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Florida Jokes

Be wary of a Florida senior with a gun.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. Th...

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach in Fort Myers, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
...

Too soon for COVID jokes?

COVID is like fashion…

We started hearing about it in Italy…

Became popular in LA and NYC…

Florida ignored it…

And it was all made in China in the end.

What’s considered trashy if you’re poor but class if you’re rich?

Florida

I like Florida.

Everything is in the 80s: The people, the temperature, and the average IQ.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida

He goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota ."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and figured he'd give him a ...

What’s the difference between Florida and the Lost City of Atlantis?

A few hours.

Another Jewish mother...

A Jewish guy calls his mother in Florida.

"Hi, Mom. How have you been?"

"Not so good. I've been feeling weak."

"Weak? Why are you feeling weak?"

"I haven't eaten for 28 days!"

"Twenty-eight days?! Why? What's wrong?"

"I didn't want my mouth to be full of foo...

Why does Florida have so many Conservatives and California have so many earthquakes?

California had first choice!

**just a joke, I respect your right to your opinion and free expression **

Two blondes are walking and one asks, “ which is closer, the moon or Florida?” And the other responds, “duh...

... can you see Florida?”

What's the difference between the lost city of Atlantis and Florida?

About 3 days

In all honesty though, my thoughts and good wishes go out to the people of Florida,

Florida is the sunshine state

But clearly not the brightest state

A school library in Florida burned to the ground yesterday.

They lost both books.

(This is a retelling of a joke from Alf (substitute Melmac for Florida) but I assume it's much older than that!)

Obesity is such a problem in Florida...

They had to add a SIT your ground law

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A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million do...

President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump...

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A Florida man dies and goes to a waiting area for his final destination.

As he awaits, he spots his best friend within the crowd and cannot believe it. He approaches his buddy and starts a conversation

“Cooch, is that you buddy? Holy shit! It is you! What are you doing here?”

“Hey Willie” says the man with barely any expression on his face.

“What ar...

What's it called when someone messes with unpurchased product in central Florida?

Tamper Bay

A hillbilly is in Florida and has a sea turtle hanging up on a fishing pole.

The game warden approaches on his boat and asked, "Are you gonna release that?"
The hillbilly then replies,"No, they taste good."
"Oh really, how do they taste?"
"Somewhere between bald eagle and manatee."

Florida governor Ron DeSantis is apparently reviewing the future of Formula One in Miami

The Drag Reduction System is not what he thought it was.

Florida Man calls 911

Operator: "911, what's your emergency?"

Florida Man: "Hello ma'am, me and my buddy Jackson were out duck hunting, when a big gator came out of the water and attacked us. It bit up my leg real good, then it dragged Jackson under the water, but I scared it off with my shotgun."

O: "Okay,...

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i went on a plane to florida today

someone just started masturbating mid flight and faced no consequences!

how is this not illegal?

i thought the patriot act was made to prevent high jacking

The Florida man accused of stealing a truck full of $75,000 with of Campbell's soup is finally going to trial...

I, for one, hope they lock him up for M'm! M'm! Good!!!

Did you hear about the blackout in Florida?

People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hrs

Boxes of previously uncounted ballots have been found in Florida

Associated Press is now declaring the State of Florida for Al Gore

Following the advice of his doctor, Mr. Johnson moved to Florida.

When he arrived in his new Florida home, Mr. Johnson met his next door neighbour. His new neighbor was a man around his age, but he had a full head of hair and appeared to be very strong.

"Hello," Mr. Johnson said to his new neighbour. "Is Florida as healthy as my doctor says it is?"

"...

A couple of counterfeiters made a mistake one time and ended up with a batch of $15 bills

One of them says "We gotta get rid of these things. We'll go to Florida. I know a little town there. They're so dumb they won't know a thing."

So off they go. Soon they arrive at a gas station and buy some gas. The guy at the counter looks a little simpleminded.

"Hey can you break a 1...

What does Florida Man say to a tourist when he tells a joke and it stinks?

You don’t get sargassum.

In 1959, the Florida panhandle was hit with a devastating hurricane...

In 1959, the Florida panhandle was hit with a devastating hurricane. Many of the buildings and homes in Destin were damaged. The "Gulfarium", which had opened a few years earlier, was largely undamaged. Their diesel generators were meant for the numerous fish and marine mammals, but could easily han...

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[Long] An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.

His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. He was unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, so he did the best he could to type it in from memory. Unfortun...

A guy from Florida was suing American Airlines because an expensive piece of luggage wasn't at baggage claim when he landed in New York

He lost his case

What's Irish, sits outside and rarely survives a Florida hurricane

Paddy O' Furniture

The governor of Florida had enough

The governor of Florida had enough of the Florida jokes. It was affecting their tourism and he was always made fun of at the annual governor softball tournament. He sat in his office all day and thought of ways how to change this.

One day, the governor of Alabama called. It was a social call...

When I moved to Florida, I couldn't fit in

Finishing 3rd Grade really affected my social life there.

The couple that went to Florida.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis a...

A man from Florida is on vacation in France and looking for a souvenir

He decides to buy a shirt that he can show off when he golfs with his buddies back home, so he finds a golf store.

To his surprise, he finds a golf shirt with a picture of a gator on it! There's gator merchandise from France?? What a perfect shirt!

He checks the tag and it's 100 €! Inc...

At this mornings press conference, Ron Desantis announced that the state of Florida will be outlawing the consumption and distribution of coffee.

He went on to condemn the beverage as a tool of the WOKE agenda.

Came up with this while driving from Texas to Florida

**How long does it take to drive from Louisiana to Alabama?**

About one Mississippi.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Florida: I’m the most fucked up state.

Alabama: Hold my sister

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.

“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a...

Why are there so many rednecks in Florida?

Because sunscreen instructions include: “apply liberally”

Florida Woman Stops 12' Alligator with a .22 cal Beretta Pistol

\[Long\] This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While walking along the edge of a pon...

Two Fleas meet on a beach in florida

Two fleas are laying on a beach in florida

The first flea who is sunning himself looks to the 2nd and asks

Flea 1- "why are you shivering so bad ?"

Flea 2- "I hitched a ride down here on the mustache of a man who rode a motorcycle and it almost froze me to death"

Flea...

Did you know that University of Florida was not the first school to invent a hydrating sports drink with Gatorade?

Turns out Florida State couldn't make the marketing work for Seminole Fluid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The feeling of amusement you get reading about "Florida Man"

schadenflorida

What does the Florida State football team and a Florida State cheerleader have in common?

They both suck for four quarters.

Fall is the most beautiful time in Florida, really...

All the license plates start changing colors.

Three men one from Florida, one from Texas, and one from New York all die and go to hell

When they get there they see a big red phone and they asked Satan what it's for, he says it's for calling earth but it's super expensive. The man from Texas says "Great I would love to call my hometown in Dallas" he talks for 2 hours and Satan charges him 2 million dollars. The man from Florida says...

Florida voting recount has finally been completed.

Turns out the winner was actually Al Gore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Florida men are hunting wild boar in the woods...

They come across a boar with it's head stuck in the knothole of a tree. The first Florida man says, "Hey y'all, watch this" and walks over the boar, unzips his pants, and fucks the boar in the ass. When he's done he says "Okay, it's your turn, buddy."

The second Florida man says, "Okay, b...

An elderly man in Florida had owned a farm for many, many years

. It had a large pond in the back
that was perfect for swimming, so he fixed it up
with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
orange and lime trees. One afternoon the old
farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over since he hadn't been there for a while and
grabbed a ...

Two old ladies sitting in a doctor's office in Florida...

The one says to the other, "I can't see, I can't hear anything and I can barely walk. Thank God I can still drive."

While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.

He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted:

“Are there any gators around here?!”

“No,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

Feeling safe,...

Hooters

Two men grow up together as friends. After college, one moves to Ohio, and the other moves to Colorado. They agree to meet every 10 years in Florida to play some golf and catch up with each other.


At age 35 they meet, finish their round of golf, and head for lunch.


One asks, "...

A man in Florida has been caught on CCTV stealing police car tyres.

Police are reported to be working tirelessly to catch the thief.

2 Florida men get into a fight

I have no idea what happened, but I'm sure it'll end up on the news.

I was bitten by a Great White at a Florida beach.

I mean, he used the phrase "Aryan Superior," but either way that was one coked-out skinhead.

The state of Florida is a navigational anomaly...

The further north you go the more southern it gets.

What do you call a Mormon from Florida?

A Fort Lauderdale saint.

I always get a little sad during hurricane season in south Florida...

...you could say I have tropical depression.

Two guys from Florida die and wake up in hell

I mean, where else would they go?

Why do a lot of old people move to Florida?

Because they hate liberal snowflakes.

Heard on the FAA radio frequency after Trump is dropped off in Florida:

“Air Force one just took a number two, over”

What color is the sky in Florida right now?

Dorian gray

Florida Retirement Community...

A little old lady was sitting on a park bench in The Villages, a Florida Adult community.

A man walks over and sits down on the other end of the bench.

After a few moments, the woman asks, "Are you a stranger here?"

He replies, "I lived here years ago."

"So, where were yo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Republican and Democratic congressman spot each other at Disney World with their respective families.

The Republican turns red from embarrassment.

“Look man, don’t tell any of my colleagues I was down here supporting *Disney.* They’ll eat me alive for supporting this woke company!”

The Democrat replies:

“Shit, you think I want anyone to know I was down here in Florida?”

Why did the Florida fisherman fly to Alaska?

Oh, for the halibut.

One blonde says to another blonde, which is further away Florida or the moon?

The other blonde replies, well dah. Can you see Florida from here.

Which is closer?

Two blondes in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking.

One blonde says to the other, “Which do you think is farther away Florida or the moon?”

The other blonde turns and says, “Hellooooooo, can you see Florida?”

I went to this restaurant on the beach in Florida and ordered something called the Pelican Burger.

It was good, but the bill was enormous.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the birds start flying upside down in Florida?

Because there was nothing worth shitting on.

What happens when Trump gets “jinx” called on him by the Vice President while campaigning in Florida?

He has to buy Mike Pensacola.

A retired Florida man was jailed for refusing to nap...

...he was resisting a rest.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In elderly man and his wife are on their way to Florida for vacation.

He pulls into a gas station to refuel. As he's refueling, a guy at the next pump next pump says "I see you're from Ohio".

The man replies "Yes I am"

His wife (a little hard of hearing) yells out of the window "What'd he say"?

The husband say's "He noticed that we are from Ohio"....

A penguin’s car breaks down in a Florida town [NSFW]

He manages to push it to a nearby mechanic. The mechanic says it’ll take a few hours to repair, so the penguin, exasperated, goes to look around the town.

He goes into a clothing store and buys a nice shirt, and goes to a book store and buys some nice books. However, the penguin, being in Flo...

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida. They settle in a small little house. The neighbors are a little skeptical, being their race and all, so they keep an eye out on their plot for a few days. To his suprise, he sees that the family is one of th...

It was 90° in Florida yesterday....

Women's skirts were so short you could see their cobwebs.

One day, not too far off, Florida will be an entirely Blue state.

With the sea level rising, it'll be underwater.

The pink, plastic birds that are popular lawn ornaments in Florida.....

are they called, "Placebo Flamingos"?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Letter from Florida

Dearest Billy Joe,

I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Your daddy read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 10 miles from your home, so we moved. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family ...

How many Florida men do you need before you can make change for a dollar?

You can't. Nobody in Florida has any cents.

I hung up the tracking map of the storm targeting Florida.

It is a Portrait of Dorian's Way.

I was driving down to Florida and got pulled over for speeding halfway through Georgia.

The cop told me and my buddy that nobody goes that fast through his county. My friend leaned over and said, "Sherman did."

(Credit to u/hisownspace for the joke)

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership...

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. But looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Trooper behind him; blue and red lights flashing and sire...

A Florida couple, Marge and Doug, moved to Texas.

A Florida couple, Marge and Doug, moved to Texas.


Doug always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.


Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" ...

Every Day in Florida

Two elderly ladies, Phyllis and Marge, were driving to a church gathering. Phyllis was behind the wheel while Marge rode shotgun, knitting. Out of the corner of her eye, Marge thought she saw a stop sign flash by and asked herself if perhaps Phyllis had blown past it, so she paid attention as they a...

My friend asked, “Aren’t you concerned Florida will be submerged from climate change?”

I replied, I thought that’s what we were all trying to do, then we’ll stop.

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