moleculeprotonisotopeelectronneutronchemical elementhydrogennucleusquarkelectric chargeparticledeuteriumatomic numberalpha particleion

Why did the atom not laugh at his friend's joke?

It was no laughing matter...

A helium atom walks into a bar.

The bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases in here."
The helium doesn't react.

What do atoms and black lives have in common?

They matter
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Never Date an Atom

They make up a bunch of stuff and then they split on you.

Who do you call to fix an atom?

A quantum mechanic

An atom loses an electron...

It says, "man, I really gotta keep an ion them."

Scientists record the sound of two helium atoms laughing.


What did the Big Boy Atomic Bomb say to the Nuclear Bomb when they met?

Nuke, I am your father.

what kind of fish is made up of 2 atoms only?


What do we call a group of 12 atoms?

Dozen matter.

What is smaller than an atom?

Answer: half an atom.
BOOM. This blew your mind.

I was putting atoms together for chemistry. Until I put magnesium and oxygen together.


In a few minutes, a hypnotist convinced me that I’m a metal with atomic number 82.

Turns out I’m ….easily lead.

Why can't you trust an atom?

Because they make up everything

Two atoms were walking down the street.

One of them said, "I lost an electron." The other one said, "Are you sure?" and the first one said, "I'm positive!"

A human losing weight is like an atom losing electrons

Everything is positive after that.

12 atoms of sodium walk into a bar.

Followed by Batman.

A Sodium atom walked into a Bar.

Bartender: How may I serve you today?
Sodium: Nothing special just the basic stuff
Bartender: OH...
Sodium: Yes.

>!NaOH is a Basic Chemical!<

I don't trust atoms.

If you run them through a background check, you'll see they always carry charges.

Hey girl, is your atomic number 11?

Because you're sodium fine.

What’s an atom’s favorite salad topping?


What should you never ask an atom?

Do a split!

An atom walks into a bar...

The bartender says "For you, no charge"

The ion next to him says "That's discrimination!"

A merchant told another "I'll trade you a barium atom and two sodiums for that weight measuring device."

"BaNaNa for scale?"

What did the chlorine atom say to the sodium atom?

I've got my ion you.

Why don't scientists trust atoms?

Because they make up everything!

>!sorry for the mandatory Cake day dad Joke!<

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call sub-atomic sex?

A quantum entanglement.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know that an American president gave the order to drop two atomic bobs on Japan?

It's Truman


Did you know, atoms never touch eachother. Since we're made from atoms, we've never touched anything in our entire lives.

So to answer your question, officer, no I didn't punch that kid

What did Enrico Fermi say when he split the atom?

“Fission Accomplished!”

Did you hear about the two atomic bombs that got into an argument?

They had a fallout.

Scientists have discovered the sub-atomic particle that confers density.

They've called it the Moron.

If you laid every atom in the sun end to end, it would be roughly 3.0818632e+23 times the width of the universe, or roughly 1.1701458e+43 lightyears.

That’s almost as wide as your mother.

What do you call a scientist who splits atoms to create bubbly beverages?

A nuclear fizzicist.

You'd think that atoms bonding would mean they're being friendly to each other, but instead they steal each others electrons.

Isn’t that Ionic?

How do hydrogen atoms find a new leader?

They hold an *electron*.

A few moments after the big bang a cloud full of Hydrogen atoms fall into a blackhole and die.

A few moments after the big bang a cloud full of Hydrogen atoms fall into a blackhole and die. The arrive at the border between multiverses and meet Saint Platinum-Erbium

St PtEr says to them "Welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all through, but before I may do that, I must ask each...

What’s the price for mutiny in the sub atomic realm?

Walking the Planck.

39 digits of pi accurately calculates the circumference of the universe to the width of a hydrogen atom

Scientists still can’t determine how much is needed for your mother though

Why are atoms selfish?

Because they're all that matter!

...Courtesy of my witty wife after my 11 year old asked the "Why should you never trust atoms? - because they make up everything" joke.

I thought surely the joke already existed, but I couldn't find it anywhere. Doesn't entirely work, but it got a l...

What do you call a ring of iron atoms?

A ferrous wheel.

Why isn't energy made of atoms?

It doesn't matter

(go ahead and down vote :P)

What do you call an organic compound in which a hydroxyl is bound to a carbon atom of an alkyl??

See? Sometimes alcohol IS the answer!!

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Why did the Helium atom feel lonely? No one wanted to bond with it would be a logical answer.

The truth is, it is just an asshole!

That one about the three helium atoms is pretty funny.


Two hydrogen atoms and an oxygen atom had a threesome...

Made me so wet.

Scientist: We've discovered a clump of atoms that has no sense of humor.

Me : You've got to br kidding.
Scientist : This is no laughing matter.

Two hydrogen atoms decide that they want to ride on the Large Hadron Collider.

They jump on a plane to Switzerland and sneak in while no one is looking. As they start to speed up one of them realises that they have both lost their electrons. It mentions it to his friend who asks "Are you sure?"

It replys "I'm positive."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An H+ ion and a hydrogen atom were bonding

"No homo?" the hydrogen atom asks.
"No homo," the H+ ion says sadly.

A neutron and a uranium atom walk into a restaurant

A neutron and a uranium atom walk into a restaurant. They sit at a table and order a full meal, having a muted conversation during the meal. The waiter comes over and the neutron asks for separate checks. He brings the split bills like requested.

“I hope you two have a good evening,” he says...

What happens when you add a new seal atom to a seal molecyle

It beacomes a sea lion

A small collection of my favorite science jokes

A neutron walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “How much for a drink?”

“For you, sir, no charge!”


What's 2 times 2?

Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”

Mathematician: “After some consideration ...

What do you get when you mix an atom of cobalt, an atom of vanadium, and two atoms of iron?


An oxygen atom was looking forward to a threesome,

Instead the poor guy got ozoned.

According to Scientists atom’s are as old the universe

So therefore your honour she was legal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An atom walks into a bar in Japan and opens up a tab

Bartender says, "Make sure you pay up before you split."

The worst possible pet you can have is an atom

They are always up to something when you're not looking, and when you look back they act totally innocent. If they are even still there.

He was an expert on all types of atom splitting.

In fact you could say he is a fission-ado.

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