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Space Jokes

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

I can’t wait until we colonize space

And then it’s two worlds one cup.

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In light of „jewish“ space lasers

1939
A Jewish man was sitting in the New York Metro reading a german newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be in the same subway , noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him and said:

'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a nazi newspaper?'...

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars?

Because if he chose SpaceY he’d land on 14 year old boys.

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

Einstein developed a theory about space...

And, boy, it was about time, too!

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You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

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What do you call the space between the breasts of a woman with implants?

Silicone valley

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

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What do you call a black man in a space suit?

An astronaut, you fucking racist

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space

“Lord”, he prays, ”I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”

The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, “Actually never mind, I’ve found one.”

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How much space is needed for fungi to grow?

As mushroom as possible.

What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?

One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

What do you call the combination of Tesla, SpaceX, and The Boring Company?

3Musketeers

The Irishman's parking space

An Irishman is trying to find a parking space outside his local pub on a busy evening, but cannot find a single one.

He looks skyward and says, "Lord, if you grant me this space, I'll come to Church every Sunday like a good Catholic should."

Low and behold, a space opens up right in fr...

Two Astronauts are chilling on the space station when one turns to the other and says, "I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The second astronaut replies, "In space no one can, here use cream."

Orion's Belt is a waist of space.

Bad pun, I know. 3 stars at best.

India Space mission.

The Indian government have said, the moon mission has been so successful, and have opened 4 corner shop stores and 3 Deli restaurants.. The food is good but there is no atmosphere.

I can at least tell you how Space Force organizes a party

They planet

A son says to his mum "When i get older i want to be shot into space" His mum says..

"If your father had done what he was told, you would have been"....

What did the American rocket say to the soviet rocket in space.

Good we’re alone now we can speak German.

Based on Lebron's acting skills, I suspect Space Jam 2...

Will be a flop.

How did Marjorie Taylor Greene find out about the secret Jewish Space Laser?

It Torah hole in the atmosphere!

Yoda and Obi Wan in a space ship

Obi wan asks: "are we going the right way?"

Yoda answers: "off course, we are"

In the 60s, the Russians and the Americans were competing for the best space program

They both were determined to prove they had the greatest minds, the greatest technology. In one example, the Americans spent almost a million USD just to invent a no-gravity pen. They put their best minds to work, and came up with putting a small CO2 pressure cartridge into the back of the ink tub...

Why do small space rocks taste better than small Earth rocks?

They are a little meteor.

did you hear about the restaurant that was opened in space?

the food was alright, but it had no atmosphere.

Parking a single car doesn’t require much space.

But parking 200 cars, now that requires a lot.

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Girl, you got me so into outer space

I can see my self in Uranus.

What do you call a failed Cuban space program?







Castro naught.

NASA had a supply of rib eye on the last flight to the international space station to see how meat cooked in space. They called it their most important mission.

Because the steaks were never higher.

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Space travel is a lot like sex...

Man ventures deep into dark uncharted territory but go too far, and he must abort.

Spaces between ladder rungs have increased because people are getting taller

Manufacturers claim it's due to climb it change.

Yuri Gagarin returned from space and Khrushchev asked him a question: "While you were up there, did you see god?"

Yuri replied: "Yes."

"That's what I suspected, but don't tell anybody."

Gagarin traveled to Rome and met the Pope, who asked him a question: "While you were up there, did you see god?"

Yuri replied: "No."

"That's what I suspected, but don't tell anybody."

President Trump! What about the aliens from space?

We need a ROOF!

I could tell you about how I rubbed grease all over the ladder that leads up into my roof space.

You might say it's an anti-climb attic story.

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What happens if you give your therapist some space?

You get fucked.

Why don't people believe I'm a Russian space explorer?

cos 'm not

What's it called when you get a hemorrhoid in space?

An assteroid.

What do you call J.K. Rowling in space?

AstroTERF

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What do you call the space between 2 artificial breasts?

Silicone Valley......

I'll leave and close the door behind me

Why didn't nasa send a duck into space?

The bill would be astronomical.

What does Sean Connery call a cigarette in space?

An ashtronaut

Did you hear there was a nuclear explosion in space this morning?!

Most people call it the sun.




Note: My dad pulled this on me this morning. My friend hit me when I told them.

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What happens when a human in space cums?

He astronuts

The Malaysian Space Program

One day, the Malaysians decided to launch their first space program and to send a man in a rocket out into space. Since they recognised that this was a dangerous journey, they decided to ask their final three candidates, an Indian, a Malay and a Chinese man, how much of a bonus would they need to gi...

I visited the air and space museum today...

There was nothing to see there.

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My dick used be visible from the Space Station

But NASA told me to stop tweeting dick pics at its astronauts

Why is space so cold?

Because we have all the space heaters down here.

Why did Stanley Kubrick want to send an old minivan into space?

It would be *"A 2001 Space Odyssey"*

An astronaut flies in his space shuttle

And after flying for a while he stops at the nearest gas station in space to fill up. Once he’s done he asks the cashier where the nearest bar is. The cashier respond with “if you just go over to the next moon, you’ll find it. It’s called The Keyboard.” The astronaut thanks the cashier and leaves. O...

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what happens when an astronaut masturbates in space?

They defile gravity

There are no queues in space

Everything's waitless

Space Fight

Kim Jong-un announced in a news conference that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years!

A reporter said - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on the sun?"

There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react.

Then Kim Jong-un quietly answer...

Einstein asks his wife what she needed from him. She replied, “Just two things, space and time.”

Einstein: “Ok, what’s the 2nd thing?”

What was the pinnacle of the primate space program called?

Apex

MySpace got hit by a DDOS attack..

More than 8 users were disconnected.

Why do billionaires want to go to space so badly?

Because guillotines require gravity to operate.

Women are like car parking spaces...

Usually, most of the good ones are taken....
So once in a while, you gotta stick it in a disabled one

How much free space does the EU have since Great Britain left?

1 GB

Why do strip malls love renting space to Chinese restaurants?

Because they’re lo mein tenants.

What do you call an NCO in the Space Force?

A stargeant

Why is the internet so bad in outer space?

It’s 0 g

Have you heard about the film they're making, where Dallas gets destroyed by space junk?

Debris Does Dallas.

I visited the National Air and Space Museum.

I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.

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If time and space were hot girls, you could only fuck Space

Because Time is relative.

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Space Tourism

One of the car hire companies was looking at diversification, to be able to better cope in the next pandemic.

They started getting interested in the space tourism market, currently dominated by companies such as Blue Origin, Virgin Galactic and SpaceX. They needed a hook to make them stand o...

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Why are Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson so excited for space?

They’ve fucked almost everyone on our planet and want one last shot at Uranus.

The difference between "Girlfriend" and "Girl Friend" is that little space in between.

We call the "Friend Zone".

Why is there no gang violence on the space station?

Because it is a zero G environment.

Why is CoD: Infinite Warfare set in space?

Because no one on earth wants to buy it.

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One night, two aliens descend from outer space...

...and land their little spaceship next to an old gas station in a small town. They get out and walk up to one of the old gas pumps.
The little alien says
"Take me to your leader."
The gas pump doesn't say or do anything. Slightly annoyed, the little alien repeats
"Take me to your lea...

Customer: I want cargo space

Me: Car no do that. Car no fly

Manager: See me in my office

I programmed my smart fridge to tell me how much space each item is occupying.

I think it speaks volumes.

Einstein: I finally finished my theory about space.

Mrs. Einstein: It’s about time.

Einstein: Wow! How did you know that?

Me: Mom, you're invading my personal space

Mom: Well, you came out of my personal space, so that makes us even.

I heard a bunch of former soviet space engineers started an 80's cover band...

they called themselves Buran Buran

If you murder someone in space

Are you above the law?

What do you call a building development that takes up as little space as possible?

A condominimum.

I tried to start a comedy club in outer space once.

But sadly there was no atmosphere on opening night.

Cargo Space

So, a man goes into a car dealership. He asks the dealer, "cargo space?". The dealer replies "car no do that. car go road."

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dol...

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, they did some astronaut training on a Navajo Indian reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who only spoke Navajo, asked a question, which the son translated, “What are the guys in the big suits doing?”

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old...

Today SpaceX announced plans to launch several Guernsey cows into low earth orbit

They shall be known as "The Herd Shot Round The World."

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A man is late for work, and desperately tries to find a parking space...

His boss has already told him before that if he is late one more time, he'll be fired on the spot.

The man is circling around the parking lot, but still all the spaces are completely full.

Suddenly, the man stops his car, puts his hands together and looks towards the sky.

"Dear ...

4 things that can be seen from space

1. The Eiffel Tower
2. Mount Everest
3. Pyramids of Giza
4. President Volodymyr Zelenskyy's massive balls

Our local cemetery is running out of spaces ...

...It’s a grave issue

I just went to the Air & Space museum.

Boy do I feel ripped off. It was just an empty room.

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all it takes is one short space...

And the therapist has become the rapist.

I don't care if you don't like space puns. I like space puns.

Comet me bro.

Potatoes in space

So Russia decided to launch a satellite full of potatoes into orbit to see what would happen.
Apparently it’s called the SPUNDnic

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I..

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces.

If you get sick in space

Are you really under the weather?

The Polish government is planning a manned space mission to the sun

When asked if they are afraid the mission will end in disaster, they responded, “no, we are not worried, we are going at night “.

(Credit the late great norm mcdonald)

What is it called when a space ranger dies?

Unfortunaut

I have a space pun

But i need a little more time to planet

What do you call a tangled rope on International Space Station?

Astroknot

Why did the James Webb telescope have to go a million miles out into space?

So it can see past your mom.

You know what you can't see from space?

The Chinese wall. That's fake news.


But you know what you can see from space? Selenskyj's huge balls

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