature of your illness?" He got the following reply.

"Well, it all started when I got married and I guess I should never have done it. I married a widow with a grown daughter who t...

Not All Seniors are Senile

A balding, white haired man from Sherman Oaks in California , walked into a jewelery store in
a local mall this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and ...

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Daddy Longlegs

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. Suddenly, she just stopped and stared at the ground. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.

"Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" ...

Did you hear about the California owl conspiracy network?

They're calling themselves the "ca-hoots".

A California ranch that was once owned by Ronald Reagan was being threatened by a wildfire

Firefighters attempted to save it by pouring water on a nearby hill and hoping it would trickle down.

A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert

When they ran into a family of skunks. They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk. The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to t...

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Beach Bum Theologian

A scraggly old man use to wander up and down this beach I lived at in Northern California. He'd always grin wide-eyed to whomever he passed proclaiming: "Get ready brother! God is coming!" or "Good morning sister, hope your soul knows God is nigh upon us!" To a potpourri of mixed receptions. Mostly ...

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An obituary

Sad news: It is with great sadness that we report the passing of the Pillsbury Doughboy. The cause of his death was from a yeast infection and trauma from repeated pokes in his belly.
Doughboy was buried in a greased coffin, with the gravesite piled high with flours.
Dozens of celebrit...

Question: Who is the Governor of California after Yesterday's Election?

Answer: We can't recall.

God and the Biker, I will grant you one wish...

A biker was riding on a highway along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said: "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said: "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I  c...

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Elon Musk says he is going to pull Tesla out of California

Never trust a guy with 6 kids that says he is going to pull out

Why did the non-binary prospector move to California in 1849?

Because there was gold in them/their hills.

A miner moves out west to California...

A miner moves out west to California. Having spent a few years in Colorado, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dawn 'til dusk in the mines, and then up from dusk 'til dawn drinking and playing card games.

So, to his surprise, when he moves to Bluster's Bl...

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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the
gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again "W...

What happens when you’re driving on a highway in California and the smoke clears?

UCLA

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It seems that the California Dept. of Transportation wanted to build a highway that went right smack through Chief Bowels' teepee.

It seems that the California Dept. of Transportation wanted to build a highway that went right smack through Chief Bowels' teepee. Chief Bowels said, "Bowels no move," and the chief engineer said, "See my supervisor here at this address; second floor, first door on LEFT." Well, Chief Bowels found th...

The Man Who Knows Where Everyone Is From

There were a bunch of tough dudes hanging out in a bar. One of them started bragging that he could tell where anyone was from just by looking at them.

One burly dude stepped up and asked “Where am I from, then?” The guy looked at the burly dude and concluded he was from California. He was ri...

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Timber Land

A young woman from California purchased a piece of timber land in Oregon. There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted to get a good view of her land, so she started to climb the big tree.

As she neared the top, she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her....

A cop drives past my open garage in California, and notices my plants and grow lamps. He stops and shouts, “You better not be growing weed with those lamps!”

“You’re gonna need at least twice the wattage and a lot more room!”

California scientists are studying the impact of cannabis seeds from the farms will have on the local seabird population

Apparently they are being thorough and are leaving no tern unstoned

My friend went to California last year, he saw 2 people arguing. A European and an American, they were arguing about whether Americans were stupid or not, the European then said "You're proof that Americans are stupid" and the American responded:

I'm not even American, I'm Californian!

New California Department

To save money California is combining the Dept of Fish and Wildlife and the Highway Patrol. The new department is called the Department of Fish and Chips.

:)

What is the most popular type of tree in California?

Ash.

What do they celebrate instead of Easter in California?

Wester.

A man and his wife were travelling down to sunny California for their honeymoon.

The husband arranged to go to their hotel a day earlier to prepare, and upon arrival sent his wife a quick email. But unfortunately he misspelled the address, and it got sent to a grieving widow, who's pastor husband had died the day before.

When the widow checked her email, she let out a shr...

Did you hear about that politician who objected to building another reservoir in California?

His argument didn't hold water.

The air in California is so toxic

I think I might date it.

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What do you call the area between a California woman’s boobs?

Silicone Valley

California pick up line

I have electricity.

There have been several small quakes in California since the beginning of the COVID19 outbreak, and scientists have determined that San Diego and Oceanside are now about 6 feet further apart.

They’re calling it SoCal distancing.

Bridge to Hawaii

One day, a man found a lamp in an old antique store and when he picked it up, **POOF** a genie popped out.
"I shall grant you anything you wish, but choose wisely, because I can only grant one." The genie said.
The man thought for a moment before saying, "I want a bridge from California to...

My college age son decided to wear a Trump 2020 shirt as a social experiment here in California.

So far he’s been yelled at, punched, kicked and spit on, & he hasn’t even left the house yet.....

If California splits into 3 states, we just need to make Puerto Rico a state.

We’d have a prime number of states and finally be “one nation, indivisible”

/nsfw An Arizona cowboy and a California cowboy are riding the fence line one day.

They come across a sheep with its head stick in the fence. The Arizona cowboy jumps off his horse, drops his jeans, and has his way with the sheep.

When he gets finished, he looks at the California cowboy and asks, “You wanna have a go?”

The California cowboy says, “Hell yeah!” and ju...

Steve is in his car driving on the highway by the ocean in California...

...when he stops and asks God for just 1 wish for being a super faithful and good human being. God instantly appears and tells Steve that he has earned the right for one wish.

Steve: I wish for a bridge from here to Hawaii so that I can drive there and have a great time

God: Ehhhh! You...

Woke up in California today

Now I know why they call it, *Orange County*

Guy goes into a bar in California where there is a robot bartender.

The robot asks, “What will you have?” The guy replies, “Whisky.” The robot brings back his drink and asks, “What’s your IQ? The guy says, “168.” The robot continues to talk about physics, space exploration, and medical technology.

After the guy leaves the more he thinks about it,...

What did Saint Andrew say when the big earthquake hit California?

my fault




(San Andreas is Spanish for Saint Andrew)

An old man is riding his Harley through California,

As he was riding, he saw a shiny object on the side of the road. The old man pulled over, picked it up, dusted it off and discovered it was a genie lamp. He rubbed the lamp and the genie appeared.

"You have freed me from the bottle, so I shall grant you one wish. Name your wish!" Stated the G...

A poll was taken by California Governor Gavin Newsom's office which asked whether people who live in California think Illegal immigration is a serious problem:

29% of respondents answered: "Yes, It is a serious problem."

71% of respondents answered: "No es una problema seriosa."

In California, one American queuing for Coronavirus testing

In California, one American queuing for Coronavirus testing, waited half a day and getting angry, told the person behind him that he had enough of this waiting. He requested the person behind him to save his place in the queue as he is going to shoot Trump.



After few hours he came ba...

California is looking to eradicate a once popular item.

Apparently it was the last straw.

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There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

Fortunately the California earthquakes were a bit out in the desert so not many people got hurt.

But a few snakes were rattled.

It is 1850 in California, where a group of miners are looking for gold.

Hundreds of miners flock to a local river and reserve their spots for mining.

Some manage to secure a spot on the river before the rush, and the spots are taken instantly. Ones that slept in are too late and have to move on to the next one. Some of them will never find gold, even the.miners i...

Brunette: “Where were you born?”

Blonde: “California.” Brunette: “Which part?” Blonde: “All of me.”

A Hawaii woodpecker and a California woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.

The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The California woodpecker accepted his challenge, and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.

The California woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecke...

A California guy buys some used SCUBA gear...

Eager to try it out, he drives down to the beach, throws on some sunscreen, pulls on his wetsuit and heads out into the surf.

He’s only under water for a minute when he suddenly can’t get any air! Coughing and choking he barely makes it back to the beach. A surfer sees him and says, “Someth...

A passenger at an airport in New York was at the counter

-I'm going California for business, I want to go to Los Angeles, I want to send the big suitcase in my right hand to San Francisco and the smaller suitcase on ground to San Diego.

-Excuse me sir, but I'm afraid that's not possible, we can't do that.

-Great then, because that's what you...

A man was walking along a beach in California when he stumbled across an old lamp.

As he rubbed it, a genie popped out and granted him a wish.

‘Let me see,’ said the guy. ‘I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared of flying and get seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can go there on vacation?’

The genie scratched his head. ‘A bridge f...

Why California is broke and Texas is not.

The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor's dog, then bites the governor. The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie Bambi and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.<...

It’s a great time to live in California

Because all the giant tsunamis caused by the giant earthquakes can put out the giant fires

A monkey and a weasel go to a bar in California

The monkey sits down at the bar and orders a beer. He gestures at the weasel and says, "he's driving though, so no beer for him." The bartender turns to the weasel and says, "alright, what'll you have?"

"Soda," goes the weasel.

What is the difference between the Titanic and California?

When the Titanic sank the lights were still on.

California legalized marijuana

I guess they had a high voter turnout.

A U. S. Navy destroyer stops four Mexicans in a row boat rowing towards California...

The captain gets on the loud-hailer and shouts, "Ahoy, small craft. Where are you headed?"

One of the Mexicans puts down his oar, stands up, and replies, "We are invading the United States of America to reclaim the territory taken by the USA during the 1800s."

The entire crew of the ...

Why does California have so many lawyers and New York has so much garbage?

New York had first choice.

Now that weed is legal in California, I don't need my Xanax prescription anymore.

I was always suffering from chronic anxiety I was about to be arrested for illegal possession.

It's getting real bad here in California. I just got robbed at the gas station. I called the cops and they asked if I knew who did it.

"It was pump #5," I replied.

My sister in California said she felt two earthquakes just in the last week.

I told her it was her fault.

Signs of our times

My brother says hiring in California is so low, they updated the policy - Long hair freaky people "may" apply.

Christmas Carol not to be sung in Southern California...

Oh the weather outside is frightful...
But the fire is so delightful...
And since you have no place to go....

Beach Boys: If everybody had an ocean across the USA, then everybody'd be surfin’ like California.

Climate change scientist: You're missing the point, Boys.

Memories - Robin Williams Told this Originally

I was moving to California when I stopped at one of those old Indian trading posts somewhere in the desert.

One of the attractions there was an Native American with a sign beside him that read "this man has greatest memory in the world $5 per question" So I paid my $5 and asked him a questio...

With the quarantine, California highway patrol's job suddenly got a lot more boring.

There was a trooper on the side of the 101 fighting to keep his eyes open, as there was empty road as far as he could see. Suddenly, he heard the roar of a charger zip past him. He flicked on his lights and siren and went after it. He clocked them going at 100MPH!

The car quickly pulled ov...

California on lockdown

California has decided to lock down its cities. Many queued to get the Covid-19 test. After queuing for hours, one guy told the person next to him and said “I can’t take it anymore, I am going to kill Trump, please save the queue space for me”.
After a few hours, he came back to his queued space....

You wanna know what’s not illegal in California?

Wildfires.

I heard it's a great time to buy in California.

Real-estate's on fire there!

With the crisis in Northern California one could argue PG&E is utilizing its talents.

They are pulling a total power move.

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A California business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected.

Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Ga...

Driving through Southern California, I stopped at a roadside stand that sold fruit, vegetables and crafts. As I went to pay, I noticed the young woman behind the counter was painting a sign.

“Why the new sign?” I asked.

“My boyfriend didn't approve of the old one,” she said.

When I glanced at what hung above the counter, I understood. It declared: "Local Honey Dates Nuts."

A couple was preparing to take a beach vacation in California...

The wife had something come up at work the day of their departure. The couple pondered what to do before deciding that the husband should go ahead and take the flight to their destination and the wife would follow the next day.

The husband had a nice flight, consuming four bags of peanuts wh...

What’s California’s favorite band?

Earth Wind and Fire.

What do you call a group of California Highway Patrolmen with chewing tobacco?

CHiPs and dip.

Now that most of California has banned the use of straws,

I just going to have to drink my frappuccino through this assault rifle.

Pure Breed?

A Polar Bear and his son were walking through the icy glaciers, when the little Polar Bear says to his father, "Dad... are we pure blooded Polar Bear?" The father bear looks at his son and says, "Why, yes son, of course we are!"

The next day the little Polar Bear is hunting for seals with his...

In California, you can always find a party

In Soviet Russia, the party can always find you

A US Air Force drill instructor stood in front of his new recruits.

"Recruit Bains!" He yelled. "Where did you enlist?"

"In California, sir," Bains replied. "There was an Air Force recruiting station next to a Navy recruiting station."

"Then why," the D.I. asked, "Did you choose the Air Force?"

"Because, sir," Bains answered. "What goes up mu...

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A guy California short stops a stop sign

And keeps going down an empty road. A cop who was sitting at the opposite corner sees this and pulls him over.
As he heads towards the drivers side door, the driver is rolling down his window and asks "What seems to be the issue, officer?"

"Well, I saw you didn't stop at the stop sign," h...

A kid was begging his dad to move to California.

Dad: Give me one reason why I should agree


Kid: California starts with Cal


Dad: And?


Kid: Calculator also starts with Cal


Dad: What does that mean?


Kid: It all adds up

While in California, I wanted to enjoy breakfast at Mission Beach and some guy just threw my waffle on the ground.

I hate sandy Eggo.

Four Nordic men with terrible memories took a trip.

Four Nordic men with terrible memories, Finn, Mark, Lan, and Svee, took a trip.

Together, they travelled far and wide - they sipped wine under the Eiffel tower, climbed Kilimanjaro, met elephants in Thailand, saw the Hollywood sign in California, road tripped across the US, and ended up in Ne...

What do you call a waffle made in California?

A sandy Eggo.

California hasn't fallen into the sea, so apparently it worked.

Back in the 1970's there was a cult in California who believed that they could save California by appeasing the San Andreas. There were parts of San Andreas that literally gaped open wide, and members of the cult were noted for throwing all their earthly possessions down into the amazingly deep crac...

What do you get when you drift a car in California?

Night of Fire

What do you call a lot of choppers in Northern California?

Hellacopters

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Semi bilingual joke

Japanese animated pornography made in California is hot... Because it's Cali hentai (caliente)

LeBron James tweets he's had to evacuate due to California wildfires

Hope the Chinese are taking fire evacuees.

California Census

When California was determining its census rules, a law similar to the three fifths compromise was considered, under which two Asian Americans would be counted the same as one caucasian.

The law was rejected, because the lawmakers all agreed that two Wongs don't make a white.

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