Why do politicians words travel at the speed of light?

Because they don’t matter!

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Niels Bohr: "So Let me get this straight. If I was having sex with my girlfriend and I thrust at the speed of light, would my penis gain infinite mass?"

Albert Einstein: "I suppose it would. One thing is for sure, you'd certainly create a black hole..."

The speed of light is significantly faster than the speed of sound..

..which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

Usually, the speed of light is faster than the speed of sound..

On the road it's the other way around as you can hear the car horn before the lights turn green

Donald Trump's speeches can travel faster than the speed of light

Cuz they contain no information

It seems that my kids move at the speed of light

Because when they throw a '5 min' tantrum, it last forever

Albert Einstein walked into a bar at 99 percent the speed of light.

The bartender said, "Why the short face?"

Euler's Number, an imaginary number, and the speed of light are all waiting in line to buy tickets to the show. In what order do they stand in line?

*i* before *e*, except after *c*.

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I want to create a machine that would smash two boners together at nearly the speed of light.

I'll call it the Large Hard-on Collider

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What happens if you go around a pole at the speed of light?

You will fuck yourself both literally and metaphorically.

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The Speed of Light is 3*10^8 metres per second. What then is the Speed of Darkness?

100 metres over 9.58 seconds.



edit: wow this blew up overnight! How do I flair this as racist?

edit2: holy shit I was tired when I wrote this. My physics teacher will kill me. I wrote time/distance instead...

Einstein says that anything with mass can't go faster than the speed of light, but...

What if you aren't Catholic?

If nothing is faster than the speed of light

Why did I see that Asian lady turn before I saw her blinker

What's faster than the speed of light?

The speed of *how fast my wife jumps to conclusions*

Scientists have discovered the only thing faster than the speed of light is...

...the speed at which someone will tell you they're a vegan.

Scientists have found a way to slow down the speed of light...

They shine it through a post office.

So the speed of light, e, and the square root of (-1) walk into a bar...

So the speed of light, *e*, and (-1)^1/2 walk into a bar. The speed of light heads over to the bartender and gets his drink pretty quickly, as he's wont to do. Then (-1)^1/2 goes and orders his drink, and *e* just flips out on him. The square root of -1 asks *e* what's wrong, and he says, "I came in...

Vin Diesel was riding his bike at the speed of light when a man asked him for a lift.

Vin Diesel stopped for him to hop on and continued riding at the speed of light.
After a while the man asked.
Man: "So what's your name?"
Vin: "Cin Diesel"
Man: "Don't you mean Vin Diesel?"
Vin: "No it's Cin Diesel"
Man: "But why?"
Vin: "Because at the speed of light c=v"

"According to relativity, time itself travels at the speed of light, but along the imaginary axis."

"i c"

What's faster, the speed of thought or the speed of light?

Neither, it's diarrhea.

Before you could think about it or even turn the lights on, you've already shat yourself.

[NSFW] Superman had a hard week fighting crime and was ready for some fun.

He was flying home when he saw Wonder Woman sunbathing naked on the beach. "Wow", he said to himself, "I can fly down there at the speed of light and get a quickie before she knows what happened"
So Superman flew down, took advantage and then was gone.

"What the hell was that" asked Won...

What's the fastest form of communication?

Sign language....since it travels at the speed of light.

No matter what they say, you matter.

Unless you get multiplied by the speed of light squared. Then you Energy

Einstein walks out of a bar ...

.. at 99% the speed of light. He realizes he left his keys so turns around and goes back in.
Bartender says 'Albert ! Haven't seen you in years'

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

The Interview

An office manager was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of rsums he found four people who were equally qualified. An American, an Indian, a European and a Nigerian.He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answers w...

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Lonely superman

So one day superman is flying around lonely when he noticed wonder women naked on the beach having what looks like a wet dream.

He figures if he can fly down at the speed of light and do his business she would never even notice. After a few minutes he finally builds the courage and boom he go...

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One day there were three vampires bragging about their strength and power to each other.

The first vampire said, "look at my skill" and *poof* he's gone in a blink of an eye. He comes back with his mouth covered in blood and says, "see that village over there? I have sucked dry all of the villagers' blood".

The second vampire was impressed but didn't want to seem inferior. *Poof*...

An American patriot told me, “These colors don’t run.”

Well actually yes they do. Faster than anything else in the universe: the speed of light.

Einstein and Newton are in a bar...

...Einstein says to Newton, "I've found mathematically that as an object travels faster and faster, it experiences time lower and is squished in the direction parallel to the velocity, when viewed from a stationary perspective."

Newton replies "Interesting. Well, do go on."

Einstein ex...

My physics professor fails any student turning in a report without a blue coversheet

After working on my report all night, I accidentally used a white coversheet in a sleepless stupor. When I got to class the next morning, I panicked and threw the report at him at close to the speed of light!

I got a B+

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A man is looking to rent a camel...

He drives around and notices on the side of the road a man sitting with a sign that says, "Camel 4 Rent". Being ecstatic, he pulls over and talks to the owner regarding a rental.

"It will cost you $250 for one hour," says the owner of the camel.

"$250??? That's pretty expensive. How a...

A sprinter is training one day when he beats the world record.

After this he wakes up in the hospital with a concussion and a completely shattered foot.
"I'm afraid this happens sometimes in jokes," says the doctor, "and frankly you got off lightly. You reached the limit of what the laws of physics allow for and hit the fourth wall."

"Does this mean I...

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Proof that Santa doesn’t exists

There are about 2 billion children on earth. But Santa does not have to visit Muslims, Hindus, Jews or Buddhists, which reduces the number to 15% or 378 million. Thus, with a world average of 3.5 children per household, there are 108 million households to visit if we can assume that there are at le...

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Fastest Ever

On a typical COVID free for the boys day, Tom, Bob, and Joe are at the bar having a nice civil discussion on what the single fastest speed on the universe is. Bob outright says "the speed of lightning! Ain't nothing faster than the god of thunders toy". Tom being the scientist that he is doesn't hes...

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Superman is patrolling the skies of Metropolis, but then sees Wonder Woman completely naked in a penthouse suite lying on a bed...

Superman: "Hmm, if I can fly faster than the speed of light, I can probably have sex with her so fast she won't even know what happened!"

So Superman flies in, does the deed, and flies away with a big smile.

Meanwhile in the suite...
Wonder Woman: "What the fuck was that?"
The I...

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Superman was feeling super horny when all of a sudden he sees Wonder Woman sunbathing nude.

He goes at the speed of light, fucks her and flies off, without Wonder Woman even realizing.

Invisible Man gets up off Wonder Woman and says "All of a sudden my ass really hurts!"

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Superman was flying around metropolis one day...(NSFW)

...Minding his own business when all of a sudden he noticed Wonder Woman sunbathing nude on a roof. Wonder Woman appeared to be pretty amarous, as she was squirming around, moaning, and rubbing herself.

Superman:"Man, that's pretty damn hot. I know what I'll do. I'll fly down and use my supe...

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Einstein has once said…

If you can be naked and run around a tree at the speed of light, you can fuck yourself.

While wandering through the woods....

I came upon a rabbit who said he could jump over the moon. So I shot him. Then I happened upon a deer who said he was faster than the speed of light. So I shot him. Then a bear appeared and said he was in the Russian space program. So I shot him.

Remember, only you can prevent forest liars.

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Why I don't watch science documentaries with my mum.

Man on TV: Microwaves travel at the speed of light
Mum: Fuck me, that's impressive. Microwaves are heavy.

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Four equally qualified applicants interview for a job position...

...and the interviewer says to them all, "I'm glad you have all made it this far, and honestly I didn't expect all four of you to impress me as much as each of you did. However, you can't all get the job. This final interview will decide who gets the job. I will ask you all the same question, and wh...

Three things in the universe are constant.

The speed of light, gravity, and laundry.

A scientist drops a pig and a flashlight from a 20 storey building

He watches as both hit the ground at the same time.
With this he concluded pigs move at the speed of light.

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