UPJOKE
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Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the order 4 5 6 1 2 3

In charge of the sequence, Yoda was.

What Star Wars charactor likes orange juice the most?

Emperor Pulpatine

Al Pacino is to star in a new movie about a man who wins the World Knitting Championships...

Its called 'Scarf Ace'.

I saw a Star wars action figure in a Corolla today

It was a toy Yoda in a Toyota

A guy I met told me he identifies as the brightest star in the night sky…

I said- “Are you Sirius?”

My son Luke loves that I named my children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.

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A man walks by a 5 star restaurant and sees a sign on the window that says "piano player wanted"

He asks to speak to the manager, who he then tells he'd like to apply for the job. The manager brings him over to the piano to see what he's got. The man plays the most beautiful piece the manager has ever heard. He pulls out his handkerchief to wipe away a few tears.

Deeply moved, the manag...

Texas is the Lone Star state.

Of course, that’s out of a possible 5 stars.

For Star Trek fans. A Romulan man, a Ferengi businessman, a ravishing Human woman and a homely Bajoran are sharing a compartment on an old train as it makes its way through the mountains.

Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard and as the train passes back into daylight, the Ferengi is rubbing his sore, red cheek.

The Bajoran thinks "I bet that dirty...

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I asked my girlfriend to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy roleplaying fun.

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Love, Jabba the Hut is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck off" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately. .

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

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My son (who is into astronomy) asked me “How do stars die?”

I said "well some marry the wrong people, and others slap the shit out of each other."

the whole lion family starred in a violent drama named

Pride and prey judice

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I Was Briefly A Porn Star

I just never made it big.

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Can we start using "stars" as a unit of measurement, instead of inches?

It sounds way better to tell the ladies I have a 5 star penis

Why didn't Leia email Obi-Wan the Death-Star Plans?

The Jedi Code forbids attachments.

Why are shooting stars so fast? (x-post from /dadjokes)

They’re traveling light.

Me to a ninja: Hey, can you show me how you precisely cut off tree branches with those throwing stars?

“Shuriken.”

(Came up with this ex nihilo, please like)

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My girlfriend said my dick reminded her of a star. I asked, "Because it's hot and brightens your day?"

She replied, "No, because it's a white dwarf."

Q. Why does this Star Trek uniform stink?

A. William Shatner

Matt Damon is to star in a new movie about a man who has accepted Jesus as his Savior or Redeemer.

The Bourne Again Christian

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’
After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’
‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s ...

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

*INCOMING STAR WARS JOKE* So my uncle got a job circumcising Bantha’s…

He said the pay was OK but the tips were huge.

How did Samuel L Jackson die in star wars?

He fell out of the Windu

Where do sitcom stars go to race cars?

A laugh track.

Prince Andrew is to star as the villain in a new episode of Scooby Doo

He would have gotten away with it too if he hadn’t have been meddling with those kids

A new captain becomes leader of a company of soldiers. As he goes about learning everything on how they do things he finds two soldiers guarding a bench. He asks his sergeants why they're guarding the bench and they say the previous commander ordered it. "

He calls the previous commander up, now a major, asking why he did that and the major said its because the previous commander ordered it. So he calls that commander, now a lt. Colonel asking why he ordered it, gets the same answer that it was ordered by the previous commander. The captain goes throu...

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Ladies...If a man is willing to give you the Moon and the Stars....

You should be willing to sacrifice Uranus.

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Porn stars may not have the easiest job…

But porn watchers definitely have the hardest.

Everyone talks about the little Spanish flea, a record star he thought he'd be, but nobody talks about his cousin, the little Spanish tick.

He was a massive freaking prick.

I want to find a girlfriend who's into Star Wars

I've been looking for love in Alderaan places.

TIL Texas is called the lone star state

because it was the minimum allowed in a 5 star rating system

Did you know Mr. T is a big Star Wars fan?

So much so that he named his kid Boba.

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So there was this assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet.

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, "Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, we'll I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my best fr...

My grandpa always said "Shoot for the stars"...

...too bad he's in jail now for trying to shoot Justin Bieber

A large man in dirty, tattered clothes walked into a five-star restaurant.

The maitre d tries to firmly reject him from the restaurant, but the man glares at him and growls "Oh, you're not going to let me eat? My father used to have people refuse to serve him, and if you don't let me in I'm going to have to do what he did when that happened".

The matre d fearfully s...

Why haven’t aliens visited our planet yet?

They looked at the reviews… only 1 star!

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porn star.

A male porn star gets home from work, sits down in the chair, his girlfriend says, "you look exhausted,!"

he says, "yes, I've had a hard day at the orifice. "

I used to confuse Star Wars with Star Trek.

It was a Wookie mistake.

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How can you tell the difference between a porn star and a programmer?

The way they pronounce 'analyze'

3 dirty Star Wars jokes

1) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he finally got inside Princess Leia?

Because it was Luke warm

2) Why was Han Solo suspicious when he was eating Princess Leia?

Because she felt chewy

3) Did Han do the right thing when he confronted Leia about these?

No, that nig...

Why don't Star Wars characters go to church?

They're scared of the *pews*

Disney / Star Wars crossovers suck.

I just watched the most boring crossover ever.

Nothing even happens in Han Solo's "Frozen in Carbonite"

Last night I was laying in bed, looking at the stars and I asked myself...

"Where the hell is my roof?"

Who swore the most in star wars?

R2-D2, they beeped out every word he said

Why are there no Kardashians on Star Trek?

'cause they don't work in the future either.

Why was there a Covid-19 outbreak on the Death Star?

'Cos the Stormtroopers missed their shots.

There were two beggars...........

There were two beggars sitting next to each other on the street. One of them had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large Star of David, while the other had a sign saying "Please Give" next to a large cross.

A man stopped to watch them. He noticed that most people would just pass by the be...

A country music star and a renown chemist fell in love, got married, and quickly became pregnant with triplets. When the three girls were born, the happy parents decided to name them...

Jolyne, Jolene, and Jolane

"I looked up into the sky and matched each star with a reason why I love you."

"That's so sweet."

"Not particularly. It was a cloudy day."

A singing teacher told her eager student 'You should have taken up singing earlier'. The student asks 'Why? Do you think the extra practice would make me a star?'

'No' replies the teacher 'but you would have given up by now'

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How many porn stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, but the lightbulb has to be very big.

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What would Bill gates's porn star name be?

Microsoft

A Star Wars Christmas

How did Darth Vader know what Luke Skywalker got him for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

Sure, the Death Star was expensive.

But Vader's suit cost him an arm and a leg.

What did the optometrist prescribe the star?

Sun Glasses - I'll show myself out

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What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo

According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star You’re actually a few million years late.

That star is dead. Just like your dreams.

I've just built two flatpack models of Motown stars That I bought from a certain Swedish Store



Ikea?

Yes and that's Tina over there.

Andre 3000 went camping...

...as he finishes setting up his tent, a park ranger rolls up to warn him about bear activity nearby. Specifically, an unusually intelligent and persistent bear that has a taste for 90's musicians. Andre thanks the ranger for his concern, and assures him that he'll take all the necessary precautions...

One Christmas Eve, many decades ago, Santa Claus announced to his elves, "I'm supposed to begin my annual flight in one hour. But there are still some toys that need to be made and put into my sack. I need all seven of my elite toymakers to finish the toys on time."

"I'm so sorry, Mr. Kringle," said the elf in charge of the workshop. "One of the elite toymakers is on vacation, and two are sick. I'm afraid we only have four elites tonight."

"So be it," said Santa.

It took two hours for the elves to finish making the toys. By the time they were done...

Did you hear about the Spanish Star Wars spin-off?

It’s about the chosen Juan.

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What do Jesus Christ and Male Porn-stars have in common?

They both take their sweet time before the second coming.

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A guy goes to see a prostitute. (unpleasant joke ahead)

"Is it true what they say about you?"
"Yes honey, absolutely. I can suck you off, and sing the Star-Spangled Banner at the same time. Wanna give it a go?"
"That sounds amazing. I've got to experience it for myself."

They go up to her place. They move to the bedroom immediately and he p...

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A horse is hanging out in a barn watching MTV.

He sees a guy on stage playing the guitar and says, "I want to learn the guitar!" So he calls up a music teacher and tells him he wants to learn the guitar. Only problem is, he's a horse. Music teacher says "no problem, come on in and I'll teach you guitar." Horse goes to see the music teacher and l...

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Somebody once told me a story…

…and today I’d like to share it with you:

Once upon a time, there was a farmer in Scotland. His name was William McKellen.

William had a faithful horse, named Star. She was his best friend out there in the Highlands.

Every morning, the two would go out to the grass fields. Far...

Sudden change of heart

An extremely wealthy investor and his wife of 25 years, were having dinner at a five-star restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, gave the husband a big, wet kiss, and in a breathy voice she said, "I'll see you later tonight…" ending with a wink just before turni...

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger are producing and starring in a period drama about the Great Composers.

Stallone, Willis and Schwarzenegger are producing and starring in a period drama about the Great Composers.
They all agree that Stallone should play the role of Beethoven, but Willis and Schwarzenegger get into an argument about who should play Chopin.
Stallone suggest they toss a coin to de...

Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars?

Me: well of course I know him, he is me

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What do a chef, interrogator, and a porn star all have in common?

They all love to beat it

What do Star sheep sound like?

Degoba

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

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My conservative Christian parents sent me to one of those massive youth group events that celebrates how cool it is to be a virgin

Joke's on them, I went to the Star Trek convention next door instead

You know Darth Maul from Star Wars?

He's only half the man he used to be.

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I had a dream that my favourite Porn star died...

...and l wike up with a mourning wood.

Star Wars Trivia: What is the internal Temperature of a TaunTaun?

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Luke-Warm

Dan Schneider is the final boss of Nickelodeon All Star Brawl

As Master Foot.

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My wife is an internet porn star

She is going to be pissed when she finds out . . .

I’m so old...

A good Star Wars movie came out AFTER I was born.

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gas

How can you tell a male porn star at the gas station.?

just before the tank is full, he pulls out the nozzle and sprays the last bit over the bonnet and windscreen.

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

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Male porn stars are some of the most reliable employees.

They’re always working hard.

My friend asked me if the next Star Wars movies were going to be in 3D

"Yes" I replied "...but they R2D2."

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There's a new horror movie out about the evil offspring of adult movie stars.

It's call Children of the Porn.

My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die

"Usually an overdose", I said

Holiday

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an older lady and an older gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. ~~~He c...

A disturbing but true story about me

When I was born, my mother died and my father abandoned me. So I spent my entire childhood with my aunt and uncle.

When I was in my late teens, I stumbled upon a video that my sister had made of herself. It was then that I realized that she was really, really hot. I watched the video twice, a...

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The year is 2222 and John and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough Frequent Flier miles

They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things.

John asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc.

Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

'Just how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen.

The Martian resp...

Three men die and are at the pearly gates ...

St Peter explains to them that, while in the old days God demanded that only Christians who closely studied the Bible could get into Heaven, times have changed and requirements have been relaxed. These days, you only need to know the basics.
St Peter turns to the first man and says, "if you can...

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A porn star got hit by a bus.

The bus driver must have never seen her coming.

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My porn star girlfriend is on this new diet.

She eats loads.

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Last night I was lying in my room and gazing up at the stars...

Then I thought... Where the fuck is my roof?

How do stars die?

They usually overdose

Stand up Comedy on Star Trek

Yo mamma so fat… she tried to use the teleporter, but it ran out of atoms before she made it to the other side

Did you know that Chewbacca's brother Pannubacca died when Princess Leia's home planet was destroyed?

Pannub, as his friends called him, had never had much luck with the ladies and was horribly shy due to his terribly crooked teeth. After years of loneliness Pannub decided to do something about his problem and flew to Leia's planet, which everyone knows was well known for their excellent orthodontis...

The star football player was missing his academic requirements

He was the best player they'd seen in years, but unfortunately, shared an IQ with his helmet. Regulations required that the player be benched until he brought his grades back up.

The coach, wanting to win their first season in decades, pled to allow the player to finish the season. It was fin...

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Mildred, bingo, and Buzzy the parrot

During the pandemic, Mildred, a widow for twenty years, was worried she had to give up her weekly bingo game down at Saint Mary’s community hall. Fortunately, the church found a way to take the game online using Zoom. (After all, bingo was a nice source of revenue.) Just as important, she had Buzzy,...

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My translation of a foreign joke:

A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him and whispers, "Take all the money in your wallet, go to this casino, and put it on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, p...

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"...

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I feel bad for porn stars…

They don’t get AC, only fans

Why can't a pulsar be observed by any computer controlled optical telescope?

Video killed the radio star.

What kind of car does a Star Wars memorabilia collector drive?

a Toy-Yoda

Two good ol’ boys were out hunting in the fields…

when they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They edged closer and were amazed at its size.

The first one said, "By golly, that's some hole! I can’t see the bottom - I wonder how deep it is?


Scratching his chin the second said, "Well, I surely don't know.“

The fi...

panties

Captain James T Kirk of Star Trek fame has launched his own range of women’s underwear, the bras are selling well, but it appears that nobody wants to buy a brand of underwear named

“Shatner Panties”.

Can a ninja throw a star?

Shur-he-can

Glossing Over a Criminal in the Family Tree

The Taylors were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had traveled to America as pilgrims on the Mayflower. They had included congressmen, successful entrepreneurs, famous sports figures and television stars. They decided to research and write a family history, something for their childr...

My wife loves Star Wars...

so last night we watched all the Mandalorian, back to back!

Luckily, I was the one facing the TV...

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