UPJOKE
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Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon

The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

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Landing on the Moon

In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American.


‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked.


‘We...

The moon landing was obviously fake.

Like the moon is still up there, it didn’t land anywhere.

Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second man to walk on the moon.

Neil before me.

When the moon hits your knees, and you mispronounce trees

Sycamore

Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon.

When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

What did Neil Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes?

“I guess you had to be there.”

First woman on the Moon:

"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.

Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped do...

The moon landing was staged

The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.

There have been numerous accusations that the moon landing was fake.

When Neil Armstrong was interviewed about it, it’s claimed he said the following;
The government found the trip to the moon was going to be both expensive and difficult. There was significant doubt that it could even be done. So, the CIA decided that because the US needed the propaganda advanta...

Two blondes are walking and one asks, “ which is closer, the moon or Florida?” And the other responds, “duh...

... can you see Florida?”

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

Solar radiation has turned the American flags on the moon pure white...

...so now it looks like France landed there.

TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.

Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.

Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

The US government hired Stanley Kubrick to film the fake moon landing.

...but he was such a stickler for doing it right that he insisted that they film on location.

I am half Spiderman, half batman and half moon knight...

\- Poor
\- With no powers
\- With mental disorders

Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

Conspiracy theories are a lot like moon landings.

They're all fake

What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

Why did Russia's Luna-25 spacecraft crash into Moon ?

There wasn't any nursery or hospital nearby to aim at.

Recently NASA found bones on the dark side of the moon.

Turns out, the cow never made it.

Red Moon

NASA is getting transmission from their moon mission astronauts.

“Houston, we have a problem. Russians just landed on the moon.”

“It’s OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians.”

“Houston, we have a problem. Russians started to paint moon red.”

“It’s OK, continue you...

When the US went to the moon....

...they planted the American Flag. After all these years the radiation from the Sun will have bleached it completely white, so now if Aliens find it they are going to think the French were there first.

Two astronauts went to the moon

When they crawled out of their spaceship, it was a sight to behold. In the distance, there was a teepee and a Native American sitting near a fire. They approached the native and one of them said, “Hello! We’re from planet Earth!” The native, with a scared look, says, “Oh god, not again.”

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My granpa shared this joke with me many moons ago in an email chain I just found in my inbox, I thought I’d share it with yous.

A new ArmyCaptain
was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghanistan Desert.

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel behind the mess tent.

He asks the sergeant why the camel is kept there. The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you
kno...

Leaked NASA documents show the Moon landing was done in a Studio.

On the moon.

I’m currently obsessed with the Moon

Although I think it’s just a phase

A _solar_eclipse is when the moon is between the Earth and the Sun. A _lunar_ eclipse is when the earth is between the Moon and the Sun. What’s it called when the sun is between the moon and the earth?

The apocalypse…

What’s a psycho called on the moon?

>!A lunatic! !<

Have you guys heard about the new restaurant on the moon?

Early critics say the food is good, but there's no atmosphere.

Why is declaring yourself the monarch of the moon a bad idea?

You'd have no air apparent.

The moon landings were faked…

But the director was such a perfectionist that he demanded they be filmed on location.

I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon….

The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.

The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I...

The sky was blue, the moon was high, we were together, just her and I.

Her hair was brown, her eyes baby blue, I knew exactly what she wanted to do.

And so, with courage, I did my best and laid my hand upon her breast.

Her face was light, her body fine, I ran my finger down her ...

Why is the moon so grumpy?

It's just going through one of its phases

Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock?

Because it’s a little meteor

How do we know the moon is hairless?

The moon spends half the month waxing!

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom. The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon.

Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and gets his tuxedo.

He wants himself and his date...

What do little shops become at full moon?

Werehouses

Under Kennedy, America went to the moon...

Under Trump, America can't even get to Canada.



Much love from Toronto, stay safe!

I'm not sure what the first church on the moon will look like...

But I'm sure the mass will be the same.

What's more useful, the sun or the moon?

The moon. Because the sun only shines during daytime, when it's bright anyway, whereas the moon shines at night.

What did the werewolf make on the night of the full moon?

A roux.

France has the most flags on the moon of any nation.

The intense UV light bleaches all the flags placed there white.

My neighbor claims he took a photo of a flea on the moon.

Never mind… it’s just a lunatic.

I have a friend who was obsessed with the moon.

Lunar cycles, werewolf lore, eclipse dates, he knew all about them and then some. The really strange part was he focused solely on the moon in this way, no other part of space.

Made him easy to shop for though. Werewolf movies, moon pies, he'd love them just for being tangentially connected t...

I asked someone in the street: is that half moon a first quarter or a third quarter?

He replied: Sorry, I'm a tourist here, I don't know this sky.

My son identifies as a crescent moon.

I hope it's just a phase.

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

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When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated, “What are the guys in the big suits doing?”

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old...

Yo mamma’s so fat that during full moon she turns into a ware…

house!

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What's the difference between the moon and Uranus?

I don't want to visit the moon tonight.

Kids orbit their parents like moons.

It's why they can't see their dark sides.

What's that word for when your home turns into a storage unit every full moon?

Oh yeah, a werehouse

The Sun and the Moon walk into a bar...

Sun: Ahhh damn it! I forgot my wallet.
Moon: Hey no worries, I'll cover ya.

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours, so they called it a day.

I'm sorry.

The flag on the moon.

The flag on the moon is fading from the constant exposure to the sun. My grandfather said "Great in a few more years people are going to think the French landed there. "

What’s the difference between science and religion? Science flies you to the moon

While Religion Flies You Into Buildings.

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What do you call a black man on the moon?

An astronaut you racist bastard

What do you call a blood-sucking arachnid on the moon?

A lunar tick.

What do Moonlight and Moon Knight have in common?

The other Oscar isn't real.

What do you call your home under the full moon?

A warehouse!

A man climbed a mountain in search of the legendary Monk of the Moon, said to be the wisest man to ever live...

The man explored the mountainside until he found the monk's cave. "Oh, great Monk of the Moon, what is the meaning of life?"

The monk turned around and lowered his pants. A voice came from his rear end. "One day, your life will end. What you do with that knowledge determines your life's mea...

They sent a goose to the moon

The called it amoongoose

There are two type of countries.

Those that use the metric system and those that have been to the moon and have recreated nuclear fusion.

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The 7th planet should be a moon

Because it's Uranus.

(This is an unprovoked joke from my 7 year daughter who is drawing pictures of planets in her coloring book. I thought its was clever)

What's the moon's favorite gum?

Orbit.

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

...

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There are no boobs at the moon

That’s why we stopped going there.

A message to the moon

About 1966 or so, a NASA team doing work for the Apollo moon mission took the astronauts near Tuba City where the terrain of the Navajo Reservation looks very much like the Lunar surface. Along with all the trucks and large vehicles, there were two large figures dressed in full Lunar spacesuits....

Why did the cow travel to the moon?

To checkout the Milky Way.

Why do wolves howl at the moon?

Cause they don’t know how to use cellphones.

A stupid pun joke- The moon and the sun are having a conversation

The moon and the sun are having a conversation.
The moon says “Hey, you have been pretty dark lately. That kinda defies your entire sol purpose. The sun replies with “When will you stop telling me these stupid puns like a lune-atic.”

Buzz Aldrin is a man who demands respect. I saw him speak a while ago and he said “I’m the second guy to walk on the moon...”

“Neil before me”

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Ladies...If a man is willing to give you the Moon and the Stars....

You should be willing to sacrifice Uranus.

Chinese probes are still doing things on the dark side of the moon.

Seems pretty shady.

How do know there's no hair on the moon?

The moon waxes 14 times a month!

Why does the Earth make fun of the moon?

Because it has no life

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People always say, "I love you to the moon and back."

That's not really that far. The moon is only 238,900 miles away.
Uranus, on the other hand, is 1.7 billion miles away.

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Moon River

Two guys are working the night shift at a funeral parlor when they get a call to pick up a body from a car wreck.

They go to the accident and bring the body back to the funeral home. It's now about 3AM so one guys wants to put the body on ice and get to work on him the next morning but the o...

What did the peanut say to the moon?

Nothing.. Peanuts don’t speak..



My 4 year old just told me this joke and I can’t stop laughing..

The moon landings never happened

It’s still in the sky

A rlly funny incident I remember from class many moons ago

So basically, back in 7th grade, my teacher wrote "brain" as one of the supplies to bring to class everyday. Cuz of course - it makes sense to use it in class, right? A few teachers actually do this, as I've heard.

Anyways, in class (like in many classes), we had this one "troublemaker" dude...

How do you know when the moon is going broke?

When it's down to its last quarter.

If the moon landing was indeed fake

NASA would owe us a huge Apollo-gy.

So the Apollo missions found insects on the moon.

Lunatics

What did the teenager moon say to his mother?

"This isn't a phase, mom. This is who I am!".

A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him

'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.

The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;

'All of them'

'No just 3', replies the kid

'Damn it'

The father shakes his head in disappointment an...

The moon is basically a walmart sun

it reflects the behavior of the original product, but it just isn't the same

I told my friends I was a blood sucking insect from the moon

they said I was a luna tick.

The Artemis mission is a success, two astronauts land on the moon.

The astronauts are exploring the surface and collecting samples. The mission is going well, but one of the astronauts notices something strange in the distance.

"Hey, what's that thing on the ground?" the astronaut points.

They cannot make out what it is, so the two astronauts approac...

A lawyer sits next to a blonde on a plane, and he really wants her to notice him, but she shows no interest.

The lawyer is not used to being rejected, so he says:

"Let's play a game. We go back and forth and ask each other questions, and if you don't know the answer, you give the person $5."

The blonde isn't interested, and she declines.

After 20 minutes of silence, the lawyer says:...

The moon landing was staged

The rocket they used had multiple stages

Why are moon parties so damn boring?

Cuz there is no atmosphere!

Why do wolves howl at the full moon

Because it hurts. Owwww ow ow owwwwwww

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