What do atoms and black lives have in common?

They matter

Why did the atom not laugh at his friend's joke?

It was no laughing matter...

Did you know that atoms never touch each other. And since we’re made of atoms, we’ve never touched anything in our entire lives.

So to answer your question officer, no I did not punch that kid.

Did you hear the joke about the two helium atoms?

He He

A helium atom walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases in here."
The helium doesn't react.

Never Date an Atom

They make up a bunch of stuff and then they split on you.

What fish is made out of two sodium atoms?

2 Na

Why can't you trust an atom?

Because they make up literally everything.

If you laid every atom in the sun end to end, it would be roughly 3.0818632e+23 times the width of the universe, or roughly 1.1701458e+43 lightyears.

That’s almost as wide as your mother.

Two atoms are talking and one says "I think I lost an electron."

The other atom says "Are you sure?" The first atom replys "Yes, I'm positive!"

What do you call a scientist who splits atoms to create bubbly beverages?

A nuclear fizzicist.

I was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together.

OMg

A hydrogen atom walks into a bar.

So a hydrogen atom walks into a bar.

He goes up to the bartender and orders a beer. He says to the bartender, ‘I think I’ve lost an electron.’

The bartender says, ‘Are you sure?’

The atom says, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

Atoms can't actually touch. We're all made of atoms and all mater is atoms which can neither be created or destroyed.

so to answer your question, no officer I did not punch that child

Who do you call to fix an atom?

A quantum mechanic

What did the molecule say to the atom after he got in trouble?

I’ve got my ion you.

What’s the price for mutiny in the sub atomic realm?

Walking the Planck.

An atom loses an electron…

it says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”

Two hydrogen atoms decide that they want to ride on the Large Hadron Collider.

They jump on a plane to Switzerland and sneak in while no one is looking. As they start to speed up one of them realises that they have both lost their electrons. It mentions it to his friend who asks "Are you sure?"

It replys "I'm positive."

Scientist: We've discovered a clump of atoms that has no sense of humor.

Me : You've got to br kidding.
Scientist : This is no laughing matter.

What’s an atom’s favorite salad topping?

Croutons

How do hydrogen atoms find a new leader?

They hold an *electron*.

Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument?

They had a fallout.

A human losing weight is like an atom losing electrons

Everything is positive after that.

What follows 16 sodium atoms?

Batman

Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar

Followed by Batman.

Two guys decide that they'd go out drinking on the night before their exam.

Wasted on the night before, the two arrive at the university well after the exam ended. They went straight to the professor, saying that they couldn't take the test because one of the car's tires had gone flat. Surprisingly, the professor allows them and promptly tells them to come back tomorrow....

How do atoms decide which one should be put in charge?

By having general electrons.

You'd think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to each other, but instead they steal each others electrons.

Isn’t that Ionic?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the Helium atom feel lonely? No one wanted to bond with it would be a logical answer.

The truth is, it is just an asshole!

Two electrons were following quantum physics principles, as usual, while exchanging virtual protons to conduct an electric current

One electron said to the other, "This quantum trading stuff sounds like imaginary nonsense; if I can carry meaningful information faster than the speed of light, then I will."

The remaining electron watched his former partner depart into the nether, sighed, then said to his collar microphone,...

What do we call a group of 12 atoms?

Dozen matter.

A wise man once said:"never trust atoms!"

"They make up everything"




I'll see my way out

What is the profession of the handsomest atoms?

They're atomic models

Cake day joke! What do Trump and Atoms have in common?

They make up everything!

What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl??

See? Sometimes alcohol IS the answer!!

What do you call a group of 500 atoms?

A Refund.

*This post is brought to you by "Todd Howard did Nothing Wrong" gang*

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

What are 2 Protoactinium atoms together called?

PaPa

The chemistry teacher babbles on, "Yada yada, chemical formulae, elements, atoms, Helium, Lithium, Beryllium..."

One of the students stands up and says, "BORON!!!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

What do you call a molecular ring of six iron atoms?

A ferrous wheel.

Theoretical duck

What did the duck say after it split the atom ?

Quark ! Quark !

Two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom had a threesome...

Made me so wet.

Copper and chromium must be pretty great atoms...

If they have such an exceptional ground state

[OC] Why are atomic clocks so funny?

Perfect timing

The worst possible pet you can have is an atom

They are always up to something when you're not looking, and when you look back they act totally innocent. If they are even still there.

39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though

Why did Oppenheimer invent the atomic bomb?

Because he wanted the world to lighten up.

What did American physicists say to the US government after German scientists discovered how to split atoms?

Don’t worry, theres other fission, DC.

Three atoms, hydrogen, helium, and oxygen walk into a bar.

They go up to the bartender, Germanium, and start to order their drinks, but soon realise they are short on cash.

Hydrogen says to Germanium, "Hey man, we've had a long week, bonding is hard. If we can make you laugh, can we drink for free tonight?"

Germanium thinks about it for a min...

Do you ever just accidentally infuse an extra atom of oxygen into your water?

Fear not, H2O2 is H2O too

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oxford University researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like partic...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So two atoms walk out of a bar after last call

and the manager locks the door behind them. One atom turns to the other and says, "Oh shit! I left my electron in there." And the second atom says, "Oh no! Are you positive??"

Hey girl, is your atomic number 11?

Because you're sodium fine.

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