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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dol...

If Britain leaves EU, how much space will be freed up?

1 GB

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It was recently announced that on July 20th, Jeff Bezos and his brother will launch into space on one of his Blue Origin spacecraft

If nothing else, now they will know what it’s like to piss in a bottle

Stephen Hawkings' last paper on space is finally going to published posthumously...

It's about time too.

Recently a wine aged in space was put up for sale

I wanted to buy it, but the price was astronomical.

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space

“Lord”, he prays, ”I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”

The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, “Actually never mind, I’ve found one.”

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

I visited the National Air and Space Museum.

I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.

There are 2 astronauts in space.

The first says "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

The second says "in space, no-one can. Here, use cream"

(Saying it aloud helps)

#Tip your waitresses!

I really doubt Canada will invest significantly in space exploration, but I’ll believe it if they...

...show me the moon, eh!

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What do you call a donkey in space?

An ass-tronaut

We were travelling far far away in space. Moving through time faster than the universe itself.

But i still got a traffic ticket in the mail.

A company owner was asked a question,

How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

You wouldn't be able to be a comedian in space

Because there is no atmosphere

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In light of „jewish“ space lasers

1939
A Jewish man was sitting in the New York Metro reading a german newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be in the same subway , noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him and said:

'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a nazi newspaper?'...

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What do you call a black man in space?

An astronaut you goddamn racist. What else would you call him?

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The Italian math challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

LGBTQ+ lives are like objects that have mass and occupy space

they matter

[while new car shopping] Customer: "Cargo space?"

Salesman: "Car no do that. Car go road."

Why do astronauts use apple computing systems in space?

Because they can't open windows

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

NASA received the bill from SpaceX for sending astronauts into space and they were shocked to see that it was nearly 3 billion dollars

They phoned Elon Musk and explained that they thought SpaceX wouldn't be charging to send astronauts into space.

Elon Musk responded by saying, 'there's no such thing as a free launch'

Einstein developed a theory about space...

And it was about time too.

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

Did you hear about the astronaut whose request to bring an orange on the space shuttle was declined?

It was a fruitless Endeavor

I found a parking lot with only two spaces

It’s really a parking little.

They developed a toilet for the space station for two reasons:

Number one, and, of course, number two.

I have a space pun

But i need a little more time to planet

What's the difference between a pork chop and a small rock entering Earth's atmosphere from space?

One's meaty, but the other is a little meteor.

Orion's belt is a big waist of space.

Terrible joke, only three stars.

Cargo Space

So, a man goes into a car dealership. He asks the dealer, "cargo space?". The dealer replies "car no do that. car go road."

Star Wars names are just regular words if you put a random space somewhere:

Mos Quito

Que Sadilla

Scu Bagear

Syn Tax

Rev Erse

Mala Mute

Trypto Phan

Cano Nical

Impo Tent

Slee Papnea

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What has 3 balls and floats through outer space?

E.T., The Extra Testicle

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If time and space were hot girls, you could only fuck Space

Because Time is relative.

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Why are there no churches in space?

Without gravity there can be no mass.

How did Marjorie Taylor Greene find out about the secret Jewish Space Laser?

It Torah hole in the atmosphere!

What do you call an NCO in the Space Force?

A stargeant

NASA was experimenting with animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...

He turns to his crewmate and says:
"Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."

I can at least tell you how Space Force organizes a party

They planet

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What kind of pet shop is this?

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

What do you call a Mexican space chicken?

Apollo.

Why did the space rock eat the hamburger?

It wanted to be meteor.

NASA has been sending animals to space.

They started with a cow and a pig.
But the rocket failed at takeoff and ejected both animals.
The pig was disintegrated on the way back down the earth but the cow survived and landed safely on earth.
At the the press briefing reporters asked the NASA scientists how the cow survived and pig...

What’s the Wi-Fi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

OK, I’ll have a Coke.

Bartender: Three dollars.

There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase.

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

What does a stoner do when he sees a space man?

He parks in it, man.

Q: What's a space pirate's favorite planet?

A: mArrrs!

When I asked my wife to describe me in 5 words, she said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

I wanted to buy the latest telescope so I could see outer space

but the cost was astronomical.

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Dolly Parton and Princess Diana pass away on the same day.

They arrive at the pearly gates at the very same time.

Saint Peter is waiting in judgment. With both women vying for entry, St. Peter announces, “Ladies, I only have one more space in Heaven today. You’ll have to prove you’re worthy.”

Dolly Parton laughs and says “No problem, Pete!” ...

Where do typist go for a drink?

To the space bar

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

because he wanted space

What do you call a lazy space explorer?

A procrastronaut

Did you hear about China's new space program?

I hear it's going to be a Long March.

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What do you use if you want a thicc and muscular butt in space?

Asteroids

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Girl, you got me so into outer space

I can see my self in Uranus.

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What is it called when someone cums in space?

Astronut.

I have a friend who was obsessed with the moon.

Lunar cycles, werewolf lore, eclipse dates, he knew all about them and then some. The really strange part was he focused solely on the moon in this way, no other part of space.

Made him easy to shop for though. Werewolf movies, moon pies, he'd love them just for being tangentially connected t...

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A man frantically enters the bank and runs to the nearest female teller

Man: I want to open a fucking bank account

Teller: Excuse me sir?

Man: I want to open a bank account, right the fuck now

Teller: Sir please watch your language, this is a public space

Man: I don't think you understand woman, I NEED to open a fucking bank account!

T...

For Christmas, I asked Mariah Carey if I could get her a big open space to park her cars, but she declined

She said “I don’t want a lot for Christmas”

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My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

Taxi

A drunk guy stops a taxi and opens the door,

"You have space for 10 beer and a whole chicken" he asks the driver

"Sure" the driver replies

"Ok" answers the drunk guy and pukes in the car.

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?

The short answer is technically speaking it can stand on its own but it is very unstable. In order to keep something standing you need the center of gravity of the object to be within its points of contact with the ground. With only 2 points of contact with the ground, that space is a very small pla...

A man travelled to the future to see how he died.

Past man followed himself through the timeline (without being noticed) to find the day he died.

He then followed himself around town to see how he died.

First, future man went to the bank. He withdrew some money and got on his way.

Next, he got on a train to get somewhere else....

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A Science-Minded Deviant

There's this scientist that loves dolphins. He loves dolphins so much, he wants to figure out a way to make them live forever. For years he slaves away in his basement laboratory, and he believes that he has found a compound that when given to dolphins, will make them live forever. The only probl...

Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space.

It was a cat astro fee.

The Alien Visitors

The Alien space craft landed and was met by dignitaries from all nations.

The Ambassador from another galaxy approached the podium and began his speech. He had an odd western accent to his voice as he said. "Humans of earth ; we have been monitoring your transmissions for some time, and some ...

How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?

He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

How do potatoes get to space?

Using the starch ship enterfries

A son says to his mum "When i get older i want to be shot into space" His mum says..

"If your father had done what he was told, you would have been"....

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

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What do you call the ejaculate of a Russian Space-man?

Cosmonut

I was cleaning one of my finger guns.

I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Why did the space rock break up?

It couldn’t comet.

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

Cannot get milk for my coffee, in space.

Once their Crew Dragon craft made it to safely to space, and they were headed toward the International Space Station, Bob Behnken completed some reports and then decided to have a cup of coffee. Well, a pouch of coffee anyway. Still, it was coffee, and thanks to SpaceX's desire to make space trave...

Women are like parking spaces

All the good ones are taken so when no ones looking you put it in a disabled one

Just this week an American astronaut voted from space...

Too bad her vote doesn't carry the same weight.

What did the space alien tell Franz Schubert?

"Take me to your Lieder!"

(Pun from my kid nephew): How do you have a party in outer space?

Planet

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Why is it a bad idea to shoot a porno in space?

Because in space, no one can hear you cream.

What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon.

Biology tell me you're 70% water. Physics tells me that you're 99.99% empty space. Chemistry tells me that you're 60% oxygen.

But I'm telling you that you're a 100% CUTIE!!!

In the 60s, the Russians and the Americans were competing for the best space program

They both were determined to prove they had the greatest minds, the greatest technology. In one example, the Americans spent almost a million USD just to invent a no-gravity pen. They put their best minds to work, and came up with putting a small CO2 pressure cartridge into the back of the ink tub...

Apparently the first dog in space died of stress

It was probably because of the vacuum

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

What’s the most intense moment in history?

When the mission to take the first cow into space commenced.

The steaks had never been higher.

My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space

We don't seem to have established a functional continuum

Are we even watching the same movie?!

One thing I’ll never do again is watch a movie with a genius. You, me, us normal people, have a thing called suspension of disbelief. When we watch a Harry Potter movie we don't get lost when they shoot lighting out of their little wand. We're in, we get it. Magic. Got it! Light up the screen! I'm i...

I spent the morning by thoroughly coating the ladder that leads into my roof space with grease.

Its an anti-climb attic story.

What did Trump say when he was told there were Brazilian astronauts in space?

Another Trump record. No one has ever heard of this many astronauts in Space.

Not only should masks be mandatory in public spaces

But womandatory and childrendatory too

Despite space being a Vacuum

Mars is really Dusty

Potatoes in space

So Russia decided to launch a satellite full of potatoes into orbit to see what would happen.
Apparently it’s called the SPUNDnic

What do you call a body-enhancing drug from space?

A steroid.

Why did the Americans win the space race?

Because the soviets were Stalin.

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

How do space cowboys wrangle their cattle?

A tractor beam

Why don’t spaceships have bars?

In space, a hole in the wall would kill everyone.

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I really don't like tight spaces.

That's why I shag your mum.

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Choose a new password

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

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I never understood how Ty Lee joined the Kyoshi warriors at the end of Avatar.

That's like if the United States hired Nazi rocket scientists to work on our space program after WW2 ended.

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Me: "i'm terrified of those big empty spaces people yell into."

Therapist: "A void."

Me: "Good advice, thank you."

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

The earth travels through space at 660,000 miles per hour.

And I get six points for going 33 in a 30 zone.

How much space would a single, fun guy need for his new apartment?

mushroom!

NASA had a supply of rib eye on the last flight to the international space station to see how meat cooked in space. They called it their most important mission.

Because the steaks were never higher.

I think it would be pretty simple to send 5G conspiracy theorists to space

Just tell them there's Zero G

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