Why did the moon skip dinner?

It was full

Vladimir Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon. The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

Under Kennedy, America went to the moon...

Under Trump, America can't even get to Canada.



Much love from Toronto, stay safe!

Hi, I'm Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

How does the Moon cut his hair?

Eclipse it

I read about a new restaurant that opened up at the moon

the food is out of this world but theres zero atmosphere

Congratulations America. 51 years ago you landed on the moon!!!

Now you can’t even go to Canada.

"The moon is waning. Do you think it's sad?"

Nah, it's just going through a phase.

Two blondes in Las Vegas were sitting on a bench talking at night ... and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away ... Florida or the moon?"

The other blonde turns and says "Hellooooooo, can you see Florida?"

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.

A blonde and a lawyer are on a plane

And they’re sitting next to each other. The lawyer gets bored and decides to play a game.

He asks the blonde to join. The lawyer says “we’ll each ask each other a trivia question. If you get it right, you earn $5. If you get it wrong, the other person earns $5.”

Well, the blonde isn’t...

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Ladies. If your man is giving you both the moon and stars

You should be willing to sacrifice uranus

What do you call Dwayne Johnson on the moon?

A moon rock

I hear that the Government hired Stanley Kubrick to help film The Fake Moon Landing

But since Kubrick was such a perfectionist he forced the Government to film on location.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amore

When you suddenly squeal 'cause you stepped on an eel that’s a moray!

First woman on the Moon.

"Houston, we have a problem."


What?


"Never mind"


What's the problem?


"Nothing"


Please tell us?


"You know what the problem is."

What do you call a body of water on the moon?

Lunacy.

Astronomers got tired after watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours

So they called it a day

What did the peanut say to the moon?

Nothing.. Peanuts don’t speak..



My 4 year old just told me this joke and I can’t stop laughing..

An English man, Scottish man and Irish man go to the moon...

Once they get there the English man finds an apple, and the other two bet that he cannot throw it back to earth, he tries and completes his dare. When he gets back to earth he sees a little boy sitting on the side of the road crying. “Why are you crying little boy” asks the English man. “An apple ju...

Did you hear that NASA found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

What does the moon do when it needs a haircut?

Eclipse it.




Sorry, my son was studying science and saw this joke. He wanted me to share it. Apparently upping his dad joke skills early.

Ever wonder how the moon got craters?

3 words: Chuck Norris Golf.

Did you know that on the way to the Moon the Apollo 11 crew heard rock music coming from outside?

Mission Control confirmed they were passing through the Van Halen belts.

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Landing on the Moon

In 1969, in the months leading up to the Moon landing, the Apollo 11 astronauts trained in a remote moon-like desert in the western United States. One day as they were training, the astronauts came across an old Native American.


‘What are you doing here?’ the old man asked.


‘We...

The moon landing was obviously fake.

Like the moon is still up there, it didn’t land anywhere.

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Golden British humour!

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time & decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space.

Dr. Smith was a Psychiatrist
&
Dr. Jones was a Proctologist (related to colon, anus)


They put u...

How does the man on the moon get a haircut...

...eclipse it

Why do werewolves howl at the full moon?

It's right after a waxing phase

My son identifies as a crescent moon.

I hope it's just a phase.

What's grey, has four legs, howls at the moon, and eats cement?

A wolf. I threw in the cement to make it hard.

I saw a full moon last night.

My wife walked out of McDonald's.

When somebody says that the moon landing was faked

Always reply “pfffft, you believe in the moon”

The moon landing was staged

The rocket they used had multiple stages

Why are moon parties so damn boring?

Cuz there is no atmosphere!

Kim Jung Un: Pshhhhh. Walking on the moon? I can walk on the sun!

Kin Jung Un’s Advisor: Uh...Um....Mr-Mr Chairman? The sun is too hot you cannot go walk on the sun


Kim Jung Un: Then I’ll go at night!!


Trump watching this on Tv: He is such an idiot. There is no sun at night!

NASA is currently developing a way to grow cashews on the Moon's soil...

They're calling them Astro-nuts.

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An american, a german and an argentinian are sitting in a room.

The american, to assert dominance, out of nowhere says, "My country created the best space rocket, that got us to the moon first. That makes me better than you."

The german exclaims, "Ja, I clean my ass with your rockets." And he follows, "My country created tanks, an unbeatable force in bat...

It took a lot of work and thousands of hours from thousands of people, but the human race made sure to get to the moon by ‘69.

Nice.

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Everyone knows what Neil Armstrong said as he stepped onto the moon, but few people know what he said as he boarded the lander to take off- "Good luck Mr. Kowalski."

Years later when a biographer asked him about it, Armstrong told him about a time he heard his neighbors having a huge fight.

Mrs. Kowalski was really tearing into her husband, Neil could hear her yelling from clear across his yard. Curious, he snuck closer to the window of their house just ...

Shoot for the moon, if you miss you'll land among the stars is a good quote

Unless you're an astronaut.

If 2020 was a math problem.

You are flying over the desert at 180 KPH, You are flying Due north with the wind coming from the west at 40 KPH. The current is flowing at 30 knots due east. How many 20 lb watermelons will fill a football field during the full moon?

For me, the biggest problem about colonies on the Moon would be the restaurants there.

They would have no atmosphere

What's the difference between the moon and the female g spot

We have videos to prove that men have been to the moon

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What do you call a Black man on the moon

An astronaut.

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Moon River

Two guys are working the night shift at a funeral parlor when they get a call to pick up a body from a car wreck.

They go to the accident and bring the body back to the funeral home. It's now about 3AM so one guys wants to put the body on ice and get to work on him the next morning but the o...

You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer.

Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.

The USA’s greatest achievement wasn’t putting a man on the moon

It was putting a man on the moon and doing all the calculations in imperial units

A bass player dies and goes to hell

when he gets there, he’s surprised to find Keith Moon immediately greeting him.

“Hey man, you’ve gotta join our band. We’ve got Jimi Hendrix and Stevie Ray Vaughn on guitar, and Im on drums”

the bassist looks confused and says “wait, this is hell right? that sounds awesome!”

“we...

Do you think Neil was tired after flying to the Moon?

Probably not, that’s why they called him Armstrong

My friends believe that a full moon gives supernatural powers

but I think they're just lunartics

The Apollo mission crew planted an American flag on the moon, but UV radiation has since turned it completely white,

So now it’s a French flag.

What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon.

So the Apollo missions found insects on the moon.

Lunatics

NASA was preparing for the Apollo project

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are...

When you're trying to slingshot around Jupiter but you run out of fuel and end up on a collision course with one of Jupiter's moons...

Europa creek with no paddle.

I hope someone smiles at this dumb space joke.

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I once saw an Egyptian pharaoh honk his horn and put his bum cheeks up to the window of his vehicle.

It was a toot and car moon.

Walking on the moon was a leap

but playing jazz on the moon, that'd be some giant steps for mankind.

Why is the dark side of the moon dry?

Because the other side has all the moonshine

Do vegetarians prefer moons or asteroids?

Moons, because asteroids are are a little meteor.

(Made up for my kids today)
#dadjoke #sorry

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I met a girl in a bar once...

I asked her if she had ever had sex with a guy for drugs.

“Once every Blue Moon”, she replied.

I’ve never been one to judge, so I offered to buy her a drink.

“I’ll have another Blue Moon”, she said.

A farmer and a scientist are on a walk together

A farmer and a scientist are walking down a trail together. The scientist asks the farmer, "What is the distance from earth to the moon?" The farmer says he doesnt know. The scientist says,"Then you have wasted half of your life.". The two of them continue their walk with the scientist asking the fa...

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A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers…

"My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightily over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"...

Two blondes are driving to Miami for spring break

On a long boring stretch of highway they start complaining about how long it's taking to get there and the driver asks "What do you think is further away, Florida or the moon?" The passenger replies "Oh my God, you give blondes such a bad name. I can't believe how stupid you are, you can't even see ...

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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well" he said, "it could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door.

Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped do...

There's a lunar eclipse, and the Sun and Moon are aligned

The Moon says "Hello Mr Sun, I don't come across you very often!"

The Sun arrogantly turns his nose up and replies "Yes well, we move in different circles"

What do cowboys call midnight

High Moon

Why do moon rocks taste better than earth rocks?

Because they're meteor.

What do you call someone who turns into a building at the sight of the full moon?

A Werehouse

Neil Armstrong used to tell really bad jokes about walking on the Moon.

When nobody laughed he would follow with, "Ah well. I guess you had to be there."

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you do...

Do you know what it's called when you see the sun, the moon and the stars all at the same time?

Really good acid

A young man buys a brand-new bike

He is over the moon with his purchase. The salesman hands him a tiny jar of Vaseline before driving off, remarking: 'Be wary that your seat is made of 100% pure bison leather. Make sure to put vaseline on the seat, should it rain, otherwise the leather might crack.' The man thanks the salesman and r...

Elon Musk launched a cow to the moon. It landed so hard that a quarter of the moon got annihilated.

Moo.

How did Luke Skywalker get around the forest moon of Endor?

Ewoked.

Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

"A married couple are out one Night"

A married couple are out one night at a dance club. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large: break dancing, moon walking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says, "See that guy? Twenty years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." The husband says, "Looks like he...

If there's one thing the moon landing did it made household names out of 3 incredible, brave men

Neil Armstrong, Buzz Aldrin, and...the other guy.

3 astronauts flew to the moon. They couldn't land.

It was a full moon.

Dad, does the moon provide light and heat to support all life on Earth through the process of Nuclear fusion?

No sun.

When Trump said "We're going to put a man on the face of the moon" last night, he meant he wants his Space Force to laser-etch his face onto the moon

Get ready for Moont Rushmore

How do you know the moon is going Broke?

Because its down to its last quarter

My friend told me that they made a telescope so strong that it could see water on the moon!

I told him that was just Lunacy.

He then told me they spotted a flea on the moon,

I told him he was a Lunatic.

Scientists have found crazed bugs on the moon.

Lunar ticks

What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?

An Apocaclipse.

If there's a new moon

Then where does the old one go?

Did you hear they built a nightclub on the moon?

It's a far out location, but it lacks atmosphere.

Buzz Aldrin and Mike Collins were invited to the White House to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the moon landing...

Buzz got to enter the White House and meet with the president, but Mike had to spend the entire visit driving in circles around the White House.

Here my attempt to translate a Dutch joke in English

2 blond girls meet up. The first girl asks the other: "which is further away, the moon or Australia?" The other things about this long and hard and comes back with her answer after an hour: "the moon is closer, definitely the moon." "How come?" asks the first girl. "Well," says the other "we can see...

When does the moon shine the brightest?

When the tides in Alabama are still.

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Two friends are sitting out, under a full moon

One turns into a wolf, and the other one says "Holy shit, you're a wolf!"

And he replies "Yes, I am a were."

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What is it called when the moon is masturbating?

A wanking crescent.

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A Native American boy

A Native American boy asked his father a question. “Dad, how did my sister, Beautiful Sunrise, get her name?”

“Well, I opened the teepee door and saw a beautiful sunrise on the morning of her birth.”

“That’s good, but what about my brother, Big Moon?”

“Well, I opened the teepee ...

Kids Argue who’s dad is tallest!

Three kids showing off whos dad is tallest,

Kid 1 : my dad is as tall as empire state building.

Kid 2 : oh yeah? Well my dad is taller than the sky, even higher than the moon.

Kid 3: oh yeah? Does your dad reach and touch the planets up there?

Kid 2 : yeah of course
<...

Do you guys ever get your fingers stuck in beer bottles?

It happened to me once in a blue moon.

My wife just gave birth and she’s over the moon! I,on the other hand, plan to sue the surgeon who did my vasectomy.

Not once did he mention that a mixed race baby was a possible side effect!

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