A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,

"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought o...

Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the Marijuana...

The judges have started issuing joint custody

A C-130 was being deployed from Peterson AFB, Colorado

An hour into the flight, the plane began losing altitude. Acting quickly, the pilot decided it was necessary to airdrop items to be tracked down later in order to reach the nearest airport.

First to go was the Base Commander's new Humvee. Next was a large crate of MREs. Finally, a crate of t...

A man dies at the Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, and Utah border.

He had to have four coroners.

The Oblivious Miner

A miner moves out to Colorado. Having spent a few years in California, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dusk 'til dawn in the mines, and then from dawn 'til dusk drinking, playing card games and occasionally have some great night with them lady(or ladies).
...

It’s really tough being a color blind person from Colorado

The only thing I see is “ado”

People in Colorado keep saying minorities don't belong, but if they learned a little Spanish

They would see their state means colored.

Kansas, Colorado, New Mexico, and Texas are all about to Outlaw Interstate Begging

These four states are all against the Oklahoma panhandle.

I had one colorblind friend who just couldn't read Colorado

It was ado for him always.

The Coors Brewery in Golden, Colorado has caught fire.

Thank God they have nothing but water there to put it out with.

With all the tax dollars weed sales in Colorado is raising for education...

Those schools are going to be dope.

My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn’t a good idea.

The steaks would be too high.

A Colorado company has just given up on THC infused beef

They said the steaks were just too high.

An Aurora Colorado police officer walks into a bar...

Just kidding he was black out drunk and passed out in his car instead.

As a Hilary supporter in Colorado, I'm still happy with the outcome of the election.

Since proposition 106 passed I can legally kill myself now that trump won.

Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using hemp as a feed source for cattle.

The steaks have never been higher.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Colorado Springs police are looking for the 'Mad Pooper'.

The jogger is suspected in a shit-and-run incident. She's been declared public enemy number two. So far they've been unable to flush her out.

Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado?

Because the steaks are too high.

What do you get when you combine someone from Colorado and someone from Idaho?

A Baked Potato

Something funny my daughter said

I took the family on a road trip to Colorado to go snowboarding. (FYI: my kids are Vietnamese).

Had my two youngest daughters in the back, Nhi 9 & Oanh 11.

Youngest was reading license plates off, "Kansas, Texas, Colorado" etc.

Then I hear Nhi (little one) in her viet/engl...

TIL of an odd political problem in Colorado.

Cattle has long been the number one agricultural product of Colorado, but the recent legalization of marijuana is causing significant and unforeseen problems.

Apparently, cows love marijuana as much as people, and cattle ranches and nearby marijuana farms are on the brink of open warfare. Co...

Good for Christian Bale, visiting the victims of the Aurora, Colorado massacre.

I heard some of them even got to meet Heath Ledger.

It's remarkable that nobody has opened a "grass fed" steakhouse in Colorado yet.....On the other hand....

They might just be afraid that the steaks would be too high.

Blonde and the insemination man

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a

Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,

the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to
impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
where the cow's stall is in the barn. ...

whats a similarity between colorado and saudi arabia?

It's legal to get stoned

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't go for that shit

Back before the west had been settled a young man had seen the worst of humanity and decided that he wanted to live on his own. So, he packed up all his belongings and headed for the mountains of Colorado and lived as a trapper.

After a year of trapping he takes his pelts into town and goes ...

In Colorado you're American

In Juarez you're a Mexican.
In the bathroom European.

An American hiker walks to the edge of a Himalayan cliff, determined to end it all.

As he stares down at the rocks below, he notices a man out of the corner of his eye. He glances over and sees a Buddhist monk standing between two trees. The monk beckons him with his hand.

With nothing to lose, the man shuffles over to the monk, who is holding a string of prayer flags. "You...

What do you call a dance party in Colorado?

Shake 'n Bake.

Topical Jokes for 10/19

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

Carmaker Audi has tested a driver-less car at speeds of up to 140 mph. The driver-less supercar is perfect for the parent who’s too drunk to drive, but needs to pick their kids up from school in three seconds.

In Be...

The hells angels are riding....

On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped.
John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the S...

Maraijuana Inspector

A DEA inspector is visiting a farm in Colorado. He introduces himself to the farmer and says "I am here to inspect your farm for maraijuana cultivation". The farmer say "sure you can look around, just DON'T GO to the farm behind the BARN."

The inspector is FURIOUS, whips out his badge and sh...

Ha-bean Anniversary

There lived a woman in Colorado who had a maddening obsession and passion for baked beans. She loved them, but they always seemed to give her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet ...

Hawaii is hosting a party for all the states. Hawaii says, “be there or be square!”

Unfortunately, Colorado and Wyoming didn’t attend.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor because I was constipated

He said, "When did this start?"

"After I moved to Colorado," I replied.

He told me to start shittin or get off the pot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dr. Appointment

I had a physical a couple of weeks ago, and the doctor asked pretty basic questions.
Do you smoke?
Only in Colorado.
Do you drink?
Only on nickel shot night.
How much per week do you work out
I asked her if sex counts
She looked up from his clipboard, sighed, flashed back t...

A lot of cities like to name their sports teams after their states major disasters

For example:

- Chicago Fire (Soccer)
- Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
- Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
- San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
- Miami Hurricanes (Football)
- New York City Jets (Football)

Original joke taken from a comment by u/toastytreats

A White House construction bid.

A drunk driver runs through the iron gates on Pennsylvania Ave and a White House official has been tasked with contracting the fix and getting a quote breakdown.

He calls a general contractor in Texas. "Yezzir, that'll be a $3k job. $2500 for me and $500 to my Mexican crew".

The offici...

"Fifty Bucks is Fifty Bucks" reminded me of this one.

A man and his wife were driving from New York to California. Along the way the wife would find every little thing wrong with her husband's driving.
"You're driving too fast." "You missed that exit." "You're tailgating."
This went on throughout the trip. As their car crossed the border ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Californian, a Texan, and a Coloradan are sitting at a bar...

The Californian drinks half his bottle of wine before throwing it up in the air and shooting the bottle.

"What was that for??" The bartender asks.

"I'm from California," The Californian replies, "We've got plenty of wine"

"Fair enough," says the bartender and he goes about his w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

College Football Jokes - Enjoy!

Don't know where they came from, but they are worth a chuckle or two.

> Ohio State's
> Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know
> the meaning of the word
> fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know
> the meaning of a lot of
> words...

3 brewery presidents walk into a bar...

3 brewery presidents walk into a bar. One from Corona, Coors and Guinness.

The president from Corona says to the bartender, "Give me a Corona, the best Mexico has to offer" and the bartender hands him one.

Next, the Coors president orders a Coors saying "Hand me the only beer in the ...

Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)

Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days.

Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?"

Big Catholic ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the...

The obligatory "cattle guard" joke for the next president

Stolen from [Snopes](http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/cattleguards.asp)

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), t...

A couple of Hobos are sitting under an overpass sharing some hobo chili...

When Colorado Curly Bo says to Dakota Slim, "So, how'd you end up like this?"

Dakota Slim says, "Booze."

Bo says, "Yeah, I know how that is."

Dakota Slim continues, "I had it all; a beautiful wife, big house, two-car garage, and I just drank it all away."

He pauses, and ...

You may have heard on the news about a southern Californian man...

Who was put under 72 hour psychiatric observation when it was found that he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammo stored in his home.

My favorite quote from the dimwit tv reporter:"Wow! He has a quarter million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive...

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