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Kentucky Jokes

Two Canadians in Kentucky

So these two Canadians are driving into Louisville, Kentucky and are arguing about how to pronounce the name of the city.

“Its pronounced Lou-is-vill…obviously” The oilman from Alberta says

“No, you see, it is French! It is pronounced Loo-ie-vee!” The guy from Quebec retorts.

Th...

An elderly lady & her husband get pulled over by the cops for speeding near Lexington, Kentucky

Officer: “ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?”

Lady to her husband: “WHAT’D HE SAY??”

Man: “HE ASKED IF YOU KNOW WHY HE PULLED YOU OVER!!”

Lady to the cop: “OH. No!”

Officer: “well ma’am you were going well over the speed limit.”

Lady to her husband: “WHAT’D ...

What do tornados in Kentucky and divorces in Kentucky have in common?

Either way, someone is going to lose a trailer

When the end of the world comes, I want to be in Kentucky.

They're always 20 years behind everything.

Mark Twain

Why are murders in Kentucky so hard to solve?

Because there are no dental records and all the DNA matches.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There's a new restaurant opening called Kentucky Freud Chicken...

...It's motherfucking good.

Is the capital of Kentucky pronounced Loo-iss-ville or Loo-ee-ville?

Wrong. It's pronounced Frank-fort.

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I Asked A Kentucky Friend Of Mine How Many Sexual Partners He Had Had

He closed his eyes and started counting, then he fell asleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the most popular porn site in Kentucky?

Onlyfams

What do the Kentucky Derby and a wedding have in common?

They both have months of build up for 2 minutes of action.

I hear they make good jelly in Kentucky

KY jelly.

My wife and I went to the auction in Paris Kentucky the other week

and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,"THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR" My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs...smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'We walked t...

Did you hear they banned round hay bales in Kentucky?

Cows couldn't get a square meal.

(h/t my grandma who tells this joke like it is her job)

A Kentucky Fried Chicken lobbyist meets with the Pope.

He offers a donation of ten million dollars to the church if the Pope agrees to change the words in the Lord’s Prayer from “give us this day our daily bread” to “give us this day our daily chicken”

The Pope apologizes and says he is not interested.

“100 million dollars”, says the KFC r...

Two army boys, Leroy & Jasper....

Two Army boys, Leroy & Jasper, from the hills of Kentucky were promoted right from privates to Sergeants because of their great marksmanship with rifles.

Not long after, they're out for a walk and Leroy says, "Hey, Jasper, There's the NCO Club. Let's you and Me stop in." "But we's privat...

The toothbrush was invented in Kentucky.

If it was invented in any other state, it would have been called a teethbrush.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How did the Kentucky woman know her daughter was on her period?

She tasted the blood on her son's penis.

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An old couple was driving through Kentucky

As they were driving down one stretch of highway, they got pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper approached the car and asked the driver to roll down his window.

"Hi sir, do you know why I pulled you over today?"

"Actually no sir, I don't."

"You were going 75 in a 55...

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A man walks into a backwoods bar in Kentucky and orders a cosmopolitan.

A man walks into a backwoods bar in Kentucky and orders a cosmopolitan. The bartender looks the man over and says, “Not from ’round here, are ya?” “No” replies the man, “I’m from Providence, Rhode Island.” The bartender looks at him and says, “Well what do ya do in Providence?” “I’m a taxidermist,” ...

How do you pronounce the capital of Kentucky: Louis-ville or Lou-ee-ville?

Frankfort

A Kentucky farmer visits his farmer cousin in Ireland. The Irish farmer lives alone and the Kentucky Farmer asks how he avoids loneliness. Irish farmer says "The Sheep." "I could never!" replies the Kentucky Farmer. "Sure you could." The Irish farmer retorts...

"...Just pretend it's a chicken."

How are people from Kentucky like flour?

They're inbred.

If you marry a woman in Tennessee, but divorce her in Kentucky...

... is she still your sister?

What do you call a horse meat sandwich in Kentucky?

Last placed.

The Kentucky Derby is like my love life

You pay alot of money for something that doesn't last that long.

Kentucky Three-Kick.

A man is out pheasant hunting and finds a trespasser hunting on his land. The trespasser has just shot a pheasant. After some heated discussion, the landowner says, "I'll tell you what. Let's play Kentucky Three-Kick. If you win, you keep the bird". The trespasser asks. "What is Kentucky Three-Kick...

got arrested for smuggling books into kentucky

got off on a technicality, no one there could *prove* they were books

How is a woman like Kentucky Fried Chicken?

When you are finished with the breast and the thigh, you have a greasy box to stick your bone in.

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The hunting license

A hunter went hunting one day in West Virginia and bagged three ducks.

He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home where he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like hunters.

The game warden ordered to the hunter to show his hunting license, a...

Morehead Kentucky

Its ironic that marriages are now happening again in morehead Kentucky.. Normally when you get married it turns out to be less head.

Why don’t they need dress codes in Kentucky?

They already have the same genes.

I told my Kentucky raised girlfriend her family tree doesn't fork...

...it spoons.


She did not find it humorous

Two travelers are driving past a, "Welcome to Lewisville, Kentucky!", sign and ...

They can't decide if it's pronounce LouiS-ville or Louey-ville. So they decide to settle it by asking at a burger place they pull up to.

"Hi we're from out of town and have a bet about how locals pronounce this place"?

The local says deliberately and slowly, "Burger... King".

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There once was a man from Kentucky...

There once was a man from Kentucky,

Given a nickname he thought unlucky.

He was dubbed 'Moscow Mitch',

also called 'Putin's Bitch',

because his politics were so ratfucky.

What do folks in Kentucky do when their car breaks down?

Build a house next to it.

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Becky’s a Virgin

Young man from the hills of Eastern Kentucky returns home after his honeymoon.

“Ma, I want a divorce!”
“What forever for, son? You just got married.”
Ma, it’s Becky. She’s a virgin!
“OK son, so what?”
“We’ll shit, Ma, if her own family don’t want her, I sure as hell don’t want h...

The winner of the Kentucky Derby has been invited to the White House.

The stallion declined, stating: "If I wanted to look at a horse's ass, I would've come in second".

There is no reverse cowgirl in Kentucky

You don't turn your back on family!

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Two guys are watching the Kentucky Derby.

One of the guys, Jeff, is there, bragging about how he has a really fast dog that can almost beat the horses. He bets everyone there 300$ that their pets can’t beat his dog in a race. The other guy, Steve, is wearing a trench coat. Steve walks up to Jeff and takes him up on the bet.

After the...

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The Kentucky Derby is like sex on the first date.

There's a lot of build-up to the event, hearts are racing, tensions are high, everyone is super excited, and when the time finally comes and it's time to get started, it's over in 122 seconds....

Why are school lunches so much better in Kentucky?

Ours are thoroughbred.

In the back woods of Kentucky,

the redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to be a lantern and said, "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a baby boy was brought into the...

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what do you call a Kentucky farm girl who can run faster than her dad?

A Virgin

Hang-glider

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding.

Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight.

He takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind he goes!
<...

[NSFW] What does China and Kentucky Fried Chicken have in common?

Cleaning up the bloody mess by spraying it down the drain

The Kentucky State Fair will take place this year, but will be closed to the public

Doesn’t seem fair to me

What do you get when you line up 12 girls from Kentucky?

A full set of teeth.

3.8 Earthquake in Buffalo

Jeez, in Kentucky we just say she fell outta bed

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Kentucky Derby trivia - Why don't female jockeys shave their pussies?

They like their fur long!

I'll show myself out...

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Be Vewy Quiet

Long

Game Warden approaches a man Squirrel hunting; "Watcha got in that bag, son?" The young kid snorts; "Three Squirrels, Sir!"

"Let me see one of them Squirrels!" The Game Warden licks his finger and shoves it up the Squirrels butt, sniffs it and says; "Well, this here Squirrel is f...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Kentuckians

After their 11th child, a Kentucky couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So, the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.

The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that ...

A doctor is checking on his patient after she’s spent the night in the hospital and asks how her breakfast was.

“Well, doctor,” the old woman says, “the eggs were fine. The toast was fine. But the nurse left a tube of that Kentucky Jelly in here and it might be the worst thing I’ve ever tasted!”

What does a girl from Kentucky and a dog have in common?

They both lick their pa(w)!!

How is Halloween celebrated in Kentucky?

pumpkin

My wife and I got married on the same day as the Kentucky Derby. I remember it because I was considering betting my life’s savings on this one Filly.

...

I also considered putting money on the derby.

You want to know what's the most unrealistic thing from Batman V superman? (not a spoiler)

A democratic senator from Kentucky.

Breakfast Foods

I tried the Kentucky Brand jelly on my toast this morning.

This stuff is awful, how do you all eat this?

A hillbilly walks into a Brooklyn bar…

…with a frog on his shoulder. As he steps up to the bar the bartender asks him, “Hey where did you get that?” The frog answers “East Kentucky, they’re all over the place down there.”

An old one but a good one

What does a hurricane in Florida, a tornado in Arkansas, and a divorce in Kentucky have in common?



Someone is fixin’ to lose a trailer

I hate to beat a dead horse, but

If I’ve got enough money in the Kentucky Derby, you better believe I’ll do what’s necessary

Are you guys watching the Kentucky Derby?

Yay or neigh?

Billy: "Your mare - what breed is it?" Jack: "No clue, but it beat the winner of this year's Kentucky Derby. " "Why wasn't it entered for the Triple Crown?" "Problem is, it gallops only at night. Snoozes in the daytime."

"Tsk tsk tsk... a nightmare."

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My brother had to stop drinking whiskey

He tried whiskey from all over the world.

Irish whiskey made him always want to fight someone.

Canadian whiskey made him overly friendly.

Kentucky whiskey made him want to fuck our cousin!

To be successful in life, you have to pull yourself up by your shoelaces!

Unfortunately, I’m from Kentucky

A horse plays cricket

I heard this a while ago on BBC America, so it's paraphrased a bit:

----

A horse is in his field, watching a cricket match over the fence.

He calls out to the captain, and asks if he could play as well. The skipper says, "Why not? Might be fun," and gives the horse a bat as it w...

After a recent trip with my wife

I can say for a fact that the town of Moorehead Kentucky was given the wrong name.

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You are never too old to learn something new

You are never too old to learn something new...

I LOVE YOU IN 10 LANGUAGES

English

I Love You

Spanish

Te Amo

French

Je T'aime

German

Ich Liebe Dich

Japanese

Ai Shite Imasu

Italian

Ti Amo

Chinese

...

AMA Request: Kim Davis.

I would like to hear her answer this question, for she seems uniquely qualified to do so:

If a man and woman from Kentucky get a divorce, are they still brother and sister?

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A Penis Study(borderline NSFW)

In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man's penis was larger than the shaft. After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the study was published, the Un...

my first published joke

My wife and I were not doing well in the bedroom. So we decided to go to an adult store. My wife, being from Kentucky, was a little hesitant as she felt that good southern girls shouldn't be there. After browsing a while, we each picked a few items, paid and left. When we got home she showed me a bo...

The government is asking for bids for a new stretch of highway....

Company from Kentucky proposes a bid for $1M. Says $600K for labor, $300K for material and $100K profit.

Company from Ohio proposes a bid for $2M. Says $1.2M for labor, $600K for material and $200K profit.

Company from Chicago proposes a bid for $5M with no explanation or breakdown o...

During the protests outside the White House, part of the new fence gets torn down.

Being as the repair is a government job, the secret service is tasked with getting three bids.

They post the job, and receive three responses. One is from a contractor in Kentucky. The second is from Texas, and the third is from Iowa .

The three contractors meet with the secret service...

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Three men are on a road trip across the US...

One is from Kentucky, another is from Tennessee and the last if from West Virginia.

So they are on the road and the man from Kentucky gets hungry so they decide to stop and get some food. He stops and buys some peanuts and a drink. As hes checking out the lady says

"Oh you must be from...

Prof to the student: Did you study geography?

Student: Yes sir.
Prof: so, tell me, where is Kentucky?
Student: At page 35 prof.

3 Texans get married

First one marries a girl from Alabama, he tells here in Texas women are expected to do the dishes and clean house also have a meal on the table for when he gets home. On the first day nothing but a couple of days later he came home to a clean house and a meal on the table.

The second one marr...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is in English class...

And the teacher calls on the class. "Who can give me an example of a sentence using the word, 'Definitely'?"

Little Susie raises her hand, "The sky is definitely blue."

"Very good," replies the teacher, "but when it's nighttime the sky is black, and when it's raining the sky is grey. A...

Yo Mama so poor...

...that when she goes to Kentucky Fried Chicken she licks other people's fingers.

What does Kentucky Fried Chicken and me trying to stretch out my last roll of cheap toilet paper have in common?

They're both finger licking good.

So I saw Amy Schumer perform live...

The Kentucky Derby really is magical!

There's a reason they call it "March Madness".

A Duke fan, a Kentucky fan, and a Tennessee fan are climbing a mountain and arguing about who loves their team the most.

The Tennessee fan insists that he is the most loyal and then yells “This is for the Vols!” and jumps off the mountain.

Not to be outdone, the UK fan next professes h...

Wonder bread

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks for a favor.
The Pope says, "What can I do?"
The Colonel says, "I need you to change the daily prayer from, 'Give us this day our daily bread' to 'Give us this day our...

Two old farmers were talking about the 'good-ole-days'..

The old farmer from Texas says, "When I had my ranch, I could get up in the morning, get in my old Chevy truck, and drive all day and still be on my property."


The old farmer from Kentucky said, "Yeah, I had a truck like that once too... you shoulda gota Ford...hell, they'll get ya all th...

Hey guys, What's the best compliment you can give to a girl you're flirting with?

"You remind me of my cousin"

But, it only works in Kentucky.

Whats long, black and hard to cut into?

The line at ~~Kentucky Fried Chicken.~~ Popeyes
Edit Thanks /u/SatanicOnion

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