A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

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What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo

Who swore the most in star wars?

R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said

Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Luke-Warm

My friend asked me if the next Star Wars movies were going to be in 3D

"Yes" I replied "...but they R2D2."

I tried asking girls out at a Star Wars convention

I've been looking for love in Alderaan places.

Why do Star Wars Jedi absolutely hate having to open PDF files ?

Because attachments are forbidden.

What do you call a star wars bounty hunter who loves tropical fruit ?

Mango Fett.

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There's a Hispanic porn star who has two penises, each of a different size. The larger one he calls Jose...

The smaller one he calls Hose B.

Can A Ninja Throw Stars?

Sure He Can!

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

For the Star Wars Lovers

Obi-Wan: Why did the movies come out 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9?

Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was.

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What do an ambulance and a porn star have in common?

They’re both really loud when they come.

Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars?

Me: well of course I know him, he is me

Bad VR star wars joke

So there's a guy playing at VR game his friend walks into the room and sees him swinging his hands around like he's swinging a lightsaber and he assumes he's playing beat saber and judging from the height of his swings there are a lot of low blocks his friend taps hin on the shoulder and says hey ca...

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My girlfriend said she was looking at ninja stars online. I told her to stop being racist.

They're just called Japanese actors.

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

"Usually an overdose, son," I told him.

I was going to make a Star Wars joke today...

But I didn't want to fourth it.

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Ladies, if he's willing to give you the Moon and the Stars....

The least you can do is sacrifice Uranus.

An engineering student, a geometry major, and a star basketball player are trapped on a desert island

They’re debating how to get off the island or get rescued. The engineering student looks around and sees only a few palm trees and some coconuts.

“We need to cut down the trees and make a raft to sail away on.” He says and starts designing.

“We need a basketball to pass the time.” Th...

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What do porn stars do for a living?

Nothing, they just fuck around

Party games are so different in the Star Wars galaxy...

For example on Earth you bob for apples, but on Tatooine you Bib Fortuna.

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I finally persuaded my frigid wife to make a sex-tape last month, and now she thinks we could make a living as porn stars.

Although so far, we've had no pre-orders for Disinterested Blowjobs 2.

If you celebrate Star Wars Day too hard tonight...

watch out for the revenge of the fifth.

Lets face it English is a stupid language There is no egg in the eggplant No ham in the hamburger And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England

French Fries Were Not Invented In France.

We Sometimes Take English For Granted

But If We Examine Its Paradoxes We Find That:

Quicksand Takes You Down Slowly

Boxing Rings Are Square

And A Guinea Pig Is Neither From Guinea Nor Is It A Pig.

If Writers Write, H...

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil again. The ...

Did you guys hear the next King Kong movie will star Lady Kong?

Apparently it'll be a rom-kong

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What’s the difference between a stuntman and a porn star?

One has cunning stunts the other has a ....

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Why can't the star of Dirty Jobs get a girlfriend?

He has a Mike Rowe penis.

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What's the difference between an accountant and a porn star?

An accountant usually has a father figure

I reported my discovery of a new Dwarf Star to the Astronomy Society, so they let me name it.

I am gonna call it Peter Twinklage.

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I went to a porn stars reunion yesterday...

It was nice to come across old faces again!

Jonathon Ross forgot to record the new Star Wars film...

What a wookie mistake

New Zelda game, starring just the princess, that ties all the story lines together...

"The Missing Link"

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How do porn stars organize their day

They make to-do lists

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As male porn stars age they learn one thing...

You’re either working hard, or you’re hardly working.

Liam Neeson will star in a new thriller where he rescues the wrong woman

the film will be titled "Mistaken"

A corporal needed to use the pay phone but didn't have change.

He saw a private mopping the floor nearby and asked, "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?" The private replied, "Sure, hang on." The corporal gave him an icy stare and yelled, "That's no way to address your superior! Straighten up and let's try that again! Private, do you have change for a dol...

My girlfriend left me because I’m a big Star Wars fan

Looks like tonight I’ll be Han Solo.

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Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking...

Where the fuck is my roof?

(from my 9 year old) What is the scariest planet in Star Wars?

Na-BOO!

Boy: your teeth are like stars

GIRL: Aww.. thanks are they that much pretty?


Boy: no, far away from each other

Went to an 80s fancy dress party once, my wife didn’t want me to go as a pop star.

But I was adamant.

Why are Star Wars movies released in the order of 456, 123, 789?

Released by Yoda they were

Tell a man there are 300 Billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it...

... and he'll have to touch to be sure.

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What happened to the porn star who was admitted into the emergency room?

He went into stepsis.

Star Wars names are just regular words if you put a random space somewhere:

Mos Quito

Que Sadilla

Scu Bagear

Syn Tax

Rev Erse

Mala Mute

Trypto Phan

Cano Nical

Impo Tent

Slee Papnea

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff

It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother

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A Neutron Star wanders near a Black Hole...

Neutron Star: Hey, imma just pass by real quick."

Black Hole: \*Laughs\* You dense motherfucker.

The Exorcist star Linda Blair turns 62 today and still looks amazing

She is still turning heads.

(Heard this one on the radio this morning.)

To Boldly Go...

“My friend had a disastrous date last night... apparently the guy was into giving golden showers. He was a big actor, too, one of the Star Trek guys.”

“Shatner??”

“No, I think she left before he could get to that.”

Team LeBron beat team Durant in the NBA All Star game last night.

Immediately after the game Kevin Durant announced he is signing with Team LeBron.

Thought this up while driving behind a car with a Star Wars Rebel sticker on it.

What is the favorite type of weather of Stormtroopers?

Mist

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I can never tell if an old porn star is retired...(NSFW)

Or if they just quit their fucking job.

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward...

An archaeologist was in Jerusalem when he discovered a slab of rock with five figures on it: the Star of David, an ox, a shovel, an owl, and a woman.

"This is really fascinating," said the archaeologist. "This tells me a lot about ancient Hebrew culture. The Star of David tells me, of course, that they were a very religious people. The ox tells me that they used domesticated animals, such as oxen, to plow the fields. The shovel tells me that they...

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My girlfriend is a porn star. –

She will kill me if she finds out.

Have you guys heard about this remake of the old Jim Carrey/Renee Zellwegger movie, but starring mumble rappers?

It's called "Me, Myself, and My lean."

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

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I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Babes, **Jabba the Hutt** is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

Someone has spray painted a swastika on Donald Trump's star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The police are still trying to figure out if it was a supporter or an opponent.

My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I'm leaving you."

"May divorce be with you!!" I replied.

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

A general, an officer, an old lady, and an attractive young woman all board a train together.

As they ride along they go in a dark tunnel and can't see anything. Suddenly, they hear a quick smooch followed by a loud smack!

The old lady thinks, "that young girl has some fine morals, smacking a man for trying to steal a kiss."

The young woman thinks, "how odd, the general tried t...

Most Star Trek fans aren't big into poetry, so I knew that writing and publishing a book of Trek-themed poems would be risky but rewarding.

The project had its prose and Khans.

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What is a porn star’s favorite horror movie?

Night Of The Giving Head

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die

"Usually an overdose", I said

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What does star trek and toilet paper have in common

They both circle Uranus looking for klingons

A silent film star died today.

He had no final words.

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What is a porn star's favourite Christmas tradition?

Kissing underneath the camel toe

Elsa from Frozen is now an adult film actress starring in

Let it grow

Can a ninja really wield a star?

Shuriken

Joke I just thought up: What did the orphan say to the Star Trek fan thinking of adopting?

Bring me up, Scotty!

My son Luke loves the fact he's named after a Star Wars character

My daughter Chewbacca, not so much

What do Star Lord and a burnt rodent have in common?

Crisp Rat.

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson were having a conversation.

Sherlock turned to Watson. "Observe the stars above us and the grass below us, what can you deduce? You know my methods."

Watson thought carefully. "From the position of the stars, i can deduce our approximate location, as well as the month. The grass is moist, so it has obviously rained rece...

Logic and Legality

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on "Logic and Legality" to his first year students.

However, one of his students was not particularly happy that day, as he had just received his results and was shocked that his professor had failed him.

After sitting ...

I'm in bed, looking up at the stars and think to myself...

"Where the hell did my ceiling go?"

Who's the fruitiest character in Star Wars?

The Mangolorian.

(Made up for an eight year old)

Who played Anakin Skywalker in the Star Wars prequels?

Emperor Palpatine

Here's an old one. Who curses the most in Star Wars?

R2-D2, everything he says is bleeped out.

A quarterback was being interviewed only moments before the start of the game. The reporter had 3 quick questions: "Your favorite pizza? Your favorite Star Wars character? Your favorite non-football activity?"

His answers were just as brief:

"Hut, Hutt, Hike!"

I'm starring in a new theater production about puns

It's a play on words

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What do you call a lactose intolerant porn star?

Non-dairy creamer

Doc Brown goes for a new paint-job on his car, and decides to go that extra step and theme the vehicle after Star Wars

Whenever people see it they say, "Man, DeLorean!"

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?

They checked the reviews... but we only had one star

Did you hear about that crook that was stealing guitars from classic rock stars?

He was locked up for Petty thievery.

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The Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert.

After they got their tent set up, both men fell asleep.

A few hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger.

"Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what do you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies "I see a beautiful clear sky with millions of stars".

"What does that tell you?" Asked Tonto....

I’ve been watching the Star Wars movies, and I realized something

It’s not that big of a shock that Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father.


I mean, they have the same no’s.

Jimmy Carr was once on Top Gear, and was (for a time) the fastest star in a reasonably priced car.

Which is ironic, because that is what all the hookers in L.A. called him, too.

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Did you hear about the porn star who wanted to do a scene with all five members of Aerosmith?

They gave it a try, but they could only get Foreigner

(OC) Arthur C Clarke was watching Star Wars with his family when he began ranting and raving.

“What is this film?” He snarled. “All they do is lay lands, tap them to produce mana and use that mana to summon creatures and cast devastating spells. I was expecting a space romp.”

“Arthur, come now,” his wife said, “that’s not what this film is about at all!”

“Ignorant woman,” he re...

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

Why do Rock Stars wear mascara?

200% more volume.

What's the brightest star in the night sky?

Sirius replies only.

For my cake day this year I want to share the love I have of Star Wars and dad jokes so here is one of my favorites: Where did Luke get this cybernetic hand from?

The second hand store.

An expert in Greek mythology walks into a bar...

Then he suddenly sees stars spinning around to form shapes, and he feels as if he’s been struck by Zeus’s lightning. Then, while collapsed on the ground, he sees Zeus himself staring down at him. A day later, he wakes up in a hospital bed to see a doctor looking at him.

“Why did that happen...

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Turn around (Found my 18 year old diary. This is what I wrote in it)

What do you get when you turn wolf around?

Flow.

What do you get when you turn star around?

Rats.

What do you get when you turn shit around?

Dirty hands.

What did the ninja say when asked if he can kill a man with ninja stars?

Shuriken

Why was the blond starring so hard at the orange juice?

It said concentrate.

What do you call a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future.

The Man Delorean

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During the late thirties the Nazi party hosted a friendly soccer game versus England. The Nazi's star goalkeeper was Hans Bratvender.

Late in the game Hans, overcome with Nationalist pride, turned to face the Chancellor's private box, stood to attention and gave a Nazi salute.

At that moment, the English forward kicked from outside the goal crease, and scored what would be the winning goal.

When asked later to explai...

I opened an egg restaurant that only serves the best eggs.

It's getting a lot of 1 star reviews despite us barely getting any customers though so if you're in the Bay area, checkout "Whites only" and help us out!

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Why, what, who?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does...

Why are stars and galaxies spread throughout the universe?

Kosmosis.

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

Who's the only soldier who doesn't have to give a salute to a 4-star general as he passes, and can give an order to that general and be absolutely certain that it will be carried out immediately?

A bomb tech specialist at a dead run.

How do two stars communicate?

They make light conversation...

I’ll see myself out...er space.

(If it’s been done before, sorry; I literally just thought of it, lol.)

What pop star has huge nipples?

Areola Grande

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What's the difference between a porn star and a mosquito?

One stops sucking when you smack it

So I'm reading a book about a movie star that was born a woman but then comes out as identifying as male, but no one gets upset or judgemental about it, they just accept it and get on with their lives. It's a good book...

It's a real page turner

There should be an urban fishing show that stars released convicts,

and it should be called "Off the Hook".

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What is a porn stars favourite drink?

7-up in cider

Why is vodka so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe?

Because only Siths deal in Absolut.

Why is Texas called the Lone Star State?

Because that's the highest rating it could get

What did the windmill say to the pop star?

“I’m a huge fan”

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NSFW. How do tell the difference between a porn star and a statistician?

Get them to pronounce "analyzed".

OC. This is my take on the joke about how the chemist and the plumber pronounce "unionized"

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How does a porn star call in sick?

"Sorry, I can't come tonight."

Why are movie stars so cool?

They have a lot of fans.

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A man brings home a X-Mas tree...

"Oh boy, this place looks amaaaazing! It is cozy and warm, so much better than the forest in which I grew up! What are those? kids? I love kids! and they are giving me clothes! Those balls are a bit heavy but they make for some really pretty earings. And those scarfs are so lustruous I wanna cry. Th...

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Why do religious people and porn stars kneel ?

Porn stars wait for the first cumming and religious people wait for the second cumming

Apparently there’s a battle for the rights to Star Wars aftershave.

It’s “The Cologne Wars.”

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