UPJOKE
areaouter spacelocationplacedistancespacetimeblankaerospaceexpanseinfinitetimevacuumworkspaceairspacespacecraft

4 things that can be seen from space

1. The Eiffel Tower
2. Mount Everest
3. Pyramids of Giza
4. President Volodymyr Zelenskyy's massive balls

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the space between the vagina and asshole?

The chin rest

Yuri Gagarin returned from space and Khrushchev asked him a question: "While you were up there, did you see god?"

Yuri replied: "Yes."

"That's what I suspected, but don't tell anybody."

Gagarin traveled to Rome and met the Pope, who asked him a question: "While you were up there, did you see god?"

Yuri replied: "No."

"That's what I suspected, but don't tell anybody."

What do you call a tangled rope on International Space Station?

Astroknot

If Britain leaves the EU, how much space will be freed up?

1GB

Did you hear about the new restaurant in space?

The food was pretty good but it felt like there was no atmosphere.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

You're living. You have mass. You occupy space. Do you know what that means?

You matter.

I heard that NASA is going to send cows into space soon.

The steaks have never been higher.

What do visitors to the International Space Station have to do before boarding?

Pay the parking meteor.

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

Everyone knows the Russians sent a dog to space, but lesser known is the mission where they sent a cow.

The mission went terribly and everyone involved, including the cow was sworn to secrecy. He was a cows-moo-not.

If you murder someone in space

Are you above the law?

A wife is frying eggs for her husband in the morning

Suddenly the husband appears behind the wife's back and says:

"Careful, CAREFUL, put more fat in the pan! You're frying too many at a time. TOO MANY! Flip them! FLIP THEM! Come on!
Put more fat in there. Oh dear lord. How are you gonna make space for the fat now, look, they're sticking to ...

Women are like car parking spaces.

All the good ones are taken, but if no one’s looking, stick it in a disabled one.

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I

also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces..

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

What’s less than 150 meters and manmade, but can still be seen from space?

The international space station.

Ukrainian cleaning his pistol

It's 1961, and a Ukrainian is cleaning his pistol. His son runs into the room shouting: "Daddy, daddy, Russians have gone to space!" The man stops cleaning his pistol. "What, all of them?" "No, just one!" The man grumbles & continues cleaning the pistol.

Spaces between ladder rings have gradually been increasing over the years.

Manufacturers claim its due to climb it change.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Struggles of passwords

Struggles of passwords

"Set password:"

carrot

"Password must be at least 8 characters."

boiled carrot

"Password must contain at least 1 number."

1 boiled carrot

"Password cannot contain spaces."

50boiledcarrots

"Password must contain at ...

Why do strip malls love renting space to Chinese restaurants?

Because they’re lo mein tenants.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being a teenager is the worst. I've jerked off more than I've studied.

Which is ironic. One of then requires you to clear up space, look up the material, make sure theres no distractions around you and focus.

....and the other ones studying.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

all it takes is one short space...

And the therapist has become the rapist.

If you get sick in space

Are you really under the weather?

Why does a space rock make the best rock soup?

# Because its a little meteor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day, and both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.


Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.


The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particul...

What's the difference between a Viking and that one Bond movie where he's in space?

One's *Moonraker*, the other's a rune maker.

You know what you can't see from space?

The Chinese wall. That's fake news.


But you know what you can see from space? Selenskyj's huge balls

I visited the Air and Space Museum

...but there was nothing there.

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance,

she'd be your....
Space x.

Did you hear about the Scottish Space Agency mission to land on the sun?

They went at night to make sure it wouldn't be too hot

Girlfriend messaged me: "helpmyspacebarbrokecanyoucomeoverandgivemeanalternative"

What does 'ternative' mean?

What did the flat-earther say after finally seeing the earth from space?

Half of the so-called “continents” are missing.

A man is looking for a parking space...

And, starting to get desperate, he prays to God. "Oh lord, deliver unto me a parking space, and I swear devoutly to give up all my sinful vices, and go to church weekly."

The clouds part and a ray of sun shines down on the only empty parking space. Overjoyed, the man continues.

"Neverm...

A woman gets proposals for marriage from two programmers

A AND B.

She gives them a coding test

A does poorly. B aces it.

But she still chooses A . Why?

She would rather have a man who gives her space rather than keep tabs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do you think we are here?

John, Paul, and Bill sit around a campfire.

John turns to Paul, and asks him "Why do you think we are here?"

Paul says "Man, I wonder that all the time. Some people think we exist on Earth in purgatory. We suffer here through the trials and tribulations of life in order to determine if...

What did Canada contribute to the James Webb Space Telescope mission?

All the apologies for all the delays.

Why do billionaires race to space?

Cause the bubble they live in is so limiting.
They'd prefer to exist in a vacuum.

(Note: I made this joke up. Help me improve it and share your funny alternative answers in comments :))

If I needed to climb something and I had to choose between a rope with knots in it or some parallel boards with spaced rungs...

I'd choose the latter.

A man is struggling to find a parking space. “Lord,” he prays. “I can’t stand this. If you open a space up for me, I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday."

Suddenly, the clouds part and the sun shines on an empty parking spot.

Without hesitation, the man says: “Never mind, I found one!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Introducing Elon's next venture

SpaceXXX

How many ensigns does it take to clean the USS Enterprise?

Zero, space is a vacuum.

In the year 2010, the Lord came unto Noah and said:

“Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending ra...

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

He wanted more space.

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

How do space travelers stay awake on the long journeys across the galaxy?

Do some light speed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the space between 2 artificial breasts?

Silicone Valley......

I'll leave and close the door behind me

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson so excited for space?

They’ve fucked almost everyone on our planet and want one last shot at Uranus.

"An early human" and "A nearly human" are spelled the same except for how you use the space bar.

They never thought of that, which makes us superior.

Due to the lack of space, the city morgue and the comedy club will be in the same building

This Friday is open Mike night.

Apparently, astronauts grow up to two inches in space.

I never knew they were so minute.

My Scottish girlfriend said she needed more space.

She wasn’t too thrilled when I surprised her at work with habaneros.

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something 'practical' for her birthday.

“Suppose we open a savings account for you?" mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.
"It's your account, darling," mother said as they arrived at the bank, "so you fill out the application."
Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for "Name of your former bank."

After a slight h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In light of „jewish“ space lasers

1939
A Jewish man was sitting in the New York Metro reading a german newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be in the same subway , noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him and said:

'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a nazi newspaper?'...

What’s the most popular reality tv show viewed by the crew of Deep Space Nine?

Keeping up with the Cardassians

Scientists have determined that the Earth has a resonant frequency

The planet resonates at a low B note. However if you were flying away in a space ship the frequency would drop due to the doppler effect, and the Earth would B flat.

Why didn't any dogs agree to follow the first one (Laika) into space?

Because they realized that space was really just a giant vacuum.

Some people call me the space cowboy. Some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice...

Yes that's very nice sir, now can you show me your license please?

Why can't you send a duck to space?

Because the bill would be astronomical.

Two other guys pulled out from going on space flight tomorrow with William Shatner

Right after they were issued red shirts for the mission.

How do you throw a space party?

You planet.

I went to an event in space. It was bogus

Guess they didn’t planet well.

What did one space station say to the other?

You know what? I don’t like your attitude.

Einstein created a theory about space

and it was about time too

Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City. He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.

"Wh-what are you doing?!" sputtered Mr. Johnson. "I specifically booked this seat! Why aren't you sitting in your seat?!"

The blonde woman replied, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I'm sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City."

Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blo...

What do you call it when someone is mildly polite in space?

Comet courtesy

In honor of his being the first 90 year old in space, I’m going as the Star Trek Cleveland Steamer for Halloween

Just as soon as I perfect my William Shatner chest costume.

Yo mama is such a Karen

Her self-entitlement has its own reserved parking space in front of Walmart

Greece has been suffering from wildfires this year so horrible they can be seen from space

Not surprising considering how hard it is to get a Greece fire under control.

I made the mistake of telling my wife that I like Space Invaders.

Now she won't give me any privacy.

what do you call a cat in outer space ?

# a Catellite

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

Orion's belt is a big waist of space.

Terrible joke. Only 3 stars.

Based on Lebron's acting skills, I suspect Space Jam 2...

Will be a flop.

What do you call J.K Rowling when she goes to space?

Astro TERF

What do you do if you see a space man?

Park in it! Man.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black man in space?

An astronaut you fucking racist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you wish to visit Outer Space, you're an Astronaut

If you wish to visit Uranus, you're an Ass-tronaut

Recently a wine aged in space was put up for sale

I wanted to buy it, but the price was astronomical.

The first potato to go to space was carried by the rocket Nick

Or, well, Spudnick

"Buzz, why in tarnation did ya shoot the spaghetti?", Woody exclaimed.

Buzz leaned back with a satisfied smile.

"Wasn't up to my standards", he commented.

"What do you mean?", Woody replied.

"Flavours were off."

"You... you've had spaghetti?"

"It's a Space Ranger specialty. In all emergency ration kits. And given how many emergencies ...

What do you call an NCO in the Space Force?

A stargeant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

It was recently announced that on July 20th, Jeff Bezos and his brother will launch into space on one of his Blue Origin spacecraft

If nothing else, now they will know what it’s like to piss in a bottle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three guys are waiting in line to get into Heaven.

St. Peter calls out to thee tree guys: "We don't have a lot of space in Heaven, so who ever tells be the most interesting death stories will get in!" The first man walks up and begins his story. "I came home one day from a bad day to find my wife naked on the bed. I suspected that she was cheating w...

I visited the National Air and Space Museum.

I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.

Astronauts use Linux

Because you can't open Windows in space.

What is an astronaut’s favorite part on a computer?

The space bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Let's go to Hooters!

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other’s stories.

At **age 32** they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch. "Where do you wanna go?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married man keeps telling his wife "Honey, you have such a beautiful butt"

Every person in the town agrees that she does have a very beautiful butt. The man's birthday is coming up so she decides to take a trip to the tattoo parlor and get the words "Beautiful butt" tattooed on her ass.

She walks in and tells the tattoo artist he husband thinks she has a beautiful b...

Three guys were traveling for a ski trip to the mountains and had to stop in a small town to rent a room for the night.

The small mountain inn only had one room left, and it only had a single queen size bed. Being a drafty old inn, the men decided to sleep together in the same bed to conserve space and warmth.

The next morning the guy who slept on the left side of the bed said, "Oh my god, you guys, I had the ...

A company owner was asked a question,

How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"
He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

What do you call the combination of Tesla, SpaceX, and The Boring Company?

3Musketeers

I just learned that "Space Rock" is a genre, and is slightly disappointing,

that no one just called it "Asteroid"

Stephen Hawkings' last paper on space is finally going to published posthumously...

It's about time too.

What do you call a Mexican space chicken?

Apollo.

There are 2 astronauts in space.

The first says "I can't find any milk for my coffee"

The second says "in space, no-one can. Here, use cream"

(Saying it aloud helps)

#Tip your waitresses!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In the next few months, Jeff Bezos plans to go into space. There he will be forced to stay inside a small metal room and piss in a tube.

I guess he is just trying to relate to his employees.

A hotel in Soviet Russia

And, as usual, since there isn't enough space available (ok, the other rooms are in even worse condition and the stoves ain't working, but I didn't tell you that) three men have to share a room. Two of them start drinking vodka and telling political jokes, laughing and joking all night while the thi...

I can't believe the NASA/SpaceX Astronauts...

Don't you think they are taking "Social Distancing" a bit **too** seriously?

Today one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

Why did Elon Musk choose SpaceX to land on mars?

Because if he chose SpaceY he’d land on 14 year old boys.

[while new car shopping] Customer: "Cargo space?"

Salesman: "Car no do that. Car go road."

Where do Jewish space lasers come from?

From the Death Star of David

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

I have a space pun

But i need a little more time to planet

I really doubt Canada will invest significantly in space exploration, but I’ll believe it if they...

...show me the moon, eh!

What do you call a baby conceived in space?

An astronut

Billionaire space tourists are like buses …

You wait ages for one to arrive and then two come along at the same time

(Credit : BBC presenter Bill)

How did Marjorie Taylor Greene find out about the secret Jewish Space Laser?

It Torah hole in the atmosphere!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A college student was driving through rural Scotland on holiday

When he came across an old stone pub that must have been several hundred years old. He thought to himself that this could be an opportunity to sample some of the local ale, so he parked and headed inside.

When he opened the door, however, the bar was empty except for one old bartender polish...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Choose a new password :

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.