UPJOKE
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Star Jokes

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

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I once hooked up with a Japanese porn star...

...but it was a total blur.

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy roleplaying fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

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I told my wife we can have sex or go see Star Wars, she said, I'm on my period and Star Wars is sold out.

But she pulled some strings and got me in.

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My girlfriend is a porn star!

She's going to be really mad when she finds out.


EDIT: Will people stop asking me to post the source or a picture, this is a joke that it is why it is here instead of in mildlyinterestng.
The truth is my girlfriend tried to be a porn star but the producer said to her "come back in 5 ...

Why didn't Leia email Obi-Wan the Death-Star plans?

The Jedi Code forbids attachments.

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

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NSFW My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom

My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the D...

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

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My aunt's star sign was cancer, pretty ironic how she died

She was eaten by a giant crab

My friend asked me if the new Star Wars was in 3D...

... and I said, yes, but they R2D2.

My son Luke loves that I named my children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.

There are no rock stars.

They are all made of gas.

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A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says "piano player wanted"

He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he'd like to apply for the job. The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he's got. The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard. He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.

Deeply moved, the manag...

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What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo

Why is Texas called the Lone Star state?

Because you can’t leave a zero stars rating

Haven't seen the new Star Wars yet...

But everybody posting spoilers about how Princess Leia dies

"Daddy, how do stars die?"

"Drugs, normally."

Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie?

It's a perfect 5/7.

The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers)

Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

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My girlfriend is a porn star.

She will kill me if she finds out.

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I got a boner when I read that my favorite porn star died

I had mourning wood.

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What are porn stars paid?

Income

3 dirty Star Wars jokes

1) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he finally got inside Princess Leia?

Because it was Luke warm

2) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he was eating Princess Leia?

Because she felt chewy

3) Did Han do the right thing when he confronted Leia about these?

No, that nig...

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3?

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

A failed rapper, a failed rock star, and a mediocre country singer walk into a bar

He tells the bartender "anything but Budweiser."

Why does a shooting star taste better than a comet?

It's a little meteor.

Can you kill someone with a throwing star?

Shuriken.

Star wars joke

Han solo: Yoda are we going the right way?
Yoda: Off course we are

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What do politicians and porn stars have most in common?

They’re experts at switching positions in front of camera.

This barista at StarBucks looked so nervous as she handed me my coffee.

I think she was scared because she spelt my name wrong, she wrote "callthecops".

I didn't bother leaving a tip.

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Why don't porn stars get convicted of any crimes?

Because they can always get themselves off.

A swastika has been spray painted over Donald Trump's star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame...

...Police say it's impossible to tell if the act was committed by Trump's opponents or supporters.

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My girlfriend's a porn star

And she's going to be really pissed when she finds out

A woman 14 days into her menstrual cycle starred in a Broadway play

She got a standing ovulation

What did Yoda say when he watched Star Wars on Blu-Ray?

HDMI

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

Hey girl, are you a white dwarf star?

'cause you're pretty hot but kind of dim.

Star Wars Episode 7-9 Titles Revealed

Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens

Star Wars Episode VIII: The Force Sleeps For Five More Minutes

Star Wars Episode IX: The Force Is Late For Work

Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars?

Me: well of course I know him, he is me

When you wish upon a star...

You burn to death very quickly.

How did Mace die in Star Wars?

Through the Windu

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Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking...

Where the fuck is my roof?

I'm the Brightest star in the Night sky. I'm not joking....

I'm Sirius.

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What does the star ship enterprise have in common with toilet paper?

They both chase Klingons around Uranus!

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Male Porn star.

How can you tell a male porn star at a petrol station.?

He pulls the nozzle out just before the tank is full and sprays the last bit over the windscreen and bonnet.

My son (who is into astronomy) asked me “How do stars die?”

Being the intellectual I am I replied “Usually through an overdose”

my friend got a face tattoo of his favorite Star Wars character

you should’ve seen the Luke on his face

Peter Mayhew will be reprising his role as Chewbacca in the next Star Wars movie!

They said they wanted to cast the role to a veteran rather than a wookiee.

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome

Two beggars are sitting side by side on the street in Rome. One has a cross in front of him, the other a Star of David. Many people go by, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.

A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar...

My friend, who's star sign was cancer, died very ironically.

He was mauled by a giant crab.

I asked a ninja “Can you show me one of those throwing stars?”

The ninja replied “Shuriken.”

Can a ninja throw a star?

SHUR-HE-CAN

I used to confuse Star Wars with Star Trek.

It was a Wookie mistake.

One of my books just had a four-star review!

The reviewer said "This book is \*\*\*\*"

Why can't crows star in a sitcom?

Everytime more than one is on set it turns into a 'murder' mystery.

Why didn't Luke Skywalker want to visit the Death Star?

Because he didn't want death.

(My 5 year old made this joke up and he was very proud of himself. I told him I'd post it here for cheap and easy karma)

What's a computer's favorite pop star?

A Dell

What did Yoda say when he saw Star Wars in 4k?

>!HD … MI!<

Happy Star Wars Day/Cinco de Mayo

Chewie today, Chuy tomorrow

What's the difference between a pop star and a shooting star?

One's a skinny kid the other is a little meteor.

Black Friday sale on Star Wars Battlefront 2

Save up to $2160 by not buying it

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What does a porn star do to stay calm on set?

Pictures everyone in their underwear.

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porn star.

A male porn star gets home from work, sits down in the chair, his girlfriend says, "you look exhausted,!"

he says, "yes, I've had a hard day at the orifice. "

I was laying in bed last night looking up at the stars in the sky when I thought to myself

Where the hell is my ceiling.

Where do you keep your badge at a Star Trek convention?

On a Lanyard Nimoy

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Have you heard the one about the President and the porn star?

No?

You should really watch something other than Fox News.

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What would you call Mike Tyson if he was a villain in Star Wars?

A Tit Lord

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What’s a porn stars favorite drink?

7up in cider

My belongings are like stars

I never put them in place, but I known where they are.

My wife said she would divorce me if I kept quoting Star Trek.

So I said, "Number Two, make it so!"

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My wife has the body of a porn star...

..which is kind of creepy and takes up a lot of room in the fridge.

My father is a 4-star General in the Army.

Which means he has mostly favourable reviews on TripAdvisor.

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I Was Briefly A Porn Star

I just never made it big.

Why haven't Aliens visited our Solar System yet? ...

They looked at the reviews...
Only 1 star.

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Porn stars are poorer than we think.

When is the last time you saw one able to even afford a pizza?

Did you hear that Disney+ is making a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future where the time machine is half car and half person?

It’s called the Man-DeLorean.

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What would Bill gates's porn star name be?

Microsoft

A man walked into a Star Wars museum

...carrying an old rusted bucket by his side and demanded to know who was in charge.

"What can I help you with today, sir?" asked the confused curator.

"This here is an authentic piece of European history and once belonged to the King of England 1000 years ago."

"But," stutte...

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Guys are now sending dirty pics against a background of the night sky with star trails.

They're calling it schlong exposure photography

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A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked, "Bubba, just what the hell is your secret?"

Bubba replies, "Well Coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it
out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. This numbs it and I can screw
'em forever!"

The coach went home early one day, and went to the bedroom. He heard his wife
in the shower. Seeing a window of oppor...

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn't touch with a ten foot pole.

I just thank my lucky stars I live in Canada.

Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Luke-Warm

[Star Wars spoiler] What did Han....

Tell Leia after they separated?

-----


*May Divorce be with you.*

(from my 9 year old) What is the scariest planet in Star Wars?

Na-BOO!

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What's the name of Greece's most famous porn star?

Testicles.

Star gazing isn’t very fun

I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see

A politician dies...

...and ends up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at him and finds his name in his book.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes. Is there a problem?"

"Oh no, there is no problem. But we have a policy for people in your profession, you have to spend a day each in heaven and he...

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What's the difference between 5 Male porn stars and a joke?

Your mother can't take a joke.

Q. Why does this Star Trek uniform stink?

A. William Shatner

I dont enjoy Andor, but it has nothing to do with Star Wars...

...I'm just not a fan of conjunctions

Chuck Norris plays a very important role in star wars

he's the force.

Have you heard about the new Star Trek Christmas movie?

It’s The Wreath of Khan

My local KFC will be celebrating Star Wars day on May 4th with an Anakin special.

It’s an extra crispy chicken with no legs and only one wing.

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Did you hear about the porn star’s favorite classic novel?

It’s entitled “Catch Her In The Eye.”

I want to find a girlfriend who's into Star Wars

I've been looking for love in Alderaan places.

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How is Star Wars like a penis?

Luke and Leia are force kin.

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How did the male porn star describe the female porn star’s beauty?

He said she had the nicest face he ever came across.

What Star Wars charactor likes orange juice the most?

Emperor Pulpatine

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Why did the porn star lose his job?

Always fucking around for hours and coming at the end of his shift.

I listened to All Star so many times it gave me tinnitus.

Now, my ears start humming and they don't stop humming.

How are false teeth like stars?

They come out at night!

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.

However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

TIL that after starring in 21 Kevin Spacey tried to play Blackjack professionally and lost all of his money.

Kept hitting on 17.

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Did you hear what they said about the thalidomide porn star?

He had an arm like a babies cock

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Boy: Dad how come there are no Jews, Christians or Muslims in Star Trek?

Dad: Cause it's the future son

What do you call a Star Wars themed bubble tea party?

A Boba Fête

What did the star get when it came in last place?

A constellation prize

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well. Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the ma...

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I went to a porn stars reunion yesterday...

It was nice to come across old faces again!

What does Senator Lindsey Graham, Upcoming Game of Thrones Book "Dream of Spring" and Video Game Star Citizen have in common?

None of them are ever coming out!





You're welcome

I went to the doctor and, he said, "Pick a star sign?" Any star sign?

I said, "Capricorn."

He said, "No, you've got Cancer."

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What do you call a clever, socially awkward, bisexual hippie with fancy neckwear who streams Star-Trek?

A shy, wry, bi guy in a fly tie and tie dye watching sci-fi on wifi.

Credits: my bud

My libertarian neighbor posted a newspaper ad selling his collection of Star Trek ships.

And here I thought he believed in free Enterprise.

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A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day

when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaz...

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