One day, Canada will become a superpower and take over the whole world

Then you'll all be sorry

I have the superpower of stopping a speeding bullet!

But just once.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.



The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.



He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small, it'd be almost non-exis...

Professor X: What’s your superpower?

Me: Foresight

Professor X: You know that redditors were expecting a hindsight joke repost?

Me: Yes I knew that.

What do you call a group of drug dealers with superpowers?

The Powder Rangers.

When a surveyor on the street asked me what superpower I'd like to have...

...apparently, the last answer they were expecting was 'China'.

As an American looking at the situation in Afghanistan

It's good to see that, even decades later, the freedom fighters we trained can still drive out a superpower.

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student "Who is your father?

The student replies "The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father."

Kim Jong beams. "Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?"

The student doesn't hesitate. "The Land of...

Being Vegan gives you a superpower

The power to annoy all of your friends.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There is a school for kids with superpowers, but the new kid is different from everybody else

A kid asked him

"What's your power?"

The new kid responds

"I can predict the past."

"That's memory you fucking dumbass."

The Russian president is on a visit to the USA.

So he is taken on a tour of various tech companies to show him their superiority.

"This," says Bob, "is the smartest computer in the world. Ask it any question, and it will answer you correctly."

The Russian president is intrigued. So he decides to trick the computer and asks: "Who wil...

What is Green Arrow's superpower?

He can turn left whenever he wants.

My friend asked me "If you could have any superpower in the world, what would it be?"

I said, "Cold War Russia"

What would be the most useless superpower?

How about the ability to go invisible, but it only works while you're playing a trumpet.

The only superpower Asian kids have is super vision.

Commonly known as "being under constant adult supervision"

A man and his son were talking.

'Dad, what's your favourite superpower?' - Son

'Hindsight' - Man

'But dad, that's not even a power' - Son

'Yes, I see that now' - Man

Overheard this in a restaurant today and it cracked me up.

If your superpower is to shapeshift, do not transform into an Indian garment

Or you'll be Sari

I have a superpower

I can use the heat generated from cellular respiration to make the muscles in my arms contract
Not to flex or anything...

I just discovered another one of my superpowers:

I can put a song in someone's head during casual conversation, because that's the way, uh huh uh huh I like it, uh huh uh huh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call transsexuals with mutant superpowers?

Ex-Men.

If I could have a superpower, it would be x-ray vision.

If I have one fault, it's never seeing things through.

so I just found out my superpower is being invisible

to any woman.

"With my sonic superpowers I shall call myself....

...TINNITUS!"

"Tinnitus?"

"Yeah! Doesn't it have a nice ring to it?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a team of superpowered coyotes, raccoons, and vultures?

The Scavengers.

Courtesy of The Legendary Ken M; The ideal superpower is invisibility...

Because it allows you to keep an unseen lookout for perverts in the women's locker room.

If you had to choose one superpower to have forever

please legalize weed if it's Russia. Thanks in advance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Netflix's new show is Marvel's Luke Cage, whose "Superpower is unbreakable skin.

Bullet proof skin on a black man isn't a super power its straight up evolution!

-Danish Anwar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had any superpower in the world...

Nobody better say shit about the ghost in the girls locker room!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

My superpower is being able to talk to dead people...

they can't talk back, though.

Boy says goodbye instead of goodnight

So a boy and his family are praying, and after they finished praying, it’s their tradition to say goodnight, and go to sleep.

So the boy says, goodnight mama, goodnight papa, goodnight grandpa, goodbye grandma.

At the time, they didn’t really think much of it, and the boy didn’t even ...

Superpowers....

Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”
-
“No”, she replies sleepily.
-
“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me havin...

future*

I recently discovered I have a mediocre superpower, and I didn't know where else to share it. I can see into the futuer, but only to correct my own typos.

What is the most useless superpower?

America.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two men are sitting in a rooftop bar, 20 stories high...

And one turns to the other, asking “what’s that you’re drinking?”

The other man, a regular customer, catches the bartender’s eye as he replies “this is no ordinary drink. This drink gives me superpowers.”

The first man smirks and says “prove it.”

So the second man takes a swig, ...

X-men interview

Professor X: what's your superpower?

Me: I always get ignored

Gary: I can beat anyone by snapping my fingers

If I could be any super hero, I think I'd be Aluminium Man...

My superpower would be foiling crime...

Trump's first day at the Oval Office after being elected President

First briefing by the CIA, Pentagon, FBI:

Trump: We must destroy ISIS immediately. No delays.

CIA: We cannot do that, sir. We created them along with Turkey, Saudi, Qatar and others.

Trump: The Democrats created them.

CIA: We created ISIS, sir. You need them or else you w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

About an inch

The UN is in session and the three major superpowers, the US, Russia, and China are trying to out do each other's achievements.

The US says "we have a missile that could reach any point on Earth with amazing precision and destroy it."

Everyone else starts chattering in disbelief and t...

A good Russian joke about Russians :)

It goes smth like this (I may have modified some parts slightly so that it would sound better in English).

For their new research, several sociologists have designed a device that registers every expletive used in the immediate vicinity to determine how often swearing words are used by differ...

A man went to the wishing well.

He wished for a superpower, any superpower at all.

The next day, he accidentally rammed into the wall, biting on the paint. He then dissolved into a sentient puddle, able to cover the places he moved around in paint.

"Whoa!" he said, changing out of that form. He rushed over to bite a...

Donald Trump should be cast in an X-Men movie

Seems his secret superpower is making vast amount of wealth disappear

Applying for jobs like...

**ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:**

Hiring recent college grads

**REQUIREMENTS:**

5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.

There was a movie about a Mexican girl that was bitten by a radioactive salmon..

and of course she gained superpowers and became Salmon Ella.



The movie did great in Mexico, but unfortunately just made American audiences sick.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Superman was flying around metropolis one day...(NSFW)

...Minding his own business when all of a sudden he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on a roof. Wonder Woman appeared to be pretty amarous, as she was squirming around, moaning, and rubbing herself.

Superman:"Man, that's pretty damn hot. I know what I'll do. I'll fly down and use my supe...

Enrique Peña Nieto, Malala Yousafzai, and Donald Trump are walking along a beach

It's a bit of an oldie, and I think the last time I heard it, it came off as pretty racist. But I think the current political climate allows me to rehash it better.

Enrique Peña Nieto, who is the Mexican President, is walking along the beach one day with the US President, Donald Trump, and p...

I've nicknamed my grandad Spiderman.

He doesn't have any superpowers, he just can't climb out of the bath.

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