A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

Who swore the most in star wars?

R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy roleplaying fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

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Last night I was lying in my room and gazing up at the stars...

Then I thought... Where the fuck is my roof?

How do stars die?

They usually overdose

The star football player was missing his academic requirements

He was the best player they'd seen in years, but unfortunately, shared an IQ with his helmet. Regulations required that the player be benched until he brought his grades back up.

The coach, wanting to win their first season in decades, pled to allow the player to finish the season. It was fin...

Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Luke-Warm

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What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo

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My porn star girlfriend is on this new diet.

She eats loads.

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Ladies, if he's willing to give you the Moon and the Stars....

You should be able to sacrifice Uranus.

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I feel bad for porn stars…

They don’t get AC, only fans

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Why did the porn star check out an astronomy book?

She'd been cast in "meatier showers."

The creator of Star Trek was renowned for emptying his bowels in obscure places.

He would boldly go where no man had gone before.

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So I don’t know why but every time we watch a movie starring Chris Pratt my girlfriend always goes into the bathroom for a very long time

I don’t really mind and I don’t really care because that just gives me more time to jerk off to Chris Pratt

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What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

I went to the doctor and, he said, "Pick a star sign?" Any star sign?

I said, "Capricorn."

He said, "No, you've got Cancer."

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A porn star got hit by a bus.

The bus driver must have never seen her coming.

Stand up Comedy on Star Trek

Yo mamma so fat… she tried to use the teleporter, but it ran out of atoms before she made it to the other side

What happens when a star has too much gas?

It gets constellation.

(Maybe it should loosen it's Orion's belt)

My friend asked me if the next Star Wars movies were going to be in 3D

"Yes" I replied "...but they R2D2."

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I looked up at Canus Major and a star told me "I'm the brightest star in the sky!"

And I said "You can't be Sirius!"

Everyone knows about Darth Vader, but very few people talk about his wife.

Ella wasn’t great at conquering planets but she did make it easier to navigate the Death Star.

If someone on a first date tells me their hobbies include drawing the flag of China without the stars I think to myself...

that's a big red flag!

I tried asking girls out at a Star Wars convention

I've been looking for love in Alderaan places.

I got mugged in a dark alley by K-pop stars

Now I have BTSD

Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you ...

My wife loves Star Wars...

so last night we watched all the Mandalorian, back to back!

Luckily, I was the one facing the TV...

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

Why do Star Wars Jedi absolutely hate having to open PDF files ?

Because attachments are forbidden.

TIL the next Star Wars movie will debut a new droid with a comically-short attention span.

Its name is 80-HD

The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes.

I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans.

What do you call a star wars bounty hunter who loves tropical fruit ?

Mango Fett.

Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars?

Me: well of course I know him, he is me

In church I heard an old lady saying a prayer

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-
"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough couple of years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues artist BB King.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor....

Can A Ninja Throw Stars?

Sure He Can!

What star sign are you?

"I'm a contrarian."

"That's not a star sign."

"YES IT IS!"

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There's a Hispanic porn star who has two penises, each of a different size. The larger one he calls Jose...

The smaller one he calls Hose B.

Justin Timberlake to star in Dark Crystal reboot

Working title: "Bringing Skeksis Back"

The Captain's Drink

Captain Hook, Captain Crunch, and Captain America walk into a bar.
Hook says, "Ahoy mates, I'll buy the first round. Just let me go to the bathroom real quick."
The others wait and when Hook comes back Captain America asks, "Hey Hook, how bout those drinks?"
Hook yells, "Shove it up yer sta...

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.

For the Star Wars Lovers

Obi-Wan: Why did the movies come out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9?

Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was.

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I went to a porn stars reunion yesterday...

It was nice to come across old faces again!

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What do an ambulance and a porn star have in common?

They’re both really loud when they come.

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My girlfriend said she was looking at ninja stars online. I told her to stop being racist.

They're just called Japanese actors.

Bad VR star wars joke

So there's a guy playing at VR game his friend walks into the room and sees him swinging his hands around like he's swinging a lightsaber and he assumes he's playing beat saber and judging from the height of his swings there are a lot of low blocks his friend taps hin on the shoulder and says hey ca...

I was going to make a Star Wars joke today...

But I didn't want to fourth it.

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What do porn stars do for a living?

Nothing, they just fuck around

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I finally persuaded my frigid wife to make a sex-tape last month, and now she thinks we could make a living as porn stars.

Although so far, we've had no pre-orders for Disinterested Blowjobs 2.

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Favourite porn movie parodies…

I’ll start, let’s see what list we can create…

Shaving Ryan’s Privates

Schindler’s Fist

Willy Bonk Her in the Chocolate Factory

Pulp Friction

Evil Head

Honey, I blew everybody

Inspect Her Gadget

Missionary Impossible

Saturday Night Beave...

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What’s the difference between a stuntman and a porn star?

One has cunning stunts the other has a ....

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

An engineering student, a geometry major, and a star basketball player are trapped on a desert island

They’re debating how to get off the island or get rescued. The engineering student looks around and sees only a few palm trees and some coconuts.

“We need to cut down the trees and make a raft to sail away on.” He says and starts designing.

“We need a basketball to pass the time.” Th...

Professor Martins at the University was giving a lecture on "Logic and Legality" to his first year students.

This day one of his students was perturbed because he had just received his results and was shocked that his professor had failed him.

After sitting through the lecture for an hour, the student raised his hand. "Professor, do you really understand anything about the subject?"

The profe...

Party games are so different in the Star Wars galaxy...

For example on Earth you bob for apples, but on Tatooine you Bib Fortuna.

New Zelda game, starring just the princess, that ties all the story lines together...

"The Missing Link"

If you celebrate Star Wars Day too hard tonight...

watch out for the revenge of the fifth.

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Hal is telling the guys at the plant about the morons he saw this weekend.

"You wouldn't believe it," Hal said. "Four guys up at 5:30 on Saturday morning just swing at this little white ball try to get it in the hole."

"What kind of star-spangled moron gets up that early on a perfectly good Saturday morning just to play golf?"

One of the guys asks, "What we...

Did you guys hear the next King Kong movie will star Lady Kong?

Apparently it'll be a rom-kong

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Why can't the star of Dirty Jobs get a girlfriend?

He has a Mike Rowe penis.

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The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

An anti-vaxxer got a call from the Doctor.

The doctor said "Your test results are in and I'm afraid it's not good news."

"Nonsense," replied the anti-vaxxer. "I don't trust your pharmaceutical industry. My entire life I relied on homeopathic remedies instead of medication, and the only diagnosis I accept is based on my horoscope."
...

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

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What's the difference between an accountant and a porn star?

An accountant usually has a father figure

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How do porn stars organize their day

They make to-do lists

Why are Star Wars movies released in the order of 456, 123, 789?

Released by Yoda they were

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This bloke walks into the poshest restaurant in town.

'Where's the pissing, motherfucking manager, you cocksucking arsewipe?' he inquires of one of the waiters. The waiter is taken-aback and replies, 'Excuse me sir but could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here. I will get the manager as soon as I can'.

The manager comes o...

(from my 9 year old) What is the scariest planet in Star Wars?

Na-BOO!

Did you read the Alien's review of our solar system?

"Nothing special... one star."

I reported my discovery of a new Dwarf Star to the Astronomy Society, so they let me name it.

I am gonna call it Peter Twinklage.

Sherlock and Watson go camping After a nice fire, roasting s'mores, and talking for a few hours, they finally crawl into their tent and go to sleep

In the middle of the night, Sherlock shakes Watson awake. "Tell me Watson" he said "What can you deduce by looking at the stars?"



Watson, slightly puzzled, said "Well, I can deduce by the number of them that the universe must be incredibly vast, and contain billions of stars. Likely...

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

Liam Neeson will star in a new thriller where he rescues the wrong woman

the film will be titled "Mistaken"

Jonathon Ross forgot to record the new Star Wars film...

What a wookie mistake

My brother got a new pet hamster.

He wanted to think of a perfect name for him so he pondered for a while. Finally he came up with Cuba Gooding Jr. because he absolutely loved most of his movies.

One day Cuba got out of his cage and we couldn’t find him for hours. We looked everywhere, even into the garage and finally the at...

A Frenchman Visits Texas

A French man came to Texas to visit an old friend from WW2. The Texan picked him up in his gigantic Cadillac with longhorns mounted on the hood. Knowing that his friend must be hungry and thirsty after the long flight, he stopped at a bar and grill on the way. They walked in and took a seat at the b...

News: Scientists have finally discovered Dark Matter doesn't exist.

Instead, your mother's mass has been keeping our galaxy together, and prevented the stars in it from being sent out into the infinite universe.

Star Wars names are just regular words if you put a random space somewhere:

Mos Quito

Que Sadilla

Scu Bagear

Syn Tax

Rev Erse

Mala Mute

Trypto Phan

Cano Nical

Impo Tent

Slee Papnea

My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die

"Usually an overdose", I said

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward...

Boy: your teeth are like stars

GIRL: Aww.. thanks are they that much pretty?


Boy: no, far away from each other

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As male porn stars age they learn one thing...

You’re either working hard, or you’re hardly working.

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I can never tell if an old porn star is retired...(NSFW)

Or if they just quit their fucking job.

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

My girlfriend left me because I’m a big Star Wars fan

Looks like tonight I’ll be Han Solo.

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Sherlock Holmes Looks at the Night Sky

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are laying in their sleeping bags looking up at the midsummer sky. Sherlock turns to Watson and asks, "Watson, what do you see?"


"Stars and the moon, dear Holmes," he says.


"What does it mean?" Sherlock asks.


"Well," says Watson. "It ...

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A Neutron Star wanders near a Black Hole...

Neutron Star: Hey, imma just pass by real quick."

Black Hole: \*Laughs\* You dense motherfucker.

The Exorcist star Linda Blair turns 62 today and still looks amazing

She is still turning heads.

(Heard this one on the radio this morning.)

Went to an 80s fancy dress party once, my wife didn’t want me to go as a pop star.

But I was adamant.

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it...

... and he'll have to touch to be sure.

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

Someone has spray painted a swastika on Donald Trump's star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The police are still trying to figure out if it was a supporter or an opponent.

My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I'm leaving you."

"May divorce be with you!!" I replied.

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Dusty Hill Blinked his eye open.

His head felt fuzzy. His eyes sticky. Dusty Hill Blinked his eyes open. "Wake up Dusty" said a familiar voice. His eyes focused, his brain whirled. It couldn't be who it seemed to be. Jimi mother fucking hendrix?

.

"Wake up Dusty. It's showtime!" Said the coolest voice ev...

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What happened to the porn star who was admitted into the emergency room?

He went into stepsis.

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

Thought this up while driving behind a car with a Star Wars Rebel sticker on it.

What is the favorite type of weather of Stormtroopers?

Mist

Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff

It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother

Have you guys heard about this remake of the old Jim Carrey/Renee Zellwegger movie, but starring mumble rappers?

It's called "Me, Myself, and My lean."

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What is a porn star’s favorite horror movie?

Night Of The Giving Head

Team LeBron beat team Durant in the NBA All Star game last night.

Immediately after the game Kevin Durant announced he is signing with Team LeBron.

I'm in bed, looking up at the stars and think to myself...

"Where the hell did my ceiling go?"

An archaeologist was in Jerusalem when he discovered a slab of rock with five figures on it: the Star of David, an ox, a shovel, an owl, and a woman.

"This is really fascinating," said the archaeologist. "This tells me a lot about ancient Hebrew culture. The Star of David tells me, of course, that they were a very religious people. The ox tells me that they used domesticated animals, such as oxen, to plow the fields. The shovel tells me that they...

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The little red man joke.

The little white woman was busy baking a cake. Only as she reached around in her little white cupboards she realised she had no sugar for her little white cake. Not to be disheartened she decided to wander next door to her neighbour, the little green man, to see if he would be kind enough to lend he...

A corporal needed to use the pay phone but didn't have change.

He saw a private mopping the floor nearby and asked, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure, hang on." The corporal gave him an icy stare and yelled, "That's no way to address your superior! Straighten up and let's try that again! Private, do you have change for a dol...

Drew is a security guard, and he has just been brought on to the team of up-and-coming British Pop Star, Chris "Anthem" Williamson.

Today is Drew's first day working with his new team. He meets with Finley, Chris's Stage Manager, to go over what he needs to know for the next gig.

Towards the end of his orientation, Finley tells Drew, "Lastly, Chris a bit of an eccentric fellow. He does NOT like to be disturbed when he's ...

Elsa from Frozen is now an adult film actress starring in

Let it grow

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What is a porn star's favourite Christmas tradition?

Kissing underneath the camel toe

My son Luke loves the fact he's named after a Star Wars character

My daughter Chewbacca, not so much

A silent film star died today.

He had no final words.

Can a ninja really wield a star?

Shuriken

I'm starring in a new theater production about puns

It's a play on words

Who played Anakin Skywalker in the Star Wars prequels?

Emperor Palpatine

Here's an old one. Who curses the most in Star Wars?

R2-D2, everything he says is bleeped out.

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

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Did you hear about the porn star who wanted to do a scene with all five members of Aerosmith?

They gave it a try, but they could only get Foreigner

A quarterback was being interviewed only moments before the start of the game. The reporter had 3 quick questions: "Your favorite pizza? Your favorite Star Wars character? Your favorite non-football activity?"

His answers were just as brief:

"Hut, Hutt, Hike!"

What's the easiest way to find a spy in the United States?

Ask them to sing the Star Spangled Banner.

If the sing more than one verse, you have your spy.

To Boldly Go...

“My friend had a disastrous date last night... apparently the guy was into giving golden showers. He was a big actor, too, one of the Star Trek guys.”

“Shatner??”

“No, I think she left before he could get to that.”

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