A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy roleplaying fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

TIL Texas is called the lone star state

because it was the minimum allowed in a 5 star rating system

3 dirty Star Wars jokes

1) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he finally got inside Princess Leia?

Because it was Luke warm

2) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he was eating Princess Leia?

Because she felt chewy

3) Did Han do the right thing when he confronted Leia about these?

No, that nig...

Why were Star Wars episodes 4,5,6 released before 1,2,3?

Because in charge of planning, Yoda was.

Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger are producing and starring in a period drama about the Great Composers.

Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger are producing and starring in a period drama about the Great Composers.
They all agree that Stallone should play the role of Beethoven, but Willis and Schwarzenegger get into an argument about who should play Chopin.
Stallone suggest they toss a coin to de...

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

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What would Bill gates's porn star name be?

Microsoft

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I had a dream that my favourite Porn star died...

...and l wike up with a mourning wood.

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Male porn stars are some of the most reliable employees.

They’re always working hard.

Dan Schneider is the final boss of Nickelodeon All Star Brawl

As Master Foot.

Who swore the most in star wars?

R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said

Did you hear about the Spanish Star Wars spin-off?

It’s about the chosen Juan.

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Some porn actors are like major Hollywood stars.

They receive backend revenue for their films.

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My wife is an internet porn star

She is going to be pissed when she finds out . . .

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There's a new horror movie out about the evil offspring of adult movie stars.

It's call Children of the Porn.

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What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo

You know Darth Maul from Star Wars?

He's only half the man he used to be.

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

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What do a chef, interrogator, and a porn star all have in common?

They all love to beat it

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The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

In honor of his being the first 90 year old in space, I’m going as the Star Trek Cleveland Steamer for Halloween

Just as soon as I perfect my William Shatner chest costume.

What kind of car does a Star Wars memorabilia collector drive?

a Toy-Yoda

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Last night I was lying in my room and gazing up at the stars...

Then I thought... Where the fuck is my roof?

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My translation of a foreign joke:

A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put it on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, p...

How do stars die?

They usually overdose

A couple is having a marriage counseling session.

The husband said “my wife keeps referencing star wars! I cant take it anymore!” And storms out of the room.

The wife replied “divorce is strong with this one.”

The star football player was missing his academic requirements

He was the best player they'd seen in years, but unfortunately, shared an IQ with his helmet. Regulations required that the player be benched until he brought his grades back up.

The coach, wanting to win their first season in decades, pled to allow the player to finish the season. It was fin...

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I feel bad for porn stars…

They don’t get AC, only fans

Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Luke-Warm

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What does Star Trek and toilet paper have in common?

They both circle Uranus looking for Klingons.

My friend asked me if the next Star Wars movies were going to be in 3D

"Yes" I replied "...but they R2D2."

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Ladies, if he's willing to give you the Moon and the Stars....

You should be able to sacrifice Uranus.

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My porn star girlfriend is on this new diet.

She eats loads.

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

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A porn star got hit by a bus.

The bus driver must have never seen her coming.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip. After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "...

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

Stand up Comedy on Star Trek

Yo mamma so fat… she tried to use the teleporter, but it ran out of atoms before she made it to the other side

The creator of Star Trek was renowned for emptying his bowels in obscure places.

He would boldly go where no man had gone before.

I went to the doctor and, he said, "Pick a star sign?" Any star sign?

I said, "Capricorn."

He said, "No, you've got Cancer."

What happens when a star has too much gas?

It gets constellation.

(Maybe it should loosen it's Orion's belt)

Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars?

Me: well of course I know him, he is me

A farmhand loses both his farm and his hand after getting into a fight with his dad over politics...

...would be a really bad but accurate way to describe the plot of Star Wars.

I tried asking girls out at a Star Wars convention

I've been looking for love in Alderaan places.

Help Requested

A man walks into a sperm bank and declares, "I'm a star athlete, and have an I.Q. of 165, and I'd like to make a donation." The nurse gives him a sealed cup and directs him to a private room.

Twenty minutes later, the man hasn't come out, the nurse knocks on the door. "Is there a problem?" Th...

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The Man, The Myth, the Legend: Frank Feldman!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you nee...

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I looked up at Canus Major and a star told me "I'm the brightest star in the sky!"

And I said "You can't be Sirius!"

Why do Star Wars Jedi absolutely hate having to open PDF files ?

Because attachments are forbidden.

If someone on a first date tells me their hobbies include drawing the flag of China without the stars I think to myself...

that's a big red flag!

What star sign are you?

"I'm a contrarian."

"That's not a star sign."

"YES IT IS!"

My wife loves Star Wars...

so last night we watched all the Mandalorian, back to back!

Luckily, I was the one facing the TV...

I got mugged in a dark alley by K-pop stars

Now I have BTSD

Everyone knows about Darth Vader, but very few people talk about his wife.

Ella wasn’t great at conquering planets but she did make it easier to navigate the Death Star.

Orion's belt is a big waist of space.

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

Can A Ninja Throw Stars?

Sure He Can!

The biggest tragedy in Star Wars is their lack of information on one of their greatest unsung heroes.

I mean, he brought the Rebels the plans for the second Death Star before he died, but that is all we know about Manny Bothans.

What do you call a star wars bounty hunter who loves tropical fruit ?

Mango Fett.

TIL the next Star Wars movie will debut a new droid with a comically-short attention span.

Its name is 80-HD

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.

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There's a Hispanic porn star who has two penises, each of a different size. The larger one he calls Jose...

The smaller one he calls Hose B.

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

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I went to a porn stars reunion yesterday...

It was nice to come across old faces again!

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My girlfriend said she was looking at ninja stars online. I told her to stop being racist.

They're just called Japanese actors.

Why have aliens never visited our solar system?

We’ve only got one star!

Justin Timberlake to star in Dark Crystal reboot

Working title: "Bringing Skeksis Back"

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

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What do an ambulance and a porn star have in common?

They’re both really loud when they come.

A long-time rabbi has always wanted to try pork, but never seemed to find an print to do so.

One day, he finally gets a chance by boarding a plane and traveling first class to a 5- star restaurant in Florida that offers the best pork the world's had to offer.
The rabbi gets to the restaurant, orders his food, and minutes later, the waist brings out a perfect golden swine, cooked to perf...

For the Star Wars Lovers

Obi-Wan: Why did the movies come out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9?

Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was.

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My wife and I stopped by the optician's to pick up my new glasses.

Once the optician finished he minor adjustments, my wife looked up at me and said, "Wow, you look amazing! Like Clark Kent!" It made me smile...

We had other errands to run, and the compliments just kept coming; "You look like a movie star! So sexy!" Man, I felt great. In fact this kept up f...

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What do porn stars do for a living?

Nothing, they just fuck around

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What’s the difference between a stuntman and a porn star?

One has cunning stunts the other has a ....

In church I heard an old lady saying a prayer

It was so sweet and sincere that I just had to share with you:-
"Dear Lord,
This has been a tough couple of years.
You have taken my favourite actor Patrick Swayze.
My favourite pop singer Michael Jackson.
My favourite Blues artist BB King.
My favourite actress Elizabeth Taylor....

My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die

"Usually an overdose", I said

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward...

I was going to make a Star Wars joke today...

But I didn't want to fourth it.

(from my 9 year old) What is the scariest planet in Star Wars?

Na-BOO!

Bad VR star wars joke

So there's a guy playing at VR game his friend walks into the room and sees him swinging his hands around like he's swinging a lightsaber and he assumes he's playing beat saber and judging from the height of his swings there are a lot of low blocks his friend taps hin on the shoulder and says hey ca...

New Zelda game, starring just the princess, that ties all the story lines together...

"The Missing Link"

Today I pulled a key off my keyboard [long]

Today I pulled one of the CTRL keys from my keyboard and was shocked to find myself looking down at the entire universe: stars planets, black holes, the whole thing was right there beneath my keyboard.

I was so shocked I called a friend in to show her. After five minutes of gazing into total...

An engineering student, a geometry major, and a star basketball player are trapped on a desert island

They’re debating how to get off the island or get rescued. The engineering student looks around and sees only a few palm trees and some coconuts.

“We need to cut down the trees and make a raft to sail away on.” He says and starts designing.

“We need a basketball to pass the time.” Th...

Party games are so different in the Star Wars galaxy...

For example on Earth you bob for apples, but on Tatooine you Bib Fortuna.

The Captain's Drink

Captain Hook, Captain Crunch, and Captain America walk into a bar.
Hook says, "Ahoy mates, I'll buy the first round. Just let me go to the bathroom real quick."
The others wait and when Hook comes back Captain America asks, "Hey Hook, how bout those drinks?"
Hook yells, "Shove it up yer sta...

Star Wars names are just regular words if you put a random space somewhere:

Mos Quito

Que Sadilla

Scu Bagear

Syn Tax

Rev Erse

Mala Mute

Trypto Phan

Cano Nical

Impo Tent

Slee Papnea

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

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I can never tell if an old porn star is retired...(NSFW)

Or if they just quit their fucking job.

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The Hypnotist at a Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' center. After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all...

Liam Neeson will star in a new thriller where he rescues the wrong woman

the film will be titled "Mistaken"

My astronomy professor told me

I was his star pupil.

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Why can't the star of Dirty Jobs get a girlfriend?

He has a Mike Rowe penis.

If you celebrate Star Wars Day too hard tonight...

watch out for the revenge of the fifth.

Did you guys hear the next King Kong movie will star Lady Kong?

Apparently it'll be a rom-kong

Have you guys heard about the new film adaptation of Poe's "The Tell-Tale Heart?"

It's rumored to star Beneathio del Flooro.

Reviews are in for the Chinese flag.

It's got five stars.

Boy: your teeth are like stars

GIRL: Aww.. thanks are they that much pretty?


Boy: no, far away from each other

The Master Chef

A master chef brags to another man that he has at long last created the perfect dish. A dish so delicious that no man alive could resist it culinary divinity.

The man asks how such a dish is possible.

The chef responds that the secret is his artfully crafted blend of herbs and spices t...

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What's the difference between an accountant and a porn star?

An accountant usually has a father figure

I reported my discovery of a new Dwarf Star to the Astronomy Society, so they let me name it.

I am gonna call it Peter Twinklage.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

Jonathon Ross forgot to record the new Star Wars film...

What a wookie mistake

My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I'm leaving you."

"May divorce be with you!!" I replied.

Someone has spray painted a swastika on Donald Trump's star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The police are still trying to figure out if it was a supporter or an opponent.

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Favourite porn movie parodies…

I’ll start, let’s see what list we can create…

Shaving Ryan’s Privates

Schindler’s Fist

Willy Bonk Her in the Chocolate Factory

Pulp Friction

Evil Head

Honey, I blew everybody

Inspect Her Gadget

Missionary Impossible

Saturday Night Beave...

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A Neutron Star wanders near a Black Hole...

Neutron Star: Hey, imma just pass by real quick."

Black Hole: \*Laughs\* You dense motherfucker.

The Exorcist star Linda Blair turns 62 today and still looks amazing

She is still turning heads.

(Heard this one on the radio this morning.)

I'm in bed, looking up at the stars and think to myself...

"Where the hell did my ceiling go?"

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Two beggars

It is Easter Sunday in front of Saint Sophia’s Cathedral in Constantinople sometime during the Crusades.

Two beggars are sitting in front of the cathedral.

One is wearing a tattered suit of armor and is covered in bandages. In front of him is a sign: “Give Alms to a poor Crusader who ...

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As male porn stars age they learn one thing...

You’re either working hard, or you’re hardly working.

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it...

... and he'll have to touch to be sure.

Who played Anakin Skywalker in the Star Wars prequels?

Emperor Palpatine

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