UPJOKE
sungalaxyred giantneutron starwhite dwarfsupernovamilky waysuperstarhydrogenradiationnovachemical elementheliumconstellationred dwarf

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My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom

The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The night f...

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How do porn stars make a living?

Income.

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

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What's a porn star's favorite drink?

7 up in cider.

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Did you hear about the porn star’s favorite classic novel?

It’s entitled “Catch Her In The Eye.”

One of my books just had a four-star review!

The reviewer said "This book is \*\*\*\*"

A man walked into a Star Wars museum

...carrying an old rusted bucket by his side and demanded to know who was in charge.

"What can I help you with today, sir?" asked the confused curator.

"This here is an authentic piece of European history and once belonged to the King of England 1000 years ago."

"But," stutte...

My friend hates it when he sees the Star of David everywhere, but he claims he's not racist

Just anti-semiotic

I entered a raffle to win a galaxy, but I only won a small group of stars.

It was the constellation prize.

What Star Wars character likes orange juice the most?

Emperor Pulpatine

Hey, did you hear about the Star Wars fanatic who's been stealing autograph books and photo albums from other fans at conventions?

They call him the fan-tome menace.

Arnold Schwarzenegger announced today that he'll be starring in a new movie about a 18th century composer

When asked about it it, Mr Schwarzenegger said "I'll be Bach"

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Did you hear what they said about the thalidomide porn star?

He had an arm like a babies cock

How are false teeth like stars?

They come out at night!

French Star Wars fans have something to look forward to every week....

Each Thursday is the Return of the Jeudi.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
.
.

We only have one star.

The Star Wars Surprise

A man went to a space-themed diner for lunch. Looking over the menu, he spotted the weekly special, the Star Wars Surprise. It was nearly twice as expensive as most other items, but promised an experience you wouldn't forget.

Curiosity getting the better of him, the man ordered the special. H...

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What's the name of Greece's most famous porn star?

Testicles.

My son Luke loves that I named my children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.

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A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says "piano player wanted"

He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he'd like to apply for the job. The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he's got. The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard. He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.

Deeply moved, the manag...

Texas is the Lone Star state.

Of course, that’s out of a possible 5 stars.

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Male Porn star.

How can you tell a male porn star at a petrol station.?

He pulls the nozzle out just before the tank is full and sprays the last bit over the windscreen and bonnet.

Sherlock and his friend Watson go camping

They pitch up their tent and fall asleep. A few hours later, they both wake up.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.

"I see millions and millions of stars, my dear Holmes."

Holmes: "Tell me what that means Watson."

Watson: "Astronomically speaking,...

What do you call a Star Wars droid that takes the long way around?

R2 Detour.

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Did you hear about the porn star who did bondage movies?

She was strapped for cash.

A young Irish girl goes to confession...

...and says, “Bless me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest replies, “Go ahead, my child.”

“Well”, she says, “Last night I made love to me boyfriend... FIVE TIMES! And it was GLORIOUS, Father. He made me tingle all over, and I swear it was as though I was seein’ the stars in my passio...

Al Pacino is to star in a new movie about a man who wins the World Knitting Championships...

Its called 'Scarf Ace'.

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An American and a Russian die and go to Hell... (Long)

They are met at the gates by Satan, who offers them a choice: They can either go to American Hell or Russian Hell.

Both new arrivals are curious as to what the difference is, so Satan explains that in American Hell you are free to do whatever you want; you'll find that we have all the finest...

LPT: When you wish on a star, often your wish will come true.

Usually because the star doesn't want the paparazzi to find out. Just name your price, and let them go back on stage, already!

My wife thinks it’s weird that I Star through the window every time it rains or snows

Maybe one day she’ll let me in

A guy I met told me he identifies as the brightest star in the night sky…

I said- “Are you Sirius?”

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy roleplaying fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

I saw a Star wars action figure in a Corolla today

It was a toy Yoda in a Toyota

For Star Trek fans. A Romulan man, a Ferengi businessman, a ravishing Human woman and a homely Bajoran are sharing a compartment on an old train as it makes its way through the mountains.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Ferengi is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The Bajoran thinks "I bet that dirty...

What's the difference between a pop star and a shooting star?

One's a skinny kid the other is a little meteor.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky, and I thought to myself:

Where the heck did the ceiling go?

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I Was Briefly A Porn Star

I just never made it big.

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Why did the porn star lose his job?

Always fucking around for hours and coming at the end of his shift.

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

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My son (who is into astronomy) asked me “How do stars die?”

I said "well some marry the wrong people, and others slap the shit out of each other."

My wife asked me if she looked fat in her new dress.

I told her: "You look like a beautiful shining star"
She replied: "Awhh..."

But then I added: "A neutron star" and she slapped me.
I was hoping she was too dense to understand the joke.

Why didn't Leia email Obi-Wan the Death-Star Plans?

The Jedi Code forbids attachments.

A man buys a robot that slaps people when they tell a lie.

He decides to test it on his family at dinner that night.

The man asked his son, "Son, what did you do after school today?"

The son replied, "Oh, I just did some homework" and the robot slapped the son.

The son said, "Okay I actually watched a movie with my friends".

The ...

How did Samuel L Jackson die in star wars?

He fell out of the Windu

Me to a ninja: Hey, can you show me how you precisely cut off tree branches with those throwing stars?

“Shuriken.”

(Came up with this ex nihilo, please like)

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My girlfriend said my dick reminded her of a star. I asked, "Because it's hot and brightens your day?"

She replied, "No, because it's a white dwarf."

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Can we start using "stars" as a unit of measurement, instead of inches?

It sounds way better to tell the ladies I have a 5 star penis

*INCOMING STAR WARS JOKE* So my uncle got a job circumcising Bantha’s…

He said the pay was OK but the tips were huge.

Good old Bill

A man walked out into the street and managed to get a taxi just going by. What luck, he thought, as he slid into the cab.Perfect timing,the cabby said. You're just like Bill. Who? Bill Smith. There's a guy who did everything right, the cabby said. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It woul...

Why are shooting stars so fast? (x-post from /dadjokes)

They’re traveling light.

A Dark One

So this guy volunteers at a childrens cancer ward, he made friends with a boy named Timmy, they talked about star wars, watched marvel movies, played checkers, traded baseball cards. One day, little Timmy asks the guy "Hey mister, when I get out of this place, will you still come visit me?", the guy...

Prince Andrew is to star as the villain in a new episode of Scooby Doo

He would have gotten away with it too if he hadn’t have been meddling with those kids

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Ladies...If a man is willing to give you the Moon and the Stars....

You should be willing to sacrifice Uranus.

Q. Why does this Star Trek uniform stink?

A. William Shatner

Matt Damon is to star in a new movie about a man who has accepted Jesus as his Savior or Redeemer.

The Bourne Again Christian

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Porn stars may not have the easiest job…

But porn watchers definitely have the hardest.

I want to find a girlfriend who's into Star Wars

I've been looking for love in Alderaan places.

3 dirty Star Wars jokes

1) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he finally got inside Princess Leia?

Because it was Luke warm

2) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he was eating Princess Leia?

Because she felt chewy

3) Did Han do the right thing when he confronted Leia about these?

No, that nig...

Who swore the most in star wars?

R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said

TIL Texas is called the lone star state

because it was the minimum allowed in a 5 star rating system

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[Long] An ex-CIA operative named Arti had a younger sister always getting into mischief...

Arti's sister was beautiful, you see. She would use her looks to get things she wanted, but when she got in over her head, she'd always fall back on big brother Arti's special set of skills to help her out. And since he retired early (after becoming partially disabled saving the President's life fro...

The new Itit a speaker breast implant.

It will finally solve the problem of men starring at women's breast and not listening to them.

Aliens don't want to meet us.

They've looked at the reviews…



only 1 star!

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”

The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”

The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know h...

A Frenchman came to Texas

A Frenchman came to Texas to visit an old friend. The Texan picked him up in his gigantic Cadillac with longhorns mounted on the hood. Knowing that his friend must be hungry and thirsty after the long flight, he stopped at a bar and grill on the way. They walked in and took a seat at the bar and the...

Why did the ussr collapse?

Look at the flag, they gave themself a one star rating..

Did you know Mr. T is a big Star Wars fan?

So much so that he named his kid Boba.

Everyone talks about the little Spanish flea, a record star he thought he'd be, but nobody talks about his cousin, the little Spanish tick.

He was a massive freaking prick.

Old army joke

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. He calls the previous commander up, now a maj...

Why was there a Covid-19 outbreak on the Death Star?

'Cos the Stormtroopers missed their shots.

An army general needs some change

An Army general is standing before a vending machine on base, finding himself short on cash for a cold drink. He sees a nearby soldier and asks him, "Do you have any spare change?" The soldier replies, "Sure thing, man, I got a couple of quarters," and digs into his pocket.

The general narrow...

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

Everything's Big in Texas

A Texan goes to a bar and buys everyone a round of drinks, exclaiming that his wife has just given birth to their first child "a Texas sized" baby boy weighing 24 pounds.

Congrats came from all over the bar and folks saying "Wow"

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bart...

A teen drama movie is kinda like the jewish flag

It’s nothing without a huge star

My grandpa always said "Shoot for the stars"...

...too bad he's in jail now for trying to shoot Justin Bieber

A college football coach…

A COLLEGE-FOOTBALL COACH was
faced with the possibility that his star
player might be declared academically
ineligible, so he pleaded with the math
professor not to Aunk the kid.

"Tell you what, coach,”
said the professor, "I'll ask him a question in your presence. If he gets i...

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How can you tell the difference between a porn star and a programmer?

The way they pronounce 'analyze'

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porn star.

A male porn star gets home from work, sits down in the chair, his girlfriend says, "you look exhausted,!"

he says, "yes, I've had a hard day at the orifice. "

I used to confuse Star Wars with Star Trek.

It was a Wookie mistake.

Why don't Star Wars characters go to church?

They're scared of the *pews*

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What would Bill gates's porn star name be?

Microsoft

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What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo

According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star You’re actually a few million years late.

That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

A large man in dirty, tattered clothes walked into a five-star restaurant.

The maitre d tries to firmly reject him from the restaurant, but the man glares at him and growls "Oh, you're not going to let me eat? My father used to have people refuse to serve him, and if you don't let me in I'm going to have to do what he did when that happened".

The matre d fearfully s...

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best fr...

A country music star and a renown chemist fell in love, got married, and quickly became pregnant with triplets. When the three girls were born, the happy parents decided to name them...

Jolyne, Jolene, and Jolane

Three Guys Are Waiting in Line at The Pearly Gates...

Saint Peter calls the first guy up. He looks over the man's life history and says, "It looks here, like you lived a decent life. You never cheated on your wife... but you thought about it. A lot. Seems you probably would have, if given the chance. You can go on in, and here are the keys to your...

Two beggars were sitting side by side in front of the Love Fountain in Rome, Italy.

One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David. Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the box of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope came to the area. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar wh...

I went into a pet shop and asked to buy a goldfish

The guy asked if I want an aquarium. I told him I don't care what the star sign is

What's the difference between a Cardassian and a Kardashian?

One is a vicious, opportunistic race, bent on subjugation and domination through whatever insidious and ethically-questionable means they have at hand.

The other is a fictional race from Star Trek.

There were two beggars...........

There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street. One of them had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large Star of David, while the other had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large cross.

A man stopped to watch them. He noticed that most people would just pass by the be...

"I looked up into the sky and matched each star with a reason why I love you."

"That's so sweet."

"Not particularly. It was a cloudy day."

Disney / Star Wars crossovers suck.

I just watched the most boring crossover ever.

Nothing even happens in Han Solo's "Frozen in Carbonite"

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How many porn stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, but the lightbulb has to be very big.

A singing teacher told her eager student 'You should have taken up singing earlier'. The student asks 'Why? Do you think the extra practice would make me a star?'

'No' replies the teacher 'but you would have given up by now'

A Star Wars Christmas

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die

"Usually an overdose", I said

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What do astronomers and queer-friendly Hollywood studios have in common?

They like to star gays.

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Cedric decided to be a pimp.

Cedric and his wife were short on cash so he decided to pimp out his wife. He dressed her up and put her out at a street corner. Then he parked a block away.

Soon a John pulled up and asked her, “How much?”
The wife replied, “$20 for a blowie.”

The John pulled o...

Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars?

Me: well of course I know him, he is me

My friends and I went drinking last weekend

This wasn't casual drinking, we got absolutely wasted. I still have a little bit of a headache from the hangover. I don't remember a lot from the night, but I do remember multiple dares, and a bet about who could drink the most without blacking out. I don't remember what placement I got, but I do kn...

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

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The tourist and the French girl

An American tourist visited a 5-star hotel in Paris.
As he sat at the bar, enjoying his drink, a red hot French girl in a red dress, came to him and said something in French, which he wasn't able to understand.
Unable to get over her heavenly body mixed with the heady aroma of her French perfu...

Sure, the Death Star was expensive.

But Vader's suit cost him an arm and a leg.

What did the optometrist prescribe the star?

Sun Glasses - I'll show myself out

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If you should be scared of anyone it's porn stars...

Trust me, they're cumming for you

Did you hear about the Spanish Star Wars spin-off?

It’s about the chosen Juan.

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Three devout Italian nuns passed away…

Alt the gate, St Peter said they could come in - but as a reward for having led absolutely blameless lives, he would allow them all to return to Earth in the body of anyone, living or dead, at any time of their lives, for 6 months.

The first thought a bit, and said she would like to be Sophia...

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

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What do Jesus Christ and Male Porn-stars have in common?

They both take their sweet time before the second coming.

I've just built two flatpack models of Motown stars That I bought from a certain Swedish Store



Ikea?

Yes and that's Tina over there.

Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Luke-Warm

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What do a chef, interrogator, and a porn star all have in common?

They all love to beat it

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

You know Darth Maul from Star Wars?

He's only half the man he used to be.

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Why do you think we are here?

John, Paul, and Bill sit around a campfire.

John turns to Paul, and asks him "Why do you think we are here?"

Paul says "Man, I wonder that all the time. Some people think we exist on Earth in purgatory. We suffer here through the trials and tribulations of life in order to determine if...

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My girlfriend is a porn star. –

She will kill me if she finds out.

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