The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

My best friend is frustrated with dating and says he can't find a good girl. I reassured him that good girls are found in every corner on Earth.

What I didn't bring up is the fact Earth is round...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy and his friend are sitting on a sofa having a few beers. Guy #1 - “What would you do if we found out an asteroid was going to hit the earth in one hour?”

Guy #2 - “I would fuck the first thing that moved. What would you do?”

Guy #1 - “I’d sit very fucking still for the next hour!”

The only real thing that Flat Earthers fear...

is sphere itself

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So two aliens find their way to earth

They land in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling.
We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger ...

What's flatter than the earth?

The heart monitor of an anti-vax kid.

Flat Earth theory debunked

We can say with certainty that the Earth is not flat because if it was cats would have tossed everything off the edge already.

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I found an alien masturbating in my freezer last night. I asked him what on earth he was doing in there.

He said, “I cum in peas.”

Scientists got bored of watching the earth spin so after 24 hours

They called it a day

I got an e-mail saying, "At Google Earth, we can read maps backwards!" and I thought...

“That’s just spam.”

Thanks to my wife I'm the happiest man on Earth.

She's gone away for the week.

Did you hear about the guy who tried to prove the Earth was flat by walking to the edge?

He finally came around.

My flat-earther friend decided to walk to the end of the world to prove it's flat!

In the end, he came around.

God said that all men will find love in every corner of the Earth

Then he made the Earth round and laughed and laughed and laughed.

What language do they speak at the center of the earth?

Core-ean

What is earth's favorite genre of music?

Metalcore

Did you hear about the mathematician who miscalculated the shape of the Earth?

He made a rounding error

The Earth-Moon joke.

I wonder if Earth makes fun of the Moon for having no life.

Asked a girl at the bar if she'd like to come back to my place and she said, "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on Earth."

So I replied, "If I were the last man on Earth, you wouldn't even be allowed in *line*.

How on earth can I like Maroon Five..

... when I haven’t even seen the first Four?

What did earth say to the other planets?

You guys have no life

Three aliens are discussing the fate of Earth.

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

Join the flat earth society! We don’t discriminate, because...

We have members all around the globe.

Yes. Flat earth is truly a global movement with a great “sphere” of influence.

If the Earth is flat...

...how come my life is perpetually going downhill?

Check mate, flat earthers

99.99% of scientists claim that the Earth is, in fact, round.

Anyways, I lost my job as a scientist today.

Bus drivers are the rudest persons on Earth.

They never give up their seats for elderly or disabled people.

Earth is flat

...on paper

If Anakin Skywalker was from a country on Earth, where would he come from?

El Salvader

What would happen if the earth became a cube?

We would all be cubans

An alien was sent to earth to make contact with the human race...

He crash lands in the woods of Siberia. Wandering around, he spots two men sitting by a tree, drinking.He thinks what's the best way to make contact. After a while, he approaches them:

"I am Salurn".

"Pour him some vodka, Ivan. It's quite cold. Let him warm up"

He accepts the dr...

Never start fights with flat earth theorist!

They’ll always go over the edge

The most boring man on Earth walks into a bar.

He orders a beer.

What is the name of the phenomenon where the Sun is between the Earth and the Moon?

Apocalypse

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Right now I'm part of one of the largest networks on Earth.

The sewer-connected butts.

How many humans does it take to save Earth from climate change?

None, and only none.

Two Middle-earth entomologists are looking at a small insect...

"It looks like a tick", says the first. "No, it has wings, I am certain it is a beetle", says the other.

After some arguing, they call in an expert.

Gandalf takes one look and says,

"Fly, you fools!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day I would love to have sex in Space.

Or on Earth.

Who became second richest person on earth thanks to their wife?

Jeff Bezos

What is the wettest country on earth?

United Kingdom, because the Queen has reigned for years.

*this is my 8 year old daughters absolute favorite joke.

Sun to Earth, on the night of 31st December:

"Let's have another round, shall we?"

I just got sent down to the stores for 10 metres of electrical wire, 6A rated, five cores (red, blue, yellow, black and earth).

Weird flex, but OK.

How do you know the earth is female

Because it's bipolar

What's the best place on Middle-Earth to get a new door?

MoreDoor

A black hole will devour the earth.

Sucks, doesn't it?

Astronomers got tired after watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours...

So they decided to call it a day

So Jesus decides to come back to earth...

He gets his friend Moses to come with him, and Moses tells him he should warm up doing miracles before he shows anyone. They rent a cabin on a lake out in the middle of nowhere.

The first day, Jesus takes a wine glass, fills it with water and turns it into wine! Moses is suitably impressed....

I met a guy who believes the Earth is flat. He set off on a journey to see for himself.

I'm sure he'll come around.

Said in my middle school science class. "Halophiles are a type of bacteria that can survive in the saltiest places on earth."

Student Response: Does that mean they can survive inside a Fortnite lobby?

I wanted to high five this student so hard.

Who are the shiniest people on Earth?

Polish people.

Earth is the most dangerous planet

100% of humans die there

Two flat earthers die and go to heaven. At the pearly gates they have the chance to ask god any questions they want and get truthful answers, so one flat earther asks god "is the earth flat?" to which god answers "No."

The flat earther looks at the other and says "this goes higher than we thought".

How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

on a plane

I love the way the earth rotates

It really makes my day.

Here’s a joke: the Flat Earth Society

The earth is obviously a donut

Did you know that Milk is the fastest liquid on earth?

It's pasteurized before you even see it.

How do we know the earth isn't flat?

Cuz your mama so fat she would've tipped us over by now

Aliens invade the Earth

Aliens invade the Earth. They round-up the leaders of all countries in the world. Their leader brags to them about how superior and far more intelligent their race is compared to earthlings who are focused on petty differences and destroying their own planet.

Just to give an example of his i...

Earth is dangerous

Did you know that Earth is the most dangerous planet in the Universe, 100% if human deaths takes place on earth

The king of precipitation doesn't visit Earth very often.

He reigns from above.

What’s longest purple thing on earth you can see from the moon?

The Grape Wall of China

Chuck Norris kicked Earth once

It didn't stop spinning since then

Why did Earth Day not affect /r/jokes?

Because everything is already 100% recycled.

Why does a Moon rock taste better than an Earth rock?

Because it's a little meteor.

A parachutist is plummeting to Earth

Because her ripcord malfunctioned.

As she frantically pulls at the defective cord, she passes a man atop a stove traveling the opposite way.

She yells out to him, “Hey, do you know how to fix a parachute!?”

He replies back “No! Do you know anything about repairing gas lines??”

Two aliens are observing Earth from their spaceship in outer space...

"This is interesting," says the first, "the biped species on this planet has developed satellite based nuclear weapons."

"Are they an emerging intelligence?" Asks the second alien, who looks exactly like the first.

"I don't know, they have them all pointed at themselves."

If I was the last person on earth and farted...

I guess you could call me the Last Airbender

“We’re rotating on the earths axis at 750 mph and revolving around the Sun at 67,000 mph, moreover we’re moving, in relation to other galaxies, at 490,000 mph...”

“So my question is Your Honour, in the strictest meaning of the word ‘speeding’, are we not all in a sense ‘guilty’ ? “.

A dangerous looking space ship comes down to earth

The aliens take over all radio, tv and other technologies to broadcast a message

Alien: “we are a dangerous species from the planet Pluto”

-
-
-
-

*all humans start to chuckle under their breath*

I have the best girlfriend i would not trade for anything on earth

but NASA was having this sale on moon rocks at the gift-shop

The Flat Earth Society has members all across the globe.

And anti-vaxxers are full-grown adults.
Thank God, I'm an atheist.

The Only Thing Flat-Earthers Fear

Is Sphere Itself.

my only joke i've ever came up with and it flat-out sucks.

no way around it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two aliens are trying to figure out how to infiltrate earth to blend in...

They spend a lot of time watching how people go about their lives and decide the first thing they need to do to exist and blend is get money to thrive. They land their spaceship in a cornfield and walk to the closest place they can find, a gas station. They walk up to the gas pump and demand it give...

We were born too late to explore the earth and born too early too explore the galaxy...

But we were born at the right time to explore grapes

All 8 planets are singing Happy Birthday to the Sun and it sounds terrible.

Everyone turns to Earth and Earth says, "don't look at me, I'm not flat"

What do you call a group of people hell-bent on destroying the Earth?

Terrarists

One day every Christian woman on the earth became pregnant

Millions of women suddenly all become pregnant at once, the odd thing was that all of the newly pregnant women were Christian so the pope decided to hold a press conference the next day

A man stood up in the crowd and said "look we all know why we're here, do you have any idea why all your fe...

A flying saucer lands on Earth and an alien is brought before the UN.....

He's asked, "Why have you come to earth?"

He replies, " I have come to this world to spread the word about our lord and saviour Jesus Christ."

Shocked they ask, "You've heard of Jesus too?"

Yes he comes to my planet every 10 years or so, works a few miracles. Tells us where we'...

Overcome with the beauty of the Earth from space, the astronaut removed his helmet

The view was breathtaking

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Most creatures on earth are carbon based, but you might be made of Einsteinium

You dense motherfucker.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Aliens 100 light years away watching earth by telescope.

*Germany is gonna surrender*

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"Doc..." says Steve. "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for!?" asks the doctor in amazement.

"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done." replies Steve.

"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor. "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"

"I'm aware of t...

How do you make your girlfriend stop believing in the Earth being flat?

You make her wear a dress that shows a map of the Earth.

So there God was creating the earth.

So there God was creating the earth. Along comes the archangel Michael and starts to get curious. "What are you makin', there?" "I'm designing the earth. A wonderful planet of perfect balance." God smiles.

"Balance?" Michael asked confused.... "How so?"

"Well, have a look. You see th...

What does the Earth do after a bad breakup?

Gets drunk off its axis.

Why haven’t aliens visited Earth yet?

They read the reviews, we only have one star.

I asked a Flat Earther to tell me what the volume of the Earth was but he couldn't give me a good answer.

There was a significant rounding error.

Scientists were divided over the effects of the changes in the earth's magnetic field.

They were polarized!

Earth review

Got mooned during my stay...

I'd give it one star.

Some people say that the earth is on a turtles back.

Can you imagine if it was on a pterodactyls back?
it would be a Terradactyl.
(edit: Grammar)

If you read the bible backwards its about a man sent to earth on a cross who is helped down by some Romans and told to go on his way. He then travels the world making people blind and giving them leprosy. He even ruins a meal for a huge crowd by turning all their food into 2 fish and 5 loaves.

He gets fewer followers as time goes by and in the end he's lying in a stable and 3 old men steal all his presents.

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Three cavemen are on the hunt...

when one of them absent-mindedly wanders over the edge of a cliff, falling to a hideous death on the jagged rocks below.

The other two Cavemen peer over the edge in puzzlement.

The first caveman, Atuk, grunts, "What happen to him?"

The second caveman, Krunk, scratches his head ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Alien Wife

A Martian couple and an Earthling couple have met and are talking about all sorts of things. Finally, the subject of sex comes up.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asked the Earthling. "Pretty much the way you do," responded the Martian. Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How come aliens haven't checked out earth?

They couldn't get past Uranus.

Her: If I were the last human on earth, would you date me?

Him: Well I'd be dead, so no.

What do you call an Austrian who believes in flat earth?

Nothing, they don’t exist
(Australian)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One day god comes down to earth to tell Adam and Eve that he has 2 gifts for them.

He says "The first gift is the ability to pee standing."
"Yes, yes, yes! I'll take that one! Says Adam.
Adam, happy with the gift of the penis, starts running and jumping around, peeing on everything.
Eve then asks God, "If that was the first gift, what is the second?"
"Brains, Eve. Brai...

When God integrated Planet Earth, he thankfully recalled his Calculus lesson.

He remembered to add the sea.