Have you heard about the restaurant on the moon?

It’s got good food, but there’s no atmosphere.

What do you call your home under the full moon?

A warehouse!

How does a man on the moon get his hair done?

He eclipse it.

A shaolin disciple comes to his master for guidance.

A shaolin disciple of several years seeks out his master as he is in deep meditation, seeking enlightenment:

"Master, forgive my intrusion. But I require your aid. I have not managed to progress at my techniques for months now!"

After a moment of silence, the wise master calmly speaks...

What???

Three astronauts are sitting at a table,one from the us,one from russia,and one from Poland. The us astronaut says were going to Mars. The russian says we made it to the moon. The pole says were going to the sun. The other two astronauts say you cant land on the sun,you'll burn. Theres nothing to la...

Fake out clean jokes

Some of my favorite jokes are ones where the set-up sounds like it's going to be offensive, but the punch line takes it back to clean town. My top 3 examples:

I like my email passwords like I like my ladies... Same one for the last 10 years.

If it wasn't for the Arabs, we'd have never ...

When the moon hits your knees, and you mispronounce trees

Sycamore

What’s the different between science and religion?

Science flies you to the moon.

Religion flies you through buildings.

When the cow jumped over the moon...

Never have the steaks been so high.

The Halloween costume

A guy dressed in regular street clothes walks into a bar on Halloween and orders a beer. "I'm here for the costume party," he tells the bartender. The bartender looks him up and down, taking in his ordinary clothing and no makeup or wig. "What are you supposed to be?" the bartender asks. "I'm a were...

What did officials say after budget cuts forced them to cancel the last few moon missions?

We APOLLO-gize

How do we know the moon is hairless?

The moon spends half the month waxing!

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Ladies...If a man is willing to give you the Moon and the Stars....

You should be willing to sacrifice Uranus.

A teenager has a crush on a girl, and decides to ask her to the prom. The girls accepts, and the boy is over the moon.

Because he wants this night to be perfect, he decides he needs to dress his best, so, a couple of weeks before the prom he looks to rent a tuxedo.

When he gets to the store there are already people waiting in line, but he waits anyway, and gets his tuxedo.

He wants himself and his date...

Putin has boasted that Russia is planning to build a base on the moon

The idea is that astronauts will live there permanently. When they were asked if they really wanted to spend the rest of their lives in a barren, lifeless, empty landscape, the Russians said...

"No. That's why we want to go to the moon."

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The 7th planet should be a moon

Because it's Uranus.

(This is an unprovoked joke from my 7 year daughter who is drawing pictures of planets in her coloring book. I thought its was clever)

Astronomers got tired watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours.

They decided to call it a day.

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Remy the Chef Rat sits down on his therapist's couch.

His therapist says, "Remy, I haven't seen you in a while. How is everything going?"

Remy says "It's terrible. You know how I left my restaurant chef job to start my own brewpub? Well the health department just shut it down."

She says, "Oh no, Remy, that's horrible."

"And on top ...

A cloud, a lake and a mountain are having an argument...

>A cloud, a lake and a mountain are having a big argument, they are all yelling claiming each one is the greatest form of nature alive.

>To settle this, they come up with a little challenge: Who can kill the most humans with a single action.

>The cloud goes first.

>W...

A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him

'Father, father look' , the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly ' The Americans have gone to the moon '.

The farmer drops his plough and asks excitedly ;

'All of them'

'No just 3', replies the kid

'Damn it'

The father shakes his head in disappointment an...

Did you hear that NASA found bones on the moon?

The cow didn't make it.

[Posting cause randomly remembered it. Sorry if repost.] 2 friends were talking while having a drink together

Friend 1: my grandpa had a barnhouse so big, if you put a calf through one end, by the time it came out the other end it would be a full grown cow.

Friend 2: my grandpa had a bamboo so big he could move the clouds out of his way so he could see the moon and the stars at night.

Friend 1...

NASA is getting transmission from their moon mission astronauts

"Houston, we have a problem. Russians just landed on the moon."

"It's OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians."

"Houston, we have a problem. Russians started to paint moon red."

"It's OK, continue your mission, ignore the Russians."

"Houston, we have a problem. Hal...

What do you call a guy who can lift the moon?

Neil Arm**strong**…
.
.
.
yeh i know that wasn’t good

The Superman 2 movie and a documentary about the Moon Landing had accidently been scheduled at the same time for the Lunar Background part of the movie lot. They argued about who should get to use it first, but then they remembered:

Neil before Zod.

Why was the cow arrested for jumping over the moon?

Because it broke the laws of physics!!

(my son says he made this up himself!! can't find it anywhere else so maybe....)

What happens when you put a bunch of cardboard boxes in your house during a full moon?

You make it a warehouse

Buzz Aldrin is a man who demands respect. I saw him speak a while ago and he said “I’m the second guy to walk on the moon...”

“Neil before me”

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.




The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and e...

Grammerly

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a miracle man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, ha...

We really should look into colonizing Mars and other planets or moons

If you look at the studies, 100% of deaths occur here on earth.

What do you say when your dog goes missing during a full moon?

Where wolf

Joseph and jack were hanging out at night

Jack : "so joseph , do you know what's closer, the moon or Mexico?"

Joseph: "of course, its the moon"

Jack: "Wait what"

Joseph: "Can you see mexico from here ,smartass"

Did you hear they found a pushpin on the largest moon of Saturn?

Thats right,
A tac on Titan

Yo mamma so ugly

She looked out the window and got arrested for mooning.

Why did the cow travel to the moon?

To checkout the Milky Way.

What do you call a blood-sucking arachnid on the moon?

A lunar tick.

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Another Little Johnny joke...

Johnny's teacher is asking trivia questions in class, and letting whoever answers them correctly go home early. One day, she asks, "Who was the first President of the United States?"

Before Johnny can even raise his hand, Billy says, "George Washington!"

"That's correct, Billy," teach...

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The Canoe

Two plump women were leaving a bar after a night of some heavy drinking. The full moon shone in a cloudless sky. They had gone a few blocks and were about to cross a small bridge when one of them said she needed to take a dump.

"It's only a few more blocks, you can hold it."

"No I can'...

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There are no boobs at the moon

That’s why we stopped going there.

The Artemis mission is a success, two astronauts land on the moon.

The astronauts are exploring the surface and collecting samples. The mission is going well, but one of the astronauts notices something strange in the distance.

"Hey, what's that thing on the ground?" the astronaut points.

They cannot make out what it is, so the two astronauts approac...

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A Best Man at a wedding

Notices that the groom is incredibly happy. “I know that you are happy for your wedding day, but you seem incredibly ecstatic. Why?”


“My bride to be just snuck into my room while I was getting into my tux, and she gave me the most incredible blow job. I am about to marry the most amazing ...

How do know there's no hair on the moon?

The moon waxes 14 times a month!

The flag on the moon.

The flag on the moon is fading from the constant exposure to the sun. My grandfather said "Great in a few more years people are going to think the French landed there. "

“I am Buzz Aldrin, the second man to step on the moon.”

“Neil before me.”

I told my friends I was a blood sucking insect from the moon

they said I was a luna tick.

If we had a civilization on the moon and someone committed murder, would the punishment still be the same?

I mean, I would think the gravity of the situation would be way less, ya know?

Why do wolves howl at the moon?

Cause they don’t know how to use cellphones.

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Old Man Overboard

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat, watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old man overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find him, so the captain sent the old woman back to shore with the pro...

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The incredible trainer

It was a busy day at the bar. A lot of costumers were enjoying their breakfast. Until the door slammed open.
A shady trench coat with an almost as shady wearer appeared in the doorframe, a big bulge in both pockets. He approached the counter, as silent as the entire bar, exchanging glares with ...

Neil Armstrong used to enjoy telling unfunny jokes about the moon.



When nobody laughed he paused and said, "I guess you had to be there."

There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse...

... He heard a noise, so he looked inside. Lo and behold, there was an Indian down in the hole. The cowboy said, "How long have you been down there in that awful hole?" The Indian replied, "Many moons."

They sent a goose to the moon

The called it amoongoose

Why is the moon so grumpy?

It's just going through one of its phases

I really doubt Canada will invest significantly in space exploration, but I’ll believe it if they...

...show me the moon, eh!

Some aliens in a flying saucer offered to fly me to the moon

But they wouldn't let us land because the moon was full.

I’m currently obsessed with the Moon

Although I think it’s just a phase

It's my cake day and I don't know any new jokes so. Here are some old jokes I use to love as a kid

1. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back?
Answer = A stick.

2. What does a cloud wear under his raincoat?
Answer = Thunderwear.

3. Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor. What did one say to the other?
Answer = Dill with it.

4. What time is it when the...

One small step for Man

A friend of Neil Armstrong said when you landed on the moon,
in all the excitement, how the hell did you come up with that great saying …

One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind?

Just Amazing to be able to come up with that, on the spur of the moment!

Neil said i d...

Why are moon rocks tastier than earth rocks?

Because they’re meteor!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

People always say, "I love you to the moon and back."

That's not really that far. The moon is only 238,900 miles away.
Uranus, on the other hand, is 1.7 billion miles away.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young Native boy walks up to the cheif of his tribe...

...and asks, "Cheif, you how do you come up with the names for newborn children?"

The old Cheif is silent, looking at the boy in thought for a moment. Finally he says:

"After the child is delivered I step outside and name them after the first thing I see. For instance, if it's night, t...

The farmer and the pigs

A farmer, struggeling through deression, is sitting in a bar talking to his neighbour: "I have no Idea to survive,I own 25 sows but no boar. And I can't afford to buy one or arrange a fertilization. If I'd be able to breed piglets, i could sell them and make money.." The neigbour sais: " No Problem,...

A blonde, brunette, and redhead are talking about where they would go if they were astronauts.

The brunette says "the Moon. The Redhead says "Mars". The Blond says "The Sun." When the other two girls say she can't go to the sun as she'd get incinerated, she replies with "I'd go at night, duh!"

Two blonds are sitting on a park bench at night looking at the moon...

One leans to the other and says "Which do you think is closer: Florida or the moon?"

The other blond says "Obviously the moon. You can't see Florida."

Why does the moon raise and lower the tides over and over again?

It has to make shore

I wonder if the Earth . . .

Makes fun of the Moon for having no life.

There once was a man named Ulf, and he was the meanest Viking in all the land.

Time after time he proved his temperament, and so obnoxious was he that the world knew him as Rude Ulf.

Despite his prowess, the village soon found him unbearable, and even his mother had not a kind thing to say.

Amidst pleas and cries for Rude Ulf’s exile, the chief gave him an ultima...

Two blondes are walking and one asks, “ which is closer, the moon or Mississippi?” And the other responds, “duh...

... can you see Mississippi?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sherlock Holmes and Watson are laying in their sleeping bags looking up at the midsummer sky.

Sherlock turns to Watson and asks, “Watson, what do you see?”
“Stars and the moon, dear Holmes,” he says.
“What does it mean?” Sherlock asks.
“Well,” says Watson. “It quite simply means that there are billions of gaseous balls burning millions of light years away.”
“No, what does it MEAN...

I asked my bartender if he had ever tried putting sliced oranges in a beer.

He replied, “Once in a blue moon.”

A woman’s garden is growing beautifully but the tomatoes won’t ripen. She goes to her neighbor and says, ”Your tomatoes are ripe, mine are green. What can I do about it?”

Her neighbor replies, ”Well, it may sound absurd but here’s what to do. Tonight there’s no moon. After dark go out into your garden and take all your clothes off. Tomatoes can see in the dark and they’ll be embarrassed and blush. In the morning they’ll all be red, you’ll see.”

She says Well, ...

I have a friend who was obsessed with the moon.

Lunar cycles, werewolf lore, eclipse dates, he knew all about them and then some. The really strange part was he focused solely on the moon in this way, no other part of space.

Made him easy to shop for though. Werewolf movies, moon pies, he'd love them just for being tangentially connected t...

How do you know when the moon is going broke?

When it's down to its last quarter.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black person on the moon?

An astronaut you racist bastard

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson decide to go camping.

They pack their camping gear into the car and drive into the countryside. After a long drive and a light dinner they pitch their tent, climb inside, and are soon fast asleep in their sleeping bags.

In the middle of the night Sherlock shakes Watson awake. He points to the full moon and says, "...

Husband goes with his wife to her high school reunion

After meeting several of her friends and former school mates, they are sitting at a table where he is yawning and overly bored.

The band cranks up and people are beginning to dance. There's a guy on the dance floor living it large, break dancing, moon walking, back flips, buying drinks for p...

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Three reditt astronauts, American, Russian and Chinese go the moon on separate missions arriving at same time, what is one common thing they all say upon landing

"My tits are jacked"

What do you call a mad insect on the moon?

A Lunatic

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Why, what, who?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does...

Pete Townshend and Keith Moon were arrested last night after releasing 1000 pugs from a cosmetic company’s testing facility.

The Who let the dogs out.

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In case of any apocalyptic scenarios, scientists want to store the DNA of millions of species of animals and plants in lava tubes of the moon

The DNA of any illicit substances will be kept in Uranus

Did you hear that the CIA hired Stanley Kubrick to fake the Moon landings?

He was such a perfectionist, he made them film on location.

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Oh, Little Johnny

Little Johnny's teacher began the school year by announcing a new contest. Every Friday, 30 minutes before the final bell, she would ask the class a question. The first student to answer it right could leave early, and the rest of the class would take a quiz.

The first Friday, the teacher a...

Did you hear that Keith Moon, Peter Townshend, Roger Daltrey and John Entwistle

Broke into a puppy mill and stole confiscated all the animals?

The Who let the dogs out.

SpaceX have developed a new type of rocket that can fly to the moon in record-breaking time.

It's a regular rocket, with "GME" written on it.

Is it a solar or lunar eclipse where the sun passes in front of the moon?

Neither. That would be the apoca-clipse.

Few years ago I saw Slim Shady in concert and instead of rapping he just kept pulling his pants down and mooning the crowd.

Honestly the whole thing was just Em bare assing.

What's the moon's favorite gum?

Orbit.

If you start the Dark Side of the Moon by Pink Floyd and the passion of the Christ at the same time the scenes don’t match up at all

It turns out Jesus was more of a nine inch nails guy

The moon is basically a walmart sun

it reflects the behavior of the original product, but it just isn't the same

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I hear NASA wants to put the DNA of 6.7 million species on the Moon.

That's a pretty big cum shot if you ask me.

Got stopped by police last night. They asked me if I had a police record

Yes, walking on the moon from 1979

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On my last day of high school I mooned my teacher

Now she’s suing me for sexual hairy-assment

On day four of Creation, God was busy putting up all the celestial bodies.

He made the fertile Earth, and its moon, and went around conjuring up all the different planets of the solar system. He made Saturn and looked upon it. As he examined it, he was taken aback. He realized that it was very, very good.

He decided he liked it, so he put a ring on it.

NASA was experimenting with animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

On the last mission to the moon, NASA set up a restaurant. It didn’t last very long.

The food was good, but there was no atmosphere.

Some astronauts wanted to have a New Year's party on the moon

But they didn't planet in time

I asked my Chinese friend if he saw the beautiful moon last night

He said, "no, it was waning."

A very fine looking lady coming out of the washroom approached the bartender, smiling as she came closer to him.

When she came up to him she started to bite her lips in a very seductive manner and signalled him to come closer with her hands. The excited bartender was over the moon. She started to run her hands across his hair and caress his face. He was confused but also very turned on. Then she became even mo...

What do Michael Jackson and USA have in common?

They both desperately wanted to be white. And the last great thing they did was a moon walk.

How often should you put an orange slice in your beer?

Once, in a Blue Moon.

Two drunk people are walking down a road.

The first one says, "What a beautiful night...look at that bright, full moon." The second man stops and looks at his drunk friends. "You fool, that's the sun, not the moon", he mumbles. Soon, they start arguing.

As they are arguing, they pass by another drunk man. They both stop his ask him,...

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When the new school year started, the history teacher was very excited because there were three Native American boys in her class.

She was beside herself with excitement. She asked the first boy to stand up and tell the class what tribe he is from and how he knows this.

The little boy stands up and proudly throws out his chest. He takes his fist and hits his chest, and says in a booming voice "I am a Cherokee. My father ...

When I die

I’m going to get put in a rocket and be launched into the moon. That way my descendants can look at the crash site and see the impact I’ve made.

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Immortal porpoises

One day Timmy has had enough. He is completely burned out, so he decides to use his saved up vacation days to go hiking in the mountains. He packs his tent and all his camping gear, and starts driving.

After many hours of driving he finialy arrives. He puts his backpack on his back and hea...

Lone ranger

So the Lone ranger is being held prisoner by Indians and will be burned alive in 3 moons. So the chief asks its customary to grant your last 3 wishes. So the lone ranger says let me talk to my horse silver. He whispers in his ear and off runs the horse he comes back an hour later with with a beautif...

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Discordian Enlightenment

A serious young man found the conflicts of mid 20th Century America confusing. He went to many people seeking a way of resolving within himself the discords that troubled him, but he remained troubled.

One night in a coffee house, a self-ordained Zen Master said to him, "Go to the dilapidated...

One blonde says to another blonde, which is further away Florida or the moon?

The other blonde replies, well dah. Can you see Florida from here.

Did you see the Chinese flag on the moon?

There are children all over China bragging they sewed it.

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