UPJOKE
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Why have there been no alien sightings in our galaxy yet?

They're lactose intolerant

What kind of soda do the Guardians of the Galaxy drink?

Groot Beer!

What do you call a galaxy that's allergic to milk?

Galactose intolerant.

I entered a raffle to win a galaxy, but I only won a small group of stars.

It was the constellation prize.

what do you call a security guard at a Samsung store

"A guardian of the galaxys"

my 11yo told me this one yesterday, and i thought it needed to be shared with the world 🤣

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away

A Jedi apprentice was sitting in a local cantina as a pretty young lady came strolling in. She walks up to the bar and asks if the seat next to him was taken, to which he replied "no, it's all yours if you'd like to take a seat" they get to talking a little bit and he asks her "may i buy you a drink...

What do you call the securityguards outside the Samsung store?

The Guardians of the galaxy

Today I become one of the Guardians of the Galaxy.

A job of guard at the Samsung store has always been my dream.

A former practitioner in sleeves and tramp stamps, Luke Skywalker had given up his artistry to save the galaxy

But when he was finished, he returned to Tatooine

How do space travelers stay awake on the long journeys across the galaxy?

Do some light speed.

3 Alien leaders are discussing the fate of humanity

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

After achieving universal peace, the Guardians of the Galaxy settled down and opened a floor tile business.

I Am Grout

Star Wars is about the eternal conflict between two opposing forces. One headhunts children across the galaxy, puts them into a religious cult, indoctrinates them, even forbids them from having a relationship, then sends them off to die in the nearest war.

The other is the Sith.

A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...

Party games are so different in the Star Wars galaxy...

For example on Earth you bob for apples, but on Tatooine you Bib Fortuna.

If you want to learn how to draw superheroes start with Groot from Guardians of the Galaxy

He's just a fancy stick figure

James Gunn has been brought back as the director of Guardians Of The Galaxy 3

I guess you can unfire a Gunn.

I started the biggest rock band in the galaxy.

We're called the Asteroid Belt.

The store tried to charge me $500 for a Samsung Galaxy knockoff.

I said "This is Huawei robbery!"

The director of the "Guardians of the Galaxy" series will not be making the third part

I guess Disney really knows how to fire a Gunn

Have you ever heard the music for Super Mario Galaxy?

It’s out of this world.

A Galaxy Phone, an iPhone and a windows phone fall out a top story window.

The galaxy phone bounces with minor cracks.

The iPhone smashes into dozens of pieces.

The windows phone freezes mid decent.

A long, long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

There lived a Jedi known as Luke Skywalker. Luke was a mighty warrior, and quite the ladies man. His use of his 'lightsaber' attracted the eye of the beautiful Princess Leah. Luke wooed the Princess, and they fell in love. All was great in the world, until Han Solo, the ex lover of Princess Leah, fi...

What did the galaxy order at the Mexican restaurant?

A quasardilla

Why did Samsung make the Galaxy Note 7 waterproof?

It can't catch fire underwater... I think.

The new Samsung Galaxy S8 was just announced.

I hear it's the bomb.

Told my wife her beauty is comparable to the galaxy

It takes millions of dollars' worth of equipment to truly appreciate it.

If You Have Never Seen A Galaxy Explode

Just head to the nearest Samsung store.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Went camping last weekend and woke up at three in the morning to the most amazing site of the milky way galaxy.

Where the fuck is my tent?
Sight,fuck

The Milky Way experienced a cosmic fender-bender with a dwarf galaxy 500 million years ago.

It was the ultimate slow-down of ultimate density.

Samsung is permanently stopping production of the Galaxy Note7.

At least it went out with a bang.

What's the best way to smuggle avacado toast across the galaxy?

On the millennial falcon.

Samsungs Galaxy Note 7 is really cost effective

You get alot of bang for your buck.

I know why all those Galaxy Note Sevens keep catching fire!

My mix tape comes pre-installed on them.

So I bought a Galaxy Note 7 today..

This phone is the bomb

What did Douglas Adams say after he finished writing the first chapter of The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy?

Ah, I've finally put a dent in that book.

What do you call a galaxy full of Brazilians?

The Milky Hue.

Bad luck today, I have a bout of food poisioning AND I dropped my Galaxy Note 7 in the toilet by mistake :(

Talk about explosive diarrhea.

Sentient meat

2 Aliens meeting on their starship after a scan of the solar system:

Are there any lifeforms in that solar system

Well it's difficult to really explain

What do you mean

They're made out of meat.

Meat?

Meat. They're made out of meat.

Meat?

There...

Born too late to explore the earth, born too early to explore the Galaxy...

...born too ugly to explore a woman.

The supermassive black hole in the core of the Messier 87 galaxy measures 40 billion km across, three million times the size of the Earth, and has a mass 6.5 billion times that of the Sun.

Almost as big as your mom.

Girl you make me feel like a Galaxy S7

Cause I want to explode in your pants.

I had a sip of the Milky Way galaxy.

It turns out I'm galactose intolerant.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Riffing off u/Mc237269's joke: What do Donald Trump & the Galaxy Note 7 have in common?

Push any button then watch the explosion.

I think we already know what's at the center of No Man's Sky's Galaxy

Disappointment.

When someone asks if anyone has recommended Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy to me

Reddit already.

The Galaxy is the greatest rapper alive.

It rhymes in universes. :)

My boss asked me how many Galaxy Note 7s I ended up selling to the public.

Unfortunately, I couldn't recall.

The Alien Visitors

The Alien space craft landed and was met by dignitaries from all nations.

The Ambassador from another galaxy approached the podium and began his speech. He had an odd western accent to his voice as he said. "Humans of earth ; we have been monitoring your transmissions for some time, and some ...

A long time ago, in a galaxy far away, A Stormtrooper and a Red Shirt start fighting.

They're still going at it.

Why is duct tape similar to The Force?

It has a dark side, a light side, and it binds the galaxy together

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Samsung names their next phone the Galaxy SX it may send off the wrong impression

But fuck it.

iPhone vs Samsung

iPhone user: The new iPhone is coming out

Samsung user: What's new?

iPhone user: We're getting facial recognition

Samsung user: Had that 4 year's ago next

iPhone user: We're getting wireless charging

Samsung user: Had that 2 year's ago next

iPhone user: We'r...

A man named Tenison March was filmed exiting the bureau of births, deaths and marriages.

Footage shows that seconds later, another man named “Samsung Galaxy-9 Jr” (formerly Allen Frank) was seen throwing wild punches at March.

March, an ex-Green Beret, was able to fend off the attack until police arrived on the scene to make an arrest.

Galaxy-9 has been charged with batter...

There was this astronomer.

He browsed r/jokes everyday and after a while he realised that the same jokes were posted over and over again.

He decided to start posting one joke a day, after his morning astronomy sessions.

His jokes were always well received and every so often one of his jokes would reach the fro...

Just saw on the news that Apple is suing Samsung:

They claim that the Galaxy S3 has copied concepts used on the iPhone 6.

It was announced yesterday that the 2020 Summer Olympics in Tokyo will make all of its medals from recycled cellphones.

Well, they’re going to make the Olympic torch out of a Samsung Galaxy.

What’s the easiest way to sneak a bomb onto a plane?

Buy a galaxy note 7

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two aliens landed in the New Mexico desert near a gas station that had been closed for the night.

They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger of the two aliens addressed it.

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The gas pump (of course) didn't respond.

The younger alien started to get mad at the lack of response and the older one said, "I...

Twenty thousand years into the future...

The astrobiology intern suddenly perks up at his station.
Intern: "Professor, we're receiving a periodic transmission from the direction of the Fr36 planetoids. I've converted the transmission into base 10 numerals and it keeps saying 14-5-22-5-18 7-15-14-14-1 7-9-22-5 25-15-21 21-16"
Professo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bud the Cowboy

A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in Montana when suddenly a brand-new 2019 AUDI advanced towards him out of a cloud of dust. The driver, a young man named Cliff in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked...

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