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What's masturbation called in the star wars universe?

Hand Solo

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[Nsfw] My wife FINALLY agreed to a Star Wars role play in the bedroom...

...The only catch was I had to be Obi Wan, because she always had a thing for Ewan McGregor.

"Of course!" I said, and got to work putting together the sexiest Obi Wan costume I could. I even managed to find Glow in the Dark condoms so I could impress her with my "lightsaber".

The nigh...

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I went to a porn stars reunion yesterday...

It was nice to come across old faces again!

The Robinhood app has a rating of 4.7 stars in the app store.

But current market conditions prevent us from allowing investors to add new stars. You may only remove stars until conditions improve.

Friend: do you know that one guy who just cant have a conversation without quoting star wars?

Me: well of course I know him, he is me

New Zelda game, starring just the princess, that ties all the story lines together...

"The Missing Link"

Went to an 80s fancy dress party once, my wife didn’t want me to go as a pop star.

But I was adamant.

My son, who's into astronomy, asked me how stars die.

"Usually an overdose, son." I told him.

Boy: your teeth are like stars

GIRL: Aww.. thanks are they that much pretty?


Boy: no, far away from each other

Liam Neeson will star in a new thriller where he rescues the wrong woman

the film will be titled "Mistaken"

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Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed m...

Governor of NYC Andrew Cuomo is starring in a New Sitcom Spinoff

It will be called: How I killed your Grandmother

Thought this up while driving behind a car with a Star Wars Rebel sticker on it.

What is the favorite type of weather of Stormtroopers?

Mist

Have you guys heard about this remake of the old Jim Carrey/Renee Zellwegger movie, but starring mumble rappers?

It's called "Me, Myself, and My lean."

Star Wars names are just regular words if you put a random space somewhere:

Mos Quito

Que Sadilla

Scu Bagear

Syn Tax

Rev Erse

Mala Mute

Trypto Phan

Cano Nical

Impo Tent

Slee Papnea

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A Neutron Star wanders near a Black Hole...

Neutron Star: Hey, imma just pass by real quick."

Black Hole: \*Laughs\* You dense motherfucker.

The Exorcist star Linda Blair turns 62 today and still looks amazing

She is still turning heads.

(Heard this one on the radio this morning.)

(from my 9 year old) What is the scariest planet in Star Wars?

Na-BOO!

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?"

Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the
time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like
that to Frank Feldman every single time."

Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

Cabbie: "Not ...

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Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking...

Where the fuck is my roof?

An archaeologist was in Jerusalem when he discovered a slab of rock with five figures on it: the Star of David, an ox, a shovel, an owl, and a woman.

"This is really fascinating," said the archaeologist. "This tells me a lot about ancient Hebrew culture. The Star of David tells me, of course, that they were a very religious people. The ox tells me that they used domesticated animals, such as oxen, to plow the fields. The shovel tells me that they...

What is the politically correct term for the core of a massive star that went supernova

A hole of color

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I can never tell if an old porn star is retired...(NSFW)

Or if they just quit their fucking job.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out as 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Yoda was in charge of the scheduling.

Can a ninja really wield a star?

Shuriken

Joke I just thought up: What did the orphan say to the Star Trek fan thinking of adopting?

Bring me up, Scotty!

Someone has spray painted a swastika on Donald Trump's star on The Hollywood Walk of Fame.

The police are still trying to figure out if it was a supporter or an opponent.

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward...

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A team of archaeologists were excavating in Israel when they found a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish and a Star of David on the wall.

Pointing to the first drawing, the head of the team declared: 'This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high position. The donkey shows that they were intelligent enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means that they were able to forge tools. Even further ...

Why haven't aliens visited our solar system yet?

They checked the reviews... but we only had one star

My wife screamed at me, "You're obsessed with those Star Wars movies. I'm leaving you."

"May divorce be with you!!" I replied.

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What is a porn star’s favorite horror movie?

Night Of The Giving Head

A silent film star died today.

He had no final words.

A quarterback was being interviewed only moments before the start of the game. The reporter had 3 quick questions: "Your favorite pizza? Your favorite Star Wars character? Your favorite non-football activity?"

His answers were just as brief:

"Hut, Hutt, Hike!"

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What does star trek and toilet paper have in common

They both circle Uranus looking for klingons

Lets face it English is a stupid language

There is no egg in the eggplant

No ham in the hamburger

And neither pine nor apple in the pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England

French fries were not invented in France.

We sometimes take English for granted

But if we examine its paradoxes ...

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What is a porn star's favourite Christmas tradition?

Kissing underneath the camel toe

Elsa from Frozen is now an adult film actress starring in

Let it grow

Who's the fruitiest character in Star Wars?

The Mangolorian.

(Made up for an eight year old)

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My girlfriend is a porn star. –

She will kill me if she finds out.

My son Luke loves the fact he's named after a Star Wars character

My daughter Chewbacca, not so much

I'm starring in a new theater production about puns

It's a play on words

Doc Brown goes for a new paint-job on his car, and decides to go that extra step and theme the vehicle after Star Wars

Whenever people see it they say, "Man, DeLorean!"

I’ve been watching the Star Wars movies, and I realized something

It’s not that big of a shock that Darth Vader is Luke Skywalker’s father.


I mean, they have the same no’s.

Jimmy Carr was once on Top Gear, and was (for a time) the fastest star in a reasonably priced car.

Which is ironic, because that is what all the hookers in L.A. called him, too.

(OC) Arthur C Clarke was watching Star Wars with his family when he began ranting and raving.

“What is this film?” He snarled. “All they do is lay lands, tap them to produce mana and use that mana to summon creatures and cast devastating spells. I was expecting a space romp.”

“Arthur, come now,” his wife said, “that’s not what this film is about at all!”

“Ignorant woman,” he re...

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I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Babes, **Jabba the Hutt** is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

Why do Rock Stars wear mascara?

200% more volume.

I'm in bed, looking up at the stars and think to myself...

"Where the hell did my ceiling go?"

Here's an old one. Who curses the most in Star Wars?

R2-D2, everything he says is bleeped out.

For my cake day this year I want to share the love I have of Star Wars and dad jokes so here is one of my favorites: Where did Luke get this cybernetic hand from?

The second hand store.

What do you call a crossover between Star Wars and Back to the Future.

The Man Delorean

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A young lady in the maternity ward is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth of her child.

“I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies. "Okay do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife. "No, no boyfriend either".

"Do you have a partner then?" "No, I'm not attached to anyone. I'll be having my baby on my own".

After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. “...

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns...

Then you’re looking in Alderaan places

Why was the blond starring so hard at the orange juice?

It said concentrate.

Who's the only soldier who doesn't have to give a salute to a 4-star general as he passes, and can give an order to that general and be absolutely certain that it will be carried out immediately?

A bomb tech specialist at a dead run.

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What's the difference between a porn star and a mosquito?

One stops sucking when you smack it

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A man driving down the road sees a sign in front of a house that says “$5 for talking dog”

The man is perplexed and decides to pull over to investigate. After parking he walks up to the porch where a man is sitting in a rocking chair enjoying the day.

The driver asks “I saw your sign about a talking dog? Where can I see this dog?”

To which the man rocking simply points to th...

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Did you hear about the porn star who wanted to do a scene with all five members of Aerosmith?

They gave it a try, but they could only get Foreigner

Why are stars and galaxies spread throughout the universe?

Kosmosis.

Who played Anakin Skywalker in the Star Wars prequels?

Emperor Palpatine

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During the late thirties the Nazi party hosted a friendly soccer game versus England. The Nazi's star goalkeeper was Hans Bratvender.

Late in the game Hans, overcome with Nationalist pride, turned to face the Chancellor's private box, stood to attention and gave a Nazi salute.

At that moment, the English forward kicked from outside the goal crease, and scored what would be the winning goal.

When asked later to explai...

What's the brightest star in the night sky?

Sirius replies only.

Chinese Flag Rating

I’d give it uhhh 5 stars.

So I'm reading a book about a movie star that was born a woman but then comes out as identifying as male, but no one gets upset or judgemental about it, they just accept it and get on with their lives. It's a good book...

It's a real page turner

What did the ninja say when asked if he can kill a man with ninja stars?

Shuriken

A mom takes her daughter to the doctor

The doctor says, “Okay, what seems to be the problem?”


The mother says, “It’s my daughter Suzie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight and is sick most mornings.”


The doctor gives Suzie a good examination, and then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’...

How do two stars communicate?

They make light conversation...

I’ll see myself out...er space.

(If it’s been done before, sorry; I literally just thought of it, lol.)

Two beggars are asking for coins in the street of a small Italian town...

One of them has a big cross necklace and the other one has a big Star of David necklace.

The man with the Star of David necklace has an empty cup while the one with the cross has a cup that’s overflowing with change.

Some nice passerby by stops next to the Jewish man and whispers “sir,...

What's denser than a neutron star?

A Flat Earther

My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die

"Usually an overdose", I said

Why didn't the star laugh at the joke?

It was pretty Sirius

What did the windmill say to the pop star?

“I’m a huge fan”

There should be an urban fishing show that stars released convicts,

and it should be called "Off the Hook".

Why are movie stars so cool?

They have a lot of fans.

Orion's belt is a big waist of space.

Terrible joke, only three stars.

Apparently there’s a battle for the rights to Star Wars aftershave.

It’s “The Cologne Wars.”

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How does a porn star call in sick?

"Sorry, I can't come tonight."

MOM: "No more TV until you finish your math homework!"

KID: "Aww, Mom! When am I ever gonna use math in real life? I'm gonna grow up to be a super rich rock star...I'll pay people to do math \*for\* me."
MOM: "Well, why didn't you say so? That's a wonderful goal! And I know exactly how to help you pursue it."


THE NEXT DAY
MOM:...

What were dinosaur's last words?

"Ayo these don't look like shooting stars. "

Please enjoy my best ever Star Wars themed joke...

Irving was proud of his daughter Faith. She was the prettiest, smartest, most charming girl in all the Empire. And when Faith was asked to attend the Winter Gala by Conan Antonio, Irving was justifiably pleased, for Conan was a well-decorated and many-times-promoted military man of great respect....

Why is Texas called the Lone Star State?

Because that's the highest rating it could get

In a conversation with my beautiful red haired graphic designer of a girlfriend if she could help me with some creative ideas for a novel I am working on...

...and as she always does, with a gentle smile and her head rested on my lap as we sit and watch parks and recreation box set on Netflix for the 3rd time. Her voice gently breaks in her soft Irish accent as she simply says "my darling boyfriend, your imagination is so vast and so great, you do not n...

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Why do religious people and porn stars kneel ?

Porn stars wait for the first cumming and religious people wait for the second cumming

Holmes and Watson are on a camping trip.

In the middle of the night, Holmes wakes up and gives Watson a nudge. "Watson," he says, "look up in the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions of stars, Holmes," says Watson.

"And what do you conclude from that, Watson?"

Watson thinks for a moment. "Well," he says, "a...

From the Newsdesk: Television Star turned Politician loses bid for reelection amidst corruption allegations...

Our request for a comment from Sideshow Bob's campaign staff was declined

Why is vodka so hard to obtain in the Star Wars universe?

Because only Siths deal in Absolut.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson Go Camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see." Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holme...

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NSFW. How do tell the difference between a porn star and a statistician?

Get them to pronounce "analyzed".

OC. This is my take on the joke about how the chemist and the plumber pronounce "unionized"

I'm a bipolar Star Trek fan.

I just went to the hospital to have my dilithium level checked.

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What is a porn stars favourite drink?

7-up in cider

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A man takes a pleasant stroll on a Friday evening... suddenly, the Devil himself pops up in front of him

and whispers zombifyingly, "Take all the money in your purse, go to this casino, and put them on the number 27!"

The man is first shocked, then becomes curious, and quickly yields, goes to the casino, puts all the money on 27 and wins!

Excited he exists the casino and meets the Devil...

My neighbors listen to Smash Mouth's All Star a lot.

Whether they like it or not.

A man and woman are on a first date, everything is going great between them.

The man suggests they go to a local milk bar to share a milkshake, but the woman declines, saying she can’t have that stuff. Whilst searching for somewhere else to go, a car comes out of nowhere barreling towards them. The man is able to push his date out of the way, but the car runs over his foot, ...

Yesterday I went to bed and looked at the stars.

As I laid in my bed and looked at the sky, I thought to myself, "Where the hell did my ceiling go?"

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A drunk man is at a bar and says that he can fart the Star Spangled Banner... (Nsfw)

The bartender says "go ahead!"

The man stands on the bar completely naked and proceeds to shit all over the bar.

The bartender says "What the hell did you do that for?"

The drunk then says "C'mon! Even Frank Sinatra has to clear his throat before a performance!"

The original actor who played Captain Kirk tried to start a Star Trek themed line of women’s lingerie.

But no one would invest in Shatner Panties.

(An oldie, but deserved a fresh posting)

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Ladies. If your man is giving you both the moon and stars

You should be willing to sacrifice uranus

Star Wars is about the eternal conflict between two opposing forces. One headhunts children across the galaxy, puts them into a religious cult, indoctrinates them, even forbids them from having a relationship, then sends them off to die in the nearest war.

The other is the Sith.

Scientists were baffled when hundreds of stars were suddenly extinguished.

Nobody saw the meteor that slammed into Hollywood.

If you’re ever ever hiking in the woods and get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky.

The you’ll know which way space is.

My friend decided to get a face tattoo of her favourite Star Wars character.

You should have seen the Luke on her face.

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Today I asked a porn star what would she do if she got fired?

She said she just wouldn't give a fuck.

What Star Wars character would be best at limbo?

Han So Low

John runs a booming 5-star hotel business in his town.

One day, a bald headed guy comes to his hotel and asks for Room 690 specifically.

"But sir, that room is already occupied. We could give you another room."

"I'll pay you ten times more. I need that room."

John, obviously lured by the money, gives him the room. But the bald head...

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How many porn stars does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Just two, but they have to be very small

I'll never forget my Uncles last words on his death bed

"I am your Father"

Still doing the Star Wars impressions right to the end.

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I have the body of a porn star,

all of my clothes says XXX.

Did you hear Pedro Pascal hurt his back during The Mandalorian?

It was from carrying the Star Wars franchise

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