Be wary of a Florida senior with a gun.

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, “I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!”. Th...

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Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to California. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why Hooters?"
"They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the
gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again "W...

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A widowed Jewish lady was sunbathing on a beach in Fort Myers, Florida.

She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand next to hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you today?"

"Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book.
...

Everything in Florida is in the 80s

The Temperature, the Humidity, the Average Age, and the IQ.

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A young guy from West Virginia moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?" The kid says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in West Virginia ." Well, the boss was unsure, but he liked the kid and
figured he'd give him a shot, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you d...

The couple that went to Florida.

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis a...

Three men one from Florida, one from Texas, and one from New York all die and go to hell

When they get there they see a big red phone and they asked Satan what it's for, he says it's for calling earth but it's super expensive. The man from Texas says "Great I would love to call my hometown in Dallas" he talks for 2 hours and Satan charges him 2 million dollars. The man from Florida says...

Boxes of previously uncounted ballots have been found in Florida

Associated Press is now declaring the State of Florida for Al Gore

While fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat.

He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft.

Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted:

“Are there any gators around here?!”

“No,” the man hollered back, “they ain’t been around for years!”

Feeling safe,...

It's a good thing Gatorade was developed at the University of Florida as opposed to Florida State

Seminole Fluid doesn't sound quite as good.

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A Florida man dies and goes to a waiting area for his final destination.

As he awaits, he spots his best friend within the crowd and cannot believe it. He approaches his buddy and starts a conversation

“Cooch, is that you buddy? Holy shit! It is you! What are you doing here?”

“Hey Willie” says the man with barely any expression on his face.

“What ar...

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First-year students at the Florida School of Veterinarian Medicine were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving an animal's body." For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger into the butt of...

What happens when Trump gets “jinx” called on him by the Vice President while campaigning in Florida?

He has to buy Mike Pensacola.

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida. They settle in a small little house. The neighbors are a little skeptical, being their race and all, so they keep an eye out on their plot for a few days. To his suprise, he sees that the family is one of th...

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Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.

One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"


The silver-haired Marcie...

So a few days ago Donald Trump decided to go campaign in Florida.

He wanted to make sure he gets the Floridian vote. So he went to a home for senior citizens - what they call a home for assisted living.

As we walked in, he encountered what looked like a 95 year old woman and he looks at her and says, "Do you know who I am?"

And she says, "Son, I don...

A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership...

Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
'Amazing,' he thought as he flew down I-75, pushing the pedal even more. But looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a State Trooper behind him; blue and red lights flashing and sire...

Florida Woman Stops 12' Alligator with a .22 cal Beretta Pistol

\[Long\] This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While walking along the edge of a pon...

I was fishing on vacation in Florida, when I ran out of bait. I saw a small snake nearby trying to swallow a frog and knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket...

Now, the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit.

I grabbed my bottle of Jack Daniels and poured a little whiskey in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp.

I released him into the lake without incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A litt...

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In elderly man and his wife are on their way to Florida for vacation.

He pulls into a gas station to refuel. As he's refueling, a guy at the next pump next pump says "I see you're from Ohio".

The man replies "Yes I am"

His wife (a little hard of hearing) yells out of the window "What'd he say"?

The husband say's "He noticed that we are from Ohio"....

Two blonds are sitting on a park bench at night looking at the moon...

One leans to the other and says "Which do you think is closer: Florida or the moon?"

The other blond says "Obviously the moon. You can't see Florida."

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What a beach!

A flea is lying on the beach, getting some sun and relaxation when he sees another flea approaching. This second flea is ragged, worn out looking and seems very exhausted.
The first flea, curious, asks the second flea what his problems were?
The second flea replies “I’ve hopped from th...

I’m absolutely disgusted with the state my life is in right now

Florida. I live in Florida.

I always get a little sad during hurricane season in south Florida...

...you could say I have tropical depression.

Did you hear about the blackout in Florida?

People were stuck on the escalators for 4 hrs

A garbage man was doing the rounds one morning in Oklahoma

He came to a house where there was no bin out front, but there was a guy sitting on the porch.

The garbage man called out. ‘Hey! Where’s ’ya bin?’

The guy replies ‘I’ve been in Florida’.

The garbage man says ‘No. No. Where’s ‘ya wheely bin?’

The guys says ‘I’ve really bee...

Two women in Florida were arrested this week after posing as old ladies in order to get a Covid vaccine

Two kids in a trench coat got away with with the same idea, but only one got vaccinated.

A man in Florida has been caught on CCTV stealing police car tyres.

Police are reported to be working tirelessly to catch the thief.

Florida man fires gun at a retail store.

It was target.

It is in the news today that Florida is having its first remote trial via zoom

It’s looking like things will be settled out of court

a mexican was kidnapped and taken to one of the florida keys as prisoner, one day he found a phone and was able to contact the authorities, when asked where he was, he said:

Akey

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Being accepted into the Baptist church requires a tough test.

The minister meets with three married couples who want to join the Baptist Church. The first couple are retirees from Florida, the second couple are in their early 40s, and the last couple are newlyweds, having been married only 3 weeks. "We have developed a small test for those who want to join, I'...

How many Florida men do you need before you can make change for a dollar?

You can't. Nobody in Florida has any cents.

What do Tom Brady and Robert Kraft still have in common?

They go to Florida for happy endings

Billy Bob parked his rig in Florida for a few days before driving back home. He was about to dive into the surf but figured he'd better check out the alligator situation with the townsfolk. "Nope, no gators here," a local as- sured him.

Billv Bob had swum out 50 led before his
brain kicked in again. "Hey. how come there
ain't no gators in here?" he yelled back to the
guy onshore.
"Because they're afraid of the sharks," came
the reply.

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A filthy rich Florida man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.

He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 10 foot man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million do...

What's the difference between Donald Trump and a Jet Engine?

The jet engine stops whining when it gets to Florida.

According to latest news the current Governor of Florida used to own and run his own alligator farm. So not only does he have experience with horrible scaly reptiles

he's also worked with alligators too.

I was bitten by a Great White while vacationing in Florida.

I think he used the term "Superior Aryan," but either way, that was one coked-out skinhead.

WNBA announces plan to play abbreviated 22-game season in Florida beginning in late July without fans in attendance.

Come on. Do I even have to type the punchline for this one?

I Summer in Maine and Winter in Florida...

...and sometimes I fall in bars.

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Do I Know You?

An older couple from Detroit are driving through Florida one afternoon when they are pulled over by a state police vehicle for speeding.

The patrolman approaches the car, and asks to see the man's license and registration. His wife, who is hard of hearing, yells out "WHAT DID HE SAY??!" The ...

I was driving down to Florida and got pulled over for speeding halfway through Georgia.

The cop told me and my buddy that nobody goes that fast through his county. My friend leaned over and said, "Sherman did."

(Credit to u/hisownspace for the joke)

Ohio man forgoes food for 46 day “Beer Diet”...

...Florida Man...it appears you have competition.

President Donald Trump and his motorcade are cruising along a country road to Florida after the government shutdown. Suddenly they hit a pig, killing it instantly.

Trump tells his chief of staff to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. About one hour later Trump sees him staggering back to the car with a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all ripped and torn.

"What happened to you?" asked Trump...

A young couple got tired of the cold weather and decided to take a trip down to Florida.

But because their work schedules didn't work together, it was decided that the husband would fly down first, with the wife following the next day. When the husband arrived in Florida, he decided to send an email to his wife, but unknowingly sent it to the wrong email. Meanwhile, in a different town,...

Two Fleas meet on a beach in florida

Two fleas are laying on a beach in florida

The first flea who is sunning himself looks to the 2nd and asks

Flea 1- "why are you shivering so bad ?"

Flea 2- "I hitched a ride down here on the mustache of a man who rode a motorcycle and it almost froze me to death"

Flea...

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The crocodile farm:

There was a group of tourists visiting a crocodile farm in the Florida Keys and they were standing on a floating structure in the middle of an enormous lake, surrounded by crocodiles.

Suddenly, the farm’s owner shouts, “The first person to jump into the lake and successfully swim to shore, wi...

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Florida: I’m the most fucked up state.

Alabama: Hold my sister

Two guys from Florida die and wake up in hell

I mean, where else would they go?

Fall is the most beautiful time in Florida, really...

All the license plates start changing colors.

A penguin’s car breaks down in a Florida town [NSFW]

He manages to push it to a nearby mechanic. The mechanic says it’ll take a few hours to repair, so the penguin, exasperated, goes to look around the town.

He goes into a clothing store and buys a nice shirt, and goes to a book store and buys some nice books. However, the penguin, being in Flo...

Grandma is eighty-eight years old and still drives her own car. She writes:

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a "Honk" if you love Jesus' bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the s...

One day, not too far off, Florida will be an entirely Blue state.

With the sea level rising, it'll be underwater.

What's the difference between the lost city of Atlantis and Florida?

About 3 days

In all honesty though, my thoughts and good wishes go out to the people of Florida,

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Why People Hate School Re-Unions

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

 They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey ...

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Two Florida men are hunting wild boar in the woods...

They come across a boar with it's head stuck in the knothole of a tree. The first Florida man says, "Hey y'all, watch this" and walks over the boar, unzips his pants, and fucks the boar in the ass. When he's done he says "Okay, it's your turn, buddy."

The second Florida man says, "Okay, b...

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Insurance

Three men are sitting on a bench in their fancy retirement community in Florida
Steve says: "I started with a men's clothing shop and built the business into the finest department store in town. One day there was a fire and it destroyed everything. Since I was too old to begin again, I took the i...

An elderly man in Florida had owned a farm for many, many years

. It had a large pond in the back
that was perfect for swimming, so he fixed it up
with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some
orange and lime trees. One afternoon the old
farmer decided to go down to the pond to look it
over since he hadn't been there for a while and
grabbed a ...

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Doug lived all of his life in the Florida Keys. On his deathbed, he realizes the end is imminent.

He calls his family to be near his side, along with his lawyer to record his last wishes.
"My son, Andy; you take the Ocean Reef houses. My daughter, Sybil, take the apartments between mile marker 100 and Tavernier. My son Jamie- I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Cen...

THE COUNT CONTINUES

They found over 20,000 votes behind a radiator in Florida.
Al Gore declared President

2020 was like...

an alternate universe where we were all living in Florida.

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Monkeys arrested

I just read about a zoo in Florida, where 3 monkies were arrested for lighting their feces on fire, and flinging them at zoo workers.

A few of the workers were sent to the hospital for turd degree burns.

A Florida couple, Marge and Doug, moved to Texas.

A Florida couple, Marge and Doug, moved to Texas.


Doug always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.


Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" ...

I went to Florida yesterday and a cop asked me if I have a criminal record.

I said no, Is that still required?

My family was on vacation in Florida when suddenly I heard someone scream that my mother in law fell into the alligator pool. Not thinking twice, I jumped in...

...to save the alligator.

A guy has 2 dying friends...

A guy has two close friends, Fin and Scott. Fin has a heart disease and Scott had a major stroke.both of them thought they were done for.

Jake, who is the guy in this story, receives the news that they have both sadly passed away, and either one left a section for him in their will.

F...

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[Long] An Illinois man left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.

His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail. He was unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, so he did the best he could to type it in from memory. Unfortun...

My friend asked, “Aren’t you concerned Florida will be submerged from climate change?”

I replied, I thought that’s what we were all trying to do, then we’ll stop.

What color is the sky in Florida right now?

Dorian gray

What do you call a Mormon from Florida?

A Fort Lauderdale saint.

2 Florida men get into a fight

I have no idea what happened, but I'm sure it'll end up on the news.

If you live in Florida, make sure to take a black and white photo of the hurricane this weekend.

I'm not exactly sure why, but I've heard a lot of buzz about a picture of Dorian, grey. People seem pretty wilde about it.

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Dear Midwest Diary...

Aug. 1

Moved to our new home in Chicago. It is so beautiful here.

The city is so picturesque. Can hardly wait to see it covered

with snow. I LOVE IT HERE!

Oct. 14

Chicago is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are

turning all different colo...

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NSFW - Long - A man takes a trip to a bar in Florida

While drinking, the Bartender tells the man that they have a local challenge, which no one has ever actually successfully completed. However, the prize is free liquor from that bar for the rest of the man's life. The man, never one to back down, decides to bite, and asks the Bartender about the chal...

Two guys are walking down the street in Florida and they see a sign outside a bar that says "10 cent Martinis" and they decide to go in. They don't believe it, but decide to order anyway. The bartender makes two large Belvedere martinis with blue cheese olives and says "That will be 20 cents."

The two guys can't believe it, but drink up and order again. While the bartender is making the drinks, they ask him "How can you afford to do this?" The bartender responds, "I always wanted to own a bar where people could drink cheaply and then I won the lottery." One of the patrons responded, "That...

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Do you have any to speak of?

So, there was once a man named Frank who lived in South Florida, and his life was virtually ideal. He had a beautiful wife and two kids, lived in a very nice home on the intracoastal waterway, and had a very successful yacht sales business. However, he had one problem that had plagued him his whole ...

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I am finally living my dream. I bought land in Kissimmee Florida and opened my own donkey farm!

If you are in the area, stop by and see me at the Kissimmee Ass Ranch!

I hung up the tracking map of the storm targeting Florida.

It is a Portrait of Dorian's Way.

Why do a lot of old people move to Florida?

Because they hate liberal snowflakes.

A blonde walks into a shoe store in Florida ...

And looks at the alligator shoes. “That much!! I’ll just go and get some myself!” she exclaims. “Good luck!” The clerk says.

Later that afternoon he sees the blonde down by the river pointing a gun at a huge alligator, so he stops to watch. She shoots the alligator and kills it, the struggle...

Every time someone is arrested for a crime in Florida, they have to write a long text file describing their motivations for the crime and how it was carried out, so the police can add it to their registry.

Which is why all the stuff that happens in Florida seems so weird without the con-text.

Florida voting recount has finally been completed.

Turns out the winner was actually Al Gore.

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Florida highway maintenance crew

working on a road. All of a sudden, a worker grabs a shovel and beats the hell out of a turtle alongside the road.

"What the hell did you do that for?" cried one worker.

"Than son-of-a-bitch has been following us all day!"

I love Florida everything is in the 80's

The temperature, the people, and the IQs.

Why did the Florida fisherman fly to Alaska?

Oh, for the halibut.

Why you only hear about the Florida man and not the Alabama man.

No one likes to write those news about family.

A Jewish father calls his son in New York and tells him...

“I hate to tell you, but your mother and I can't stand each other anymore and we are divorcing. That's it! I want to live out the rest of my years in peace. I am telling you now so you and your sister shouldn't go into shock later when I move out."

The father hangs up and David immediately c...

I heard that people who live in Florida are some of the most untrusting people in the country...

Maybe that's why they hide their keys in the ocean.

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Why did the birds start flying upside down in Florida?

Because there was nothing worth shitting on.

A New Yorker calls his mother who lives in Florida. She answers the phone with a very weak-sounding voice.

"Mom, you don't sound so good. What's wrong?"

Very feebly she answers, "I haven't eaten in quite some time."

"How long has it been, Mom?"

"My last meal was 26 days ago."

"26 Days!? How come?"

"I didn't want to be caught with food in my mouth when you called."

A retired Florida man was jailed for refusing to nap...

...he was resisting a rest.

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Sex Therapists

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for you?"
The man says, "Will you watch us make love?" The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is
so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he
ag...

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A farmer from the midwest was trying to sell his farm so he could retire in Florida.

The farm had been on the market for several months with no prospects until a man stopped and asked about the place.

The farmer explains that there were 1,000 acres half farmable and the other half beautiful timber with a trout stream and a small pond full of small mouth bass.

The man...

What do a snowstorm in Florida, a hula hoop with a nail in it, and the USS Adams have in common?

They're all navel destroyers.

Four guys are driving cross country together.

One each from Idaho, Iowa, Florida, and New York.

A bit down the road the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window.

The man from Iowa asks, "What are you doing?" The man from Idaho says, "We have so many of these in Idaho they're laying around ...

What's it called when someone messes with unpurchased product in central Florida?

Tamper Bay

I went to this restaurant on the beach in Florida and ordered something called the Pelican Burger.

It was good, but the bill was enormous.

How to retire when business is poor

Two elderly men met in a town in Florida, and began to talk to each other. It turned out both of them were from Oregon, and had owned small factories, and had now retired and moved to Florida.

"I had a factory that produced high-end furniture," said the first man. "Was successful for many yea...

The state of Florida is a navigational anomaly...

The further north you go the more southern it gets.

A man and his wife were driving their RV across Florida

... and were nearing a town spelled K- I -S- S- I -M -M -E -E. They noted the strange spelling and tried to figure how to pronounce it.-- KISS-a-me; kis-A-me; kis-a-ME.

They grew more perplexed as they drove into town. Since they were hungry, they pulled into somewhere to eat. At the counter,...

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