Why did the atom not laugh at his friend's joke?

It was no laughing matter...

Did you know that atoms never touch each other. And since we’re made of atoms, we’ve never touched anything in our entire lives.

So to answer your question officer, no I did not punch that kid.

What do atoms and black lives have in common?

They matter

A helium atom walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases in here."
The helium doesn't react.

What did the chlorine atom say to the sodium atom?

I've got my ion you.

What fish is made out of two sodium atoms?

2 Na

Never Date an Atom

They make up a bunch of stuff and then they split on you.

Atoms can't actually touch. We're all made of atoms and all mater is atoms which can neither be created or destroyed.

so to answer your question, no officer I did not punch that child

What did the Big Boy Atomic Bomb say to the Nuclear Bomb when they met?

Nuke, I am your father.

Two atoms were walking down the street when they collided.

The first one exclaims, "I've lost an electron!"

The second one asks, "Are you sure?"

The first one replies, "I'm positive!"

What did the oxygen atom in tuxedo say to the hydrogen atoms?

Bond, Covalent Bond

Why don’t scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything.

An atom loses an electron…

it says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”

Why are atoms selfish?

Because they're all that matter!


...Courtesy of my witty wife after my 11 year old asked the "Why should you never trust atoms? - because they make up everything" joke.

I thought surely the joke already existed, but I couldn't find it anywhere. Doesn't entirely work, but it got a l...

Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.

HeHe

I was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together.

OMg

Who do you call to fix an atom?

A quantum mechanic

What’s an atom’s favorite salad topping?

Croutons

What did Enrico Fermi say when he split the atom?

“Fission Accomplished!”

why did atomic number 29 go to music school

because he was a conductor

What do you call a scientist who splits atoms to create bubbly beverages?

A nuclear fizzicist.

How do hydrogen atoms find a new leader?

They hold an *electron*.

Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument?

They had a fallout.

If you laid every atom in the sun end to end, it would be roughly 3.0818632e+23 times the width of the universe, or roughly 1.1701458e+43 lightyears.

That’s almost as wide as your mother.

What’s the price for mutiny in the sub atomic realm?

Walking the Planck.

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar

Followed by Batman.

Two hydrogen atoms decide that they want to ride on the Large Hadron Collider.

They jump on a plane to Switzerland and sneak in while no one is looking. As they start to speed up one of them realises that they have both lost their electrons. It mentions it to his friend who asks "Are you sure?"

It replys "I'm positive."

Scientist: We've discovered a clump of atoms that has no sense of humor.

Me : You've got to br kidding.
Scientist : This is no laughing matter.

You'd think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to each other, but instead they steal each others electrons.

Isn’t that Ionic?

How do atoms decide which one should be put in charge?

By having general electrons.

A human losing weight is like an atom losing electrons

Everything is positive after that.

What follows 16 sodium atoms?

Batman

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Helium atom feel lonely? No one wanted to bond with it would be a logical answer.

The truth is, it is just an asshole!

What do you call a group of atoms suffering from hypothermia?

Mole-cool

A wise man once said:"never trust atoms!"

"They make up everything"




I'll see my way out

What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl??

See? Sometimes alcohol IS the answer!!

What did the chemist say to his gf when they broke up?

If you were an atom you would have 67 protons

Two guys decide that they'd go out drinking on the night before their exam.

Wasted on the night before, the two arrive at the university well after the exam ended. They went straight to the professor, saying that they couldn't take the test because one of the car's tires had gone flat. Surprisingly, the professor allows them and promptly tells them to come back tomorrow....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

Why are atoms Catholic?

Because they have mass

What are 2 Protoactinium atoms together called?

PaPa

What do you call a group of 500 atoms?

A Refund.

*This post is brought to you by "Todd Howard did Nothing Wrong" gang*

Copper and chromium must be pretty great atoms...

If they have such an exceptional ground state

Do you ever just accidentally infuse an extra atom of oxygen into your water?

Fear not, H2O2 is H2O too

Stand up Comedy on Star Trek

Yo mamma so fat… she tried to use the teleporter, but it ran out of atoms before she made it to the other side

Hey girl, is your atomic number 11?

Because you're sodium fine.

39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though

Did you hear Oasis's new song about the attraction and repulsion of atoms?

"And after all, you're my Van der Waals"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An H+ ion and a hydrogen atom were bonding

"No homo?" the hydrogen atom asks.
"No homo," the H+ ion says sadly.

What do you call a molecular ring of six iron atoms?

A ferrous wheel.

Three atoms, hydrogen, helium, and oxygen walk into a bar.

They go up to the bartender, Germanium, and start to order their drinks, but soon realise they are short on cash.

Hydrogen says to Germanium, "Hey man, we've had a long week, bonding is hard. If we can make you laugh, can we drink for free tonight?"

Germanium thinks about it for a min...

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

What did American physicists say to the US government after German scientists discovered how to split atoms?

Don’t worry, theres other fission, DC.

The worst possible pet you can have is an atom

They are always up to something when you're not looking, and when you look back they act totally innocent. If they are even still there.

Why did Oppenheimer invent the atomic bomb?

Because he wanted the world to lighten up.

Cake day joke! What do Trump and Atoms have in common?

They make up everything!

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