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Electron Jokes

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What do a vibrator and a farmer's alarm clock have in common?

They're both electronic replacements for cocks.

Two atoms were walking down the street and one suddenly stops and says, “Oh no, I think I lost an electron!”

The other atom asks, “are you positive?”

A rabbit walks into an electronics store

He goes up to the counter and bangs his hands down hard on it to get the cashiers attention.

**\*BANG BANG\***
"I'd like two carrots please."

The cashier is naturally surprised by everything about this interaction, but being the professional that he is politely says, "I'm sorry, b...

A molecule tells another:

“A free electron once stripped me of an electron after he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them!”

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New company mergers

(I marked it NSFW because of the last one - not sure if it's considered NSFW, so just to be safe...)

For all of you with any money, be aware of these expected mergers so that you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks. Watch for these consolidations:

1. Hale Business S...

Honest Priest

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course child, What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limit...

what is the difference between a seal and a sea lion?

An electron.

You hear the one about Electronic Arts?

The punchline in $25.

The electrons couldn't wait to become lightning

When it happened, they were ex-static

Two atoms were talking to each other…

and one said, "I think I might have just lost an electron." The other atom asked, "Are you sure?" The first atom replied, "Yes, I'm positive."

How did the DJ threaten his unruly apprentice who was responsible for all of the electronic beats

He threatened him with real percussions

What do you call the particle that works at a polling station?

An electron

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I went to the Worst Strip Club in Texas

There was only one other person there, a 80-something year old woman with flabby tits and makeup so thick it caked up around her eyes. She was sitting on the edge of the stage, smoking a rolled up cigarette between her dentures with her prosthetic metal hook hand.

When she saw me, she stood u...

An electron is driving down a motorway, and a policeman pulls him over.

The policeman says: “Sir, do you realize you were traveling at 130km per hour?”

The electron goes: “Oh great, now I’m lost."

The electron asked the photon, “Have you packed a suitcase?”

The photon said, “No, I’m travelling light.”

A blonde walked into an electronics store and said to the salesmen: "I want that tv."

The salesperson shook his head and said, "No, we don't sell to blondes."

So the blonde left and came back with her hair dyed brown and said: "I'll take that tv."

Again the salesman said: "No, we don't sell to blondes."

So she left again and came back with her hair dyed black and...

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A man on the street said I look like I have a penis in my mouth when I vape

So I took my Personal Electronic Nicotine Inhalation System and left.

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Husband goes to a police station, says ‘My wife is missing!’

Husband goes to a police station...
“My wife is missing! She went out yesterday and has not come home...”

Sergeant at Police Station:
“What is her height?”

Husband:
“Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall

Sergeant:
“Weight?”

Husband:
“Don't know. N...

They banned talking on mobile phones while driving in Germany

With the new law, a man went to an electronics shop looking for something that would help him to answer his calls, but still keep his focus on driving. The store employee offered to have his brother Hansel ride with him and put the phone up to his ear when it rang.

The man said "No, that won'...

A retail worker was talking to a customer when they noticed some long, high pitched noises coming from the electronic section

‘Your Macbooks aren’t breaking are they?’ mused the slightly concerned customer.


The worker listened to the noise for a moment before motioning offhandedly to the speaker section.

‘Don’t worry, it’s just a Dell.’

The Smiths were proud of their family tradition. Their ancestors had come to America on the Mayflower and their descendants included senators and Wall Street wizards.

They decided to compile a family history, a legacy for their children and grandchildren.
They hired a fine author.
Only one problem arose, how to handle great-uncle George, the criminal, who was executed in the electric chair.
The author said he could handle the story tactfully.
The book...

A few moments after the big bang a cloud full of Hydrogen atoms fall into a blackhole and die.

A few moments after the big bang a cloud full of Hydrogen atoms fall into a blackhole and die. The arrive at the border between multiverses and meet Saint Platinum-Erbium

St PtEr says to them "Welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through, but before I may do that, I must ask each...

An electron walked into a bar

And another one came out the other side

Electrons

Two molecules are walking down the street. They accidently bump into each other, and one of them looks down, shakes his head, and says, "Damn, I lost an electron." The other molecule is surprised and says, "Are you sure??" The other one says, "Yeah, I'm positive."

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A couple lived near

the ocean and walked the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn’t unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing, she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them.


Generally, ...

Girl are you an electron?

Because I’m positive I feel potential between us

I think I saw my friend with an extra electron...

...so I'm going to keep an ion him.

Why was the electron a pessimist?

Because he always put a negative spin on things

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Usually one. Lightbulbs are relatively easy to screw in, although depending on the position/location of said light it may require a stepladder or some sort of object to stand on to elevate yourself. Always be careful when installing electronics, make sure the light switch is OFF before going near it

What do you call it when an electron cheats?

A current affair!

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Two American business men in the 1980s are visiting Tokyo, Japan to make a business deal with an electronics company

Sadly the CEO (Mr. Yamoto) had an unexpected issue to deal with at one of his factories and couldn't see the men that day, but had his COO (Mr. Hagino) not only invite the two Americans to join them for a round of golf the next day to discuss business, but also to show them around and keep them ent...

A blonde walks into an electronics store

She looks around and eventually calls a worker over and says “I’d like to buy this tv”

The worker tells her kindly, “I apologize miss, but store policy is that we don’t sell things to blondes”.

Very angry, she leaves and goes to a salon and dyes her hair black. Then she goes back the n...

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How many reddit users does it take to replace a lightbulb?

1 to make a post about it,
4 to mention that its the wrong forum,
1 to post it to the right forum,
7 to suggest op should post it to the electronics forum,
2 to post it to the electronics forum,
1 mod to delete the second post,

3 to suggest an image post would have gathered mor...

Man in a helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, ci...

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”

 

What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

I was arrested the other day for stealing people's electrons.

I was heavily charged,despite my victims say it was overall a positive experience.

There were three electrons going on a tour

Of Rhode Island. They are walking around happily when the police came and arrested one of them.

Despite protests from his friends , he was thrown across the state borders and asked to never come back. But him being a sport sneaked back across that night itself.

The next day, they were ...

The Story of Chekhov's Gun

A man brought his date back to his apartment.

"And this is my apartment. Would you like some alcohols? My roommate, Chekhov, has a whole bunch of alcohols. He likes to buy them."

"No thanks," said the woman who was wearing a red scarf.

"He also has a gun that is usually right th...

How far do electrons travel?

Coulometers!

An atom loses an electron...

It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."

Fixing or building electronics is kind of like the rememberal from Harry Potter.

When the smoke comes out, it means you've forgotten something.

Chemistry joke

Proton and neutron were chilling in the nucleus one day, then proton asks neutron: “Why you only hangout with me in here instead of electron?”

Neutron replies: “He was too negative to begin with.”

55 protons, 78 neutrons, 55 electrons, 6 croutons.

Cesium salad.

I went to an Art Gallery, it was $60 to enter and $80 to look at each picture.

It was called Electronic Arts.

Schrödinger's cat

There once was a cat in a pickle

Whose life was not worth a nickle

From an electron gun shot

It both was and was not

It's very existence is fickle

Where do electronics go for fun?

The circuits

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Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

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Why, what, who?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does...

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

What do you call an insect that is into electronic music?

A house fly.

An electron is breaking the speed limit going along a motorway...

...When he is pulled over by a Proton. Proton: do you know how fast you were going?
Electron: yes, but now I have no clue as to where I am.

If your phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice...

At night, the rice will attract Asians who will fix your electronics for you.

What do you call a seal that has lost an electron?

A sealion

TIL there's one country that still doesn't use ANY form of electronic money transfer.

It's the Cheque Republic

I don’t like to use painting softwares

Because it is Electronic Arts

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Do you have an email address?

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and three kids. He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that...

A scientist was studying life extending properties through diet...

And realized he had the perfect formula for eternal life. He developed a special food formula which he fed to seagulls. Then he would feed their eggs to a pair of dolphins.

After 10 years on a diet of fortified seagull eggs, the dolphins hadn't aged a day. But there was one problem. Th...

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Soon after 9/11, an Arab leaves behind a suitcase at a train station

Standing nearby is a blond-haired blue-eyed white man who immediately notices this. He walks up to the suitcase and the zipper's not completely closed, so he takes a peek inside.

He sees electronic gizmos, what looks like a timer, and a huge pile of cash. He grabs the suitcase and chases down...

What did the negative electron say when electrovalent bonding?

Up-n-atom.



P.s. Sorry, first joke here. Not sure if OC yet but hope you enjoyed it!

You'd think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to each other, but instead they steal each others electrons.

Isn’t that Ionic?

A man died and went to heaven...

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, “what are those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are repost-Clocks, every subreddit on Earth has a repost-Clock. Every time the sub reposts the han...

A proton, electron and a neuton get into a bar fight.

The bartender calls cops and they show up to arrest everyone. The cops cuff the proton and electron but they let the neutron go because nobody could press charges.

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New Job

I just got a new job. When I applied the boss bragged about the company being extremely efficient. He said, "Everything is electronic, we don't use one single sheet of paper.

Everything was going great, until I took my first shit."

Two hydrogen atoms decide that they want to ride on the Large Hadron Collider.

They jump on a plane to Switzerland and sneak in while no one is looking. As they start to speed up one of them realises that they have both lost their electrons. It mentions it to his friend who asks "Are you sure?"

It replys "I'm positive."

Why is the electron not at the nucleus?

It's gone fission.

First Stephen Hawking, now Avicii?

Tough year for the Electronic community.

Hey girl are you an electron?

Because you’re so damn negative

Someone should make an electronics shop that sells resistors and call it:

The Ohm Depot

Why does texas have no power?

Democrats stole the electrons.

None of my European electronics worked properly in the US, until I prayed to God.

Turns out they just needed a higher power.

Electron joke

Why did the electron went up to the 3rd shell?



It was Bohrd

The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. One day, a guided school tour arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ...

An electron is driving really fast...

...when a cop pulls it over.

"Do you even know how fast you were going there?" Asks the cop.

"Of course," replies the electron, "I knew exactly how fast I was going. But I thought this was the highway!"

"The highway?" The cop asks, shocked. "Do you even know where you are?"
<...

My doctor asked if I wanted a digital prostate exam..

He didn't mention there were no electronics involved but now I get his point

Alliteration

A husband and wife were resting on a beach when they noticed a girl with a travel bag. She would approach people with boom boxes and other electronic devices and speak to them. Occasionally she would hand them something and walk off.


"She's probably selling drugs," said the woman.

...

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Calling in sick...

A young man had just got a job at an electrical store and was to start work on Monday. Unfortunately, he called in sick for the day. The boss was a little annoyed but decided that shit happens and let it go.

The guy came in Tuesday and sold a stack of electronics, and continued on for the res...

Why did the dad proton want his daughter proton to marry an electron?

So the wedding would be free of charge

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I thought it was just the U.S's insatiable need for inexpensive, single-use, remote controlled electronic junk that my son always wants crappy toys made in China that break after 5 days

But it seems China feels the same way about their rockets.

20 Things to do Before You Die...

1) Look at see through glass and when someone is on the other side shout "OH MY GOD, I'M HIDEOUS!"
2) Bring a big chair into the elevator facing away from the door and when someone walks in, dramatically turn and say 'we've been expecting you.'
3) Walk up to someone, hand them a potato, look t...

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It is the year 2200

In a small city lived a master fisherman. This fisherman was famous throughout the world for being able to catch numerous amounts of fish in any body of water. Now, fish these days have mutated and changed quite a bit, but this fisherman was able to catch them all with little to no effort.

On...

That electronic musician is so promiscious...

...he puts the MIDI in chlamydia.

An electron and a proton walk into a magnetic field...

Yes. That's it. There's no punchline. Physics isn't a joke.

Engineers solving a problem

A guy goes on a trip with 3 Friends; an electrical engineer, a physics engineer and an IT specialist. Few hours into the trip the car breaks down. The electrical engineer says: "Well i know this issue, there must be some problems with the electronics of this car". The physics engineer says "Of cours...

2 scientists were at a science sale

The first one was selling protons and electrons for .10 cents each. The second one was just handing out neutrons to anyone. When I asked the second one why he wouldn't accept any money for the neutrons he repllied: *they're free of charge*.

Which element is most likely to surrender an electron?

Francium.

I hate being around electrons.

They’re always so negative!

A human losing weight is like an atom losing electrons

Everything is positive after that.

Modern batteries would not work without ionized lithium.

The ions appear to be pretty volatile, I've heard a lot of electronics factories are afraid of unionisation.

How do hydrogen atoms find a new leader?

They hold an *electron*.

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You can't have that TV until....

Long ago, a teenage kid went into an electronics store in New York. He really liked this TV and he wanted to buy it. Since his dad was very rich, he knew he could purchase it no matter what. So heads up to the store owner and asks him, "How much for that TV?" The store owner says, "That TV is not fo...

Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons

They forgot to mention Morons.

Do you know what it feels like to lose an electron?

You tell me, Ion know.

Cruise Control

*Author's note: I just came up with this while working my tech-related job, and I'm posting from my phone. I apologize if the joke just isn't as funny as I think it is, or if there are any formatting mistakes.*

A cruise ship is swept up in a violent tropical storm, throwing it off-course. The...

Electronic arts?

More like electronic farts!

*crowd goes wild*

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