In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and completely ruined our bath.

What do you call deer in space?

Star bucks.

"Orions belt is a big waist of space"

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars

How much space will open up when Great Britain leaves the EU?

1 GB.

You know Orion's Belt? Waist of space.

I know, I know, not a great joke Three stars.

Thanks to @mindofmarisa

How much space will be freed when British leave the EU?

1GB

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Space travel is a lot like sex...

Man ventures deep into dark uncharted territory but go too far, and he must abort.

I told my friend I was really nervous about going into space

But my friend said I would rock it

Monkeys, dogs... animals are usually the first ones to explore space; so why is there no animal on Mars?

Curiosity killed the cat.

Nobody even noticed that Thailand announced they were starting a Space Force too....

Who’s really worried about Thai fighters anyway?

How do you plan a space party

Planet.

The space-race for mars is just like a one way lustful relationship

Everyone is spending millions of dollars on it and sending things over to mars just to see if its wet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's looking for a parking space

However, parking is terrible, and the traffic is pouring in. At wit's end, the man turns to God.

"Lord, please, please, help me find a parking spot. I'll stop my drinking, stop my cursing, I'll stop looking at porn- oop, nevermind, here's one."

What's the favourite weapon of a Republican from outer space?

A Ronald Raygun.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated.

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. Afte...

What currency can we use to buy coffee in space

S T A R B U C K S

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy is fed up that his girlfriend spreads her legs during the night, taking so much space in bed.

"I read that if you keep doing that, all your guts are going to come out during the night", he says
\- no way, you're talking bullshit...

Some time passes. Guy's so fed up, he goes to a butcher and buys all kinds of animal intestines and puts it between the gf legs while she's asleep, ri...

why are cats afraid of space?

because its a vacuum

A guy was trying to find a parking space at a baseball game

and he was already missing the first inning, so he prayed to God and said "If you find a parking space for me I promise I'll never miss church again." Just then a car pulled out of a space right in front of him, and the guy said "Never mind, I just found one."

You have failed the space exam.

You're an astronot

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a wet fart in space?

An ass-teroid shower.

Went to the Air and Space museum today.

There was nothing there.

My friend said nobody likes using space heaters.

I thought, that's such a blanket statement.

If someone ties their shoes in space...

Did they do an Astro-knot?

Our local cemetery is running out of spaces ...

...It’s a grave issue

An uncle of mine used to throw a space heater into the pool to heat it up before he would go swimming during the colder months

Come to think of it, he only did it once

Did you hear about the Mexican space program?

They’re sending chickens to the moon for the first time ever, they’re calling it A-pollo 11

Astronaut 1: hey I can't find any milk for my coffee

Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.

What's the problem with building a hotel in space?

The price would be astronomical.

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I won a trip to a Party in Space.

The food and beer was good.

The atmosphere was Crap.

When Trump said "We're going to put a man on the face of the moon" last night, he meant he wants his Space Force to laser-etch his face onto the moon

Get ready for Moont Rushmore

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black man in space?

An astronaut, you racist bastard

When space travel is affordable I will leave the Milky Way galaxy and move to the Soy Milky Way.

You could say that I'm galactose intolerant.

Einstein developed a theory about space.

And boy, it was about time, too!

Yoda and Obi Wan in a space ship

Obi wan asks: "are we going the right way?"

Yoda answers: "off course, we are"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Space joke

Whats the similarity between Starship Enterprise and toiletpaper.

They both circling around Uranus looking for Klingons

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why can't the navy participate in the Space Force?

Gamma radiation kills seamen.

Why can't you get cell reception in space?

Because it's 0 G

PASSWORD PROBLEMS ( LONG ONE )

Windows : Please enter your new password.

User : cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

User : boiled cabbage

Windows : Sorry, the password must contain at least 1 numerical character.

User : 1 boiled cabbage

Windows : Sorry, t...

Cargo space?

Car no do that. Car no fly.

People keep talking about these "safe spaces". Well, call me old fashioned but I'm going to keep on calling them what they REALLY are...

Banks

What do you call two Corgis that violate the laws of space-time?

A pair-of-dogs.

A man moved into the city with his family and was having trouble getting some personal space to rub one out

So finally he

Me: What's the wifi password?

My friend: blow me first.

Me: Alright.

Later, me: So... what's the wifi password?

My friend: blowmefirst, no caps no spaces.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words.

She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect.

Then she added that I also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A QUEEN and a famous porn star died on the same day

when they fronted up to St Peter he told them there was only one space left for that day, and they’d have to argue their respective cases.The horizontal humper ripped off her top and said, “These are the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I’m sure it will please him greatly to be able to gaz...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When watching space porn together...

Do you think Han or Greedo would shoot first?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the space between a pair of fake breasts?

Silicon Valley

When a space telescope hits debris...

...it becomes a collide-oscope.

Canada just announced that they are launching their first manned space shuttle next year.

They are calling it the Apollo-G.

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon.I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony o...

What did the vegans say when they were captured and put into a small space?

Kelp! Lettuce leaf! There isn’t mushroom in here...

You use a telescope for looking through space and a periscope for looking through water. But what do you use to look through walls?

A window.

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

What do you do when you see a space man?

Park your car, man.

-my 4 year old niece

They say the blaze in Brazil is visible from space

Personally I watched it on my Amazon Fire TV

I decorated my parking space the other day.

It changed a whole lot.

Why don't we send women to space?

Her:Houston we have a problem!

Houston:What is the problem?

Her:Oh you know whats the problem

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend told me that if I get 1000 upvotes then we’ll try anal

paca riding lesson during the holidays. I think it’ll be fun!

Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet...

The view was breathtaking!

Why aren't there any thugs in space

Because there's zero G's

Space isn’t as empty as we think. It actually contains everything in the universe.

Except a girlfriend for me apparently.

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're living, you occupy space and you have mass. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

The leaders of Russia, North Korea and the United States fly up to the international space station...

Upon their arrival, they all marvel at the view of the earth from such magnificent heights. They begin to toss around ideas of ways they could all benefit from the ISS.

The Russian leader talks about all of the opportunities to use imaging to spy on people from outerspace. The other leaders ...

I keep pressing the space bar on my computer

But for some reason I am still on Earth.

People think having space isn't important

But there is a big difference between a kid napping, and a kidnapping.

The European Space Agency (ESA) recruits one Dutch, one French and one Turkish astronaut for a space mission

As the mission should last 10 years, they ask the astronauts what they want to bring with them in space.

The Dutch says: "I would like to master a new language, can I bring a Spanish teacher?". ESA recruits the best Spanish teacher trains them and sends them to the space with the others.
<...

What does a woman do in outer space?

Vacuum cleaning

Party in space

What’s the worst part about throwing a party in space?.....

....You have to planet.

In the early days of space exploration, there were two astronauts on a space station orbiting earth

The first astronaut says:
"I want to make some coffee but I can't find the milk"

Second astronaut replies:
"In space, no one can. Here, use cream"

I went to the space restaurant yesterday

Their food was out of this world

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

What type of tea is not in outer space

Gravitea

Did you know that a dog wrote a book about his adventures in space?

*I, Shih Tzu-Naut*

What is the WiFi password?

[Me at a bar]

Me: What is the wifi password?

Bartender: you have to buy a drink first

Me: okay, one Coke please.

Bartender: is Pepsi okay?

Me: Sure.

Bartender: That will be $3.

Me: Okey then, what's the wifi password?

Bartender: you have to buy...

An old joke from Isaac Asimov(fairly long).

As is well known, in this thirtieth century of ours, space travel is fearfully dull and time-consuming. In search of diversion, many crew Members defy the quarantine restrictions and pick up pets from the various habitable worlds they explore.

Jim Sloane had a rockette, which he called Teddy....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You should never give a therapist space

A space is what seperates the rapist from therapist

My boy asked me what the pictures from space were yesterday.

I told him they're black holes, son.

How the Canadians prepare their army

A new recruit arrives on the front lines during world war 2. When he gets there he is told resources are stretched thin and they have not rifles to spare him, although they still expect him to go on patrol. He goes straight to his captain and explains the situation, the captain hands him a broom and...

What is black and white and flies through space?

A cowmet!

Talking about a one-dimensional space isn't always productive

But it's usually not pointless

How is the ISS heated?

With a space heater

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What happens if you masturbate in outer space?

Your orgasm would be out of this world.

[NSFW] Women are like parking spaces

Usually all the best ones are taken, so when nobody’s looking, stick it in the disabled one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call two astronauts having sex in space?

Fucking light weights.

One space rock, said to the other space rock, “got any more gossip on the affair?” The other space rock replied, “yeah, turns out Carl’s mistress... is a man!”

Space rocks always love when the story gets meteor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Turk, an American and a Russian are going on a space mission.

They’ll have to stay for a year and observe various space anomalies.

Before they go, they are given the right of picking a stock of something they like for keeping their morale up.

Russian goes for Vodka and he gets 30 bottles of Smirnoff.

American wants some bacon, it’s granted...

A Chinese man is buying a car

The salesman approaches him and starts asking questions about what they were looking for

After some questioning the car salesman says
"Cargo Space?"

The Chinese man replied "Car no go space! Car stay on ground"

I had the best bartender ever.

I was in this bar with a friend. I asked the bartender for the wi-fi password. He said, "You need to buy a drink first." So I ordered a coke. After I paid him, I asked again for the wi-fi password.

He said, "You need to buy a drink first . . . . No spaces, all lower case."

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