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Houston Jokes

What's Whitney Houston's favorite type of coordination?

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYEEEEEEEEE

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

“I’m always exhausted,” Joe told his shrink. “Every night I dream I’m driving a truck from Houston to Chicago, and every morning I wake up dead tired.”

The doctor said, “Beginning tonight when you’re dreaming, stop in Tulsa and I’ll drive the rest of the way to Chicago.” It worked perfectly.

A week later Joe’s friend Fred told him, “Every night I dream all night long that I’m being forced to sexually satisfy four beautiful starlets. It’s k...

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Now that Harvey Weinstein's career in Hollywood is over, he should move to Houston.

Houston is used to getting fucked by Harvey.

The first woman on the Moon contacted Houston.

"Houston, we have a problem."

*"What is it?"*

"Never mind."

*"What's the problem?"*

"It's nothing."

*"Please tell us."*

"I'm fine."

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination?

HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!

It’s my cake day humour me.

What three things did Whitney Houston want to do?

Dance with somebody

Feel the heat with somebody

Cocaine

A woman and her neighbor are on her roof in Houston waiting for rescue

While they're waiting, the neighbor notices a baseball cap floating through the flood waters. Suddenly, to her surprise, the baseball cap turns around and starts floating the other way. After going some ways, it turns around and floats back again. She observes this going on for some time, back an...

What's 7 inches long and hasn't been sucked in over 2 years?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe.

Marines

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settlin...

Roe vs Wade is in the news again.

Right now, it's the two main forms of Houston transportation

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TIL about the Houston 500 with pornstar Houston having sex with 500 men in one day

I'm still struggling with my Copenhagen 1 project

What's the difference between Whitney Houston and my car?

My car can hit 50

What happened to the old mexican when he moved from Houston to Santa Fe?

He became a New Mexican

On Sale Now - Houston Texans

Get em for only a quarter

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Strippers in Houston must be doing great.

Because they're making it rain.

We’re in Houston, so don’t call us...

Just Texas

I was so sad when I heard Whitney Houston overdosed on cocaine

AND DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEIIIIIIIIIIEED

Congratulations to Whitney Houston!

As of today she has been drug free for 8 years!

Whitney Houston is 3 Years sober!

Wow! Never thought it would happen

Red Moon

NASA is getting transmission from their moon mission astronauts.

“Houston, we have a problem. Russians just landed on the moon.”

“It’s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.”

“Houston, we have a problem. Russians started to paint moon red.”

“It’s OK, continue you...

One of the houston astros players almost got Coronavirus

He saw the signs coming before

Every bar in Houston right now..

..is a dive bar.

How does Whitney Houston List the Vowels?

A

E

O

U

And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

What do you call a guy who fails to make it onto the Houston baseball team?

Astro, not.

Houston, we have a problem

Whitney Houston Jokes

Whitney Houston to star in her new film. The Bodybag.


One more..,

If she wasn’t before, Whitney Houston is definitely 100% soul now.

What do the Houston Astros and Betty Crocker have in common?

A great selection of batters

According to Whitney Houston, what is the most important form of co-ordination?

HAND EYEEE-E-EYE

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It’s ironic Whitney Houston did all those Pepsi endorsements

Then over dosed on Coke

Who hits Houston harder?

Bobby Brown or Hurricane Harvey.

~Probably too soon.

Do you know why they buried George H. W. In Houston instead of his beloved Kennebunkport?

Because it’s way too cold for planting Bushes in Maine.. told to me by my mother

Some people stood in line for 3 hours tonight in Houston.

Once they finished paying for their groceries at Wal Mart, then they went to vote.

What do you call it when an Amazon driver swerves out of the way of a pedestrian in Houston?

Prime Texas steer

What's the difference between the trash can in the Houston Astros dugout and me?

That trash can is getting banged

My girlfriend and I overheard a Whitney Houston song.

She says “Man, Whitney had some pipes on her.”

I say “Pretty sure that’s how she died, right?”

A woman astronaut..

A woman astronaut calls her base:
-Houston we have a problem.
-What is it?
-Nothing...

Whats the good thing about living in Houston?

Property values are gonna be higher than Miami on Monday.

The Stolen Horse

A Desperado rides into town and downs a few drinks at the saloon. When he steps outside again, he finds his horse has been stolen. The Desperado swears, steps back into the bar, and fires a round into the piano. The room goes dead silent. “I’m gonna have one more beer,” the Desperado bellows to the ...

Did you hear about the debate between Houston and Florida?

It's Roe v. Wade

Why wouldn't you want to go to a bar in Houston?

All of their drinks are watered down.

A Valentines Poem

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Whitney Houston is dead
and iiiiiiieeeeiiiii will always love yoooouooooou

What was Whitney Houston's biggest hit?

Her last one

Only in Houston is it considered appropriate to ask a stranger

How many inches you got?

How are the Houston Rockets just like Metapod?

All they've got is Harden

Whitney Houston had quite the set of pipes on her.

In fact she died clutching onto one of them.

A reporter in Houston asked a woman how many churches were open during the flood

She said; "I don't know I eat at KFC"

A Frenchman was visiting Texas for the first time and was staying at a nice hotel in Houston...

In the bar he sat next to a cowboy and couldn't help but notice the size of the burger the man was eating. "Mon dieu - how big is your burger! And your beer!". "Yeah, " said the Texan. "Everything in Texas is big. Our houses, our trucks, our horses, our wives. Even our generosity!" With that he boug...

Whitney Houston May Not Have Had The Last Word!

But I know She Had The Last Line!!

What do Whitney Houston and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both spent a fortune making their noses more white.

Great joke I heard at a standup show in Houston this weekend. (Dark humor)

Give a man a fish, and he you will feed him for the day.

Give a man two prosthetic legs, and he'll shoot his girlfriend.

If only Whitney Houston could hit a baseball pitch as well as she could hit notes and pitch her voice.

She would have had the world’s best hAND EYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEIIIIIIIEEEEEIIIIIIIIIII coordination.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After the death of Bobbi Kristina Brown in similar circumstances to her mother Whitney Houston...

The family have released an online video to commemorate their lives.
"Two Girls, One Tub" was probably not the best idea for a title.

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