If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

What is it called when someone cums in space?

Astronut.

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

Biology tell me you're 70% water. Physics tells me that you're 99.99% empty space. Chemistry tells me that you're 60% oxygen.

But I'm telling you that you're a 100% CUTIE!!!

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

Despite space being a Vacuum

Mars is really Dusty

Why did the racist cop shut down the space brothel?

There were too many black holes.

I spent the morning by thoroughly coating the ladder that leads into my roof space with grease.

Its an anti-climb attic story.

Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space.

It was a cat astro fee.

Yo Mama jokes should totally be removed from this sub. They're old, a waste of space, repetitive, overrated, and trash.

JUST LIKE YO MAMA!

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

I really don't like tight spaces.

That's why I shag your mum.

The earth travels through space at 660,000 miles per hour.

And I get six points for going 33 in a 30 zone.

What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon.

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

What do you call the space between fake boobs

Silicon Valley

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Why is it a bad idea to shoot a porno in space?

Because in space, no one can hear you cream.

How much space will Brexit free up in the EU?

1GB

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

What do they do when they want to have a party in space?

They planet.

In the 60s, the Russians and the Americans were competing for the best space program

They both were determined to prove they had the greatest minds, the greatest technology. In one example, the Americans spent almost a million USD just to invent a no-gravity pen. They put their best minds to work, and came up with putting a small CO2 pressure cartridge into the back of the ink tub...

We should tell Britain, Spain, and Portugal that there are tons of gold out in space

So they can put more effort into space travel and space colonization.

Why did the Americans win the space race?

Because the soviets were Stalin.

Women are like parking spaces

All the good ones are taken so when no ones looking you put it in a disabled one

I think it would be pretty simple to send 5G conspiracy theorists to space

Just tell them there's Zero G

What's the first step to throw a space party?

You planet

Yesterday, one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say, and quite frankly, it completely ruined our bath.

NASA had a supply of rib eye on the last flight to the international space station to see how meat cooked in space. They called it their most important mission.

Because the steaks were never higher.

How do space cowboys wrangle their cattle?

A tractor beam

Yesterday I was talking to an alien from space..

Turns out they eat radio active materials. I ask it what its favorite meal was.

It told me, fission chips.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

3 men arrive at the pearly gates and they see Peter. Peter says we don’t have much space in heaven so we’re taking in people who experienced the worst death

First guy go. β€œI was walking down the hall of my 27th floor apartment building and I suspected my wife was cheating on me. I rushed through the door shouting where is he!? I looked everywhere while my wife was trying to tell me no one is here. Then I found him. Hanging off the ledge my balcony. I st...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Me: "i'm terrified of those big empty spaces people yell into."

Therapist: "A void."

Me: "Good advice, thank you."

My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space

We don't seem to have established a functional continuum

A brand new car is being launched in Portugal, which includes space in the boot for a child.

It's called the Renault McCann

A new talented astronaut ascends to space carrying the expectation of all his crews

But moments just before he reached space, he decided to turn the rocket back and land back on earth.
After he got out, people questioned why he did that.
He said β€œmy teacher once asked me what my dream was and when I said to become astronaut, she said well, the sky is your limit”

What do you call a body-enhancing drug from space?

A steroid.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

Potatoes in space

So Russia decided to launch a satellite full of potatoes into orbit to see what would happen.
Apparently it’s called the SPUNDnic

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Where's the best place to hide drugs in space?

Uranus.

The space bar is a scam !

The space bar is a scam, I pressed it and order a whiskey but nothing came through.

What do you call a lazy man in space?

A procrastonaut

In space you don’t have hemroids...

you have assteroids.

What do you get when you cross J.K. Rowling with outer space?

AstroTERF.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A police woman sees a man park his car on a handicapped parking space.

He gets out of the car and starts walking to the nearby mall.

She shouts:" And what is your handicap, sir?"

He turns around, lifts up his arm in an uncontrolles motion, shows her the finger and shouts back

"Tou-Tou-Tourette, you cunt!"

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

What do you call an astronaut who masturbate in space?

An astronut.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

The reason why Space X has a spa

Is because without Spa it would be sex.

Three women walk into a space bar

That one is my mom say hi to my mom hi mom

How did the Space Teddy Bear cross the road?

Ewoked.

Where do people go to get drinks in cyber space?

A space bar

My wife and I are both physicists. We often disagree about space and time.

In her view, the socks should not be on the floor space and I should move them NOW.

Einstein and his wife are going through a tough time in their marriage.

Einstein: Tell me what you need, I'm here to help.

Wife: I just need two things right now, some space and time.

Einstein: Ok, so what's the second thing?

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.

It was SpaceXXX.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

A man was on a ship that sunk, and after floating for days he washed up on a deserted island....

He was stranded for many years on this island, but fortunately food was easy to come by. Fruits and vegetables grew abundantly all over the island, and the fish were so easy to catch it was almost like they *wanted* to be caught. Unfortunately, this meant that he had hours and hours of free time th...

Why will space be a popular tourist spot?

The view is breathtaking and will leave you speechless

Only science geeks will understand

Bob is standing at the urinal in the men's room doing his business. Steve walks up a couple of spaces over from Bob and begins to do his business. Bob glances over and exclaims, "Wow, you're huge!!"

Steve kinda hangs his head and says, "Yeah, I know."

Bob says, "I'm sorry, I just never seen a guy as fat as you. When is the last time you seen your pecker?"

Steve replies, "It's been a long time."

Bob asks, "Why don't you diet?"

Steve says,"Why, what color is it now?"

What’s the difference between outer space and a Palestinian child?

Less rockets were launched into space.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Space sex

SpaceX delayed again as atmosphere declares that they, "are tired, has had a long day, and a astronomical headache".

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Golden British humour!

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time & decided that in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space.

Dr. Smith was a Psychiatrist
&
Dr. Jones was a Proctologist (related to colon, anus)


They put u...

Got fired from my job at the keyboard factory

At first I just wasn’t putting in enough shifts, then I couldn’t keep the space clean and finally I lost control

"Orion's belt is a big waste of space"

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

I can't believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts...

Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit **too** seriously?

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

Hey, have you been playing Space Invaders lately?

'cause your invading my space.

What does space-time and apples have in common?

A wormhole.

What do u call a dead body in space?

A celestial body.

Elon Musk has launched a new cologne!

Space-Axe Body Sprayβ„’

Bought a really nice pen today. It can write underwater and in space....

and many other fine words .

Today I went to buy a new car. I asked the salesman a short question: β€œCargo space?”

He looked at me and said: β€œNo car no do that car no fly”

She said she needs some space

I Gave Her 1 TB SSD

The first contact between space aliens and humans

A space alien asks a human: "Why are so many of humans starving despite that there is plenty of food?"

"We don't have enough money."

"Why are so many humans homeless despite there being enough of homes?"

"We don't have enough money."

"Why are so many people ill despite th...

A director of an insane asylum is concerned about how full the asylum is getting and decides to make some space

He consults with the doctors and they create a plan to figure out who needs to stay and who is sane enough to be allowed back into the public. They empty out the swimming pool and gather all the patients round.

"Whoever can swim 2 lengths of this pool will be allowed to leave the asylum" say...

The Top 10 Reasons a Gun is better than a woman....

#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new 22

#9. You can keep one Gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Gun doesn't mind if you keep another Gun ...

I'm thinking of donating my body to science

It's taking up too much space in the freezer.

Trump decides he is going to reinvigorate the space program. He calls his advisors together and says, β€œthe US will be the first nation to have astronauts land on the sun.”

His advisors go quiet. Someone says, β€œMr President, nothing can come within a few million miles from the sun without getting burned up.”

Trump says, β€œI know that, but my vast knowledge of science has given me a solution.”

β€œWe send them at night.”

What currency do astronauts use in space?

Starbucks.

[Long] A man is walking down the street

A man is walking down the street, at the first house he passes by, there's a painter painting the entire house pink, so the man asks "why are you painting the entire house pink?" The painter answers that there are new residents, namely two girls from r/Women and they like pink. They wish each other ...

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

An american, a german and an argentinian are sitting in a room.

The american, to assert dominance, out of nowhere says, "My country created the best space rocket, that got us to the moon first. That makes me better than you."

The german exclaims, "Ja, I clean my ass with your rockets." And he follows, "My country created tanks, an unbeatable force in bat...

What do you call a group of Karens?

A waste of space.

Bill is smart, He built only 20 parking spaces.

One company owner asked the other- Tell me Bill, How come your employees are always on time in the morning?

Bill- Easy 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.

God In The Parking Lot

A man is struggling to find a parking space. β€œLord,” he prays. β€œI can’t stand this. If you open a space for me, I swear that I’ll give up the drink and go to church every Sunday.”

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines down on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says β€œNev...

I really hate satellites....

They’re just a waste of *space*

An astronaut scheduled for a launch to the space station thought the world was starting to get too chaotic, so he brought a computer keyboard with him on his trip

Now everything is back under control.

^^^^^I'm ^^^^^sorry.

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Three men have died and are at heaven's gate in front of Saint Peter

^((I only heard it in German, hope I translated it ok))

Saint Peter says "I'm sorry, we're a little short on space here, so we have a new policy. We only let people in who died in an interesting way." He then points to the first man and asks "so, how did you die?"

The first man starts,...

Some people really like Orion's Belt

But I think it's just a big waist of space.

So I decided to join the space force today...

I immediately got promoted because I have apparently been a space cadet for most of my life.

I went to the Air and Space museum...

It was an empty building....

This joke may contain profanity. πŸ€”

Dave wanted to send a letter to his girlfriend..

So he goes to the nearby market to buy an envelope. Just as he is about to enter the store, a man rushes out the market, furious,yelling and swearing. Dave didn't want to get in the mans way and just lets him pass. He enters the store and finds the cashier, a young lady, crying.

"Is everythi...

Cosmopology

A grad student was reading through a cosmology working draft when he discovered one that referred to the majority of stars in the sky as Bowie Remnants. Confused, he emailed the professor and asked for an explanation.
Well, a Bowie Remnant is what you get when a bright star tries to collapse i...

What is an Astronaut's favourite part of a computer

The space bar

What's the wifi password?

**Bartender:** You need to buy a drink first.

**Me:** Okay, I'll have a coke.

**Bartender:** Is Pepsi okay?

**Me:** Sure. How much is that?

**Bartender:** $3

**Me:** There you go. So, what's the wifi password?

**Bartender:** You need to buy a drink first. No...

What laptop does an astronaut use?

Macbook. β€˜Cos you can’t open windows in space. Ciao Bella ciao

I have a stalker.

A family member who’s moved into our house this year. He follows me into my bedroom and the bathroom. He always sneaks into my bed or under it when I’m half asleep. And worse, he gets so close to me when I’m trying to eat, watching me take every bite. Worse, he has a terrifying habit of licking my t...

What were the odds in 1957 of being the exact stray dog chosen to be the first living thing in space?

Laika million to one

Humans advanced to the point of space domination and could create clones of themselves.

Two friends, Dill and Jeuk decided to play space tag. Dill was 'it'.

Jeuk had a clever trick up his sleeve. He created 50 clones of himself and hid them in the galaxy, while he himself hid in a cluster of comets.

After a lot of looking, Dill found the first clone in a nearby star syste...

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He just needed a little space

My girlfriend is an astronaut

She said that she needed space today. I am confused.

Universe was created when

God's wife said to the God that 'I need some Space'

Two brain surgeons are discussing cases over lunch.

Surgeon 1: I just don't understand it. I treated a monk with epilepsy by implanting a seizure inhibitor device - the one with a microcomputer that sends out current to negate the seizure. It's working perfectly and his seizures are gone, but he keeps putting acorns and stuff into hollow spaces in tr...

NASA is finally letting women walk in space.

Probably safer than letting them drive.

when she tells you to give her some space





Like, ok girl



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Footprints

I dreamed that I was on the beach with Jesus, looking back at a set of footprints in the sand that represented moments in my life. Most of the times there were two sets of footprints next to each other: my own, and those of Jesus, who walked with me.


But then I noticed that at certain ...

Yoda and Obi Wan in a space ship

Obi wan asks: "are we going the right way?"

Yoda answers: "off course, we are"

What’s a fat person’s favorite video game?

Space Invaders

Our local cemetery is running out of spaces ...

...It’s a grave issue

How does the Russian space program keep things tied together?

With Cosmonauts!

What do you call deer in space?

Star bucks.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated.

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. Afte...

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

Why couldn't the programmer move his car?

He ran out of space on his drive

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