I visited the National Air and Space Museum.

I believe the title is misleading because it's actually full of stuff.

If Elon Musk's space company establishes a Mars colony, and you have a girlfriend on mars, but later break up because of long distance, she'd be your....

Space x.

An Irishman is struggling to find a parking space

“Lord”, he prays, ”I cannot stand this, please open a parking space for me and I swear I’ll give up the drink and go to mass every Sunday.”

The clouds part and the sun shines on an empty space in the car park. Without hesitation the Irishman says, “Actually never mind, I’ve found one.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In light of „jewish“ space lasers

1939
A Jewish man was sitting in the New York Metro reading a german newspaper. A friend of his, who happened to be in the same subway , noticed this strange phenomenon.
Very upset, he approached him and said:

'Moshe, have you lost your mind? Why are you reading a nazi newspaper?'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a black man in space?

An astronaut you fucking racist.

August 20, 2020: Scientists have discovered a "mystery object" in space. The object is equal to 2.6 solar masses.

March 1, 2021: (Update) Scientists have determined that the “mystery object” is made up of unmatched socks.

I have a space pun

But i need a little more time to planet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why are there no churches in space?

Without gravity there can be no mass.

We are 11 days into self-isolation ands it is really upsetting me to witness my wife standing at the living room window gazing aimlessly into space with tears running down her cheeks.

Don’t get me wrong, I empathize with her. I’ve considered letting her in many times, but rules are rules.

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If time and space were hot girls, you could only fuck Space

Because Time is relative.

Cargo Space

So, a man goes into a car dealership. He asks the dealer, "cargo space?". The dealer replies "car no do that. car go road."

How did Marjorie Taylor Greene find out about the secret Jewish Space Laser?

It Torah hole in the atmosphere!

NASA was experimenting with animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

I can at least tell you how Space Force organizes a party

They planet

An astronaut is making coffee onboard the ISS...

He turns to his crewmate and says:
"Damn, I can't find any milk for my coffee."

The crewmate replies:
"In space no one can, here use cream."

Orion's belt is a big waist of space.

Terrible joke, only three stars.

What do you call an NCO in the Space Force?

A stargeant

NASA has been sending animals to space.

They started with a cow and a pig.
But the rocket failed at takeoff and ejected both animals.
The pig was disintegrated on the way back down the earth but the cow survived and landed safely on earth.
At the the press briefing reporters asked the NASA scientists how the cow survived and pig...

Star Wars names are just regular words if you put a random space somewhere:

Mos Quito

Que Sadilla

Scu Bagear

Syn Tax

Rev Erse

Mala Mute

Trypto Phan

Cano Nical

Impo Tent

Slee Papnea

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What has 3 balls and floats through outer space?

E.T., The Extra Testicle

What do you call a Mexican space chicken?

Apollo.

What do you call a lazy space explorer?

A procrastronaut

Why did the space rock eat the hamburger?

It wanted to be meteor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton die on the same day and they both go before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven

Unfortunately, there's only one space left that day, so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.

The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says, 'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, ...

What does a stoner do when he sees a space man?

He parks in it, man.

Why did the Russians start the space race?

Because they are always in a hurry.

I wanted to buy the latest telescope so I could see outer space

but the cost was astronomical.

Q: What's a space pirate's favorite planet?

A: mArrrs!

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Girl, you got me so into outer space

I can see my self in Uranus.

Did you hear about China's new space program?

I hear it's going to be a Long March.

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What do you use if you want a thicc and muscular butt in space?

Asteroids

How much space will Brexit free up in the EU?

1GB

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What is it called when someone cums in space?

Astronut.

In space, two aliens are talking to each other.

The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons."

The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"

My wife said she needed some space

So I gave her a meteorite

Iamonthemoonandthereisnowheretogetabeer.

Thereisnospacebar.

Why do astronauts use Linux?

Because you can't open Windows in space.

For Christmas, I asked Mariah Carey if I could get her a big open space to park her cars, but she declined

She said “I don’t want a lot for Christmas”

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

I asked my girlfriend to describe me in 5 words. She said I'm mature, I'm moral, I'm pure, I'm polite and I'm perfect! Then she added that I...

...also had a fundamental lack of understanding about apostrophes and spaces...

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500

A young man met a beautiful girl and agreed to spend the night with her for $500.

So they did. Before he left, he told her that he did not have any cash with him, but that he would have his secretary write a check and mail it to her, calling the payment "RENT FOR APARTMENT."

On the way...

I was cleaning one of my finger guns.

I accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

What did Trump say when he was told there were Brazilian astronauts in space?

Another Trump record. No one has ever heard of this many astronauts in Space.

How did the space criminal escape from the prison planet?

He reached ESCAPE VELOCITY

Why did the space rock break up?

It couldn’t comet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My girlfriend just emailed me

"thespacebuttonisbrokenonmylaptop.canyougivemeanalternative"

Does anyone know what "ternative" mean?

Yesterday I was charged $10,000 dollars for sending my cat into space.

It was a cat astro fee.

Cannot get milk for my coffee, in space.

Once their Crew Dragon craft made it to safely to space, and they were headed toward the International Space Station, Bob Behnken completed some reports and then decided to have a cup of coffee. Well, a pouch of coffee anyway. Still, it was coffee, and thanks to SpaceX's desire to make space trave...

Just this week an American astronaut voted from space...

Too bad her vote doesn't carry the same weight.

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Choose a new password

Choose a new password :

potato

Sorry, password must contain at least 8 letters.

boiled potato

Sorry, password must contain at least one number.

1 boiled potato

Sorry, password cannot contain spaces

50fuckingboiledpotatoes

Sorry, password mu...

A son says to his mum "When i get older i want to be shot into space" His mum says..

"If your father had done what he was told, you would have been"....

(Pun from my kid nephew): How do you have a party in outer space?

Planet

How do potatoes get to space?

Using the starch ship enterfries

Why did the racist cop shut down the space brothel?

There were too many black holes.

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What do you call the ejaculate of a Russian Space-man?

Cosmonut

Biology tell me you're 70% water. Physics tells me that you're 99.99% empty space. Chemistry tells me that you're 60% oxygen.

But I'm telling you that you're a 100% CUTIE!!!

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Sometimes I like to look at the world and think...

...how the fuck did I end up in space?!

What did the space alien tell Franz Schubert?

"Take me to your Lieder!"

Each branch has a military ball (Navy Ball, Army Ball, etc.)

And it warms my heart to know that one branch will be having "Space Balls" from here on out.

What was the first animal in space?

The cow that jumped over the moon.

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Why is it a bad idea to shoot a porno in space?

Because in space, no one can hear you cream.

Q : With Britain leaving EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

A: 1 GB

Apparently the first dog in space died of stress

It was probably because of the vacuum

In the 60s, the Russians and the Americans were competing for the best space program

They both were determined to prove they had the greatest minds, the greatest technology. In one example, the Americans spent almost a million USD just to invent a no-gravity pen. They put their best minds to work, and came up with putting a small CO2 pressure cartridge into the back of the ink tub...

Not only should masks be mandatory in public spaces

But womandatory and childrendatory too

Women are like parking spaces

All the good ones are taken so when no ones looking you put it in a disabled one

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What's the difference between a therapist and a sex offender

The space bar

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As a mixed race person that includes Native American and Jewish, I’m genuinely pissed off.

Where the fuck are my casinos, banks and space lasers?

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Two Guys Grow Up Together

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Georgia and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
"Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why...

Why did the Americans win the space race?

Because the soviets were Stalin.

I spent the morning by thoroughly coating the ladder that leads into my roof space with grease.

Its an anti-climb attic story.

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

Edit: Sorry if this joke is ruff

Double Edit: on the other hand, when I go to space I feel no pressure

Passwords NSFW

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." ...

Despite space being a Vacuum

Mars is really Dusty

A man was recruited for a space colony

He had been posted to a planet 14 lightyears from Sol. As his ship landed on the planet's glowing surface, he saw a car waiting for him.

"Welcome to Anti-Earth," The driver said, "don't worry we are going to change the name soon. I am here to take you to your quarters and show you the colony ...

My girlfriend is weird. Sometimes she wants my time, then sometimes suddenly she wants her space

We don't seem to have established a functional continuum

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I really don't like tight spaces.

That's why I shag your mum.

Yesterday, one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say, and quite frankly, it completely ruined our bath.

1960s kids don't have a problem with social distancing.

Everyone was pretty spaced-out then.

Potatoes in space

So Russia decided to launch a satellite full of potatoes into orbit to see what would happen.
Apparently it’s called the SPUNDnic

What do you call a body-enhancing drug from space?

A steroid.

The earth travels through space at 660,000 miles per hour.

And I get six points for going 33 in a 30 zone.

How do space cowboys wrangle their cattle?

A tractor beam

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Me: "i'm terrified of those big empty spaces people yell into."

Therapist: "A void."

Me: "Good advice, thank you."

A brand new car is being launched in Portugal, which includes space in the boot for a child.

It's called the Renault McCann

I think it would be pretty simple to send 5G conspiracy theorists to space

Just tell them there's Zero G

Keith Flint failed his English at School. It was a really tough break because his final essay was excellent

He just ran out of space

NASA had a supply of rib eye on the last flight to the international space station to see how meat cooked in space. They called it their most important mission.

Because the steaks were never higher.

My girl left me to become an astronaut.

She said she needed some space.

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The computer is connected to watt?

A man calls tech support and says, "I unplugged my space heater, and then my computer just blacked out!"

Tech support: Is the power strip that your computer's plugged into still lit?

User: Yes

Tech support: What happens if you move the mouse or press a key?

User: Noth...

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So I work as a therapist and someone with depression reached out to me. He said he was in a bad space mentally.

So I said get a lobotomy.

Yesterday I was talking to an alien from space..

Turns out they eat radio active materials. I ask it what its favorite meal was.

It told me, fission chips.

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The reason why Space X has a spa

Is because without Spa it would be sex.

Two hobbyists get into their balloon for an excursion.

After a while, the wind unexpectedly picks up, and the balloon goes out of control. The two balloonists, with great effort, manage to keep the balloon stable, upright, and away from power lines. But they are lost. With more effort, they get the balloon near the ground. While floating over a country ...

In space you don’t have hemroids...

you have assteroids.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

smelly and colored dick

One guy comes straight from a fast food restaurant with a hamburger in one hand and a cup of cola in the other. Equipped like this he goes straight to the toilet. Standing in there he tells another guy that he can't put his drink or his food down because of a lack of space. So he asks the other man ...

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Wife and I went to get her to the rapist.

She has a problem with my overuse of spaces

The space bar is a scam !

The space bar is a scam, I pressed it and order a whiskey but nothing came through.

My city just authorized yet another landfill, when the ones we already have will be more than enough for decades.

That space of waste is a waste of space.

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Where's the best place to hide drugs in space?

Uranus.

A gardener for a large estate decides to hire someone to help him with the heavy workload..

...the new laborer's name is Johnny Rhodes and the gardener is pleased with how quickly he's catching on. John is rather sharp and comes up with some good ideas to make things more efficient around the place.

One of these ideas was to repurpose an empty space behind the mansion that was over...

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How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

A new talented astronaut ascends to space carrying the expectation of all his crews

But moments just before he reached space, he decided to turn the rocket back and land back on earth.
After he got out, people questioned why he did that.
He said “my teacher once asked me what my dream was and when I said to become astronaut, she said well, the sky is your limit”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

Bought a really nice pen today. It can write underwater and in space....

and many other fine words .

Three women walk into a space bar

That one is my mom say hi to my mom hi mom

Where do people go to get drinks in cyber space?

A space bar

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What's the difference between a therapist and the rapist?

Just a little space

Edit: this is best told when standing next to someone

What's a COVID denier's favorite video game?

Space Invaders.

How did the Space Teddy Bear cross the road?

Ewoked.

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