Why can’t you trust an atom?

Because they make up literally everything.

What do atoms and black lives have in common?

They matter

Why did the atom not laugh at his friend's joke?

It was no laughing matter...

Did you know that atoms never touch each other. And since we’re made of atoms, we’ve never touched anything in our entire lives.

So to answer your question officer, no I did not punch that kid.

A helium atom walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases in here."
The helium doesn't react.

Did you hear the joke about the two helium atoms?

He He

What do you call a secret agent that holds two atoms together?

Bond. Atomic Bond.

Two atoms are walking back home together...

One of the atom stumbles and falls

Atom: ouch, I think I just lost an electron.

Atom 2: are you sure?

Atom: I'm positive.

Never Date an Atom

They make up a bunch of stuff and then they split on you.

What did the molecule say to the atom after he got in trouble?

I’ve got my ion you.

Who do you call to fix an atom?

A quantum mechanic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Helium atom feel lonely? No one wanted to bond with it would be a logical answer.

The truth is, it is just an asshole!

Why isn’t energy made up of atoms?

It doesn’t matter.

Which type of fish has only 2 atoms? [OC]

2 Na

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar

Followed by Batman.

How do atoms decide which one should be put in charge?

By having general electrons.

An atom loses an electron...

It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."

A human losing weight is like an atom losing electrons

Everything is positive after that.

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

Two aliens are sitting in their spaceship looking at the earth.

One of them has been researching whether an invasion would be viable. He reports back to his commander "the humans have somehow managed to harness the power of the atom to create some of the most powerful weapons I've ever seen".

The commander says "maybe it would be unwise for us to invade t...

You'd think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to each other, but instead they steal each others electrons.

Isn’t that Ionic?

What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl??

See? Sometimes alcohol IS the answer!!

What’s an atoms favorite video game?

Half-life

A wise man once said:"never trust atoms!"

"They make up everything"




I'll see my way out

What is the profession of the handsomest atoms?

They're atomic models

What are 2 Protoactinium atoms together called?

PaPa

The chemistry teacher babbles on, "Yada yada, chemical formulae, elements, atoms, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium..."

One of the students stands up and says, "BORON!!!"

What did the sub atomic duck say to the other sub atomic ducks?

Quark

What do you call a molecular ring of six iron atoms?

A ferrous wheel.

[OC] Why are atomic clocks so funny?

Perfect timing

The worst possible pet you can have is an atom

They are always up to something when you're not looking, and when you look back they act totally innocent. If they are even still there.

Did you hear Oasis's new song about the attraction and repulsion of atoms?

"And after all, you're my Van der Waals"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An H+ ion and a hydrogen atom were bonding

"No homo?" the hydrogen atom asks.
"No homo," the H+ ion says sadly.

What do we call a group of 12 atoms?

Dozen matter.

Two atoms are in a bar

One said to the other,' I just lost an electron'

'Are you sure?' Was the reply

'Yes, I'm positive'

Is your mum's atomic number 67?

Cause she a Ho.

Two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom had a threesome...

Made me so wet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

What do you call a group of 500 atoms?

A Refund.

*This post is brought to you by "Todd Howard did Nothing Wrong" gang*

What did American physicists say to the US government after German scientists discovered how to split atoms?

Don’t worry, theres other fission, DC.

Copper and chromium must be pretty great atoms...

If they have such an exceptional ground state

Do you know they named the first nuclear cannon, Atomic Annie, after a woman instead of a man?

Because Atomic Adam sounded too Eve'il.

P.S. This is OC, so I really hope it _blows up._

Why did Oppenheimer invent the atomic bomb?

Because he wanted the world to lighten up.

39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though

The aircraft carrier captain saw a light whilst at sea

"Tell the signalman to warn that boat to turn to port to avoid a collision."

But the light flashes back "\*YOU\* turn to port to avoid a collision."

The captain, incensed, sends the message "This is a 200 kiloton aircraft carrier with 50 warplanes, atomic bombs and cruise missiles! \*Y...

Some words sounding similar can be confusing. For example, Entropy and Atrophy.

Entropy is simply a measure of how much the energy of atoms and molecules become more spread out in a process and can be defined in terms of statistical probabilities, whereas Atrophy, is what you get if you win something.

Three atoms, hydrogen, helium, and oxygen walk into a bar.

They go up to the bartender, Germanium, and start to order their drinks, but soon realise they are short on cash.

Hydrogen says to Germanium, "Hey man, we've had a long week, bonding is hard. If we can make you laugh, can we drink for free tonight?"

Germanium thinks about it for a min...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So two atoms walk out of a bar after last call

and the manager locks the door behind them. One atom turns to the other and says, "Oh shit! I left my electron in there." And the second atom says, "Oh no! Are you positive??"

What did the negative electron say when electrovalent bonding?

Up-n-atom.



P.s. Sorry, first joke here. Not sure if OC yet but hope you enjoyed it!

A neutron and a uranium atom walk into a restaurant

A neutron and a uranium atom walk into a restaurant. They sit at a table and order a full meal, having a muted conversation during the meal. The waiter comes over and the neutron asks for separate checks. He brings the split bills like requested.

“I hope you two have a good evening,” he says...

It’s a shame your friend has to be de-atomized today.

He will be mist.

I've invented a new chemical compound consisting of sixteen Sodium atoms

I've named it "Batman."

Do you ever just accidentally infuse an extra atom of oxygen into your water?

Fear not, H2O2 is H2O too

“Two things can not touch, since there will always be something in between the atoms”

Good luck explaining that in court

Two university students had a week of exams coming up but decided to party instead.

When they got to their exam they decided to tell the professor their car had broken down the night before due to a flat tyre and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them they could have another day to study.

That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Atoms are catholic.

They have mass.

What did the scientist say when he found two helium atoms?

HeHe

He was an expert on all types of atom splitting.

In fact you could say he is a fission-ado.

Hey girl, is your atomic number 11?

Because you're sodium fine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

How do atoms find a partner to bond with?

Through carbon dating

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