UPJOKE
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Have you heard about the film they're making, where Dallas gets destroyed by space junk?

Debris Does Dallas.

I can’t wait until we colonize space

And then it’s two worlds one cup.

An astronaut flies in his space shuttle

And after flying for a while he stops at the nearest gas station in space to fill up. Once he’s done he asks the cashier where the nearest bar is. The cashier respond with “if you just go over to the next moon, you’ll find it. It’s called The Keyboard.” The astronaut thanks the cashier and leaves. O...

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What do you call the space between the vagina and asshole?

The chin rest

Why is space so cold?

Because we have all the space heaters down here.

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Space Tourism

One of the car hire companies was looking at diversification, to be able to better cope in the next pandemic.

They started getting interested in the space tourism market, currently dominated by companies such as Blue Origin, Virgin Galactic and SpaceX. They needed a hook to make them stand o...

Why is the internet so bad in outer space?

It’s 0 g

Einstein asks his wife what she needed from him. She replied, “Just two things, space and time.”

Einstein: “Ok, what’s the 2nd thing?”

Why did the James Webb telescope have to go a million miles out into space?

So it can see past your mom.

Guy is backing out of a parking space and accidentally hits a car behind him

Guy who’s car got hit says “even I’m better than you at pulling out, and I got 3 kids!”

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.


Dolly takes off her top and says, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever c...

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

What do you call a Mexican in space?

An astronaut you racist

The UK just passed a law so that corporations have to post earnings statements in public spaces to be accessible, like in parks, metro stations, high-density residential areas...

And the words of the profits are written on the subway walls and tenement halls.

Yuri Gagarin returned from space and Khrushchev asked him a question: "While you were up there, did you see god?"

Yuri replied: "Yes."

"That's what I suspected, but don't tell anybody."

Gagarin traveled to Rome and met the Pope, who asked him a question: "While you were up there, did you see god?"

Yuri replied: "No."

"That's what I suspected, but don't tell anybody."

I hate it when my fellow astronauts eject me into space without a suit.

It makes my blood boil.

The Polish government is planning a manned space mission to the sun

When asked if they are afraid the mission will end in disaster, they responded, “no, we are not worried, we are going at night “.

(Credit the late great norm mcdonald)

King Charles will not make as many foreign visits as Queen Elizabeth did.

Because the Queen could go any distance but the King can only move one space at a time.

What do you get when you cross a duck with a small space

Sduck

One astronaut says to another. I can’t find any milk for my coffee

The other astronaut replies “In space no one can. Here, use cream”

What is it called when a space ranger dies?

Unfortunaut

What kind of tea you can not have in Space ?

Gravity.

Me: Mom, you're invading my personal space

Mom: Well, you came out of my personal space, so that makes us even.

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You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

Einstein: I finally finished my theory about space.

Mrs. Einstein: It’s about time.

Einstein: Wow! How did you know that?

My Hispanic friend keep telling me that NASA always have sent chicken propelled rockets to space

Look at all the "Apollo" missions, he say

What do you call a tangled rope on International Space Station?

Astroknot

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

4 things that can be seen from space

1. The Eiffel Tower
2. Mount Everest
3. Pyramids of Giza
4. President Volodymyr Zelenskyy's massive balls

What do visitors to the International Space Station have to do before boarding?

Pay the parking meteor.

If you murder someone in space

Are you above the law?

Why do strip malls love renting space to Chinese restaurants?

Because they’re lo mein tenants.

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

Why are rocks from space more delicious than rocks from Earth?

Because they're meatier.

I don't know what to do with all my extra counter space in my bathroom!

Guess I'll go get a girlfriend.

Did you hear about the new restaurant in space?

The food was pretty good but it felt like there was no atmosphere.

Need some space....

I asked her for some space, she got me an external hard drive.

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day...

I went to an I.T.-themed restaurant the other day. It had motherboards on the walls, the placemats looked like keyboards, the cutlery had USB sticks for handles, you get the idea. But the waitstaff seemed sad. Really, really sad. The host was sighing as we walked to my table – he was a web developer...

The butcher

Once there was a man in a small town who decided that he wanted to be a butcher, so he bought a small store and started his own butcher shop. It was a very modest store, consisting of only a couple display cabinets, a meat grinder, and a few shelves in the refrigerator. This man quickly became known...

What do you call an astronauts favourite part in the computer

>!SPACE BAR !<

Women are like car parking spaces.

All the good ones are taken, but if no one’s looking, stick it in a disabled one.

Everyone knows the Russians sent a dog to space, but lesser known is the mission where they sent a cow.

The mission went terribly and everyone involved, including the cow was sworn to secrecy. He was a cows-moo-not.

Spaces between ladder rings have gradually been increasing over the years.

Manufacturers claim its due to climb it change.

Yo mama so fat...

that when she went to space, she didn't experience weightlessness.

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all it takes is one short space...

And the therapist has become the rapist.

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The black sponge

One day Little Johnny (who was only 4 years old at the time) was taking a shower with his mother when all of a sudden, he noticed the space between his mother’s legs.

\- “Mum what’s that black spot between your legs?” he asked her, to which she replied

\- “Oh Johnny that’s just my lit...

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The emperor of Persia wanted the best bodyguard in the world.

So he sent messengers throughout all the lands on the globe encouraging the nations to send their best warriors to come to his palace and compete for this prestigious title. After weeks of intense competition, the candidate pool was reduced to the last three competitors. Each had earned the honor o...

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space

“Lord”, he prays, ”I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”

The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, “Actually never mind, I’ve found one.”

Winter is Coming...

I just saw 2 meth heads carry a space heater out of a pawn shop.

What did the flat-earther say after finally seeing the earth from space?

Half of the so-called “continents” are missing.

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they're sticking to ...

Ukrainian cleaning his pistol

It's 1961, and a Ukrainian is cleaning his pistol. His son runs into the room shouting: "Daddy, daddy, Russians have gone to space!" The man stops cleaning his pistol. "What, all of them?" "No, just one!" The man grumbles & continues cleaning the pistol.

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In light of „jewish“ space lasers

1939
A Jewish man was sitting in the New York Metro reading a german newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be in the same subway , noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him and said:

'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a nazi newspaper?'...

What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?

One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

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What do you call the space between 2 artificial breasts?

Silicone Valley......

I'll leave and close the door behind me

You know what you can't see from space?

The Chinese wall. That's fake news.


But you know what you can see from space? Selenskyj's huge balls

I visited the Air and Space Museum

...but there was nothing there.

Did you hear about the Scottish Space Agency mission to land on the sun?

They went at night to make sure it wouldn't be too hot

If you get sick in space

Are you really under the weather?

Why does a space rock make the best rock soup?

# Because its a little meteor.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space!

An astronaut makes coffee

It's an astronaut's first day on the ISS and he's making himself a cup of coffee. He says to a colleague:

"Huh I can't find the milk"

And the other astronaut replies:

"In space no one can, here, use cream"

A man is looking for a parking space...

And, starting to get desperate, he prays to God. "Oh lord, deliver unto me a parking space, and I swear devoutly to give up all my sinful vices, and go to church weekly."

The clouds part and a ray of sun shines down on the only empty parking space. Overjoyed, the man continues.

"Neverm...

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Being a teenager is the worst. I've jerked off more than I've studied.

Which is ironic. One of then requires you to clear up space, look up the material, make sure theres no distractions around you and focus.

....and the other ones studying.

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Why are Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson so excited for space?

They’ve fucked almost everyone on our planet and want one last shot at Uranus.

Due to the lack of space, the city morgue and the comedy club will be in the same building

This Friday is open Mike night.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I

also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces..

Telescopes use mirrors

Therefore we could be looking at space vampires and we'd never know it.

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A student raising their hand during a crowded final exam of their master’s degree

“Yes. What is your question?”
The student reposes.
“ Sir, I would like confirmation of the current assignment. You have placed 80% of our grade onto a single true or false question?”

The teacher replies. “Yes, absolutely I have. There is nothing more to teach you. The only thing that I ...

Cosmological loser

n. A person who is a waste of both space and time. .

Why can’t you live at the end of the universe?

Not enough space

What do you call the combination of Tesla, SpaceX, and The Boring Company?

3Musketeers

Jokes Bus

A man boards a bus, to his surprise it is full of r/jokes users. He finds an empty space and settles in.

He quickly finds out a pattern to the ongoing conversations. One person stands up and shouts a number - Two hundred and sixty one!! Everyone starts laughing. Another person stands up as th...

What did Canada contribute to the James Webb Space Telescope mission?

All the apologies for all the delays.

How do space travelers stay awake on the long journeys across the galaxy?

Do some light speed.

If I needed to climb something and I had to choose between a rope with knots in it or some parallel boards with spaced rungs...

I'd choose the latter.

Two other guys pulled out from going on space flight tomorrow with William Shatner

Right after they were issued red shirts for the mission.

Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars?

Because if he chose SpaceY he’d land on 14 year old boys.

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

Orion's belt is a huge waste of space.

Terrible joke, only three stars.

Girlfriend messaged me: "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

What does 'ternative' mean?

How do astronauts keep warm in a vacuum?

They bring a space heater

Why can't you send a duck to space?

Because the bill would be astronomical.

How do you throw a space party?

You planet.

Apparently, astronauts grow up to two inches in space.

I never knew they were so minute.

Why has no electrician ever gone to the International Space Station?

They don't think it's safe. None of the wiring runs to ground.

My Scottish girlfriend said she needed more space.

She wasn’t too thrilled when I surprised her at work with habaneros.

My friend sent me a link to download the images from the James Webb Telescope.

I told him I would download them, but I don’t have space on my phone.

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

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The Tin Man's Record Collection

I was in Oz visiting the Tin Woodsman' and I discovered his large record collection, I asked if I could flip through it. Awkwardly he said I could but warned me that he was ashamed of it. I shrugged it off and began flipping through, he had an album by every band I could think of, Stones, yup. Skyny...

I can't believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts...

Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit **too** seriously?

How much space do you need to grow your own vegetables?

Allotment.

Based on Lebron's acting skills, I suspect Space Jam 2...

Will be a flop.

I went to an event in space. It was bogus

Guess they didn’t planet well.

"An early human" and "A nearly human" are spelled the same except for how you use the space bar.

They never thought of that, which makes us superior.

What do you call J.K Rowling when she goes to space?

Astro TERF

What did one space station say to the other?

You know what? I don’t like your attitude.

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

What do you call an NCO in the Space Force?

A stargeant

A San Francisco cop sees a well dressed man lying in the street by the curb...

... He asked the man "What happened to you?"

The man replied "My wife and I were walking down the street and found a parking space. She went to buy a car while I hold the space."

Recently a wine aged in space was put up for sale

I wanted to buy it, but the price was astronomical.

What’s the most popular reality tv show viewed by the crew of Deep Space Nine?

Keeping up with the Cardassians

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