UPJOKE
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Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon

The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

What do little shops become at full moon?

Werehouses

Leaked NASA documents show the Moon landing was done in a Studio.

On the moon.

When the moon moans.....

You know the sun has gone down.

What is the first sport ever played on the moon?

Capture the flag.

How does the moon cut its hair?

Eclipse it

Buzz Aldrin and Neil Armstrong are telling bad moon jokes at a party, and nobody is laughing.

Buzz sighs, "I guess you had to be there"

France has the most flags on the moon of any nation.

The intense UV light bleaches all the flags placed there white.

When the moon hits your knees, and you mispronounce trees

Sycamore

A guy walks into a bar on Halloween

A guy dressed in regular street clothes walks into a bar on Halloween and orders a beer. "I'm here for the costume party," he tells the bartender. The bartender looks him up and down, taking in his ordinary clothing and no makeup or wig. "What are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "I'm a were...

An astronaut flies in his space shuttle

And after flying for a while he stops at the nearest gas station in space to fill up. Once he’s done he asks the cashier where the nearest bar is. The cashier respond with “if you just go over to the next moon, you’ll find it. It’s called The Keyboard.” The astronaut thanks the cashier and leaves. O...

I am half Spiderman, half batman and half moon knight...

\- Poor
\- With no powers
\- With mental disorders

Chinese probes are still doing things on the dark side of the moon.

Seems pretty shady.

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What's the difference between the moon and Uranus?

I don't want to visit the moon tonight.

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom. The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon.

Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and gets his tuxedo.

He wants himself and his date...

A stupid pun joke- The moon and the sun are having a conversation

The moon and the sun are having a conversation.
The moon says “Hey, you have been pretty dark lately. That kinda defies your entire sol purpose. The sun replies with “When will you stop telling me these stupid puns like a lune-atic.”

I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon….

The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.

What do you think about the new diner on the moon?

Food was good but there really wasn't enough atmosphere

In the age of streaming I don't get why I have to watch re-runs from the 60/70s whenever I turn on the TV

Inflation going rampant, NASA going to the moon, Russia/US on the brink of war..

Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock?

Because it’s a little meteor

Two siblings are arguing, then one puts his hand level with his head and says “I’ve had it up to hear with you.”

The second sibling steps back takes a breath and speaks. “You know what? Fine.” He leaves, and years later is set to go to the moon. Once there on the televised broadcast he tells his brother, with his palm facing the earth, “I’ve had it to here.”

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Space Tourism

One of the car hire companies was looking at diversification, to be able to better cope in the next pandemic.

They started getting interested in the space tourism market, currently dominated by companies such as Blue Origin, Virgin Galactic and SpaceX. They needed a hook to make them stand o...

A bar owner is looking for some new musical acts to spice up the ambiance of his establishment.

He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. He finds a couple of okay options: some country, some rap, some metal… Nothing really sticks out as the next big thing to him though. He keeps at it for an entire weekend, struggling to find something he really likes.

He then stum...

Buzz Aldrin is a man who demands respect. I saw him speak a while ago and he said “I’m the second guy to walk on the moon...”

“Neil before me”

Astronomers got tired watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours.

They decided to call it a day.

How do we know the moon is hairless?

The moon spends half the month waxing!

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Ladies...If a man is willing to give you the Moon and the Stars....

You should be willing to sacrifice Uranus.

Why was the cow arrested for jumping over the moon?

Because it broke the laws of physics!!

(my son says he made this up himself!! can't find it anywhere else so maybe....)

Grammar Lesson.

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate was for consultation with a Native American Indian medicine man (on a nearby reservation) who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and sa...

What do Moonlight and Moon Knight have in common?

The other Oscar isn't real.

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A professor sits with a farmer on a train.

Bored, the professor says to the farmer: "I ask you a question, if you can't answer it, you give me $5; then you ask me a question, if I can't answer it, I give you $500, what do you think?" The farmer nods. The professor asks the farmer: "What is the distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The fa...

What do you call your home under the full moon?

A warehouse!

Elon Musk and some European guy sat next to eachother on a plane.

Being bored, Musk turned to the European and said; "Lets play a game. You ask me a question, if I dont know the answer, I pay you 500 dollars. Then I ask you a question, if you dont know the answer, you pay me 5 dollars." The European, thinking for a second, said; "sure, but you ask the first questi...

Kids orbit their parents like moons.

It's why they can't see their dark sides.

Did you hear that NASA found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

When the cow jumped over the moon...

Never have the steaks been so high.

I’m currently obsessed with the Moon

Although I think it’s just a phase

NASA is getting transmission from their moon mission astronauts

"Houston, we have a problem. Russians just landed on the moon."

"It's OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians."

"Houston, we have a problem. Russians started to paint moon red."

"It's OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians."

"Houston, we have a problem. Hal...

Engineer and an Academic on a plane

An engineer is getting an 8 hour business flight and next to him sits an academic. The engineer is tired and had a crammed week of line side meetings, design meeting, improvement meetings etc. he just wants to get some sleep as its a night flight and he is back in the office in the morning, so forms...

What do you call a blood-sucking arachnid on the moon?

A lunar tick.

The Superman 2 movie and a documentary about the Moon Landing had accidently been scheduled at the same time for the Lunar Background part of the movie lot. They argued about who should get to use it first, but then they remembered:

Neil before Zod.

What’s the difference between science and religion? Science flies you to the moon

While Religion Flies You Into Buildings.

Did you hear that the CIA hired Stanley Kubrick to fake the Moon landings?

He was such a perfectionist, he made them film on location.

How do know there's no hair on the moon?

The moon waxes 14 times a month!

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The screw and the bellybutton

So a guy I work with told us this joke on the plane, went on for full 30' which made it even funnier smh, this is a short version:

A boy is born and is perfectly normal, arms legs ears and stuff, except a tiny detail: He had a screw on his bellybutton. Parents send him to all doctors imagina...

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The 7th planet should be a moon

Because it's Uranus.

(This is an unprovoked joke from my 7 year daughter who is drawing pictures of planets in her coloring book. I thought its was clever)

Two blondes are walking and one asks, “ which is closer, the moon or Mississippi?” And the other responds, “duh...

... can you see Mississippi?”

I told my friends I was a blood sucking insect from the moon

they said I was a luna tick.

If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed murder, would the punishment still be the same?

I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?

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Kung Fu student asks his teacher

"Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated.

And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers: "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun, and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling migh...

What happens when you put a bunch of cardboard boxes in your house during a full moon?

You make it a warehouse

Why did the cow travel to the moon?

To checkout the Milky Way.

What goes up the hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4?

So this Indian guy is sitting next to Einstein and Einstein says you know its a long flight why don’t we have a competition? I will ask you a question and if you cant answer it you will give me $5 and than you can ask me a question and if I cant answer your question I will give you $500. The Indian ...

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People always say, "I love you to the moon and back."

That's not really that far. The moon is only 238,900 miles away.
Uranus, on the other hand, is 1.7 billion miles away.

Why is the moon so grumpy?

It's just going through one of its phases

The flag on the moon.

The flag on the moon is fading from the constant exposure to the sun. My grandfather said "Great in a few more years people are going to think the French landed there. "

We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons

If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.

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Landing on the Moon

In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American.


‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked.


‘We...

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.

Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped do...

I have a friend who was obsessed with the moon.

Lunar cycles, werewolf lore, eclipse dates, he knew all about them and then some. The really strange part was he focused solely on the moon in this way, no other part of space.

Made him easy to shop for though. Werewolf movies, moon pies, he'd love them just for being tangentially connected t...

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There are no boobs at the moon

That’s why we stopped going there.

An old man was sitting on his front porch, when he saw two boys walking past his house. The two boys were talking very loudly.

"Yesterday I bought a car and drove all the way to the moon!" said one of the boys.

"That's nothing!" said the other boy. "This morning, I went all the way to Pluto! By walking!"

"What are you two whippersnappers doing?" asked the old man.

"We found a $20 bill on the sidewalk," ...

The Artemis mission is a success, two astronauts land on the moon.

The astronauts are exploring the surface and collecting samples. The mission is going well, but one of the astronauts notices something strange in the distance.

"Hey, what's that thing on the ground?" the astronaut points.

They cannot make out what it is, so the two astronauts approac...

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

Neil Armstrong used to enjoy telling unfunny jokes about the moon.



When nobody laughed he paused and said, "I guess you had to be there."

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

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What do you call a black person on the moon?

An astronaut you racist bastard

Two blonds are sitting on a park bench at night looking at the moon...

One leans to the other and says "Which do you think is closer: Florida or the moon?"

The other blond says "Obviously the moon. You can't see Florida."

What do you say when your dog goes missing during a full moon?

Where wolf

Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd.

Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing.

TIL the American flag on the moon has turned into the French flag.

Due to solar radiation, the red and blue pigment has disappeared, leaving the flag to be completely white.

Why do wolves howl at the moon?

Cause they don’t know how to use cellphones.

A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him

'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.

The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;

'All of them'

'No just 3', replies the kid

'Damn it'

The father shakes his head in disappointment an...

Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

They sent a goose to the moon

The called it amoongoose

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Three reditt astronauts, American, Russian and Chinese go the moon on separate missions arriving at same time, what is one common thing they all say upon landing

"My tits are jacked"

Pete Townshend and Keith Moon were arrested last night after releasing 1000 pugs from a cosmetic company’s testing facility.

The Who let the dogs out.

What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

First woman on the Moon:

"Houston, we have a problem."
What?
"Never mind"
What's the problem?
"Nothing"
Please tell us?
"You know what the problem is."

How do you know when the moon is going broke?

When it's down to its last quarter.

My son identifies as a crescent moon.

I hope it's just a phase.

On the last mission to the moon, NASA set up a restaurant. It didn’t last very long.

The food was good, but there was no atmosphere.

Some astronauts wanted to have a New Year's party on the moon

But they didn't planet in time

SpaceX have developed a new type of rocket that can fly to the moon in record-breaking time.

It's a regular rocket, with "GME" written on it.

Under Kennedy, America went to the moon...

Under Trump, America can't even get to Canada.



Much love from Toronto, stay safe!

What's the moon's favorite gum?

Orbit.

I never drink beer with an orange slice in it.

Except once in a Blue Moon.

The moon landing was staged

The moon landing was staged and it was shot by Stanley Kubrick, the reason it looks so real is because of Kubrick's obsession with filming on location.

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In case of any apocalyptic scenarios, scientists want to store the DNA of millions of species of animals and plants in lava tubes of the moon

The DNA of any illicit substances will be kept in Uranus

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I hear NASA wants to put the DNA of 6.7 million species on the Moon.

That's a pretty big cum shot if you ask me.

Why does the moon raise and lower the tides over and over again?

It has to make shore

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A millionaire wants to marry a virgin.

He wants to marry a virgin and starts looking. He meets a beautiful woman, takes her on a date and at the end of it whips out his penis and asks "Ever seen one of these before?" She's shocked and says "No, never!" He is over the moon and immediately asks her to marry him. She agrees. 3 months later ...

What do you call a mad insect on the moon?

A Lunatic

What did the peanut say to the moon?

Nothing.. Peanuts don’t speak..



My 4 year old just told me this joke and I can’t stop laughing..

White flags

The American flags planted on the Moon by the Apollo astronauts have been exposed to high levels of UV rays for decades. This has bleached them pure white.

So now it looks like the French landed there.

Conspiracy theories are a lot like moon landings.

They're all fake

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