UPJOKE
moleculeprotonisotopeelectronneutronchemical elementhydrogennucleusquarkelectric chargeparticledeuteriumatomic numberionplasma

Why did the atom not laugh at his friend's joke?

It was no laughing matter...

A helium atom walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases in here."
The helium doesn't react.

What do atoms and black lives have in common?

They matter

Never Date an Atom

They make up a bunch of stuff and then they split on you.

What did the chlorine atom say to the sodium atom?

I've got my ion you.

Who do you call to fix an atom?

A quantum mechanic

What did the Big Boy Atomic Bomb say to the Nuclear Bomb when they met?

Nuke, I am your father.

Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.

HeHe

An atom loses an electron...

It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."

Why can't you trust an atom?

Because they make up everything

Two atoms bump into each other.

2 atoms bump into each other. One says, "I think I lost an electron" The other asks,"Are you sure?"
To which the first replies, "I am positive"

What is smaller than an atom?

Answer: half an atom.
BOOM. This blew your mind.

I was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together.

OMg

What’s an atom’s favorite salad topping?

Croutons

A human losing weight is like an atom losing electrons

Everything is positive after that.

A merchant told another "I'll trade you a barium atom and two sodiums for that weight measuring device."

"BaNaNa for scale?"

what kind of fish is made up of 2 atoms only?

2Na

Atoms

Did you know, atoms never touch eachother. Since we're made from atoms, we've never touched anything in our entire lives.

So to answer your question, officer, no I didn't punch that kid

12 atoms of sodium walk into a bar.

Followed by Batman.

An atom walks into a bar...

The bartender says "For you, no charge"

The ion next to him says "That's discrimination!"

Scientists have discovered the sub-atomic particle that confers density.

They've called it the Moron.

A uranium atom and a plutonium atom are having a rough patch in their marriage. They try therapy and eastern alternatives but it just doesn't work out. They end up getting divorced but can't agree on a settlement, so they decide to split 50/50

The word around town is that the courtroom was really toxic and explosive

What do we call a group of 12 atoms?

Dozen matter.

What did Enrico Fermi say when he split the atom?

“Fission Accomplished!”

What do you call a scientist who splits atoms to create bubbly beverages?

A nuclear fizzicist.

Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument?

They had a fallout.

Why are atoms selfish?

Because they're all that matter!


...Courtesy of my witty wife after my 11 year old asked the "Why should you never trust atoms? - because they make up everything" joke.

I thought surely the joke already existed, but I couldn't find it anywhere. Doesn't entirely work, but it got a l...

If you laid every atom in the sun end to end, it would be roughly 3.0818632e+23 times the width of the universe, or roughly 1.1701458e+43 lightyears.

That’s almost as wide as your mother.

What’s the price for mutiny in the sub atomic realm?

Walking the Planck.

How do hydrogen atoms find a new leader?

They hold an *electron*.

Size of matter in descending order.

Molecule > Atom > Proton > Quark > x on a mobile ad

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Why did the Helium atom feel lonely? No one wanted to bond with it would be a logical answer.

The truth is, it is just an asshole!

What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl??

See? Sometimes alcohol IS the answer!!

Hey girl, is your atomic number 11?

Because you're sodium fine.

You'd think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to each other, but instead they steal each others electrons.

Isn’t that Ionic?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.

Fuck me I'm easily lead

Do you ever just accidentally infuse an extra atom of oxygen into your water?

Fear not, H2O2 is H2O too

Scientist: We've discovered a clump of atoms that has no sense of humor.

Me : You've got to br kidding.
Scientist : This is no laughing matter.

Two hydrogen atoms decide that they want to ride on the Large Hadron Collider.

They jump on a plane to Switzerland and sneak in while no one is looking. As they start to speed up one of them realises that they have both lost their electrons. It mentions it to his friend who asks "Are you sure?"

It replys "I'm positive."

Two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom had a threesome...

Made me so wet.

39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though

If atoms make up everything, then is this joke's punchline made up of atoms?

No, it's made up of btoms

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An H+ ion and a hydrogen atom were bonding

"No homo?" the hydrogen atom asks.
"No homo," the H+ ion says sadly.

An oxygen atom was looking forward to a threesome,

Instead the poor guy got ozoned.

What happens when you add a new seal atom to a seal molecyle

It beacomes a sea lion

What do you get when you mix an atom of cobalt, an atom of vanadium, and two atoms of iron?

covfefe

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

A neutron and a uranium atom walk into a restaurant

A neutron and a uranium atom walk into a restaurant. They sit at a table and order a full meal, having a muted conversation during the meal. The waiter comes over and the neutron asks for separate checks. He brings the split bills like requested.

“I hope you two have a good evening,” he says...

How did one gold atom greet the other gold atom?

'ey you.

He was an expert on all types of atom splitting.

In fact you could say he is a fission-ado.

I went to an atom party last night.

It was crazy, but in the middle of the party a couple splitted up and the party exploded!

The worst possible pet you can have is an atom

They are always up to something when you're not looking, and when you look back they act totally innocent. If they are even still there.

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An atom walks into a bar in Japan and opens up a tab

Bartender says, "Make sure you pay up before you split."

Cake day joke! What do Trump and Atoms have in common?

They make up everything!

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