Usually, the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound..

On the road it's the other way around as you can hear the car horn before the lights turn green

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Niels Bohr: "So Let me get this straight. If I was having sex with my girlfriend and I thrust at the speed of light, would my penis gain infinite mass?"

Albert Einstein: "I suppose it would. One thing is for sure, you'd certainly create a black hole..."

Why do politicians words travel at the speed of light?

Because they don’t matter!

It seems that my kids move at the speed of light

Because when they throw a '5 min' tantrum, it last forever

Euler's Number, an imaginary number, and the speed of light are all waiting in line to buy tickets to the show. In what order do they stand in line?

*i* before *e*, except after *c*.

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I want to create a machine that would smash two boners together at nearly the speed of light.

I'll call it the Large Hard-on Collider

Donald Trump's speeches can travel faster than the speed of light

Cuz they contain no information

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What happens if you go around a pole at the speed of light?

You will fuck yourself both literally and metaphorically.

Einstein walks into a bar at 99% the speed of light.

He looks at the bartender and says, "Hey, how are you? Long-time."

Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but...

What if you aren't Catholic?

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The Speed of Light is 3*10^8 metres per second. What then is the Speed of Darkness?

100 metres over 9.58 seconds.



edit: wow this blew up overnight! How do I flair this as racist?

edit2: holy shit I was tired when I wrote this. My physics teacher will kill me. I wrote time/distance instead...

Scientists have found a way to slow down the speed of light...

They shine it through a post office.

When I asked the guy at Best Buy about the router’s speed, he kept insisting it’s not moving at the speed of light.

All I wanted to know was whether the router is N or G!

If nothing is faster than the speed of light

Why did I see that Asian lady turn before I saw her blinker

What's faster than the speed of light?

The speed of *how fast my wife jumps to conclusions*

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Einstein said that anything traveling at the speed of light would have infinite mass.

Your mom only travels to the Denny's and back and she's gotten pretty close.

Vin Diesel was riding his bike at the speed of light when a man asked him for a lift.

Vin Diesel stopped for him to hop on and continued riding at the speed of light.
After a while the man asked.
Man: "So what's your name?"
Vin: "Cin Diesel"
Man: "Don't you mean Vin Diesel?"
Vin: "No it's Cin Diesel"
Man: "But why?"
Vin: "Because at the speed of light c=v"

"According to relativity, time itself travels at the speed of light, but along the imaginary axis."

"i c"

So the speed of light, e, and the square root of (-1) walk into a bar...

So the speed of light, *e*, and (-1)^1/2 walk into a bar. The speed of light heads over to the bartender and gets his drink pretty quickly, as he's wont to do. Then (-1)^1/2 goes and orders his drink, and *e* just flips out on him. The square root of -1 asks *e* what's wrong, and he says, "I came in...

What's faster, the speed of thought or the speed of light?

Neither, it's diarrhea.

Before you could think about it or even turn the lights on, you've already shat yourself.

BLACK LIVES MATTER

Unless their mass times speed of light square


Then their energy

What's the fastest form of communication?

Sign language....since it travels at the speed of light.

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"What is the fastest thing you know?"

"What is the fastest thing you know?" the interviewer asked to 4 candidates.

Dave, the American, replied,"A THOUGHT”. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interv...

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One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and *poof* he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".

The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. *Poof*...

An American patriot told me, “These colors don’t run.”

Well actually yes they do. Faster than anything else in the universe: the speed of light.

Einstein walks out of a bar ...

.. at 99% the speed of light. He realizes he left his keys so turns around and goes back in.
Bartender says 'Albert ! Haven't seen you in years'

Einstein and Newton are in a bar...

...Einstein says to Newton, "I've found mathematically that as an object travels faster and faster, it experiences time lower and is squished in the direction parallel to the velocity, when viewed from a stationary perspective."

Newton replies "Interesting. Well, do go on."

Einstein ex...

A sprinter is training one day when he beats the world record.

After this he wakes up in the hospital with a concussion and a completely shattered foot.
"I'm afraid this happens sometimes in jokes," says the doctor, "and frankly you got off lightly. You reached the limit of what the laws of physics allow for and hit the fourth wall."

"Does this mean I...

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A man is looking to rent a camel...

He drives around and notices on the side of the road a man sitting with a sign that says, "Camel 4 Rent". Being ecstatic, he pulls over and talks to the owner regarding a rental.

"It will cost you $250 for one hour," says the owner of the camel.

"$250??? That's pretty expensive. How a...

My physics professor fails any student turning in a report without a blue coversheet

After working on my report all night, I accidentally used a white coversheet in a sleepless stupor. When I got to class the next morning, I panicked and threw the report at him at close to the speed of light!

I got a B+

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Superman was feeling super horny when all of a sudden he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing nude.

He goes at the speed of light, fucks her and flies off, without Wonder Woman even realizing.

Invisible Man gets up off Wonder Woman and says "All of a sudden my ass really hurts!"

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Superman was flying around metropolis one day...(NSFW)

...Minding his own business when all of a sudden he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on a roof. Wonder Woman appeared to be pretty amarous, as she was squirming around, moaning, and rubbing herself.

Superman:"Man, that's pretty damn hot. I know what I'll do. I'll fly down and use my supe...

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Superman is patrolling the skies of Metropolis, but then sees Wonder Woman completely naked in a penthouse suite lying on a bed...

Superman: "Hmm, if I can fly faster than the speed of light, I can probably have sex with her so fast she won't even know what happened!"

So Superman flies in, does the deed, and flies away with a big smile.

Meanwhile in the suite...
Wonder Woman: "What the fuck was that?"
The I...

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Einstein has once said…

If you can be naked and run around a tree at the speed of light, you can fuck yourself.

While wandering through the woods....

I came upon a rabbit who said he could jump over the moon. So I shot him. Then I happened upon a deer who said he was faster than the speed of light. So I shot him. Then a bear appeared and said he was in the Russian space program. So I shot him.

Remember, only you can prevent forest liars.

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Why I don't watch science documentaries with my mum.

Man on TV: Microwaves travel at the speed of light
Mum: Fuck me, that's impressive. Microwaves are heavy.

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Four equally qualified applicants interview for a job position...

...and the interviewer says to them all, "I'm glad you have all made it this far, and honestly I didn't expect all four of you to impress me as much as each of you did. However, you can't all get the job. This final interview will decide who gets the job. I will ask you all the same question, and wh...

Three things in the universe are constant.

The speed of light, gravity, and laundry.

A scientist drops a pig and a flashlight from a 20 storey building

He watches as both hit the ground at the same time.
With this he concluded pigs move at the speed of light.

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