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New England Jokes

The last time a group of New Englanders destroyed Atlanta this badly

Sherman marched to the sea

A little joke from my family's dinner table.

My family was talking a few weeks ago, and somehow I brought up the fact that every state in New England has a town or city in it called "Warren". I said that there's a Warren, Vermont, a Warren, Maine, a Warren, Rhode Island.

And my brother chimed in "There's also a Warren Ukraine!"

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New England Patriots gates....

When they filmed the other teams practicing it was called "Spygate"

When Brady used deflated balls it was called "Deflategate"

Now that Bob Kraft is in trouble for visiting a full service massage parlor, would that be called, "Tailgate"?

What are the four seasons called in New England?

Almost winter, Winter, Still winter, and 3 months of bad sledding.

Where do New England gamers spend most of their playtime?

The Maine menu.

A Southern man goes into a New England bar.

He orders a beer and, making small talk, asks the bartender, "Did y'all go to Hahvurd?"

The bartender replies, "Yale."

"Okay," says the Southern man. "DID Y'ALL GO TO HAHVURD?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between the New England Patriots, Donald Trump, and a prostitute?

Someone likes the prostitute!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was the 1700’s in the New England colonies...

The Native American big chief was very ill, and their medicine would absolutely not aid the Big Chief.

So a group of Native Americans set out to ask the Englishmen for some medicine. They explained, “Big Chief sick, Big Chief no shit”. The Englishman gave them a light medicine and sent them ...

That billionaire from New England is innocent.

He thought he was buying a hookah.

Pittsburgh, New England and Oakland have the same blood type

AB Negative.

New England Patriots to bring OJ Simpson on staff...

In an interview, Simpson stated he got the job after responding to a Craigslist ad. He added, "They were looking for a defensive coordinator, and I just though to myself... nobody has more success at building a strong defense than I do."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Women who live in New England can never trust a weatherman...

If they say their dick size is 6 - 8 inches, that means it’s more like 1 - 3

New England trees have sprouted legs and are running amok. Officials say:

Birches be runnin wild

Elementary school students are learning about the 13 colonies

Teacher: Massachusetts is in New England

Student: what’s new England?

England: *walks in* nothin much what’s new with you

New England Patriots’ Robert Craft is charged with soliciting prostitution.

He just wanted to show the masseuse where he wears his 6th super bowl ring.

The weather in New England meant they had to delay the victory parade for the Patriots.

They must feel really deflated.

What is a "yankee?"

To those from elsewhere, a Yankee is an American.

To Americans, a Yankee is a Northerner.

To northerners, a Yankee is an Easterner.

To easterners, a Yankee is an New Englander.

To New Englanders, a Yankee is a Vermonter.

And in Vermont, a Yankee is somebody who eat...

Why I am the way I am

My children asked me once why I am the way I am. So I told them.

One day, shortly after my first child was born, I came across an old lamp in a bundle of baby clothes. I wiped the lamp off, and a genie appeared and offered me three wishes. "But," the genie added, "your wishes will come with a...

Did you know that a very good memory is often a sign of an excellent lover?

I read that on February 11, 2017 in the New England Journal of Behavioral studies issue 2016-Q3.

Driving in England

“In England they drive on the left side of the road, in New England we drive on what’s left of the road.”

What is the official snack food of the Boston Red Sox and New England Patriots?

Cheat-o's

It's spring in New England, so I bought a high quality bug zapper to help deal with all those pests, and I woke up to protests outside my house.

# Blackfliesmatter

How are meteorologists like guys on Tinder?

They promise you 12+ in, but you only get 4.

Inspired by today's "storm" in New England. Stay safe out there!

Poor children in African nations are really excited...

They're finally getting New England Patriot super bowl championship shirts!

What do you call a Massachusite who cuts down trees?

_In a New England accent..._

A Boston lager.

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I made this up yesterday in the car.

My girlfriend fell off a fishing boat just off the coast of Maine and was devoured by a giant shellfish.

You might say a New England clam chowed her.

A liar, a murderer, and a cheater walk into a bar.

The New England Patriots must be in town.

The Difference Between Republicans and Democrats

A young man, down on his luck, was hitch-hiking through New England. A well-dressed man driving a Lincoln pulled up, lowered the passenger side window, and asked, “Do you vote Republican or Democrat?”

“Democrat,” said the hitch-hiker. And the Lincoln sped off in a cloud of dust.

The ne...

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I'm directing a film...

... And starring in it, as a shaggy groundskeeper from Northern New England who leads midnight raids on the estate's garden.

I'm the main character, mane caretaker, Maine carrot-taker.

David's life was at a low point.

Seeing no way out, he walked out on a bridge, intending to end it all by leaping off. A woman, driving by in her car, sees David hesitating unsteadily on the wrong side of the railing and realizes what's going on. She stops her car and dashes over, hoping to talk him out of suicide.

"Wait!" s...

A man dies and goes to heaven

When he meets God, he asks, "God, is it true you love everyone?"

"Yes, my son."

"And so you can see the good in everyone?"

"Of course, my son."

And so the man begins asking questions about the most evil people he can think up: war criminals, mad scientists, corrupt politi...

There once was a man

There once was a man - an old man - weathered and weary from spending the past 60 years of his life as a man of the sea.

He had survived it all: war, weather, business. He had seen just about every major body of water known to man. The seven seas, the fours oceans, the great lakes and nearly ...

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