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Af Jokes

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What do you call a black man that is hammered AF that is stumbling to his car from the bar?

An Uber so he can get home safely

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There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

Dating an homeless girl is cool af

Cause u can just drop her off anywhere

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

How do you know if a person is sad and bored af?

You'll probably see one in the comment section.

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Superman was flying over metropolis and thought "Man, I am horny af."

Just then he saw Wonder Woman on top of a building getting a tan. Asshole naked with her legs spread wide open. Superman thought, " I can fly down there, get some of that Wonder pussy and fly away before she even knows." So he flies down, gets it in, gets off, and flies away. All in under a second. ...

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A drug addict stumbles upon a magic lamp

A drug addict stumbles upon a shiny lamp. As soon as he picked it up, ... pufff... a Genie appeared from the smokes.

"I shall grant you **three wishes**!", the genie said.

The drug addict, without hesitation: "Let's do a line of cocaine for both of us"

Poof... A line of cocaine ...

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As a Muslim redditor, I feel disappointed...

That my posts never blows up.

Edit 1: Everyone says that my jokes are the bomb, but still this shit didn't explode.

Edit 2: KA-BOOOM!

Edit 3: For those wondering, I am a Muslim for real and I find this shit funny af so chill out guys, no need to hate on religions, we're at /r/jo...

“Son, I killed 12 people in Afghanistan”

Son: Dad you were a cook.

Dad:Never said I was a good one

What do you call a priest's pecker? (Dry AF)

Holywood..

Sir Isaac Newton walks into his office…

And says.. ..I like them thicc af.

…But Sir, we can’t say that!

Sir Isaac Newton: Then say this “ The greater the mass, the greater the force of attraction.”

A guy enters in a bar, angry af, with an assault rifle.

The whole place goes silent as he slams the door.

Angry guy : Who in here slept with my wife?!?

Some random guy at the back of the bar starts to laugh.

Angry guy : What's so funny?!?

Random guy : No chance you have enough bullets in that gun !

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The Queen's breasts

The Queen's breasts

Once upon a time there lived a beautiful Queen with large breasts.

Sid, the Dragon Slayer, obsessed over the Queen for this reason. He knew that the penalty for his desire would be death, should he try to touch them, but he had to try.

One day Sid revealed hi...

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A lady dwarf goes to her gynecologist for her annual check up.

"Any issues or concerns?", asks the Dr.

"Well, now that you mention it, I have noticed that when it rains, my labia gets a bit red and sore."

"That's very unusual", says the Doc, "Hop up on table and let me take a look."

She does, and after a few minutes of checking he says she ...

Cop pulls over bad driver

Cop- sir do you realize how badly you were switching lanes?


Guy- sorry officer, I'm drunk af


Cop-that's not a valid reason to let your girlfriend drive the car

Bad joke i thought of late af at night

Did you hear the Kayse family are expecting a girl but they have prepared a boys name; Justin Kayse

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My ex girlfriend used to have sex with fruit whenever she got stressed.

After we broke up, she went fucking bananas.

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Guy gets a hotel room and asks for a hooker

A man heads to a seedy hotel to rent a room and asks the clerk where to find a prostitute.

The clerk says not to worry, he'll send one to the man's room in a few minutes.

The man goes to his room and sure enough, a few minutes later a prostitute knocks on his door.

"Hi honey, ho...

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A man burst through the front door of his house angry af.

He shouted at his wife "I've just come from the pub. The mailman was there bragging that he'd had sex with every woman on our street except for one. What do you have to say to that?"

She replied "I bet it's Karen from number 37. I always thought she was a frigid bitch"

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being too good in bed...

After 2 minutes, all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

A monkey is sitting in a tree, smoking a joint, when

a lizard walks past. The lizard looks up and says to the monkey “Hey! what are you doing?” The monkey says “Smoking a joint, come up and join me, my cold-blooded friend.”
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have another joint. After a while the lizard says his mouth is ‘d...

Two high af friends .....

Two friends were sitting in the street facing a mirror one of em asked the other to pass him a lighter his friend said he didn't have one and told him to ask those two facing them(pointing at the mirror)as he was getting up his friend pulled him back and said: wait one of em is coming.

I called my ex and told her she is ugly AF.

I regret it now. But I hope my manager will get impressed with my cold calling skills.

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Another dumb joke my dad told me, it's probably old af but I find it funny so here it is

A man dies and goes to heaven. At the gates of heaven, Saint Peter is waiting for him. The man is shocked, as he had never believed in God.
He says to Saint Peter "Listen dude, I've made a terrible mistake by not believing in God. But ya see, I've been a real good person and have supported many r...

(from my 11 yo) What does Darth Vader say after cutting someone's head off with a lightsaber?

"I find your lack of face disturbing."

So I went to a mixed religion seminar...

The Christian Priest came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of Jesus Christ, you will walk today!”

I smiled and told him I was not paralysed.

The Rabbi came, laid his hands on my hand and said, “By the will of God Almighty, you will walk today!

I was less amused...

My friend had recently lost it all and started giving blows behind Wendy’s.

He come to me so excited after a couple days and said he’d made $300.50.

Puzzled, I asked him “who gave you .50?”

He replied, “They all did!”

A politicians promise

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

”We have 2 basic needs sir,” replied the villager.

“Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”

On hearing this, politician whipped out his cellphone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village...

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How many dead hookers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Clearly more than 2, because my basement is still dark AF

A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.



The hostess leave...

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A woman is having sex with a rather large man in the back of a car, when suddenly the man has a heart attack.

The woman tried to get the man off of her, but he's too heavy. Luckily, the woman is able to call 911 with her cell phone.

When the emergency services come, they find that they can only get the man out of thee car by sawing off the roof. After the fire department removes the roof from the car...

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Superman is flying over Metropolis

And is feeling horny af. Suddenly, he sees Wonder Woman stark naked sunbathing on the roof of the Justice League HQ.

He thinks to himself "I'm Superman, right? Faster than a speeding bullet. I can fly down there and have my way with Wonder Woman and be away before she even realises..."
<...

an african politician visits an american politician.

Af: That's a big house you've got there, how did you afford it?

Am: See that bridge over there? I kept 10% of the money that went into building it, same goes for most of the roads and bridges that were rebuilt here.

Ten years later, the American goes to visit his old friend.

Am:...

How south is South Africa?

South AF

Some People Believe...

Some people believe that the best pizza is from New York. Some believe that pizza from Chicago is best. Others believe that the best pizza is from Italy. However, according to the most recent findings, the *best* pizza may have been lost to the ages. New archeological findings suggest that the golde...

Girl you are the one...

on the pH scale cuz you are toxic af.

When you were the fastest sperm

but now you're slow af.

I wish I could be ugly for one day

Because being it everyday is sad af

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Which instrument players are the sexiest?

Violinists. No matter what, their G strings are always sharp af.

A married couple is driving...

down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him. "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but I want a divorce." The husband says nothing, but slowly turns up to speed to 60 mph.

"I don't want you to talk me out of it, because I've been hav...

going on social media these days is like going to church

after 5mins, I feel guilty af

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A taxi driver goes home after a very long shift.

On his way home he sees a very drunk man that can’t even stay on his feet. “Can’t let that poor guy go home alona like this” he puts him in the passenger sit, asks him where he lives and starts driving to his house while the drunk guy sleeps. On their way there the taxi driver sees a women who’s hot...

MY FAVORITE FILM IS THE HUNCHBACK OF NOTRE DAME.

I love a protagonist with a twisted back story.

Also I've heard that Notre Dame is lit af...

You know how they say that the human body is 60% water...

I’m not fat... I’m just hydrated AF

Two guys walk into a bar

The third one ducks

I'm basic af

Two Leprechauns Knock on the Convent Door (long)

The Mother Superior opens the door and the first leprechaun doffs his hat then stammers and stutters, "T-t-t-top o' the mornin' to ye, sister!"

She replies, "Top o' the mornin' to you, Seamus. What can I do for you this morning?"

"W-w-w-w-well, sister, I-I-I-I'd b-be after a-a-a-a-ski...

Did you hear about the insomniac social justice activist?

He was woke af

There's this old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.

One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, "if I hear one more person confess to adultery, I'll quit!" Well, everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had "fallen".
This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest ...

I accidentally swallowed a light bulb.

I guess you could say I'm lit af

I like my jokes like I like my nachos...

Cheesy AF

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Doctor to me - we're going to have to amputate your foot

Me (high AF in morphine) - ok. Cool.

Doctor to nurse - mark him to so he has nine inches below his knee.

Me - You said you were going to amputate my foot.

Doctor (sounding annoyed) -we're about to amputate your foot and you're making dick jokes?

Me - will crying bring it...

Did you hear about the party at the English department?

It was Lit af

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NSFW (language) A blonde woman walks into an elevator...

There is a man already inside so she tries to start a convo with him.

She says to him “TGIF” .

And he responds nonchalantly “SHIT”.

The woman is confused by this and decides to try again by stating “TGIF”.

But the mans response is the same: “SHIT”.

Now she’s getti...

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