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Earth Jokes

My daughter informed me that the earth is tilted at a 23.5 degree angle

I responded, “That’s not right.”


With a scowl, she pulled up google and proved to me that the earth is, in fact, tilted at a 23.5 degree angle.


“Precisely,” I agreed. “If the angle were right it would be 90°.”

What does Earth get on Earth day ?

A birthday quake !

An environmentalist was giving a speech and told his audience that if we continue on our present course all life on earth will be gone in 50 years

A member of the audience jumped to his feet and cried out in panic, "What? What did you say?!"

The environmentalist solemnly repeated, "I said if we continue the way we are that every man, woman, and child on earth will be gone in fifty years."

The man sat down in relief and said, "Oh,...

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God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

The Earth's surface is 70% water.

That water is uncarbonated. Therefore, the Earth is flat.

Me: The earth isn’t flat!

fiat earther: correct

me: huh?

fiat earther: it’s the shape of an Italian car

me: what?

fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?

What's the fastest liquid on earth?

Milk. It's pasteurized before you see it.

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

Why don't aliens visit Earth

Bc we have 1 star rating...

I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...

“That’s just spam”

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'Earth' without 'Art' is just 'Eh'.

Just like 'The United States of America' without 'heunedtatesam' is just 'Tits of Erica'.

If the earth really is flat

Wouldn't cats have pushed everything off the edge by now?

NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, and he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "A million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million dollars. "I want to give a million to my family", ...

What's the most sarcastic body of water on earth?

The Crimea River.

Two aliens are flying near earth

The first one says, "The dominant life form here have developed satellite based nuclear weapons."

The second one says, "Are they an emerging intelligence?"

The first one says, "I don't think so, they have it aimed at themselves."

The Earth used to be flat,

but then they buried yo mama.

The rotation of earth

Really makes my day.

Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?

Because everything is already 100% recycled.

So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...

...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.

During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.

"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask...

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Aliens invade earth

A flying saucer comes down one day. A group of heavily armed, green-skinned extraterrestrials disembark carrying enormous weapons.

One opens his mouth and announces "Greetings Earthlings! You have 72 hours to bring us your world leader! If he finds favor in our eyes, you will be spared. If ...

A _solar_eclipse is when the moon is between the Earth and the Sun. A _lunar_ eclipse is when the earth is between the Moon and the Sun. What’s it called when the sun is between the moon and the earth?

The apocalypse…

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After a 2000 year absence, the Virgin Mary takes a trip down to earth.



After a couple of days, she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is the Virgin Mary. I met a man." Peter says to her, "That's not bad. This is how it is down on earth."

The next day she calls back to heaven. "Hi Peter, this is the Virgin Mary. I kissed the man. Is that bad?" Pe...

I’ve just joined the Flat Earth Society.

We have members around the globe. (credit https://thejokecafe.com )

A cat owner invited their neighbor over for dinner and introduced their four cats. "That's Alogue, Aract, Erpillar, and Astrophe," they announced. The neighbor was surprised and asked, Where on Earth did you get those names?

Oh, those are their last names, the owner said. Their first names are Cat.

What's the most beautiful sound on earth?

An accordion falling from an 8th story window and landing on a banjo.

So Jesus decides to come back to earth...

He gets his friend Moses to come with him, and Moses tells him he should warm up doing miracles before he shows anyone. They rent a cabin on a lake out in the middle of nowhere.

The first day, Jesus takes a wine glass, fills it with water and turns it into wine! Moses is suitably impressed....

Earth, once was flat

Until they burried joe mama.

(might've been posted earlier, sorry if so)

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth

... After that, everything else was made in China.

The Martians have landed on Earth, and in meeting the world leaders, they have an audience with the Pope.

The Pope looks at them and asks, "Do you know Jesus?"

The Martian replies, "Oh, Jesus? Great guy! He comes and visits our planet twice every year!"

The Pope is astonished! It's been close to 2000 years since he was here and we're still waiting on his second coming."

The Martian ...

Why isn't Earth a perfect circle?

You try keeping your figure after 4.543 billion years.

flat earth

Idebated a flat earther once. He stormed off saying he'd walk to the edge of the earth to prove me wrong.
I'm sure he'll come around, eventually.

Scientists got so bored of watching the Earth spin that after 24 hours

They called it a day.

Why do small space rocks taste better than small Earth rocks?

They are a little meteor.

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Virgin Mary would like to return to earth once.

God allows it, but only on the condition that she calls heaven every evening. No sooner said than done.
On the first evening, Mary calls Heaven: "This is the Virgin Mary. I saw myself a beautiful skirt. May I buy it?" "Yes, you may. But call back tomorrow night."
The second night, "Here's ...

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Jesus is bored in heaven and decides to take a vacation to Earth

He thinks hitchhiking could be fun, so he disguises himself as an average looking American and flies down from heaven onto a highway in Nebraska. He sticks his thumb out and after a little while, an 18-wheeler pulls over to offer a ride. He climbs in the cab, tells the driver he's headed west and ...

"Dad, why is the Earth spinning?"

"Oh you little rascal, you took a sip of my beer, didn't you?"

What do you call the last skeleton on earth?

The end-o skeleton.

Three Aliens are discussing the fate of earth.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

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The Who in Middle Earth (OC AFAIK)

The drummer from The Who exposed his buttocks while visiting Middle Earth, causing Treebeard to catcall.

Basically, Keith's moon caused an ent whistle.

There are three kinds of people on this earth.

Those who are good at math and those who are not

Aliens arrive on earth

And all political and religious leaders line up to meet with them.

Finally it's the Pope's turn, and he asks them about Jesus.

P: "So have you heard about Jesus?"

A: "Yeah! Nice guy, comes to visit every year!"

The Pope is puzzled by this, and he replies "that's weird, ...

The Pope dies and stands in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks at him confused:" Who are you? I don't know you." The Pope says" I'm the Pope, the holy father". Peter scrolls through his holy book " Pope, Pope, holy father..... nope, not in here". Now the Pope is confused "But I'm God's representative on earth." Peter says " Pease wait a minute" ...

Earth without art

Is just, Eh

Everybody wants to save the earth;

nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes.

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If there is earth on planet Earth, why aren't there Jews on Jupiter?

Because it's a gas planet.

Everybody on Earth dies and goes to Heaven....

The Lord comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

Said and done, the next time The Lord looked, the women ar...

The British Flat Earth society opened a branch in the US

It is called Apartment Earth Society.

What do you say, when you finally find out the Earth isn’t flat?

That’s a relief

What language do they speak at the center of the earth?

Core-rean

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What’s the difference between Earth and Jupiter?

Your mom’s mass.

The Earth people in the background of a science fiction movie

are Terrestrial Extras

The Earth is a Giant Vibrator

Earthquakes are just god turning it on.

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

Sometime in the future, Canada will rule the earth.

And then you’ll all be sorry.

The earth is rotating at over 1000 miles an hour

However, humans don't feel the effect of it.

Until the 9th or 10th beer.

Heard about the viral YouTuber booted out of the Flat Earth Society?

They caught him trying to expand his sphere of influence.

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There is legend that goes like this: In a bar in New York there is a magical mirror If you go up to it and tell it the truth it will grant you a wish If you lie – poof it swallows you up.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead walk into this bar.
They head straight for the mirror.
The redhead goes first and says “I think I’m the most beautiful woman on Earth” Poof- the mirror swallows her up.
The brunette goes up to the mirror and says “I think I’m the sexiest woman on Earth” Po...

Martians arrive on earth

They're peaceful and happy and everyone loves them. Obviously humanity has tons of questions they'd like to ask them so the U.N. decides to arrange a conference. All the world leaders, public intellectuals and religious heads are in attendance to ask their most burning questions. Finally it is the p...

Which event on earth do aliens hate the most?

Miss Universe

A tv show about the earth would be really boring

It would just be the same 4 seasons over and over again being rerun.

What’s the difference between USA and Middle Earth?

Two Towers

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

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Astronomy Fact: You can fit 63 Earths inside Uranus

64 if you relax.

Earth Day

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "So what are you doing to celebrate Earth Day?" the bartender asks. "Oh, already done," the guy replies. "I sent all my work related e-mails to my recycling bin."

Why does the Earth need a tutor?

Because it has seven “C”s.

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Three of the smallest people on earth get into an argument…

about who is the smallest. The first guy says “I know for sure, I got the smallest hands of any man who ever lived.” The other two didn’t believe him. So, he went to the Guinness book of world records to get measured. Sure enough, the next day he shows up with a gold-seal certificate from Guinne...

Why is it impossible for a flat Earther calculate the volume of the Earth?

Because there is always a rounding error.

Not Earth!

God was looking for a place to take a vacation.

An angel suggested, "How about Earth?"

God said; "Are you kidding? I hooked up with a Jewish girl there 2000 years ago, and they STILL haven't stopped talking about it!"

I just invented a way of powering the earth off of toddlers

Mine produces about 1000 what are's every day.

What is Earth's favorite pastime?

Making fun of other planets for having no life.

What is a chefs favorite earth spell?

Cast iron

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Female aliens are invading earth and kidnapping men with large cocks.

You're in no danger. I'm just writing you to say goodbye.

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Mountains are just earth boners

Volcanoes then....

I was feeling depressed so my wife came, put her hand on my shoulder, and said “Earth”

That meant the world to me.

Why is it always a surprise when a meteor enters Earth's atmosphere?

Because they appear out of thin air.

Why haven't aliens visited earth yet?

They read the reviews... only one star

A 17-year-old boy who works part-time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of the house in a beautiful Porsche.

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.

“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.
“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.
“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how much a...

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group.

I just got kicked out of Flat Earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing guideline has pushed anyone over the edge yet.

The Flat Earth society have made a new documentary....

.....which has been nominated for the Golden Globe award.

No wonder everyone's attracted to the earths center

It is pretty hot

No, flat-earthers are right. The earth is supposed to be flat.

Until they burried your mom beneath it.

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I really hope coronavirus can't spread through sex

It would be so lonely being the last man on Earth.

A flat earth conspiracist was boasting about how many people believe that the Earth is flat...

He said, “We have supporters all around the globe!!!”

Three nuns die and arrive in heaven

Three nuns arrive in heaven. Peter is standing at the gates, and he welcomes them into heaven, but tells them before they can enter they must answer a question.

Peter comes to the first nun and asks “what was the name of the first man on earth ?”

“Oh that’s an easy one!” the nun say...

Thanos came to Earth in 2023

seeking the six Infinity Stones. As he sat on a rock, waiting for his underlings to bring the Stones to him, three strange men arrived in front of him, seemingly out of nowhere. One wore a red cape, another bore a red shield, the third was clad in a red suit. They fought, and it was a bloody battle,...

I patented a design that would till the earth as it cut the grass

But no one wanted to buy my Hoe-Mow

My father is a very down to earth type person

Buried 6 feet deep

The earth aint flat

But it could be if yo momma fell over

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Ooo heaven is a place on earth

Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. ‘So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?’...

Congratulations to the winner of last night's presidential debate!

The Voyager probe, flying away from Earth at an estimated 62000 km per hour.

Today SpaceX announced plans to launch several Guernsey cows into low earth orbit

They shall be known as "The Herd Shot Round The World."

We are all here on earth to help others;

what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

Why do flat-Earthers think the Earth is flat?

Because if the Earth is round, their world would be pointless

Can you conquer the largest continent on earth?

No, but Genghis Khan!

What did Venus say to Earth?

Ewwwwwww, you’ve got Humans!!

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So two aliens find their way to earth

They land in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger ...

Just how thicc is the Earth?

THICCCCCCC with seven C's

Earth is the third planet from the sun.

By this logic, all countries are third world countries

A man dies and is waiting to be transported to heaven

He asks Death about what happens next. Death replies "YOU WERE A GOOD MAN ON EARTH , YOU WILL GO TO HEAVEN , WHERE YOU WILL ENJOY ETERNAL YOUTH , YOU CAN DO BASICALLY ANYTHING YOU WANT , ANYTHING YOUR HEART DESIRES ". The man thinks to himself, "that's wonderful", and settles down for the journey....

Today is the Perihelion, the day the earth is closest to the sun

Not to be confused with the perineum, which is closest to the moon.

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A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.”

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway an...

Workers at the International Earth Rotation Service have gone on strike.

This is going to be a long day.

Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go round the earth for 24 hours, so they called it a day.

I'm sorry.

Aliens visit earth

People were found by extraterrestrials. Aliens descended from the skies on the earth surface. Humanity wondered who should they sent to talk to the aliens. Top scientists from around the world agreed to send prominent biologist and well-known religion critique Richard Dawkins. He approached the spac...

Thor was viewing the earth, when he saw a beautiful milkmaid. He transformed to human form, descended to earth - and seduced her.

They made love for 3 days and 3 nights, then one morning Thor was stood with his back to her, shuttered sunlight streaming through his golden hair and across his massive frame - the very image of godlike perfection. And he spoke.

“Darling, I must away from this place” he turned round for dram...

On Earth, science is driven by curiosity

On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.

God said a good woman would be found in one of the four corners of the Earth

Then God made the world round.

What did Earth say to the other planets?

Wow. You guys have no life.

I have been calculating the surface of the Earth in flat-earth point of view.

And they were right saying that the government had been hiding much land and the surface is actually larger. How else would they be able to walk that far to fool themselves.

Scientists have determined that the Earth has a resonant frequency

The planet resonates at a low B note. However if you were flying away in a space ship the frequency would drop due to the doppler effect, and the Earth would B flat.

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An old holocaust survivor dies and gets into heaven

He seeks out God and asks him: "Hey God, I've heard this really funny joke on earth. Do you want to hear it?"

God smiles serenly and answers: "Yes, my son, please tell it to me."

The jew grins and says: "How do you get the number of a girl in Auschwitz? You look on her arm!"

God...

Say what you will about flat earth theory

But last time I checked all the water on the surface of the earth isn't carbonated

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