UPJOKE
moleculeprotonisotopeelectronneutronchemical elementhydrogennucleusquarkelectric chargeparticledeuteriumatomic numberalpha particleion

Why did the atom not laugh at his friend's joke?

It was no laughing matter...

Did you know that atoms never touch each other. And since we’re made of atoms, we’ve never touched anything in our entire lives.

So to answer your question officer, no I did not punch that kid.

What do atoms and black lives have in common?

They matter

What did the chlorine atom say to the sodium atom?

I've got my ion you.

A helium atom walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases in here."
The helium doesn't react.

Never Date an Atom

They make up a bunch of stuff and then they split on you.

What fish is made out of two sodium atoms?

2 Na

What did the Big Boy Atomic Bomb say to the Nuclear Bomb when they met?

Nuke, I am your father.

Who do you call to fix an atom?

A quantum mechanic

Atoms can't actually touch. We're all made of atoms and all mater is atoms which can neither be created or destroyed.

so to answer your question, no officer I did not punch that child

Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.

HeHe

An atom loses an electron...

It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."

Two atoms were walking down the street.

One of them said, "I lost an electron." The other one said, "Are you sure?" and the first one said, "I'm positive!"

What is smaller than an atom?

Answer: half an atom.
BOOM. This blew your mind.

I was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together.

OMg

What’s an atom’s favorite salad topping?

Croutons

So an atom and physicist were talking, and the atom says, "Oh no, I think I've lost an electron".

"Are you sure?", the physicist asks.

The atom replies, "I'm positive".

You can never trust an atom

They make up everything

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar, followed by Batman.

NaNaNaNaNaNaNaNa NaNaNaNaNaNaNaNa BATMAN!

Liars are just like atoms

They make everything up

What do you call a scientist who splits atoms to create bubbly beverages?

A nuclear fizzicist.

A human losing weight is like an atom losing electrons

Everything is positive after that.

Why are atoms selfish?

Because they're all that matter!


...Courtesy of my witty wife after my 11 year old asked the "Why should you never trust atoms? - because they make up everything" joke.

I thought surely the joke already existed, but I couldn't find it anywhere. Doesn't entirely work, but it got a l...

What’s the price for mutiny in the sub atomic realm?

Walking the Planck.

Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument?

They had a fallout.

If you laid every atom in the sun end to end, it would be roughly 3.0818632e+23 times the width of the universe, or roughly 1.1701458e+43 lightyears.

That’s almost as wide as your mother.

Two atoms go on a date...when suddenly, one of them drops an electron and gasps. The other atom asks...are you sure?

I'm positive! Replies the other atom.

A science joke

What did the hydrogen atom say to the helium atom:

release my family

How do hydrogen atoms find a new leader?

They hold an *electron*.

What do we call a group of 12 atoms?

Dozen matter.

In an alternate universe, where objects down to the molecular level are sentient...

One day, a cell meets up with another cell. They chat for a bit.

Their chat then comes to a brief halt as another cell chimes in, saying "did you hear what the atoms had to say?"

The cell then says "No, they pretty much make up everything"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Helium atom feel lonely? No one wanted to bond with it would be a logical answer.

The truth is, it is just an asshole!

Two hydrogen atoms decide that they want to ride on the Large Hadron Collider.

They jump on a plane to Switzerland and sneak in while no one is looking. As they start to speed up one of them realises that they have both lost their electrons. It mentions it to his friend who asks "Are you sure?"

It replys "I'm positive."

What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl??

See? Sometimes alcohol IS the answer!!

Scientist: We've discovered a clump of atoms that has no sense of humor.

Me : You've got to br kidding.
Scientist : This is no laughing matter.

You'd think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to each other, but instead they steal each others electrons.

Isn’t that Ionic?

How do atoms decide which one should be put in charge?

By having general electrons.

Do you ever just accidentally infuse an extra atom of oxygen into your water?

Fear not, H2O2 is H2O too

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

Two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom had a threesome...

Made me so wet.

Hey girl, is your atomic number 11?

Because you're sodium fine.

An oxygen atom was looking forward to a threesome,

Instead the poor guy got ozoned.

Do you know they named the first nuclear cannon, Atomic Annie, after a woman instead of a man?

Because Atomic Adam sounded too Eve'il.

P.S. This is OC, so I really hope it _blows up._

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An H+ ion and a hydrogen atom were bonding

"No homo?" the hydrogen atom asks.
"No homo," the H+ ion says sadly.

What do you get when you mix an atom of cobalt, an atom of vanadium, and two atoms of iron?

covfefe

The worst possible pet you can have is an atom

They are always up to something when you're not looking, and when you look back they act totally innocent. If they are even still there.

A neutron and a uranium atom walk into a restaurant

A neutron and a uranium atom walk into a restaurant. They sit at a table and order a full meal, having a muted conversation during the meal. The waiter comes over and the neutron asks for separate checks. He brings the split bills like requested.

“I hope you two have a good evening,” he says...

He was an expert on all types of atom splitting.

In fact you could say he is a fission-ado.

Why did Oppenheimer invent the atomic bomb?

Because he wanted the world to lighten up.

How did one gold atom greet the other gold atom?

'ey you.

Did you hear Oasis's new song about the attraction and repulsion of atoms?

"And after all, you're my Van der Waals"

Cake day joke! What do Trump and Atoms have in common?

They make up everything!

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