If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

Potatoes in space

So Russia decided to launch a satellite full of potatoes into orbit to see what would happen.
Apparently it’s called the SPUNDnic

My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space

We don't seem to have established a functional continuum

What do you call a body-enhancing drug from space?

A steroid.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an astronaut who masturbate in space?

An astronut.

Three women walk into a space bar

That one is my mom say hi to my mom hi mom

How much space will Brexit free up in the EU?

1GB

What do you get when you cross J.K. Rowling with outer space?

AstroTERF.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was company that sold sex toys to aliens.

It was SpaceXXX.

What has mass and occupies space

a fat Catholic

I could tell you about how I rubbed grease all over the ladder that leads up into my roof space.

You might say it's an anti-climb attic story.

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3 men arrive at the pearly gates and they see Peter. Peter says we don’t have much space in heaven so we’re taking in people who experienced the worst death

First guy go. “I was walking down the hall of my 27th floor apartment building and I suspected my wife was cheating on me. I rushed through the door shouting where is he!? I looked everywhere while my wife was trying to tell me no one is here. Then I found him. Hanging off the ledge my balcony. I st...

How much space would a single, fun guy need for his new apartment?

mushroom!

Where do people go to get drinks in cyber space?

A space bar

In space you don’t have hemroids...

you have assteroids.

What’s the difference between outer space and a Palestinian child?

Less rockets were launched into space.

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Space sex

SpaceX delayed again as atmosphere declares that they, "are tired, has had a long day, and a astronomical headache".

One of my buddies told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space, which was an incredibly unnecessary and hurtful thing to say...

Totally ruined our bath...

How do your organize a space-themed party?

You planet

I can't believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts...

Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit **too** seriously?

How do you organise a party in space?

You plan-et.

Bob is standing at the urinal in the men's room doing his business. Steve walks up a couple of spaces over from Bob and begins to do his business. Bob glances over and exclaims, "Wow, you're huge!!"

Steve kinda hangs his head and says, "Yeah, I know."

Bob says, "I'm sorry, I just never seen a guy as fat as you. When is the last time you seen your pecker?"

Steve replies, "It's been a long time."

Bob asks, "Why don't you diet?"

Steve says,"Why, what color is it now?"

What do u call a dead body in space?

A celestial body.

She said she needs some space

I Gave Her 1 TB SSD

What's the wifi password?

**Bartender:** You need to buy a drink first.

**Me:** Okay, I'll have a coke.

**Bartender:** Is Pepsi okay?

**Me:** Sure. How much is that?

**Bartender:** $3

**Me:** There you go. So, what's the wifi password?

**Bartender:** You need to buy a drink first. No...

Today I went to buy a new car. I asked the salesman a short question: “Cargo space?”

He looked at me and said: “No car no do that car no fly”

What does space-time and apples have in common?

A wormhole.

In space, two aliens are talking to each other

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

Trump decides he is going to reinvigorate the space program. He calls his advisors together and says, “the US will be the first nation to have astronauts land on the sun.”

His advisors go quiet. Someone says, “Mr President, nothing can come within a few million miles from the sun without getting burned up.”

Trump says, “I know that, but my vast knowledge of science has given me a solution.”

“We send them at night.”

Why will space be a popular tourist spot?

The view is breathtaking and will leave you speechless

Only science geeks will understand

Orion's Belt is a waste of space.

Sorry, the joke's way to punny. It's just 3 stars.

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

Bought a really nice pen today. It can write underwater and in space....

and many other fine words .

A director of an insane asylum is concerned about how full the asylum is getting and decides to make some space

He consults with the doctors and they create a plan to figure out who needs to stay and who is sane enough to be allowed back into the public. They empty out the swimming pool and gather all the patients round.

"Whoever can swim 2 lengths of this pool will be allowed to leave the asylum" say...

What currency do astronauts use in space?

Starbucks.

So I decided to join the space force today...

I immediately got promoted because I have apparently been a space cadet for most of my life.

What’s Joe Biden’s favorite arcade game?

Space Invaders

Bill is smart, He built only 20 parking spaces.

One company owner asked the other- Tell me Bill, How come your employees are always on time in the morning?

Bill- Easy 30 employees and 20 parking spaces.

Some people really like Orion's Belt

But I think it's just a big waist of space.

The first contact between space aliens and humans

A space alien asks a human: "Why are so many of humans starving despite that there is plenty of food?"

"We don't have enough money."

"Why are so many humans homeless despite there being enough of homes?"

"We don't have enough money."

"Why are so many people ill despite th...

An astronaut scheduled for a launch to the space station thought the world was starting to get too chaotic, so he brought a computer keyboard with him on his trip

Now everything is back under control.

^^^^^I'm ^^^^^sorry.

I hear NASA has a plan to send everyone with covid 19 into space

They're calling it a corona mass ejection

What were the odds in 1957 of being the exact stray dog chosen to be the first living thing in space?

Laika million to one

Humans advanced to the point of space domination and could create clones of themselves.

Two friends, Dill and Jeuk decided to play space tag. Dill was 'it'.

Jeuk had a clever trick up his sleeve. He created 50 clones of himself and hid them in the galaxy, while he himself hid in a cluster of comets.

After a lot of looking, Dill found the first clone in a nearby star syste...

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

I went to the Air and Space museum...

It was an empty building....

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Who can go from hero to zero in a short space of time?

Therapist, the\_rapist.

Everyone is trying to interview the astronauts to see how they feel about their launch being delayed.

I just wish they'd give those guys some space.

NASA is finally letting women walk in space.

Probably safer than letting them drive.

when she tells you to give her some space





Like, ok girl



.           ✦             ˚                                    .               .            ✦              ‍ ‍ ‍ ‍                  ,       .             .   ゚      .             ✦       ,       .                                   .                      ...

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

How does the Russian space program keep things tied together?

With Cosmonauts!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a pet shop, looking to replace his lost wife. Immediately, a parrot befriends him....

Parrot says, "I love you, you're the greatest!"
Having just had lost people close to him, he is enamored.
"Come home with me," he says,
Parrot says, "Please!"
After bringing the parrot home and securing it in a safe space, Parrot says:
"I hate it here. You're an asshole."
This bant...

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven

A flat-Earther died, and to his surprise found himself standing on a cloud in front of the gates of heaven. God himself was there and told him he would be happy to answer any questions the man might have - about anything across the entirety of Space and Time.
So of course the man said - "Was I ...

I was talking to a coworker about a project I was working on at home. I didn’t have enough space so I told her I wish I could turn 4 inches into 8

She said she wishes her husband could too

I got fired on my first day as a car salesman

Customer: "cargo space?"

Me: " no, car no fly, car go roads"

Manager: " can I see you in my office?"

All lives matter

Because we have mass and take up space

What do you call deer in space?

Star bucks.

In the family

A husband confesses to his wife that he was unfaithful 21years ago, and as a result has a son. The wife forgives him. 9month later the wife is heavily pregnant and the husband wants to introduce his son to his wife.
The wife agrees and a date is set. On the morning arranged and as the father and ...

Putin calls the head of a Russian space program to his office:

*Putin* - We need to increase prestige of motherland! Send a man to the Sun!
*Head of space program* - Ummm, but Sun is a star mine president... it’s burning and they will burn to death there!
*Putin* - Do you think I’m an idiot?! Launch them at night!

Women are a bit like parking spaces

Normally all the good ones are taken but sometimes, when no one’s looking, you just gotta stick it into a handicapped one.

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation. One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated.

"What are these guys in the big suits doing?" A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder. Afte...

If there were ever a war between forest predators and space travellers, I’d pick the forest predators.

Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Space travel is a lot like sex...

Man ventures deep into dark uncharted territory but go too far, and he must abort.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Passwords

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." ...

Perspective

The optimist says "The glass is half full."

The pessimist says "The glass is half empty."

The engineer says "The vessel contains twice the required space for the volume present."

A space bar walks into a psychiatrist’s office and says "You gotta help me, Doc!"

The doctor replies, "What seems to be the problem?"

"I constantly feel depressed."

Yoda and Obi Wan in a space ship

Obi wan asks: "are we going the right way?"

Yoda answers: "off course, we are"

Went to a restaurant last night

I was a little worried because of it being so soon after the reopening. Sure all the sat tables were pretty well spaced out, but I was still nervous.

The waitress came over and gave us the standard greeting and asked us we wanted anything to drink, but I was still thinking about my health...

Nobody even noticed that Thailand announced they were starting a Space Force too....

Who’s really worried about Thai fighters anyway?

Our local cemetery is running out of spaces ...

...It’s a grave issue

Black life matter cuz..

they occupy space and have weight

I told my friend I was really nervous about going into space

But my friend said I would rock it

Two people are looking at a new car...

Two people are looking at a car. The first person looks at the trunk and says, "Cargo space?"

The second person looks at the other as if he's crazy. "Car no do that. Car no fly."

Alexa, tell me a " yo momma" joke.

Me: Alexa, tell me a " yo momma" joke.

Alexa: Unfortanately I do not have enough space to store a "yo momma" joke

Me:awww



Alexa:Because your momma takes up all of it...

How do aliens make babies?

They have SpaceX

Astronaut 1: "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

Astronaut 2: "In space no-one can. Here, use cream"

My friend said nobody likes using space heaters.

I thought, that's such a blanket statement.

Monkeys, dogs... animals are usually the first ones to explore space; so why is there no animal on Mars?

Curiosity killed the cat.

Did you hear about the Mexican space program?

They’re sending chickens to the moon for the first time ever, they’re calling it A-pollo 11

Star Wars and Giant Space Lasers

Still a better love Story than twilight

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man's looking for a parking space

However, parking is terrible, and the traffic is pouring in. At wit's end, the man turns to God.

"Lord, please, please, help me find a parking spot. I'll stop my drinking, stop my cursing, I'll stop looking at porn- oop, nevermind, here's one."

A boy and his mother were walking towards their local MRT..

They were heading to the main City in order to buy some food supplies, they did this every week in order to be always ready for an emergency and such.

They finished buying their groceries and set off to return home, the subway was very packed, since they got home in rush hour, the passenger...

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

Poor guy really needed some space.

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

If someone ties their shoes in space...

Did they do an Astro-knot?

God in the parking lot

A man is struggling to find a parking space. "Lord," he prays. "I can't stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I'll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot. Without hesitation, the man says: "Never mind,...

How did the astrophysicist break up with their girlfriend?

“Honey, I need just one thing from you, time & space.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy is fed up that his girlfriend spreads her legs during the night, taking so much space in bed.

"I read that if you keep doing that, all your guts are going to come out during the night", he says
\- no way, you're talking bullshit...

Some time passes. Guy's so fed up, he goes to a butcher and buys all kinds of animal intestines and puts it between the gf legs while she's asleep, ri...

A man walks into a bar...

he leans over and says to the bartender, "Hey, will you give me a free beer if I show you something so amazing that I can guarantee you've never seen it before?"

The bartender says, "Okay, but it had better be good."

The man reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He sets...

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