I'm thinking of visiting the Philippines

Anyone wanna tagalog?

Let's try a joke I learned in the Philippines

A Filipino woman and her husband, an American, wake up the morning after their wedding and decide to take a shower together. In the middle of their fun, the water cuts out (as sometimes happens in the Philippines). The wife cries out, "Ay! Walang tubig!" ("Oh no! No water!" in Tagalog).

The h...

What do you call a contortionist from the Philippines?

A Manila folder

Philippine Condoms

President Trump called President Duterte of the Philippines with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the American President cried. "My people's favorite form of birth control! This is a national disaster!"

"Donald, the Filipino people would be happy to do anything within ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An annual weaponry competition is being held.

There is one representative each from every country. Each representative wields the main weapon of sorts from their culture. A fly is released within the range if the representative and they must cut it. The nore precise or beautiful the cut, the more points.

The next competitor goes up, repr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Granny suprise

A prostitute in Philippines stands in line with 50 others during a police raid, checking their IDs

As suprise her grand mother shows up, asking what she is doing in that long line.

"There is a man on the end, giving oranges for free, to make juice", she lies ashamed.

"Well, in ...

The aliens sent down a robot to earth.

The aliens claimed that this robot can catch thieves very fast!

They united nations sent the robot to Canada and in just a few seconds, the robot caught all the thieves in Canada.

Amazed, the united nations sent the robot to America.

The it the robot a bit longer but after 15 mi...

What do you call a girl born in the capital of the Philippines about 20 years ago?

A Femanilalinneal.

Meanwhile in Philippines

Meanwhile in Philippines, a local barber in my area got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his costumer for years, I didn't know he was a barber.

I've heard the crime rate in the Philippines drops when Manny Pacquiao fights...

The crime rate also drops in Floyd Mayweather's home when Floyd Mayweather fights.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy goes to The Philippines for a two week vacation

While there he makes it a point to sleep with a different prostitute every night. A few days after he gets home he notices his dick beginning to turn black and blue and shrivel up, so he immediately goes to the doctor.
The doctor runs a few tests and says "I hate to tell you this, but I'm afraid...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some big shots get together for a gentleman's night during Easter holidays.

Three CEO's of some big companies get together to smoke cigars and drink expensive whiskey.

They gathered at a chalet and brought a waiter with them to serve the drinks.

"Finally some alone time" says the first CEO. Sent my wife to an all inclusive spa in Austin. It cost me $10k but it...

The president of the Philippines says 3 of 5 Americans are idiots

What a dumbass, there are way more than 5 Americans

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three explorers

Here's one I heard years ago and haven't seen on here (you folks that live on reddit might have seen it though).


Three explorers (an Englishman, a Japanese, and an American) were captured by cannibals deep in the jungles of the Philippines.


"You are all trespassing on our lan...

Marriage Question

So if a person from Holland and a person from the Philippines got married, would their babies be called Hollapiños?

A joke from my Filipino uncle...

It is common in the Philippines for families to live in one-bedroom homes.

One night a couple wanted to make love, and so they had their child look the window. As the couple made love, the child continued to look out the window without turning around.

When the couple was done, the fath...

My high school assignment

My high school assignment was to ask a veteran about World War II. Since my father had served in the Philippines during the war, I chose him. After a few basic questions, I very gingerly asked, “Did you ever kill anyone?”

Dad got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the coo...

Who has the most children

There was a contest held to determine which race can produce the most amount of children in their lifetime. The 3 finalists were India, China and The Philippines.

The judges called the first contestant to the stage. Mr. India proudly announced " I have a very big family! I have 100 kids!!!". ...

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