A cowboy, who just moved to Montana from Texas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud.

He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.

When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy,

"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it.

It would taste better if you bought o...

A man dies at the Arizona, Colorado, New Mexico, and Utah border.

He had to have four coroners.

A miner moves out west to California...

A miner moves out west to California. Having spent a few years in Colorado, he has a pretty good idea of the sort of lifestyle miner's live; up from dawn 'til dusk in the mines, and then up from dusk 'til dawn drinking and playing card games.

So, to his surprise, when he moves to Bluster's Bl...

Divorced couples in Colorado are having trouble deciding who gets the Marijuana...

The judges have started issuing joint custody

It’s really tough being a color blind person from Colorado

The only thing I see is “ado”

A C-130 was being deployed from Peterson AFB, Colorado

An hour into the flight, the plane began losing altitude. Acting quickly, the pilot decided it was necessary to airdrop items to be tracked down later in order to reach the nearest airport.

First to go was the Base Commander's new Humvee. Next was a large crate of MREs. Finally, a crate of t...

I had one colorblind friend who just couldn't read Colorado

It was ado for him always.

The Coors Brewery in Golden, Colorado has caught fire.

Thank God they have nothing but water there to put it out with.

I'm thinking of moving to Colorado

When I get there, I'll open a combination dispensary and fast food restaurant.
I'll call it the Burger Joint.

An Aurora Colorado police officer walks into a bar...

Just kidding he was black out drunk and passed out in his car instead.

With all the tax dollars weed sales in Colorado is raising for education...

Those schools are going to be dope.

Ranchers in Colorado are conducting a crucial experiment on the environmental sustainability of using hemp as a feed source for cattle.

The steaks have never been higher.

Kansas, Colorado, New Mexico, and Texas are all about to Outlaw Interstate Begging

These four states are all against the Oklahoma panhandle.

A Colorado company has just given up on THC infused beef

They said the steaks were just too high.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I don't go for that shit

Back before the west had been settled a young man had seen the worst of humanity and decided that he wanted to live on his own. So, he packed up all his belongings and headed for the mountains of Colorado and lived as a trapper.

After a year of trapping he takes his pelts into town and goes ...

People in Colorado keep saying minorities don't belong, but if they learned a little Spanish

They would see their state means colored.

As a Hilary supporter in Colorado, I'm still happy with the outcome of the election.

Since proposition 106 passed I can legally kill myself now that trump won.

My friend lives in Colorado and wanted to start growing weed on his cow farm. I told him it wasn’t a good idea.

The steaks would be too high.

Why do butchers avoid buying cattle from Colorado?

Because the steaks are too high.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Colorado Springs police are looking for the 'Mad Pooper'.

The jogger is suspected in a shit-and-run incident. She's been declared public enemy number two. So far they've been unable to flush her out.

An American hiker walks to the edge of a Himalayan cliff, determined to end it all.

As he stares down at the rocks below, he notices a man out of the corner of his eye. He glances over and sees a Buddhist monk standing between two trees. The monk beckons him with his hand.

With nothing to lose, the man shuffles over to the monk, who is holding a string of prayer flags. "You...

Did you guys hear about that girl they found murdered in Colorado? They found her covered in milk with cheerios still in her mouth.

They think it was a cereal killer....

TIL of an odd political problem in Colorado.

Cattle has long been the number one agricultural product of Colorado, but the recent legalization of marijuana is causing significant and unforeseen problems.

Apparently, cows love marijuana as much as people, and cattle ranches and nearby marijuana farms are on the brink of open warfare. Co...

What do you call a potato from Colorado?

A baked potato

Good for Christian Bale, visiting the victims of the Aurora, Colorado massacre.

I heard some of them even got to meet Heath Ledger.

Blonde and the insemination man

A blonde city girl named Amy marries a

Colorado rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows,

the rancher says to Amy, "The insemination man is coming over to
impregnate one of our cows, so I drove a nail into the 2x4 just above
where the cow's stall is in the barn. ...

What do you get when you combine someone from Colorado and someone from Idaho?

A Baked Potato

Something funny my daughter said

I took the family on a road trip to Colorado to go snowboarding. (FYI: my kids are Vietnamese).

Had my two youngest daughters in the back, Nhi 9 & Oanh 11.

Youngest was reading license plates off, "Kansas, Texas, Colorado" etc.

Then I hear Nhi (little one) in her viet/engl...

It's remarkable that nobody has opened a "grass fed" steakhouse in Colorado yet.....On the other hand....

They might just be afraid that the steaks would be too high.

In Colorado you're American

In Juarez you're a Mexican.
In the bathroom European.

The hells angels are riding....

On January 13th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, California bikers were riding along Colorado Street in Pasadena when they saw a girl about to jump off Pasadena's Suicide Bridge. So they stopped.
John, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the S...

whats a similarity between colorado and saudi arabia?

It's legal to get stoned

Hawaii is hosting a party for all the states. Hawaii says, “be there or be square!”

Unfortunately, Colorado and Wyoming didn’t attend.

Ha-bean Anniversary

There lived a woman in Colorado who had a maddening obsession and passion for baked beans. She loved them, but they always seemed to give her a very embarrassing, and somewhat lively reaction. When it became apparent that she and her boyfriend would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went to the doctor because I was constipated

He said, "When did this start?"

"After I moved to Colorado," I replied.

He told me to start shittin or get off the pot.

"Fifty Bucks is Fifty Bucks" reminded me of this one.

A man and his wife were driving from New York to California. Along the way the wife would find every little thing wrong with her husband's driving.
"You're driving too fast." "You missed that exit." "You're tailgating."
This went on throughout the trip. As their car crossed the border ...

A man was walking along the road when he saw a Native American with his ears to the ground, muttering words.

The man walked over and listened to what the Native American was saying.


The Native American was muttering: "Big minivan, blue Honda, man driving with dog, Colorado license plate, travel 125 mile a hour."



The man was surprised and asked the Native American how he knows th...

A lot of cities like to name their sports teams after their states major disasters

For example:

- Chicago Fire (Soccer)
- Colorado Avalanche (Hockey)
- Kansas City Tornadoes (Basketball)
- San Jose Earthquakes (Soccer)
- Miami Hurricanes (Football)
- New York City Jets (Football)

Original joke taken from a comment by u/toastytreats

A White House construction bid.

A drunk driver runs through the iron gates on Pennsylvania Ave and a White House official has been tasked with contracting the fix and getting a quote breakdown.

He calls a general contractor in Texas. "Yezzir, that'll be a $3k job. $2500 for me and $500 to my Mexican crew".

The offici...

Topical Jokes for 10/19

(for best results, read in the voice of your favorite late night host)

Carmaker Audi has tested a driver-less car at speeds of up to 140 mph. The driver-less supercar is perfect for the parent who’s too drunk to drive, but needs to pick their kids up from school in three seconds.

In Be...

Maraijuana Inspector

A DEA inspector is visiting a farm in Colorado. He introduces himself to the farmer and says "I am here to inspect your farm for maraijuana cultivation". The farmer say "sure you can look around, just DON'T GO to the farm behind the BARN."

The inspector is FURIOUS, whips out his badge and sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mercurial rocker hands out backstage passes...

A mercurial rocker of a popular band was known to give out many backstage passes. Now this happens all the time in the music industry; however this rocker always handed out the same pass to many women, and never changed it. The pass was for Tulsa OK, and he'd give out the large TULSA backstage pas...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Reunion

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.
Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Californian, a Texan, and a Coloradan are sitting at a bar...

The Californian drinks half his bottle of wine before throwing it up in the air and shooting the bottle.

"What was that for??" The bartender asks.

"I'm from California," The Californian replies, "We've got plenty of wine"

"Fair enough," says the bartender and he goes about his w...

3 brewery presidents walk into a bar...

3 brewery presidents walk into a bar. One from Corona, Coors and Guinness.

The president from Corona says to the bartender, "Give me a Corona, the best Mexico has to offer" and the bartender hands him one.

Next, the Coors president orders a Coors saying "Hand me the only beer in the ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

College Football Jokes - Enjoy!

Don't know where they came from, but they are worth a chuckle or two.

> Ohio State's
> Urban Meyer on one of his players: "He doesn't know
> the meaning of the word
> fear. In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know
> the meaning of a lot of
> words...

Topical Jokes (5/25-5/26)

Hey, sorry for the tardiness! Been on the road lately. Here's some jokes to cap up the last couple days.

Governor Christie met with Snooki over the weekend, but things got a tad awkward when Christie licked his lips and asked, "But seriously, are you actually a meatball?"

Big Catholic ...

You may have heard on the news about a southern Californian man...

Who was put under 72 hour psychiatric observation when it was found that he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammo stored in his home.

My favorite quote from the dimwit tv reporter:"Wow! He has a quarter million machine gun bullets." The headline referred to it as a "massive...

The obligatory "cattle guard" joke for the next president

Stolen from [Snopes](http://www.snopes.com/politics/humor/cattleguards.asp)

For those of you who have never traveled to the west, or southwest, cattle guards are horizontal steel rails placed at fence openings, in dug-out places in the roads adjacent to highways (sometimes across highways), t...

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