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You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

Why has no electrician ever gone to the International Space Station?

They don't think it's safe. None of the wiring runs to ground.

Apparently, astronauts grow up to two inches in space.

I never knew they were so minute.

My Scottish girlfriend said she needed more space.

She wasn’t too thrilled when I surprised her at work with habaneros.

Orion's belt is a big waist of space.

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot.

Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”

What did one space station say to the other?

You know what? I don’t like your attitude.

What’s the most popular reality tv show viewed by the crew of Deep Space Nine?

Keeping up with the Cardassians

How do you throw a space party?

You planet.

Two other guys pulled out from going on space flight tomorrow with William Shatner

Right after they were issued red shirts for the mission.

I went to an event in space. It was bogus

Guess they didn’t planet well.

Due to the lack of space, the city morgue and the comedy club will be in the same building

This Friday is open Mike night.

How do space travelers stay awake on the long journeys across the galaxy?

Do some light speed.

A man walks into a pub and asks the bar tender for the WiFi password.

The bar tender replies "You have to buy a drink first"
So the man buys a Coke.
"Ok now what's the WiFi password?"
The bar tender replies "you have to buy a drink first, all lower case, no spaces"

Some people call me the space cowboy. Some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice...

Yes that's very nice sir, now can you show me your license please?

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What do you call the space between 2 artificial breasts?

Silicone Valley......

I'll leave and close the door behind me

What do you call an Australian in space?

An Austronaut

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Why are Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson so excited for space?

They’ve fucked almost everyone on our planet and want one last shot at Uranus.

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Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dol...

In honor of his being the first 90 year old in space, I’m going as the Star Trek Cleveland Steamer for Halloween

Just as soon as I perfect my William Shatner chest costume.

Einstein created a theory about space

and it was about time too

What do you call it when someone is mildly polite in space?

Comet courtesy

Why didn't any dogs agree to follow the first one (Laika) into space?

Because they realized that space was really just a giant vacuum.

I made the mistake of telling my wife that I like Space Invaders.

Now she won't give me any privacy.

what do you call a cat in outer space ?

# a Catellite

What do you call 3 billionaires going to outer space?

A good start.

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An Italian wants a job [read in an accent]

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'W...

If Britain leaves EU, how much space will be freed up?

1 GB

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

Based on Lebron's acting skills, I suspect Space Jam 2...

Will be a flop.

Greece has been suffering from wildfires this year so horrible they can be seen from space

Not surprising considering how hard it is to get a Greece fire under control.

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Let's go to Hooters!

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At **age 32** they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
...

The first potato to go to space was carried by the rocket Nick

Or, well, Spudnick

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If you wish to visit Outer Space, you're an Astronaut

If you wish to visit Uranus, you're an Ass-tronaut

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In light of „jewish“ space lasers

1939
A Jewish man was sitting in the New York Metro reading a german newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be in the same subway , noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him and said:

'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a nazi newspaper?'...

What do you do if you see a space man?

Park in it! Man.

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A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

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It was recently announced that on July 20th, Jeff Bezos and his brother will launch into space on one of his Blue Origin spacecraft

If nothing else, now they will know what it’s like to piss in a bottle

What do you call J.K Rowling when she goes to space?

Astro TERF

Recently a wine aged in space was put up for sale

I wanted to buy it, but the price was astronomical.

I just learned that "Space Rock" is a genre, and is slightly disappointing,

that no one just called it "Asteroid"

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In the next few months, Jeff Bezos plans to go into space. There he will be forced to stay inside a small metal room and piss in a tube.

I guess he is just trying to relate to his employees.

Billionaire space tourists are like buses …

You wait ages for one to arrive and then two come along at the same time

(Credit : BBC presenter Bill)

Elon Musk announces he will be the next billionaire to go to outer space.

He realized it’s the only way he’ll actually get Doge to the moon.

Stephen Hawkings' last paper on space is finally going to published posthumously...

It's about time too.

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Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

There are 2 astronauts in space.

The first says "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

The second says "in space, no-one can. Here, use cream"

(Saying it aloud helps)

#Tip your waitresses!

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

I visited the National Air and Space Museum.

I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.

What do you call a baby conceived in space?

An astronut

A company owner was asked a question,

How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

Wife talking to Husband.

Wife: Why is it that, in Chess the King can only move one space at a time, but Queens are free to move wherever they like.?


Husband: That's because the board looks like a kitchen floor.

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What do you call a black man in space?

An astronaut you fucking racist.

I really doubt Canada will invest significantly in space exploration, but I’ll believe it if they...

...show me the moon, eh!

After a long, vicious territorial battle a large family of bitten, scratched wolves all sought shelter from the snow in a tiny cave, leaving barely an inch of space.

A pair of vets who care for the wolves find them and try to get in to administer care and clean their wounds.

One says “I can’t go in there.”

“Why not?”

“The place is bloody packed.”

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

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The Harley & The dishes (NSFW)

A guy named Joe heads into his local Harley Davidson dealership with a fistfull of dollars and starts looking for his dream motorbike. The dealer looks at Joe's choice and states that while Joe's choice in motorcycle was respectable, the older style Harleys not only held their value better, but in m...

[while new car shopping] Customer: "Cargo space?"

Salesman: "Car no do that. Car go road."

What do you call an NCO in the Space Force?

A stargeant

We were travelling far far away in space. Moving through time faster than the universe itself.

But i still got a traffic ticket in the mail.

I walk into a bar

**Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password?**

**Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.**

**Me: OK, I’ll have a Coke.**

**Bartender: Three dollars.**

**Me: There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?**

**Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowerca...

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

How do you fit an Elephant in a refrigerator ?

Open the door, shove in the Elephant, close the door.


*How do you fit a Giraffe in a refrigerator?*

Open the door, take out the Elephant, shove in the Giraffe, close the door.


*A plane has 20 bricks on the right hand side and 21 bricks on the left side. How do you balanc...

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Dog goes into a bank….

Dog goes into a bank, looking to secure a loan to expand his doghouse.

One of the bank loan officers comes over to assist, a Mrs Black. She sits down with the dog and starts into the loan process. Mrs. Black asks the dog, “What do you need the loan for?”

To which the dog responded,...

I have a space pun

But i need a little more time to planet

You know how many corpses it takes to screw in a lightbulb?

Well, it's not eight, because the crawl space is still dark.

How did Marjorie Taylor Greene find out about the secret Jewish Space Laser?

It Torah hole in the atmosphere!

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space.

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There’s something very weird about this pet shop…

Joe loved his dog. Only one problem - his dog wasn’t housebroken. Joe tried everything, read every dog training book, bought every device on the market. But the dog was untrainable. Finally, he saw an ad for a pet shop that guaranteed results. Desperate, he gave it a try.

The pet shop was ve...

Where do astronaut keyboards go for a drink?

The space bar.

Cargo Space

So, a man goes into a car dealership. He asks the dealer, "cargo space?". The dealer replies "car no do that. car go road."

What do you call a Mexican space chicken?

Apollo.

Star Wars names are just regular words if you put a random space somewhere:

Mos Quito

Que Sadilla

Scu Bagear

Syn Tax

Rev Erse

Mala Mute

Trypto Phan

Cano Nical

Impo Tent

Slee Papnea

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

What's the difference between a pork chop and a small rock entering Earth's atmosphere from space?

One's meaty, but the other is a little meteor.

Elon Musk and his girlfriend have broken up.

Told her he needed some space.

I found a parking lot with only two spaces

It’s really a parking little.

NASA was experimenting with animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

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What has 3 balls and floats through outer space?

E.T., The Extra Testicle

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Why are there no churches in space?

Without gravity there can be no mass.

They developed a toilet for the space station for two reasons:

Number one, and, of course, number two.

Did you hear about the astronaut whose request to bring an orange on the space shuttle was declined?

It was a fruitless Endeavor

Why would Elon musk take a chicken into space?

To make spaceggs

Why did the astronaut take his computer's keyboard apart?

He was looking for the Space Bar.

An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...

He turns to his crewmate and says:
"Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."

I now know why Jeff Bezos divorced with his wife...

He needed space.

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A UFO crashes on a farm

A loud noise is heard outside of a remote farm house and startles a middle-aged farmer and his wife. The farmer walks out to see a UFO. He walks up to the UFO and find out the aliens are peaceful, completely naked and have fairly human bodies. The farmer attempts to communicate with them and the ali...

I can at least tell you how Space Force organizes a party

They planet

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

Q: What's a space pirate's favorite planet?

A: mArrrs!

What do you call a lazy space explorer?

A procrastronaut

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What is it called when someone cums in space?

Astronut.

NASA has been sending animals to space.

They started with a cow and a pig.
But the rocket failed at takeoff and ejected both animals.
The pig was disintegrated on the way back down the earth but the cow survived and landed safely on earth.
At the the press briefing reporters asked the NASA scientists how the cow survived and pig...

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Two race horses were sitting at a bar ...

Two race horses were sitting at a bar having a few beers when one turns the other and says, "Jerry, something really strange happened to me at the track the other day"

"What happened Bill?"

"Well, I was running a race and I was stuck in the middle of the pack trying to break away. I...

What do aliens spread on their toast?

Space jam.

Here’s a simple way of converting an atheist to a theist.

Just give them a little space.

What does a stoner do when he sees a space man?

He parks in it, man.

Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space.

It was a cat astro fee.

A camping joke

2 men are camping, when they see it's getting dark outside.

Man 1 pops up his tent. Unfortunately, it only has space for 1 person.

Man 2 is sleeping outside when bears come out. The bears are chased out by Man 2's knife.

Later, the bears come out again. Man 2, again, chases them...

I wanted to buy the latest telescope so I could see outer space

but the cost was astronomical.

Have you heard? Melinda Gates, Mackenzie Scott, and Justine Musk are starting their own rocket company!

They are calling it Space-Ex’s and their rockets are guaranteed to go pren-up up up.

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My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

Did you hear about China's new space program?

I hear it's going to be a Long March.

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What do you use if you want a thicc and muscular butt in space?

Asteroids

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Paul Simon, Art Garfunkel and Peter Fonda are hanging out towards the end of the Swinging Sixties...

*Easy Rider* has just come out, Simon and Garfunkel are about to release *Bridge Over Troubled Water*, and the three men are the epitome of counter-culture cool. They're all pretty stoned, and Paul Simon turns to Peter Fonda, and says, "Hey, Peter, you wanna see something really groovy?"

Pete...

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Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend.. So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing.

Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everything alright? Did that man hurt you?", Dave asked.

"No no, everything is alright.", she says as she wipes her tears. "How can i help you?"

"...

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