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Big Bang Jokes

I don't believe in the Big Bang

Considering it's a multiverse, I'm thinking "medium" Bang is more likely

At the end of the physics lecture, I asked the professor, “What happened before The Big Bang?”

He said, “Sorry. There’s no time.”

I'd like to explain what happened before the Big Bang.

Unfortunately, there's no time.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Big Bang Theory

# Some Background Info

The TV show "The Big Bang Theory" was created by Chuck Lorre. At the end of each episode he inserted a one screen humorous comment.

While season 4 was being produced, the lead actress had a horseback riding accident unrelated to the show which caused her a broke...

If the big bang theory, how I met your mother and two and a half men had ever crossed over it would've been called

How I banged your mother with two and a half men

Alright so hear me out, if the big bang was 13.8 billion years ago, and matter cannot be created nor destroyed, and all our bodies are made of matter, that mean we're all 13.8 billion years old...

so in conclusion yes officer she was old enough.

According to the Big Bang Theory the universe began in Arizona

Our whole universe was in a hot dense state

You can't get to a time before the big bang because there was no time before the big bang.

Least it didn't have to worry about being late

What came before the Big Bang?

"Allahu Akbar!"

The big bang was an incredibly huge, loud disruption

I guess it must've startled everything

As a Final Fantasy fan, I always wondered why Big Bang Theory only ever referenced the Third Level Spell.

They never even mention Bazin and Bazinra.

You know, at the Big Bang, the universe was flipped into an outright stretch.

And other energy bodies were like: "Bro, why are you so contorted?"

Don't ask a busy scientist what was before the big bang.

They'll just say there's no time.

Some people say that The Big Bang Theory disproves God...

I mean, sure, it's not the best show, but I wouldn't go *that* far.

I was getting my hair cut the other day...

...and the girl cutting my hair mentioned she had a degree in cosmology. So I asked her whether she thought the cosmic background radiation was the best evidence for the big bang. She said big bangs would not look good on me, and that's the moment when I noticed the diploma on the wall that said "...

“ Yo momma so fat ...

..her fart caused the Big Bang! “

* overheard neighbour’s kids and I chuckled!*

A man walked into a bar and order a drink for himself and the empty seat next to him.

The bartender, perplexed as to why the man would order a drink for an empty chair, made two drinks for the man and the empty chair.
This seemed to happen every time the man entered the bar. He would order a drink for himself and an empty chair next to him.
Finally, curiosity overtook the barm...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Putin`s chauffeur

Vladimir Putin is in his limo, being driven through the Russian countryside. All of a sudden, there is a big bang and a big bump. Putin yells at his chauffeur, "What the hell was that?!"
The chauffeur replies, "I ran over a big pig that was lying in the middle of the road. I\`m pretty sure I...

What do you call a physicist orgy?

The Big Bang

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do you fuck a supermassive black hole?

With a big bang.

Technically every person's life begins the same way the universe did:

With a big bang

My son asked me how his life started.

I sat him down and told him, "Well son, it all started with a big bang".

He said, "No dad, I know about that, I meant my life".

"That's what I'm talking about", I replied, "it was your mum, me and five other fellas".

yo mama so fat.... (that's right)

that the scientific community agreed your birth was conclusive evidence of the big bang

How do we know Allah exists?

Because it all started with a big bang
(BTW this is a repost from r/darkjokes)

Why can you not trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

(Seen on The Big Bang Theory)

I knew a girl so ugly, she fell asleep at a frat party...

and she woke up with more clothes on.

(Stolen from Big Bang theory, I just love this joke)

Two philosophers are engaged in a rousing debate.

The first says "All my studies, discussions and experiences lead me to firm belief that humans have agency. What has led you to your belief in determinism?"
The second responds:
"The big bang."

Allah must be the only God in the universe

I mean, Earth was created with a Big Bang

Guy is drunk at the local bar...

This Guy is really drunk at the bar, starting to spin and feeling pretty unwell. He decides, enough is enough I am going home. He goes to stand up, and bang falls straight on the floor. "Oh, I am so drunk he says, I will try again". He gets up on the seat takes a deep breath and goes to stand again....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At the beginning of time two schools were created.

One was Matter High, the other Antimatter High. Each was tasked with creating the fundamental laws that would define the growth and existence of the universe.

Students at Matter High developed Gravitation, Strong Attraction, Weak Attraction, and Electromagnetism.

Students at Antimatt...

What do nerds and Creationists have in common?

They're offended by The Big Bang Theory.

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