I'm in bed, looking up at the stars and think to myself...

"Where the hell did my ceiling go?"

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

Why is Texas called the Lone Star State?

Because that's the highest rating it could get

I asked my astronomy professor, "How do stars die?"

He replied, "Usually an overdose."

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NSFW. How do tell the difference between a porn star and a statistician?

Get them to pronounce "analyzed".

OC. This is my take on the joke about how the chemist and the plumber pronounce "unionized"

Why did the Star Wars movies come out 4-5-6, 1-2-3?

In charge of scheduling, I was.

Why is vodka so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe?

Because only Siths deal in Absolut.

Star Wars is about the eternal conflict between two opposing forces. One headhunts children across the galaxy, puts them into a religious cult, indoctrinates them, even forbids them from having a relationship, then sends them off to die in the nearest war.

The other is the Sith.

Would you rather eat a chicken leg or a shooting star?

You'd probably say the chicken, but I'd pick the star... it's a little meteor.

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I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Babes, **Jabba the Hutt** is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

Why were the Star Wars movies released 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of planning, Yoda was.

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I’d rather masturbate than do double penetration on the hottest porn star in the world

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

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Hey did y’all hear about the porn star that died in the hotdog eating contest?

She died the way she lived- choking on wieners and gasping for air.

What Star Wars character would be best at limbo?

Han So Low

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Today I asked a porn star what would she do if she got fired?

She said she just wouldn't give a fuck.

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

The original actor who played Captain Kirk tried to start a Star Trek themed line of women’s lingerie.

But no one would invest in Shatner Panties.

(An oldie, but deserved a fresh posting)

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What is a porn stars favourite drink?

7-up in cider

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My friend told me I’m dating a porn star. I said “no way”... He replied...

“Look at her, it’s all over her face”

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Ladies. If your man is giving you both the moon and stars

You should be willing to sacrifice uranus

Times were tough at the Daily Planet and Perry White was forced to fire a star reporter. Either Lois Lane or Clark Kent.

He struggled making a decision for days until he went to the grocery store and saw a sign. The next day he called both of them into his office where fired Lois Lane. After she left, Clark Kent asked him, "Perry, how did you decide which of us to fire?" He replied, "I couldn't make a decision until I...

Latest results from the Star Wars Cup.

OB - 1, R2D - 2

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How many porn stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, but they have to be very small

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I just read this strange new book about a dark blue star exploding out of a sailor's belly button

It's a novel naval navel navy nova novel

A piece of retconned canon from Star Wars has a danger of causing glaring plotholes in upcoming Disney films and series.

It's what is known as "a loose canon."

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Back when I smoked cigars people were always telling me I looked like a movie star.

Lassie taking a crap.

Why haven't aliens come to our solar system yet?

They read the reviews,

One star

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What is a porn star’s favorite pokemon?

Squirtle.

Why were Star Wars 4,5,6 set before 1,2,3 ?

In charge of scheduling, Yoda was put!

A guy in a wheelchair once applied for Stars in their Eyes with his nephew and they both successfully got on the show...

...when asked about his accident by the presenter, he stated "Well me and nephew are both glazers you see, and one day my nephew, who is here with me tonight, was up a ladder holding onto this double glazed window that we were both installing, when it suddenly slipped from his grasp and sliced strai...

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What's the same about the Star Ship Enterprise and Toilet Paper?

They both fly to Uranus and wipe out the cling-ons

Star Wars names

My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter Chewbacca not as much.

An Avatar: The Last Airbender and Star Trek crossover?

ATLAST!

John runs a booming 5-star hotel business in his town.

One day, a bald headed guy comes to his hotel and asks for Room 690 specifically.

"But sir, that room is already occupied. We could give you another room."

"I'll pay you ten times more. I need that room."

John, obviously lured by the money, gives him the room. But the bald head...

How do you tell the different between a psychiatrist and an adult film star?

Ask them to pronounce the word 'analyzed.'

Who played Annakin Skywalker in the Star Wars prequels?

Emperor Palpatine

When the "Whose Line is It Anyway" star was publicly derided by a phone guest, it was...

A call-in mockery!

My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die

"Usually an overdose", I said

Heard this sub has a lot of Star Trek fans. Did you guys know that to cut down on costs, a lot of the cast and crew camped outside in tents while filming the outdoor scenes in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Kahn? I just snagged one on eBay!

Yeah, so anyways - I thought you guys would appreciate my original Kahn tent.

When shopping for a vacuum on amazon, never trust a 5 star review.

There is no such thing as a perfect vacuum.

It must be scary dating an adult film star

So many jealous step brothers

Steve likes Flowers

Every week, he goes to a different florist in his city, and buys a different kind of flower, trying to find what looks and smells best. On this occasion, however, he struggles to find one that fits his vibe for the week. Seeing his struggle, the young florist walks up.

"Hi!" She says with a ...

If Pride Flags exist; there must be Shame Flags

Which explains the Stars and Bars of the Confederacy

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How are riot police like male porn stars?

They don't have to shoot you in the face, they just want to.

Scientists were baffled when hundreds of stars were suddenly extinguished.

Nobody saw the meteor that slammed into Hollywood.

Did you hear that the star of Con Air was arrested and put in a jail cell filled with pennies, dimes, and quarters?

It was a nickel-less cage.

every time I hear this, I burst out laughing.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke up Watson and said: "Watson lookup in the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied: " see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "...

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What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bi sexual Hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie watching sci-fi on wifi.

What kind of bird would make a great action movie star?

Steven Sea-gull

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not Frank...

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Mr. Johnson was sitting on a plane, waiting for it to take off, when one last person boarded the plane and sat down next to him. Mr. Johnson realized, much to his surprise and delight, that it was social media fitness star Michelle Lewin.

"This is amazing!" he said. "How lucky is it that I sit right next to one of the hottest women on social media?"

"I'm on my way to a fitness conference," said Michelle. "I'm going to tell my fellow women some of my best-kept secrets on getting and staying fit like me."

"Wow!" said Mr. ...

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My girlfriend is a star on pornhub.

She'll kill me if she finds out.

Ninja 1: Hey bud, could you throw me that little metal star?

Ninja 2: Shuriken

I gave that movie 3.14 stars!

Cause I pi-rated it.

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Where do porn stars buy their cucumbers?

Hole Foods

My brother's still single on star wars day.

Apparently he's been looking for love in Alderaan places.

Yesterday i was laying in my bed, looking at the stars...

And I thought "huh, where'd the roof go?"

Quarantined Star Wars troopers be like "I miss people"

First off all, you always miss.

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

What do you call an invisible Star Wars droid?

C-thru-PO

What did the Star Wars fan with a lisp say?

May the Fourth be with you.

What does a ninja say when someone asks if he can use throwing stars?

Shuriken

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Little Johnny has the foulest mouth in his first grade class

All the teachers at the school know this. One day, a teacher starts teaching her class the alphabet.

She says, "Class, who can give me a word that starts with the letter A?"

Little Johnny raises his hand, but the teacher knows Johnny is going to use a swear word, so she picks someone e...

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Fishing stopped me from perusing a career as a porn star.

Now I'm just a hooker.

What do you get when you cross Captain America with The Incredible Hulk?

Star spangled Banner.

Daddy how do stars die?

Drugs mostly

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.

However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

What’s a Star Wars fan’s favourite drink

Qui Gon Gin

Star Trek fans always expect a gift when going to a convention

They call it the enter prize.

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I saw a Blackhole getting into a fight with a star

The star went for a punch but got sucked into the Blackhole.
I went up to it and said “Man! You’re one dense motherfucker”.

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It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Home.

After the community sing-along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time," said Claude.

The excited chatter...

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The worst thing about being a Japanese porn star

Is being born with pixelated genitals.

What’s a place a TikTok star could go and not be noticed?

A bar

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English Literature Class

Professor starts the literature class. "Today's lesson is metaphors. A metaphor conceptualizes and exaggerate a big thing into a small creative image. As an example you can say 'The snow is a white blanket' instead of saying that snow is white. Can anyone say a similar metaphor ? "

"Tom Crui...

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A director was explaining to the porn star what her role was

“Get a load of this guy”

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Since we're doing favourites, here's mine:

Three men are walking along a beach when they come across a lamp buried in the sand. They pull it out and dust it off and out pops a genie.

"For giving me my freedom, I shall grant each of you three wishes," he declares.

The first guy says, "I wish for a billion dollars!" Poof, his b...

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I’m on a date with a cute guy and we start talking about tattoos.

He asks me if I have any tattoos and I say “yeah, some stars on my right hip.” I ask him if he has any and he says “yeah, one on my dick and it says Shorty.” My face falls as I realize what this means just when we are really starting to hit things off. But then he says “when my dick gets hard it say...

A man walks into a 5-star restaurant...

A man walks into a fancy 5-star restaurant.

The host says to him: " Good evening sir. Do you have a reservation?"

The man replies : "Yes, actually."

The host asks: "Name?"

And the man replies: " Nah, the name is ok. It's just the atmosphere."

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Which US President was most popular among Spanish porn stars?

L.B.J.

I left a one-star review on my local dollar store.

They didn’t sell any dollars.

An old man went to a dinner party with his wife and 3 friends. He then called his wife universe at the party.

The three friends were surprised at the weird pet name and decided to guess the reason behind it.

The first friend was a romantic and said maybe he calls her that because their love must be as big as the universe.

The second friend was a scientist and said maybe he wants their marriage...

Since its may the 4th, I decided to watch the classic Star Wars trilogy with my girlfriend.

First time she ever saw Chewbacca, and she thought he was an Ewok... ... ...

Classic wookie mistake.

(Oldie, but never gets olde)

The remake of Mulan and the Chinese banner have a lot in common.

They're both huge red flags with stars in their corner.

Oh, sure everyone loves Star Wars on May 4th...

Until you tell your nephew you’re his father!

I was out camping one night just laying down in my sleeping bag and looking up at the stars wondering....

Where the hell is my tent?

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I heard this one a few years ago and just remembered it after some time. I don't know if it's already been posted here or not, and if it has, I am sorry! I've also made some edits to it because, well, I don't have the original at my fingertips right now.

When I was in high school - in 10th or 11th grade I think - our class got two new students about midway through the school year. They were twins - a brother and sister - and they were from China. They'd moved to the U.S. only recently, yet they still had a pretty good education in English and I assu...

I went to the doctor because I’ve had the Pawn Stars theme stuck in my head for two weeks

He said he’d have to call in a buddy of his who was an expert on those sorts of things

(But seriously please help me I’m going insane)

What did the throwing star say when his friend asked if he could lend a hand?

Shuriken

Why has our solar system never been visited by aliens?

Bad reviews; only one star.

Credit's to Sebastion Elytron; where ever you may be.

Some people really like Orion's Belt

But I think it's just a big waist of space.

I got into a huge fight with my husband, who was a star war fanatic.

"May divorce be with you. " he said.

Why does Star Wars have a classical music score?

Because the Empire likes Bach!

“A man being diagnosed”

The doctor said, “pick a star sign, any star sign”.
The man said, “Uh, Capricorn”,
The doctor replied,”sorry mate, you got Cancer”

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My next door neighbors are porn stars.

They just don't know it yet.

how do you make a creative Star Wars joke?

you have to think outside of the jarjar

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!” His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

A husband and wife were dining at a 5-star restaurant. When their food arrived, the husband said: “Our food has arrived! Let’s eat!”

His wife reminded him: “Honey, you always say your prayers at home before your dinner!”

Her husband replied: “That’s at home, my dear. Here the chef know...

My dad's star sign was cancer which is ironic considering how he died

He was attacked by a giant crab

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A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day

when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaz...

Shoot for the moon, if you miss you'll land among the stars is a good quote

Unless you're an astronaut.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My sex life is just like my favourite Star Wars character.

Hand Solo

why aren't star wars jokes popular?

.

.

.

.

they are usually quite *forced*

(just like this one)

Did you hear they finally revealed Yoda's surname on that new Star Wars show??

I can't believe it's Layheehoo

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The baboon.

The zoo owner is becoming concerned because his star attraction, the baboon, is becoming more and more aggressive. He calls an old buddy of his from college, who happens a to have been a zoology major. The zoo owner explains what has been going on, and asks his friend if there is anything that can b...

I was watching Star Wars with my daughter. She asked why Luke was climbing inside a Tauntaun, I said to keep warm.

She asked how warm? I said lukewarm

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Last night, I was lying in bed gazing up at the stars thinking

*Where the fuck is my roof?*

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What’s the most popular Star Wars action figure in Japan?

Toy-Yoda.

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A joke that’s got me various death threats

So there was a horse, and this horse was really talented. He was great on guitar. One day he found himself watching youtube and stumbled upon a Jimi Hendrix song which inspired him to start a cover. He practised this cover really hard, eventually becoming inspired to create a cover of a whole Jimi H...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. [long]

After a good dinner, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."


"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson.


"And what do you ...

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