The creation

While god was creating the world, the fire fly was asking him every five minutes:
\-Where will i put the lamp?

Immediately following the creation of Eve, Adam says to God

"Why'd you have too use my rib?"

"Oh, its symbolic. Now you have a pain in your side!"

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The creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,

Using a knife,he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,

With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and t...

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I marveled at my handiwork of my latest creation: a fence made entirely from fecal matter

It was a quality shitpost

My son asked me why I only let him play Sim creation screen of the Sims but not the rest

I told him, 'It's character building.'

Did you guys hear about the creation of the moon?

It was a world-shattering event for those who experienced it.

It's never worth getting into an argument about creationist Adam & Eve versus evolution

You're just comparing apples and origins

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God has almost finished creation...

GOD: So how many animals do I have left to make?

ANGEL: Two.

GOD: And how many legs do I have left?

ANGEL: One hundred.

CENTIPEDE: Dibs!

SNAKE: You asshole.

Creation of humans

Friend: How were humans created?

Me: It all started with the big bang, and some other bangs

What was God doing before creation?

He was preparing hell, for those who pry to deep.

(This is actually a joke from Augustine!)

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The creation of woman.

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.
Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing' ."
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Tw...

What did the egg say when it got too high? (My own creation as far as I know)

"OMELETTE.."

When Trump announced job creations...

I didn't think it was for the same position over and over again.

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The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,


Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.


See them gathered together, by calling divine


to fashion a vulva of peerless design.


The first man, a butcher of eminent skill


took a hold of his bla...

The creation of the woman.

When Adam roamed the garden of Eden, he saw how happy all the pairs of animals were, and he craved a partner. He prayed all day and all night, and in the end god answered his pleads and replied.

"Adam, what are you praying for?"

"Oh almighty god! I have seen the bliss of the animals of...

Paleontologists have determined that there once was a genetic mutation millions of years ago that resulted in the creation of a five-legged dinosaur.

As far as we know, this is the first evidence ever seen of a reptile dysfunction.

God is giving the animals purpose during Creation.

He goes over to three of the animals and quizzes them: "What is your purpose with Man?"

The horse, a large, strapping beast, says, "My purpose is to be Man's feet when he is tired, his back when he cannot lift, and his last refuge in times of hunger."

The cow, a rotund, meaty animal, s...

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It was the end of the sixth day of the Creation and God summoned Adam and Eve.

God: Adam, Eve, I have a very important decision for both of you to make. Throughout the day I have created the beasts of the land and have bestowed upon them traits and abilities. I have given flight to the birds, speed to the cheetah, the ability to breathe underwater to the fish of the sea, an...

Creation vs. Evolution

After a sermon on creation, a curious young boy asked, "Dad? How did we get here?"
"Remember God created EVERYTHING in six days. On the sixth day, he scooped up some dust and made Adam. He took one of Adam's ribs and made Eve. They had kids and their kids had kids and so on, so that's how we'...

(My mother's proudest creation) What do you call it when you lobotomize terrorists?

Simplifying Radicals.


Yes, she's a math teacher.

At the Creation of Women

God: Adam, it would cost you but would you like me to make you a woman?

Adam: Yes. But what is a woman My Lord?

God: A woman is a wonderful creature that would obey ALL your commands and fufil ALL your desires

Adam: What would it cost me?

God: Only an arm and a leg ...

What vehicle uses Bethesda's creation engine?

A buggy

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Today I learned the Nazis were instrumental in the creation of Tang and other powdered fruit drinks

But it didn't get far since Hitler hated the juice.

Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!

He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!"

Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my ex...

An atheist goes for a walk in the woods.

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked ...

Billy the ant scientist.

Once there was a mad scientist named Billy obsessed with experimenting on ants. For the this he earned the nickname "Ant billy" Billy ant" or "that weird ant dude" or variations there of and was generally considered a laughingstock of the town.

Determined to not be such a goddamn failure anym...

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

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Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
...

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Famous people answer the ubiquitous question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

**TEACHER**: To get to the other side.


**PLATO**: For the greater good.


**ARISTOTLE**: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.


**SOCRATES**: Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?


**HIPPOCRATES**: Because of an excess of phlegm in i...

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Holmes and Watson are out on a camping trip

Finally away from work, Dr Watson and Sherlock Holmes decide to spend there time off the great outsiders They set up their camp, get a fire roaring, put up their tent and get ready for the evening in the wild. After a nice meal, the two detectives decide it’s time to head on to bed. They both crawl ...

Which was the best Donald Trump joke that you heard?

For me



Donald Trump, Barack Obama, and Bill Clinton die and go to hell.

They are lined up in front of three doors. The first is opened to reveal a swarm of wasps and mosquitoes. Satan's voice booms "Mr. Obama you have sinned, and now you must spend all of eternity with these v...

The oldest job in the world

A surgeon,gardener and electrician sitting in a bar talking about the worlds oldest job.

The Surgeon laughed and said: “HAH! Ofcourse surgeon is the oldest job in the world who else removed the rib from adams body for god to create eve! He doesn’t even have a scar from it!”

Then the Ga...

An elder in the tribe tells a teenage member to prove his worth...

The elder says to Flying Arrow, “to prove your worth, you must carve a totem that impresses the Chief, and you must do so with just this sharpened rock” The boy accepts the challenge and begins punching out chunks of bark and then flesh from the wood. He soon realizes that he has no vision, as he h...

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Little Johnny was sitting by an ant hill squashing every ant he could

A priest and a nun came upon Johnny doing this and asked Johnny to stop. Then asked why Johnny would do such a thing.

Johnny: These ants are useless, and I'm mashing them.

The nun and priest were appalled at his reply, "No, no! Nothing in God's beautiful creation is useless!"

Jo...

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Little Bobby was running through the woods

Little Bobby was running through the woods behind his house when the urge to go #2 struck. Bobby did his business behind a tree and carried on his way. The next day, Bobby was out behind his house again when he saw a swarm of flies circling yesterday's droppings. Intrigued, Bobby dropped his pants a...

How Scotland was created...

At the beginning of time God was discussing the creation of the world with the angel Gabriel. Leaning back in his golden throne, he told him of his plans for Scotland.

"Gabriel," said god "I am going to give Scotland towering mountains and magnificent glens resplendent with purple Heather. Re...

A guy was baptized and dipped in water 3 times.

After the third dip, the Priest said: "You are now baptized, you are a new creation. The old one is gone, no more drinking of alcohol for you. Your new name is Gomes."
Gomes went back home and headed straight for the fridge. He took a Kingfisher Beer, dipped it in water 3 times and said: "You a...

Gabe Newell is an anti-vaxer

he doesn't let his creations get to 3

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One day Adam and Eve notice God standing before them, holding a bag

"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Eve.

"These are a couple of things that were left over from creation that I thought you two would be interested in." God rummages around in the bag a moment. "Okay who wants to be able to pee standing up?"

Adam immediately puts his hand up in the air...

Steve Jobs dies and goes to the pearly gates.

St. Peter asks him if he thinks he deserves to go to heaven or hell.

Steve says “definitely heaven - I was responsible for the creation of products that brought joy to millions around the world.”

St. Peter replies “yes that is true, but I’m afraid you have to go to hell.”

Dumfou...

At the begining of time, there was nothing, then God created the Universe...

He thought it was a beautiful creation, so he decided to create planet Earth.

He though it was a beautiful creation, so he decided to create nature.

He thought it was a beautiful creation. To manage all that, he created men.

He thought they were beautiful creation. To enhance th...

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Adam and Eve

It's the evening of the sixth day of creation. Adam and Eve are hanging out in the Garden of Eden having a grand time when God comes in, carrying a sack. God tells them "There's just a couple things left to take care of to wrap things up". God opens the sack, looks in and says, " first, we have the ...

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Two soldiers are returning back to base after a night out.

On the way, one of the two gentlemen has the urge to shit. He tells his comrade “Dude I really have to shit. Can we try to find somewhere quickly?” The other replies “No dude we’re gonna be late.” Our desperate soldier can't hold it anymore so he says “I’m going in the garden here. Don’t look.” “Ok”...

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Three boysouts are on a camping trip

They cook dinner on a fire and then all go to sleep. Later that night the scout in the middle wakes up the one to his left and says"look up at the sky, see all the stars and the moon, what does that mean to you?"
The the left scout says "I guess it means that god is watching over us and he wants ...

God said to Gabriel:

"I've finally finished my masterpiece. Beautiful mountains, spectacular lochs, and whisky - the most amazing drink in my creation. I shall call this land 'Scotland'"

"That sounds fantastic" Gabriel said. "What have the people of this land done to deserve all this?"

"Well" said God. "Wa...

A Mozart fanatic visits his tomb in Austria...

John is a gigantic Mozart fanatic. He's listened to every one of his many compositions, paid attention to the melodies and how they were composed, and the thought process of their creation. All that John has left to do is to visit Mozart's tomb.

John travels to Austria and visits his tomb. Wh...

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth and all things that in them are: (Long)

Then he eventually created Adam, who was having a lot of fun in the garden, walking around naked, eating fruit from various trees, and hanging out with/naming all of the animals.

But one day, Adam began to feel lonely and decided to talk to God about it. In that discussion, Adam expressed th...

An eighteen year old finally decides to throw out his toys.

Andrew was never fond of most of the toys in his collection. He was a professional gamer and had no time for real world items. One day, he decided that he needed to clear out his room and found all his old toys. Without a moment's notice, he placed the whole bag in the garbage bin outside his house....

There were three country churches in a small Texas town: Presbyterian, Methodist and Catholic

Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels. One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. 

After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will....

What is God's favorite TV office comedy?

Arks and Creation

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip.

In the middle of the night, Holmes nudges Watson awake, and says, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions of stars, my dear Holmes."

"And what do you infer from these stars?"

"Well, a number of things," he says, lighting his pipe:

Astronomic...

My pillow

I designed my own pillow. The pillow to rule all pillows. The perfect dimensions, the perfect stiffness, the perfect material. I sought the finest fabrics from around the globe and set to work on my grandest creation. It took months, but I finished. The last step was to transport it from the se...

I am 24 seconds older than my twin brother...

... whenever I come out of the toilet I start a sentence with "When I was your age...." then proceed telling him the details of my majestic creation.

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Sir Arthur and the case of brief case identity

Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, creator of the fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, purportedly told of a time when he climbed into a taxi cab in Paris..!
.
Before he could utter a word, the driver turned to him and asked,
.
"Where can I take you, Mr. Doyle?"

Doyle was flabbergasted.....

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What does a Reverend and a Christmas tree have in common?

The balls are both for decoration

"P.S. Haven't seen this joke here yet so I thought I'd share, also isn't my creation one of my friends told me it."

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There once was a country with strict population growth rules.

The population was so low, the government had enacted a law that required all couples to have children within 5 years of their marriage. Should a couple fail to produce a child during this period, a government official would be sent to "get the job done".

Such was the situation of a couple, w...

Three guys go fishing...

Three guys go fishing. In the front of the boat is a cooler full of beer.

The first guy stands up and says, "I'm a Muslim and we believe that God does not want us to drink alcohol. We also believe that God is watching us all the time. Since God is watching me right now, I will not drink ...

Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden

So Adam is sitting in the Garden of Eden and he says, "God, I see that all of the other animals that you have created in this truly perfect world have a companion, a partner, someone to be with, share life with, and to love. Why is it that I am alone?" God pauses for a moment, and says "You know Ada...

So, the God decides he needs a vacation...

He goes to meet his travel agent:
"We have a special on Andromeda, Cthulu resort." - Nah it's way too hot...
"How'bout skiing in Pillars Of Creation?" - Maybe something cheaper, this time?
"Well, You may try the Earth, Solar System new Spa, great price".
- ... Been there like 2000 yea...

A man was driving in the middle of nowhere down a secluded country road far from any cities.

He got a flat tire, and got out to walk for help.After walking for some time, he came to a small stone monastery. He knocked on the door and roused the monks. "I've got a flat tire. Can I use your phone?" He asked.

The monks said they were sorry, but they did not have a phone. "If you stay t...

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The Gods decided to create trees...

The land was barren with nothing but muddy ground, rock formations, some small creatures and a pair of humans. So the Gods decided to create 2 trees to live as partners. The female tree was named Eva and the male Lee. As all other forms of life around, the trees were naked.

Eva was not conten...

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How Adam blew it..

Adam and God was having a man-chat and at one point God ask Adam if he would be interested in hooking up with a creation called.. a Woman!..
Adam ask what this is and God explains:
A woman is kind a like you but with bigger breasts, three holes in stead of two, she will clean your mess, will ...

A man starts a bakery

[Sorry if this joke sucks]

A man quits his tech career to pursue a life of pastry creation. After careful consideration, he picks the location, sources his ingredients, and crafts the recipes.

Everything seems in order, except for one strange fact: all his employees are hookers.
...

Harley Davidson creator dies and meets God

The Creator of Harley Davidson dies and meets St Peter at the pearly gates. Peter asks him, "why would you create something like a Harley?? They're loud, unreliable, slow, never on time, and expensive. I'm going to have to take you to God to make the decision." So he takes him to God and God asks h...

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These damn flies

Little Johnny is standing on a street corner swatting flies.

Every time he sees a fly he utters, "damn flies, damn flies."

Just as Johnny says it a shocked priest walks up and says,

"You should not curse the flies because every one of God's creations has a purpose."

The l...

The Greatful Bear

An atheist was walking in the forest admiring all the beauty of creation. He heard and saw a large bush rustling and decide to investigate. He frightened a large bear which started to chase him. He ran hard, looked back and saw the bear catching up. He ran harder, looked back and the bear was still ...

A Russian scientist creates a robot...

The robot can clean, cook, do calculus, balance a budget, play music, and so much more.
The scientist holds a conference to announce the robot and announces that it will be released publicly for all the world to enjoy. The robot is branded with the name "Gudynuv" and is soon mass produced and s...

Three Nuns get into Heaven

Three nuns had died and were going to Heaven. They gathered at the Pearly Gates and met St. Peter, who said

"Congratulations Sisters you have made it to Heaven! Now to get in you must answer a question each"

One Nun steps forward and he asks "Who was the first man in Creation?"

...

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A man was working very hard in his lab one day...

and after countless hours of working, he had finally invented what he thought was the revolution of the century; the time machine.

Being so tired from his work, he decided to take a break and watch some of the latest news. He flipped through a few channels to find the news channel. The repo...

Ginger the baker

Once upon a time, in a very, very small town, there was a baker who was named Ginger. She was a very modest person, and not only was she humble, but also very soft spoken and kind. She was famous in the town for her baked goods, especially her cakes.

One day she was experimenting and created...

"Am I ugly?"

Boy: Am I ugly?

Girl: God has no ugly creation.

Boy: So I'm not ugly then?

Girl: I'm just not sure if you're God's creation.

A missionary staying in an African village approached by the Chief...

The Chief says,

"Holy man, my wife just gave birth to a white child. Everyone in the village is black, except for you. "

The missionary begins to sweat until he notices a herd of goats outside.

"Chief, every once in a while, God makes his creation different from the others. Loo...

A Good Detective

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson are camping together. When they go to sleep, Sherlock says, 'Tell me what you can see when you're looking up?'
'Thousands of stars,' says Watson.
'And what's your conclusion from all this?'
Dr Watson starts to think. 'If I consider it from astrological aspects,...

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Vacation in the alps

This is a translation/version of a joke from a Swedish movie. I take no credit in its creation.
A Swedish family of four is on vacation in the Austrian alps. The mother is in a gift-shop when her daughter bursts in.
>- Mom! Mom! Dad's in the hospital with a broken arm, a cracked rib and a b...

So two scientists invent a machine that can travel to other dimensions...

After much calibrating and testing and preparing, the scientists hop aboard their creation and activate it. There is a blinding flash of blue light and in an instant the scientists are sitting in the middle of a grassy field. There is no sign of their lab...or really anything familiar at all.
<...

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A man wants to invent a musical instrument.

He works day and night tinkering until it is finally done. He is filled with joy and when he begins to play it he hears a light 'dink' sound from the instrument. The man is impressed with his work and tries to come up with a name for his creation. 'I know! I will call it the Doowop™.' He chooses thi...

An Italian, a Frenchman, a German, and an American sign up for a cooking class.

The instructor of the class has prepared three dishes for the class to cook; Fettuccine Alfredo, Éclair, and Schnitzel. He walks up to the Italian and asks him what he would like his job to be.

"I will be responsible for the creation of the Fettuccine Alfredo."

The instructor allows hi...

Soviet Joke

After Stalin’s death, the Soviet nation decided to get rid of him once and for all and bury him as far away as possible. They set up a special commission.
The commission turned to the British government with the request that they make available a plot in a British cemetery.
“Well,” replies the...

Fairy tale involving a Bishop.

A long time ago, in a land far away, there was a Bishop.

He was wandering trough a sunny field, reading his Bible and praising the beauties of Creation, while a croak stopped him.

He looked down and, besides a small bush, he saw a Frog who told him:

"Bishop, Bishop! Please kiss ...

Three mice go to heaven...

Three mice go to Heaven and meet St. Peter at the gate. St. Peter says, "Since you are God's precious creatures, I am authorized to give each of you a wish." One mouse speaks up for the group and says, "All our lives we lived in this building with hardwood floors and were chased all day by this me...

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So a winged magical fairy visits Rome ....

The fairy flies around a bit among the tourists before stopping in front of two classical and gorgeous greek statues placed beside each other - one being a scantily clad and muscled Apollo and the other beautiful and busty Aphrodite, the goddess of love and sex.

The fairy looks on these two b...

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Sherlock and Watson go camping... (reposted from the intelligent jokes thread)

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson are camping in the woods one night during an investigation. As they lay out under the stars, Holmes asks Dr. Watson a question...

"Watson!" Holmes said imperiously. "Look at the stars and tell me what you can deduce." Watson sighed, recognizing one of Holmes' fr...

I hope to work at an umbrella factory.

Ever since being a child, I have appreciated the unique motions of the umbrella. Unparalleled in all of man's creation, and unrivaled in nature, the conic beauty of the umbrella has become iconic in my heart.


I have wanted to work at an umbrella factory for years because of my deep rooted...

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Three angels are given gifts from god based on their loyalty and appreciation towards their spouses.

The first angel confesses that he often cheats on his wife and believes she would be better off....to be the equivalent of dead in heaven.

The second angel admits that his wife can be a bitch sometimes but still is willing to stick with her for eternity. Provided she stays in shape of course....

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As we all know, God created the world in one day

Then he went on to create everything else: the vegetation, the fish of the sea, the birds of the air, the land animals, and, finally, he created the first man, Adam. And he looked over his creation and saw that it was good. Except for Adam. He saw that Adam was lonely, because of all the lifeform...