When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky.

They're always 20 years behind everything.

Mark Twain

Two Canadians in Kentucky

So these two Canadians are driving into Louisville, Kentucky and are arguing about how to pronounce the name of the city.

“Its pronounced Lou-is-vill…obviously” The oilman from Alberta says

“No, you see, it is French! It is pronounced Loo-ie-vee!” The guy from Quebec retorts.

Th...

How do you know that the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky?

Because if it were anywhere else, it would have been called the teethbrush.

There is no reverse cowgirl in Kentucky

You don't turn your back on family!

A Kentucky farmer visits his farmer cousin in Ireland. The Irish farmer lives alone and the Kentucky Farmer asks how he avoids loneliness. Irish farmer says "The Sheep." "I could never!" replies the Kentucky Farmer. "Sure you could." The Irish farmer retorts...

"...Just pretend it's a chicken."

I hear they make good jelly in Kentucky

KY jelly.

Bull auction.

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ........

The Lantern

Deep in the back woods of Letcher County, Kentucky a hillbilly's wife went into labor in the middle of the night and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
As there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, "Here..You hold this high so I can see wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Kentucky Derby is like sex..

...all this build up for two minutes of action.

How is a woman like Kentucky Fried Chicken?

When you are finished with the breast and the thigh, you have a greasy box to stick your bone in.

Hang Gliding Hillbilly

You don’t see too many people hang-gliding deep down in Kentucky, but Ol’ John Hickory decided to save up and get a hang glider. He took his new toy to the highest mountain and readied to take flight. After a taking a few deep breaths, John took off running and when he reached the edge he sailed off...

What do folks in Kentucky do when their car breaks down?

Build a house next to it.

Billy: "Your mare - what breed is it?" Jack: "No clue, but it beat the winner of this year's Kentucky Derby. " "Why wasn't it entered for the Triple Crown?" "Problem is, it gallops only at night. Snoozes in the daytime."

"Tsk tsk tsk... a nightmare."

What does a girl from Kentucky and a dog have in common?

They both lick their pa(w)!!

The stupid criminal hall of shame.

STUPID-CRIMINAL HALL OF SHAM:

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene a...

The Texan Rancher and the Kentucky Farmer

A Texas Rancher was driving his truck through Kentucky one day when he sees a farmer out tending his field. He pulls over on a whim to talk to the farmer.

"Greetings friend! This looks like a pretty nice farm. How much land do you have?"

The Farmer gestures, "Well you see that river...

Did you hear they banned round hay bales in Kentucky?

Cows couldn't get a square meal.

(h/t my grandma who tells this joke like it is her job)

Why are school lunches so much better in Kentucky?

Ours are thoroughbred.

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What do you call a 13 year old girl from Kentucky who can run faster than her six brothers?

A virgin.

The winner of the Kentucky Derby has been invited to the White House.

The stallion declined, stating: "If I wanted to look at a horse's ass, I would've come in second".

Two army boys, Leroy & Jasper....

Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privat...

[NSFW] What does China and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

Cleaning up the bloody mess by spraying it down the drain

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Kentucky Derby is like sex on the first date.

There's a lot of build-up to the event, hearts are racing, tensions are high, everyone is super excited, and when the time finally comes and it's time to get started, it's over in 122 seconds....

One day while he was at the track playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt, Mitch noticed a priest who stepped out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.Lo and behold, that horse - a very long shot - won the race.

Before the next race, as the horses began lining up, Mitch watched with interest the old priest step onto the track. Sure enough, as the 5th race horses came to the starting gate the priest made a blessing on the forehead of one of the horses.

Mitch made a beeline for a betting window and p...

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Two guys are watching the Kentucky Derby.

One of the guys, Jeff, is there, bragging about how he has a really fast dog that can almost beat the horses. He bets everyone there 300$ that their pets can’t beat his dog in a race. The other guy, Steve, is wearing a trench coat. Steve walks up to Jeff and takes him up on the bet.

After the...

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There once was a man from Kentucky...

There once was a man from Kentucky,

Given a nickname he thought unlucky.

He was dubbed 'Moscow Mitch',

also called 'Putin's Bitch',

because his politics were so ratfucky.

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There's a new restaurant opening called Kentucky Freud Chicken...

...It's motherfucking good.

Two travelers are driving past a, "Welcome to Lewisville, Kentucky!", sign and ...

They can't decide if it's pronounce LouiS-ville or Louey-ville. So they decide to settle it by asking at a burger place they pull up to.

"Hi we're from out of town and have a bet about how locals pronounce this place"?

The local says deliberately and slowly, "Burger... King".

I told my Kentucky raised girlfriend her family tree doesn't fork...

...it spoons.


She did not find it humorous

What is the similarity between tornadoes and divorces in Kentucky?

... either way, someone is losing a trailer.

How are people from Kentucky like flour?

They're inbred.

A Kentucky Fried Chicken lobbyist meets with the Pope.

He offers a donation of ten million dollars to the church if the Pope agrees to change the words in the Lord’s Prayer from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken”

The Pope apologizes and says he is not interested.

“100 million dollars”, says the KFC r...

If you marry a woman in Tennessee, but divorce her in Kentucky...

... is she still your sister?

What does Kentucky Fried Chicken and me trying to stretch out my last roll of cheap toilet paper have in common?

They're both finger licking good.

How do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky? Louie-ville or Louis-ville?

It's Frankfort.

Why don’t they need dress codes in Kentucky?

They already have the same genes.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

THE HILLBILLY VASECTOMY

After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed.

So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy...

During the protests outside the White House, part of the new fence gets torn down.

Being as the repair is a government job, the secret service is tasked with getting three bids.

They post the job, and receive three responses. One is from a contractor in Kentucky. The second is from Texas, and the third is from Iowa .

The three contractors meet with the secret service...

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What does a Kentucky girl scream while she is having sex?

Get off me Pa, you is crushing my cigarettes!

Kentucky Three-Kick.

A man is out pheasant hunting and finds a trespasser hunting on his land. The trespasser has just shot a pheasant. After some heated discussion, the landowner says, "I'll tell you what. Let's play Kentucky Three-Kick. If you win, you keep the bird". The trespasser asks. "What is Kentucky Three-Kick...

got arrested for smuggling books into kentucky

got off on a technicality, no one there could *prove* they were books

The sign in the bathroom at Kentucky Fried Chicken said...

..."Employees must lick fingers before returning to work."

Are you guys watching the Kentucky Derby?

Yay or neigh?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the Kentucky woman know her daughter was on her period?

She tasted the blood on her son's penis.

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An old couple was driving through Kentucky

As they were driving down one stretch of highway, they got pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper approached the car and asked the driver to roll down his window.

"Hi sir, do you know why I pulled you over today?"

"Actually no sir, I don't."

"You were going 75 in a 55...

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Kentucky Derby trivia - Why don't female jockeys shave their pussies?

They like their fur long!

I'll show myself out...

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A man from West Virginia and a woman from Kentucky got married...

The day after their wedding, the man's father sees him storm into the house, gun in hand. "What's got you upset, son?" The father asked. To which the man replied, "I shot my wife. I found out she was a virgin, so if she isn't good enough for her family, she isn't good enough for ours!"

Prof to the student: Did you study geography?

Student: Yes sir.
Prof: so, tell me, where is Kentucky?
Student: At page 35 prof.

Kentucky Derby joke

Two racehorses are in a bar getting drunk.

The first one says: "In 100 starts, I got 85 firsts, 10 seconds and 5 thirds."

The second racehorse says: "Well in 100 starts for me, I got 90 firsts, 7 seconds and 3 thirds."

They begin fighting about this.

The bartender, a grey...

What do you get when you line up 12 girls from Kentucky?

A full set of teeth.

Morehead Kentucky

Its ironic that marriages are now happening again in morehead Kentucky.. Normally when you get married it turns out to be less head.

How is Halloween celebrated in Kentucky?

pumpkin

An old one but a good one

What does a hurricane in Florida, a tornado in Arkansas, and a divorce in Kentucky have in common?



Someone is fixin’ to lose a trailer

After a recent trip with my wife

I can say for a fact that the town of Moorehead Kentucky was given the wrong name.

You want to know what's the most unrealistic thing from Batman V superman? (not a spoiler)

A democratic senator from Kentucky.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Penis Study(borderline NSFW)

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the study was published, the Un...

I hate to beat a dead horse, but

If I’ve got enough money in the Kentucky Derby, you better believe I’ll do what’s necessary

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Little Johnny is in English class...

And the teacher calls on the class. "Who can give me an example of a sentence using the word, 'Definitely'?"

Little Susie raises her hand, "The sky is definitely blue."

"Very good," replies the teacher, "but when it's nighttime the sky is black, and when it's raining the sky is grey. A...

Fisherman and Game Warden

A fisherman was stopped by a game warden just north of Kentucky’s Lake Cumberland recently with two ice chests of fish.

The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

"Naw, my friend, I ain't got no license. These are my pet fish."

"Pet fish?"
...

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A man walks into a backwoods bar in Kentucky and orders a cosmopolitan.

A man walks into a backwoods bar in Kentucky and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks the man over and says, “Not from ’round here, are ya?” “No” replies the man, “I’m from Providence, Rhode Island.” The bartender looks at him and says, “Well what do ya do in Providence?” “I’m a taxidermist,” ...

[Long] The Farmers horse

There was a farmer who owned a small ranch with some livestock and two horses, Razzle and Dazzle. One day a traveling salesmen knocks on his door. While waiting for the farmer to answer he notices the horses racing around their pen. After he gives his sales pitch he says to the farmer:
"You know ...

There's a reason they call it "March Madness".

A Duke fan, a Kentucky fan, and a Tennessee fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most.

The Tennessee fan insists that he is the most loyal and then yells “This is for the Vols!” and jumps off the mountain.

Not to be outdone, the UK fan next professes h...

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You are never too old to learn something new

You are never too old to learn something new...

I LOVE YOU IN 10 LANGUAGES

English

I Love You

Spanish

Te Amo

French

Je T'aime

German

Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese

Ai Shite Imasu

Italian

Ti Amo

Chinese

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Good Ol' Boys

Two good ol’ boys in a Kentucky trailer park were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off work at the local Ford plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, “If’n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off ...

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A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire...

A Texan, a Kentuckian, a Californian, and an Oregonian are all sitting around a campfire, talking and BSing. Being a Texan, the first man decides to use a lull in the conversation to prove his manhood to the group. He pulls out a 6-pack of Lone Star beer and a revolver, slams down one of the beers i...

So I saw Amy Schumer perform live...

The Kentucky Derby really is magical!

AMA Request: Kim Davis.

I would like to hear her answer this question, for she seems uniquely qualified to do so:

If a man and woman from Kentucky get a divorce, are they still brother and sister?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man is down on his luck and needs a drink.

He stops at the busy tavern hoping someone will buy him one. He tells everyone in earshot that if anyone puts a piece of wood in front of him, he can tell them what type of wood it is and where it came from just by smelling it, if they buy him a drink.

The bartender says "okay" and accepts. A...

Mixed Signals

Ben is sitting at home reading a magazine or something, I dunno, and his phone rings. He answers, "Hey, who's this?"

"Sup, Ben. It's Frank," is the reply.

B: "Hey, what's up, man?"

F: "Listen, I need some relationship advice. Can you help me?"

B: "Sure."

F: "Cool, ...

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Three men are on a road trip across the US...

One is from Kentucky, another is from Tennessee and the last if from West Virginia.

So they are on the road and the man from Kentucky gets hungry so they decide to stop and get some food. He stops and buys some peanuts and a drink. As hes checking out the lady says

"Oh you must be from...

KFC Calls Pope

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.

The Pope says, "What can I do?"

The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from,

'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us...

Hey guys, What's the best compliment you can give to a girl you're flirting with?

"You remind me of my cousin"

But, it only works in Kentucky.

Fishing on the Ohio river

There was an old hillbilly on the Kentucky side and a redneck on the Ohio side. The hillbilly wasn't catching anything while the redneck was. So the hillbilly yelled across the river and asked how the redneck was catching all those fish. The redneck yelled back and said that he needed to be on this ...

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3 ducks

A hillbilly went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like hillbillies.The game warden ordered to the hillbilly to show his hunting license, and the ...

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Getting Lost (NSFW)

A journalist is working on his latest assignment for work. His latest assignment is meant to be a "human interest/daily life" piece. Being from Kentucky, he figured it'd be as good a place as any to start. His documentation leads him throughout the state, gathering various stories for his piece.
...

During a Papal audience, a business man approached the Pope and made this offer:

Change the last line of the Lord's prayer from "Give us this day our daily bread" to "Give us this day our daily chicken," and Kentucky Fried Chicken will donate $10,000,000 to Catholic charities. The Pope declined.
Two weeks later, the man approached the Pope again - this time with a $50,000,000...

Whats long, black and hard to cut into?

The line at ~~Kentucky Fried Chicken.~~ Popeyes
Edit Thanks /u/SatanicOnion

Two old farmers were talking about the 'good-ole-days'..

The old farmer from Texas says, "When I had my ranch, I could get up in the morning, get in my old Chevy truck, and drive all day and still be on my property."


The old farmer from Kentucky said, "Yeah, I had a truck like that once too... you shoulda gota Ford...hell, they'll get ya all th...

Yo Mama so poor...

...that when she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken she licks other people's fingers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Welcome Wagon

Tom had been in business for 25 years. Finally sick of the stress, he sold his business and bought 50 acres of land in Rural Kentucky as far from civilization as possible. He saw the postman once a week and got groceries once a month. Otherwise it was total peace and quiet.

After six months o...

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Medical Humor

1...A man comes into the ER and yells . . .'
My wife's going to have her baby in the cab.'
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab,
lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear.
Suddenly I noticed that there were several cabs - - - and I was in the wrong one.
...

The tale of Hobbin & Noggin

One day a farmer's mare birthed two foals. One was named Hobbin, and the other Noggin. The two horses grew up and loved to race each other. One day the farmer noticed the two racing each other around the pasture and thought to himself, "Wow! These horses are quick!" So the next day he entered them i...

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